EP31 Lila Turner: Rewilding Dating

Lila Turner is uproariously funny and wise as she speaks with us about her incredible work helping singles who have given up hope on finding love.

Equipped with the knowledge of the one thing that holds people back - their own state of mind - she is able to help her clients flip their perspective and see it is not the people they're dating that are keeping them from finding a lasting relationship, but rather it's how they are approaching dating.

Lila helps her clients to become more aware of their feelings and state of mind. So while historically they may have shown up to dates feeling insecure with a lot on their mind, they can now show up feeling at ease and present to the person in front of them. This tends to completely shift their results in dating from frustration to fun and often to forming lasting partnerships.

Lila has a beautiful way of sharing this understanding using simple and yet profound metaphors. She likens showing up feeling insecure to a date to applying hand cream while wearing latex gloves. We're only able to connect when the gloves come off and we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. In fact, as Angus points out, vulnerability is sexy.
 
This episode explores:

• Vulnerability creates connection
• Insecurity is unattractive, full stop
• Being present with less on your mind is confidence
• Dating apps are not the problem, state of mind is

Show Notes
Kiss the Ground: a documentary about rewilding soil to save the planet
Biggest Little Farm: a documentary about a couple that unlocks the power of biodiversity on a once-barren farm
Fifty Shades of Beige: Lila's sexy adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey

Lila Turner is the founder of Relationship Ready, a sister business of One Thought with the sole purpose of addressing the invisible hurdles that frustrated singles face. She also has the Becoming Relationship Ready podcast. Lila embraced working with singles when she noticed that some people struggled more than others to have the kind of relationship they wanted and that it was people’s state of mind around relationships and dating that was causing these frustrating patterns.  Lila also works alongside her husband, Aaron Turner, running the organization, One Thought. Together they design, develop and facilitate programs for individuals and organizations. She also co-runs the One Thought Foundations Program to develop new practitioners.

Angus & Rohini Ross are “The Rewilders.” They love working with couples and helping them to reduce conflict and discord in their relationships. They co-facilitate individualized couples' intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is the author of the ebook Marriage, and they are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can also follow Angus and Rohini Ross on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about their work visit: therewilders.org. Read Rohini's latest blog.

Episode 31 features the music of RhythmPharm with Los Angeles-based composer Greg Ellis.

See full show notes here.

Transcript

Angus Ross (7s):
Welcome to Rewilding Love. This season is with a couple on the brink of divorce.

Rohini Ross (15s):
This is episode 31 an interview with Lila Turner. I need to go back to when you got emotional, like you're talking like what happened there. We can't just pretend that didn't happen

Angus Ross (27s):
To, to feel okay. And just to know that that that's going to make my human experience be its most palatable. They get

Lila Turner (35s):
Really soft and they stopped trying to be cool or sexy or entertaining or dynamic or impressive. And then you get that really grainy feeling to them.

Angus Ross (47s):
That's all that's expected is for us to show up and be ourselves. And for me to do this podcast, all that is expected is for me to show up and be me. And that's such a relief.

Lila Turner (58s):
Does he like me? Do I like them? How do I leave? Oh my gosh, am I going to introduce them to my family? What about this? I mean, people say they're showing up just to have fun, but they're sort of thinking about how's it going to work when we get a dog?

Rohini Ross (1m 10s):
When we tap into that deeper part of ourselves and show up connected and presence, it helps business as well. It helps dating. It helps relationships in general. It, it just ripples out all over

Lila Turner (1m 22s):
When they were that way, they were natural. And that was the bit that was most beautiful about them.

Angus Ross (1m 30s):
You are listening to Rewilding Love with me, Angus Ross and me Rohini Ross. Rewilding Love is a podcast about relationships.

Rohini Ross (1m 40s):
We believe that love never disappears completely in relationships. It can always be rewilding.

Angus Ross (1m 47s):
Listen in, as we speak with our guests about how they share the understanding behind the rewilding metaphor in their work

Rohini Ross (1m 54s):
And how it has helped them in their relationships,

Angus Ross (1m 57s):
Relax and enjoy the show.

Rohini Ross (2m 10s):
We're so lucky to have interviewed Lila Turner today. She is so much fun. She's so articulate. She has wonderful metaphors and I always love speaking with her.

Angus Ross (2m 22s):
Yeah, I absolutely agree. Leader has a long canny ability to always think of a metaphor in the moment. That is always hilarious and so insightful. So she's one of the most entertaining teachers out there as far as I'm concerned, she is,

Rohini Ross (2m 39s):
And we got to speak with Lila about dating and she has a lot of experience working with frustrated singles. She's the founder of relationship ready, which is a sister business at one thought that she co runs with her husband, Aaron Turner, who we'll be speaking with shortly. And she created this business because noticed that a lot of people struggle to find a partner to enjoy the dating process. And she noticed that it wasn't about their level of attractiveness, how interesting they are. She recognized that a lot of amazing people were just really struggling in this area and not understanding what was really getting in their way.

Angus Ross (3m 25s):
And it became very clear to Lila that this was all a state of mind issue. And the fact that its state of mind was just so obvious to Leila. And that's why she's so being so successful in this arena.

Rohini Ross (3m 38s):
Yeah. And that's what relationship ready was created for is to help singles that are struggling to enjoy that process of finding a partner.

Angus Ross (3m 47s):
And evidently she's had a great deal of success there. Yes,

Rohini Ross (3m 50s):
We'll hear that as we listened to her share about dating and the way that Lila works with her singles is really the same foundation from which we work with our couples. And we hope that that becomes really clear that this understanding really applies to all areas of life curse to me

Angus Ross (4m 12s):
That some of the best things about this conversation with Lila were all about some of the things that I really struggle with or, you know, I struggled with, I think a lot of people struggle with evidence in this idea of just it's okay to show up and be ourselves. And you know, it's kind of been a lifelong struggle for me to, to feel. Okay. And just to know that that's in a nutshell is kind of what it's going to make my human experience be. It's not as palatable.

Angus Ross (4m 53s):
I feel like I feel crazy. I feel like I'm on the edge of bursting into tears. I feel like laughing. I imagine it there's an insight, not far behind, that's the sentiment that's coming up for me, but I feel what is so beautiful about what Leila is pointing to is that, and what we're all pointing to is just, it's fundamentally okay. To show up and be yourself. And why wouldn't you do that in the dating arena?

Angus Ross (5m 34s):
When for the most part, for all these other people that she's been working with, they're very well equipped to do that in their professional life, you know, on so many other levels. And yet when it comes to dating, they suddenly get caught up in their head. They have, as she calls it this tick list and we all kind of can do that, but it's not the sweet spot. It's when we get ourselves into difficulty, the real sweet spot, the cruise to the mattress to show up and be ourselves. And that's when we connect when we are lost in our mind, trying to think about how well am I doing here or how well are they doing here? Vis-a-vis said tick list. Then we're not listening.

Angus Ross (6m 14s):
We're not being present. We're not connecting. And it's all about connectability. That's what, that's what a relationship thrives on. That's where our relationships should start is Angus wave.

Rohini Ross (6m 25s):
What Kate, you just, I need to go back to when you got emotional, like you're talking what happened there, pretend that didn't happen because

Angus Ross (6m 37s):
I feel like I, I feel like I see it so clearly for myself that I spent so much of my life hiding behind this mask of having to show up and be someone else other than I am. And it, and it involves so much pressure and there's so much such a need to control myself and how I show up and how am I doing constantly asking myself that question and I'm so not present to the matter at hand. So I guess it was making me realize that even in doing this podcast, there's a part of me that wants to kind of monitor what I'm doing and or what I'm saying.

Angus Ross (7m 27s):
So that, that I don't come off as a complete buffoon because I spent a good portion of my life thinking that I'm a complete buffoon. And in doing something like this, I'm really putting myself out there in a way where I I'm feel like I'm subjecting myself to a general attitude of buffoonery around how I'm showing up towards me. And so for me, I think in what Vila is talking about is that again, it's just, it's fun. You know, that's all that's expected is for us to show off and be ourselves. And for me to do this podcast, all that is expected is for me to show up and be me and, and that's such a relief.

Angus Ross (8m 14s):
And I think probably why I feel like that sentiment was coming up. It was like, there's a certain amount of relief in when I could hear myself saying this out loud at a point where my ego is like giving me an ear bashing about how well I'm doing, how I'm sounding, et cetera, that Lila and the essence of this podcast is suggesting that yeah, that's where we all go horribly wrong. All we have to do is show up and be ourselves and that will have value on every level. And

Rohini Ross (8m 45s):
How does it feel to just let yourself be with those feelings?

Angus Ross (8m 51s):
It feels, it feels like it feels very liberating. And I think that the, the, the emotion that's coming up is just like, ah, I can let that go. I've been hanging on to that for so long. And I think it's meaningful to me because I think that I carried that weight for many years. And I think that that's the beauty of this understanding is that that's something that we get to let go. We do have that feeling of liberation and that we are fundamentally okay, it'll cool. And that saw design by default. And then I don't have to be anything else or, or try hard to be anything else than, than who I am.

Angus Ross (9m 35s):
And then doing this podcast is like, oh my goodness, how are you doing here? My ego is constantly nattering away trying to give me feedback and really, I don't have to listen to that voice. I just have to show up and be me and the ego will do the exact same thing on a date. I'm sure. So I think it was just so wonderful what Leila was pointing to and how refreshing it is to think that, yeah, look, it's just another area where our ego gets in the mix and upsets the apple cart and we don't have to listen to that noise. Cause that's all it is.

Rohini Ross (10m 10s):
Yeah. And we all have it show up in various areas of our life. Like some people have it show up around dating. Some people have it show up around money. Some people have it show up around parenting. There's no rhyme or reason to it really. I mean maybe based on our conditioning, but it's all crazy talk. It's just, we all have areas of our life where we're really saying, and we're not thinking about ourselves. We don't feel self-conscious we just show up naturally. And then we have other areas of our life where we turn into crazy people and buy into all of our insecure thinking

4 (10m 43s):
Really difficult. Yeah.

Angus Ross (10m 45s):
Yeah. And I think that for me in this podcast with Lila is just, I think I was, I have been feeling self-conscious listening to myself through the earphones, struggling to string a sentence together sometimes. And none of that really matters as long as I'm just willing to show up and be me and trust the wisdom will come through. The wisdom comes through in all kinds of ways and it doesn't necessarily have to come through in eloquence. It can just come through me being able to share a story or, or, or share an insight. And that has value as long as I'm willing to just show up and, and be authentic on that level.

Rohini Ross (11m 24s):
And what she pointed to is that it isn't really ever about the content of what's being shared is really about the feeling that we're in. And it's that feeling that comes across and just you sharing what you shared just now. Like I felt that I was impacted by that, that was you sharing something incredibly valuable that I'm sure other people will be able to relate to. I can certainly relate to it and that you have the willingness and the, to just show up as yourself and allow that to happen to me is, is a gift.

Angus Ross (11m 59s):
Yeah. I don't know. I guess if I was to listen to my ego, my ego would be like, what do you do? Didn't like jabbering maniac. But, but I so hear what you're saying because on another level, yeah. It's just good to just show up and be me Watson all for all of that to tears and laughter I have a crazy, that may sound, there's still that's who I was in that moment and that's fundamentally that's okay.

4 (12m 28s):
Yeah. Yeah. And the freedom of that. Yeah. But anyways, it's all about Lila. It's not about me. I love what she had to share and it's completely on point with what you're saying,

Angus Ross (12m 43s):
What she had to share. So awesome. I feel like you're really in, for a treat and just enjoy.

5 (12m 49s):
Yeah. Let's turn it over to Leila.

Rohini Ross (13m 1s):
Thank you so much for joining us. We're really excited to have you one because we have so much fun every time we speak with you. So we're looking forward to it just on a purely selfish level. Yes, absolutely. And also because you focus in the area of dating and that's something that Angus and I often get asked about and I think that there can be a lot of thinking about dating for people and they can get caught up in it being difficult. And there's this lots of ideas about how it can, it's not fun. And I know from the work that you do, that you really look at how to have that be a different experience for people. And so we would really love to hear you share more about what you do, how you see it, what you notice, those kinds of things.

Rohini Ross (13m 47s):
So we're looking forward to it.

Angus Ross (13m 49s):
Yeah. I think that we, I, I, for one, feel very privileged to have you on this con, this podcast, talking about this topic because it's a really important topic. And if we're going to talk about relationships, obviously we need to address this, this topic as it were. And I would say it would seem that you're the consummate expert on this topic in terms of what you're, what you've been doing and what your pointing to. And so I think it's fantastic that we have you here today to have this conversation.

Rohini Ross (14m 21s):
So one of the places I'd like to start is what do you hear from your clients about dating in terms of the challenges they come up against?

Lila Turner (14m 33s):
Well, it's funny, I'm looking back to one of my inspirations for what I saw as a challenge for my friends. Like back in college when I was in my twenties and it's it's, this is sort of theoretically even solved, but actually didn't solve the problem. So that what I had with my friends in colleges, that they were all single, they were in their late thirties, mid thirties or late twenties. And we were all doing an together in fashion and they were attractive go getters. I mean, they basically to get into the college I was in, they had to be really good. And so they were driven. It wasn't like they were floating along when they did that degree.

Lila Turner (15m 13s):
I mean, they really would have had to have gone out of their way. So they were focused, ambitious, just everybody's work was kind of exciting and different. And so they were just really diverse, interesting kind of women to hang out with. But most of them single, it must've been relationships in their twenties and it petered out, it felt right. And they'd kind of got to the point where they felt really comfortable in who they were and what they did in Korea. But they thought, well, where's the boyfriend and it seemed like it got harder, but it made no sense we're living in London like studying in the central London. Then everybody was going out to bars and clubs, you know, a number of times a week, very social.

Lila Turner (15m 53s):
And I, we just assumed it was because we're in an industry where most of the guys data guys, there weren't that many men in the industry when our course that were into women, that looked like a reason. And then we thought, well, you know, cause it does feel like a bit, you get into your kind of own salmon stream of friends. It's hard getting out of that friendship group. And so it looked like just not meeting enough people. It's so weird, how come you can't meet people, you're going to bars. And so that looked like a reason. And then you fast forward to, I remember moving to America, Aaron started working with couples, which was a sort of bookend to the inspiration behind relationship ready. But I noticed that, you know, some, most of them ended up finding relationships and thinking, oh, it's gotta be work or a relationship.

Lila Turner (16m 38s):
It felt like people always choose when they're struggling with a choice it's between one crappy choice and another crappy choice, as opposed to I call it like option a is a bit rubbish and option BS like rubbish again. But they feel like that's the option C they never really think about option C, but you can't get option C from looking at it. Cool. You have to get obstinacy. You have to wait and see to get option C. So when dating apps started to get more popular, you thought that would solve it. Like you really did think if it was a matter of meeting people, bingo, done, even then the ones that will match you up by the exact percent I can remember meeting sort of, you know, really professional women that would, you know, in the third business go out on dates and they're quite excited cause it was a 97% match and I come back and expect them to be married or you know, something.

Lila Turner (17m 33s):
And they were like, oh, you're so right. All right. Okay. And I'm sure they, you know, they'd had a nice chat with the guy serving and coffee and pray just wasn't. So all of these things, what I started to see was all the things that people want is blaming on when the thing. So, you know, I just, I, you know, I've been, I don't count actually it's 27 years. Maybe I've been with him. So I am pre you know, pre online dating era. I, you know, I'm semi child, right. I was 21 and it's, it's been interesting watching it.

Lila Turner (18m 16s):
And I think the thing that really got to me is as I particularly want to move back to London and started working with really capable, passionate women, that just really knew how to make a business work in the world, but couldn't get their relationship up and going. And I kind of, when I would work with these women and they would get really quiet, I would just see this beauty inside of them. I mean, there's one woman that I worked with a really were getting, she just absolute gold and I'm like that shouldn't be just kept view. That should be something you can share. And she tried everything she'd been decades she'd been looking and she'd been trying to apply all of her mythology, you know, and techniques really, she, she was on our second or third business.

Lila Turner (19m 2s):
She tried to apply those skills to finding somebody and like everybody else put it down to the good ones are gone or, you know, it's, it, it just, just the things that, you know, are easy to point to what, well, it must be that all the good ones are gone or it must be I'm too picky. You know, all of these reasons. And all I knew was she is so gorgeous and has so much to share and anybody to be with her would be lucky, but she'd got really quiet working with me and she didn't show up most places quiet. She showed up really in charge of boss lady. I could see the sweetness in that, but like I would just be with her and she'd help me and sought me out.

Lila Turner (19m 44s):
You know, she just, just, but she would always be helping. I mean, she never came off duty. And so she didn't know how to come off duty in dating. And I saw this pattern over and over and over again. So with my college friends, when I looked started to look back, I realized when you were kind of with a bunch of friends, everyone's a bit jacked up and having fun. And they're kind of being their stereotypical, funny, whatever their role is in your friendship group. But when you were with them and you hung out or how to sleep over there, get really soft. And they stopped trying to be cool or sexy or entertaining or dynamic or impressive. And then you get that really grainy feeling to them where they were just soft.

Lila Turner (20m 26s):
And there is a texture to people when they're natural. And I just knew that that's, that's the bit where I loved them. You know, I loved them when they ran out of being clever. And I loved them when they ran out of being entertaining or helpful. It's the bit, that bit, the soft textured part. And so I just, I just knew there was something in the way. So it gets blamed on many things. It gets blamed on not meeting enough people that can't be a case. Cause you can go on dates there. There's just not the right caliber of person out there. I'm too picky. I'm lot of people are really quite frightened of giving up independence because they'll see their friends do marriages or relationships a certain way.

Lila Turner (21m 7s):
And they think that's an option that they're choosing from. So option a is beyond my own and not rely on anyone and don't get hurt. And option B looks like give up all my identity, all my freedom, all the stuff I've achieved, because a lot of the, you know, the women I work with have achieved a lot. So they don't need anyone to look after them. They didn't need anyone to pay for them or do anything. It's just the heart part, sharing their heart, someone in that way. And so they don't need those things. And they think often think being with somebody means giving up their independence. I think compromise means doing something they're not comfortable with. So what happens is they start to build up a ton of ideas so that where option B comes in options, sucky B, you know, and they don't realize, well, what if you invented it in the moment?

Lila Turner (21m 51s):
Like what if option C is who you are when you're noticed natural version of you? So I could see with my friends and I could see with my clients when they were that way, they were natural. And that was the bit that was most compelling and beautiful about them. And then when they talked about going out on a date, it was like they're climbing concrete stairs with every single step. Okay. I got online. It looks all right. That one step after another step up into their head. Oh, and I got to the restaurant and then they didn't open the door. I got to the restaurant in a funny way. I mean, it's really normal. This is not this isn't people who are mean, these are people who going and then nervous of ending up being vulnerable, something going wrong.

Lila Turner (22m 33s):
So their head is climbing up a concrete step at a time. So by the time they sat down at the bar or the table, they are so unnaturally themselves, like insecurity is not sexy, full stop. Right. You just isn't that you can make the hottest person ever. I mean, I wonder what Brad Pitt would look like if he was wildly insecure. Yeah. I know why he's so sexy when he, he really seems to eat in every movie he's in and like, how sexy is it when someone's in their own skin? Even if they're eating, I don't particularly like listening to people too, but I'll watch Brad could eat.

Lila Turner (23m 14s):
So yeah. Yeah. I could, I could, it was, it was seeing that, you know, people were showing up with, and they will swear blind to me. And I know I was just there to have fun. And I'm like, well, why is your fault? No, no, no. It was all cool. I didn't really care. You know, when kids are little and they're trying to be with her, I don't mind. It's fine. I'm like, I don't know that. I believe you. So a lot of my time is spent convincing them. I'm not sure your most natural version of you getting it. Yeah. No, I'm really good. You sound intense. You're normally. Oh no, no, it's great. It's just, and then they'll give you the reasons it's coming from anywhere other than their own mind.

Lila Turner (23m 54s):
And the crazy thing about that is bit between the soft, rich texture part of them. And then the chunk thinking in between is not difficult. It's not hard. It's not years of unraveling, you know, childhood or therapy or previous experiences. So I had a lady recently who had had a seven year gap. She's in her mid thirties, really bright, cute as button and got online and started met a guy within the first week. She had a seven year sabbatical and she liked him so much. He felt sick. Like there was so much of a connection. She was nauseous and just couldn't sleep or eating late until she reached out to me and said, could we work together?

Lila Turner (24m 37s):
And we just worked together on her thought ghosties. I mean, she was getting like haunted, like all of her past was going, what if, oh my God. And then, and so she was like, it's like her instincts had really, really her fatigue followed her wisdom really be to be like, wait. So when she wrote her dating profile, she said, oh, I wrote, have you ever heard anyone says, I wrote the most gorgeous dating profile. I was so proud of that. No one says that no one says that no one says that ever. I was people say that never. And she was just, and then she put it on and then she connected. And then, and then as soon as there was a connection, she freaked out. But up until that point, she was really natural. There was nothing on it.

Lila Turner (25m 17s):
And then suddenly it's like someone standing at a door saying that they, you know, they want to get married or something. And so we worked together every week for eight weeks and just really dissolved. We didn't have to pack them away. We didn't have to analyze them. But to see what she was doing was utterly paralyzing. Her and Andy swift is moving in together now. Great. And you know, she's, and it's really lovely. A lot of our conversations were around. You can have a voice, you know, the principles don't mean that you then become like an inflatable Dolly of goodness. Like you can have a, you can be yourself. Like if something you don't like you can say or something doesn't feel good, you can say, but you're gonna, your perception is going to be shifted depending on the feeling you're in.

Lila Turner (26m 3s):
So you can have a voice and say anything, but the feeling you're in will definitely dictate the receptivity and how much space there is in the conversation. So it's gorgeous. Cause she has a really use an American word, spunky personality and he's fiercely bright and capable. And, and there was a lot of potential for clashing and they have this beautiful middle ground where they listen to each other and they give themselves space to be utterly human. They don't take it personally. So neither of them are perfect. So I do why I described that as planning your perfect imperfect. That's great.

Rohini Ross (26m 52s):
Yeah. In terms of the work that you did with that woman, I loved for you to share a little bit more when you said that you looked at, I can't remember exactly how you said it, but working with the ghosties are looking at that. Like what, what do you mean? Like she was being haunted by her worries, her anxiety from previous situations.

Lila Turner (27m 10s):
Yeah, she was, she was, she was getting really sort of ghosted by her ex previous experience of relationships. Oh my God. What if they're like that? What if it's going to be like this again? What if I'm going to have to be this kind of person? What if, you know, just sort of the, what ifs it's sort of like, it was projecting itself onto the person in front of her that wasn't that person, which is really unhelpful because then you don't, it's pretty it's you don't get to go to listen to your wisdom in the moment, if you're distracted by a memory. So the smart smartest version of you is, is a version that's in present. So we just talked about being comfortable with that's what that was, but it was nothing to do with him.

Lila Turner (27m 51s):
You know, she was blaming those ghosties on him. She didn't even really get to know him. It was like, it was just all getting projected, like a projector on a white wall. And she just really, really settled down. It just, she allowed it to melt. Does that make sense? I mean, people have lots of ghosties. They have no, what was so sweet about working? I mean, from my experience working with singles, there's all the things that I think people externally a bit judgy about them. Like, oh, you have a tick list. You want too much. <inaudible> you're being picky. Everything, everything a single is doing to protect themselves is to protect themselves from a thought that they've had in the past. Now say if something doesn't work out, that gets looked that gets locked away, a shame so wrong with me.

Lila Turner (28m 38s):
Like I'm no good at relationships. I'm not good at that. Or, you know, so they don't want to have those feelings associated with it, not working out in the past. And what's so fantastic is I worked with another lady recently and it's just, she's so soft and sweet. She was, she had a, she had what I would call the most magnificent tick list ever. She had like just, oh, she wanted to be like trench cherished. And I just gorgeous. I mean, I'm only saying this because she's, she shared this and it's just, it's just so lovely. But she, she stopped taking it personally. If it didn't work out, she just trusted her yet. Didn't work out. And if they don't like me, when I'm being really human that's okay.

Lila Turner (29m 21s):
Like really, really like really not like, you know, when people say, oh no, I'm fine. I don't care. You know? Like it's a kind of like a, yeah, I'm just never going to, I'm not, I'm fine with it, but I will never speak to you again. And I will now block you genuinely really generous because she's not reliant on dates to make her feel good. So I think a lot of people are showing up, you know, it's like people trying to get Instagram followers. If it goes well, it means I'm worthwhile as opposed to, if it's not right for one person, I genuinely believe. And I think this is true within marriages and everything. If it's not right for one person it's not right for the other. Yeah. Deep down, it can't be right for one person.

Lila Turner (30m 5s):
You could be really in love or into it. But when you get quieted down, I just believe there's a sort of a truth that there's something else for you. So I just loved how she talked about that. It wasn't that it wasn't any more like a notch on the failure, you know, not another one failure. It was like, oh, okay. Just really organic really in the moment really. And she said that actually showing up like that, she just got a totally different caliber of attraction online, different guys kind of attracted to her, reaching out the way she described it. She sent you a nicer quality guy or something, but she just really softened. So she was, she was able to be as herself, I think felt different.

Lila Turner (30m 49s):
So people would get, were able to get a more natural feel for who she was rather than her drivenness and people could misinterpret that. Did that answer your question? Yeah. Yeah.

Angus Ross (31m 1s):
I, sorry. Excuse me. I keep thinking of a, that Justin Timberlake song, I'm bringing sexy back. It wasn't that the song. Do you remember that? But no, I wouldn't. I wouldn't dare try singing it. It would be helpful. No, I can't say far too much thinking that is the lyric I'm bringing sexy back and then there's the whole, you know, there's a whole accompany musical accompaniment with that. But my point being is it's like the best version of ourselves and it seems this is right across the board, not just in relationship, but the best version of ourselves as we show up. And we're natural like that, that softness that you're pointing to, we show up and we have a trust in our essential nature where I have a trust in that wisdom to prevail real time and, and, and allow us to be the best version of ourselves.

Angus Ross (31m 49s):
And it's so easy to get caught up in what we think we should be or what we expect and our old chest, our checklist, our old rule book. And, and that's when things tend to go awry. And it was kind of, I guess, that's how I heard what you were saying in a way that it is really sexy to show up and be ourselves when people show up and, and, and really trust in their core essential nature to, to sort of, to, to sort of give them with a wherewithal, to, to, to know what to say in those moments rather than sort of rely on what things we think should things should be or how they should be or how we should be able to articulate ourselves.

Angus Ross (32m 32s):
It's like that just becomes awkward and contrived and, and, and, and kind of takes us out of the present moment. And I think the sexy is in the present moment is that's when we feel like we can relax and really be with this other person. And I think that it's so interesting to me, how that's so universal, whether it's doing this work, pointing a client towards their essential nature and just trust in that, or it's like being on a dating site or going on a date and being with another, now the human being and just show up and be honest and authentic.

Angus Ross (33m 12s):
And I can see how that is really sexy because there's no mask there's, there's just like, let's just cut to the chase of who we really are. So I love how you articulating, always love how you articulate yourself. And even for me, it's kind of like, there's a part of me is like, oh my goodness, these are so articulate. Like I, ain't got a really like, how am I going to talk to her and, and, and, and show up and say something smart. But that's me getting caught up in that very same way that you might get caught up on a date, just like I start to, you know, worry how I'm presenting myself rather than just show up and trust that the words will come out of my mind, come out of my mouth real time.

Angus Ross (33m 53s):
And that will be the wisdom flowing through me. And that's what everybody wants to see.

Lila Turner (33m 58s):
Hmm. It really isn't. It doesn't matter if you're nervous. Like if you got a direction to go, which is relaxing and trusting. So I think a lot of people don't know that when they're present and at ease, they think at ease means doormat or vulnerable. And actually I'm, I told you, I'm doing some writing at the moment and I've got a chapter in my book called soft has muscles, because it's powerful. The mind is quiet has so much intelligence in it. If you want to be smart, relax, if you want to see clearly slow down.

Lila Turner (34m 39s):
And it's just gorgeous because you don't need to figure it out. The reason why dates are so uncomfortable for people is the amount of analysis and worried, insecure thinking. And that really the trying to figure it out. This does he like me? Do I like them? How do I leave? Oh my gosh, am I going to introduce them to my family? What about this? I mean, people say they're showing up just to have fun, but they're sort of thinking about how's it going to work when we get a dog? Do you know what I mean? And it, there's a really funny if anyone gets a survey, you should put a link in, as it's old, do you remember dropped dead donkey and English. It was all female comedy show. And they do these dating. They do really funny little dating clips.

Lila Turner (35m 20s):
And one of them shows up on the video because it used to be, you do the video and you decide if you want to go on a date. And she eats is obviously a skit. And she shows up in a full wedding dress. Is that nothing serious? I'm feel easy going whatever you want. And then another one shows up with three kids behind her. Hi, say hi to hi daddy. I mean, it was very funny. It was like early nineties, but, you know, we show up with thought and if we don't fess up to it, then we're going to blame it on our date. You know, we're going to blame it on that. So I'm fine. I had one woman at a conference say, you know, I'm torn because you know, I'm working on my career. And I kind of feel like if I have to put all that effort in it's that, or the Korean, I'm like, well, there's a God.

Lila Turner (35m 60s):
She knew what she said. She had, I'd rather stay home and watch star Trek, reruns. And I'm like, I like you. I want to. But I said to her, I said, look, there's the clue. If you would rather do something relaxing and go on dating, it shows how much thought you were applying. And that's unhelpful to the beautiful thing about wisdom is it will never make sense on paper. So why try and figure it out with mathematical and physical equations and previous histories and what your friends told you, and what did it say in that book? You know, all of those kinds of things.

Angus Ross (36m 46s):
Interesting, in the sense, and it reminds me of what you were saying earlier about the client, who is this very effective business woman and the probably for every other aspect of her life, everything else does make sense on paper. Like she's very good at the paperwork. Very good at the analysis and is in business that's really successful, but to really show up and have a date or relationship worked really well, that's all got to be thrown out the window because it doesn't make sense. It's something that's formless. It's just showing up and trusting, trusting in the ether. I'm sure as far as she would see it, but trusting in that wisdom real time,

Lila Turner (37m 26s):
What she ended up doing was meeting someone that kind of tried to chat her up and she's like, oh no, no, no, no, no. You're not on my tick list. And then, and then, and then something, you know, we'd been working together and she's like, all right, hang on a second. Don't rush. You know what she says? There's something about him. He's sweet and charming and cheeky too, though. I'll be friends with you. So they took it really slow and they were friends for awhile and then it blossomed and it was just lovely. And she's so soft in that relationship. And she trusts herself. So she doesn't do anything that doesn't feel right. Nothing, but she doesn't manage him and she doesn't manage herself within it. And it's extraordinary in there. They're there.

Lila Turner (38m 6s):
Well, are they render? COVID now locked down. But they were in there. They're engaged to be married and just seeing her so natural. And actually she softened with him in a way that was really unconditional. And then I actually, with a colleague, she has a really fantastic business helping businesses grow. And I got feedback after she'd worked with us, that her, she had capability because she's on it and really passionate. But when she got the mind part, they said she was off the charts, incredible off the charts. So her skill and passion and drive took her to one level.

Lila Turner (38m 46s):
So you got it. I'm not going to, I'm making this up number like seven or something. You know, she pushed through a 10. They just said, oh my gosh, she, you know, she was so present. She was so there, we really felt heard. And we got so much done in so little time. I mean, it's fantastic. And that happens quite a lot. Well work with someone to work on their relationship and they report that they've, their clients have tripled and I'm like, so very well what's happening with the boyfriend? Keep your eye on the prize. I have one lady do the, do the program. And I speak to her on the phone. This is really lovely woman. She's in her early forties. Really, really good at what she does.

Lila Turner (39m 27s):
I mean, again, totally would, you know, you could tell she never drops the ball on anything and then, you know, was dating less professionally if you like anyway. And so, but what she discovered is she discovered a connection with herself that she said it took a 41 years to discover that she'd leave her. I feel so connected to my son. I mean, she was literally glowing. I mean, she's glowing. And she's glowing from the feeling that comes from inside you when you're not managing your thoughts. And she's, I mean, it's like standing next to a radiator, but like sexier, I guess, a sexy ranger. Right. And she's just, it's lovely. Cause when I get on these calls, afters, my cheeks really hurt.

Lila Turner (40m 7s):
Cause I'm like, okay, I'll do another program. That was awesome. You know, it's been something I do alongside one thought and I'm always like, oh, you know, will it keep, you know, and every time I hear a story like that and she says, I am so connected. And so into dating myself, I don't want to date anyone. I'm like, well, that's awesome. But what kind of a strange testimonial? Okay. And I'm like, well, because you don't know, like I started it all on a hunch. I knew there was something in the way a new people had a beautiful, beautiful feeling inside of them that kind of got covered over with a lot of analysis and thought, I knew that they wanted to share that part of themselves, but didn't know how like they kept running.

Lila Turner (40m 51s):
He's like, have you ever run into a glass door? Admit it. Yeah, come on. I

Rohini Ross (40m 58s):
Can't remember it. I'm sure. Why can't I go outside?

Lila Turner (41m 4s):
Yeah, I've done anyways. Wishing your face. And I was like, that's okay. So I there's been lots of things that have come out. I'm like, oh, that's really cool. They're really happy. I wonder where that's going to go. And then I speak to her. I don't know, like six weeks later and she'd fallen in love with somebody, but it's, it's it doesn't, it doesn't have a, a set shape, which is so amazing. It just allows people, the freedom to more naturally recoups themselves. It's like, you know, have you, have you probably seen kiss the ground movie? I haven't, I haven't. Right. You have to watch it. If you're, you know, wilding in the soil and you know, oh yes, I've heard of it. I think, oh my God, I had to watch it twice.

Lila Turner (41m 47s):
And it's a little bit like, you know, the principals were like, Hey, we have an answer. What do we do about all the suffering? We have an answer. Yeah. I know. That's great. All are lovely. But what do we do about all this? All the confusion or the lack of communication and politics. What do we do about it? We don't know we're going to go, go and look at some prehistoric ideas we wrote down earlier. And that movie talks about how we have a solution to not just stop creating heat because apparently our environment is going to keep baking us. Even if we stopped using plastic and all of that junk right now, you, what you need is an active cooling. They have found a way to use agriculture to not only stop the heat, but drag the heat out of the atmosphere.

Lila Turner (42m 33s):
And I'm like the answer's there. And I've totally forgotten what I was going to reference that movie. But it's still a good plug. No, it's good. It's fine. We

Rohini Ross (42m 44s):
Just watched the biggest little farm. Maybe it should be, excuse me. But I think what you were saying is how, when people wake up to who they are naturally, it, it ripples out and that's, that's the answer in terms of lots of different areas of life. It's not just about dating it ripples out everywhere. It could be Angus. You're saying that in, you know, the intellect is helpful in business. But what you're saying is Lila is like, when we tap into that deeper part of ourselves and show up connected in presence, it helps business as well. It helps dating. It helps relationships in general. It, it just ripples out all over.

Rohini Ross (43m 26s):
And one of the things that I hear you say is that people think they're being natural when they're not, they'll say I'm okay, but they're not really okay. Like I'm being myself, but they're not really being themselves. So tell us more about how that looks when you're supporting someone that thinks they're being natural, but they're really still caught up in a lot of their thinking.

Lila Turner (43m 48s):
I remember having, I mean, it's really different because a lot of these conversations are having one-to-one. So I do stuff where it's in a retreat format, which is divine and heavily, and it was just really gorgeous. And then a lot of the work happens with the one-to-one. So it's always a bit of a different conversation and I just listen and I'll hear something and I'll ask them about it. And they'll, I'll say, Hey, what's that? And it will start down. And they're like, nothing to be seen here. I'm good. I'm like, no, I could feel something was that. So I was talking to this lady once he was just, you know, a couple of pictures hind in and now I'm good. I'm, you know, that's slightly, you can feel it when someone points to it. But if you're in that story, that story is going to look room temperature.

Lila Turner (44m 31s):
Isn't it? Oh no, no. I'm good. When I like, how many of us go into a corner shop or the supermarket? Not ourselves. You wouldn't notice it cause I'm in a store or I'm in this store. I mean, this is, but you go into a gear that's invisible to you because you're used to the feeling and you associate that feeling with a shop or a family member or whatever it is or your kitchen or your, I mean, I have a different feeling if I walk into my bedroom as opposed to my kitchen, not because they're different rooms because I think differently. So I'm talking to this one lady and I started to listen to her and I'm like, look, it feels like to me, when people want to go and get connected and they say, they're turning up as themselves.

Lila Turner (45m 15s):
And they really sweat out. And if they're not getting connected, it's because there's thought and it doesn't mean you have to get connected and then it's automatically, you want to date them. But connection is a connection to yourself. It's your own presence. And then when you can have someone who's not even listening to you and feel connected to them, they don't have, it's not like they have to be a certain way, but connection is your own presence of mind. And then from that, you know, comes whether that whether a further connection happens and the way I described it to her, as I said, look, it's like you want connection is like wanting to moisturize your hands, your hands dry. I'm just, you never get your hands where you don't use gasping and hunting around the house. Where did I put my hand cream? So starting off with it, you know, the first day and you go off and you go and get a big tub of, I dunno, cheap 45.

Lila Turner (46m 0s):
I don't think I have anymore. But like just, I don't know, some kind of random, the average brand creaming and you've put the cream on and it does nothing. Then you think, oh, now the thing is, is showing up with thought on your mind on a day it's like wearing latex gloves and putting on hand cream. And you're like, wow, this cream is rubbish.

Rohini Ross (46m 21s):
I need

Lila Turner (46m 21s):
To go for a higher caliber kind of guy. Maybe he's not earning enough. So you go off and you buy like a bottle of cream. That's like got an extra zero on it. So, you know, it's a $50, you know, hand cream thing and you put it on you. And you're like, ah, it smells so good. It should be so good. Cause I've went from this really good store and you're rubbing on and your hands are just like, I'm not feeling anything. I can't feel anything. And we, because you're not looking at the thoughts you have, you'll go and get the $350, hi cream and like a tiny port and like scrape it. Like you don't think, you just think it's a matter of getting it quality enough. And it's like, connection is when the gloves are off.

Lila Turner (47m 5s):
So I will use examples like that. That came from working with a client. I mean, that just came up because I was talking to her and it resonated. So I'll just talk. I mean, that's a bit quirky, but I'll talk about something. I think they can hear where they can see the feeling they're in. So I get a lot of, a lot of women and men who show up in a kind of like capability mode. So, but super dynamic <inaudible> really, and I'm like, are you ever not on duty? Like, what do you mean? I'm like, well, what does off duty look like for you? And sometimes people don't know what I mean, because they're that way with their friends. They're that way with themselves, they come home and they might put the radio on and put it, you know, and a lot of us do that.

Lila Turner (47m 48s):
We'll make noise because we are always in a gear. So then my job is to go, well, what happens if you didn't do that? You know? I mean, it's a very creative conversation, but at some point they go oh, of that because people are looking up in their head to the stories and what they see in front of them. They're not looking to their own feeling. And I'm feeling your feeling. Doesn't tell you what kind of person you are. It just tells you the kind of thought you're in and it's really helpful. And your feeling will never lie. So the amount of times I've gone into my daughter's bedroom and be like, yeah, you really need to pick this. I think my voice is like this.

Lila Turner (48m 28s):
Hi darling, do you need to fix something up? And can I make your snack? And she's like, could you get out of my face now? So yes, sometimes you send this dip and at one point she's like, could you stop blaming your bad feeling on me? And I'm like, damn, I wish I'd never taught this because I, and then I looked at my ceiling and it's like, realizing I had soup all down my mouth and down my shirt. And I'd been in a meeting because I didn't realize, I looked at my feeling and it was horrible because I walked into her room and I'm like, oh God, it's messy in here. And oh my God, she's going to live under a bridge. Isn't she, if she doesn't pick up apple core and you know, like I had so much logic about it when I walked into her bedroom, I mean, just a reaction now, I thought I was trying to be helpful.

Lila Turner (49m 10s):
And you know, my feeling hadn't lied, but I didn't bother looking at it. You know, that's less fun. But if you, when she pointed to my feeling, I'm like, oh God, I'm coming in here getting reactive, being intense and spreading all over her, like Marmite and then saying, it's her fault. She's all smudgy and sticky and salty,

Angus Ross (49m 36s):
American old, and spent got a clue bought Mar my team other than it's sticky. And it's salty. I think that's all you need to know. Yeah.

Rohini Ross (49m 44s):
Yeah. You're like, leave the say you either love or you hate it. So the other thing that I heard you say earlier is that it's understanding about feeling that's important. It's not forcing yourself to be in a certain feeling. So recognizing that you're, you're caught up in thought that maybe you're feeling insecure, that it's not about not feeling insecure as it's about understanding that that, that is what's going on and then allowing yourself to relax into what is, did I hear that correctly when you said that earlier? Yeah.

Lila Turner (50m 19s):
I mean, I think, I mean, there's lots of words that gets thrown around, like self-love and I have a different view on self-love. Well, maybe not different, but I have a, an to it that doesn't make sense to me, to the things I've heard before, but I think of this as self care. So if you look at your feeling, your you idiot, you know, that's not self-care is it really the beautiful thing about seeing your feeling is that wisdom kicks in and helps you relax? Because you're looking at the feeling, not your content of your thinking or blaming on your date. So it's like if I was sitting here and doing a talk and I was nervous and like obviously no one could see me, but like, if you realize you're nervous, your hands relaxed. If you newly are your shoulders tight, you can't help, but relax them because you're looking at your consciousness goes to your shoulders.

Lila Turner (51m 5s):
Or if you realize like, as soon as consciousness goes into that area of tension, there is an inbuilt mechanism that allows you to relax because by design, you're not supposed to work that way. That's not the most genius version of you. So, you know, say like a billion times, but the most natural version of you is the upgrade. That's where the intelligence is. So when you're natural and, and that's, what's incredible is that we think we're supposed to do something about what we see when you just look at the feeling you can't help, but start to let go. It's almost involuntary. And especially if you don't connect your feeling to the person in front of you, like you could say, well, they're shouting at me, but someone shouting at you might be understandable, but it's not going to be the most intelligent version of you.

Lila Turner (52m 1s):
So least being curious and opening the door to, okay, what would happen if I let go and got present? What would make sense to me? That was one of the most powerful things I do is not strategize. Probably like, okay, don't have this thought, have a really better one as opposed to, okay, let me see. What's the other end of the fence. So I sometimes think of I'm stuck in a reality, I'm stuck behind a picket white fence, and I've gotta be honest. I don't know. What's the other side of the fence, meaning I don't know what wisdom is going to give me when to let go, because otherwise I'm just going from one crappy option, a story to crappy option, the story that I make up and I have to be willing to not know for a couple of seconds. Hmm.

Angus Ross (52m 53s):
There's something really beautiful about surrendering to that feeling. And I'm sure, like, I think about, I'm sure that when I went on dates, that, that for me, if I had a moment of insecurity or I had a feeling that would come up, that would be a part of me. Oh no, no, you haven't got time to engage in that feeling. You haven't got time to address that, that, that, that feeling in, in, in, in, and I would want to avoid it at all costs and, and certainly try if I needed to manage or control it. So I think that it's okay to give yourself the, the, the scope to feel insecure if that's, what's coming up for you in the moment I imagine.

Angus Ross (53m 39s):
And there's something about what you're saying about being aware of that or having an awareness around that that allows you to see is like, yeah, just by identifying it or seeing it, the whole, it starts to settle. It starts to quiet down. That's just the natural order of things. It just seems, that's just how it is. And yeah, I'm sure. Certainly when I went through the whole dating experience, he was constantly trying to sort of like put that to one side. You can't afford to look weak or vulnerable, and yet it's this the weak and vulnerable in a way. It's not that it's weak. It's the vulnerable that looks sexy. Cause it, cause, cause I'm be showing up and being natural and being authentic.

Angus Ross (54m 21s):
But through this work and this understanding, I can see for myself that when those feelings come up, I'm so much better when I just allow it like a wave to sort of run its course and move through me rather than be kind of inclined to do anything with it or understand it or engage with it or process it or, or worse still try and put it away somewhere and store it for a rainy day. Look at it later. And, and it still that's that's for me, what insecurity really shapes up and starts to look like is when I try to manage that feeling and I'm so much more effective when I'm just, you know, oh, there's that feeling?

Angus Ross (55m 4s):
I don't really have to do anything. It's just a weather pattern. That's moving through me. I will settle. Cause I'm designed to settle and better still is like that, that wisdom is, is just, you know, waiting on. It's always on tap, waiting for me to just trust that it will prevail and, and, and help me and move me to having probably a more optimal human experience.

Lila Turner (55m 29s):
It makes me think of them. I don't know about you guys. When I first learned to drive, I was kind of crashing the car into everything for quite a while. One of them was while I was arguing with a boyfriend singing a goddess song really loudly because he was so rude. I'm not promoting that behavior, but I, there was a lot of time. I just kept, I was quite nervous driver, but also intense and heady. And I just kept banging into stuff, nothing serious, but there came a point where I realized there was a symptom and that was my feeling. I said, when I was 17. Hello. And I didn't put anywhere else in my life. Did I? But it taught me having a crash is a massive hassle. So when I would see myself speak, I, when I started to see there was a connection between banging into other cars and the feeling I was in right before I started to get more aware of my feeling.

Lila Turner (56m 17s):
Cause it's a hassle to crash. So when I didn't have any serious accidents, I mean, they're like little dings. This is so long ago, but it really gave me an appreciation to this day. If I'm driving and I see my feeling, I'm like not worth it. And I back off from my story, if you like gotta be somewhere quickly or I'm in a rush and it's the same with dating. If you show up and the symptoms are there back off from assessing your date. Cause it's not worth it back off from trying to assess whether you like them back off and trying to figure out what they're thinking back off from everything, for it. Like any that's shocking thing. It's not like it takes a couple of weeks. It takes seconds to back off.

Lila Turner (56m 57s):
If you're honest, you know, and it's the same with, and Kayla and bill wants to just, you know, have you ever like, is so fluffy, so fluffy, but like choppy pale. And I had my really nice kitchen, like my fingers stuck in trying to hold it on the board and I'm chopped up chopped up, but I'm pissed off about something. No, <inaudible> I thought I was in a movie where they never seem to cut themselves, even though you don't have to be able to match chopping vegetables and movies and I'm chopping, chopping, chopping. So I assumed, and then ended up goes the end of my finger, not badly, but enough to have been like part of a meal,

Rohini Ross (57m 31s):
You know, extra iron

Lila Turner (57m 34s):
And it's stupid. But it, yeah, like ever since then, it's like stick with me. I had to throw the kale away and hold my finger together for a long time. And it was like, wow, it's not worth doing kale in that feeling. So when I'm chopping and I just start to feel like that flattery, I don't know, whatever that tension, rushed, stress feeling. I'm like, it just, something kicks in that slows me way down, not worth it, not worth it. And I've never had to stop chopping vegetables, but what's beautiful is our slow down. And then I know where the knife and my fingers meet. Whereas when I'm in my head, I don't know whether I, I don't have spatial awareness.

Lila Turner (58m 15s):
Right. So it's the same with every time I put my foot in my mouth, why am I so clumsy? I keep saying, I'm paying. Like I said earlier, I should've seen it coming. And, and I was like, oh, the symptoms there, I'm a little bit nervous when I say something stupid. Yeah. And so the symptoms are there all the time. And like, I can keep putting my foot in my mouth and then having to ring, you know, to kind of try and, you know, reverse wire it back into my mouth. Doesn't really work. But the feeling tells me, it's a feeling tells me every time, you know, you really you've got that feeling. So my about to say stupid thing, put my foot in my mouth has a feeling about to chop my finger off has a feeling that the crash, the car has a feeling and about to try and resolve the conversation with Aaron.

Lila Turner (58m 59s):
That's not going to go well as a feeling well, my daughter or anything, and it's nuts because it's like kiss the ground. The answer is way simpler. It's not hard. And anybody can get this. Just take a little time and consider what if all the information is right there. If you're neutral and get a loving connection to what's happening without any judgment, because we're built, we're built and designed to work really smoothly. Look at any six year old, pretty much, you know, I have two kids who were very different. One would we get going? One was really quiet, but they both had experiences. And then let go and showed up and really, really present.

Lila Turner (59m 40s):
And they could learn things. And they connected with people. I mean, you're designed to work beautifully. You just picked up that they were supposed to analyze when things felt important, which is why people get stuck on dating. Oh no, this is serious. I've got long before. I've got a, you know, time. My body clocks go in, or this is serious because what if they take advantage of me? I'm like, none of that is helpful because the softer, quieter you are the most, the more intelligent <inaudible>

Rohini Ross (1h 0m 34s):
I hear you saying is that this is how you can show up in life, right? Whether it's chopping your vegetables, whether it's driving your car, that paying attention to the feeling that we're in, isn't just important for dating. It's helpful for every area of life. It's, it's informative to know what feeling we're in, in terms of whether we should keep chopping or not, or keep driving or not, or stop analyzing or not. And I think that's what makes it even easier is because it's not just saying, oh, in this area you have to pay attention to your feeling is saying, oh, in life you can get better at noticing the feeling you're in and your life will be better as a result of that.

Lila Turner (1h 1m 17s):
Yeah. Always. I mean, that's why, I mean, I know the natural version of you is the upgrade because the upgrade is your mind in the moment. We'll give you a really rich experience of pretty much anything. I mean, I've been in a dentist chair where they were pulling out block your ears. If you're squirmish, they cut my gum open and we're pulling out a wisdom tooth. So they had to break into pieces. Cause I was like nursing a baby at the time, they gave me a really short lasting pain medication as they're pulling out the second or third piece, it wears off. And I knew I can't afford to think a single thing, like a single thing. I mean, I'm okay. I wasn't like technically dead, no thought, but I went to a sublime mind.

Lila Turner (1h 2m 1s):
I went to utterly quiet. And I remember thinking in quite a sort of strange way. Wow. I feel molten, fire and tearing. I mean, I was really neutral about it, but there was no pain because I had no judgment or attachment to anything. And then I thought, well, should I just let them cause it's a hassle to get a shot, which is bizarre because I had a bit of phobia around pain and dentists. And then I had the Institute thought comment is so clever, insecure. So, and this'll happen on dates as well. What if, what if thoughts? What if it hasn't fully worn off right now? I don't want to be a hero. I remember Donna's quote, when she got my hair, I'm having a C-section I remember I'm not a hero, but raise my hand.

Lila Turner (1h 2m 44s):
I'm fine. I'm fine. This is enough of an expense, but like how could that been a rich experience? It's been a nightmare of mine for years because I used to thinking of dentistry, dentist, what about people who are not dead before we had anesthetic and pain numbing, but it's amazing. But you know, there'll be times when you don't see it. So I've realized in the last couple of months that I, I have been my relationship clients. I am that person in property. We've been trying to buy a house for five years. I am, I am my clients. I CA I've come up with every single stumbling block. And I didn't see the symptoms because I said it's property. It's really expensive in London.

Lila Turner (1h 3m 24s):
We'll look at houses, a gone can't stand real estate agents. The whole process is so creepy. I don't like dealing with many, every single, every single checklist I'm talking for the last six months for you. I didn't spot it. And it was only when I was sitting with a client and she's talking to me and I'm listening, listening, and then I just went, oh, that's me. So it's so funny. Exactly the same as online dating, I just looked online. I looked really quickly, the pictures were rubbish. So a lot of people in will go, oh, the pictures rubbish. Now 99% of the people that I work with the end up falling in love with someone in line, say their pictures was rubbish.

Lila Turner (1h 4m 5s):
They might even say what they wrote was a bit. It wasn't amazing. It was just something there, there was something about them that, Ooh. So I talk about like being a metal detector and you can't see it on the surface, but you feel something GoToMeeting, you know? And so I just couldn't believe that I was looking online at these crappy pictures. I mean how the script is the same. Yeah. I love rubbish. And like, they look too small. I can't even tell if that a kitchen frightened by the idea that if I bought a house, it would have to be forever and I'd probably have to sell a kidney. And I just made up so many terrifying stories and I just, I didn't step into a building for years.

Lila Turner (1h 4m 46s):
And then I'm listening to the client and I'm like, well, you know, and I've just realized I had the thought come out, the blue, Lila, maybe you should step into a building. I mean, that was the wisdom thought I had, which sounds like they had to kind of sit me down and give it to me. My wisdom had to sit me down, you know, like an intervention real basically, here's the deal. Maybe you should go in to a building, like step into building. It was so clear. How was that funny? How you remember your wisdom thought? Cause it's all like it's talking to you, you're like, you're a little bit slow.

Rohini Ross (1h 5m 18s):
I'm going too fast. Right?

Lila Turner (1h 5m 22s):
And so I was like, oh my God. So I looked at three properties the following week and had a dating experience. I walked in. It was so exciting to walk into a real physical building and have a, I would call a conversation with the building. I felt connection certain parts and I didn't get a tick list. I stopped and my tick list got burned. I thought I only want a kitchen. The shape when I walked in was like, well, isn't that cute? The way they put their kitchen. Oh, I thought this thing really mattered to me. And it just totally opened up to what I could resonate with. So if anything, I burned my property ticklers to a degree and started to just feel connected with the buildings.

Lila Turner (1h 6m 2s):
And some of them were like, oh, that was so interesting. No thank you. But instead of feeling like, oh, another house I didn't buy slash another relationship. I never had, you know, nothing got notched. It was like, wow. And then I fell in, I walked into this house. I don't know if this is, I don't know how long I've been looking for a couple of months. And I walk in and I, every room I go to my mouth is hurting. I'm smiling so hard. And it was sort of beyond my wildest dreams. It was everything I wanted. And I didn't, and I'd seen it online the year before I got about eight months before. Sorry. And it looked rubbish. I'm like, take it, give me a break. This is like, I am my lady. Like I am heard and it's therapy in the face, but you know, this is property.

Lila Turner (1h 6m 45s):
So I didn't look at my feeling. I didn't look at, I am, I am, I need to date the property. I needed to date the property world. And actually we didn't end up buying that because the access to the garden was really strange. And Aaron wasn't into it. I really want to buy someone that we both feel good about. And someone calls me up a couple of days ago. Again, I don't know if this is going to go anywhere, which is also what my singles, they say, well, I don't know what I'm just taking it one step at a time. The agent calls me up and says, well, it's a two <inaudible> and then it's something in his voice. And I was like, all right, I'll come and have a little look, but an offering that day waiting to find out. So you'll see. Yeah. But it, I was really, the thing was, I was really frightened that I thought if we bought somewhere, I'd never ever get to change my mind ever again.

Lila Turner (1h 7m 30s):
It's I was tearing up with a wedding dress basically. Right. And I was just like, no, no commitment here. And nice people buy and sell houses. I've bought houses and sold. I can remember we bought a house in for two years because we had kids outgrew it. Like, it's not like, I don't know. So buying houses before for me was like dating in my twenties, early twenties, late teens. Really wasn't I wasn't looking for our husbands. It wasn't a problem. I wasn't worrying that it was going to be forever. It was just for the joy of it. And then it got serious. And now, because London's expensive, I'm like, I'm going to have to like marry the house. I'm like, no, you're not. And actually I have a client who was in property, who basically I worked with her for relationship ready and I to swap out with her.

Lila Turner (1h 8m 16s):
So I told her about relationships and she's been teaching me about relationships, about housing. I love it. Why have you go this way on house? It doesn't matter if you like it. It's not a big deal. Things work out. You don't pick a bit. You just trust yourself. It's okay. I mean, it's pouring out of her, right? The things I taught her about relationships. Yeah.

Rohini Ross (1h 8m 38s):
It's, it's such a great example. I think that, that, and that switch the switcheroo like, oh, no. Thinking about relationship, property and London expensive. All of a sudden the thinking floods in the what ifs, all of that. And, and we all have these areas where we don't have any thinking. It's just natural. And then we have these other areas in dating seems to be a common one for many people where the thinking just floods in. And I think especially that age difference, like you said, and early twenties, people aren't necessarily having any problem with dating because they're not looking for Mr or Mrs. Right. At that point in time, they're just having fun. But as soon as it starts to look like it's high stakes and they have to find the person that they're going to be with for the rest of their life, then all of that conditioning and worries and concerns jumps in and gets in the way of the thing.

Rohini Ross (1h 9m 26s):
The very thing that they really want. Hmm.

Lila Turner (1h 9m 30s):
Yeah. I had one client once that this guy and I worked with him in the first, like second or third one-to-one call with him. I thought he got really big insight in something. I said, I'm like, I nailed that done. Cause there was a moment where people kind of pop, you know, like they go like, oh, which means pop just means they pop out of their story to the point where they're sat back going, oh my gosh, that's made up. And you know, that's. And so I thought that was his moment. Right. I was like, oh awesome. And so he ended up finishing the program and I'm chatting with him and I'm asking to talk to him. And I said, well, what was the moment? I thought this was a moment I was really pleased with. He goes, well, you know, it was a bit where you told me insecurity, isn't sexy.

Lila Turner (1h 10m 12s):
I'm like, I barely remember that conversation, you know? And it was just like, and then he, you know, he had a very, he's got a very loving relationship with someone that was totally not, you know, everything he normally picked me. He's happier than he's been. But you know, we, nobody is sexy when they're insecure, unless maybe, I don't know. Maybe there's websites will be blue like that. Maybe some research to do on that. But you know, like when I met Aaron and he started to get insecure about us early on, when he got, and he was just durable from the second night modem met him, he was mysterious. He wasn't sort of like a lot of guys were just very aggressive and he wasn't, he was so gentlemanly.

Lila Turner (1h 10m 57s):
I was like, oh, well he's clean, not interested. Which was good because I was quite a lot younger then. And I was like 18. And when he, when we started dating and I was 21 and he was 24 or something, 24, 25, he got insecure about us and got so insecure. The morning secure, he got the more, I kind of wanted to back slowly out and like call an Uber

Rohini Ross (1h 11m 18s):
Spiritually.

Lila Turner (1h 11m 21s):
I was like, this, isn't what I signed up for. Like how many of you will get with someone and go, I didn't know what they were like. And I was having all that thinking, oh my God. And usually I ended it at a year, but this was earlier than my normal shelf life. And it's funny, you look at him and he was just, you couldn't put anything wrong with him. And he was beautiful. He was utterly fit. We both did a martial art. If he was beautiful, he was really intelligent, really engaged, really just, you know, and just very soft and really all these things. But when he got insecure, he looked like a different person to me. And I just, I just started to give me the shivers. Now. Luckily that's when he came across the principles and saw what insecurity was.

Lila Turner (1h 12m 4s):
And he, when he came back from that trip, I called him up 50 50 was going to dump him. He believe I was going to dump it. So gorgeous. I'm such an such a neuron idiot. He turns up an eye. He walks into the room and he's a different man. Now. Not only was he relaxed again, he was more relaxed than I'd ever seen him. And I was writing about recently, his eyes were shiny or his skin looked like it was glowing. He looked like when someone's insecure, it's like, they're partially occupying their body. You know what I mean? It's like, they're upper left shoulder, but they haven't sunk into the rest of it yet.

Lila Turner (1h 12m 45s):
He was flooding through every part of him with such ease. I was like, girl, I literally wanted to climb inside and take a nap inside of it. I mean, he hit just everything. I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was so gorgeous and I'd never seen him that comfortable in his own skin. And that's all from where his mind was at. So you, I work with people who are all different shapes and sizes I will work with. I remember working with one woman and she is epically hot. She's literally like a neuroscientist. It's so smart. She didn't have 20. She's incredible. I said, look, it's your mind. That's messing this up because you, you are not losing any schools on hotness or like you were just epically.

Lila Turner (1h 13m 27s):
You're like, seriously, if people want to make up, it's an external thing. The only thing getting in the way is how you're thinking, that's it. But it's equally saying for people who think that they need to be thinner or less successful, or, you know, all of these things turns out that's not true either because it's how much you let your free mind to one natural mind run for your body. Yeah. That's beautiful.

Rohini Ross (1h 14m 2s):
That metaphor you used about the metal detector in terms of our intuition, how that gives us a signal to me, that's the antidote to any of the, I've heard about online dating, because I can't imagine how it is to, you know, go through a sea of people in that world. But if you're paying attention to that feeling inside of you, then you're going to be drawn to certain people and not drawn to other people. And you won't know why, but all you need to do is follow that inclination and see what shows up and, and learn and, you know, have some fun hopefully while you're doing it.

Angus Ross (1h 14m 36s):
Yeah. It's, it's kind of fascinating when I think about this, because so much of it is about in the way that I would probably talk to clients, trusting your instincts and, and kind of having a discernment of, you know, instinct is, is another way of saying this is the wisdom coming through in the moment. And yet we get so reliant on, on the hard drive and, and, and, and the analysis and that I've spoken to various businessmen who, who, who can cite all these instances in their career, where they trusted their instincts. And they prevailed in the most exceptional ways. Yeah. When it comes to relationship, this it's like that all goes out the window. And yet it is right across the board in every area of our life.

Angus Ross (1h 15m 19s):
If we learn to trust our instincts, trust that wisdom trust in the design, that it's, it's always going to prevail in, in, in the, probably the best possible way. If we just surrender to it, like going into a house, isn't it interesting that, you know, you trust your instincts and you trust your feeding, like you say, and then you're all smiles. It's like, ah, there, you know, there's my instinct coming through. There's my wisdom shining through. And yet we can come in and show up with our checklist. And, and that's just, yesterday's news, old, old thoughts and,

Rohini Ross (1h 15m 53s):
Or D dismiss, you know, that person that you'd seen that house, you know, eight months ago and said, no, not good enough. And then you actually go check it out and you have a different experience.

Lila Turner (1h 16m 3s):
Yeah. Well, I have definitely the one, we just put an offer in, get it and what's going to happen. But it, I had to, I had a second unit. I had to get over my hip, my sort of reaction reactions, because I wanted to get reactive. Oh, it's cramped in this bit of hall. Oh, it's dark in here. And my mind wanted to sort of keep telling me there was something wrong with it. And I had to just literally sit down and say, how do you feel? Because it wanted to keep telling me what was wrong with it. Cause I'm a bit frightened. I mean, seriously, I'm a bit frightened. I'm like, sort of like, you know, I'm just showing up, like, please don't break my heart. You know, please don't please don't bankrupt me please. Don't be here. Please. Don't find out is dry rot, please.

Lila Turner (1h 16m 43s):
You know, like it's like someone showing up in my mind is trying to argue with me. What if rather than just sit down and see how I feel, because how you feel is never going to make sense with logic ever. It's not going to make sense on paper.

Rohini Ross (1h 16m 59s):
Yeah. Well, Leila, I know we've gone over time. So I just want to say thank you for your generosity. And I've loved this conversation. I've loved the metaphors you've used and it just makes so much common sense that when we're looking for a partner that we get quiet and listen to that deeper knowing inside of ourselves, like that's it. And it doesn't matter if you're dating online. It doesn't matter if you're meeting people in person. It's still the same part of us that is feeding us that information. And I know for Angus and myself, when we met, it was absolutely that metal detector going, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Rohini Ross (1h 17m 39s):
When I saw you, because I had no idea of anything about you. And so it's, it's just being willing to pay attention and, and check it out. And it doesn't mean that every time you check that feeling out, that it's going to turn into a relationship or a house or a job, but it's, it's a step in the direction. And every time we listened to that part of ourselves, I think that builds that relationship. And it makes it easier for us to hear those inner promptings and to trust those inner promptings, the way that you're saying,

Lila Turner (1h 18m 9s):
No, that's a really nice point. And I think just listening to you and you know, I think the biggest thing that people could look at is, is to slow down. Cause actually sometimes I've had some people go out on dates and get really connected, but not realize that it's not an attractive, it's just, they ended up being really good friends because they connected, but just following your nose for connection and what feels like light and like nice, just follow nice. It's not always the following. Yeah. Makes it sound really bland. Doesn't it. But you know what I'm saying? Sexy. Nice. <inaudible>

Rohini Ross (1h 18m 48s):
The new black, when you were talking about Erin coming back from that trip and how gorgeous he was, it did not sound bass to me at all. It sounded very hot and sexy.

Lila Turner (1h 18m 59s):
The thing is I just realizing that every single one of the things that ties the people together that look in this direction in terms of dating, as they all surprise themselves. So if you're an old thought, just know you are capable of surprising yourself.

Rohini Ross (1h 19m 13s):
Yeah. That's beautiful. We can call this episode. Beige is the new sexy. Yeah.

Lila Turner (1h 19m 19s):
I like that use new black as 50 Ks of

Rohini Ross (1h 19m 21s):
Eight. That's right. That's it. I, I just, I mean, it's, it's

Angus Ross (1h 19m 28s):
So wonderful. Just how universal this understanding is. Cause everything that you have said is, is a clickable to all the, all the facets of our life and, and, and, and, and you express yourself so beautifully. And I think that it's just wonderful to, to think about all that you've said and that, yeah, this is so applicable to my, to my professional life, to my relationship life, to my, you know, to every element of my life. It's so wonderful just to hear everybody's different take on it. And, and through this lens, looking at relationship, it, I don't know, you've just done an job, but just pointing to, to the, to the, to the principles and this understanding and, and in, and through the optics of relationship.

Angus Ross (1h 20m 19s):
I think it's, I, I love that. Thank you.

Rohini Ross (1h 20m 22s):
Yeah. Thank you, Leila. And we'll be including your information about one thought and relationship ready. So we'll make sure that people have a way of connecting with you. And I always love listening to you and really appreciate the feeling that I drop into when I'm in your presence and the feeling that you exude, because I feel like you are such a beautiful demonstration of showing up naturally showing up as yourself just being you and it it's magnetic. Really?

Lila Turner (1h 20m 52s):
Wow. Get me a room. Bought me a drink guys. It's really nice. Thank you. I can do it. It was really fun. It was really, really fun. Yeah. Thank you so much for having me and thank you for putting your sweetness in the world. You really feel it.

4 (1h 21m 16s):
Thank you so much for listening to Rewilding Love. If you enjoyed this podcast, please let us know by subscribing on iTunes. And we would love for you to leave a review there. iTunes reviews will steer people to this podcast who need help with their relationships. If you would like to learn more about our work and their online rewilding community, please visit our website, the re.org. Thanks for listening. Join us next week.