The christian parenting mistake that pushes teens away

Are you struggling to connect with your teenager? 

If you feel like you're constantly fighting for control, this episode on parenting teenagers will change how you think about raising kids for good.

Most parenting advice teaches control, correction, and pushing kids toward who we think they should be. 

This episode flips that script. 

True parenting leadership isn't about forcing your child into a mold — it's about observing, supporting, and celebrating who they already are.

In this episode, I break down what it really means to "train up a child" — not dictating their path, but helping the dedicate themselves the one that's already been laid out for them!

You'll learn:

How to shift from controlling to observing your teen — and why this parenting mindset shift changes everything

Why so many parents of teenagers feel inadequate, and how that hidden pressure fuels unnecessary conflict

How to support your child's natural strengths without manipulation, fear, or pressure

Practical communication strategies for building trust with your teenager and encouraging open, honest conversations

So if you're tired of power struggles and ready for a better way to connect - watch now!

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Transcript

Treveal C.W. Lynch (00:00)
Welcome, welcome, welcome. You know what it is. You know where you are. Yes, yes, yes. It is that time. Once again, it is the I am the possible podcast experience. Yes, the bonus track. But it is still the place where possibilities become perspective. Guys, welcome into the space and into the place. I is your host, Treveal C W Lynch. Mr. What What?

And I am here, man on mission to help you use what you already have to get what you've always wanted. We specialize in resourcefulness, creativity, the imagination, innovation, right? Of the things that God has already given us in order that we might do, be, have, and everything else in between that God has purposed for us to enjoy and to experience in this life.

Today we are going to be talking about parenting. This is a bonus track, but we're going to be talking about parenting and the possibility of parenting your teenage child in the way that is going to create way better connections, communication. It's just a whole new approach to parenting. And so we labeled this one. We call this one, you know, what Christian parents were never taught about raising their teenagers.

This one is really specifically for people of faith, right? Because I'm gonna use a very popular passage to really illustrate something that I think is extremely transformational, very powerful when it comes to parenting skills, but it's also gonna help just in the area of leadership in general. So let's get right into it. I'm not gonna hold you up. This is a bonus track. Let's just dive right into it. If you are a parent,

And you're struggling with connecting with your child, communicating with your child. You're struggling with maybe thoughts and feelings of being inadequate, not having the answers, not knowing how to be a parent, not knowing how to reach them, not knowing how to train them up in the way that they are to go. I want to offer this new perspective. I want to offer this new approach to parenting that I think is going to open up so much for you. And

The funny thing is we use this particular passage, but we rarely understand it. We rarely lean into what it's really saying and the freedom that it actually provides us as parents. Because for many of us as parents, we carry a lot of stress, a lot of weight, a lot of baggage. we carrying we we carry our own issues, our own problems, but then we're also

carrying the weight on the burdens of of our children. And a lot of it is because we've gotten it twisted. We think and we've been taught that we are to know enough. We are to to have enough so that we can teach our children what they need to do. Right. So it's like, I know the way. You know, this is how you should do it. This is what you should should do.

or I have enough financially to provide you this experience and that experience. And sometimes when we feel as parents like we don't have enough information, enough knowledge, experience, however that plays out, or we don't feel like we have enough resources, we we're not where we want to be financially to provide our children with the kind of life that we envision or we believe that they need, that can create so much.

Conflict and internal turmoil and internal pressure. And it just really shouldn't be that way okay?

Train up a child in the way they are to go. And when they grow old, they will not depart from it. If you are a Christian parent, you've probably heard that preached, you've probably read it in the Bible, you've heard it a million times. Raise a child, raise them up, train them up in the way they should go. Now, here's what most of us were never taught.

What the word trained means. The word train here does not mean I need to direct my child as to what they are to do, become, where they are to go. It's less about this dictatorship, is less about this guiding them and priding them and pushing them.

Based upon our own experience, our own knowledge, based upon our own background, you know, what mama and them did, what what daddy and them did. So now I I I've I've got to pass that on to you. Many times we as parents, we get caught up in trying to push tradition or trying to push the limited knowledge that we have, or trying to control and manipulate our children. Sometimes we don't need like I'm not saying that you are a manipulating parent. What I'm saying is sometimes we don't know any better.

We don't know that we're manipulating our children. We don't know that we're trying to control their lives. We don't know that we're being helicopter parents. We don't know this. We're just trying to do our very best. But it still comes off to them and it still results emotionally for us as like drama, right? So this is gonna cut out all that drama. Understanding what this word trained means. This word trained.

or train up a child, right? Train. The responsibility is more about guiding them in the way their life is already leading them. I want you to catch that. It's more about leading them, helping them, supporting them, coming alongside them to help them go in the way that their life

Is already leading them. In other words, it's more about the essence of leadership, which is observing what's already evident, what's already present in that child's life, and being someone, a parent, who's going to show up to help steer, reveal.

Encourage, applaud, celebrate, bring awareness to what God is already doing. So let me let me further break this down, make it as simple as I possibly can. This is the difference between, this is the difference between there's a fork in the road. You and your child, get this image in your mind. There's a fork in the road.

The traditional way of thinking as a parent. There's the fork in the road. If we go this way, as a parent, let's say it's a career choice. If if we go this way, that's stability, high income, high probability. If we go this way, the traditional, let's go to college, become a a doctor, lawyer, whatever it is. But you, as I always say, you name it, you frame it, you put it into your context.

But we're at a fork in the road, whatever that fork is for you. It's it's it's a decision making time, right? And you're saying, I, as a parent, maybe because I'm a a doctor, I'm gonna push you to the left to be a doctor or to get into the medical field because it's recession proof or it's stable or it's a high income based upon where you live.

So out of your goodwill, out of your good intention for that child, you think it's your responsibility as a parent to push them that way.

To train up a child in the way they are to go so that when they get old, they will not depart from it is about being a leader that steps back from the process and says, although I've gone this way, and this way looks most promising, I'm observing my child enough. I'm watching my child enough. I'm curious enough about my child. I'm asking them enough clarifying questions, I'm engaging with them.

I'm empathetic enough. I'm present enough to observe and to see what is most evidenced, what is most present, what is already at work within them. And saying, although I would have you to go this way, that ain't my job. This is the internal dialogue. You're saying, although I would have you go this way, that ain't my job. My job as a parent is to have you go this way, is to support the way that you're already leaning towards.

See, that's the magic. That's the magic of it. It's helping them lean towards the way that they're already going. Many times the conflict comes because their life is already leaning towards and leading them this way. And you, Mr. and Mrs. Know It All, right? That's the parent. We want you to go this way. We also we we we often want them to go this way.

Not only because we have good intentions for them, we want them to have this big grand future, but it's also out of fear. Sometimes it's also out of fear. Sometimes we're afraid. We're afraid that they're gonna fail. We're afraid that they are going to waste their years. Sometimes we're afraid, let's just be honest, keep it a buck. Sometimes we're afraid that they're not gonna make enough money and that they're gonna have to come back home with us. Whatever the fear is, it's fear based.

And that's when we get into the manipulation. We're trying to force them in a particular way. See, what we were never taught about training up a child is this observing, this contemplating, this meditative relationship with our child, where we're watching what do they talk about the most? What are their interests? What do they naturally do well? What are their organic natural

Free flowing competencies. What do they do and no one had to teach them? What are they engaged in and no one ever had to sell them on getting in involved? See, when you're always having to push and prod and force and lecture and convince them to do something, it's probably not, it's probably not consider, just consider. It may not be the way that they are to go.

It may be the way you want them to go. It may be the way you think they should go. It may be the way that relieves you of the fear and the burden of wondering how it's going to work out. Maybe it's been more about you than it is about them. And that's where we have to be careful. That's what I wanted to share in this bonus track. That's what we're not taught as Christian parents. We're not taught to identify our fears, our feelings of inadequacy, our

feelings of insufficiency. And let me go ahead and slide this one in there. Sometimes we're trying to live, what is it, vicariously? I think that's the word, right? Like we're trying to live through them. So we want them to do this thing over here because we never had the courage to do it. There are so many different things that we think our job is as a parent that's never been our job.

See how easy it becomes? It's not about force feeding, forcing and pushing and prodding. That's a lot of work, creates a lot of conflict, a lot of arguments, a lot of fear, a lot of uncomfort or discomfort, I should say, in the home and within you, and within them. But this grace feels this graceful.

way of because God's already empowered them to do something, right? So that's the grace already working within them. They've already been empowered to do something. And now God's graced you as a parent to be able to observe them, watch them, inquire of them, sit down for lunch or breakfast, take them out and and and just hear their hearts. Not always trying to get the upper hand, not always trying to get the last word, not always trying to make sure that you're guiding them.

No, they don't need as much guidance from us as we think they do. They need more of a supportive hand that helps to steer them as they flow in the way that God's already designed them to go. This word trained is really translated into more of a supportive role, a observing.

To be about what they're already about. It's not so much about making them do something that's like foreign to them. Right? Your child might be good at math, they love numbers, but you want them to be an English teacher or something, right? It's like two different worlds. You're talking Greek to them. So, what do I want to share more than anything else, right? As we say, if you don't hear anything else, hear this. Hear that.

It's so much easier. It works so much better as a parent to simply step back and watch where their life is already leading them. And then asking yourself, how can I best show up to help support the way that their life is already going? How can I do that? I'm not going to.

Give you my children's name or anything like that, but but I can at least give you some examples for my own life as I close. One of my sons, I meet with regularly, and he has a particular dream, he has a particular way of going. And for me, it's just having these regular meetups and allowing him to share his dreams, share his heart. And then maybe I need to give some advice, maybe I don't.

Maybe there's some blind spots he's not considering. Maybe he's not. But but never is it my job in those moments to steer him away from what's in his heart or to advise him away from what's in his heart. Now, I know many parents will hear this because we're already wired to know it all and to think we need to dominate the conversation. So even you listening to this, what may be coming up in your heart.

Is well, my child wants to do something crazy. I get that. I get that. But there's even work that can be done. And it takes so much. And I don't have time to go into it in this episode, but even when they want to do something crazy, there is a way, there is an approach to just trusting, trusting God, trusting yourself, trusting the process, trusting the seeds that you've sown in them.

Trusting the prayers that you've offered up for them and just being able to really let go of all of the emotional projection that we often do. And we're playing out this movie of how it's gonna play out and pan out, and none of it has even happened. There is even that work that we can do within ourselves to free us up of that burden of being stressed out, even when they want to do something that we would consider crazy. But again, as I close, my daughter.

She wants to go in a particular path. So I encourage her. I offer her resources. When I see something online, I share it. When I see something in the media, I share it. If I hear about something, if I have relationships, you know, locally, I try to make those connections. My point is this, and I do that with all of my children. My point is this. My job as a parent is to see what God is already up to in their lives. My job is to.

Pour gasoline on the fire that God lit. My job is to observe, to be curious, to be intrigued with, to be, to be captivated with the great thing that God has already designed them for and is already working in them and through them to accomplish. There is a way, there is a path that has already been laid out for them. And my job is to identify what that path is.

My job is to pray and say, God, open up my eyes, help me to see, help me to become aware of, help me to tune in and to tap into what's already going on within them. And then to share that with them. Hey, I see this in you. Hey, I see that you have a gift of this, a talent of this. Something else I did with my children. Set them down at this table and I had them do a spiritual gifts test that's revealing, right?

There's so many gifts tests, assessments, things that you can do with them and partner with your children in doing so that they can better understand themselves. Because it's really about you helping them to build agency and trust in themselves, knowing that their voice matters, helping them know that their voice matters, helping them know that they can make decisions, quality decisions, helping them know that they're not crazy, that although there are some stumbling blocks.

In their path or some challenges that may come up, helping them to be reassured, helping them to trust that the way that they are going is the way for them to go. It's not going to be without challenge, it's not going to be without difficulty. Those challenges and difficulties they have their own purposes. But the path that God has already laid out for them, helping them to be confident in that, helping them to be congruent within themselves, helping them to trust themselves.

In the midst of their own personal storms and chaos, knowing that their voice matters, that they can trust their own intuition, that they can trust the spirit of God that's living within them to guide them in the way that they are to go. And then when they talk to you, you're a voice that champions them, that that supports them, that asks more questions than gives more advice, that is more in that that is more inquisitive.

I think that's the word, like where you're inquiring more than you're trying to advise. And then listening closely, leaning in, being an empathetic listener, listening to the cues, listening to the words that they use, listening to their words as they describe where they are in life and where they want to go, looking at their body language, looking for those cues when they laugh, when they when they cry, when they when they when they look uncomfortable, and helping to

call that out, being a mirror to them, helping them to process those things. That's what parenting is about. That's what leadership in the home is about. It's not about domination. It's not about being a tyrant. It's not about being a manipulator. It's not about dominating. It's not about controlling. It's not about making them and forcing them to do it the way that you think they are to do it. It's trusting that God has already had a plan in place for their lives before they were ever conceived.

And understanding that that children are born to you, or rather, children are not born to you, but they're born through you, right? They're not your property for you to control and dominate, but they're rather a gift, something that you can partner with and that you can you can help support and guide. So I hope and pray that this is giving you something to chew on, to think about, to consider, to process, another.

Approach another angle, another perspective, another way, an a another practice. And as always, guys, I can only share so much on an episode, especially a bonus track, right? Because these are about 20-25 minutes. I can only share so much. If you want more information about this, if you want to connect with me in a coaching context, right? I coach parents, I help parents. If you want that one-on-one.

a coaching experience, then reach out to me. IamThePossible.com. There's links below. Click the links. Let's get on the call. Let's see if we're a good fit. I would love to see how I can show up, serve, and support your success as a parent. But I just wanted to kind of share that with you because again, that's what they don't teach us. That's what we're not taught. We're kind of taught without being taught. It's kind of said without being said. Hey, have control in the home. Don't

Don't let them disrespect you. Don't, don't let them, and sometimes them just going in the way that God's already already designed for them to go, it comes off as disrespect because we're insecure. It goes back to what we talked about at the beginning. Our insecurities show up as disrespect. They're sometimes they're not disrespecting you. Sometimes they're trying to find their way. Remember, two things that are on a teenager's mind. Number one, identity. Who am I in this big world?

And number two, they're trying to find independence. What am I going to do on my own for myself in this big world? And that can sometimes create tunnel vision for them. It's a natural progression. Most most teenagers don't know that it's happening. Most parents don't know that it's happening. And so sometimes that can come off as them being disrespectful, them being rogue, them being wild or

Whatever we label them stuff and we we we gossip about them or we talk to our friends about them and it's just not just not it. It's not always the case. Let me close with this: the more I have learned to be honest with myself and be honest with my children in open dialogue, framing the conversation with I don't know it all. This is what I'm observing, this is what I'm feeling, this is what I'm seeing.

And I'm interested in what you're observing, what you're feeling, what you're seeing, because I want to be able to partner with you as a parent. I want to be able to show up for you as a parent to support what God is already doing in you. That has helped me, my wife, over the last 26 years, going on 27 years of parenting for adult children who are, as I put it, which I think is very important, emotionally regulated, economically responsible.

Contributors to society, right? We are all contributions to the betterment, or at least we were created to be contributions to the betterment of our society. And by God's grace and by practices like this, we've been able to raise four children to adulthood who are showing up in the world to contribute positively and powerfully in the world. And so I just want to continue to share this, and I want to just continue to put this out there.

For anyone for any parents that that may be in need of it. All right. Hope and pray that that all made sense. Love you guys. Pray for you guys. Believing in you guys. Until next time, this is Treveal C. W. Lynch, Mr. What What Man on Mission to help you use what you already got to get what you've always wanted. And this is the I Am the Possible Podcast Experience, the place where possibilities become.

Perspective. Now do the thing down below. Subscribe, like, leave a comment, all those great things. Got a question? Click the link on any podcast platform. Submit your questions. They are anonymous. I will create a bonus track answering your question. If you want to support this podcast, click the link below. If you want to share this podcast, click the link below. If you want to anything with this podcast, click the link below. You want

Me as a coach, one-on-one coaching. Click the link below. If you are an event planner, you are someone who wants me to come in and deliver a keynote or a workshop or be a panel participant or facilitate a small group coaching session, whatever it is. If you want me to show up where you are and share more ideas like this, I would love to connect with you. Click the link below. Until next time. Remember.

These two so powerful things. Number one, change is possible. Your change is possible with practices like what we shared today. And number two, most importantly, come on, lean in, get close. Come on, lean in. Your presence is the permission that you have been waiting for. Many of you are failing to give yourself permission to enjoy and experience.

All that God has made possible. Listen, you're already here. You might as well learn to give yourself permission to experience and enjoy the fullness of God's blessing on your life.