Why So Many Christian Men Are At Their Breaking Point

Why do so many Christian men, fathers, and faith leaders feel overwhelmed, inconsistent, burned out, and emotionally drained—even when they love God, love their family, and care deeply about serving others?

In this episode I share my personal story of abuse and hitting the emotional wall before finally finding the help I needed to learn how to lighten up on myself. 

For many of us as men, overwhelm is not just about having too much to do. It is often connected to deeper patterns of people-pleasing, perfectionism, procrastination, emotional exhaustion, childhood wounds, and the pressure to prove we're are enough.

This message is for the man who keeps showing up for everyone else but feels like he is slowly disappearing inside.

You're not weak. 
You're not lazy. 
You're not broken.

You're just depending on the wrong source to provide the appreciation and validation you deserve.

Transcript

Treveal C.W. Lynch (00:00)
All right, we should be live. We should be live. What's going on guys? Welcome to another episode, another experience here in the I Am The Possible universe. I is your host Travail C. W. Lynch. Mr. What What. And this is the space, this is the place where possibilities become perspective. Guys, today we're talking about the perspective of how to be

burnout and overwhelm. How to beat burnout and overwhelm. I'm going to be sharing my stories. I'm going to be sharing some solutions. And it's all for the purpose of seeing your success, serving and supporting your success as men, as fathers, as faith leaders, those of us who can certainly be under pressure, who can certainly become overwhelmed, who can certainly

experience burnout. Today I want to share with you guys right out the gate a little bit about my story. You know, I grew up and I think some of you guys can relate to this and this is really, I believe, the setup for a life of overwhelm and burnout. All right. And as I always say, stick with me. We're going somewhere with this. But I grew up being abused, abused physically.

sexually, emotionally, I was abused verbally. You know, I say it kind of jokingly, but it's actually no joke. If there was a way for a person to be abused, I believe that I've been abused that way. I've been through a lot. And the truth is we've all been through a lot. And some of us are still going through a lot. And so with respect to that,

I just wanted to share that many times when we grow up being abused and misused, we as a child, we don't know how to really navigate that. And we don't know how to process that. We don't have the language for it at that age. We don't have the cognitive skill sets. We don't have the capacity. don't know.

how to process the emotions and the feelings that we are experiencing as a child, because a lot has not developed yet. Yet these things are happening to us. And for me, what happened was, because I experienced these things as a child, not knowing how to process them, the narrative or the story that I wrote was no one accepts me. No one appreciates me.

No one approves of me. All right. And as you get older, if you're anything like me, those things don't get addressed. And so you start to do the best you can do with what you have and the information that you have available. And what tends to happen is you begin to, in a sense, develop these coping mechanisms, right? Whether it's on your job, in your family.

at church, within relationships. You begin to look for and you begin to develop ways to experience the love, the acceptance, the approval, the appreciation that you didn't get as a child. You begin to manipulate, you begin to learn how to, in a sense, cope with what you're experiencing, but also how to, in a sense, get these replacements.

And so the way that it tends to play out for many of us is that we overdo it. We go extremely hard. We go extremely long periods of time giving to others, serving others, doing for others, because ultimately what we're looking for is we're looking for the things that we weren't getting as a child. And so let me just give you a personal example, right? ⁓

I'll have to practice this more so that I can have the exact dates because I want to start to share this story more and more. But a year ago, I hit an emotional wall and I had been serving in church for 20 plus years. And although I did have a sabbatical one time when I was writing my book, even then it wasn't a rest period. I wasn't pulling back completely.

And so my point is, is that you go for these years of time and you're, as I like to say, which I heard, and I forgot where I heard it, but it was so impactful that I say it often. You learn to bend so that others don't break. You become a perfectionist. You become a procrastinator. You become a people pleaser.

Right, my three P's, right? You become these things because you're trying to compensate. That was the word I was looking for earlier. You're compensating. You're trying to acquire. You're trying to win. You're trying to get. You're trying to acquire the things that you were missing as a child. Because as a child, in a perfect world, a perfect setup, you would have gotten from your caretakers, you would have gotten...

the appreciation, the approval, the acceptance. You would have felt that. That's why it's so important for me now as a father, right? And as a husband, for me to cultivate that within my home. you know, I share so much content about the importance of that. But as a child, you were supposed to be getting these moments of approval and appreciation and validation. And for many of us, we don't get it as a child. So now as an adult, we're doing everything in our power to acquire that.

And what happens is, and now it kind of comes full circle, what happens is we become overwhelmed. We begin to burn out because the source of our approval, the source of our acceptance, the source of our appreciation, it starts to be other people. Other people's acceptance, other people's approval, other people's applause, right? And so,

That's what was happening for me. But you get to a point where you hit a wall because that's no longer good enough. At some point, that no longer sustains you. Let's just call it a energy source. Because if you're burning out, you're running low on let's just call it energy, internal energy, spiritual energy, physical energy, emotional energy. Your tank is running low.

So you're overwhelmed because the capacity that you have is being tapped out. You're starting to burn out because your tank, like you're driving a car, the tank is on empty. That needle has moved to the E. But yet the responsibilities, the requirements, your role is still demanding a full tank, but you're on E emotionally. But life is saying, me a full tank effort, but your life is on a

on an E level, but your internal life is on an E level. And so that's what happened to me, man. I hit an emotional wall in ministry and really life itself. Just always giving, giving, giving, bending so others don't break, showing up for others, being the hero, you know, like creating this story in my head where I'm always saving the day. I'm the superhero. I've always got to protect. I've always got to provide. I've always got to do. I've always got to cover the bases.

And the truth is a lot of this was just stemming from that childhood mess that never got addressed. And so as an adult, I was still trying to compensate. Let me do all of these things for my wife so that I can feel like enough, so that I can feel that approval, that appreciation, that validation. Let me do this for the people at church. Let me do this for my pastor. Let me do this for my kids. And I was wearing myself out.

Not so much from a physical perspective, but when we talk about burnout and we're talking about overwhelm, a lot of it is an internal thing. Hard labor does not really wear us out, especially as men. Physical labor that rarely taps us out because we can do what we do to a degree and then we say, okay, well, at this point I'm done, right? You go home for the day. We're really good at knowing what we can do from a physical perspective. But men, have...

most of us, some of us, if I'm talking to you, because I hate those general terms. I hate being generic and just kind of saying these blanket statements, all men, because it ain't true. You're an individual, so it's not all men. But if I'm talking to you, if you're anything like me, if you're wired like me, if your background is like me, you're so thirsty for the approval and the appreciation and the acceptance that you'll do almost anything.

Not knowing that it is wearing you out and you are on a collision course with what I call the wall, hitting the wall, man. And I hit the wall and I just couldn't do anymore. And I had to get a therapist and I had to get into therapy and I had to get over the stigmas and the dogma and the foolishness around therapy and the foolishness around getting advice as a black man. That's nonsense. White man, black man, purple man, we all need somebody.

And I should have known it because I had had a mindset coach for years. I should have known that no matter what area of life, right, because I got people in my life for my finances, I got people in my life for my spiritual stuff, I got people in my life for this and for that, but I didn't have anyone in my life from a emotional perspective, a professional emotional perspective. And that's what I needed. And so what I learned was this is not a sustainable source. People are not a sustainable source.

to keep you from burning out. In fact, they will become the very reason that you burn out. Because if you're anything like me, you don't know how to say no. No is like a curse word. No is like, it's like condemnation, right? Because you want to show up for everybody else. And that's what's leading to a lot of your burnout. I'm gonna share a story in just a moment here, but let me just take a look at the chat real quick. Cause I see, I believe I see some folks or at least,

Someone in the chat, if I can look at my chat, the public chat, there it is. All right. It says, so true. Boom. That's good. Sad eyes, emojis. I feel you. And obviously you're feeling me. So shout out to Internationally Renowned. Internationally Renowned. I love that name. So thank you for joining live. Thank you for your feedback. I'm so wore out, done physically too. I feel you. I feel you.

I feel you. So let's get into some of these solutions, right? I've told enough stories. Let's get into some of these solutions, right? So the other day, my daughter came to me and she came to me and she said, hey, dad, where did you put the batteries? And I, you know, I gotta be honest, man. If your family is anything like my family, ⁓ we buy stuff, we put stuff in a drawer or we put stuff somewhere and then

It's like certain people that will remain nameless ⁓ in case my family's listening on some of these podcast episodes, ⁓ they just end up missing. So one thing is, it's like, hate buying these big boxes of batteries from like Costco or something like that. And then they end up missing. It's like, man, where the heck are the batteries, right? You buy these and double A's and triple A's and all these different kinds of batteries. But when you need the battery, you can't ever find the battery.

So anyway, my daughter came to me and she said, dad, where's the batteries? And I said, ⁓ I got them. What, what battery do you need? And she said, ⁓ I need, I believe it was a triple A. So that's what I got this morning. All right. I got a triple A battery, but I also got, what is this a C or D, a D battery as well. Okay. So I got these batteries. ⁓ I, I brought the D just because you can just see it better is just larger, but she wanted this, this triple A battery. Right. And.

I felt like God had blessed me with this concept, right? Triple A, three As, right? Acceptance, approval, appreciation, right? You can throw some other As in there, applause, accolades, awards, right? You can just go crazy with the As. But it's like, some of us, are, because of our background, because of the abuse, because of the misuse, because of the...

of the childhood scars, the drama and the trauma that trained us to believe that unless we do enough that we're not enough, right? If that's your story, that's your background like mine, then the people, all of their approvals and acceptances and appreciations, ⁓ that becomes our battery. And the only reason that my daughter came to me and she said, hey, dad, do you have another battery? The only reason that she did that was because the battery that she previously had, it died. It ran out.

is not a sustainable source of energy. And so this battery represents people and their approval and their appreciation and their applauses. It's not a sustainable source of energy. It will run dry. It will leave you empty and you will have to go and get another battery. And that's what it plays out in life. It doesn't sustain us. So we burn out the battery dies and now we have to go get more and we have to

pay the price of getting more, acquiring more, whatever that looks like. Let that lean on you, let that speak to you. Whatever the price that you're paying, your price to acquire more of people's appreciation, applause and approval, whatever that looks like for you, whatever you're doing, however you're compromising to get more of that, because I know that game, that's what's wearing you out. That's what's burning you out for this context. Now, obviously there's a million different things that can burn you out.

All I can do is share my story and share the things that God gives me to share. But for me, that's what was wearing me out. And that's where my battery was running dry. So she only came to me because the battery that she previously had ran dry. So for this context, we're saying that the battery, the people, they're not a sustainable source. So what is a sustainable source? I want to share something with you guys that I do on a consistent basis. I've been doing it for

I've been doing it for years, but I've not done it this way, except for like the last year. A meditative practice, a meditative practice, and as simple as, don't let that spook you out, don't let that scare you, it can be as simple as a morning walk. Earlier today, I posted on social media the benefits of a morning walk. I do what I call walking talks. I do them with God, I do them with myself.

and I do them with other brothers in the church, walking talks, and just other brothers in life. We just get out on a trail and we walk, man. The benefits of walking, this meditative movement of getting, as I like to say, get to God before the world gets to you. Get to you before the world gets to you. Get into this meditative movement, this flow, where you can be reminded of who you are.

what you are, why you are, where you can be reminded of the goodness that you are, that the goodness that you have. Where, and this is where I wanna make it super, super simple and relevant. When you take these morning walks, if that's what you choose to do, you can get into yoga, you can get into just traditional meditation, you can call it prayer, whatever you wanna do. But I know that I'm speaking to...

to men who are of faith and faith leaders and things such as that. So maybe you are already praying and sometimes that concept of prayer, that routine of prayer, maybe you're reading your Bible and then you're trying to like pray a scripture, maybe that way of doing it just isn't doing it. And what I discovered was when I get out into nature, when I get out into outside and I move my body,

Not at a fast pace, a hard pace, but just to get out and just move my body to stretch, right? To pray in a way that's saying I'm aware and I'm open to, I'm available to my awareness being expanded, increased to the truth concerning me. To the truth concerning me. Because if your current source is the people,

and their approval and appreciation and validation, if that's your source and that's not sustainable and you're burning out, I want you to tap into the sustainable source, the source that sustains you, the source that has been sustaining you. God blew the breath of life into you and we became a living being. We were already in form, but the breath of life gave us movement, us animation.

We've been being sustained by the source, but sometimes we don't look at the source as the source of our daily energy, of our daily inspiration and motivation. It's really like a tweaking of your perspective on who God is and what God is and what God is doing in and through you. But it takes this meditative movement. It takes this morning time where the sounds of life are silent. When I get out there in the morning, four in the morning, five in the morning,

The only thing I'm listening to is crickets, maybe some birds chirping here or there, maybe an owl up in ⁓ the tree hooting and carrying on. But for the most part, I can hear my footsteps and I can hear the voice of God. I can hear that inner voice, that inner dialogue that I'm allowing, that I'm availing to God to say, God, there are some things that I think about myself or feel about myself.

that may not be true, that may not be accurate, and I'm leaning to other people that are not a sustainable source for the inspiration, for the motivation, for just the energy levels that I need to go about my day. And it's through that time that I've learned that there are revelations that come, insights that come, magical ideas that just drop into your heart.

When you avail yourself, when you make yourself available in this way, you're not going into this time with an agenda. You're not trying to prove nothing to God. You're not trying to win God's approval, win God's love, because that's what you're on the outside of that moment. Right? That's what's wearing you out. You're trying to get the approval of your spouse, of your children, of your boss at work, of your pastor and leaders at church.

those in your community. You're trying to get their approval. You're trying to do something in order to elicit their applause and their acceptance of you. And that's what's wearing you out. Remember the wear out, the overwhelm is here. The burnout is here. And let me say this also in closing. The other thing that wears us out are the meanings that we give things. So many times, man, there are situations that are happening in our lives.

And we unknowingly assigned them a meaning out of the old process, out of the old patterns, that childhood stuff, because it looks like what it looked like when we were a child. My therapist helped me out a lot with this. I grew up being bullied a lot. And my therapist had to check me so many times to say, Trevelle, you are assigning this situation in your life the context of being bullied.

But you're not being bullied. You're a 49 year old man. Well, at that time, 48. You're a 48 year old man. You're not being bullied. They're not a bully. They're not doing anything to you. You're imagining that they are because the only frame of reference that you have is that childhood when you were bullied, when you couldn't defend yourself. But you can defend yourself now. And in fact, you don't even have to defend yourself. There's nothing to defend. You can say no.

You cannot do that and nothing's gonna happen. But see, what happens is we make it up in our minds because the only frame of reference is what we used to do, what we used to experience as a child. Well, in this meditative movement, those things start to unfold, those things start to unpack. You're making space for you to see things differently. That's why I say your change, your change, not my change, my change, I'm...

I'm working on my, your change is possible. You have to believe that your change is possible and a part of your change being possible, the change of not being overwhelmed, not being burnt out. It's possible because you have the autonomy, you have the self-governance of being able to set your alarm a little earlier in the morning and getting up and getting out just like Jesus did. If you want to go Bible, just like Jesus did, right? My favorite passage, Mark 1 35, right? Getting up early in the morning.

Right? it was still dark, leaving the house, going to a solitary place where he prayed, Simon and his companions went to look for him. And when they found him, they exclaimed, everyone is looking for you. Jesus says, let us go into the nearby towns and villages where I can preach there also, for this is the reason I have come. Man, man, that scripture has inspired me over the years, because it showed me

The priority of prayer, it showed me the priority of getting up early and getting to the Father, getting to God before the rest of this world gets to you, and then being able to be on purpose. So guys, that meditative movement, it opens up so much. It creates a space for you to begin to see things differently, see yourself differently, see God differently, see your spouse differently, see your kids differently, see the situation differently.

So I want you to begin to meditate in that. I want you to begin to practice that, put that to practice. Get up five minutes earlier, 10 minutes earlier, 15 minutes earlier, whatever that looks like for you. Don't gotta be a lot, but just get up earlier and get to that meditative movement, that space. You got a home treadmill, do that. You got a home gym, do that. Or just go outside and walk up and down your block. You ain't gotta go far. But you're getting to yourself. You're getting to your inner life where life is lived.

before everyone else wakes up and gets to demanding something of you. No one's asking you to do anything, demanding something of you, requiring something of you, expecting something of you. And then you can also learn in this time to not do that to yourself because a lot of this stuff is self-inflicted. We learn that the world is demanding certain things of us and then we adopt that mess and then we start demanding things of ourselves. And that really wears you out.

So that's how I hit that wall a year ago. I had so much demand that I was placing on myself. I even talk about that in my book, What Is Enough, right? Shameful plug. My book, What Is Enough? If I had it sitting on a desk or something, I show it to you. But if you've not gotten my book, what is enough, right? That's the question, but that's also the answer. What you are is enough. You just have to discover that you are enough. You have to discover what you are, but then also discover that that...

what you are, that's enough. But it's a revelation. It's a work. And that revelation and that work happens in this morning meditative movement. So I just wanted to share that with you guys. ⁓ Hope and pray, man, that it has added some value, given you some things to think about. As always, guys, reach out to me. Iamthepossible.com. Iamthepossible.com. If you're interested in more, yeah.

questions, you're interested in one-on-one coaching with me. If you are a faith-informed ⁓ organization and you're looking for a speaker, you're looking for someone to come in to do some coaching or some training for your leaders, I'm available. Right? Iamthepossible.com. Reach out, hit me up. Let's get on a call. Let's see how I can show up, serve and support your success and the success of your organization as a whole. All right. That's it for today, man.

Love you guys, praying for you guys, believing in you guys. Until next time, remember, your change is possible.