Your Teens Will Respect You More When You Do This

Struggling as a parent of middle schoolers and/or teens?

Parenting becomes frustrating when you feel like you’re constantly talking, correcting, reminding, and repeating yourself — but your children still don’t seem to hear you.

In this episode I share 2 of the most powerful parenting perspectives and practices that help my wife and I (as young parents) to communicate effectively to our 4 children and raise them to be emotionally regulated and economically responsible adults.

I will show you how to build trust, emotional safety, responsibility, and real connection in the home!

This conversation is for parents, fathers, mothers, and faith-based families who want to improve communication with their children, raise emotionally regulated kids, and develop responsible young adults without using fear, control, shame, or manipulation.

Join Me!

Transcript

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Treveal C.W. Lynch (00:01)
Hey, what's going on guys? Welcome to another live edition of the I Am The Possible podcast. Experience the place where possibilities become perspective. Guys, welcome into the space and into the place. Today, we are talking about parenting. More specifically, we're talking about how to raise emotionally regulated.

and economically responsible children. All right. This is going to be a pretty quick one. ⁓ Today, I just kind of felt inspired. I've been reading a book on creativity. And one of the things that I've learned in this book is when inspired, create, okay, at the moment of inspiration. And so I've been doing a lot of lives lately, but this is, again, something I just felt.

inspired to share today and hopefully it'll add value to some of the parents that may be tapping in today. So let me just jump right into it. Today I'm presenting two things I did to raise four adult children. Now I've been parenting for 26 years. Again, I have four adult children and I'm not saying that I'm an expert, a guru, a scientist.

⁓ any of those weird titles that we sometimes try to give ourselves, I'm just a guy that loves his children, loves his wife, loves humanity and wants to do, or wants to see people do well. And so that's really the approach that I've always taken in, in and through any relationship that I have, including that, ⁓ that relationship that I had with my children is just wanting to see them.

when and wanting to see them do well. And I think when you have that intention, when you, when you begin from that space, when you begin from that place, it sort of conditions you and sets you up to receive revelation, to see things that maybe you normally wouldn't see, maybe take notice of things that maybe you normally wouldn't take notice of because your intention is how can I use my life to better the life of this other person?

Okay. And so right out the gate, let me share the very first thing that I've done over the last 26 years to really help my children to grow and to develop. And let me just also say really quickly, I've been married equal time. Okay. And I want you to know that although I'm sharing what I've done, this is a partnership though. My wife isn't on live with me right now. ⁓ my wife, a hundred percent, this was a partnership. She helped.

She was there every step of the way. We were both in and continue to be in our children's life from the moment of conception. Okay. And so we were both always present, always available, always in the home, not only physically available, but emotionally available. And so we were always present. So I just want to kind of lay that groundwork that it's not just a me thing. Dad did everything. This was a partnership. It was my wife and I. And so we raised them. We did this thing together.

I'm just kind of saying from a personal perspective that what I did, what I made sure I did, right? Because we're only really responsible for what we do, right? As we say, change what we can change, right? I'm only responsible for what I can do. Even though my wife and I agreed on many things, I knew that I couldn't force her to do anything. But what I can do as a father,

as a husband, as a man, as a leader in my home is be responsible for what I'm doing. Okay. So right out the gate, just, and maybe I'm sharing three things, four things. I don't know, right? I only meant to share two things, but things start to come out. But that was really the position that I operated from, right? What can I control within me and how can I position myself? How can I live my life in such a way that positively influences

my child. All right. So that was the mindset I was set on that. the very first thing that I want to share and I got some notes in front of me just to help me remember is I went first. All right. If you're taking notes, I went first. I always use the analogy of being at like a public swimming pool back where I'm from back in the Midwest. used to have these public swimming pools.

And the kids, we'd go out there to the swimming pool and it'd this big old tall, don't know, 12 foot, 15 foot swimming pool. And all the kids would be looking up at it and wanting to dive off of it or wanting to jump off of it. And nobody would. Everyone would just be, know, paralysis of analysis, right? How tall is it? Is it going to hurt when I hit the water? Blah, blah, blah. But all it takes is one. And I've always been either the person that's gone first,

or I've been the motivator of the person that's going first. But somehow I've always been wrapped up in who's going to go first, right? Because I understood the principle. If one person does it, then it makes it so much easier for everyone else to do it. And so just like at the swimming pool, the first person to jump off the high dive, it in a sense gives permission to everyone else to do it. Well, the same works within our home as leaders, as fathers, as parents. You go first.

Okay, I chose to go first. And what I meant by going first is this. As a parent, sometimes we take this ownership mentality. Sometimes we take this control mentality or perspective. And it gets us into things like back when I was coming up, we would hear things like, do as I say, not as I do. Well, news flash, parents, those days are over.

This generation ain't hearing that and they ain't having that. Do as I say, not as I do. No, you capping. You know what I'm saying? It's like, no, they're looking for integrity. They're looking for character. They're looking for resolve. They're looking for consistency. So I chose to go first in everything. I chose to go first in being wrong. When dad messes up, everybody knows it. When I missed the mark, everyone knows it. When I failed,

Everyone knows it. Maybe they don't know all of my business, but they knew enough coming up to where they could look at me and say, okay, dad has no problem raising his hand first and saying, you know what? I messed up right there. I was wrong right there. It's this principle of less dictation and more demonstration, less dictation, more demonstration as a parent.

It is embodying the attributes that you want your children to embody. You go first. You do it first. You apologize first. You stand up first. You do it again first. You go first in whatever it is. Whatever you want them to model, you model. You demonstrate it. You embody it. And get this, it takes integrity and character.

to do this thing the right way. The right way in my mind is I'm doing this because that's who I am. I'm not doing it temporarily to just convince you to do it. And I'm certainly not just using my mouthpiece and trying to dictate to you what to do. I never respected that approach to parenting, do as I say, not as I do. What is that? You're literally saying be someone

you want me to be, not because you even care enough about that thing to do it yourself. It's really backwards. It's a really backwards way of, I guess, trying to inspire your child or raise your child. But really what it comes down to is dictatorship, control. And I'm going to be talking about another point to that in just a moment. But the very first thing I did, because I said I was going to share two things, the first thing I did was I simply went first.

I embodied before them, I demonstrated before them the character, the attributes, the mannerisms, the responsibility, the reason that my children are emotionally regulated, economically responsible, was because those are two things that I really, really care about. And the emotional part I struggled with a lot. But one thing I had going for me until I finally got to a therapist,

The one thing that I had going for me, although I had all the drama and trauma that I experienced in my life, the one thing I had going for me was honesty, transparency. When I felt like crying, my children saw my tears. When I missed a mark, my children heard me and saw me confess. And they saw me ask them for forgiveness. I don't know how many times I've asked my children, hey guys, I know dad said he was going to do this.

or he was gonna do that, like speaking in third person, like I'm explaining this to them. I know I said I was gonna do this, but I didn't do it. I own it. Those are my two favorite words, I own it. And demonstrating that over and over and over and over, not because I'm trying to convince them to do it, but it's because that's who I actually am. I'm owning it. I was responsible for that. But as a parent, letting them see that process, letting them see

the rise and the fall and the rise again, letting them see the roller coasters of life, letting them see the suffering, letting them see it, go first, be about it first, demonstrate before you dictate. In fact, just demonstrate, forget dictating, just demonstrate. I know as a parent, yes, we gotta guide them and tell them, you know, don't do that, don't touch this, don't touch that. I get that part. But what I'm talking about, and maybe this is more for

that, you know, teenagers, young adults, it's about having a conversation through what you do, not just with what you say. All right, let me let me take a look back at my notes. Make sure I'm doing well, because I know I'm kind of crunched for time this morning. All right.

Quick thing that I wanted to share, God gave me this years ago and I thought it was pretty, pretty dope when God shared it with me as a parent. Children listen far more with their eyes than they do their ears. Did you catch that? Children listen more with their eyes than they do with their ears. What I'm saying is they will listen

to what they see you do far more than they will listen to what they hear you say. The proof is in the pudding. What are you doing before them? What do they see you do day in and day out? Because they're looking for repetition. They're looking for the pattern. They are looking for the consistency in your life because that...

That's what informs them of who they should be, of how they should be, of how they should conduct their lives. They're looking for those little clues, those little breadcrumbs to ⁓ formation and ⁓ development. They're looking for that and they're looking at you and they're saying, okay, well, dad always does this or always says this. Now, as I'm a little older, now as my children have become adults,

the conversations that we're having and the things I'm witnessing them do. It's amazing that they're saying things that I used to say that my wife used to say. They're doing things that we used to do with them and for them as children. They're now doing it with their significant other or they're doing it on their own. It's amazing what the example does versus what your words are doing. Words have power.

They do have power and they do remember them, especially when they hurt. When you hurt their feelings, that just hits different. my main point is your example speaks volumes. Your example is amplified over anything that you would ever say. Next thing is I honor their voice. We honor our children's voice in this house. You want to talk about a safe space?

We have practiced that for the last 26 years. Our children feel safe to say what they feel. There is no shaming in this house. There is no, know, how you tease and kind of play the dozens or whatever you want to call it nowadays. Maybe to a degree, but if we sense we've hurt someone, if we sense you feel some type of way, if we sense that maybe hits you different, we're addressing that.

We can't have that, right? Like I've always seen my family like a team, man, like a team environment. And it's like, man, the health of the team, man, it's like Team Lynch. We have to protect each other. We have to nurture one another. We have to guard and guide one another. And a part of that is in-house, internally, what are we doing to keep each other safe? And one of those things is making sure that they know that they have a voice.

When they speak, we actually listen. We actually lean in because our children have not only a voice that God's given them, but they have value that God's given them. When they speak, they say some amazing things. But sometimes as parents, we think we know it all and we're just so all about whatever we're doing and trying to dictate down rather than, you know, listening up like leaning in, child, what are you saying? Because they may see something that we don't see.

And so it's this back and forth. But my point is this, the thing that I did and that we did was we made sure that our children had a voice on a very practical level. One of the things that we practice, we would come literally at the table that I'm sitting at, but wherever we would live, would circle around the table, have a meal. Maybe it was on Sunday, Saturday, whatever it was. And we do this little thing called roses and thorns. And we would just give each person time.

as we would go around the table, hey, share with us your roles for the week. The roles represented something good that happened, something they wanted to have happen, something they desired. And then share your, share your thorn. What's the one thing that really poked you the wrong way, really got under your skin? What maybe disappointed you, right? And we allowed them that space to express it. And then we...

Discerned, do you need advice? Do you want advice? Do you just want us to hold space? Do you just want us to listen? Did you just need to vent? Letting that be whatever that needs to be for them. You see how we're modeling the emotional regulation? You see how we're modeling that? And then the economic responsibility. That I can't go into a great deal because I'm already running out of time, but the same thing, financially.

taking care of your home. Economics is bigger than just money. Economics is literally the management of one's home. So whether it's cleaning up chores, financials, ⁓ having a job, keeping a job, buying a car, having insurance, all of these little things, as they got older, we exposed them to these little things, having life insurance, right? All of these little things, having investments, savings, being charitable, giving to others.

right? Feeding the poor, clothing, you know, the poor, you know, those that need, right? Being able to meet a need where you see it, right? And we've done that over and over and over and over and over for last 26 years and now it's ingrained in them and now they do it organically. They've taken on so many of the attributes that we modeled and that we embodied.

not because we were trying to convince them to do it, not because we were trying to manipulate them to do it, because it was actually who we were and who we were becoming. And it was actually things that we valued. So it was real. Because in closing, let me just say this, children can sniff out the real and they can sniff out the fake. If you just front, you just capping, you just, you just doing it for the moment. They can sniff that. They can smell that.

and they will not like you for it, all the more. Because now they're like, I got a parent that's, you know what saying? And they're talking amongst themselves or they're talking internally and you just lose so much credibility. Figure out the values you have, the belief systems that you have, the things that matter to you and just embody them. Be about them in front of your children. Last thing I'll say in closing, something that really touched my life.

changed my whole perspective on parenting. This statement right here, children are not born to us. They are born through us. I'm gonna say that one more time. Children are not born to us. Children are born through us. And yes, they are your children. Yes, you're legally responsible for them. Yes, they're your family. That's not what I'm saying.

Children are not born to you, but they are born through you. It deals with the control factor. It deals with the control factor. I and we did not try to control our children, manipulate our children, force our children. Did we discipline? Should they be disciplined? Should they have standards? Should they have guardrails? ⁓ 100%. 100%.

What I'm talking about is as a parent, you know when your fears are overwhelming you and you're trying to manipulate them and force them down a path or force them to make a certain decision and you're trying to make them be something or do something, especially in certain cultures, occupations. Everyone was a doctor, you're gonna be a doctor. Everyone was a lawyer, you're gonna be a lawyer. Everyone was a part of this fraternity or sorority.

you're going to do it too, you're going to pledge too. They are, listen man, your children are individuals. They are individuals. And for those of us who are in the faith community, they are God's creation, man. They're not your property. You were gifted and you were graced to have been a vessel. ⁓

channel through which the child was born into the world through but not to. They're not your property. They're not your car, your house. They're not your boat. They're not something that's like yours, like that. You hear what I'm saying? The family, all that relative. Yes, absolutely. They're your blood. They're your legacy. They're your lineage. All that good stuff. What I'm talking about is

When you cross the line and you begin to think that they are yours to control and they are yours to just boss around and tell what to do. And then when they don't line up just the way you want them to be, they somehow disappoint you.

I didn't do that. My wife didn't do that. And it worked out pretty well. Worked out pretty doggone well. So I would advise. I can't make you, I can't tell you to do anything. But I would advise to not take that on. And by not taking that on, it relieves you as the parent of so much stress. Because a lot of our stress, a lot of our...

pulling our hair out and a lot of our anxiety and overwhelm is because we're trying to control and manipulate another human being. And that's not what they were created for. That's not your role. I hope you hear my heart. All right, that's it. Those are my two things I had to do a super, super fast, because I didn't have a ton of time this morning.

but I wanted to get it out there anyway. I'm sure I'm gonna create more content around this. I've got a whole masterclass on parenting that I'm gonna be coming out with soon as well. But just wanted to put that out into the universe for any parent that might need some pick me up or some strategy. ⁓ And I don't have it down in the show notes right now. you know what? Actually, I do have it in the show notes today. ⁓ If you want more information about this, you wanna contact me, ⁓ all of my information is in the link that I provided.

within this broadcast. So if you're on YouTube, if you're on LinkedIn, it is there, click the link, find the contact link and reach out to me. I'm here to help and to assist and I would love to show up and serve and support your success as a parent. All right. Love you guys, believing in you guys. ⁓ I'm praying for you guys. Parents need prayer. So listen, man, I'm here for you, but that's it for now.

got to go. This is it. Travail CW Lynch. Mr. What What. I am the possible universe. I am the possible podcast experience. The place where possibilities become perspective.