Family Estrangement and Cutoffs

Recent studies indicate that about one in four Americans experience some form of family estrangement.  This statistic is alarming, as many individuals report feeling deeply troubled by this estrangement. A significant portion of these estrangements occur between parents and their adult children, emphasizing the need for understanding and addressing familial relationships.  In this podcast and video, expert guest Dr. Tamsen Thorpe and I explore the causes, implications and solutions for family estrangement, drawing on insights from experts in psychology and family dynamics.

What is Family Estrangement?

Family estrangement refers to a cutoff in communication or contact between family members. It ranges from complete no contact to limited interactions, such as only connecting through social media. It is not always a straightforward situation; some families might maintain superficial ties while feeling emotionally distant. Understanding these nuances is crucial for addressing the underlying issues that contribute to estrangement.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

To love, learn, to laugh, to love, to be, love, to see beauty, to understand, to bring grace, to the things that matter most. This is Psychology America with Dr. Alexandra. Welcome to my show. For every life stage, we have questions. Let's enhance our lives together as we explore the things that matter most. So you played some late night cold weather tennis yesterday, didn't you?

SPEAKER_01 0:43

Yes. And I know you're a tennis player too. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 0:47

I've done my cold weather tennis as well. My friend, she has uh does what's called the Polar Bear Club and they play outdoors all winter.

SPEAKER_01 0:56

Wow. That's a commitment.

SPEAKER_00 0:59

For New Jersey, it is. Yeah. So thank you for being with us today, Dr. Thorpe.

SPEAKER_01 1:07

Thank you so much for having me, Dr. Miller.

SPEAKER_00 1:10

I uh I'm delighted that you're here to talk about family estrangement. A difficult topic, but in your outstanding presentation to the New Jersey Psychological Association last month, you mentioned some statistics that were pretty alarming. And uh I didn't realize that several studies have found that one quarter of the American population has estrangement or meaning a cutoff. And I was wondering if you could talk to that and and globally about the prevalence.

SPEAKER_01 1:44

Yeah, that's that's correct. I mean, when I first heard it, I just couldn't believe it. So family estrangement in general. Um Carl Pilmer is at Cornell University, he's a sociologist, and he also specializes in gerontology, so um geriatrics. And he did a very large-scale national study on family estrangement, and he found that about a quarter of Americans are struggling with no contact uh with a family member. And most are very bothered by it, they're very upset by it, so they don't take it lightly. And um, you know, one of the most common forms is between a parent and a child. Um that's about 10% of Americans, even that is really high.

SPEAKER_00 2:34

And your presentation was about parents and adult children for the most part, right?

SPEAKER_01 2:39

That's correct. I just, you know, had to sort of zone in on um that. And um it's been in the news so much lately, it really piqued my interest because I come from a background as a psychologist working in the divorce space a lot with uh families um as they separate and divorce. And um that is the one the one of the most common triggers you know we see that a child will align and um become estranged from one parent during divorces.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

Can you introduce yourself uh so that folks know about your background, especially all of your studies on couples?

SPEAKER_01 3:22

Well, I've studied a lot with um in the John and Julie Gottman methodology, G O T M A N, as well as emotionally focused um couples therapy, EFT. And um I like to bring sort of um science-based evidence-based practices to my couples as well as my families, and a lot of the skill set um, you know, applies to to both groups. And and people really struggle with relationships, and they're often in my office for that. And um most of us uh, you know, are we very busy. I mean, the need is huge out there.

SPEAKER_00 4:03

Yeah, certainly, um I guess it would help if you could define estrangement, what that means, because it's not as black and white as I thought.

SPEAKER_01 4:16

Right, it's it's nuanced, isn't it? And um you know basically, you know, it's a cutoff to some degree. Um it doesn't have to be complete no contact. There could be some connection through a family text thread or um Facebook, Instagram. There's so many ways to connect now. And um geography is is an issue because people live far now. So but there are these, you know, ways to keep in touch. Um and people may or may not avail themselves. Um but certainly we look at not only whether they're having contact, but we also look at how close do they report feeling to the person, you know, or just it. Um and and sort of, you know, what are the what are the expectations of the relationship? Is it sort of you know, a holiday kind of relationship where they see each other on holidays, or you know, do they really see each other quite a bit on the weekends or vacation together? You know, and what are the expectations? Um you know, how do they show care if a member family member's sick?

SPEAKER_00 5:34

Or they have uh accomplishments as well, right? Yes, celebrations, how do they show care?

SPEAKER_01 5:40

Yes, I love that. Right. How do they celebrate things? Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 5:45

There there are some situations where you do think it's okay to allow the estrangement to happen, I guess you would say. What are those situations?

SPEAKER_01 5:57

Well, absolutely, and I think every person, every patient needs to decide what fits for them, you know, where is their line between continuing the estrangement or the cutoff and you know attempting a reconciliation. And if there's um severe untreated mental illness, substance abuse, continued um uh negative toxic behaviors, um boundaries are not respected, all of those kinds of things, then somebody really needs to make that decision that you know enough is enough. Um but if somebody is accountable uh for their behaviors and they can take in the feedback and they're willing to make some changes, I think that's a great sign that you know it's a green light for reconciliation. And I think, you know, therapist-led, facilitated, or even it could be a religious figure or a family, respected family member that could could help out with the with the uh estrangement.

SPEAKER_00 7:09

So before we go to uh solutions and advice for therapists, advice for parents, advice for the adult children, maybe can you share what are some common triggers to family estrangements?

SPEAKER_01 7:24

Well, there's so many reasons um, you know, that estrangements can happen. And um, it could be parent, you know, parenting factors, you know, the the obvious ones are abuse, neglect, poor parenting, um, and poor communication. And it could be the parenting style, they're cold and rigid, or the helicopter parenting that we hear about. And uh that book, Anxious Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt, um, in 2024, um, they talk about um that. So, for any parents, I would recommend that book for sure. Um, to and to adjust your parenting style to give the child the ability to be more independent and autonomous over time. Other reasons are financial issues, um, you know, a lot of different kinds of things there. Um, and and we see with young adults a prolonged emerging adulthood, making children rely on parents longer, um, you know, when the natural uh drive is for autonomy. So because of education, you know, they're in school forever, graduate school, or they can't afford, you know, because um the cost of living and housing is so expensive now. So it sort of forces this close relationship when that's not necessarily so natural. Um, and divorce, you know, that's by far one of the main um triggers for um no contact. And not only divorce, but repartnering um and continued co-parenting conflicts. The child or adult child may feel, you know, a loyalty bind. Who do they they go to? You know, the parents may be pressuring them, they may just feel like this, they're in the middle. Um, and you know, I think now with social media, there's so much miscommunication via texts and emails, and there's limited time and skill for clarification and repair. You know, and there's also these big societal shifts where, you know, it used to be in the old days respect your elders, family forever, and um, people don't buy into that as much anymore. There's much more greater emphasis on, you know, individuality, um, protecting your mental health, um, and greater acceptance of ending relationships. And, you know, all the um an ideological conflict, right? Political differences. And, you know, if we go back to COVID, risk tolerance, all of these things are big wedges in families.

SPEAKER_00 10:21

You um mentioned that this is not new though, historically, family estrangements.

SPEAKER_01 10:28

Yeah, that's that's correct. I mean, it was reported back in the 60s, um, cutoffs where people have written about it since. Um what we have noticed in terms of trends is parents used to be the ones disapproving of you know, a spouse or occupational choice. Now it seems to be more the children that are doing the cutoffs with parents. Um so I think we have noticed that. Oh, and I was gonna say too, we see it cross-culturally, you know, they're doing a lot of research in other countries like England, Australia, Germany, um, some of the Scandinavian countries. Um, so I'm seeing a lot of books and research out of there as well. It's much harder for fathers. Um, one in four respondents of this one study uh reported at least a period of estrangement uh from their father. And that study was in 2023 by Resek and uh the Marin. It was in the Journal of Marriage and Family. Um so um it was a wonderful study. So fathers really struggle more um once the child reaches 15 onward. Um, and fathers and daughters are really at risk. Um, and a lot of that is divorce. Um the good news is some of these estrangements are temporary and resolve within two to three years at a pretty high rate. Yeah, that is good. And you know, parental characteristics play a role in this, and you know, if the parents remain living together, uh there's a much lower hazard of estrangement.

SPEAKER_00 12:22

What are the consequences of estrangement?

SPEAKER_01 12:26

Well, um, you know, it depends for a parent um and an adult child or children, um, the stigma is very heavy. And it could be that they've heard the judgment from others, or it could be that they perceive that others are judging them, but it's a really heavy stain to carry around and not to personalize. And and people struggle with a lot of pain over all of this and the feeling of being powerless, you know, they they can't affect change. They can't, you know.

SPEAKER_00 13:00

For those that are are the ones that are estranged, you're saying.

SPEAKER_01 13:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:05

Feel powerless.

SPEAKER_01 13:07

They often do, they cannot impact the other person, you know, to repair the relationship.

SPEAKER_00 13:13

I definitely noticed that with some patients um who are struggling with that pain. And um actually it's adult sisters, cutoffs between adult sisters in two different situations. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:31

Yeah. I mean, I have lots of examples, you know, of different kinds of dyads. I have a brother and sister coming in next week, you know, and they're all grown, you know. But you know, I've definitely worked with um, you know, and sometimes we see it in families too. You know, cutoffs are sort of the way you handle conflict um or disagreements or or pain. You know, it's too painful. That's the way we handle love. We cut them off, you know. Um, and and we do see this sort of a tendency in families.

SPEAKER_00 14:08

I've definitely seen intergenerational patterns of cutting people off.

SPEAKER_01 14:13

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 14:14

Absolutely. And they learn, they learn, right? Generation after generation. Like um I think it's very difficult in some situations, in these situations, to move toward a conversation. I think it's scary and painful, um, especially when one party feels the other one's been rude, has said mean things. I think it can be very hard to move toward those conversations.

SPEAKER_01 14:43

Right. And I think each person has to do quite a bit of work first on themselves. Um, and you know, we were talking about sort of consequences because parents can come into this feeling a total loss of their parenting role. So they their kind of ability to give advice is is kind of taken away. You know, the child or adult child doesn't appreciate that anymore. So it could really leave the parent feeling rejected, um, shame, and it's very hard to feel that pain and then show vulnerability and not come to the table with anger. Um, you know, and for children, some studies show, you know, they they lose emotional support, financial support, the social benefits that a family can provide. Um, and and a lot of these, you know, kids um they have um rumination. Did they make the right decision in this cutoff? And then, you know, there's a subset of of uh kids that um agolas in 2017 and 18, she's found that it's personal growth, it's healing and happiness, you know, and it it's it just depends on what the circumstances are and what what the behaviors have been. And you know, this is very common in sort of the AA Al Anon world, right? They deal with these kinds of boundary issues all the time.

SPEAKER_00 16:10

Can you say more about that, about boundary issues?

SPEAKER_01 16:14

Well, um, yeah, set setting, you know, if it's parents giving money to a child that, you know, is using, you know, for example. I mean, that's kind of an obvious one. Or I have um it the opposite way, where the the child, you know, teenager or adult child, you know, they have to set a limit. They're not gonna go to the restaurant or the holiday party because the parent is actively drinking, you know, and they don't want that around their children or whatever it might be. But there's um, you know, there's a lot of kinds of things like this. Just wondering if there's any other consequences if we talked about it. Oh, I was gonna say, you know, historically it's it's a been a real taboo um topic, and there is so much pain associated with it, as you said, in shame, um, that it hasn't been discussed much, but it's getting discussed a lot more. As I said, um, it's in the news a lot. There's been a flurry of research um in the US and cross-culturally over the last five years, 10 years. Um, and if we look to celebrities, they're really in the news about this and talking about it more. Um because historically, our very own Dr. Sharp at Rutgers in New Jersey here, she she's found that um her research, you know, often if people talk about it, um, it's met with silence or misunderstanding or or responses that can be um unhelpful. Um so, you know, I am glad it's getting talked about um and spotlighted in the news.

SPEAKER_00 17:57

Yeah. There are some social media influencers, though, that are uh encouraging young people to do the cutoffs.

SPEAKER_01 18:05

Mm-hmm. Yes. Yeah. There's somebody called Patrick Tahan. I don't know too much about him, but the New York Times did a feature article, and he's a social worker out of um Massachusetts, and um he has a toxic parent test, and he uh will help craft, you know, the cutoff letter, and he he has a whole uh online following, a support group. Um and again, you know, I I think you have to be very careful with these decisions in balancing your own health as well as the benefits um, you know, that family does provide and being realistic that people are flawed, you know, that just like me and you, you know, they have limitations. And are your expectations about that person reasonable and what you want from them?

SPEAKER_00 18:56

And is is that I find that cutoffs can be a lot more work than having a trickle of a relationship. Yeah. What do you think about in many cases? Obviously, not when you're getting abused.

SPEAKER_01 19:09

Right. You know, there there are certain cases that are more obvious. But you know, the the word abuse, trauma, harm, it's changed over time generationally now. People use those words very lightly uh than you know, 10, 20 years ago. Um, so that if you ask for examples of well, what did the person do? They give very subtle examples, you know, that may not really qualify as harm, abuse, trauma. True.

SPEAKER_00 19:45

Yes. So there was uh you referred to work by Josh Coleman. Uh who is Josh Coleman and what did he share? Uh, what did he want to share to therapists about mistakes that they're making with folks that are estranged?

SPEAKER_01 20:02

Yeah, because I think many therapists can really collude with their patient and they don't challenge them to think of alternative hypotheses about why did this um blow up or incident happen and what role did that person play in it? That these things are often multi-determined, and focusing on blaming the the other party is not always helpful in the long run. You know, it might feel good in the beginning part, and therapists can really fuel that. Um, but get but getting back to Josh Coleman, so um he wrote a book uh why adult children cut ties and how to heal the conflict in 2021. And he's actually a psychologist like us in private practice, but he was struggling with his own relationship with his daughter post-divorce. So he surveyed a large number of parents who were estranged from children. And um so, you know, he has specific tips for therapists because he has observed the negative influence they can have on patients by overfocusing on the feeling of anger and blame, so that the perceived trauma becomes the only or the stronger narrative, and it's not well balanced. You know, as we say, living in the grays versus, you know, a black and white thinking. And um, it's important to have flexible uh thinking.

SPEAKER_00 21:37

Yeah, I've definitely seen that with high conflict divorce cases, um individual therapists that might be meeting with the child and just reinforcing sometimes false narratives that come from from the um one of the parents who feels wronged in the situation.

SPEAKER_01 21:59

Absolutely. Yeah. And and it's so important as a therapist to teach, you know, perspective taking, um, you know, can and empathy, um, you know, can you come up with an alternative reason that they might be doing this or saying this? You know, if the person is really willing to take ownership and make some changes, you know, can you give them, you know, a shot in a safe environment uh to do that, you know, and baby steps, you know, and and set your boundaries, tell them what you need and what you will and won't accept.

SPEAKER_00 22:36

Are you speaking for the parent or for the adult child?

SPEAKER_01 22:40

Well, I guess that would be for everybody.

SPEAKER_00 22:43

Yeah, it would make sense. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 22:45

Yes. And Coleman had a lot of advice uh for parents. Um, you know, his basic message was, you know, make amends and um, you know, you must show behavioral change to back it up then. And um he often has the parent write a letter of amends um to try to, you know, show the child that they understand um their perspective, um, and to really own up to they've failed their child in some way, and you know, avoid defending, reminding them how you were a good parent, um, and really show some empathy.

SPEAKER_00 23:31

As I hear that, it sounds a bit biased against the parent. What if the adult child has been the one making mistakes?

SPEAKER_01 23:40

Right. And and and you know, I try to hold their feet to the fire too. I'm thinking of a particular case, you know, the teenage boy was gaming, you know, for hours every day, and the dad was trying to pull him out of that, and they were battling about it. So, you know, I try to say to him, Do you think you had a role in this, you know, relationship going south? Um, you know, can you own that little little part of it? Yeah. So sure, it it goes both ways. Um, I do think more of the repair rests on the adult shoulders. Um, and um, you know, it's often very slow. And um, you know, it's it's when you get this parent, you know, adult child, making it a more egalitarian adult relationship is the goal. And a lot of parents struggle with making that transition. And so do the children, because often they're still, you know, taking money and they don't have enough skin in the game.

SPEAKER_00 24:48

You're right. Yeah, because they're accepting money, so they're showing dependence, but then they also want to be more egalitarian.

SPEAKER_01 24:57

Yes, yes. It's it's a tough bind, autonomy and closeness.

SPEAKER_00 25:02

Yeah. In your presentation, you talked about giving up the pair the fairy tale. What were you referring to?

SPEAKER_01 25:11

Um well, I guess it giving up the fairy tale is that you know, this other person is going to meet all your needs perfectly when you want them. And you have to be a little bit more flexible and and work to set your, you know, adjust your expectations, especially as a child becomes an adult and if they repartner.

SPEAKER_00 25:36

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 25:37

You know, because now they have a spouse that's calling the shots, you know. So I think it's all about communication.

SPEAKER_00 25:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:45

You know, in advance and not texting. I think you really need to get on the phone because with texting, there's there's too much opportunity for um misunderstandings, and people aren't taking the time to really um repair and work work on these things. So it does take time, focus, and effort.

SPEAKER_00 26:07

So you recommend a brave face-to-face meeting, but you recommend also a certain preparation, individual preparation to be able to. I right, you want to make it kind and um you're gonna talk about those difficult things, hopefully with a level and degree of kindness and respect. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 26:30

That's huge. That's huge, and empathy.

SPEAKER_00 26:33

Um what about you know, let's say the parent has tried, or the parents have tried, and the adult child just isn't responding and doesn't really seem to want a relationship.

SPEAKER_01 26:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:50

How do you help the parent deal with that?

SPEAKER_01 26:52

Yeah, that's tragic. And it and it happens quite frequently. Um, there's many support groups out there that could be helpful because maybe they don't want to talk about it, you know, with friends. Um, it can be really shame-inducing. Um, and getting all sorts of you know, healthy lifestyle, um, coping in place, you know, whether it's exercise, diet, socialization, getting outside nature, sunshine, all of those wonderful things, talking to an individual therapist, volunteering, you know, so really making sure they have a balanced life because many parents are left with with you know a role identity problem.

SPEAKER_00 27:39

So it's a lot of redefining who they are without the child. But I have to tell you, I have seen people successfully do that in painful situations where the child did a cutoff. Um I have seen joy and a and a fulfilling life after that.

SPEAKER_01 28:03

Yeah, I've seen it. I have uh one of my clients now, his mantra is I'm you know, I'm I'm beginning to accept that I just can't control this. I'm I'm looking to what I can control. And how can 100% right add to his life and other people around him life? You know, the serenity prayer addresses that so well.

SPEAKER_00 28:27

Yes. And sometimes parents have to do that, and yeah, you know, the child does not want a relationship and they can seek to love those that will love them back, and there's always an abundance of that. I I have another question. Um, one of my patients actually wanted me to ask you. Oh so, with two of her sisters who have cut each other off and then recently said, okay, we want a relationship, how do they deal with all of that resentment about the nasty things that were said?

SPEAKER_01 29:06

Right. And people often ask that question: how much rehashing is good and healthy? And how much do you sort of, you know, pivot that into what are sort of my requirements, expectations, and boundaries for moving forward? And that's a tough one. You know, I think you have to do a certain amount of addressing the past with a more forward-thinking mind. And you have to do it in a way that's not, excuse me, blaming, bashing, you know, you have to do it in a way that's really from a vulnerable place, you know, and leading with your pain about it, you know, and your fears about will it happen again? And and to get to that point, the person has to do some individual work.

SPEAKER_00 29:58

Yeah. I I agree that it is generally better to lead with sharing your your sadness or your anxiety versus your anger.

SPEAKER_01 30:09

Right. The anger leading with anger will get you nowhere.

SPEAKER_00 30:14

I do want to share with the audience, though, that I highly recommend forgiveness therapy and Robert Enright's work, um, or anything that you can find at the International Forgiveness Institute. They have got loads of resources on dealing with resentment, which is very painful, recurring, and bad for bad for your physical and mental health.

SPEAKER_01 30:36

I was just thinking that. So unhealthy to carry that around. Yeah. Um, yeah. And that and, you know, going back to sort of, you know, broadening our lens, um, you know, right now we have a a lot of disconnection in America. I mean, the recent Stress in America survey in 2025 um interviewed a representative national sample and found we have a crisis of connection. Um, and and people feel um isolated, left out, lacking in companionship to begin with. And that's not even introducing these family, you know, issues. And um, you know, results clearly show that those who feel lonely are likely to struggle with physical and mental health problems. Um so, you know, we already have that going, and then you put the family um on there. And you know, the good news is social connections, both close and casual, um, can really support psychological and fit uh physical well-being.

SPEAKER_00 31:51

And for some Yeah, casual friendships, yeah, just like people at the coffee shop can support well-being. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 32:00

Yeah, so if you have a peppering in your day or a sprinkling in your day of those people, it definitely supports us. And um, you know, and we know that high-quality relationships predict greater happiness and longevity. Um, and of course, they provide companionship, emotional support, and validation. So if we can get that from our family members, that's great.

SPEAKER_00 32:25

Yeah. All right. So any parting words of wisdom, um, for example, in the conversation, let's say they're ready for that difficult conversation, you emphasized forming the ideal or discussing what is the ideal. Can you give examples?

SPEAKER_01 32:46

Um, the ideal relationship. Well, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:49

Sort of like what is it that you want versus I don't like this?

SPEAKER_01 32:54

Yeah. Yeah. So it would be, you know, how frequently, you know, you see the person. So all the logistics, um, you know, as well as what kind of behavior um, you know, you like and and and also what are your pet peeves? You know, I find it challenging, you know, when you do this. Um, and you know, my goal is to, you know, have, you know, more harmony or whatever it might be. You know, I have two sisters, they have rules. They do not talk about religion or politics, you know, and they remind each other, oh, we're going there. We we we agreed we were not gonna do that because every time they do that, they ended up in a screaming match and hanging up the phone, and then weeks and months go by, and they both were getting, you know, physically sick over it. So, um, and this is a lot of families. I mean, during COVID, it was, you know, the risk tolerance, you know, now it's a lot of political divide. Um, right?

SPEAKER_00 34:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:02

On top of all the other stuff we navigate with our families, the political divide.

SPEAKER_00 34:08

Definitely. Yeah. Now you're in Morristown and you have a private practice. Um do you see people from other states or just local?

SPEAKER_01 34:18

Yeah, I'm SciPAC certified. Um, so I do see people from other states as long as they um are SciPACs. Um, it's a SciPac state. Thank you so much for having me. Great to have you.