Cindy Thompson - A Resilience Project Podcast
Building Resilience Among Humans One Conversation At A Time
EP83: Carrie Scollon – Start Somewhere
Cindy Thompson: Hello, friends. I am Cindy Thompson, and this is ‘A Resilience Project.’ This is a space where stories are shared and possibilities are discovered. I invite you to partner with me in cultivating resilience among humans, one conversation at a time.
Imagine you are at a social function, and a good friend introduces you to someone for the first time. They then leave you to get to know one another. Within the first few minutes, what is one of the most common questions you might ask? What is one way you learn more about that person?
One of the natural social constructs we use in life to identify "who" we are, is based on what we Do. We might start with our job, roles, or hobbies. My husband and I have been intentionally trying to change this in our approach to meeting people. It is possible to have a vibrant and engaging conversation with someone, walk away, and have no idea what they might do for employment. It forces you to get creative in your questions and helps others be seen for who they are.
A Second piece is a struggle that can occur when our role or title changes over time. Do you define yourself by that role? What if we have various interests and dreams separate from our title? And in what way does this describe who we are? It doesn't!
When you first meet someone, this question, what do you do can lead to all kinds of responses laden with feelings, expectations, and maybe even some judgment. If we are being honest.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Having met hundreds of people over the years, it is not uncommon for some of my clients to struggle with their identity when they no longer work at a particular job, when our kids leave home and are no longer as dependent on us, or when we retire.
This week my good friend Carrie Scollon is here to share her perspective on realizing your gifts, finding your purpose, and recognizing your value. Carrie has been on a fantastic journey to understand who she is outside of being a mom. Having wrestled with identifying her purpose outside of her role as a wife and mother. That question: what do you do?... led to significant discomfort and self-doubt. Not anymore!
Having offered programs like “Just A Mom” or hosting the FoundHer Series on Winwinwomen, Carrie is on fire for supporting individuals to create the life they desire. If you feel as though are not enough, have a negative story you carry like an overstuffed backpack, this episode is for you! Carrie is one of those people who makes you feel at home from the first moment you meet her. She inspires me every time I talk to her, and I have no doubt you will come away from this conversation with a new lens on psychological resilience and growing a healthy mindset. She is a friend and definitely someone you will want to hang with. I am honored to have Carrie join us and share her resilience practices.
Here is my conversation with Carrie…
Cindy Thompson: Carrie, thank you so much for being here today, sharing some of your space, and joining me in conversation on 'A Resilience Project.'
Carrie Scollon: Oh wow. Thank you so much for having me. I feel absolutely honoured to be asked to be one of your guests on your show. I think it's amazing what you're doing. It touches my heart. I love sharing stories.
Cindy Thompson: Thank you. I am so honoured myself because I have been meeting some amazing people from all over the world, but sometimes the people you need to talk to are right next door. It's been really an honour to get to know you and to witness your journey that you've been on, which is pretty exciting to see that transformation that's happening because I feel it's relatable.
Cindy Thompson: Your story is something that several people will have experienced in some way, and I think that we can unpack that today and help some other people.
Carrie Scollon: Sounds great. I am all in for helping somebody who might resonate with my story.
Cindy Thompson: That's awesome. Carrie, where did you start to notice that you were having, and I've got your permission to call it a bit of an identity crisis.
Carrie Scollon: Yes.
Cindy Thompson: A lot of women might go through a phase in life where they go, okay, now what? Who am I? I've dedicated 17, 18, 20 years to this family or to a certain stage in life.
Cindy Thompson: And then they wonder, okay, now what?
Carrie Scollon: I think you're so busy in those years. I just never really took the time to look into that, and when I started to, I got a bit scared. The fear held me back from digging in a little bit deeper. And then everything calmed down, and I had more time, and it was time to face it. I saw things changing, and I knew I needed to really dive into probably the biggest question I've had as far back as I can remember is what am I here for? What's my purpose? I could never answer that question. It was something that I craved to know that answer to. The older you get, the more, I don't know if you'd call it wisdom, the more experiences you have and you look back and go, I realized that I was in my purpose in every phase of my life. That your purpose isn't one thing. It changes, it evolves, it grows, and that just gave me some relief when I finally accepted that I was living my purpose when I was staying at home with my girls at that time. That was my purpose,
Cindy Thompson: Mm-hmm.
Carrie Scollon: I didn't recognize it back then, and I didn't think it was enough. That was not enough for me.
Carrie Scollon: I started to really look at that when my husband and I made the decision for me to stay at home with the girls, and there was a piece of me that felt very grateful that we had the choice to do that. There was also a part of me that felt a bit resentful because he was growing and learning, and his life kept elevating where I felt mine was staying Still. I missed that. I worked full-time since I graduated high school. With working full-time, you get to be acknowledged for your accomplishments and what you're doing, and I've really, really missed that. Is this it for me? And then feeling guilty for feeling that way because I was at home and I should not feel that way. It wasn't something that I wanted to complain about, but there was a yearning. There was a yearning that I had to be more really.
Cindy Thompson: Hmm. Where did you first notice that?
Carrie Scollon: My role became getting us settled because my husband got transferred around a lot.
Carrie Scollon: When we moved. It was my job to get the house settled, get the kids in school, get them settled, meet some friends, and then everything would calm down. I'd get everybody where they needed to be. And okay. Hmm. So that's interesting. And I thought, okay, I'm gonna go back to work when my youngest is in grade one.
Carrie Scollon: I'm gonna go back to work because I need that. Then she was graduating high school, and I thought I should probably really look at that again. Getting back out into the workforce. But along with that came a lot of insecurity, A lot of, oh my goodness, I can't even imagine going back. That's where the not-enoughness really, really to me shines a light on not feeling enough.
Cindy Thompson: Hmm.
Carrie Scollon: in all the areas of my life.
Carrie Scollon: It came to a head where you have one little insecurity of, I'm not enough in that area, and then it just seems to grow. And that took me down not a very happy road.
Cindy Thompson: I bet, Carrie. Do you think it was just driven by you internally, or do you feel that there is the pressure when people ask, what do you do to say, I'm a mom? This is my job, and to really own it and feel good about that when people sometimes feel judged.
Carrie Scollon: Yeah, absolutely. I did a lot of things with my husband going to events and going to fundraisers. That was the first question people asked me. And I can tell you, it made me shrink. It made me feel that I wasn't worth what other people who worked outside of the home. And I felt embarrassed by that. I felt embarrassed that I would say that I was just a mom. And that's what I said. I'm like, no, I'm just a mom. I look at other moms, and I have so much admiration, but I think I compared and judged myself against those other mothers who loved being at home and loved doing all that stuff where I just wasn't me.
Carrie Scollon: I did the best I could, but I always had in the back of my mind that I'm not even a good enough mother.
Cindy Thompson: Hmm.
Carrie Scollon: Because I'm not enjoying this. I should be enjoying this more. I should be taking in these moments. And to me, it was just, I just got through my day, and there were some days where feeding them and that was all I had to give.
Cindy Thompson: Yeah. Fair enough. And I wanna be clear because what we're talking about here is your inner dialogue, the way that you felt in that experience. And in no way are we in this conversation judging moms who are staying home and making that decision to be with their kiddo.
Carrie Scollon: Oh, a hundred percent. Yeah.
Cindy Thompson: Really, I wanted to draw out how we might feel societal pressures to define ourselves by our career or what we are doing rather than who we are.
Cindy Thompson: Who we are. I just wanted to land on that to be really clear on that because this is where your story began to say, okay, what is my calling here? What am I meant to be here for? And you're right; that season you were in, raising your three girls was one of the most important jobs you could have ever done.
Carrie Scollon: Yes. I didn't realize that at the time.
Cindy Thompson: Yes.
Carrie Scollon: I did not realize that at the time when I was in it.
Cindy Thompson: Now they're all adults. You get to see the rewards of that time invested, but when you're in the thick of it, day to day, in the monotony of raising a family, it can feel that way. It can feel not very rewarding when you're dealing with conflicts with the kids or making another dinner, or dealing with school issues.
Cindy Thompson: Those are all things that are investments of time, but you don't always get to see the results; it's like a very slow-growing tree.
Carrie Scollon: Oh my goodness. For sure. And that's parenting in general. You don't know how things are gonna end up. You're going in blind. I have so much respect for women on both sides of it. The ones that stay at home and the ones that go to work. I think there's guilt on both sides in some respect, and I think we can work really well and support each other.
Carrie Scollon: That's how I felt. No one ever said those things to me. That was all my own judgment. There was nothing that anybody ever did or said to make me feel that way. That was my own, absolutely my own peace. And like I said, I looked at some stay-at-home moms, and they loved it, and I just thought, I wish I was more like you.
Cindy Thompson: Hmm.
Carrie Scollon: So it works both ways.
Cindy Thompson: You're right. I'm glad you mentioned that. The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence.
Carrie Scollon: Yes. Yeah.
Cindy Thompson: You had this time and season in your life where you were going, okay, yeah, but now what? What does this look like? And your confidence was not there. You doubted yourself in several ways.
Cindy Thompson: Where did you start to move forward and take some steps out of your comfort zone?
Carrie Scollon: I think a long time before I actually did anything about it, but I remember it was in my kitchen, and I thought there's got to be other moms that feel this way. For me to use that phrase, just a mom, I came up with jam sessions. I'm like, just a mom jam, jam sessions. I could really do something with that.
Carrie Scollon: J A M also was my dad's initials, so there was just something about that. It just came to me. I'm like, I'm just gonna sit with that for a bit. It took probably six years after that for me to do anything. But a seed was planted that, Hmm, maybe I'm not alone in feeling like this. And that guilt, the guilt as a mom or woman, it was like I had other things that I needed to think about to do to be there for. It was a seed planted.
Carrie Scollon: And then about six years later, I thought, Hmm, I'm gonna just get a group of women together and see what they think of this idea of just starting a jam session where women come together, and it's not just to complain. It wasn't that. It was about building something that we could grow from, and that's where Jam Sessions started, and I've never looked back.
Carrie Scollon: It's changed, it's evolved, it's grown, but so have I.
Cindy Thompson: And that's the goal. We are always de-evolving, but it's when we step out of our comfort zone and start to take some steps forward, even in your little study group, to say, yeah, this is resonating with people. Okay, so this means I might have to do something with this.
Carrie Scollon: Right?
Cindy Thompson: Even though it's not comfortable but to do it anyway, that's courage.
Cindy Thompson: What I recall is you would just hop on Facebook, and you would walk and talk. You would just be talking about a book you'd been reading, and you'd talk about something you'd been learning about or just reflecting on while you're out walking your dog. And that really picked up an audience of people that were you.
Carrie Scollon: It did. I had no idea. I think what I love about what I do is I honestly have no expectations. I put it out there if it resonates with one person. That's my goal. One person. I've always said that. One person, if this can help or enable them to see something from a different perspective, that's it. I put no pressure on myself.
Carrie Scollon: That way, I would walk with my toque on, maybe even some makeup leftover from the night before. I would walk my dog. I would just talk. It resonated with enough people that I got the feedback of, I love your talks. I love what you said. And nothing was ever scripted. Nothing was ever, Hmm, I'm gonna go out there and talk about this today.
Carrie Scollon: I would go out there and walk, and then if something came to me, I would just turn the video camera on, and it seemed to strike a chord with some people.
Carrie Scollon: That just started to fill me.
Cindy Thompson: Mm-hmm.
Carrie Scollon: I felt good doing it, whether it attracted people or not. It was just my way of checking in with myself, really practicing that, being in the moment, because that's all I had at that time, I was there, and I was just trying to be grounded in what I was actually feeling and going through.
Cindy Thompson: Mm-hmm. Sometimes in those places where we find our gifts, I remember looking at it with awe that you would just be so honest, transparent, and real in the moment, not trying to be anybody else than just carry in that moment. That's what I think people are looking for. We're all striving for real. With so much out there on social media, we don't know what's real.
Cindy Thompson: It might be a snapshot of somebody's life, and it may be doctored up to make it look super awesome, but it doesn't paint the whole picture. Your real candid conversations that you were just putting out there, I think that's what resonated with people is that you're just being honest and sharing what you're learning.
Carrie Scollon: Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, I didn't know how to be any other way than that because I wasn't looking for outside validation. Like I said, I had no expectations of it. It was just, I'm gonna do it and see what happens. If nothing happened, I would've been fine with that too.
Cindy Thompson: Yes. Awesome. That's so good. How did that then transform, because it started with just a mom group. Walk us through that because how has it been evolving?
Carrie Scollon: It started as just a mom. I had the session where I just got women that I knew but from all different stages. I had friends that I'd known since I was ten years old. I had a friend that I had just met probably a month before that because I wanted to share my story to see if it resonated with enough different ages and people who didn't know me, people who knew me because I wanted really honest feedback.
Carrie Scollon: Do they think this is something that women would want? And the feedback was, yeah, we need this. I am all about listening to people's stories. I love hearing people's stories. We all have one. Most of us think ours isn't interesting enough to share. I love pulling that out of people. So I thought, if I'm going to do that, I need to share my own story.
Carrie Scollon: I decided to host. I think we had 20 women the first time, and we did an overnight thing, and I shared my story, and I shared how I didn't feel like I was enough in all areas of my life. I didn't feel like I was a good enough mother, wife, sister, daughter, or friend. That's how I felt. And going into my forties, getting closer now to my fifties, I'm done feeling this way, and I need to make some changes and really show myself compassion and find out why I was feeling that way and what could I do about it.
Carrie Scollon: I knew that nearing 50, I was not going to take this into the next half of my life. That was my goal. So Jam Sessions was formed. I did a retreat. I sold out, and then I started just hosting things on Facebook. I had speakers come in like you to share because I don't believe that there's competition when it comes to helping people.
Carrie Scollon: I believe if I can bring somebody into my community that can share their story, that may touch one other person, that is what I'm all about. So that's what I started to do. I started to pull people in, and then they started to share, and I shared my story, and people resonated with that. They're like, I felt like that too.
Cindy Thompson: Hmm.
Carrie Scollon: You're not alone. You are not alone. And this next half of our life, I wanna make it the best possible that I can. And I wanna be a role model for my girls. I want them to learn these things a lot sooner than I did. They're my driving force. They're my why behind everything I do.
Cindy Thompson: Hmm.
Carrie Scollon: My husband, my family, my friends, I've got support everywhere I turn, there's support. I was out walking one day, and I'm like, Hey, I'm gonna start a little company. What am I gonna call myself? What's it gonna be? I'm like, no, I think I'm gonna be the founder. And then Found Her came to me. That was crazy, but how did I not think of that?
Carrie Scollon: So the Found Her series was born from that, and that's where I am now. I can tell you that I've got a full heart.
Cindy Thompson: I bet.
Carrie Scollon: My goal is to feel whole. To feel enough to feel worthy, and that's what I help women with now.
Cindy Thompson: You know what's coming to mind, Carrie, is when you started the JAM sessions, I can't help thinking that it was also serving you as you met with those moms; you found yourself in each of those women who could relate that you weren't in isolation in this journey, that it normalized what you were experiencing perhaps, and you also got to maybe do some healing.
Cindy Thompson: And I can't help wondering if, through that jam session period, you got ready for your fifties and were now ready to transform that story.
Carrie Scollon: Oh, absolutely, absolutely. The sharing of my story was all part of my healing process. To acknowledge it. To accept it. Forgiveness was a piece of that. Yeah. I credit them to my journey. I credit those women who allowed me to share to heal during that process. And then to share what I learned through that and to know that I wasn't alone was huge.
Carrie Scollon: And it really cemented in the fact that I can have a different way of being. I can be that person going into my fifties. I want to be my mantra I am love. I am love. That is it. If there's ever a doubt in my mind, I go back to that. If I'm going into a situation where I think I'm gonna be uncomfortable, I go in knowing that all I have to do is be love.
Carrie Scollon: That's it. That grounds me every time. It's a beautiful mantra to have. I'm so grateful that I found that.
Cindy Thompson: Yeah, that's your values that you can trust. You just go back to that foundation, and how you show up in those moments with anybody is with that genuine essence of just wanting to be loved and to offer that to people, which is what we all need.
Carrie Scollon: Yeah. We are all worthy.
Carrie Scollon: We are all deserving, and we are all love. When it gets down to the core of who we are, that's who that is love. And I think we make it harder than it is, and we complicate it, and we get overwhelmed by it. And so for me, that word just brings me right back.
Carrie Scollon: That's all this boils down to. That's it. That one word to me is everything. That's what I practice every day. I'm not at every moment, but I practice. And I practice, and that's what I try to guide women through is it's all a practice.
Cindy Thompson: It is. It's a daily practice, isn't it? Because it's so hard not to get sucked into that rabbit hole of comparison. Then that's where we lose sight of who we are and just focusing on our path rather than that of somebody else's path that they're on. They're just walking through their life. Tell me the essence of the founder series now and what you are excited about, what that's bringing you and how it's showing up.
Carrie Scollon: We decided to move to Calgary, and I said to Greg, when I look back at this year, I wanna be able to say, I can't believe I did that. I didn't know what that was gonna be. I'm very open to opportunities. Somebody reached out to me and said, look, there's this thing called the Win-Win Women Network. They want it to be worldwide with speakers.
Carrie Scollon: I've seen what you do on your Facebook Live, and I think you'd be a really amazing fit. And I'm like, what is that? I had no idea what it was. And it's on Amazon Fire and Roku. All of those insecurities came flooding back, and I've learned to recognize when those come, it doesn't paralyze me anymore. Oh, that's the story that I used to have playing in my head.
Carrie Scollon: And I looked at Greg, and I think I'm gonna do it. He's like, do it. You should. So I signed up, and I was like, okay, now what am I gonna do? I have to be on live every Wednesday at 10:00 AM Pacific. I got to show up. That's consistent. A lot of my stuff is show up when I feel like it. I show up when I'm inspired.
Carrie Scollon: If I go for a walk and I feel like talking, I do. Well, this is gonna be a big challenge for me. My whole premise behind the founder series was really about sharing information, just sharing. And if it was sharing other speakers, I'm all about collaboration. I learned something from somebody or reading something; I wanna share it.
Carrie Scollon: That's what I started to do. And like you said, it's amazing how many people we're surrounded by that are really inspirational people
, and they have stories. And so I just started to make a list. Who would I like to have on there? Who do I think would come on there? And then, one by one, I would ask people, I would love for you to be a guest.
Carrie Scollon: I've had not one person say no. I mean, the response has been incredible, and it's just a chance to share the story and have a conversation, and there's always a nugget in every single one that I've done. There's always a nugget to take out of it. It's about feeling fulfilled.
Cindy Thompson: Hmm.
Carrie Scollon: That fills my heart up so much.
Carrie Scollon: Hosting the retreats fill me up. I love to watch other women expand, even for a moment, just believe that they're worthy.
Carrie Scollon: and it's about creating the life that they desire and that they so deserve. And we're just not willing to allow ourselves to feel that way. And I'm like, yeah, we can open that heart up and let's go.
Carrie Scollon: I am so excited to take people on that journey, and I think by sharing all these amazing speakers, they're gonna resonate with somebody.
Cindy Thompson: That's well said. And I'm curious, what have you been discovering about yourself even in doing the founder series?
Carrie Scollon: I have found that there are so many incredible women willing to share. I have found that I love showing up consistently. I've also found that I have no stress I
Cindy Thompson: Hmm.
Carrie Scollon: do it again because I have no expectations of myself. I try to look okay because I know what's going on on tv, but I'm me, and sometimes I cross my legs, and I just get right into the conversation because I'm just so excited to be there.
Carrie Scollon: The only pressure I put on myself is showing up.
Cindy Thompson: Mm.
Carrie Scollon: I just need to show up, and whatever happens will happen.
Cindy Thompson: That in itself is a beautiful message. How do we all just show up today in some form, and if that is all we have to do is just show up, what gifts might we discover or what benefits might others get from that just by being there and being in that moment?
Carrie Scollon: You are enough in that moment. That is the words I use at the end of every show is, you are more than enough, as is whatever that is for you today. In this moment, you're enough. It doesn't matter if it meant you just getting out of bed, that's enough for today.
Cindy Thompson: Mm.
Carrie Scollon: We tend to shame ourselves and guilt ourselves, and we should be doing more.
Carrie Scollon: Well, you know what? There were days where I just needed to show up, and that day was enough for me, and I'm still enough, and every single person listening to this is enough.
Cindy Thompson: Mm,
Carrie Scollon: Where they're at right now in this moment. I just want them all to know that they are enough.
Cindy Thompson: Mm-hmm.
Carrie Scollon: They need to show up and really show up for themselves.
Carrie Scollon: I show up for myself. That's the promise I make to myself. Is Carrie, just show up and whatever happens, just be there.
Cindy Thompson: That's a beautiful mantra because so often we're defining ourselves by how much we got done in a day, whether we got that laundry folded, or whether we got the kids bathed, or whether we cooked a healthy meal and often beat ourselves up for what we didn't do. And yet each day, no matter what we've done, we are already rocking it.
Cindy Thompson: We are already plenty just for yourself, and that's all that you need.
Carrie Scollon: Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. We are so hard on ourselves. We are so hard on ourselves just as a culture, as a community, and we need to look at ourselves and give ourselves that validation. I think that was another really important piece that I learned going into my fifties was I am not responsible for anybody else's happiness except my own.
Cindy Thompson: Hmm.
Carrie Scollon: That was a light bulb moment, if you wanna call it, because I took that on a lot and I also expected other people to make me happy.
Cindy Thompson: Ah, yes.
Carrie Scollon: I didn't realize that, but that was an expectation I had on my kids, my husband; they needed to make me happy.
Carrie Scollon: If they weren't happy, I wasn't happy. Wow. What if we all take responsibility just for making ourselves happy?
Carrie Scollon: Can you imagine what this world would be like if we all took responsibility just for that to focus on what makes me happy?
Cindy Thompson: Right.
Carrie Scollon: It was huge. And when I think of my girls, make yourself happy. And when you find a partner, have them find their happiness too. Because when you can both come together responsible for your own happiness, oh my goodness, the world will be a different place.
Cindy Thompson: Hmm. So good. I really hope to inspire people listening to your story, Carrie, because they might have a spark, something that's niggling inside of them that they have been thinking about. Just like that first idea in your kitchen, even if it took a while for it to come to fruition. I want people to also hear that you carved out space to make this happen.
Cindy Thompson: It just didn't happen overnight. There's been many steps to this that you can see that we're building blocks to getting where you are now. And when you say yes, you just figure out how to do it later. I love your story about 2020 when you're at home with your kids. You were carving out space every day, but you needed to let people know what you needed, and I think that's an important piece of your story that you were sharing with me because if we don't let people around us know what we're preparing for, what's important to us, they will expect us to show up in the same way we always have.
Carrie Scollon: Absolutely. I've learned a lot of lessons.
Cindy Thompson: Bet. I bet!
Carrie Scollon: This one for sure was we need to give people more credit around us. Most of us are willing to support anybody if they ask us or if they're clear about what they want. Or what they're expecting. 2020. Everybody was home. I was just really getting into all of my stuff.
Carrie Scollon: I had my little space set up in my bedroom with my computer. I'd never had a laptop computer before. Okay, I'm here. I've arrived!
Cindy Thompson: This is real.
Carrie Scollon: Yeah, this is real. Now I gotta do something with it. And the house just went on as normal. Everybody was here. They're everything. Mom, where are the socks?
Carrie Scollon: How do you cook an egg? And it was constant. And I found myself getting really frustrated, and that word resentful came up, and I thought, I gotta lay some ground rules down here. So I got 'em all together, and I said, look, guys, I'm getting frustrated, and I don't like feeling this way. Feel like I'm coming across as really nasty.
Carrie Scollon: I didn't like how I felt because of it. And I said, I need you guys to give me from nine till one, let me work on my stuff from nine to one. If that door's closed, please don't interrupt me. But they weren't used to a mom working. So this was a big thing for them too. I was available 24/7. They knew nothing different.
Carrie Scollon: I said, from nine to one, can you just let me have that time? And then after one o'clock, I'm all yours. Whatever it is, we want to do. Amazing. No one even knocked on my door. I just needed to be clear on what I wanted.
Carrie Scollon: Everybody was just, yeah, we'll support that. Yeah, sure. Mom, why don't you say something earlier?
Carrie Scollon: I didn't even realize what was happening, and then I became aware of it. I was starting to get cranky, and that did not feel right with me, and I thought, I'm just gonna ask him for what I need. And we have a hard time doing that.
Cindy Thompson: That would be new for you and for them. I often talk about when we change things in our family system, and when one person starts to change like you were, the whole system has to adapt and move. It's like a mobile on the ceiling. If you touch one part of the mobile, the whole system has to move, and there's sometimes a bit of a storming period until we figure out what that's gonna look like and arrive at a new normal.
Cindy Thompson: When we start speaking up, when we start advocating for ourselves, that might be different. It might feel scratchy to the family. They might go, what the heck's going on? Why are you different? It's preparing the people around us for this transformation or this journey that we're on. We may not always know where it's going, but I love that you could communicate that clearly to them, Carrie, and allow them the opportunity to support you.
Carrie Scollon: Yes. And I think that's what they got out of it. They were supporting mom, and they took pride in that. There was something that they felt they were helping me, and they were.
Cindy Thompson: Mm-hmm.
Carrie Scollon: It was giving other people around us the opportunity to show up. I'm honoured when somebody asks me for help. I do the best I can to help.
Carrie Scollon: There are times when I can't, and I'm getting more comfortable with, that's not gonna work for me this time, but maybe next time and the confidence in myself to know that it's gonna be okay if I say no. There may be disappointment on the other side, but that's okay. They'll get through it just like I'm getting through it.
Carrie Scollon: Like I said, my girls are my why, so they make it easier for me to set these boundaries because I know they're gonna love me, and they know I'm gonna love them. And it might not feel really good in that moment, but they'll come back two months later and go, oh yeah, you know what? I said no to something.
Cindy Thompson: Celebrating.
Carrie Scollon: Yes. That's building up that belief in yourself that you're okay. It's okay. I've always told them the biggest thing that you need to realize is the only person you have to worry about disappointing is yourself.
Cindy Thompson: Hmm.
Carrie Scollon: Make sure you're not disappointing yourself, and if you do, learn from it.
Cindy Thompson: When we look after ourselves and show up for ourselves, then we can be more available to others. We're not feeling depleted and resentful. We actually feel whole, and then we have more to offer our family or our partners, or even at our work, whatever we might be doing. The fact that you are looking after yourself and feeling full in what you are doing here and your purpose.
Cindy Thompson: That allows you to then support others to put on these amazing retreats, which we just had at the end of October. I felt honoured to be at that retreat, and I'm gonna tell you, Carrie really spoils you with all kinds of amazing food, house coat in your room, little special gifts each day. It's quite an opportunity to gather and support one another, so the fact that you look after yourself allows you to then pour into others and provide that venue.
Carrie Scollon: Yes, and that was something that I had to learn. I did the odd little self-care things when the kids were little. I have one girl's weekend that I go on every year. It's with six of my high school friends. That was a non-negotiable for me. That was my self-care weekend once a year that; nothing would've stopped me from being there.
Carrie Scollon: Whether the kids were tiny, it didn't matter. I was going. So some of those things are non-negotiables. I think that's something that we really need to take a look at is what is something that's non-negotiable for you? I've learned to really enjoy the practice of meditation. It's just a stillness. It's just a calmness. It's just a quieting.
Carrie Scollon: That's really helped me just get grounded. I'm not an hour meditator. I am more of a, I just want to sit quietly, and I'll just light a candle. It does something to me to just calm my entire nervous system, and I journal. Gratitude is my number one self-care practice.
Cindy Thompson: Perfect timing. I was just gonna ask, what kind of resilience practices have you incorporated into your life?
Carrie Scollon: So gratitude for sure. That's really throughout the day. I'm very aware of my surroundings. I'm grateful for the fresh air. I'm grateful for the sunshine. I look for things all the time that I can be grateful for. The other one, I would say is my alone time.
Cindy Thompson: Hmm.
Carrie Scollon: I always felt guilty about taking alone time, and now it's something that I know I need.
Carrie Scollon: I think I'm an extrovert for the most part, but there are times when I need to recharge, and that's being alone. That was also communication with my husband because a lot of times people around us when we say we just want to be alone, they take offense to that, or they take it personally.
Carrie Scollon: It's nothing to do with you. I just wanna be by
Cindy Thompson: myself.
Cindy Thompson: Mm-hmm.
Carrie Scollon: Please honour that. I'm not trying to make anybody upset. I'm just doing what I know is right for me. That fills me up and lets me be creative and think of new things, and that's being alone.
Carrie Scollon: And not feeling guilty about doing that.
Cindy Thompson: Love that.
Carrie Scollon: Yeah, it's something that I think a lot of us have a hard time admitting that we need and really a hard time asking for it.
Cindy Thompson: Mm-hmm.
Carrie Scollon: It's important.
Cindy Thompson: Love that. I do think the way we look at things, which is part of the gratitude, looking for the good that's happening each day, but also keeping a healthy mindset that is open. One that is open to possibilities, but also trusting that you can get through anything. And I'm looking at the transformation and this journey you've been on, and it's so rewarding to be a fan and celebrate with you, Carrie, as you really have come into honoring the gifts you were already given long, long ago, when you were born, and to really be able to celebrate those in this season of your life and really rock it.
Carrie Scollon: Ah thank you. I believe the same as you, that we are born with gifts. They just get covered a little bit more. The older we get, something else comes on top. But there came a point where I came to where I needed to peel back some of that, and that was actually asking others, what do you think my gift is?
Carrie Scollon: I don't know what I'm good at. I don't know what my strengths are because sometimes we just can't see it for ourselves. And if you've got somebody that you can ask, what's the best thing that you like about me? Why do you like being around? What do I bring to you? And it's a vulnerable question, but it at least opens the door for us to maybe see something that we can't see for ourselves. Honestly, I was asked that question, describe yourself in three words.
Carrie Scollon: And I remember sitting there going, I don't even know
. I can't even describe myself in three words. I had lost sight of who I was, and I really needed to build that back up. And sometimes we need somebody to help us with that. And I had girlfriends that were willing to help me with that, and my parents and got lots of sisters and a brother and husband.
Carrie Scollon: It's embarrassing to ask that question.
Carrie Scollon: We should know that. But you know what, a lot of us don't know that.
Cindy Thompson: That's why the title of your current platform that you have is titled Found HER. So I just wanted to distinguish that with capital H E R, and that's really what we've been talking about, is getting in touch with who we are. Not what we do, but really drawing on those strengths. And I love that you've been discovering those and continuing to build on them.
Cindy Thompson: Carrie, I can't wait to see where you go with this. I don't think this is it. I think you got more in you, and I'm excited to see where it takes you.
Carrie Scollon: It is my mission. It is my passion to help other women and men. I never say the men, but I'd be willing to help them too, to know the possibilities are there. There is that saying, if you can dream it, it's achievable because we are not given dreams that we can't achieve, and to open that up and know that they are worthy of everything and they are deserving, and they can have all they desire, but it takes some work.
Carrie Scollon: It's not just gonna come to you. It takes work, and I'm all in for it.
Cindy Thompson: Love that. Keep it up, girl. I love what you're doing, and thank you again for taking some time just to share some of your insights, your wisdom from your journey and what you've been discovering as you reach out and support others and build that community. So thank you, Carrie.
Carrie Scollon: Thank you, Cindy, for having me. It's been an honour.
Cindy Thompson: It has been my pleasure.
Cindy Thompson: If there is a theme for this episode, it is that you are already enough! This is easy for us to say, but I hope that, like Carrie, each of you will carry this forward and integrate this new perspective into your daily practice. Carrie describes a journey that did not come together overnight. Please do not wait until you face a significant life change before they learn to discover their passions, believe in your value, and take steps to grow your resilience in this way.
I love the idea of just starting somewhere.
I want to draw out some of the nuggets from my conversation with Carrie. She has developed so many remarkable resilience practices that I want to capture them for you.
- First of all, Self-compassion is self-care. Changing your mindset to one that allows you to choose the story you carry forward.
- Having a mantra helps ground you and brings you back to the center. For Carrie, that is the Mantra that she is LOVE.
- Like several guests, Carrie relies on meditation to calm her nervous system.
- Journaling and a gratitude practice keep her sights on what is good in her day.
- Just show up today
- Remember, you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness
- Ask for what you need
- It is ok to say no
Start somewhere, even if you choose one of these practices to experiment with.
Here are a couple of questions I would like to leave you with
1. If you notice that you have a negative story or belief about yourself, I invite you to ask 2 family members and at least two friends to share their perspectives of what they appreciate about you. How would they describe you?
2. This next question has 3 parts:
As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
What stopped you or led you to change your mind?
What was it about that initial dream that meant something to you?
Thank you for being here and helping us cultivate resilience worldwide. If you have enjoyed this podcast, please rate and comment on your preferred podcast platform. Or share it with a friend!
And remember, friends, adversity is inevitable, while resilience is a practice.
Cindy Thompson: Thank you for listening to this episode of ‘A Resilience Project.’ We would not be doing this podcast without you. If you or someone you know has an inspirational story or is helping to build resilience in their community, please e-mail me at cindy@aresilienceproject.com. In fact, e-mail me either way. I would love to hear from you. My hope is to feature an episode periodically on your letters of resilience. I'm very interested in hearing your story of how you have tackled hard things and what worked for you. With your permission, I hope to share some of these stories along the way with our listeners. Also, check out my website, aresilienceproject.com to learn more about our amazing guests.
Your presence here is important because together we are cultivating a village of resilient individuals. You are creating a space for their stories to be shared and a sacred space for learning to occur. I also have a favor - I would love for you to go to your preferred podcast platform, rate and review the podcast so that we will know how we're doing. I also would like to express my gratitude to the amazing team of volunteers that have jumped on board to support this project. You will find each of those beautiful people on my website on the team page.
As you go about this week, I invite you to think about one way that you can continue to grow your resilient muscle. What is one thing you can start with today? See you next week.
HELPFUL RESILIENCE INFORMATION
Definition of Resilience
Capacity to cope with and recover quickly from setbacks, difficulties, and toughness; to adapt well to change; and keep going in the face of adversity.
Types of Resilience - how the body deals with change and recovers from physical demands, illnesses, and injuries.
Physical Resilience how the body deals with change and recovers from physical demands, illnesses and injuries.
Mental Resilience ability to adapt to change and uncertainty.
Emotional Resilience ability to regulate emotions during times of stress.
Social Resilience community resilience – ability of groups to recover from difficult situations.
Areas of Life or Situations That Require A High Level of Resilience:
· Resilience in Adoption
· Resilience in Adults
· Resilience in Anxiety - Depression
· Resilience in Body Image – Eating Disorders
· Resilience in Change
· Resilience in Children
· Resilience in Chronic Illness
· Resilience in Death & Dying
· Resilience in Divorce
· Resilience in Immigration
· Resilience in Non-Profits
· Resilience in Marriage
· Resilience in Parenting
· Resilience in Post Secondary Education
· Resilience in Pregnancy
· Resilience in Racism
· Resilience in Relationships
· Resilience in Suicide
· Resilience in Teens
· Resilience in Trauma
· Resilience in War
· Resilience in the Workplace
Traits, Qualities and Characteristics That People with Resilience Possess:
· They are authentic
· They adapt to change and see it not as a challenge, but an opportunity
· They make commitments and keeps them
· They feel in control – strong internal locus of control
· They have close and secure attachment to others
· They set personal or collective goals
· They become stronger with the effect of stress
· They learn from past successes and mistakes
· They view themselves as survivors – Survivor mentality
· They have a good self-image
· They are confidence in ability to make good decisions
· They have a sense of humor
· They have an action-oriented approach to life
· They have patience around people
· They have optimism in face of uncertainty
· The have Faith or some belief in a higher power
Ways to build Resilience in People
· Create more purpose and meaning in all that you do
· Develop a good support system – supportive network circle that they can engage for help
· Maintaining positive relationships
· Work towards developing good communication skills.
· Develop the capacity to make realistic plans and to carry them out
· Maintain a well-balanced routine lifestyle of diet and exercise
· Practice emotional regulation to manage your feelings, impulses and emotions
· Practice good problem-solving skills to rationally develop solutions
· Find ways to help others
· Set time aside for journaling
· Develop new skills to respond differently to situations. ...
· Turn setbacks into opportunities for growth. ...
· Maintain a healthy perspective. ...
· Maintain Proper sleeping habits
· Practice meditation
Organizations that promote and support Resilience
Resilience Quotes
Resilience Books
Resilience Courses