Why 'Doing The Right Thing' Is Making You Miserable (3 reasons)

You’re doing the right things. Giving your best. Showing up. Helping others.

So why do you still feel empty, deflated, or defeated?

What if the problem isn’t what you’re doing—but what you’re unconsciously looking for after you do it?

In this episode, I share part of my own story and unpack a hidden pattern that can cause you to question your value, effectiveness, and whether your efforts really matter.

You may not need to do more.

You may just need to understand what’s happening within you while you’re doing it.

If you’ve been showing up, giving your best, and still wondering, Why do I feel like this?—this conversation is for you.

Transcript

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Treveal C.W. Lynch (00:00)
You did the right thing. You gave the right things. But somehow you still feel empty. Is that you today? You're doing all the right things. You're giving all the right things. But somehow, some way, you still feel like you're coming up short.

Today's episode in the I Am the Possible podcast, we're going to be tackling the three reasons that you may be doing your very best, giving your very best, trying your very best, and yet it just doesn't come out right. You feel empty, you feel deflated, you feel defeated.

You feel like what's what's it all about? What what does it even matter? I keep trying, I keep doing, I keep showing up. Why do I still feel as if nothing's changing, nothing's moving? Like my efforts don't matter, like my efforts aren't creating and producing for me the feeling that I desire to have as a result of the things that I'm doing. If that's you today, I'm

I'm speaking to you. I'm talking to you. I want to welcome you in to the I Am the Possible podcast experience. This is the place, the space where possibilities they do indeed become perspective. And today, guys, I want to give you a perspective about the things that you've been doing, how you've been doing them, why you've been doing them. And I believe that this is a conversation that I don't.

know if enough of us are having the the motive, the internal motive that doesn't always show up on our radar, doesn't always reveal itself. It's not holding a big flag and saying, hey, this is why you're doing what you're doing, and yet it's there. Before I get into those three things, I want to, I want to share my story.

At least a part of it to help illustrate, to help kind of unpack these three things that will cause you to do the right things over and over and over. But once you've done these right things, once you've given the right things, once you've provided the right things to the to the people around you, these three things are going to trip you up, keep you stuck.

Keep you feeling like what was it all for? I've experienced this for so long in my life. And so I think the best way for me to start this episode is to share with you how it's shown up in my own personal life. And to do that, I want to use this little balloon.

If you're if you're watching on the tube, and as I always say, you should be watching on the tube. If you have not subscribed to my YouTube channel, head over to I Am the Possible on YouTube. Just go ahead and type that in. I am the possible, one word, no space. And subscribe to the channel so that you can get the visuals that go along with the audios. All right. But I'm holding in my hand this yellow balloon, and I just want to kind of illustrate the way that it feels. The

The way that it, the way that it kind of plays out, right? I love visuals and I think visuals are very important. They say a a picture is worth a thousand words, sometimes just an illustration, something that you can see that kind of goes along with what you're hearing. It just kind of helps to bring things full circle. And so this is the way that it's played out for me. This is what comes to mind when I think about the cycle of doing the right things, providing the right things over and over and over, but still feeling.

Empty and deflated at the end. So it's like this balloon, right? The effort that you put in is like the air that goes into the balloon, right? You start off, you want to do something great, whether it's a goal or you want to provide something for someone, or it's a ministry, a business, a service, whatever it is, it's some sort of effort, it's some sort of contribution, it's something that you're giving, it's something that you're doing, it's some sort of of of expression, right? So the air going into the balloon is is that expression, it is that.

That effort, right? So here we go.

Right. We got we got the we got the effort going in.

Okay, all right. So now you tie it up. You do the thing, right? You do the thing. So now got your balloon. And man, this is the picture of everything, right? When the balloon is inflated, you're inflated. It's a picture of inspiration. You've been inspired to do a thing. There's something that you've been inspired to do.

You started the ministry. You started the business. You set the goal. Whatever it is, man. You're doing the thing for someone else. You're doing the thing for those around you. You're doing the thing for your community, for your church members, for your family members, for your spouse, for your kids, whoever it is, right? You're doing the thing and you're so excited. You're inflated, right? You're motivated, right? You have been inspired by this activity. And you can't wait to share this with those that.

That matter most to you. So now you are fully inflated, animated, and this looks like you. This is the picture of where you are as you're thinking about the thing, as you're doing the thing, and now you're doing it, and now you put it out there, and and then here you are. And then once you put it out there, unknowingly, you're dealing with these three things that I'm gonna share in just a moment.

All right, this ain't clickbait. This is some real talk stuff. All right. I'm never baiting you into something and then giving you some fluff, right? This is gonna be some real talk. So you got this going, right? All right. So

Soon after you do it, you start looking for these three things, but this is what happens. You ever have one of these balloons where you kind of pinch it on the end? Kind of take a little hole out of it. Now I want you to see if you can hear it here. Let me let me do it a little better.

There we go. All right. So you hear that? Let me put it up to the mic.

That's the sound of deflation. The air being taken out of your sails, the air being taken out of your balloon, right? You hear that?

Mm.

And now you're looking like this.

Yeah.

Until you're here.

You were so full of life. You were so animated. You were so inspired. You were so motivated. You were so built up. And without knowing it, these three things that you were looking for.

They didn't show up. And when they when they didn't show up, it resulted in you looking like internally and feeling like this. Deflated, defeated, discouraged.

Are you tired of you doing the things you know you should be doing? Doing the things you know are right for you to do, doing the things you know are of great value, but on the back end, you keep looking like and feeling like this internally. Are you tired of that?

This is how it looked for me. Because I had a story in my life where I I wanted and I felt I needed.

To have proof of my effectiveness. For years, I've wanted to be effective on my job, in my ministry, in my family, in my marriage, with my children, with life itself, with my friends. I want to be effective with this podcast. I want to know that I'm being effective. I want to know that my efforts are being effective.

rewarded. I I I want to know that what I'm doing matters to other people, that it's that it's doing something, that it's making a change. And even when I would get little hints here and there or people would give me feedback, it would only last for so long. And then I I would internally feel so defeated and so deflated because I was looking for these three things that I'm about to share with you right now. These three things, they didn't show up the way I wanted them to show up. They didn't play out the way that I wanted them to play out.

And I was using these three things as a measuring stick, as a criteria, as evidence or as as proof to whether or not I'm effective. And see that rabbit trail or that rabbit hole went further because the wanting to know that I'm effective that really came from a place within me where I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to matter. I want it to matter to other people. I wanted to be loved and I wanted to be appreciated.

Because of some of the things that I've gone through in my past, some of that childhood trauma where I got pushed to the side and shoved to the side, overlooked, abused. It created something within me where all I wanted in my older days, right? As I transitioned into adulthood. And now as I'm transitioning further into adulthood, that little part of me still springs up and it, and it

And it invades my effort, it invades my goals, it invades the work that I do. And it keeps showing up as: will they accept me? Do they accept me? Do I matter? am I effective? Is what I'm doing doing anything for anyone? And it would play out over and over and over. And I would do the thing.

And I would get all animated, like I showed you earlier with the balloon. I would get all animated. I would get all inflated, inspired because God would show me something. I would learn something new and I create something. I put out a podcast episode or I preach or I teach or I show up for speaking engagement. I would do something. I would I would coach someone in a session. But deep down inside, I wanted these three things to be.

What proved to me my effectiveness, my worthiness, my value, my enoughness, whatever you name, whatever you, whatever you frame it as, as I always say, you name it, you frame it, you put it into your context, whatever those words are for you, put your words around it. But the bottom line, let me bottom line this: the bottom line was.

Yes, I was doing the right thing, like you may be doing the right thing. I was giving the right thing, providing the right thing, like you may be giving the right thing, and and and you may be providing the right thing. But deep down inside, the issue was the problem, what led to me being deflated was there was still a part of me that were looking for these three things as my evidence, as my proof, as the criteria for whether or not what I just did, what I just gave matter.

And these are the three things that I want you to take to mind and take to heart. And if you've been deflated, if you keep being feeling feeling like you're defeated, if you keep you know, finding your place or finding finding yourself, feeling like, man, what what is it all for? If we can learn to eliminate these these three things that I'm gonna share now, I've been building up to, but if you can, if you could acknowledge these three things in yourself, address them head on.

And reframe them. You're gonna begin to do the, you're gonna, or rather, you're gonna continue to do the right things, but you're not going to get that deflated, defeated back end result that keeps showing up in your life. So here's here's the first one. And they're all based upon other people's. The Bible says that the fear of man will prove to be a snare. The fear of man, that word fear does

Not mean fear, trembling, terror. I'm you know, I'm scared, I'm timid. No, that word fear is translated as basically an overdoing of concern and reverence for other people. In other words, when you give people way too much credit, when you give people way too much reverence, when you revere people way too much, when you when you assign importance to people a

Above their pay grade, right? Above just the level of equality in humanity, it's gonna become a snare to you. And it's become and it's been for years a snare to me. And so all of these three things, they're gonna be other people's blank. All right. So here's in the first one: other people's results. All three are Rs, the three R's. The first one is results.

I did what I did, gave what I gave, and I was looking for other people's results. In other words, if I did something, if I preached, if I, if I, if I taught, if I coached, if I spoke, if I gave you advice, a part of me was looking for someone to do something with what I shared. Like their results. Did did they do anything with it?

And here's what I've learned. That is a poor criteria to base what you're doing on. Here's why. People are going to do what people are going to do. And I know that's so elementary, but it's been a lesson that I've had to learn a million times over. And I was just speaking with my therapist the other day, and we were laughing because the thing is, just like in the gym, right? Your muscles get bigger because of reps, so does your mental stability.

Reps, repetitions. You got to rep it out. There's no skipping the process. So sometimes you have to be reminded a million times. Those are just your reps. So for some of you, this is a reminder. Other people's results are not your responsibility. Because people are going to do what people are going to do. There's a million reasons why people don't do what you think they should. There's there's a million reasons. There are so many contributing factors.

To why someone does or does not do what they, what they, or let me put it this way, what you think they should do. Now, in their in their context, in their own heart and minds, they're trying to figure it out too. Because there's things that for the individual, there are things there, there are things that they want to do and they don't do, even like the Bible says, the things I want to do, I don't do, the things I don't want to do, I do, right? So there's this other thing that's working within me. Right. So even for them,

They can't figure out half the time why they can't do the things that they want to do. In fact, they may have listened to you, like they listened to me. And it was good at the time. And then when they left your presence, they had every intention in the world to execute on it, but for some reason, they didn't. There's a million reasons why. You would drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why. So the best way to kind of approach this is just cut to the chase. Focus on accepting the fact that there are deep waters to a person's mind.

Deep waters, deeper than the ocean. Find the deepest ocean in the world. Go down as far as that can go. The human mind, the human heart is deeper than that, my friend. You will never truly understand why people do what they do. So let's cut to the chase. Don't try to figure it out. Just know that your criteria for proving to yourself that what you're doing is worth doing should never be someone else's results. That's the first R.

It's their results. And that tortured me and tormented me for years. You get up there in the pulpit, you preach, they come up and they say, good word, good word, my brother, good word. They give you hugs, adapt, good word, good word. And then you see people's lives the the same. It's not about judging them. It's about it's really about me. Like I'm trying to be effective. I'm trying to prove to myself that what I'm doing matters.

And one of the criteria I'm looking for is did they change? Did they change? Did they change? I can't control whether or not they change. I can't control that. This has been one of the hardest lessons in the world for me to learn. Trying to get it through my thick head that I don't control what people do or don't do with anything that I share. So that's so that's the first R. Okay. Let me trade that off for my little box over here. Number two, and this is another one. the this this is gonna this.

This might resonate right here. All right. Well, I'm sure to some degree all three shall shall resonate to some degree. But this one, this is a big one. People's reaction. Or you can say slash response. In other words, for years I would do what I did, thinking that I did something great. And then I would be looking for how did they respond? How did they react?

Did they laugh? Did they smile? Did they hug me? Did they kiss me? Did they high-five me? What were the responses? You put something out, hey, take this survey or do this thing. How many responses did I get? I put out a hundred of these things. I only got one response. guess I'm not effective. I, you know, I did this, I went hard, I gave them extra.

I gave them extra value. I really went in that time. I was sweating and spitting, and I was really giving it my all and put that out there to all these folks. And how did they react? I was looking for this grand response, this grand reaction. And many of the times I would go all in. I would go above and beyond, right? Buzz light year, or maybe that's not Buzz Light Year.

Anyway, above and beyond, like a superhero, right? And that's a whole nother story for a whole nother time, right? Trying to be the superhero in everybody's story. But anyway, I digress. But going above and beyond, and people hear you out, they clap, and then they move on.

They move on. It's like, whoa, but wait, wait. I just did something great. I just shared a lot of value. What what what what hap what what what happened? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Let me just say this. Cause I also want to make sure that I address this. It's not like we get out the bed wanting to do the things that

We know we should do for these reasons. We're not doing them for the result or for the reactions and responses. It's just what you're looking for to prove to yourself. Like you know you're providing value. You know you're doing a good thing. You know that you're putting something out into the world, or it's just your joy and love to serve and support.

In a particular way. Like you know that you're doing the right things. But on the back end, you're looking for evidence. You're looking for proof somehow, some way. And when it doesn't show up the way you want it to, if you're not careful, then this is how you can, this is how you can really get yourself into trouble. Like I've gotten myself.

into trouble so many times emotionally playing this this roller coaster. So the first one was results. The second one was their reaction and their response. They didn't respond to me the way I wanted them to. They didn't react the way I wanted them to. I bought that person, that thing, that I didn't have to buy them. And I thought that they would express so much gratitude. And they barely said thank you. It took them some time to even just say thank you.

Why did I even do it? Why did I why did I even try? Right? The third and the last are and this one I think this one stings me the most sometimes when I really think about it. Because I I have a a disdain for what is the word for it? Entitlement. I have a I got a real problem with entitlement.

And I think sometimes this feels that way. But the last R is reciprocation. You do the thing for someone, you show up for someone, you help somebody out, you meet their needs, and it's not reciprocated. You open the door for someone else, but they don't open it for you. You say thank you, but but but they don't say thank you. You express your gratitude for the things that they do for you.

But you do the things for them and you get nothing but silence. I don't know what it is for you. But sometimes we're looking for people to reciprocate. We're looking for people to bounce it back. We're looking for people to do for us what we've done for them. And it doesn't happen.

And then you feel like that. Because your criteria was if they reciprocated back to me what I did to them, for them, that means that number one, they've acknowledged what I've done. They appreciate what I've done. And by me doing what I've done, it has helped them to do back to me what I've done for them. See how I kept making it about me.

See how I kept internalizing everything? And maybe you're doing the same thing. Maybe you're internalizing everything. And you're defeating yourself and you're deflating yourself because every time you put something out or you do something for someone else, you're looking for one of these three things to show up. And when they don't show up, you internalize it. And you say, Man, what's going on? It's like, why why why am I even

Is because these are the wrong reasons, the three wrong reasons that have shown up in my life for doing anything. These these should never be the reasons that you do what you do. And again, it's not like we wake up consciously saying, I'm gonna do X, Y, and Z for them, whoever them is, and I'm looking for the results. I'm looking for the reactions, I'm looking for them to to to reciprocate.

You're not consciously doing that. But subconsciously, if you're anything like me, where you grew up missing that approval, that acceptance, missing a part of you that should have been nurtured, but it wasn't for whatever reason. And now you're trying to get it back through effort, through your hustle, through your grind, through your showing up. These should never be the reasons.

That you reflect on or that you that you think about, that you give a lot of energy to once you do the things that you're doing. I wanna not only say or not only share the the three things that you shouldn't do, but I wanna give you three things that you can replace these with. I wanna give you three things that you can that you can try out as the three things that will keep you inflated. And I don't have another balloon in front of me, but

Three things that will keep you inflated rather than than deflated. Number one, let me check it off my box over here, got my little notes. Number one, resolve.

When you do the things that you do, reflect on the fact that you resolve to do it, that you follow through. You know how many people in this world, and this is not about comparisons, but think about the number of people in this world that have all the good intention. I'm gonna do the thing, I'm gonna do the thing, I'm gonna do the thing, and they just never get around to doing it.

Like we talked about earlier, there's a million reasons why people have the intention to do something, but something gets in their way and they never do it. They always fail to launch. But I want you to take a moment once you've done the things that you're doing and ref reflect on the fact that you resolved to do it. Do you know how awesome you are? Do you know how rare you are?

That you follow through on the things you said you were going to do?

You follow through. You have experienced resolve, resolute. I've set the course, I've set the goal, I've set the task, I've set the thing, and I took action, and I followed through.

Let that become your criteria. I followed through. Hmm.

I said I would. And I did. Yeah.

That's what's up. You ain't worrying about what other people do or don't do, with whatever you did. You're proud of yourself because you followed through. Number two.

Readiness.

You were ready. You were ready. You've taken the courses. You've gotten the higher education. You've got the life experience. You've listened to the words of wisdom from those that have gone before you.

You've you've you've taken in the information, the quality information over time that you've gathered online or social media or higher educational institutions or at church or within your family structure. You let that information

into your heart.

Marinate, as we say, and take a home and become a resident within you. The fact that you follow through, the fact that you did what you did and that you're doing what you're doing, it shows your readiness in life. You are a person who is ready. You are a person who is prepared. You are a person who is who is in a position to take action when necessary. You are a contributor.

Do you know how many people say, I wanna be a one day I'm gonna be a, one day I'm gonna do a, one day I'm gonna have a, and never do the work. They never prepare, they never get the education, they never acquire the knowledge, they never adapt the skills to be ready when called upon. You're a person of action, you're a person that's ready.

So when those who will appreciate, when the when those that will take action and have good results based upon what you're doing, when those who who will give you back what you give them,

Come seeking you. You're ready. You're ready. Think on that. You are a prepared person. That's awesome of you. That's really awesome of you.

Think about that. That's not small. That's not small. You're that kind of person. Lastly.

Regard Regard.

You are a person that cares.

May sound small, but it's huge.

We have, I think now, more reasons to not give a damn than ever before. I know we always say that, right? Now, like never before, and we ain't lived never before. But I think right now, with where we are, as a country, a nation, a society, a culture, whatever you want to call it.

Who we have a laundry list of reasons to throw in the towel, buddy. To just not give a damn, to just say, you know what? Folks, I'm done. This, that, I'm done. Whatever it might be for you. Like, baby out with the bathwater. Like everything goes. We have more reasons now.

To just have little faith in anything or anyone. All you gotta do is cut the news on. All you gotta do is start doom scrolling. Like all just expose yourself to anything that's on something electronic. This is this is not talking about walks in the park and and getting out into nature and and and no, no, no, no. I'm talking about the stuff that we're kind of like attached to.

We gotta get on our computers to go to work. We gotta be around co-workers. We gotta be on our computers to do X, Y, and Z. We gotta pick up our smartphones to do X, Y, and Z. Like, all you have to do is plug in to the world. And buddy, here comes the reasons to just, I'm over.

But you still have a resolve to regard other people. As many times as you've been let down, as many times as people have let you down, they have done you wrong, they have betrayed you, stabbed you in the back, misused you, abused you, as many things that you have gone through with folks, and many as many lies as they've told on you, as many times as they've not shown up for you.

My friend, you continue to regard others as something worthy of doing something for.

And that's major.

Yeah, here we go again. Come on. That's right. For those of you who are just listening, I'm patting myself on the back. As an encouragement to what you should be doing. Patting your sometimes you just need to pat yourself on the back. Sometimes you just need to say, Look at me. It's not arrogance, foolishness, all that nonsense. Not it's not not ego tripping and having a big head.

Sometimes it's just about giving yourself dignity, self-respect. Good job, me. Because sometimes you're waiting for somebody else to do it and it just they just not gonna get around to doing it.

Sometimes you gotta provide yourself your own pick me up.

So again, let me just run them down. You got resolve, you got readiness, and you got regard. Man, you cooking. You cooking.

So instead of worrying about the other three Rs, let's look at these three Rs. Let's practice this. As they say, we don't rise to the occasion. We fall to the level of our training. That training talks about training the mind and the mentals through repetition of thought and thought processes that improve our emotional well being, that helps us to regulate emotionally.

and helps us to be ready for the challenges at hand.

So guys, let's train this. Let's practice this. Let's integrate this into our into our lives, into our day. Yeah. And let's keep our balloon inflated. All right. No more, no more this. No more. No more that. Not not that life don't throw things your way. And we all got ups and downs. But in this context, when you're doing what you're doing, don't let

Don't let yourself look like this because of those other three R's that we talked about. All right? Love you guys. Praying for you guys. Believing in you guys.

This has been another episode here in the I Am the Possible Podcast Experience, the place where possibilities become perspective. And I hope and pray that this is giving you a greater perspective on the things that may be happening within you.