Suddenly Widowed with Children

When her husband passed away suddenly, Debbie was widowed without warning at the age of 35 with 4 young boys.  In our discussion, she  weaves through the terror of losing Aaron,  the heartbreak of explaining the tragedy to her four young boys, and the struggle to keep her faith amidst the darkest storm she'd ever faced.

Debbie's story isn't just about loss and grief, it's one of resilience, hope, and faith that will challenge your perspective on life. With raw emotions and heartfelt wisdom, Debbie takes us along her journey navigating the unfathomable tide of grief while finding strength in her faith and community. She reminds us all that even though tomorrow is not guaranteed, we can trust our unknown future to a known God. Don't miss this episode. It's a testament to the human spirit's indomitable power to overcome adversity and keep pushing forward.

https://www.debbiewilkinsbaisden.com/

#widowedwithchildren #widow #suddenloss #grief #faith #deathofspouse

Chapters

• 0:10 Overcoming Loss and Finding Hope
• 10:59 Navigating Loss, Grief, and Moving Forward
• 26:03 Finding Hope and Purpose in Pain

Transcript

Michelle : 0:10

Well, hey everybody, and welcome back to Qualified, the place where incredible people share their stories of overcoming great adversity and loss to inspire you and give you hope. I'm Michelle Heaton. In each episode of the show, we talk about loss, the type of loss we experienced, the pain of loss, the grieving process, how we cope and, ultimately, the lessons we learned and how we were changed by the loss. Well, today I really want to focus on the change part. If you're listening now, you most likely have experienced the pain of loss and you know now that life is not the same anymore. But how did it change you? Let's talk about the ways.

Michelle : 0:59

Well, my guest today certainly has a story to tell about the impact of loss in her life. In the summer of 2012, she was widowed without warning when her 35-year-old husband died suddenly, leaving her and their four young boys behind. From that day forward, she was faced with every hard thing, from having to break the news to the kids, how to plan a memorial and pick out funeral clothes, to living each new day after that as a widowed mom at 35 years old. But she's with me today because she has a very inspirational story to tell. She's a writer and speaker who's passionate about lifting up others through her down-to-earth style that both teaches and affirms a reader. Her name is Debbie Baisden and it's my great pleasure to have her as my guest on the show today. Welcome to Qualified Debbie.

Debbie: 1:56

Thank you, it's a privilege to be your guest.

Michelle : 1:59

Thank you Great to have you Well, debbie. When you and I talked before, we talked about both of our losses and the changes that took place in our lives as a result, so I definitely want to share that with our listeners today. But before we go there, can you tell us about what occurred on that day back in August of 2012, when Aaron was suddenly taken from this world?

Debbie: 2:24

Yeah, it was a wonderful vacation actually that our sons and I were on with my husband Aaron's parents. So they live near the beach, so it was a nice four-hour drive from our home and my husband had stayed behind to have peace and quiet to rejoin us later. And at first it was simply trying to text my husband and him not responding, and at first I brushed it off. I knew that he was busy, don't bother him, don't be a nagging wife. But by the time the son had said I still hadn't heard from him, he hadn't called the children like he normally would, and it was at that point I told my in-laws that I was worried. So I called my neighbor and said hey, can you just run by my house and see if my husband's playing a joke or just too busy to use his phone? Maybe his phone's broken. So he kindly went over there and said Debbie, he's not there. Do you want me to drive around and try to look for him? And I absolutely was in agreement with that.

Debbie: 3:25

And so he actually quickly found Aaron's car behind the school where he worked as a PE teacher and athletic director. So it was very common for his car to be at the school because he always had tasks to do, even in the summertime. And he said I see his car. Debbie, I don't see him. It's really dark. This is weird. I feel uncomfortable. We have to involve more people. I can't be alone in all of this. And again still reassured this is all nothingness. He's probably playing a joke. I said, ok, well, let's get some people over there. So lots of friends and family gathered behind the school to look around the car try to call him walk around and see where he could be. And it got to the point where it was closer to midnight and my neighbor called me back and said this is really serious. I think you need to call the police. Wow.

Michelle : 4:21

Well, that must have been so frightening for you. On the one hand, you think he's probably okay and that there's some other problem, and then you're starting to entertain the possibility that something very serious has happened. So you agree to call the police and file a missing persons report. What happened next?

Debbie: 4:41

So I call the police and say this is so dumb. I don't know why I'm calling you, but I haven't talked to my husband in a really long time. I'm out of town and don't know where he is and apparently I'm filing a missing person report. I felt like I was on a movie set saying these words, and so the police were dispatched, went where his car was and that's kind of the beginning of the nightmare where by 1 am I was overcome with worry and so I told my in-laws I'm going home right now, and my mother-in-law joined me.

Debbie: 5:16

We drove through the night from 1 am to 5 am and pulled on to the school grounds and that was very eerie. I there was this silence, a very creepy silence, as people had been looking for him because behind that school is about 100 acres of woods, so he could have been anywhere. And they said do you know where he would be in this big expanse? And I said no, I'm always home with four little kids. I don't know where he goes. So they had called everybody out of the woods. They had tried search dogs. That was unsuccessful. They were sending an infrared helicopter to look for him. That was on the way. They were getting a rookie team ready to have a more structured search through the woods to try to find where he was and what was going on.

Debbie: 6:06

And I was very worried. I kept trying to think the best. Surely everything's fine, it's just a probably a broken leg. He's going to jump out of the bushes at any point. And so once the sun barely started coming up at about 7am, his sister said I'm going to go find my brother and you're not going to stop me. And so she went into the woods and within seconds we heard a very loud shriek from the forest and I knew at that moment I would never forget this sound and that obviously something was very bad. So everybody ran into the woods, except for me. I stood there as if drying concrete was holding my feet to the ground, and very rapidly I had a police officer come up to me and in my mind I'm like don't walk up to me, don't let this happen. And he said those famous words we see in movies of I'm sorry to tell you your husband is deceased. And that still is weird to say today. That's still foreign.

Michelle : 7:16

Oh, debbie, I am so sorry that you had to hear those words, and you're so right. It's devastating beyond words to explain how you feel when someone tells you that your loved one is deceased. It's something you're never prepared for. So thank you for sharing the details of the story. I know it's hard. So here you are, trying to absorb the gravity of what you just heard. You're with your mother-in-law and your boys are still several hours away with your father-in-law, and you know that you face the horrific task of having to tell the boys that they've lost their dad. Can you talk about how all that went, given your own fragile emotional state?

Debbie: 8:00

After Aaron was found in the woods, I looked at my mother-in-law who screamed and then called her husband. My sweet father-in-law put those four boys in the car to come home. Without saying a word, without shedding a tear. He had to hold it together and be as stoic as possible, knowing his son was in heaven. And so I had four hours to prepare to see our little babies, who at the time were eight, seven, four and four. So I was escorted home by police, knowing that he said listen, the media may get wind of this. You may have journalists across the street. They could be anywhere. You need to be prepared for this. He's a teacher in the community.

Debbie: 8:41

This happened on school grounds, and so I had four hours to attempt to process this information, not very successfully, of course. And I remember sitting on our bed and I heard the boys come through the front door, because they're loud and rambunctious, and the sound was getting louder and louder as they were getting closer and closer to that bedroom door. And they come tumbling through the door why are we home? Why are there so many cars here? Why are there so many people in our house? And in those moments I am silently pleading don't let this be true. No, this is fake. This is a nightmare. Pinch me and wake up. Don't make me hurt my kids. As a mom, that's our number one thing. I just wanna protect my babies. Put it all on my shoulders Somehow magically, and I couldn't. I can't change what's permanent. And so they sat on the bed and I'm forcing my tongue to move to form words.

Debbie: 9:42

It really I felt very stuck and just so numb, not able to process it myself as an adult. And so I looked at them and said I really need you to be quiet. Please do not interrupt me. I have to tell you something. Please know that I love you. And again, I'm still in the back of my mind saying please don't let this be true. This can't be true. No way, don't make me do this. And magically I said I love you so much.

Debbie: 10:12

I am sorry to tell you that your daddy was working on his deer stand and it was really high up in a very tall tree, and somehow he felt there was an accident. Maybe he slipped and he fell down and he is dead, and I am really sorry. He is in heaven. If we had known this accident was gonna happen, we would have prevented it. I love you and I, just from there, I just unraveled, I was sobbing relentlessly and they were very quiet. There weren't tears, there was just this look of shock, of course, and that was a moment that I knew was a defining moment, that if you're ever in counseling as an adult, this is gonna be the first sentence that you tell your therapist is. When I was X years old, my dad died, and so it was a lot of disbelief and just lots of hugging and again me wailing and sobbing like crazy.

Michelle : 11:12

Debbie, again, I'm so sorry that you had to go through this and I understand the feeling of not ever wanting to intentionally hurt our kids, but in reality you had no choice. They had to know and for you the trauma had to cut so deep as you were having to process the fact that you'd be a widow now, at such a young age, with four young children. Well, I said in the intro that you're a writer and a speaker and you share about your experience because you truly wanna help other people who are facing difficult losses like yours. And I read through several of your blog entries where you shed light on some of your emotions following Aaron's passing. And in one of the entries you describe your last goodbye with Aaron.

Michelle : 12:01

You wrote in part I backed out of our driveway the way I had a million times before, with Aaron's face in my rear view mirror. Looking back was, ironically, all I would ever have of this man. I never imagined that the next time I would pull into that driveway, life would be so very different. I didn't know that the next view of my husband would be in a casket. Those are hard words to read, let alone write. So, debbie, if you had to summarize the way you felt that day in two or three words. What would they be and how did you manage to move forward in light of your intense grief?

Debbie: 12:45

Right. I think I was devastated, nearly destroyed, definitely paralyzed in pain and certainly stunned, and I think moving forward was my only option because the bittersweet blessing of being a mom. I don't know how I would have been if I had been childless, especially in those first months, because I did have family around for a couple of weeks living in the house. That was extremely helpful. But I think, as time went on, kids don't tend to be very patient or understanding. When they're four, four, seven and eight, they want breakfast, they need a ride to school, and so that was something that, even though it was outside of my comfort zone because I wanted to stay under the covers in bed, that wasn't an option for me.

Debbie: 13:42

I had to carry forward, and so I think I kind of learned to find times where it was workable for me to grieve properly. I would still break down in front of my kids. I thought that was important for them to see me struggle in my sadness, so that they could struggle in their sadness and feel okay too. But I think ultimately I had no other choice but to one foot at a time in front of the other. So initially, going to the mailbox was about all I could manage. That was as far as I could go, so everything compounded as far as how difficult it was to do.

Michelle : 14:23

Yeah, so having to be strong for your kids was important for you, but not holding back your tears seems very honest and real as well, so that they had permission to feel how they needed to feel. I know for so many moms that I've talked to who lose a spouse or have lost another child, that requirement to keep mothering is really a saving grace. And I love the fact that you talked about finding time to grieve properly, because you made it a priority to take care of yourself as well, and that's good. And I also remember those trips to the mailbox in those early days after losing my son, Sean. It felt like a journey of only a few steps just to do that simple task. So I get it.

Michelle : 15:10

Well, I appreciate you sharing so much of what happened, how you talked to your children and how you felt emotionally back then. I think many people can relate to those feelings, but when you and I talked initially, we both shared how our loss has radically changed us, and so I want to get into that now. Many people talk about how life is never the same after losing the loved one, but I want to hear your story of change. You told me that losing Aaron had a major impact on your relationship with God. Can you talk about that?

Debbie: 15:46

I think what I've realized is, before this loss, how superficial my prayer time was, how rushed my Bible study was. It was this convenient complacency, you know, like your second place. When his first place God is second, I would tell you God was first place. But the way that I'm living, are you really or are you just like? Well, I'm a pretty good person. If there's a crisis, I'll let you know, but otherwise I'm pretty independent, and so I don't know how that drift happened exactly, but I know that once I had this devastation with desperation.

Debbie: 16:30

That was part of me learning you actually need to rely on God for everything, even when times are painless, and so, even when my husband is being pulled out of the woods in this black body bag, I'm having this silent inside conversation with God going I'm yours, you got me. I'm putting my face on the ground. I'm sold out. Everything is yours. I am no longer going to be under the illusion that I am spinning this planet, because I am clearly not, and so, whatever you want me to do, however, you want me to live, because you're all I have. You really are the sustainer, because, in and of myself, I will implode. I will not be able to make this no chance.

Debbie: 17:20

And so it was trusting in him, knowing I didn't know how it's going to be a single mom to say please sustain me, refine me. What lessons am I supposed to learn through this loss? Because ultimately we're all going to die? So what are the lessons I'm supposed to learn while I'm still here? And so I think I had I'd finally learned that lesson of people are wonderful, but God doesn't leave or forsake. And so I told him everything is yours, I give it all, full surrender. And even told God in those moments I'm actually jealous of you because you get to see my husband and I don't. And, more importantly, my husband gets to see the face of God. I'm like, what is that even like for y'all? Right now, I'm down here in the most morning state I could be, and you all are experiencing this pain-free joy. So that was a little bit of my wrestling, but I learned that he was the only way that I was going to be able to survive.

Michelle : 18:33

Wow, I love it, and I love the terminology used devastation with desperation. Very well said. Loss like this really does bring us to a fork in the road and we have no choice but to decide how we're going to deal with this pain on our own or with God's help. And thank you for so honestly sharing the place you were before Aaron's death. That you called a convenient complacency, because I think so many of us can also relate to that, but you concluded that people will come and go, but that God will never leave us.

Michelle : 19:12

Wow, well, back to your blog for a moment, because I read something in there that I think is important to talk about, and that is that guilt can take over as we begin to move forward after a loss. You shared about struggling with the idea of laughing, having a good time with friends, enjoying a glass of wine and even thinking about dating again, and I remember that place in my grieving process. I felt like I was dishonoring my son if I let myself laugh or smile too much, as weird as that may sound to some, but I know you get it. In your blog entry, you get into this kind of detail and you talk about your own deeply personal experiences. Tell us why you think it's important to do that and what you hope to convey to your readers in doing this.

Debbie: 20:04

You know, I think I'm a pretty unfiltered person by nature. I like things of depth versus the superficial with conversation. But I think my goal has been we should marvel in the mundane monotony and you're like, no, but the days are long and they're repetitive, and every day is Groundhog Day. It's so vanilla how our existence is and I'm like, yes, embrace that, embrace doing laundry, embrace doing dishes, embrace snuggling your kids and kissing your husband. These are all amazing treasures that are so easy to take for granted.

Debbie: 20:45

So my goal is number one to point people to the goodness of God, no matter what that we are, to love Him as much as we love ourselves, and hopefully more.

Debbie: 20:58

But to put Him first and secondly, to cherish the now Because, like you said when I pulled out of that driveway, of course I'm gonna see you in a few days, because we're gonna die in our sleep when we're 99. Of course that is absolutely the plan that I had told God, right. And so I think, to remind people of God's truths not my truths, because my truths are fickle and unreliable but to say God is as good as His word says he is. And so I think, instead of being like oh, what a sad story, or that poor lady with her family. Instead, it's like this is a good moment, I hope, when I share about all of this. Take an accurate assessment of your, get a finger on the pulse of your now. What does that look like? Do you need to work on your marriage, your finances, your faith, your parenting, whatever it is, and take advantage of now, because we are all on this divine countdown and not promised tomorrow. So that's my hope.

Michelle : 22:02

Yes, that is so good. All those seemingly small life moments are really what it's all about Loving our husbands, our kids, finding gratitude and having laundry to do, food to cook, a house to clean. It's all a blessing, and I appreciate the reminder about savoring the mundane, like you say. I think it's a message we all probably need to hear and re-hear. So, Debbie, again I appreciate everything you've shared today and I just want to take a minute and summarize some of your wonderful insights. You told us how being a mother was a bittersweet blessing in those difficult first few months, because you were kept busy by caring for your children and you realized the gift that was in the midst of your pain.

Michelle : 22:50

You talked about the importance of staying strong for the sake of your kids, but also allowing them to see your true feelings so that they would understand that it was okay for them to grieve. You realized your prayer life prior to Aaron's passing was rushed and that you had become spiritually complacent. But you soon concluded that God was a sustainer of life and that you needed to wholeheartedly rely on him. You encouraged us to marvel in the mundane, embrace the everyday tasks of life and to appreciate each day we're given. You said, we are all on a divine countdown and that tomorrow is not promised, so we should take an accurate assessment of our life to determine the areas we need to change. Debbie, given everything that you've experienced losing Aaron, walking through your own grief and walking with your kids through theirs, and so much more what life lessons have you learned that you can share with someone listening right now who needs hope after a traumatic loss?

Debbie: 23:58

I think, just to acknowledge that your worst fear may become a reality, because this was one of my biggest fears. But even if it does, god will show up. He is sufficient. It's interesting that I think pain has purpose. The Bible talks about how suffering produces endurance, character and hope. Don't we all want these things? Don't we all want a life that reflects Jesus Christ?

Debbie: 24:23

I think to, like I said, kind of assess if we're all on this divine countdown. Maybe you've got 50 minutes, maybe you have 50 years. Who is first? How do you want to live? What do you want to do to leave a legacy in our lives, in other people's lives, and that we can trust this unknown future to a known God, instead of saving him as almost like a statue on a shelf that's collecting dust? We're like, yeah, I'll get back to you, but you need to be second place right now. I think that going along with appreciating today is apologize, serve, listen, encourage, hug, kiss. Make every day significant instead of waiting for things like vacations or anniversaries or birthdays. It's every day. Those little things, even the annoyances, you will absolutely crave. Those are probably some of my life lessons, but I think I'm still learning so much.

Michelle : 25:28

Now, aren't we all? Well, I love that advice, so well said and so much wisdom there, learned only by the trials of this life that were thrown your way. You told me you have a favorite Bible verse that I think would be so appropriate to close us out today. Would you mind sharing that with us now?

Debbie: 25:47

It's Proverbs 31, verse 25, and the second half of that says she can laugh at the days to come. That has you know like let's look forward to the future with joy.

Michelle : 25:58

Yeah, so beautiful we all aspire to be that Proverbs 31 woman. Well, Debbie, I just want to thank you so much for agreeing to come on the show today and for sharing all about your life, about Erin and your boys, and I'll put a link in the show notes to your website so that listeners can read more about you and what you're doing now and again. Thank you so much. It was a pleasure meeting you and talking with you.

Debbie: 26:24

Thank you for allowing me to be a guest. This is such a blessing.

Michelle : 26:30

So, for those of you listening, I hope you were as inspired by listening to Debbie as I was. She truly does walk the walk when it comes to her faith. The biggest lesson she learned upon losing Erin was that God is sufficient in the midst of your pain, and I loved it when she said that suffering produces endurance, character and hope something we all want in this life, but we want those things without the suffering. She challenged us to take stock of our lives and consider how we really want to live, since tomorrow is not guaranteed, and she said that we can trust our unknown future to a known God. Words of wisdom. So it's my prayer that you'll remember to embrace the ordinary and love deeper than you ever have before. There are so many amazing lessons that we only learn in our pain, so let's move forward wiser, stronger and with a greater purpose, and remember that someday, like Debbie, you too will be able to help someone else with the lessons you learned in your loss. Thanks for listening.