Identity crisis

The fastest way to lose yourself is to confuse your role with your essence and the slowest way back is learning who you are without the title. I’m recording from my dining room table, no lights and no performance, because this story needs the kind of honesty that can actually hold it. 

I start with a question that can change everything: what identity feels most comfortable for you, not necessarily most aligned? We talk about the “strong one,” the “responsible one,” the caretaker, the achiever, and all the labels that once kept us safe. Then I share what happened when my identity as a dance teacher and dance studio owner, “Miss Julie,” got stripped away after years of building a successful business and then living inside a toxic partnership that I later understood through the lens of emotional abuse, financial control, and gaslighting. 

There’s a moment when Spirit says “Enough,” and I walk out. What follows is relief and grief, a full-body identity crisis, and the dreaded question “What do you do?” I unpack why identity crisis can be an initiation, why “everything needs a witness,” and how radical acceptance and curiosity can move us from surviving to thriving. If you’re navigating a career change, healing from narcissistic abuse dynamics, rebuilding self-trust, or redefining purpose, this one is for you. 

If this resonates, subscribe, share it with a friend who’s starting over, and leave a review so more people can find this kind of real conversation. What identity are you ready to loosen your grip on?

Transcript

Authenticity Over Production

0:00

Hello and welcome back to the Spiritual Shit Show. My name is Julie Nguyen and before I recorded today's podcast, I just did a quick little Google, why podcasts became so popular. And the answer was because podcasts create a feeling of authenticity. And listeners often say it feels like sitting in a room with someone having an honest conversation. Number one, the invitation here is may we find ourselves sitting in rooms with people. having more honest, real conversations. And number two, thank you for being here. This is the whole reason why I am creating this podcast. It's. The original intent for them was for it to feel real and less filtered and more thoughtful and less performative than social media. I sometimes find the pressure to do the whole podcast setup and then today. I'm reminded of the original intent was for authenticity. Thank you so much for being here. to give you a visual. I sit at my dining room table, looking out at the mountains, also taking in this incredible. Stained glass chakra, wood hanging thing that my husband made and gifted me for my birthday a few years ago. Sitting next to a very large crystal amethyst and grateful to sit and reflect upon my own life and to be able to share some of it with you. over spring break. I had the incredible and fun opportunity to travel to New York City and be a guest on someone else's podcast. It was such a gift because not only have I known these people for over 20 years, but do you have friends in your life where So much time passes before you talk to them. And then when you meet and you reconnect, it's like no time has passed at all. To me, those types of relationships are such a gift. Now, like I said, when I record my own podcasts, it's simple. It's low budgets, me and my dining room table, and this little space that I've created, my candle that's lit and my heart. No lights, no cameras, no big production, just me and my phone. And this really cool brand new microphone that my brother and sister-in-law gifted me for, for my birthday this year. And I love that. And there is something really beautiful about letting what wants to come through authentically and organically in my own space come through. And it was also so special to step into someone else's space, especially in New York City, with a beautiful view. It felt so bougie. For a moment, it was like, yes, I could get used to this, but honestly, it was also so great to be able to support somebody else's podcast and to share parts of my story in a different way.

Friends NYC And Being Witnessed

3:20

I love this saying everything needs a witness. And in my own healing journey, I realized that I wasn't fully able to move through it completely because the thing that I was missing was a safe witness to it. And then I've realized that everything needs a witness. Your dreams need a witness. Your pain story needs a witness. You need a witness. So having somebody create space for your story to not only be told, but in the telling of it to be witnessed, felt so powerful. And in this interview or podcasting, the thing that really kept coming through was this theme of identity, identity and identity crisis.

Comfortable Identities And Survival

4:15

And before I share more of my story, I want to invite you into this question, what identity feels most comfortable for you? Not necessarily the identity that feels most aligned, but the identity that feels most familiar. The role of mother. The role or the identity of the artist in the family, or the black sheep of the family, or the identity of what you do, your work, the identity as a writer, the identity or role of that, you're somebody who's always happy and so light filled the identity or role, dot, dot, dot. It is getting me to think about these identities that we form and question why? Because familiar often feels safe. The labeling feels safe. I know for myself when my original identity as dance teacher studio owner was stripped from me, the question that I stumbled over time and time again and still to this day still hate answering, is the question of what do you do? So what identity feels most comfortable for you and why? Even if it's limiting, even if it was originally created from survival. We all have roles. We step into roles. We learned early in life roles that help us feel more safe. Roles that helped us belong, roles that helped us identify who we think we are. Roles that helped us navigate difficult environments. Maybe you are the responsible one. Maybe you are the strong one. Maybe you are the achiever. Maybe you are the dancer. Maybe you are the creator. Maybe you are the free spirit, the gypsy one. Maybe you are the caretaker. Maybe you are the one who always holds it together. Maybe you are the one who is always in charge. and sometimes those identities serve a purpose. And I would honestly say when those roles and identities are formed, they absolutely do serve a purpose. They're supporting us. They protect us, they help us to survive. But every once in a while, it is powerful to ask, is this identity helping me survive? Or is this identity helping me to thrive? Because sometimes the role that once protected you or allowed you to be may not be the role that expands you. So what do I mean by that? If you are the one who is always in charge, what would it feel like to let someone else take the lead? If you are always the strong one, what would it feel like to allow yourself to be supported? If you are always giving and managing and planning, what would it feel like to receive? If you are always doing, doing, doing, doing, busy, busy, busy, busy, what would it feel like to allow for a simple day to happen in your life? In your week where nothing needs to be accomplished, nothing is planned, if you are always the responsible one. What would it feel like to play. Identity can create safety, but identity can also create limitation and identity. Crisis is often the space where something new is trying to emerge.

Miss Julie And Studio Life

7:54

Before I began doing intuitive work, before coaching, before these podcasts, before my spiritual work, my entire, and I mean entire adult identity was built around me. As a dance teacher and a studio owner and a very successful one at that. I opened my first dance studio when I was 21 years old with my business partner. And if you know anything about the dance world, it is not a very casual job. It is seven days a week. It is long nights. It's. Your weekend's filled with competitions. It is mentoring, it's choreographing, it is staff, it's families, it's emotions, it's people coming, it's people quitting. It's drama. It is everything. It is an all in type of job and truly your entire family unit has to revolve, around this business. It is very hard. To find a very healthy work life balance in the dance studio world. Maybe some people have accomplished it. I was unable to, and because I started so young, My entire adult identity was intertwined with being a successful dance studio owner. That was who I was. I was Miss Julie. It was my community. It was my life. It was my creativity. It was my purpose. It was my financial stability. It was my identity. I was Miss Julie. And during that time, life was expanding in beautiful ways. In my thirties, I met the love of my life. I got married, I had my daughter. Not necessarily in that order. We bought a home and I had so many dreams in my mid thirties. I was at this, space where I'm like, okay. I have worked and put in 16 years into this business. It needs to now begin to work for me. I have put in the time, the blood, sweat, tears into this, and now I finally thank goodness, get to experience life on the other side. I get to be a mom. I get to be a wife. I get to feel what it feels like to create a home life for my family. I get to travel, I get to, Because the work has been put into the business, I was financially stable. I had also all of these other dreams that I wanted to, try on. I wanted to be the Oprah of dance. I wanted to support dance teachers and studio owners in creating more balance, more self-care, more sustainability. I knew that there was such a lack of nourishment and support in the dance world, and I wanted to be the one who was offering. the conversation around how can we make this space better? How can we incorporate more self-care, more sustainability, more balance? Because what I saw in the industry was so many women pouring everything into their studios without receiving nourishment themselves. I also wanted to move through this idea Owning a dance studio was just a heart-centered business that didn't make any money. I was curious about how we can actually be badass women and lead a heart-centered business and be making money. I wanted to host retreats. I wanted to write books. I wanted to be a motivational speaker. I wanted to create workshops. I wanted to help dancers build emotional resilience, everything. In my mid thirties felt so perfect and so aligned and everything felt so expansive.

Dreams Expand As Partnership Turns Toxic

11:36

And at the same time, the relationship between my business partner and I, was becoming increasingly unhealthy. We were just growing in different directions and the environment was becoming toxic, deeply destabilizing, And, later I was able to realize through many years of therapy that the relationship, my business relationship itself, was dancing in the pool of narcissistic abuse, financial abuse, emotional abuse. And I didn't see it at the time, but as I began to build my own life and take ownership of what I wanted to create, And I was beginning to, notice the gaslighting and the chronic invalidation and, the feelings of being destabilized. I knew that I was being forced out of my business. And when you are in an environment like that, you slowly begin to lose your sense of self. One of my beautiful qualities that I own is being stubborn, and I knew that I was being gaslit, and I knew that I was being forced out of my business. And so I dug my heels in and I was committed to riding, it out. For as long and as toxic and as painful as it was gonna be, I was not going to lose this battle. I was gonna stay in my business. You cannot force me out, and I'm gonna stay here until something shifts. And so for about a year and a half, every day was hard. I literally whipped out all of my coaching tools of gratitude and breath work and positivity. Prayer. Oh my God, I've never prayed so much before in my life. And every day I was trying to maintain my sanity while also knowing deep down that this situation was not sustainable. And the more I began to grow, the more I began to set my boundaries, the more I began to say no. The more I began to claim my life. My husband, my daughter, my values, how I wanted my life to be the clear it all became, this environment as it was, was not going to be able to hold the version of me that I wanted to become. And sometimes growth disrupts systems that rely on you staying small.

Hearing Enough And Quitting

14:20

Eventually the writing was on the wall, and one day I walked into my business after 17 years and as I turned around to turn on the music for our rehearsal, I very clearly heard Spirit say Enough And it was like something took over me. I turned around and I was like, oh my God, like this is my last day. Like I can't, like this is the end. This is the end. I've reached the end of the road. I can't do this anymore. And I was mindfully trying to figure out how I was gonna do this. So I brought the kids together and I said, look, we're gonna rehearse, but I wanna tell you that this is my last day here and you have all of the tools that you need. And I am sure in hindsight, this all could have been handled differently. And I'm sure it was very traumatic for these students, which I do hold a lot of regret. And it was something like, something was moving me, something was saying, Julie, you cannot do this anymore enough. And so on a Wednesday I walked into my business and I heard enough and I walked out of my business. I came home and my sweet husband was like, Hey, did you come home early or did you get off early? And I told him, no, I quit. And I didn't just like quit, I quit. Like I can't go back. Like I'm not going back. And I remember in that moment I was able to hold such a deep sense of relief because it was a year and a half that I knew I was, getting pushed out of my business. And so it was a year and a half of holding my ground and struggling every single day and grief. It was relief and grief at the same time. And when my friend said, oh my God, we heard what just happened, number one, are you okay? And can we bring you anything? I said, I want chocolate cake and wine, which is such a odd request, but I was like, I feel like celebrating because this feels like for the first time in my life I have finally said a big yes to myself that I am no longer gonna place myself in a position where. I am literally just trying to survive in an environment that is never going to support me.

Losing Everything And Finding Essence

16:40

And when I left, I lost everything. I lost my business, my community, my friends, my students, my financial stability, my structure, and I lost my identity. And if you have ever experienced identity crisis, you know how disorienting that can feel. The very first Saturday that I had free, that I wasn't at the dance studio rehearsing competitive numbers or I wasn't at a competition, I literally had no idea what to do with myself. So I pathetically swept my entire house for hours, and I remember doing it like, what am I doing? But I didn't know what else to do because for 17 years of my life, every Saturday I was up early rehearsing numbers at the studio from nine in the morning till five o'clock at night or later, or I was at a competition. There was no free Saturdays ever that I had this 17 year career. So having a Saturday where I had nothing to do, I didn't know what to do. Who am I without this role of being Miss Julie? Who am I without the title of I own a dance studio? Who am I without having purpose and who am I without going to a place where I can use my creativity and I can, can love, and I can be with other people and, I can have ideas, and I can have dreams and I can make it all happen. All of it was gone, like literally gone. I also remember thinking for a really long time, I don't know how to dress anymore. I don't know what I like. I don't know what I'm good at. I was gaslit for so long, like was my entire life, just a lie. And then because I was so used to being gaslit, I started gaslighting myself. What am, I interested in? What is true for me? Was I talented? Was I a good teacher? Was I successful? Was I liked, was I creative? Was I a good choreographer? I had no idea Did I just imagine everything? Identity crisis. And what I now understand is that identity crisis is often not a breakdown. It's an initiation. Oh my God, I wish somebody told me this when I was going through it, because when everything you thought defined, you literally falls away. What remains is essence. And to this day, I am learning how to sit with the essence of who I am. And it is your essence that cannot be taken away from you. It is your essence that you need to own, to know, to embrace, to nourish, and most importantly, love your gifts remain your sensitivity remains. Your creativity remains, your intuition remains. And for me, the last nine years, it's been a slow remembering, a reclaiming. And what was hard was I was struggling in trying to rebuild what I once had. To not let go of that identity, to still figure out how I can move forward, these dreams that I had, the moving forward and the pushing of the dreams created years of personal struggle and suffering What was once so easy for me. Now wasn't easy. And I was also so fucking angry that I spent 17 years working at a business. And when I finally said, okay, now the business can work for me. and now, now I get to experience the fruits of my labor, and then it was gone and I had nothing to rebuild from. That was fucking hard. I've had to learn how to reclaim these parts, and it has been a slow rebuild, tenderly, compassionately remembering. Who I am, and one of the things that surprised me during this podcast interview that I did, after sharing a little bit of my story, the host asked me, so who is Julie now? And the words that came outta my mouth surprised me because today, Julie is someone who is really proud of herself. I am proud of who I've become, and I am excited about who I am continuing to become. I am proud of the healing that I have done. I am proud of the work it has taken to untangle so many layers. I am proud of what I have overcome. I am grateful for my husband who has been incredibly patient with me through all of this. I am grateful that I have had time to heal and something else surprised me is a part of me can now say thank you to my former business partner, because she played a very hard role in my life story. And of course I still have days where I am fucking angry about it and I fucking am so resentful I can also see that I have been gifted freedom that these parts of the business that I didn't know how I was gonna manage, like I didn't want to miss out on. nights where I could tuck my, child into bed because I was working at the dance studio, or I was trying to figure out how I could place my husband and my daughter first and not my dance studio and the dancers first. I also wanted to know what it was like Not be responsible for the drama that was always happening within the dance studio. People quitting people, upset people, you know, moving to other studios, the animosity, the competitiveness, like I didn't want my entire life to feel that way. I wanted to know what it felt like to have peace or freedom You know, vacations where I can literally be on vacation and not answering emails from, disgruntled parents. I wanted to know what it felt like to not feel like I'm either supporting or disappointing somebody because of the work that we're doing. I didn't know how to manage running a highly competitive program while also nourishing it at a heart and soul level. I also know that starting a business in my early twenties was not something I wanted to experience for the rest of my life. That there was a huge part of me that wanted to know what, life felt like outside of the studio and losing my business opened the doorway into a life I have never known. My previous episode on the podcast was about radical acceptance, and I can see how much losing my identity has brought me into a space of curiosity around radical acceptance. Who am I? Who do I get to become? And one truth that came through during this podcast conversation was. I have to take responsibility for my life and that can feel scary because for so long I was Miss Julie and I didn't know how to not be Miss Julie. And I took a lot of pride in being Miss Julie to be honest with you. And the question I dreaded most after I left the studio was, what do you do? Because once that answer was so easy, I own a dance studio. I was a dance teacher, done clear, recognized, and then suddenly silence. And what I'm realizing is I am deeply interested in the human experience because as hard and chaotic and confusing and painful, I literally spent nine years praying for peace and forgiveness. And I'm grateful that I get to experience it, that I've been able to experience the shift. I am grateful that I know what it feels like to lose an identity because losing identity reminds us we are not the role. Now after nine years of healing, I can feel something else shifting. Yes, I still have my sad days. Yes, I still have my days where I am angry and resentful and pissed that I am starting all over because. It's been hard. It really has been hard. Nobody wants to start over in life. It feels like your life should continue to build, and I do miss so many parts of my old life. I miss having creativity, constantly being woven in my day. I miss teaching so much. I miss being constantly in my body. There are so many parts of my old life that I miss and I've had to grieve.

The Bridge From Healing To Thriving

26:05

And what I'm realizing now is, I have been healing and dancing with, this identity crisis for nine years. I am noticing that my brain is still scanning for what needs now to be fixed and healed. What needs improvement? I can feel that I am standing on a bridge right now, a bridge between healing and thriving that I've released for the most part, this identity of, well, I have released the the role of dance studio owner 'cause that definitely is not my role. But I still do dabble as a dance teacher every once in a while. And for a long time my main role was healing. Transitioning from surviving to thriving, and I don't know if I have ever fully experienced what it's like to thrive. Even when I was in the dance world, even when I was a dance studio owner, there was still instability. There was still a lack of nourishment. There was still a huge, constant sense of survival. I did not come from a strong family foundation. I learned resilience early. I learned independence early. I learned survival early. And now in my forties, I am learning how to build a foundation for myself. And yes, sometimes that feels lonely, and sometimes I feel sad about that, that I did not come from a deeply rooted soil that naturally supported thriving. But something is shifting because lately my mantra has been, I see the potential in myself. I see potential everywhere. Right now, My body has changed over the years. I am not dancing every day. I am sitting more honestly. I sit here and I record these podcasts. I sit when I'm doing one-on-one sessions. I sit when I am writing or working on my website. I'm creating in a different way. And instead of meeting this new version of myself with a little shame. I am able to meet it with curiosity. I see the potential, the potential for vitality, for strength, for feeling vibrant again, but this time not from punishment or survival, but from possibility.

Identity Checks And New Potential

28:31

Because identity is not fixed. Identity is fluid, and every once in a while it is powerful to do an identity check. It is powerful to do an identity check every once in a while because it's important to ask is, this role helping me survive? Is this role something that is just offering? Comfort or is it helping me thrive? Is this role keeping me safe, consistent? It's what I know, or is it helping me expand? Is this role aligned with who I am today or connected to who I need to be to get through something? Sometimes thriving requires us to loosen the armor, and that is so hard sometimes thriving requires us to soften the grip to become curious again, what else can I experience in my life? What else is there that I can be nourished from? At 47, oh wait, at 47. This is the first time in my life where I feel like thriving is possible for me, and I truly do know that I am on that bridge from healing to thriving. And I am not fully there yet, but I am. Deeply curious about what the next identity will be, what identity I get to create, embody from wholeness. There is still uncertainty, but there is also excitement because something tells me it's going to come together quite brilliantly, and the hard part is trusting that. Maybe identity crisis is actually identity evolution. Oh, it's so hard though, you guys. I'm telling you, it's so hard and maybe identity helped you survive. It gave you a purpose, it gave you a role, and curiosity helps you thrive. And maybe who you are becoming holds more potential than anything you have experienced before. And maybe. The real magic was never in the role or the identity that the truth is. The magic has always simply just been you. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast, supporting me in my journey and my story, and I am sending you so much love supporting you. And your story and your journey, the magic is you. Till next time.