Coping with the loss of a pet

The loss of a dog, a cat, a horse, a bird, any pet can cause us to experience grief.  The animals we share our homes and lives with are part of our families and  when they are no longer there it can create a significant and painful void.

Listen in as I interview Rachel Shirley,   a compelling author and certified coach committed to guiding individuals through life's profound moments, including the impactful experience of pet loss.

https://www.rachel-shirley.com/

Chapters

• 0:10 Pet Loss Grief Coaching Insights
• 4:57 Nurturing Losses
• 11:52 Heaven, Grief, and Pets
• 22:04 Navigating Grief and Faith Through Loss
• 33:52 Coping With Pet Loss Through Kindness

Transcript

Michelle: 0:10

Well, hey everybody, and welcome back to Qualified, the place where incredible people share their stories of overcoming great adversity and loss to inspire you and give you hope. I'm Michelle Heaton. In every episode of the show, we explore grief and loss and its impact on our lives. We've talked about the loss of a loved one spouses, parents, friends, children and how grief can take a toll on our emotions, our bodies and our relationships. It's hard stuff and I'm so grateful that you would take the time to listen in as my guests share their stories with you and together we find our way to peace and hope and a desire to move forward with new purpose. Well, I'm very excited to introduce you to my guest today, because she's the first one to bring this topic to the show and I believe there are many people out there that may benefit from what she has to share.

Michelle: 1:06

Today we'll talk about the loss of a beloved pet. It may be your dog, a cat, a bird, a horse you fill in the blank but if you have loved and lost a precious pet, you understand the sadness and pain that comes with it. Precious pet, you understand the sadness and pain that comes with it. Well, my guest today is an author and certified coach committed to guiding individuals through life's profound moments, including the impactful experience of pet loss. In her book Pet Loss and Divine Healing, she provides a unique perspective and hope to those mourning their beloved companions perspective and hope to those mourning their beloved companions. She's also a wife and a mother of two incredible boxer boys, spencer and Charlie. Her name is Rachel Shirley and it's my honor to have her as my guest on the show today. Welcome to Qualified Rachel.

Rachel: 1:59

Oh, thank you so much. It's such an honor to be here and my heart is full of gratitude that you said yes.

Michelle: 2:09

Well, thank you Wonderful, I'm excited to have you. Yeah, all right, Rachel, let's start off by you telling us exactly what is a pet loss grief coach, and how did you end up in this business?

Rachel: 2:22

So a pet loss grief coach is somebody who comes alongside grieving pet parents and it can be pretty much in any stage. I have clients that come to me right when their sweet one passed. And then I have other clients that maybe it's been a year and they just kind of find me and they say, hey, wait a minute, I've been really struggling with this and I have guilt about this. So I really serve people right where they are and it's really specific to pet loss and grief and all of the how can I say it crazy emotions we go through in any type of grief and loss. So that's really what I've had lost grief coaches. I don't think there are too many of me out there. I'm actually a certified professional coach and have been since 2006.

Rachel: 3:20

And I coached in many different areas and I was working in leadership and when COVID hit I quit. After a couple months I kind of decompressed and detoxed from the leadership industry. I just found my footing again and really got centered. I asked my husband I wonder if there's such a thing as like pet loss coach or something. So we Googled it and it's actually a thing. So I found the guru of it and I asked her if she would mentor me. And she said absolutely, and she has a certification and the rest is history. So I've been doing it full time since 2020, when COVID hit.

Michelle: 4:12

And I'm just beyond blessed to be able to be of service in this capacity. Well, that's great. So it sounds like when you were in this leadership world, this kind of business world, covid woke a lot of us up to what is it that's really in our heart, and it sounds like you decided that your passion for animals was something you wanted to just take and run with. So I commend you for doing that, for following your heart.

Michelle: 4:31

And I know part of the reason for that was because you had experience with your own pet loss. That was pretty devastating to you when you lost your dog Winston. So tell us a little bit about losing him and what that was like for you emotionally.

Rachel: 4:47

Thank you for that. Yeah, it was a shock, you know, just like a lot of losses. It was a big shock. It was June of 2019. And Winston was nine years old and he had just had some blood work done six months prior. But I could notice that he was doing a bit of a decline and he was not really wanting to eat. I would kind of have to entice him more than usual. And then it got to a point where he just refused and I said something's going on. And I was working from home and I asked my husband. I said something's going on and I was working from home and I asked my husband. I said can you please take him to the vet? Something's going on. They took him in right away and I got a phone call that I never expected the vet and my husband called and said oh, am I crying?

Michelle: 5:40

Oh, I'm sorry.

Rachel: 5:41

No, it's okay. It's okay. He said that he had a brain tumor and cancer all over his body and that it would be best to put him down right away to end his suffering. And I mean, you talk about a shock, and so it was devastating. My husband brought him home and we spent a few hours with him and we made that very difficult decision to take him back to have his peaceful passing, because we didn't want him to suffer, and so we took him back that evening.

Rachel: 6:21

It was so difficult, and I think part of the loss too was Spencer, who was looking out the window like where's my brother, you know, and so I was grieving for myself and for Spencer, and I'm sure your listeners can really relate to. You know, we grieve ourselves, but we take on the ones we love their grief too, you know. And so it was very, very challenging to understand what was happening and how it happened, and all the questions in my mind did we miss something? How could this have happened? Was it food that we gave him, you know? All the things that we can think of went racing through my mind. So it was very challenging, for sure.

Michelle: 7:12

Oh, thanks for opening up and I know those emotions, they just stink.

Michelle: 7:16

You know, we had at one point we had three dogs in our family and one of them, like yours, just started behaving in a weird way and when we took him in same kind of diagnosis just instantly from one day to the next, it was a tumor also, but it was just so sudden and I did take the other dog out for a long walk to distract him and you know, when he came home his brother wasn't there. And you're right. I mean, they notice, they're animals, but they have emotions like we do and it's hard nonetheless. And you know, like I said in the intro, in the show we talk about losing people and we want to make it clear that we're talking about two different things.

Michelle: 7:55

Everybody knows that, but there is a depth of emotion associated with losing our fur babies. So I and I also, you know I want to point out that you told me that you and your husband did not have children, and so your, your dogs were your babies, yeah, and so I have a good friend who's in the same situation and she just loves her cats and lost a cat recently.

Michelle: 8:21

So my question to you is what would you say, as a coach, to someone who's like that, who's in your position, whose children are their animals and who's going through a significant loss like that?

Rachel: 8:34

Yeah, it's a great question, and there are a lot of me out there there really are and and one of the things that I really put emphasis on is that you aren't alone and that what you're feeling is nothing to be ashamed about.

Rachel: 8:58

You know, I I think that having such a deep relationship with our loved ones being animals because we don't have children, it's like my belief is that God designed us to nurture. It's in our DNA and, for whatever reason, if we didn't have children, that's okay. That's okay. We still want to nurture and take care of, and animals are an amazing way to do that. They're God's creatures and so it's giving in that way too, and it's okay to know that this was like your child and that you're going to get through it. I think that's the biggest thing to know, and even though it's so tremendously painful and loss is loss, you know, when we don't have human children and we have bird children, sometimes society can look down on us, and I don't think it's intentional. Society can look down on us and I don't think it's intentional.

Michelle: 10:07

I think it's just they're like why?

Rachel: 10:08

don't you have kids or exactly. You know and it's, and you know, I mean I give grace to everybody. But I think we kind of carry that, we kind of feel you know, when I say, don't have kids, I have my fur babies, most people are like that's great. I know there are a few that are like I wonder why, right, it really doesn't the why doesn't matter, it's the, it's the, what it's that we love deeply, just like you with with human children and boy. I I can only imagine, I can't imagine what you all have gone through with losing your human. You know, it's just and it's deep and we all can connect with loss and grief. And that's one of the beautiful reasons why I love that we're having this conversation is because you really recognize that loss is loss.

Michelle: 11:06

Yeah, it's really important to address it. I really believe that and, you know, you said something really important. It is painful. I had a child, you know, and I've also had pets my whole life. I really believe that and you said something really important. It is painful. I had a child and I've also had pets my whole life, and I couldn't imagine being without a dog around. But having lost Sean at the age of 17, one of the things that I well, the first thing I immediately struggled with in my loss was the concept of heaven, and all these questions swirl in a parent's mind when they lose a child too. You know, did I contribute in some way? All the regrets and a million things?

Michelle: 11:44

But, what I wanted to know as every parent does, even when their kid is here is where is my kid at any given time and when we lose them? It was important to me to know about heaven and I ended up getting my hands on a book called Heaven by Randy Alcorn, and he actually has a whole chapter on the concept of animals and heaven and it really made me smile because of what he had to say about it. And then, when I read your book, you cited his book, but if you could just take a minute and just tell us a little bit about what you learned from his book and what you believe about this topic.

Rachel: 12:19

Yes, yes, I'm so glad that you you're open to this conversation and you know the importance of it. You know, because I mean, everybody is entitled to believe what they believe, right, and I believe in heaven as well, and really, what I learned from Randy's book, it was confirmation. You know, it was real confirmation for me for what I felt that we have a loving God and that he created us, he created the animals, he created everything, and his character is for us to be united, and this is not our home where we are right now. Heaven will be, and having that particular chapter in there just was really, really encouraging that.

Rachel: 13:10

Hey, my intuition is right. I mean, it just brings a joy and a joyful outlook and there are so many scriptures that point to it. And I point out in my book that I'm not a pastor. I know the Bible but I don't like go around preaching all the time. But I will tell you there are several scriptures and I always point when I have clients that are interested in the topic, I point them to resources so they can come to their own conclusion.

Michelle: 13:49

I love the way your book pulls those scripture quotes out too at the beginning of the different chapters. But since we're talking about your book, in chapter six you really get into relationships, and at one point you said my clients often share with me that they're grieving more deeply after losing their pet than when their parents or another significant person in their life passed. Can you explain to us why a person might feel that way?

Rachel: 14:17

Yes, I've been fortunate and blessed to be able to work with probably about 2,000 families now, and I'll tell you, it is super common and one of the most common things that comes along with it is shame and questioning themselves and how that could be. Usually, somebody will come to me and say I've never experienced something this painful before, even when I lost my father. My father and I were close and I lost my father. My father and I were close, and one of the things that I compassionately and with empathy will share with them is you know, if we were to pull out a calculator and we were to calculate how many days, you know in how many years you were with your pet, think about it. They might have slept in your bed with you. You were with them 24-7. And with our beautiful siblings and parents and all of our humans around us.

Rachel: 15:21

Absolutely losing them is incredibly painful, and maybe one of the reasons why this is a different level of pain is because of the fact that you spent so much time together. The other thing that I point out is that you're actually withdrawing. Your body is withdrawing. When you pet your kitty, a bird, whatever your pet is, when you pet them, the oxytocin and all of the brain chemicals are going, and then all of a sudden they're gone, and that constant eye contact and those kisses and all of the cuddles and all of the touch, that's completely gone.

Rachel: 16:10

And so we don't have that with our parents, right? So I just kind of point out those things and they start to understand, oh, okay, well, I'm not crazy, I'm like no, you aren't, and it's okay to feel that way. And one last thing on this is that everybody, who, who brings that to the table when we're talking, really missed their human, you know, and and still does, and, and you know there's, there's just a beautiful part in their soul that still longs for them. And I encourage them that it's an and not an, or, right, it's not, oh, I should grieve this one or this one. No, there's an and in there you can grieve both and let's do that together.

Michelle: 17:08

Yeah, that's kind of like we talked about before. It's two different types of grief, two different types of love two different types of intimate relationship, if you will.

Michelle: 17:19

But grief is grief and loss is loss, and I'm glad you brought that up, because there might be people that are feeling guilt and shame and it's good to address that. I think your book does a great job of talking about that. The story that came to mind as you were talking is my little dog, Sam. He just followed me. You learn to just be mindful of your stepping when you walk, because you might step backwards and step on a tail or a foot, you know. So you're just constantly aware of their presence, whereas your parent might live far away and you only see them a couple of times a year. Right, right, yeah, and you know just the idea. You know, those of us that love animals so deeply know that they just bring such joy and warmth. And you know, today it feels like more hotels are allowing animals to come.

Michelle: 18:09

I know that more restaurants are allowing, you know, dog friendly, this, dog friendly, that pet friendly, if you will. And sometimes we even see people with emotional support animals. Yeah, and some of those people struggle with PTSD or other mental health issues, and it has been discovered that pets can bring a sense of comfort to someone who's experienced trauma. A sense of comfort to someone who's experienced trauma.

Rachel: 18:37

So what is it about animals that brings us so much peace? Oh, I love this. I think really it's the joy that they bring us. You know, even in trauma, and our animals are 100% in the present, unlike us, and so I like to share that. Humans are complicated, right, and our relationships with humans are complicated. With pets they are not right. It's just very we're in the moment with them, and so I believe that they really center us, they ground us and they give us that safe place to not wear a mask, to not have to be on. We can just be ourselves. And they love us unconditionally.

Rachel: 19:27

I always say this, you know, they are everything we wish humans were Unconditional love, loyalty, forgiveness. I mean, my goodness right. And as humans we strive to be that, but we fail and that's okay. But it just seems like, you know, the emotional support that we can get from our sweet animals is just tremendous, and to see the growth and the safety in those relationships is just remarkable, absolutely remarkable. They know that their dog, cat, bird, horse is not going to let them down like a human is.

Michelle: 20:10

Yeah, all of those attributes that you called out are absolutely true, and I was thinking. There's one more that I love about animals is that they're just nonjudgmental.

Rachel: 20:23

You know they don't care what you look like sound like you know, they're just right there with you.

Michelle: 20:28

And what's a shame is that, like you said, it's different from people, and then the sad part of it is that their lives are so much shorter than people.

Rachel: 20:36

Right yeah.

Rachel: 20:38

I have a theory on that one. So when I lost Winston, I wrestled with it. I was like why? Why so short and such a deep love? And I thought about people who have lost loved ones so short, you know, like you in 17 years. And then I would have clients ask me the same thing and I just came to the point, with God on it, that he has designed it where we can have multiple through our lifetimes. He has designed it where we can have multiple through our lifetimes. My belief is that our pets give us the most unconditional love and everything that our heavenly father is, and he has brought these animals into our lives for us to experience a glimpse of how he really cares for us. It's a wonderful way for us to learn the lesson that our sweet one gave us in life and to pay it forward and teach those to others how to be a good human.

Michelle: 21:44

You know, when you were talking about that, I was thinking, you know, we lost our dog, sam, last year in January. And people will say to us are you going to get another dog? And you and I talked a little bit about that, but what are your personal thoughts on getting another dog after loss?

Rachel: 22:04

Yeah, my personal thoughts are that God designed us to nurture, and I have been on the phone with, and Zooms with clients who feel like they will be betraying or replacing, and we just have a conversation, an open conversation, about it's not replacing and it's not being disrespectful to your pet. That passed if you were to open your heart to love another one, and it's a totally different relationship. And so there's this natural part in us that wants to nurture. That's how we're designed. So when I'm working with clients and I'm supporting them, I let them know that it's their choice. So really, my viewpoint is that we're here to love as many as we can while we're on earth in a responsible way, and you can love and grieve at the same time.

Rachel: 23:12

I literally got a text. I can cry right now. I wish I had my phone with me to read it. He would be okay with it. But a client. He said to me and I haven't spoken to him probably for six months, maybe, maybe a little bit less. He texts me and he said I want you to know how much you bless me, rachel, because you taught me that I can grieve and open my heart to new love. And you're right. Look who we just got and you know it was a picture of a sweet one from a shelter, and I get stories like that all the time because it really is part of my calling to just let people off the hook. If they want to have another one, they can. If they don't, that's okay. But my belief is yes, absolutely, because you know the joy that's going to be coming from it and it's a wonderful experience.

Michelle: 24:08

So, yeah, yeah, I agree with you. I used to have people say to me you know, you and your husband, your dog's the luckiest dog in the world, because I know how much we love animals, so they're like well you know this dog's got it made.

Michelle: 24:20

So you know we were kind of created to be pet people, and you're right. So another thing that you may have experience with with your, your clients, is you and I talked about you know when. When my son, Sean, passed away, he was 17. And when my dog passed away after Sean's death, my dog was also 17. We had him for a long time and I've talked to a lot of people who have lost a loved one and then they find so much comfort from their pet and then that animal dies and there's a thing that we refer to as cumulative grief when people experience multiple losses. So can you talk about that? Have you experienced that with clients?

Rachel: 25:11

Yes, a huge majority of clients actually have life circumstances where it feels like domino effects to them.

Rachel: 25:13

You know they've lost different things a job, you know, a parent, a husband, a wife, all you know all types of loss and then their sweet pet goes too, you know.

Rachel: 25:27

And so it really is just sitting in that space with them and allowing them to know that it's important to be gentle with yourself and to have self-compassion and to realize that we don't know why all these losses are happening. And the more that we focus on the why question, the more it pulls us away from really mourning and doing the hard work of grieving, and so it's just giving that safe place to say, listen, I am so sorry that all of this loss has happened and I can't imagine what you're going through and we're going to get through this together in any way that you need I'm here for you way that you need, I'm here for you. And we talk about a support system and how they can find, you know, and tap into their support systems whether they were already going to a grief group or different things like that and just really equipping and resourcing and moving in a forward direction and honoring the grief at the same time. Right, but yes, I have many, many clients that that are in that position.

Michelle: 26:49

You know, and that's very well said, Many of my guests who have been grief therapists and grief experts have said those same words. You know it's very important to not suppress those emotions Right same words, it's very important to not suppress those emotions, honor them, but then also moving forward and not getting too dragged down in the emotion of it that you're paralyzed, but all really really good stuff. I know throughout this discussion we've talked about faith and we've talked about believing that our pets are created by God and so what?

Michelle: 27:20

just if you could summarize for me what role faith plays in the services that you offer.

Rachel: 27:26

Yeah, it's a great question. And, michelle, I'll tell you something funny. So on my website I say I'm a woman of faith, and so it's there. But about 80% of my clients don't believe in God or are angry with God or whatever it may be, and that's okay, and so it's just so important for everybody to not feel judged and for them to have their own beliefs and come to their own conclusions. Come to their own conclusions and so I really believe it's just being a loving, safe place for people to land and they can have any religion or anything that they want, because grief is grief and that actually is a big thing for me.

Rachel: 28:16

Some of my clients I'll pray with, but I pray on my own. Some of my clients I'll pray with, but I pray on my own. Behind the scenes. I ask God any client that's coming to me, please bless their heart and I'll know specifics and I pray for them. But truthfully, I would say 80% of my clients we don't talk about it, but they have this beautiful place to start asking questions and then I'll just speak like I am with you. You know, it's just an opportunity, right, it's an opportunity to plant some seeds and then it's God's responsibility to take it wherever he wants right. So it's it really is. It's a joy and it's one of the reasons why I chose to do this line of work.

Michelle: 29:05

I think that you know God knew what he was doing and the fact that you are a woman of faith, you model those characteristics that are Christ-like.

Michelle: 29:13

I mean, Jesus himself was a man of sorrows and he was well acquainted with grief and you know, to some that are not Christian that sounds morbid and sad. But we know that there is beauty. We talk about it all the time on the podcast. We know that there is beauty in the adversity that we go through and it takes time to get to that place. Where we see it, we don't lose someone and we feel that way on day one.

Michelle: 29:40

But you and I know, and I think that uniquely qualifies you to be a really good pet grief loss coach. So thank you for all of that, Absolutely.

Rachel: 29:50

Thank you.

Michelle: 29:52

Yeah, yeah. So I want to ask you now to tell us what are those big life lessons that you've learned through both losing your sweet pet, your fur baby, and then through coaching all these people through their hard times. What are those lessons that you could share with somebody who might be hurting right now and going through the loss of an animal that they love?

Rachel: 30:13

When we go through grief, sometimes we can have expectations of how others. We would want them to show up and friends abandon or, you know, because they don't know how to handle grief themselves or how to talk to us. Family members can do that, so expectations can be challenging and so having self-compassion and being gentle with ourselves is really important. Another one is in the kindness to yourself. Be real honest.

Rachel: 30:52

I think honesty is where the healing happens and, like you mentioned, when we don't suppress our feelings and we can be really honest with ourselves, I believe we really can see the beauty of our character and how well we love. And to take that and move forward, like with Sam, your sweet pup that passed. With Sam, your sweet pup that passed, I mean it's so beautiful that you still have lessons and you carry them out through your day, but you don't have to say, oh well, I learned this from Sam, but you did, but you still just carry it out and I think that's a really big thing that we be the best that we can be in our lives because they taught us to love so deeply.

Michelle: 31:43

Yeah, and all those attributes of a dog that you mentioned before. Those are things that we want to model toward other people in life, so it's almost like God can use our animals to be the greatest teachers to us.

Rachel: 31:56

Yeah, right.

Michelle: 31:57

Yeah, I love it. Well, thank you. Those are really great lessons. Is there anything else that you want to offer that I failed to ask you?

Rachel: 32:07

You have such beautiful questions and your grace and all the work that you're doing is absolutely incredible. So I think we really gave some food for thought for some people and hopefully we said some comforting words that they aren't alone in this. And I just I really want to honor your son, you know, and everything that you and your husband and family have gone through and how you turned that pain into a big purpose in serving in this capacity. So thank you for that. I know that loss was very, very difficult, and then to have your sweet pup pass too. So, yeah, definitely.

Michelle: 32:55

Thank you very much, Rachel. That means a lot coming from you. And again, you just proven to me that you were born to do this. So I'm grateful for what you do and continue to do it, because I know that you're making a lot of people happy and, having read through your book and reading some of the testimonials, is a link to your website in the show notes so that listeners can go there, read about your services and also get a copy of your book.

Rachel: 33:26

So at this point.

Michelle: 33:27

I just want to tell you thank you. Thank you so much for a great interview. It was a pleasure having you on the show.

Rachel: 33:33

Oh, thank you so much. It's an honor, thank you.

Michelle: 33:52

So, for those of you listening, if you're grieving the loss of a pet, I'm so sorry. I know how much it hurts. Animals are so innocent and loving and when we lose them there can be a real void in our present. They're uncomplicated, they center us and make us feel safe. They accept us for who we are. They're loyal, nonjudgmental and love us unconditionally. Animals are created by God. They're a gift to us and perhaps they're in our lives to model to us the way we should treat others. So when you remember your sweet pet, think of the best thing about them, Think of those characteristics that you cherish so much. Then, in their memory, go out and strive to demonstrate those traits as you interact with others today. Thanks for listening.