A Psychologist Explains Why Helping Others Actually Fixes Your Anxiety

What if the cure for your anxiety, your loneliness, or that loop of negative thoughts isn't more self-care, but stepping outside of yourself entirely? This week on Midweek Motivation, Jess sits down with Nancy, a psychologist and coach, to unpack what the research actually says about what happens in your brain when you serve others. Turns out, the science lines up perfectly with what God designed us for all along.

Discover:

• Why self-focus mirrors what psychologists call "mental rumination" (a nice way of saying obsessing)
• How compassionate acts activate your brain's reward centers and create a reinforcing loop
• The difference between "fluctuating happiness" and "authentic, durable happiness"
• Why self-transcendence is negatively correlated with depression, anxiety, and obsessive thoughts
• How to get your kids outside of themselves and shift their perspective for years to come
• The spectrum from codependency to extreme independence, and where healthy interdependence lives
• A practical local resource for one-off volunteer opportunities (no long-term commitment required)

We live in a culture that says "you do you." But the research, and scripture, both point to something deeper: we were made to be intertwined. Like Redwood trees whose roots hold each other up through every storm, our wellbeing is connected to how we show up for the people around us.

Key Takeaways:

• Serving others releases dopamine and serotonin, creating a reinforcing loop in your brain's reward centers
• Self-transcendence is protective against depression, anxiety, and obsessive thinking
• You don't need grand gestures. Holding a door or sharing a lunch counts.
• Modeling altruism for your kids can shift their worldview for decades
• Take care of yourself AND others. Interdependence, not codependence.

Question for you to think about:

What's one small thing you could do this week to step outside of your own head and into someone else's day?

If this reframed something for you, share it with a friend who's been stuck in their own head lately. Drop a comment and let us know how you're putting this into practice. Subscribe so you never miss a Midweek Motivation.

Scriptures referenced: The Greatest Commandment (love God, love others as yourself)

Series tie-in: Serving series at Westside Community Church

Local resource: Hands On Portland: handsonportland.org

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#MidweekMotivation #MentalHealth #ServingOthers #WestsideCommunityChurch #Anxiety #Psychology #ChristianFaith #DurableHappiness #Community #BrainScience

Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:00

If we are lonely, if we're anxious, if we're stressed, if we uh, you know, but we then go and give something of ourselves to someone else and we see their eyes back. We see the thanks, we hear the thanks, we we just know what we've done for somebody else. That is really reinforcing for us. And it puts us in the present moment.

SPEAKER_06 0:24

Welcome to the Midweek Motivation Podcast, where we bring practical help for your faith and life. Here's today's episode.

SPEAKER_00 0:30

Hi, guys. My name is Jess, and I'm one of the pastors here at Westside. And this is Nancy, and she is a psychologist and a coach and a friend of mine. And she's joined us to uh get started on uh today's podcast. So nice to see you guys. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:47

Um well, I can't actually see you, but nice to have you back. Um, I've been with you for a while now. Yep. So it's fun to be here with you, Jess.

SPEAKER_00 0:56

So fun. I'm so excited for this conversation. We always have the best talk. So um we are in the middle of this um conversation on serving. And Pastor Steven gave a really amazing talk that maybe came from a little bit of a different perspective of how we see service. And I know that um commonly we think about service as something that we are doing for the benefit of other people. And he came at it from the perspective of what serving does for us. Good, like service, like with the full intention of helping other people is not helping other people, not necessarily for the benefit of us, but we are benefited by it. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 1:37

Absolutely. Well, and I and really thinking about it and thinking about what Steve said, and then going um a step beyond that or in addition to it, um, I started thinking about what we know about psychology of serving. The psychology really, I would say it's almost like a psychology of altruism, because if we think about what is, if we're serving others, we are definitely coming at something with a more selfless approach. Um, so and which is a more altruistic approach, you know, where we're really acting out of the can of a concern for the well-being of others, not out of obligation, but just, you know, I hey, I'm I see a need and I I'm here to help. Um, you know, the the beauty of that, and what I would love to to just have us kind of think through a little bit is is how we can actually use that with what we know about those things that Steve said about how um it actually helps us mentally, physically, emotionally. Um but how we can create not just for ourselves, but for our families, for others, uh an authentic, durable happiness versus a more fluctuating happiness, which is, and when I say happiness, really I I'm not as big a fan of the word happiness as I am contentment. But in this kind of situation, you know, if the research actually uses the word happiness a lot. So I'm just gonna stick with that for right now. But I really go for something a little deeper, which is a real true contentment. Yeah. But but an authentic and durable, durable, long-lasting happiness, um, versus something which is more fluctuating, which in our society, our society right now is so self-focused. And and, you know, kind of what you do you, I do me, um, whatever feels good is right. And what we know is when you are spending that much time self-focused, um it can kind of mirror what what we'd call like a mental rumination. Uh, rumination is a nice way of saying obsessing. Um and and so and a mental rumination um can bring about more fluctuating happiness um and not the authentic, durable happiness that we really want to try to go for. And and so, you know, what do we mean by all that? Well, like Steve said, you know, we do have changes in the brain that we have things that are released. We have neurochemicals in our brain. Okay, our brains are electricity and chemistry. Okay. Messages are sent within neurons by electricity and between neurons by chemistry, neurochemistry, neurobrain chemistry. And those neurotransmitters, neurotransmitting the messages, so neurotransmitters of dopamine and serotonin, he talked about, those are increased. Um, and they are kind of our happiness and well-being chemicals, sure, which is great. Yep. But I would want to go even further to say that like, like not only that, but we can actually over time, if we are stepping outside of ourselves um and helping somebody else. And that doesn't mean you have to be doing these grand gestures. It could be a grand gesture, but it can be giving, you know, it can be opening up the door for somebody who looks like they're struggling. Um, it can be sharing your lunch with somebody at work who forgot theirs. It can be um, you know, sharing money uh with somebody who's in need, sharing your time, giving, I should say, giving your time, not sharing, but giving your time or your money for some uh for people that are in need. Um you know, I have found, and this is just me, but I mean, I you know this because obviously I talk to you all the time, um, that I have found a lot of joy in the work that I do, um, where I'm giving my time for people in need that are within our church community. Uh, but I but I've also, you know, I also find that that makes me want to do it more for the community at large. If you think about, yes, we increase the dopamine in the serotonin, okay. We also are actually, so we're creating, we're actually creating this wonderful loop in the brain. Um it's like a reinforcing loop in the reward centers of our brain. Uh, where when we do a compassionate act, we're actually activating those reward centers, which let has us feeling super positive. Because why? Because if we are lonely, if we're anxious, if we're stressed, if we, you know, but we then go and give something of ourselves to someone else and we see their eyes back. We see the thanks, we hear the thanks, we we just know what we've done for somebody else. That is really reinforcing for us. And it puts us in the present moment. We're not thinking about what hasn't happened or what didn't, uh what I didn't do right, or what do you think they think about me? Oh, you know, because what do we do like from a very young age, about middle school, we start thinking about what what is what do these people think about me? Right. And and that's where we live. Oh gosh, oh, I I think I sounded really stupid. I think I, you know, um, and and we then are very much in our heads. Yep. And the irony of all ironies, just to say about middle school and high school, is that's what everybody else is doing too. Exactly. So they don't really realize that people aren't spending a lot of energy doing that and thinking about you, they're thinking about themselves just like you are. But when we can take, so for instance, take kids out of that frame of mind, whether it is by them seeing us serving others or or helping grandma or having having a job to do that helps the family, um, bringing them to food brigade, being, you know, to someplace where you're helping people who are in need of food uh or other other needs. Um, we actually change the structure and and we can change how they view the world so that you take them outside of a more self-focused frame of mind, and we start helping them to learn, I guess, for lack of a better term, kind of how to create more of a social responsibility, which can shift perspective for years and years to come.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

Yeah. Yeah. Moving out of like a negative cycle into a positive frame of mind cycle. And we have the ability to influence our kids in that way just by teaching them and putting them into a position where they can learn those things on their own and experience them themselves. That's incredible.

SPEAKER_01 9:04

Absolutely. Well, and and and you know, I I watched people here at church who were greeting and who were just doing doing little things, yeah, uh, and big things. Yeah. And and I started doing things like that. So I started, and now I greet 10 o'clock service every week. Yeah. And it because it just it feels good to be that smile or that welcome to people and and it becomes infectious. Yeah. There's something about that that just becomes infectious, and it really does, you know, um, self-transcendence or or like that ability to come outside of ourselves. Uh-huh. And uh, so we transcend the self. Okay. When we do that, we actually know by research, there is a ton, there's quite a bit of research that shows that that self-transcendence is actually in opposition or it's negatively correlated with depression, anxiety, obsessive thoughts and obsessive behaviors, and other neuroses like that. So it is, it is something which is protective of our brains and our and our emotional system and our bodies and our families and our relationships, and and it becomes just this cycle. Again, you get the the it activates those reward centers, it actually opens up a reciprocal or a give and take in a social relationship with somebody else that is so rich that as long as we're looking out, uh-huh, if we're only looking in, we're never gonna know that, we're never gonna feel that. Right. But if we're looking out, it creates that reciprocity that then can foster more and more uh positivity and how we see things and that, and again, so we go for that authentic, durable happiness.

SPEAKER_00 10:59

That makes me think a little bit about um a a couple of things. Um I and correct or redirect me if this isn't where you're going with that, but with this, but um I went to uh the Redwoods, the Redwood Forest last year. I haven't been there. And oh my gosh, it's incredible. It's so beautiful. But um I I was with a friend who was a little bit um uh like nerdy. She nerds out a little bit about um the way that things work. And the redwood forest has um the the redwoods are these ginormous trees. Yeah, and they have this interesting like uh way that they work together in that they their roots like support each other and they link in together. Oh, that's cool. And um that is how um they've become uh so big because over the course of hundreds of thousands of years or whatever, you know, they have um uh supported each other through storms, through all kinds of different uh, you know, natural disasters or whatever to last as long as they have. Right. And they do that because they support each other. And I think that it's it's incredible how God um created us to depend on each other. And I feel like um, as you say this, that's what it it makes me think of the fact that that my lasting um durable um uh happiness or whatever you would call it is intertwined with mine.

SPEAKER_01 12:25

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:26

So even my opening up the door for you and your appreciation of that causes happiness for both. And and then things and well-being.

SPEAKER_01 12:35

Yeah, yeah. Just well-being. I mean, because you know, we we who knows what anybody is walking through life with. Exactly. And and so if we can just be present and remember that we are intertwined, I mean, we're social animals. Yep. So we are not meant to live in isolation and we're not meant to function in isolation. We're meant to function, like you said, where we have that interconnectivity. And and so if we can just see, be in the present, sit, stay outside of of our whatever's kind of going on in life and see others. The other thing we can easily then do is what we end up finding out is that we have a lot more in common with everybody around us. So many times in our society, again, we are so about, you know, getting ahead and making money and and whatever. And that usually has kind of almost a competitive element to it. That isn't about like, you know, it isn't as much about it's not, it's about me winning. Right. And it's not about we winning. Right. And and so if we can get, I love that Redwoods idea. If we can kind of think of, if we interlocked all our roots, yeah, um, we would win. We could create better neighborhoods, we could create um better church environments. I mean, better, because what does a church do? A church, when they get money in, they help other people who are far less able to say, Hey, I need help. Yeah. You know, I know we search for those people that need assistance that aren't feeling like they are good enough, um, able, you know, whatever, to come and say, Can you help me or can I get ahead? Um, when so often there's just a boost that needs to happen in their self-esteem or in their self-concept, or in, or, or hey, let's get you an outfit so you can go on that interview, or just, you know, to see how you can stay connected and and and move all of us into getting ahead.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

Yeah. That's beautiful. I love it so much. Uh, again, it's just like it's a it's so interesting how we can see um just through scripture, which see how that corresponds and correlates in a natural, like in the natural world of today, we can see how those things benefit us. So absolutely so cool to see and to watch.

SPEAKER_01 15:09

Yeah. Well, and and and truly, because we are living in a time that is so focused on um the epidemic of anxiety, loneliness, uh, depression, especially in our young people. Yeah, the more we stay focused on the depression and the anxiety and the oh my gosh of it, we actually in a way reinforce it versus versus stepping outside, pulling them along to say, hey, let's go and do something. Like I said, whether it's in your family or it's in the community, that can pull them outside of themselves enough to even just have a break from that mental rumination. Um, to see that, hey, I, you know, I just helped some, like I just really I served somebody. I helped somebody that doesn't have every advantage that I have or any advantage. And and or maybe it's my pal who does have the same advantages, the same family life, but it's my pal who was really down today. Yeah. And if I can step outside of myself versus going, oh my gosh, I know exactly how you feel, I feel terrible too. And encourage them in that direction. Right. Right. But we can go like, hey, you know, um, then then we can actually make massive steps towards um a healthier perspective, a healthier outlook for one, 10 hundred, a school, a community.

SPEAKER_00 16:49

Uh, and uh legacy, really, if you're talking about uh, you know, the environment that you create, making and letting that influence and impact even the next generation. Yeah, like pendulum swing, right? And mental health. Absolutely, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 17:05

Well, and and and I, and you know, there's people that I definitely know that feel like I don't have anything, I don't have any special gift to give. And I'm talking to you guys, yeah. Um, that I I don't know what I could be offering to anybody. I, you know, and if you especially if you're feeling down or you're feeling compromised in any way, then even more so you go like, oh my gosh, I can't go there because why would they want to talk to me or why, you know, then then choose something. Yeah. Choose something that just puts you in contact with a a doing versus a mental rumination, a mental thinking, just get you outside of your head where you're actively doing something. Yeah. So that you then almost by chance, not by chance, because you're out doing it, but but a secondary benefit is all of a sudden you start making connections with other people that are also there helping. And and I've I've I work with people who will say, like, I don't have any friends. Yeah. And and because I'm not confident, I'm not comfortable, I don't, I don't do that well. Yeah. But when you start, you know, if you go to Habitat for Humanity and you start building a house, because guess what? You can hammer in nails. Yeah. Um, there's gonna, there's gonna be a time when they're gonna stop for lunch. Yeah. And they then you're gonna be talking with people and you find that some people have some connections with you where when you're at home in your room, you feel like nobody understands me. Sure. Nobody really gets the pain that I'm feeling or the, you know, that kind of thing. So there's so much, not only the good that we can do for a community, but the good that we can do for ourselves in serving others.

SPEAKER_00 18:52

Stepping out. I love that idea of because it meant like depression, those types of things, I've struggled with them personally myself. And I love the idea. I'm always looking for like a way to identify something that will trigger a new action in myself. And I love the idea that if you are feeling like you're in that space where you're just, you know, mulling over the same thing for or where you're you're having intrusive thoughts or negativity or whatever, right? Let that be the trigger that says, Oh, that's great. Oh, I'm yeah, I need to just step out. So I'm gonna go out to lunch and oh, hold the door open for somebody. You know what I mean? And that's just as simple as that can completely like flip that over. Yeah, that narrative.

SPEAKER_01 19:38

Well, and and and people can, um, and again, I'm talking to you, people can, you know, go to your neighborhood church. Yeah, ask them what their needs are, uh or see, just go online. You don't even have to do anything more than go online. You can sit in your own house. Um, but the other thing is you can go online to handsonportland.org. I'm pretty sure it's.org. Handsonportland, yeah.com or dot org. I'm pretty sure it's org. And what they have, which is so cool, is they will post one-offs. So, like a lot of people who go, like, oh, I love animals, but I I don't know if I can make a commitment to the humane society for this many days because my work schedule fluctuates or something like that. Or if they go, like, I'd love to do something with my kids, but with their sports schedule or whatever, that I don't know that I can commit to an ongoing. Hands on Portland has things that are a one-off going and donating your time or energy to this cause. Not a cause. It'd be things like um going and serving food at a mission, or it, and I know you can obviously obviously go to a mission anyways, but there will be things like there will be like some sort of a, I don't even know, like a community event. Uh-huh. And they need volunteers to help put it on.

SPEAKER_00 20:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:56

Um, but it's a community event that serves the public, that serves people that are less fortunate than we are. And so it's just cool, a cool way to go in and step in. It's a cool way to bring your kids and sh start showing them the value in coming outside of themselves. I mean, in high schools nowadays, community service is a huge part of what's expected of them. And I see kids ticking off their hours because it's a requirement. And what I would say is see if you can find a way, parents, to do it with them. Yeah. To go and take them out so that they see a true feedback, they get true feedback, they see a true um benefit versus just feeling like, okay, tick that requirement off. Tick that requirement off. I think a lot of kids, once they start doing it, they do see it. But it's just a, it's like an opportunity lost if you're a mom or a dad to go grab your kiddo and have them see you also doing something. Something that's altruistic. Yeah. That isn't through obligation. Now, the one thing I would say though, Jess is people who um so this idea, we can almost put it on a continuum of like more of a self-centered on one end and a um and a selflessness on the other end. Um and those are the extremes. Okay. So if we think of it now just as extreme, okay, not just good selflessness while I'm still taking care of myself. Sure. If you there are times when people will take care of others at the expense of taking care of themselves. And that's like the definition of codependency, okay, which is a selflessness, but it's a selflessness where I'm not really taking care of my own needs. I'm not taking whether it's my physical needs, my emotional needs, my financial means, my social needs, means, uh, uh needs, excuse me. Um, but they're doing it and they kind of get in a loop of being known for that, or or it's a way to hide.

SPEAKER_00 23:02

Yeah. Can be a little self-destructive.

SPEAKER_01 23:04

Yes. Yeah. Because they're not taking care, you know, what we want to get is to a place where we're kind of interdependent, where we're we're taking care of ourselves and we're taking care of others at the same time, whether that's in a relationship or it's in a community, or it's in, you know, the a larger body. Um, so just make sure that, you know, people need to make sure that they're also taking care of themselves while they're taking care of others.

SPEAKER_00 23:29

Yeah. And I I think that that's a valid point. Uh and I know that there are a lot of reasons why people lean into those things, whether it be um codependency or extreme independence. Yeah. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 23:44

Um, but like the taking care of myself at the expense of everyone else. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that can come some. It's funny because I always I will often say, and I apologize, I'll come back. No, um, I will often say, if you have lived in more of a codependent kind of place, and sometimes you sometimes if you're an adult, sometimes you have because you grew up where that was kind of brewed in you and where you're taking care of, you know, whether you live in grew up in an alcoholic family or, you know, whatever. Um, if that's been kind of brewed into your existence, then um, but you want to get to like that center interdependent kind of place. How do you know where center is if you don't go to the other end?

SPEAKER_00 24:27

Oh, that's interesting. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 24:29

Because how can you know this is where interdependence is if I haven't actually, I don't know where the spectrum ends. So, and I'm not saying you want to live there because you definitely don't. You don't want to live on either end of the spectrum where I'm taking care of others at the expense of myself or taking care of myself at the expense of others. So, but if you have never experienced, sometimes you shift over to a place of needing to take care of me and hey, you y'all are gonna just need to wait for a little while, but you don't, you don't want to live there. Right. You don't want to go, oh, I kind of like this. And then because what happens then is you just start neglecting yeah, other parts of your being and the world around you. Yeah, yeah. And and we have that collective. If we've got roots, that's like one tree going, Hey, I'm out. I got other people, I'm doing something else. And the other trees go, um, if you pull out, I'm, you know, we I had three trees uh in an old house of mine, three huge trees. And the middle one during a windstorm went went over. And the other two had to go too because they're because their roots were interconnected. Wow. And so they they had to all be taken because the other two would die. Yeah. So if it you know, so we don't want to do that either. We want to interest it. We I I just love that idea of keeping keeping that visual of our roots are connected.

SPEAKER_00 25:50

Wow, that's so incredible. I think that if we look in scripture too, we'll see that that's the way that God intended it to be. Like um uh the greatest commandment of all, right? Is to love God first and then love others as you would love yourself. And that is that picture of caring for and loving other people just as you would have yourself cared for and loved. So that's that same, that same idea.

SPEAKER_01 26:15

So well, and as I've said on I've said on other podcasts with Gabe, um I try every day to live more Christ-like. Yeah. And really, you know, if it, if you're somebody, if you're somebody who's new to Christ or if you're somebody who's just entertaining the thought of faith, um, it it to me, you know, what does it mean to live more Christ-like every day? It's to be loving, it's to live with um a a forgiveness in your heart and um just a uh an abounding love for others and for the communities we live in and everything. And so if you can do that uh with kindness and generosity of spirit, generosity of time, generosity of money, then how is life not gonna be just golden?

SPEAKER_00 27:00

Yeah, that's awesome. I love durable, the that idea of durable happiness instead of fluctuating, it's fluctuating happiness. That's awesome. Yeah. Well, um, I would say that there are some amazing opportunities to get this um off the ground for you if you're um interested in in the Portland area. We've got the local or our uh uh churches doing Good Neighbor Project and we partner with other churches and other organizations. And and so if you haven't had a chance to check out the Good Neighbor Project to get involved in some of these things, definitely check it out. Um, and it will be linked um here so that you can do that. Um, Nancy, thank you so much for your time and um for sharing all of your wisdom. I love it so much, and yours. Take care. Bye-bye.

SPEAKER_06 27:47

We hope you enjoyed this episode of Midweek Motivation. To make sure you don't miss any content in the future, please subscribe, share. And if you enjoyed this, give us a like and consider popping by a Westside service some weekend. You can find out more at Westside Community Church.com.