Nine Years From Collapse To Self-Return

What if the moment everything falls apart is actually the moment love pries you open? Julie takes us through a nine-year arc that began with a single word—“enough”—and a choice she never thought she’d make: walking away from the dance studio she built with her sister. That exit ignited shock, isolation, anxiety, and a grief so deep it lived on the bathroom floor. Yet within the collapse was a quieter truth: the soul wasn’t broken, only the hardened shell cracked so something truer could breathe.

We move step by step through the emotional weather that followed—rage at family and fate, the ache of abandonment, and the stubborn loop of “why can’t I let this go.” Surface practices helped, but shadow work did what quick fixes couldn’t. A mirror turned inward revealed patterns, choices, and survival strategies that needed compassion and accountability. The turning point came with self-forgiveness: “I forgive myself for what I didn’t know.” That practice softened the chest, rewired the story, and shifted the language from “that happened to me” to “now it is up to me.”

Along the way, we explore the power of being witnessed—through therapy, inner child work, internal family systems, and plant medicines—to open the locked rooms of the heart. The void that felt like exile became a womb for rebirth. Leaving dance wasn’t failure; it was the end of a chapter and the start of a truer path. The takeaway is simple and demanding: you are not broken; you are breaking open. Anger, sadness, and grief are teachers. On the other side of each is the same horizon—love, freedom, and the choice to craft new patterns. If this journey resonates, follow the show, share this story with someone who needs it, and leave a review with your biggest takeaway so we can keep growing this community together. Where are you being asked to soften today?

Transcript

Setting The Stage: Nine Years

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hello, and welcome back to the Spiritual Shit Show. My name is Julie Wynn, and this is the podcast where we keep it real, raw, messy. Ooh, sounds dirty, doesn't it? But on all things being human and spiritual and awakening, nine years ago is when my own personal spiritual shit show started. And nine years later, I can finally celebrate a deeper knowing of what it's like to move through your own shit, to move through your own pains, your traumas, the aches, the anger, the resentment, the sadness, the abandonment. And so today's episode, I'm going to share a little bit of what I've learned in nine years of healing. And I also want to know that hopefully for you it doesn't take as long as it did for me. But also, if it does, that's okay. It's the reminder that we are here for life's work, the journey of understanding and knowing ourselves. The remembrance of who we are is one of the greatest gifts. We are a fucking mystery. And we are more than what we think we are. And that's the huge joke of the universe, I think, sometimes. We get so wound up and stressed and worried, and we forget that we are so much bigger, so much more magnificent. You are one of one. There will never be a you again. Just that statement right there. How often do you really land in that? That how you see the world, what you experience, what you create, it is a story, one of one. Never to be duplicated again. That's fantastic. But we are here in life school, and life school can suck sometimes. But we do it because it's bringing us deeper to love. And love and joy and fun and the remembrance is cool. So here's my story. Nine years ago, I turned around to press play for a rehearsal I was running inside my dance studio. In my room, I loved out of all of the rooms that we had in the dance studio, I loved this room the most. And it was after a long time of being in turbulence with my business partner at the time, who was also my sister, and already having this push-pool relationship of I want you to be my sister, and also I need my freedom, and also a lot of this is toxic, and also I love you, and also this is toxic, and also like it was just very layered and complex. And then also there was just a lot of stuff that was happening behind the scenes that were really fucked up. There was a lot of fucked up stuff happening, but I grit in because I was not going to leave my studio. It is a place that I've built since I was 21. And at the time when I left, I was 36. So I was like, no, I worked my ass off for this studio. I am going to reap the benefits of all of this hard work. Like, I want my freedom in the business. I want more money from the business. I want to be able to create and play. And the foundation has been laid. And now I want to, I want to play. So I grit into this force that was pushing me out. And I pulled out all the tools every day. My gratitude list, I would say it out loud like a crazy person on my way to the studio, to get myself and my heart space in a place where I could sustain the day, that I could be in happiness in my work. And on this particular day, after weeks of just pain and arguments and shit, I just heard a voice as I turned around to press play. It was a voice. And the voice said, enough. And it felt like the whole room kind of spun and I was in my body, but outside of my body. It was like a higher force was now in control because I myself would have never left. Something bigger than me came in to move me. And it felt like I had no choice but to surrender to it. It was terrifying. And after I left, I felt so relieved, so fucking relieved. And I understood what gratitude and grief was. And obviously shock. I just left my business. Who the fuck does that? But I was being moved and I didn't understand yet what it was. And it was so, so much. It was so crazy. I was being moved from everything. Everything. Obviously, after all of that, I was in a huge state of shock. Like huge state of shock. Like, I can't believe I fucking just did that. What did I do? Do I feel regret? I feel I feel relief. I actually feel proud of myself. I feel free. And also, I feel lost. Spiritual shit show. Because I didn't just lose my work. I lost my identity. I lost my money. I lost my passion. I lost what I loved, which was teaching and creating. And I lost my people. I lost my community. I lost my family. I lost my routine. I had poured so much love into my business for so long. And when spirit moved me out, it didn't show me where I was going. It just moved me. And what followed was a collapse. Anxiety that I've never known before. Depression to the point where I think I spent a month laying on my bathroom floor, quote unquote sick. I could not move. Loneliness. Oh my gosh. Deep sense of abandonment. Confusion. And a version of life that I didn't recognize and I didn't know. And I felt like now I was holding all of this pain and stories and stuff, a lifetime of stuff. And I couldn't share my story. I couldn't share my side. I couldn't, because it was too much. It was too heavy. It was too dark. It was all too fucked up, even for me to realize. And there was a moment right before that whisper of enough. And it was a phone call. It was a phone call with my business partner, who was also my sister. And she said something so sharp, so cutting, so devastating. I saw myself crack. Literally. I'll never forget this image. I saw myself shattered on the floor. It was such a strange and painful sensation. I have never had somebody cut me open or break me, glass on the ground, fractured. And for nine years my work has been sitting with those pieces. And at first I was like, oh well, maybe I just have to put myself back together. Oh, that would be easy. What I eventually realized was that I was actually never broken. What she broke was the structure around me. The clay finally cracked. And me, my soul was revealed. Enough.

SPEAKER_00 8:14

If I stay in this place any longer, I will never know the gift of what it's like to be me.

Anxiety, Depression, And Isolation

Rage, Abandonment, And Grief

SPEAKER_01 8:25

So I was moved. And there are stages of healing that nobody talks about. Healing does not arrive all at once. I wish it did. But nine years, my first stage was isolation, heaviness, depression, anxiety, loneliness. And then came anger, rageful, bitter anger. I could feel it in my eyes, at my family, at my past, at my lineage, at God, at life. So angry, angry. I felt so abandoned. I felt like I put my life and my soul and my light and my love so generously. And then it was gone. And nobody cared. I was left. How could you leave me? How could you not care about me? How could you leave my daughter? So angry. And then there was grief. And that grief and that sadness has lasted a long time. But then somewhere in the middle was like this beautiful dance of both. There were moments of joy and freedom and travel. And then also the moments where I would be triggered, sad, alone. And then I'd feel grateful and free. And then I was drowning again in frustration. What is my purpose? What am I supposed to be doing? How come I'm not working again the way I used to? And then it was, and fucking why can't I let this go? This is so annoying. I am so annoying. Everybody has moved on. I cannot let this go. And when I talk to friends who have similar situations, it's that, which is why I want to share. Healing takes time. And when people tell you to let it go or move on, or that's in the past, I'm not living in the past, in some ways, it's just because they're not dealing with it. And it's easier said than done. And healing needs a witness. And if you are moving through a lifetime of complex situations and traumas, disconnections from love, you can't just let that go. Each one needs to be held, seen. And then I always kind of laugh too, because I'm like, people who say I don't live in the past, but go to therapy, half the time your therapy is based around what happened in your past. So don't give me that bullshit. This is what I always want to say. But anyway, we're getting back on track. Why can't I let this go? And then Spirit said, because we're going deeper. The shadow. Again, the part of the healing. I did so much meditation and yoga and breath work, and because I was so desperate to get out of this feeling of sadness and so desperate to find myself, to know myself, like to put me on the path. Please, God, put me back on my path. What am I supposed to be doing? And the shadow, when the shadow work came in, was brutal. No one wants to see their own mess, to take real accountability for the part that you played in this, your personality. My spirit turned the mirror right back on me. All those things that I was blaming and angry and pissed about, mirror right back at me. And I had to look. I had to take a hard, gnarly look at my patterns, at my choices, at my wounds, at my survival strategies. And I was just sitting there being shown all of this. Holy shit.

unknown 12:44

Fuck.

The Loop And Why Letting Go Fails

Shadow Work And The Mirror Turned Inward

SPEAKER_01 12:45

Fuck. I am this. I did do that. I'm not innocent in all of this. I wanted to be the innocent one, the wronged one, the clean one, the good one. I hated the idea of being the victim and not being able to tell my story. But the truth was, I lived inside that story for years, not because I wanted to, but because I couldn't see love yet. And I could only see what was done to me, what I didn't have, what was stripped from me. And then spiritual shit show. It was messy, it was gnarly. Nobody wants to do that. I cried for hours and hours and hours and hours. But then I was shown, and this is what healing really is: is to reclaim these parts within yourself, to hold them tenderly, to understand yourself, to be able to say, I am so, so sorry. I am so sorry. And then to turn that apology inward. So you can forgive yourself. And it's easy to forgive somebody else because you can say, I'm sorry, and then you move on. But to actually sit with yourself and compassionately notice how you are, what your patterns are, what your personality is, and then to graciously begin the practice of self-forgiveness, hard. It is hard. And I think that's why they say forgiveness is not for them. It's for you. Because the real apology, the real forgiveness is, and I forgive myself. I forgive myself for what I didn't know, for how I survived, for the years it took me to heal. I forgive myself for being that way. My intention wasn't, that wasn't my intention, but clearly I was out of alignment from love. I wanted to be seen. I wanted to dot dot dot. And until I could forgive myself, I was gonna always be in this loop, in this healing loop that I was so desperate to get out of. I prayed for so long. God, teach me what forgiveness is. I don't want to feel so heavy in my heart and in my body. I want to get out of this loop. I want to move on. Put me on my path. Show me what I'm here to do. And that path could not open fully until I learned that part that I was praying for, which was forgiveness. For years I thought I am in a void. This is lonely, it's silent, it aches. I hate it. No one understands. This is what the void is. It's black, it's dark, it's a womb. And I'm waiting for my rebirth, patiently waiting for my rebirth. But the rebirth was me. If I hadn't been emptied, literally, I never would have filled myself with truth, with self-love, with presence. The greatest disconnection is from yourself. And now, now, after all of this work, all of this work, I am beginning to understand what home is. And it is recognizing that my soul has taken its home in this physical body, that I am home. I am home. I am a piece of the universe that has made its home in this version of myself, what I call myself in this physical body. So in this form, with these gifts, I can experience the potentials of the universe. I can experience the potentials of the universe. I spent nine years blaming, angry, wanting my story to be heard, valid, seen, valid. Healing needs a witness. All parts of ourselves need to come through. Inner child work, internal family systems, plant medicines. Those are a game changer for me. Because it was like spirit could show me these parts that I didn't even know existed, these rooms inside of my house or these drawers that needed to be opened that I would never open by myself. Nine years of unpacking lifetimes of what has formed me now, to know thyself. What a gift, what a privilege, how powerful an apology is. Understanding grace, reclaiming these parts that have been buried in guilt are for me shame. And then to see that all of it, this divine cosmic blueprint, your story, the entire time has been wrapped in the rapture of love. Nine years later, I can no longer say that happened to me. That happened to me. That happened to me. And the new sentence that is even scarier and holier is and now it is up to me.

SPEAKER_00 18:20

It is up to me. It is up to me.

Self-Forgiveness As The Doorway

The Void, Rebirth, And Coming Home

SPEAKER_01 18:27

From here on out, my life is my responsibility. No one to blame, no one to lean on, just me. That's kind of terrifying. But it's also filled with a certain type of excitement, freedom, relief. Now I get to choose how I want to live, who I become, what love feels like, what I build, what I release, how I am as a mother, as a wife, as a friend, as a teacher. I am no longer molded from the patterns of my past or inherited traumas from the lineage. But nine years later has led me to the remembrance that I am molding. I get to create form. I get to create loving energies, loving patterns. I get to dance with love. Love. Love. Nine years of healing and trying to rebuild a career that now I know was never mine. The dance world was not for me for a lifetime. It was just supposed to be a small portion. So I could pass the torch to maybe someone else in the family that can do it so much bigger and better and love-filled. It was nine years of letting that part of me go, that story go. That was hard. It is still hard. But to see and what is here for me now? What is my dream? What is my dream? Nine years of healing, nine years of becoming, nine years of shedding, nine years of slowly remembering, nine years of initiation to myself that I can finally be home in myself. Sometimes the only way out of it is through it. And however long it takes to get through it is exactly the journey that you need to be on. Little notes that I want to share is the longer I resisted the pain, and the more I forced what obviously is never to be, the more shame I brought into myself. Also, how powerful it is to have your pain witnessed. You are not meant to suffer in silence. You are not meant to do the work yourself. That in so many ways you are life itself experiencing life. That life created you so it could witness itself. So all of these stories, all of these pains, all of these situations, in order for it to be truly healed, it needs to be truly seen from a loving, compassionate lens. So you can see through it and through all things is love. What's on the other side of this anger? Holy shit, it's love. What's on the other side of this sadness? Shit, it's fucking love. It all comes back to love. But anger can be a great teacher, sadness as a teacher, grief as a teacher, and sit with it long enough for it to transmute back into, you know the word. Love. And you will get through it. You will get through it.

SPEAKER_00 22:32

You will get through it.

SPEAKER_01 22:41

And there's also a certain type of surrender that needs to happen. That I couldn't force myself through the healing. And I wanted to because it was so uncomfortable. Who wants to be in this place? I fucking hated it. I hated who I was in it. I hated what I couldn't receive in it. I hated that it took me so long to try to. I hated that it took me so much effort and time to rebuild a position and dance. And how frustrating that was because it was never catching. I was just like, well, I guess I'm just fishing. I'm just waiting for any of these lines to catch. And then the desperation, like literally on my knees. God, please just put me on my path. Please, God, I can't do this anymore. Please, God.

SPEAKER_00 23:34

Please. And I needed to soften. I needed to soften. And I needed to soften into doing the work. And I needed to soften enough so I could see my own shadow.

SPEAKER_01 23:58

That it was these shadow parts that needed to be integrated back into love. That I needed to learn how to hold to love with tenderness, with compassion.

SPEAKER_00 24:17

I couldn't force my healing. And what you resist persists.

Witnessing, Modalities, And Integration

SPEAKER_01 24:29

And the soul's journey is lifetimes. So we have time. And if any of this resonated, it's like the remembrance, and this is what I want to speak out into the universe. What we need to hear more often is, you are not broken. Things did not fall apart. Things broke open. Love is breaking you open, wrapped in the rapture of love. Your story is not too much. Actually, it's a story that can help other people. Because we are all in this web of humanity, of growth and rebirth and deepening our capacity to understand ourselves what's really true for us, what really matters. Tenderly looking at spaces that we need to heal, see, hold, love, reclaim. So we can soften surrender. So we can remember the real job that we're here to do, which is we are simply the universe experiencing itself. The universe in its infinite amount of possibilities, frequencies, stories, potentials.

SPEAKER_00 26:07

And that we get to choose love and beauty and creativity and presence and change. That we can embrace the fullness of possibilities. Freedom.

From “Happened To Me” To “Up To Me”

SPEAKER_01 26:30

Sometimes when we forget, spirit comes in because it knows you will not move yourself and will literally move you. And if and when this happens, remember things are not falling apart. You are being broken and open into the infinite power of love of you. I am sending you so much love. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being one of one. Thank you for dreaming big. And may we all continue to stretch deepen into the infinite possibilities of loving creative ways and experiences. All right. Onward. Ha ha. Thank you. Bye.