86: Rob Volpe - Tell Me More About That

When Rob Volpe was bullied in school, he wielded a powerful weapon in return: empathy.

He didn’t know it at the time, but that was the early beginning of a lifetime–and eventually, a career—in pursuit of bringing more empathy and compassion into our relationships to enrich our world.

Rob, an astute observer of life, thought leader, and master storyteller, is the author of Tell Me More About That. The book draws on his years conducting thousands of in-home interviews with everyday people to illustrate the “5 Steps to Empathy”―the actions you can take to build a strong and reflexive empathy muscle.

As a brand strategist and CEO of Ignite 360, Rob also leads a team of insights, strategy, and creative professionals serving the world’s leading brands across a range of industries.

Website:  5stepstoempathy.com

Transcript

Cindy Thompson - A Resilience Project Podcast

Building Resilience Among Humans One Conversation At A Time

EP86: Rob Volpe – Tell Me More About That 

Cindy Thompson: Hello, friends. I am Cindy Thompson, and this is ‘A Resilience Project.’ This is a space where stories are shared and possibilities are discovered. I invite you to partner with me in cultivating resilience among humans, one conversation at a time.

Cindy Thompson: Before I introduce my guest this week, I want share some exciting news!   Starting this spring of 2023 I will be offering a Master Class called Rising.  This is a space where we take a deeper dive into evidence- based resilience practices that will help grow your confidence, decrease your anxiety, and find your joy!  We may not be able to control all the difficult circumstances we face in our lives, but we can respond from a place of strength. I will be providing practices that have helped millions of people to thrive every day.  So if you have been feeling like a willow tree being tossed around in the wind, I want you to know it is possible to have the strength and roots of an oak tree. The program will run over 4 weeks of 1.5 hrs each evening for a total price of $150.  Space is limited, so if this is of interest, go to the website aresilienceproject.com and email me to get your name on the list.  

Now, let’s dive into this week’s episode…

Who are the people you call on when you are struggling with something big? Are they the people who will create space for you and lean into what you might be going through? On the other side of the coin, how often are you present and curious with the people in your life?  What about those you see at work every day?  

When you first meet someone how quick are you to make assumptions or judge them without really having the full picture?  We all have biases, and without knowing it, the initial story we are telling ourselves could get in the way of learning more about those we meet.

My guest this week believes we are in the middle of an “empathy crises”.  Brand strategist, thought leader and author of “Tell Me More About That” , Rob Volpe is here to highlight how and why we all could be growing our empathy skills.  Just like any other muscle, the more we utilize our empathy in our everyday practice, the stronger that muscles will get.  

I am excited to share this conversation with you, because I believe Rob is helping us cultivate resilience through meaningful connection.  If we want to help one another feel seen, heard and understood, Empathy is critical to having more meaningful and enlightening conversations.  

In this episode we are talking about resolving conflict by moving out of fear, learning to live more authentically, the value of dismantling our judgement, how to cultivate more meaningful connections, and why we need to have empathy for ourselves.   Many of you have already bought into the value of community and connection as part of your resilience practice, but I feel this conversation reminds us we can do better.

If you are interested in developing your empathy muscle and how this can benefit you personally and, in your workplace, this episode is for you.  

Here is my conversation with Rob Volpe.

Cindy Thompson: Rob. Thank you so much for being my guests on "A Resilience Project."

Rob Volpe: Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate the opportunity. 

Cindy Thompson: I'm pretty excited because I've just finished your book and I just knew that you would be such an asset to our resilient community. I'm gonna ask you to bridge the empathy theme with building resilience. It's such an important topic for today.

Rob Volpe: Absolutely. It's so important. Empathy is critical to building resilience and getting through what you're trying to overcome by being resilient. Yeah. Let's do it. 

Cindy Thompson: Rob, I see this like a roadmap that you're gonna give us, and in your book I can see that you walk us through your five steps to growing empathy.

 I wonder before we get to that, could we jump into your story of resilience? I wonder about events in your life and some big moments that you realize became pivotal to your resilience story.

Rob Volpe: Yeah, one of the biggest which I write about in the book was when I was growing up in Indiana, small town, 13,000 people, suburb of Indianapolis, but a suburb that was far enough away there's a lot of cornfields you have to drive through to get there. Still to this day, 40 plus years later, still is.

 We had moved to that town. It was 1980. I was going into fifth grade and prior to that, I'd had a very happy childhood. Didn't know anything about anything. Nothing was wrong. Otherness wasn't a thing. When we arrived in this other town the way that I had been playing with my best friend in the first town wasn't the games that other kids would play. They would role play Army, where Joey and I would role play Charlie's Angels, Wonder Woman, and all these amazing action heroines from the seventies TV shows that we just absolutely loved.

 That didn't sit totally well. It was the first clue something was up. But then get into fifth grade and not even two months into the school year, one of the students, was in spelling class and I was sitting in the back of the room. It was evident we were some of the smarter kids in the class.

" You and I are gonna be in competition to be valedictorian someday," says my mom. And I'm like what's a valedictorian? I don't even understand what that is. A week later he comes back and tells everybody that I'm gay. I'm in fifth grade and it's 1980. This is before the AIDS crisis. I didn't understand what gay was. That rumor caught on like wildfire and it made my life a living hell. The combination of that happening and then every sort of behavior movement, thing that I said, way that I said it, way I held my books, walked through the hallway, was getting judged and critiqued and criticized.

 I became very sensitive to that and had to, ultimately become resilient to get through it and find my path to handle it in a way that was true to me. I did have some adults in my life suggest that I just. All off and slug the kid. That'll settle it. Yeah, but I'm not about physical violence. Truth, compassion and love are core to my being so fist fighting isn't something that felt like, I'm just gonna naturally go and slug the kid and give into that rage. That didn't seem like a good out and also didn't know who do you talk to about this?

 They say kids are aware at a pretty young age that there is something different about them. I did end up being a gay man. It had nothing to do with the fact that the kids called me gay but it was the cool insult to hurl all at the time. I didn't want to be put in a situation where I'd get questioned. I could imagine if I complain too much, I'm gonna get dragged to the principal's office with the other kid.

 What happens if the principal asks me if it's true? And I don't believe in lying, so how do I get myself outta that situation? It created some challenges for me . I started to understand how to navigate the rumor mill and be really diligent about behavior. I talk about that period as my spider bite moment, and when Peter Parker gets bitten by the spider and it unleashes his powers. I started to use empathy as a way to connect with the other students and very much in the Dale Carnegie, "How to Win Friends and Influence People," people like to be listened to, they like to be heard, and empathy is about understanding where other people are coming from. I started to try to understand my classmates and not about why they were picking on me necessarily, but just who they were as people. By doing that it helped me understand who they were and bring them a little closer to me so that the next time there might be a rumor or something happened, they weren't necessarily gonna pick up on it or spread the rumor as actively because they had a positive regard for me. I had listened to them. Rob's not so bad.

I think a couple things that kept me going through that period was one, just the love that I felt from my family and in particular my dad's side of the family, which includes my grandma, who just recently passed away.

 I knew I was safe within my family and that there was love there. And also because we had moved into this town, I knew that I could move out. I needed to just find the strength to get through it. And as soon as I graduated from high school, I could go away to college.

Cindy Thompson: It's So interesting that you did the opposite of what some of the adults were suggesting that you might consider. Instead of the violence and trying to use force to show them your power, you used a different kind of superpower. To really build a relationship and a connection with those people, which isn't natural for kids to know how to do that.

 Was that just in you, Rob, or did you have people that influenced you in that regard? That showed you that option?

Rob Volpe: I did have two male figures in my life that were more non-violent, that were more in touch with their emotions and less afraid to shed a tear out of compassion or fond memory. That was my grandpa, so my grandma that just passed, her husband, and also an uncle on the other side of the family. Both of them were just gentle, patient, loving, supportive and just demonstrated a different way. They didn't fit the traditional macho stereotypes that you would've expected of men. I think my grandpa was born in 1907, uncle Ted was born in 19- teens, early twenties.

They weren't demonstrating those behaviors that you would've expected from somebody from the greatest generation and that programming of how men are supposed to show up.

Cindy Thompson: I remember reading in the book that when you came out even to your parents, that they were very supportive, and to your family.

Rob Volpe: Yeah. That was really striking to me. I talk about the safe harbor that I felt in my house growing up. I came out fall of '93, so almost 30 years ago.

I had been out for about a year to myself and living openly as a gay man. My parents were supportive of me, but there were times I can very vividly remember my dad who grew up Catholic saying that he would disown my sister or I, if we ever came out.

Cindy Thompson: Oh.

Rob Volpe: There, can still be rough waves in your safe harbor. It was the eighties and there's the AIDS epidemic and there was a lot of misunderstanding. 

 I was living in Los Angeles, I was working in Hollywood. My parents were gonna come to LA for Thanksgiving and spend the weekend. I had to decide if I wanted to quote unquote "straighten up my life" or not or be honest with them about who I am. I'd started seeing somebody that was my first love and had this nice community of friends. My relationship with my parents had always been closer where they knew about my friends. 

 I didn't like the distance that was forming where we were talking about the weather and my job. I decided to come out to them and I realized because of these things that I had heard, maybe six times over 20 years. Was that so much that it became a ruling edict, who knows?

It is an example of how children do hear things and they will hold on to something that they've heard. You have to be careful with everything that you say to a child and making sure that they feel that they're enough and that they belong and that you value them and that they're welcome.

 My parents taught me and raised me about the importance of family and how strong, blood is thicker than water, and those family connections.

 I realized that I wanted to be truthful and honest about my life, cuz I didn't like living a lie. I needed to take that risk that they may disown me. That's when I meticulously planned it out. I didn't wait to surprise them when the turkey was coming out. I told them the Friday of Labor Day weekend over the phone, but I had also sent them some books that had been written by members of the Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, which is a wonderful organization still around.

 I told them over the phone and this moment of stunned silence. They were both on the phone, same time, different extensions, and one said, " We still love you. You're still our son." And the other one was like, "Yeah we love you no matter what." Which was really just such a huge relief. 

Cindy Thompson: I can only imagine. Just the dichotomy of fear and courage at the same time. Not knowing. And it's a testimony to sometimes we have to speak our truth or get out of our comfort zone in order to be honest with ourselves and honest with those around us and not live in a way that is not true to you.

Rob Volpe: Yeah. It can be really difficult to find the courage to speak our truth, but if you don't, the truth will consume you and keeping those things bottled up is not healthy in the long term. Just say it and get it out. There are wonderful therapists and coaches that can help you figure out how to say it. 

Cindy Thompson: Rob, within that, I can hear so many beautiful moments of support for you even though you were terrified. I can hear, whether it's the guidance of family members when you were being bullied at school, whether it was using your empathy to speak and connect with other people to get you through those difficult moments or coming out to your family. The ultimate message I get here is that you stayed connected. You got a sense of belonging and community that stayed intact for you to help you with whatever next steps you needed .

Rob Volpe: Absolutely. Yeah, there was always a group that was supporting me. Even when I was figuring out, coming out to my parents, I'd already come out to my sister six or eight months earlier. So she knew, and I had her on alert. Telling mom and dad on the Friday night you may get a call tomorrow. Heads up. 

 My other friends that were out already, I was able to hear from them how they had approached that conversation and you learn from everybody. I do remember some of them standing by waiting for my call or were coming over and we were gonna go have a drink or something.

 It's important to know who's in your support system and your network and have them ready. Give them the heads up, and have them ready to come in and give you a hug, support you, whatever you need.

 I don't remember exactly what I did afterward except collapse on the floor in a pile of tears. Just the sheer relief that was over. I've never felt that much release of stress or burden lifted off your shoulders feeling. 

Cindy Thompson: I really like that message because it's not always our family. I'm aware that not everybody's story will turn out like yours did. You're suggesting to have your supports that you already know that have your back to help get you through those next steps and the importance of that. To feel like regardless, you have people that love you and to know family might take some time to come around.

 It may not be right away and a quick response like your parents did but that in time, you'll figure that out and they'll figure it out too.

Rob Volpe: Yeah, it's like the saying the wind be beneath your wings and it's not just one person. There are many people that are there helping support you and give you that courage and confidence. They rotate in and out depending on the situation.

And sometimes you need your friends more, and sometimes it's a family thing and sometimes it's everybody depending on what the situation is. It's knowing who's there for that particular role or what you need and calling on them and giving them the heads up.

 I always like to say, "I failed mind reading." You gotta tell me what's going on so I can help you but don't expect me to just know it.

Cindy Thompson: There's something you just said that made me think. Even then, you were already interviewing people, you were gathering information, you were wanting to know how people experienced this. And what did they learn? For those that are gonna pick up your book, it's filled with stories of dismantling judgment and learning to use empathy to build connection.

Rob Volpe: I believe that the universe puts things in front of you or gives you signs and signals, and we need to learn to recognize them and respond to them.

 Whether that's clearing an obstacle or hearing the lesson or answering the call. In this case, the universe kept putting in front of me, Hey, you're really good at listening to people and understanding where they're coming from. You're really good at this empathy thing, and there are careers for you like that.

 I write about it in the book, my very first job was as a newspaper boy, and back in the day you'd deliver the newspaper, and then on Friday and Saturday you'd go around and collect a payment for the past week or two weeks and I love that.

 I used to go and chat with people and sometimes I'd get through three or four houses because I'd get sucked in and I'd have these really interesting conversations about life, politics. I'm like 14 years old at this point, but I'm having these conversations with adults about family traditions and rituals and town politics, state politics, whatever the topic was. I just absolutely loved it. I thought at one point I wanted to be a journalist, which is about listening to people and understanding and telling those stories. Then I got disillusioned with that for a few different reasons, but then as I got into marketing and realized, oh, I really enjoy marketing, one of the things that I loved was the opportunities when I got to engage with consumers. If you're in a job and every job has some sort of a client or consumer or customer, the most important person you can listen to is not your CEO.

It's not even your shareholders. It is the person that's buying your product because they're gonna tell you what they like, what they don't like, and what else that they might need, so that you can come up with other ideas. I loved every time I had that opportunity, but I didn't understand what the career path was to get into it. Again, the universe puts things in front of you. I got laid off from a job. Started consulting with some of the research firms in the marketing space.

And one day I was talking with the owner of one of the firms and she was looking to hire somebody that has a strategic thinking, write a good PowerPoint, somebody that knows how to moderate. We played the name game for a little bit, didn't come up with anyone. Cindy, it was three days later, I was doing the backstroke in an outdoor pool in Berlin game. Sunny day, lunchtime, which became one of my rituals while I was unemployed. 

All of a sudden it dawned on me. I like talking to people, maybe I'd be good at moderating. I called a friend and she was like, oh my God, you'd be great. Go here to get trained. Three months later I was standing in the frozen vegetable aisle in a Walmart in Allentown, Pennsylvania, waiting for shoppers to see if they engaged in a test product from Green Giant.

 And that was my first research project and I was hooked. I loved it.

Cindy Thompson: Wow. That's what was so surprising to me as I read your book, was that bridge from marketing to empathy. It's not something I would've thought of as a natural course that would've led you to that. 

Maybe we can help listeners understand the importance of empathy and why you've been studying it. What have you been learning about it and why is it so important for us to be able to develop.

Rob Volpe: Yeah. I should say there's a lot of misconceptions and misunderstandings about empathy. When I'm giving talks and in the book I do try to demystify it a bit - there's two different types of empathy.

There's emotional empathy, and then there's cognitive empathy. And the cognitive empathy is the perspective taking and that's what we use in a lot of our day-to-day life. Just understanding where somebody might be coming from when they're saying something. Even reaching out and asking like, how's your day going?

 In business, and in then in marketing in particular, it's about understanding other people and where they're coming from. What are their needs, what are their wants? And very often our clients, consumers, customers, are not us. They're from a different socioeconomic class, different education, different race or ethnicity, different way of viewing the world politically, who knows? If you're going to build a successful product, you have to understand and have empathy with what the person might want and how this is gonna fit into their life or the problem that it's going to solve. Connecting with somebody on a deeper level so it's gonna motivate them to buy. 

Empathy is the foundation of communication, of persuasion, of collaboration, ideation, problem solving. If you can do that better, then you're gonna be better at your job. Within research and qualitative research, we are about connecting our clients to their consumers.

The book as you mentioned, there's a lot of stories and the stories are bringing to life what we call the five steps to empathy. Those are the barriers that we found that people have when they're trying to be empathetic or they should be empathetic, what's getting in their way.

 The five steps are dismantling your judgment, asking good questions, actively listening, integrating into understanding, and using solution imagination.

Cindy Thompson: Yes. I love it. There's so many good ways that you help us develop those questions. I loved learning how you ask questions and how you just would get the person to tell you more. It's broader than just tell me more. You just stayed curious and people would share a lot with you in so many cases.

One of my favorite statements in your book is, "Judgment is the noise canceling headphones of active listening. It blocks out everything, so you only hear what you want to hear and not what you need to hear." That is so good, Rob.

Rob Volpe: Thank you, Cindy. I appreciate that. I'm glad it resonated with you. It's true. I love analogies and metaphors. I did a lot of writing on airplanes, so there's a lot of noise canceling headphones that are on, you're left in your little bubble and your isolation chamber hearing whatever it is that you want to hear, whether that's music or silence or something else. That's what effectively judgment does. It keeps us from listening to the other person and hearing what they're saying. It is so difficult to take those headphones off because it feels safer to stay in that realm of ignorance and not being open to hearing other people.

 It can get messy and uncomfortable when you do take them off, but it's so important. Too many times, places, situations, opportunities for us to put on noise canceling headphones in our life these days. Yeah, it's important to take those off.

Cindy Thompson: What resonated with me as I was reflecting on our conversation today is dismantling judgment actually feels like a gift we give ourselves, because how many times do we misunderstand, whether it's in my counseling or my coaching role, I can think of several times where people have a story that they've developed in their head, but they've never fact checked it.

They have never really run it by to see if that was true or not. And yet, when people take the time to check it out with that person to see if that story is accurate, it's often not. There might be a whole other story that's been missed because we run with our first assumptions.

Rob Volpe: Yeah, written in concrete and the concrete starts to set and then you gotta work really hard to get rid of it. Some people also get confused. There's making a judgment and that's a decision that you need to make. That could be as basic as what gift am I gonna buy somebody for their birthday? Or do I walk down that dark alley? But there's being judgmental and that's the thing that really gets in our way.

 It is our stereotypes or biases or past experiences, those tapes that we keep playing in, our heads that are telling us something that may or may not be true. It creates the noise canceling headphones. I also talk about it as a brick wall these impermeable obstacles that you've got to really work at to get through and get beyond. If you don't, you're just going to stay where you are. That's not a good place in today's society. 

To your point with your clients, the people that you coach. You've got to be able to think through and ask the questions and get over whatever is holding you back. The judgment that you've got, you've gotta be able to suppress that enough that you can peer over the fence and say, Hey, tell me more about, or help me understand, or, I've been struggling with you where said this. Tell me what's going on here.

 And it's really hard. It's really hard.
 We had a situation recently at my grandma's funeral, Italian, Catholic, New York. All the things and that includes, it ends with a lunch. The funeral goers gather and one of my dad's cousins lives in New Hampshire, which is the live free or die state asked a question at the table. 

 My husband was also there and then neighbors of my grandmas who were my age, mid fifties. A little more liberal. This was right before the midterm elections here in the United States. "I just have to ask. I'm an independent and so I can vote either side, but like why should I be voting for the Democrats and why should I be voting for Nancy Pelosi in particular?" 

I was grateful for the opportunity that he was opening the door. It may not have been the most eloquent way to introduce the topic. My husband and one of the neighbors were a little more put back by it. It is odd conversation at a funeral dinner, but beyond that, at least he asked. He wanted to know, and the question may not have been stated in the best way, but I'm grateful that he's asking the question. That means there's a curiosity and an interest to understand. 

We need to dismantle our judgment, don't be judgmental about it and accept that and start to talk through the issue. Sometimes it can be a little off-putting for people and throw you back on your heels. A good way to buy a little bit of time and learn a little more is to say, "Okay, so tell me a little more about that question. Where's that coming from? or What are you thinking about right now?" 

That gets them talking so you're not getting just the dart of that immediate question. You're getting some more context that's behind it. It allows you to drop into, okay, we're gonna talk about politics now. Why choose the Democratic Party in the United States versus the Republican Party in the United States? 

Cindy Thompson: I think it's the curiosity that really stood out. The importance of staying curious. The other piece that I think is worth drawing out is that we may not always agree, but that's okay, because to me it's about understanding, it's about gaining further insight as to how that person might see that or experience it and to stay out of our shoes in that moment.

Rob Volpe: Yes, absolutely. Thank you for summarizing it so eloquently. I stay curious at all times. You can't have empathy if you don't have a sense of curiosity. You do have to develop that, and you have to want to understand. 

One of the things people get confused about with empathy is that, oh, if I'm seeing their point of view, does that mean I'm giving up my own? And the answer is no. It's holding space in your head that there's other ways of looking at the world. 

 The really basic example that's easy for everybody to get. It's I love chocolate ice cream. You might like vanilla. That doesn't make you wrong. It just means you have a different flavor that you like. That same approach is relevant regardless of the topic, whether it's around gun safety or abortion. Women's reproductive rights. Doesn't mean you're wrong. It means that you've got a different opinion and I have to respect that you have that opinion, but now I can use that understanding to start to have the conversation and to come together and reach a decision together or to collaborate or compromise. 

It's a lot easier when you're trying to decide on a flavor of ice cream to share at an ice cream store than it is solving gun safety in the US or reproductive rights access, and that can get a lot more heated. But the principles of the conversation and the empathy are still the same.

Cindy Thompson: We often use that saying of we have to step into someone else's shoes, but we do have to take our shoes off first before we can view something from somebody else's shoes. We'd already been taught that over the years that we try to see it through their lens. But I think our own biases do get in the way. 

Rob Volpe: It makes a lot of sense cuz we're not gonna just jam our size twelves into somebody else's size eight. We need to do some work to get ready for that.

Cindy Thompson: I think about the leaders that I work with in organizations, people that are needing to manage other people, have a team of folks that they're working with.

 It doesn't take a lot of time and the investment of stopping and listening and being curious if there's something going on with an employee or maybe they're coming in late consistently. There could be any number of things, but to really take some time to have a conversation about that doesn't always take a ton of time in, and it's an investment in that connection, in helping people feel heard, and to create some compassion in that organization.

 Would you wanna add anything else to that?

Rob Volpe: Yeah. The great resignation that we've been experiencing over a year now is largely due to the lack of empathy that businesses were showing. One of the things that the pandemic has done is created this quantum shift in employees' expectations. I think they've always expected it or hoped for it, but now demand having more empathetic support. It isn't as hard as it sounds.

 As I was talking about Uncle Ted and my grandpa earlier, it is reprogramming so many messages that we've gotten in society about the way we're supposed to show up at work and compartmentalizing work and personal life and it's actually all kind of messy and all over the place.

 So if you're a manager or a leader in your organization, it's so critical to take the time to ask the questions and to listen to the answer and listen to your intuition. If you think there's something else that's going on, ask a little more. People will let you know immediately through their body language or their verbal language, whether they are open to talking about it or not.

You can just go, okay, noted to self, there's something else that may or may not be here. It's important to reflect back empathy to the employees so that they understand. It's saying things like, I can imagine this feels whatever the situation is. Or, I can see where you're coming from, or even without making it about yourself, but you can say, "Oh, I recall I was in this situation once and here's how it made me feel. Is that similar to how you are feeling or is there something else that you know we should be talking about?" You're gonna build loyalty, you're going to make them feel included, they're going to perform better. Your entire organization is gonna benefit. 

 As we're recording this in late November, you can look at been happening at Twitter over the last month and it is textbook unempathetic leadership. Those are the things not to do, but instead to show up and invest the time. .

 I once heard somebody said that work takes up the time that you give to it. Meaning, if you've got a report to write and you set four hours to write it, it'll take you four, maybe five hours. If you only give it an hour or two, you'll get it done in that hour or two. Similarly, if we go into our one-on-one team meetings with our employees and it's 30 minutes of work, you're gonna end up talking about work for 30 minutes, but if you give 15 minutes to personal chit chat. How was your weekend? How's life? What's going on with you? How are you feeling about this? Then 15 minutes to work, you'll get the work stuff done in 15 minutes. It'll still happen, but that first 15 minutes of investing in the relationship, that's what it's all about.

Cindy Thompson: That's how I see your book. It's an investment. It's an investment in people. Whether it's personal or professional. I have no doubt that it's gonna make a big difference in so many people's lives in growing community. That's why I wanted to have you on. 'Cause I felt like that is such a beautiful way of bridging to resilience and just developing that connection.

So good, Rob.

Rob Volpe: Thank you, Cindy. I really appreciate that. I think part of resilience is also having empathy with yourself and really understanding where you're coming from and why you're responding to something the way that you are, and taking the time to understand. Empathy works in a lot of different ways with yourself.

Cindy Thompson: Yeah. I'm so glad you brought us to that. That's so important . If we can't be empathetic with ourselves, then we're not our best selves. We're not showing up every day and able to hear someone else if we're not feeling strong. 

Rob, I understand you have an empathy playlist.

Rob Volpe: I do. I was on a podcast almost a year ago now, and the host was like, " What's your playlist?" What is a good empathy playlist? I spent some time thinking about the songs that connect with me or that reflect or resemble empathy the most for me, and then some others that came across my path and I think about it as a journey. The first song on my empathy playlist is "People Are People" by Depeche Mode. " People are people. Why should it be you and I should get along so awfully?" is one of the lyrics and yeah, it's true. We're all humans and why do we treat each other as terribly as we do? And then the other, which is my all-time favorite song, which is "Running up That Hill" by Kate Bush. One of the lyrics, "If I only could make a deal with God and get us to swap our places," that's about empathy.

That's about understanding where the other person is coming from. She was writing about it in the dynamic of relationships between men and women. It can be any two people trading places. Then something that's a little more current, there's a Harry Style's song from a few years ago called "Treat People with Kindness". Which is just a great call to action and what we should be striving to do every single day. 

What would happen if you were to treat people with kindness? When you smile in a room, other people smile with you. If you're acting with kindness, it's making somebody else's day better and it just creates this ripple effect and knock on effect. 

Fourth song, there is a song called "Empathy" by Alana Morrisette. That is just about that notion of empathy and a more emotional empathy.

 And then the fifth song is "Sissy that Walk" by RuPaul. A little unexpected for some people perhaps, but it is about empowerment and being able to stand strong. Once you have reached that state where you can tap into your empathy and you use it, you are able to walk strong and be your own person and step into that.

And as a man, it's okay to sissy that walk.

Cindy Thompson: Yes. So good. So good. Thank you. I'm glad that we got to hear your playlist and hope that people will check that out. I'm sure some songs will resonate, but I like it as almost like a progression that you've created to start at one and work your way through. 

Rob Volpe: I don't expect that you're gonna have the answer, but I will be curious to know if you have a resilience playlist.

Cindy Thompson: I don't, but I'm gonna have to come up with one. Thank you for that inspiration. I'm gonna work on that, Rob. Challenge accepted. I am so grateful that you are carving out some of your Thanksgiving weekend and I just think that your book is worth reading. I just learned today that it's now on Audible. 

Rob Volpe: Yes. I narrated it myself, so you get to hear me tell my stories. We brought in some voice actors to also bring some of the characters to life. 

Cindy Thompson: I appreciate your sharing your story today in service to growing people's resilience all around the world.

And I'm just so grateful for you, Rob, and for being here.

Rob Volpe: Thank you for asking me to be here and for holding space for me to share. Cindy, I really appreciate it. I hope it's helped some people, been eye-opening, maybe given a little bit of inspiration and courage to others.

Cindy Thompson: I have no doubt it will. Thanks, Rob.

Rob Volpe: Thank you.

Cindy Thompson: It's my pleasure. For sure. 

Cindy Thompson: If you have been enjoying this episode, I would love it if you would rate and comment on your preferred podcast platform.  This helps us to reach a broader audience and create a resilient community of people all over the world.  

 I am so grateful for Rob’s insights and for writing such a meaningful book.  Whether he discovered his superpower for connection through necessity as a younger boy, or that he has honed this gift as an adult, I am going to suggest it is a great superpower to have.

 I hope you will pick up Rob’s book, as you will have a chance to dive deeper into his 5 steps to Empathy.  For now, here is a reminder of his 5 steps mentioned in our conversation.    Dismantling judgement; asking good questions; actively listening; integrating into understanding and using solution imagination.

 Growing our empathy helps us develop a sense of connection and community, which is a valuable resilience practice to have.  With that in mind, here are some of the highlights from our conversation that Rob has left us to consider:

 1)    Empathy helps us to peer over the fence and stay curious on what might be happening on the other side.

2)    Having empathy with yourself allows you to understand where YOU are coming from, and why you are responding in a particular way to something.

3)    Stay curious. Ask questions about the other person’s experience even if it is different than your own. 

4)    Taking the time to ask a co-worker or colleague what is happening in their world and how they are feeling about it.  This can create a culture of connection and the work still gets done.  Maybe even more effectively.

5)    In his book Rob paraphrases something Scott Cook, cofounder of Intuit said, which is profound.  “if having empathy is being able to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, you have to take your own shoes off first”.    Wow!  

 I typically like to wrap up an episode with two questions and a reflection.  Because Rob has so many great questions throughout his book, I’m going to pull out a couple for this episode as a teaser.  By the way, go get the book!

 1.     Looking back on your childhood or another point in your life, when did you feel misunderstood by others?  How did that feel?  What comforted you during that time?  How did you get through it?

2.     When have you been on the receiving end of someone being judgemental, and how did it feel?  What would you have wanted them to say instead?

 The Quote I chose, is from Tyler Perry - “Stand in the middle, no matter what’s around the wall.  Stand in the middle, ‘cause that’s where healing happens.  That’s where change happens.  It happens in the middle”. 

Finally, I want to remind you friends, Adversity is inevitable while Resilience is a practice.

Cindy Thompson: Thank you for listening to this episode of ‘A Resilience Project.’ We would not be doing this podcast without you. If you or someone you know has an inspirational story or is helping to build resilience in their community, please e-mail me at cindy@aresilienceproject.com. In fact, e-mail me either way. I would love to hear from you. My hope is to feature an episode periodically on your letters of resilience. I'm very interested in hearing your story of how you have tackled hard things and what worked for you. With your permission, I hope to share some of these stories along the way with our listeners. Also, check out my website, aresilienceproject.com to learn more about our amazing guests.  

Your presence here is important because together we are cultivating a village of resilient individuals. You are creating a space for their stories to be shared and a sacred space for learning to occur. I also have a favor - I would love for you to go to your preferred podcast platform, rate and review the podcast so that we will know how we're doing. I also would like to express my gratitude to the amazing team of volunteers that have jumped on board to support this project. You will find each of those beautiful people on my website on the team page.  

As you go about this week, I invite you to think about one way that you can continue to grow your resilient muscle. What is one thing you can start with today? See you next week.

 HELPFUL RESILIENCE INFORMATION

Definition of Resilience

Capacity to cope with and recover quickly from setbacks, difficulties, and toughness; to adapt well to change; and keep going in the face of adversity.

Types of Resilience - how the body deals with change and recovers from physical demands, illnesses, and injuries. 

Physical Resilience how the body deals with change and recovers from physical demands, illnesses and injuries.  

Mental Resilience ability to adapt to change and uncertainty.  

Emotional Resilience ability to regulate emotions during times of stress. 

Social Resilience community resilience – ability of groups to recover from difficult situations.

Areas of Life or Situations That Require A High Level of Resilience:

·      Resilience in Adoption

·       Resilience in Adults

·       Resilience in Anxiety - Depression

·       Resilience in Body Image – Eating Disorders

·       Resilience in Change

·       Resilience in Children

·       Resilience in Chronic Illness

·       Resilience in Death & Dying

·       Resilience in Divorce

·       Resilience in Immigration

·       Resilience in Non-Profits

·       Resilience in Marriage

·       Resilience in Parenting

·       Resilience in Post Secondary Education

·       Resilience in Pregnancy

·       Resilience in Racism

·       Resilience in Relationships

·       Resilience in Suicide

·       Resilience in Teens

·       Resilience in Trauma 

·       Resilience in War

·       Resilience in the Workplace

 Traits, Qualities and Characteristics That People with Resilience Possess:

·         They are authentic

·         They adapt to change and see it not as a challenge, but an opportunity

·         They make commitments and keeps them

·         They feel in control – strong internal locus of control

·         They have close and secure attachment to others

·         They set personal or collective goals

·         They become stronger with the effect of stress

·         They learn from past successes and mistakes

·         They view themselves as survivors – Survivor mentality

·         They have a good self-image

·         They are confidence in ability to make good decisions

·         They have a sense of humor

·         They have an action-oriented approach to life

·         They have patience around people

·         They have optimism in face of uncertainty

·         The have Faith or some belief in a higher power

Ways to build Resilience in People

·       Create more purpose and meaning in all that you do

·       Develop a good support system – supportive network circle that they can engage for help

·       Maintaining positive relationships

·       Work towards developing good communication skills.

·       Develop the capacity to make realistic plans and to carry them out

·       Maintain a well-balanced routine lifestyle of diet and exercise

·       Practice emotional regulation to manage your feelings, impulses and emotions 

·       Practice good problem-solving skills to rationally develop solutions

·       Find ways to help others

·       Set time aside for journaling

·       Develop new skills to respond differently to situations. ... 

·       Turn setbacks into opportunities for growth. ... 

·       Maintain a healthy perspective. ... 

·       Maintain Proper sleeping habits

·       Practice meditation

Organizations that promote and support Resilience

Resilience Quotes

Resilience Books

Resilience Courses