the 4 words EVERY teenager needs to hear NOW, but their parents NEVER say!

There are 4 words your teenage child wants and NEEDS to hear from you....

Struggling to connect with your kid, teen, or young adult? 

Most parent-child communication breakdowns come down to one thing: kids are wired for independence and identity, and parents don't know how to speak to that. 

In this video, you'll learn the four simple words — "__ __ __ __?" — that open real dialogue, build trust, and close the generational gap between you and your child.

Why it works: when you say these 4 words, you tell them their voice matters!

That's the foundation of parent-child communication, emotional connection, and trust-building — and it's the single biggest shift you can make in how you talk to your teenager or young adult today.

In this video:
✔ Why parents and kids feel like they're speaking different languages
✔ The real reason behind teen independence and identity-seeking behavior
✔ The 4 words that transform parent-child communication instantly
✔ How to build trust and emotional connection with your child or teen
✔ Simple ways to create a judgment-free space for real conversations

If you're looking for parenting tips, child communication strategies, or how to connect with your teenager, this one's for you.

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Transcript

Treveal C.W. Lynch (00:00)
Welcome to the I Am the Possible Podcast. Experience the place where possibilities become perspective. Welcome, welcome, welcome into the space, into the place. Today, we are talking about the four words. Every child, teenager, young adult, your child, every child wants to hear.

And needs to hear, but parents never say. Have you ever struggled with getting through to your child, communicating with your child, connecting with your child? It's like you're speaking one language, they're speaking a different language. It's like they have expectations, you have expectations, but the two never connect, right? It's like you're living on two different planets, it's like you're

⁓ like you're living two different lives, two different worlds. It's like there's this, there's this built-in disconnect. Maybe it's our age, maybe it's you know, we grew up in a different time, ⁓ we were raised differently. These are some of the things that come to mind when I consider what parents usually say, the excuse that parents usually give to the disconnect between them and their child, especially.

In the preteens, teens, and young adult years. But today I'm gonna share with you four words that are gonna help you to connect in a way that you've never been able to connect before. And as always, it's gonna be simple, it's gonna be like a no-brainer when you hear it. It's always that way, right? It's the simple things, it's the little adjustments.

That makes all the difference in life. And so today I'm going to share with you four simple words that are going to open up a world of communication and connection. Now, the words are simple. The sentence is simple, but it is significant. It is powerful. It is something that, if you allow it to be, it can be the catalyst.

To literally changing the relationship that you have, improving the relationship that you have with your child. Now, before I get into what those specific four words are, I want to lay a foundation. And I think it's always good to lay the foundation because once you hear the words, once you understand what your child needs to hear and has been longing to hear, perhaps you've never said before, or at least said with

the right intention.

Once you have the foundation, once you understand where they're coming from, where they're at, where they're going, it's going to make everything so cohesive, so congruent, so connective. You know, so many times we often do things, but we don't know how they connect. We don't know how the pieces of the puzzle connect. It's it's it's like dumping out a box.

Of puzzle pieces. And you know they're all there. You know they all have a place. You know that they all fit somehow, some way, but it's not until you start to snap them together that you become encouraged and you become this you you you start to see the picture come together that it all starts to make sense. And so I want to lay a foundation because that's going to help you make way more sense.

Of the four words that I'm going to share with you. So understanding where they're coming from, understanding where they are, understanding where they're trying to go. Here it is. As a preteen, teen, younger dog, your child is concerned about two things, and it's no fault of their own. It's just how it is. How God designed us. It's just how we naturally flow. So it's not an indictment against them. Don't blame them because you were the same way. You just didn't know.

That it was happening within you, right? Maybe that's the first point. Always understand and consider that wherever they are, you were. Whatever they're going through, you went through, right? That that's that's always a great place to start, right? To just make sure that you are communicating, looking to connect, doing life with your child with mad respect for the fact that you've gone through what they're going through.

So sometimes we just need to take a step back and not pretend like they're doing something you didn't do or saying something you didn't say or thinking something you didn't think. But that really wasn't what I wanted to share as my foundation. So here it is.

The age and the stage in which your child finds themselves makes it so that they are concerned with two very important things: independence, identity. Independence, identity. They are concerned with those two things more than they're concerned with anything else. And that's a natural flow to life because as they

Start to get into those preteens, teens, and young adult years, biologically, they're preparing. Psychologically, they're preparing. Emotionally, they're preparing, right? For adulthood. The body, the mind, the nervous system, it all knows. It's all designed perfectly by the creator to naturally evolve.

to naturally develop, to naturally flow from one stage to the next. And many of us as parents, we grew up, we were never taught these things. We were never told these things. No one ever, no one ever shared with me, hey, when you're 14, 15, 16, 17, all you really care about is finding your independence, finding your identity, establishing yourself in the world.

Although cognitively you're not there yet. You're not really ready yet. You're still developing the mind, the brain, the tissues, the neural pathways, everything is still connecting, finding its way, developing, coming together. You're not there yet, but you should be aware that that's happening within you. No one ever, you know, no one sent me the memo.

And if you are a parent, anything like me, no one sent you the memo either. And so even some of this language that I'm sharing with you, it may come across like, man, what are you talking about? Well, those are the two most important things to your teenager, to your young adult. They want to know who am I? Identity. And they want to know where am I going? Independence. How am I going to get there?

They're starting to be concerned with establishing themselves in this world. They're looking to establish their position in this world. And many times the disconnect that occurs between the parent and the child is because the parent is trying to establish or trying to establish a particular order in the home or ⁓

Like me, sometimes there's a lot of insecurities, there's a lot of ⁓ past hurts, trauma that's mixed in there. And so as a parent, we're insecure, we feel that we're inadequate, we don't feel like we know enough. who are we to be parents? We don't understand what our child is going through, we don't understand why they say what they say, do what they do, some of the mistakes that they make. All of this is very scary and disorienting.

And so we cling to what we know. Many times we try to control, right? What we fear, we attempt to control. Because through the control, we have a sense of safety. Even though it's a false sense, if I can control it, if I can dominate it, at least I'm not as afraid. Because if I can control my child, I know where they're gonna go, I know what time they're coming home, I know what they're watching, I know I know what they're listening to, right? All all of this, you know, control, helicopter mom, helicopter dad, right.

We we sometimes default to that mechanism. Not because they're such a bad child, but because we're dealing with our own insecurities because of the things that were done and said to us as a child, or some of the things that we never developed, skills that we never picked up. And so internally, unknowingly, subconsciously, we feel we feel inadequate. We feel like we don't know what we're doing. And I'm gonna save that for a whole nother show.

We don't really need to know as much as we think we need to know as parents. Okay. ⁓ so understanding where they are, the age and stage that they find themselves, independence, identity, that's a tunnel vision for them. They still love you, they're still there, they're still present, they're doing what they're doing, but the intent of their heart, the intent of their minds, the intent of this stage information.

Has them extremely focused on identifying, establishing, getting a hold of those two things. So that would lay a foundation for you to go into the conversations, to go into

Or back into or continue in the relationship that you have with your child. Many parents don't know that. Many parent parents are unaware of what's happening biologically with their child because they went through it. We went through it. I went through it. But again, I didn't have anyone to share with me to let me know, hey man, you're at the age right now. I get it. You're trying to establish yourself, right? ⁓

And so I think that's the first thing that we want to understand is the foundation, understanding where they are. I think that helps to clear up a lot of what we can perceive as parents as ⁓ they're so disrespectful. ⁓ they're they're off to themselves, ⁓ they're always in their room, ⁓ they're always running with their kid, ⁓ their kids, running with their ⁓ let me slow down, running with their friends, ⁓ you know, not answering the phone.

Right, all of these things are being played out not because they wake up with the intention to upset you or piss you off or disrespect you or be rebellious. Again, because the brain is still developing, with all due respect, these are immature expressions and behaviors. Sometimes they don't have yet.

The skills, the language.

The tools emotionally, psychologically, yet to be able to express themselves in a way that comes off as being mature and respectful. So I think that's the second point. Give them that grace, give them that space to make what we would consider mistakes, but they're just trying to find their way.

I think the empathy is major here. I think the understanding is major here. I think keeping these things front of mind is major here because it's going to put you in a state where you're going to approach conversations, engagement, even conflicts with a different level of maturity, even in yourself. Respect even.

In yourself, for yourself and for them. And it's it's just gonna make for ⁓ a better energy when you're engaging. And the relationship is going to experience a different level of connectivity and congruency. Because being front of mind with these things or having these things front of mind is gonna just cause you to come off.

Much more nurturing, much more caring, much more concerned. Which leads me to the four words. You ready for them? I know you're ready. Lean in. All right, here we go. What do you think?

That's it.

⁓ man, are you serious? Are you serious? Hold up, hold up. Give me, give me a minute, give me, give me a second. It's gonna all make sense in just a moment. I was building you up. Come on, hold on. Yeah, it is that simple, but hold on, it's extremely significant. What do you think?

Has anyone ever asked you?

What do you think? With sincerity, genuine curiosity, genuine concern, genuine care. They were serious. They weren't asking it flippantly. They weren't trying to be sarcastic. They weren't trying to be funny. They weren't trying to undermine you, undercut you. They actually cared about your opinion.

They actually cared about what you thought. What do you think? Listen, as parents, it is so important to understand that your words.

Contribute to shaping their world view. Did you catch that? Your words contribute to shaping their world's view. Think about this as a parent.

You get first crack at them. They hear your vo your voice first. When they were born, they heard you say, This child is so beautiful. I love this child. I love you. ⁓ you know, ⁓ whatever other words you use when the first when the child was first born. They heard your words first. And they hear your words most often. You have immediate access and consistent access.

They're hearing you more than they're hearing anyone else. They've heard your words more than they've heard anyone else's words. Your words are helping to shape their world view, the way they view the world. If they think the world is safe, it's probably because you use language that make them feel safe. If they think the world is horrible, horrible place.

It's probably because you're using words and allowing words to be used around them that create and cultivate like a fear-based mentality, and they don't feel like the world is is safe. For example, I grew up in a home

Where cussing, ⁓ people, you know, arguing, domestic violence, as we used to call it, calling you out your name, cussing you out, that was a regular thing. That was a regular occurrence. I heard that often. I saw that, I witnessed that. What it did in me was it informed me that life isn't safe.

People aren't safe. People will betray you, stab you in the back, misuse you, abuse you. ⁓ if you cross people the wrong way, they will hurt you, they will harm you. This is just an example from my own background. The things I saw done to my mother, the things I saw done to other women, the things I saw men do, the things I heard men say, men in my family, men in my neighborhood, my surroundings, my environment, those words.

Informed me and it helped to shape the way I viewed the world. And so, what do you think? Consider how powerful that really is. When someone asks you, what do you think? And they really want to know.

How do you feel?

Think about that. How do you feel? It's been said that people will forget what you've done for them, but they'll never forget the way you made them feel. See, words create emotions. They trigger emotional responses. And those emotional responses become little

Micro many experiences within our bodies, and our bodies don't forget. Our bodies store, they're like a storehouse. Your body stores the emotional response to the words being used around you. That's why I said the words are simple yet significant.

Your words are helping to shape their world's view. How they view the world is based a lot on the words that you use most often. So the first thing I want you to do is consider how you feel because it's probably how they will feel. Do you feel respected once when someone says, What do you think? Do you feel like you're

Being considered, being seen, being heard, being loved, being accepted, being included. Are those some of the things that come up for you? Yeah. Well, if they're coming up for you, guess what? They're probably coming up for them as well. Yeah. Yeah. This is why this is such a game changer. Because, like I told you, this is why I laid the foundation.

If I'm someone, I'm the child, and what I care about is independence and identity, and I have a parent that is asking me, What do I think? They're actually leaning in to actually hear and consider and embrace and honor and respect what I have to say. Wow. That goes so far for their identity.

Man, you're building it up. You're building up a strong identity within them. And wow, independence. Wow. I have a voice in this world. Wow, I've got something to say, and someone wants to hear it. Do you know how many kids are on social media because the parents don't pay them no attention? I I see all the stats, all the statistics all the time. Parents worrying about their children because they're always on social media. They're always on Instagram, Snapchat, X, TikTok.

Right? They're always on their phones. And I'm not saying this is always the case, but if you are a parent and you mad, worried about your child always being on their phone, always being on social media, you gotta start with yourself. How often are you giving them your attention? How often are you asking them what they think? Because on social, they have the freedom to post what they think and they can get a response.

So sometimes social media ain't so much of the devil. Sometimes it's their only friend because that's the only space that they can actually voice their opinion and actually get feedback. Even if it's negative, at least they're getting attention. Mmm. At least they're getting attention. And sometimes, and this they've been there have been studies done.

Even people that get abused will sometimes choose continuing to be abused, hurt, harmed, physically, emotionally, because at the very least, I'm getting some attention.

Getting some attention in the worst way, but at least I'm getting some attention. And so we have to ask ourselves: if it makes me feel great, it's probably going to make them feel great. And what happens? When someone makes you feel great, what do you want to do? You want to be around them more. You want to talk to them more. You want to open up more. You want a stronger relationship.

You want a stronger bond. You want a stronger connection. Yeah. So, hey, parent, mom, dad.

If you want a better connection, a better relationship, a better channel of communication, maybe their opinion, maybe their voice, maybe what they think needs to be front and center more often. Because the truth is, just because we're older, don't mean we know more. We have more experience.

But it doesn't mean that we know so much that we know what they need to do and what they need to be about and where they need to be going and what they need to be doing. I know it's simple for us to feel that way and to think that way. It's default and it's generational. My mama raised me like this, my mama, my daddy raised me like this, so I'm raised you like this. The way we were raised does not make the way we were raised right. News flash.

Maybe they were doing the best they could do because the generation before them were doing the best they could do, and the generation before them were doing the best they could do, but it doesn't mean that any generation was right. It just meant they were doing the best they could do. Now that you know better, do better. If you're watching this, if you're listening, you now know better. Now you are able to do better.

What do you think? Four words that would change a child's life. I want to tell you why. I wrote them down. You guys know I take my notes. I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget them. All right. Number one, the reason this is going to change the dynamics of your relationship is going to help build their identity. It's going to help nurture their independence. Is because those four words are going to, number one, build trust.

When someone knows that someone cares about what they think, there's a trust that is built that can't be explained.

Again, you have to consider how you feel and how you think. How often do you go into places where your voice is not heard, not welcomed, your opinion don't matter. How how often do you hang around those people? How how often do you frequent those places? Yeah. You don't trust that you matter in those spaces and places where you can't never get a word in edgewise.

Every time you speak up, you're dismissed. Every time you say something, you're discredited. Huh? You know how we used to say old school parenting, ⁓ you got, you know, it's time for dinner, right? And you got the the grown folks table. And then you got the child's table over there. It was a separation. I don't know how much damage it did, but it but now that I look back on it, it's like a weird dynamic. It's the grown folks' table, and then you got the the little kitty table.

I guess logistically there's some value to it. But I think a lot of that was we talking grown folks' talk, which was nothing but a bunch of mess, foolishness, gossip, cussing up a storm, smoking cigarettes and cigars and drinking and acting a fool. We weren't talking about nothing. We wasn't talking about nothing. We were acting a fool, and we just didn't want our kids to be right in the midst of it. But it wasn't like their ears were so ⁓

Protected because they were just a few feet away at the kitty table. So they still smelled the smoke, they still saw the drink, they still heard the words, they were still a victim of it, they were still being influenced by it. But somehow in you know, generations past, we conjured up in our crazy thinking that if we keep the adults at one table and the kids at another table, somehow that was doing something. No, it wasn't doing it wasn't doing a doggone thing.

But damaging those children's psyches. I'm one of them. I can speak to this because I've done this. Okay. I've been there and done this. So the number one thing is it's going to build trust. It's going to build trust. Okay. Before I go down too much of a rabbit hole. You're going to build trust because you trust people that trust your opinion. It's a natural thing. So, parents, if you want a better connection with your child, consider what they think. Actually honor it, follow through on it.

Unpack it, integrate it into your home, right? Take some action on it, make it, make it tangible, make it, make it actually mean something, right? Ask these quality questions, get these quality answers. Yeah, right. Remember, your home, your home, mom, dad, that should be, in my opinion, their first classroom, their first church, their first community.

Their first corporation. They should learn skill sets in all four of those areas in the home first. So when they get out into this big, crazy, scary world, at least they have a foundation, at least they have a frame of reference, at least they have something that they've been exposed to, that they can then cross reference the madness that they encounter on the streets and.

on the campuses and on the jobs and the here's and the theirs, and they can say, well, hmm, this ain't how it's done at my house. That ain't how mom and dad do that. That that's not how business is done in in my home. I can't tell you how many times I've had conversations with my children and they've been at a friend's house or ⁓ at some event or something like that. And

Just organically, somehow we'll get around to talking about it after the event. And they'll share, you know, the dynamics that we have in our home is is pretty is pretty special because my friends don't don't have this. They don't have both parents in the home. They don't have ⁓ these these these roundtable conversations. They don't they don't have these these safe spaces that are created for us to express ourselves.

etc etc they don't have these things and listen man by the grace of god and by a lot of reading and studying we've been able to establish it within our home for our four children if i haven't already said it ⁓ if anyone's looking for credibility for adult children 26 years of parenting okay let me just put that little plug in there so this is all coming from experience all right let me wrap it up two more things two more things let me get my glasses on so I can see these other two things over here

though so number one is it's gonna build trust. Number two, it's going to establish respect. Don't you respect people more when they respect what you have to say? I know I do. I know I do. One of the one of my pet peeves, one of the things I can't stand. I cannot I hate it with a passion. Someone asked me my opinion, or they asked me my recommendation, or they asked me.

what I you know would would would want to do and then I share it I give it and it's just glossed over it's like man why did you even ask me what wh why did you even bother asking me if if if at the very least you weren't gonna unpack my recommendation if you weren't gonna unpack and go a little further with what I had to share why'd you even ask me? Why didn't you just do it your way? Right? Don't even bother messing with me right

And so you build respect. They feel respected as an individual. They feel respected as someone establishing their independence in this world. Again, it's the worldview. So now when they head out into this world, they're heading out feeling as though they are someone who is respected. When people don't feel respected long enough, they become the folks that we don't.

Like the bad guys, right? The criminals in society. They become the folks that we put in jails and and we incarcerate, right? They they they they become the people in court. And it's not because they're so evil to their core, it's because a lot of them, if you were to listen to their story, if they were to share with you their story, just like villains in in the superhero movies, every villain has a backstory.

There there is you will be hard pressed to find a villain in a superhero movie that didn't have a story where they were just sincerely hurt, damaged, something horrible happened to them, someone did something horrible to them, someone said something horrible to them, and they made it up in their mind that they were gonna lash out or they were gonna get.

Get their payback, right? Very few, if any, villain is created just because they're a bad person. We all have a story. And at some point, someone did something or said something, or we saw something that caused us to take it upon ourselves to begin to say, Well, if I don't get respect any other way, I'm gonna make you respect me by hurting and harming you, or hurting and harming something in.

In our world, right? So you're gonna build that respect. You're gonna give the respect, you're gonna get the respect with those four words. And then finally, as I wrap it up, finally.

Well, I already talked about creating a greater connection. So I'm not gonna go go back over that one. Lastly, developing confidence. So there was actually four things, but I already talked a whole lot, a whole lot about creating that better connection. So for this one, this last one, it's gonna build confidence. It's gonna build confidence in them. When you say, what do you think?

And you allow them to share what they think. And then you allow them to act on it and to live it out and to not impose and to not try to control and dominate, ⁓ even try to advise them away from the thing that they feel is the right thing to do. ⁓ then they're gonna start to build self-confidence. You know how we like to say, You got this, you got this. Well, a lot of people don't feel like they got this because their entire lives.

Everything that they've ever shared or said was always shot down. You get shot down enough, you get discredited enough, you get overlooked enough, you're not gonna feel very confident. Remember, confidence at its root word just means trust. So you're helping your child build trust in themselves, which is all about that independence and that identity. So see how it's all starting to connect.

With those four easy words, what do you think you can actually contribute to their identity being one that is based in confidence? And as they're establishing their independence, it can be based in confidence because they're learning to trust themselves an identity based on self-trust, a independence based on self-trust.

Some of your children, your teens, your young adults, some of them are not moving out because they don't trust themselves. Some of them are not going back to college because they don't trust themselves. Some of them are not productive in life because they don't trust themselves. Some of them are not doing things that they are capable of doing that God has gifted them to do. They're not very ambitious because they don't trust themselves. Because I'm gonna just say it, mom, dad, you ain't built no trust in them.

You ain't built no you have not been intentional about building trust in them for them by them. And with these four words, what do you think? You can actually open up a conversation that opens up.

The opportunity. It opens the door. It gets it going. It starts to process. So please, please. Start to say these words. Start to say these words. Not because I said so. Not because you think it's going to be a quick fix. Not because you think it's going to get you through the next conflict.

They can smell phoniness, man. Kids, they they can smell it. They can sense it. They can see it.

Don't don't be phony with it. Let this sit on you for a while. Pray about it. Think about it. Consider it, whatever you need to do, until it's something that you want to do. Because you actually want to do it. Not because you're just trying to get through a moment of conflict. All right. That's it, guys. That's what I wanted to share. Four words that every child, teenager, young adult.

Wants to hear and needs to hear, but parents

They don't say it. At least they don't say it enough. All right. Hope and pray that I have added value and hope and pray that I have invested in some way, somehow, in you cultivating a greater connection and channel of communication with your child. Love you guys, praying for you guys, believing in you guys. This is and has been another episode, another experience here in the I Am the Possible Universe.

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Practice. God bless you.