Boundaries: The 4-Day Rule for Guarding Your Vibe

What happens when your quest for "deeper relationships" crashes into your need for personal space? Jason and Jana Banana pull back the curtain on the "messy middle" of hosting and the emotional crashes that happen when boundaries remain unspoken.

If you’re a "people pleaser" who "pops" after days of accommodating others, this is your survival guide. We trade the limiting belief of being the "perfect host" for a mindset of radical clarity.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn To:

• Identify Your "Domain": Guests can't follow rules they don't know (like "Dad’s Chair" or "The Wiped Sink").
• Stop the "Emotional Pop": Break the "Doom Loop" of indirect communication and set your flag before you hit a wall.
• Align Your Leadership: Why "mixed signals" between partners create guest confusion and host resentment.
• The 3-to-4 Day Rule: The time boundary strategy to protect your energy and ensure a full recovery.

Living Lucky®  Nuggets:

• Direct is Kind: Stating a firm "No" isn't mean; it prevents the resentment that kills connection. (Believe in yourself)
• Maps, Not Walls: Boundaries show people how to love you without guessing. (Believe in the people around you)
• Nervous System Sanctuary: Your home is your vibe protector. If you're drained, your impact vanishes. (Believe in your circumstances)
• Boundaries Evolve: You must reset your fence line to match your current spiritual curriculum. (Believe in a higher power)

Stop "barebacking" your kitchen table with other people's expectations. Hit play to reclaim your space and start Living Lucky®!

Q: Why are healthy boundaries important for personal development? A: They prevent burnout, protecting your energy for authentic connections and growth.

Q: How do you communicate boundaries as a people pleaser? A: Shift your mindset to realize that "clear is kind." Instead of hinting, use direct "I" statements to set expectations early. This prevents the "emotional pop" that occurs when you accommodate others at your own expense.

Q: What is the "Three-to-Four Day Rule" for hosting? A: Limit intense hosting to 72–96 hours to allow for deep connection followed by a scheduled recovery da

Transcript

Living Lucky Kickoff

Jana Shelfer 0:00

Are you ready to create a life you crave? Let's spin that doom loop of negativity into an upward success cycle and start Living Lucky®. Good morning. I'm Jana and we are Living Lucky®.

Why Boundaries Need Resets

Jason Shelfer 0:18

You are too. Boundaries. Sometimes you gotta reset them.

Jana Shelfer 0:25

Step back, reset. Do boundaries change as we grow?

Jason Shelfer 0:29

I think they do.

Jana Shelfer 0:29

Yes.

Jason Shelfer 0:31

And I think, well, look at how we've gone into this year and we've said relationships are gonna be a priority. So we've had to kind of change what are our boundaries around relationships? And how are we gonna open up our space and explore and our hearts? Open up our hearts and explore what the new boundary is. So we've opened up our home a lot. It's March.

Jana Shelfer 0:52

Which opens up our space.

Jason Shelfer 0:56

Yes.

Jana Shelfer 0:57

And sometimes, so I have learned this about myself, if I'm to be brutally honest. I love, I do love having new energy and people come into my personal space.

Jason Shelfer 1:13

I it's just setting up that time boundary.

Jana Shelfer 1:17

Do you think it's time?

Jason Shelfer 1:18

I I think it is time boundary. Well, so there's also setting up kind of like a rules boundary, or maybe not a rules boundary, because you want to let people be who they are, right?

Jana Shelfer 1:29

Right. However, you also the way you treat your own things is much different than the way other people. And it's not that they don't care.

Jason Shelfer 1:38

It's just it they have different they have different ways of being.

Jana Shelfer 1:43

Yes.

Jason Shelfer 1:44

Yeah. And and I think also when we have people over, like it's not like they're they're just going roughshod over everything.

Jana Shelfer 1:51

It's just I wouldn't allow that. I would say, please leave now.

Jason Shelfer 1:59

Hello, what's happening? Yeah, and it's it's just a it's it's new people in spaces where like maybe hey, that's where I normally go, right?

Jana Shelfer 2:10

Like he's talking, he's talking about the hole in the couch with my heating blanket, or somewhere like that's where I sit at the at the bar.

Jason Shelfer 2:18

That is my spot. It's kind of like it's where my comfort zone is.

Jana Shelfer 2:22

No, and you know, growing up, my dad had his recliner, right?

Jason Shelfer 2:26

His chair. That's my dad has his chair.

Jana Shelfer 2:28

We all knew and still know that's dad's recliner.

Jason Shelfer 2:32

But then the neighbor's.

Jana Shelfer 2:33

And if you want to sit in it, you you need to say, Hey, do you mind if I sit here? Do you know what I'm saying?

Jason Shelfer 2:38

Yeah.

Jana Shelfer 2:39

And if dad wants to sit down, you get up and you say Or if dad walks in the room. Yeah, then you say, Hey, have a seat. Yes, I know I'm in the room.

Jason Shelfer 2:48

You don't have to say anything. You just get up, dad's in the room, it's his chair.

unknown 2:51

Yeah.

Jason Shelfer 2:51

It's a weird, it's it that's a boundary, right?

Jana Shelfer 2:54

And in my in the case of my mom, you know, going into the kitchen is kind of her spot. Do you know what I'm saying? So it like my mom likes to have the sink wiped down after every everything. After anytime anyone can see it.

Jason Shelfer 3:13

She also likes to have the floors wiped off.

Jana Shelfer 3:16

The sink wiped down. And we know this, and we know that okay, my mom, if we're gonna use my mom's sink in the kitchen, we can wipe it down.

Jason Shelfer 3:25

Just wipe it out when you're done. And no, no spots.

Jana Shelfer 3:28

Here's the thing though. I also know that when I go visit my parents, the sewing room is off limits. Like that's my mom's domain.

Jason Shelfer 3:35

Domain. It's her domain.

Jana Shelfer 3:37

Yes. Yeah, you don't go in there.

Hosting Stress And Hidden Lines

Jason Shelfer 3:38

If you want to sew, she'll bring it, she'll bring things out and you will work in a different little area because that's her domain. So, and it's fine, you know. It's a it's one of those things where that's your little comfort zone. And you're you're gonna sometimes you will invite people in to show, like this is where I do my work. Right. And other people that come in don't know the norm in that area. So we've we've invited people into our area. So it's our responsibility to we could either set rules or set set limits and expectations, or we can say we can erase all boundaries and say, let's explore where they are.

Jana Shelfer 4:24

Yeah, because we're kind of going, our house is your house.

Jason Shelfer 4:27

Yeah, treat it like an Airbnb.

Jana Shelfer 4:29

And then when they put their feet on the kitchen table, I'm like, oh, and their socks are off.

Jason Shelfer 4:35

Wait a minute. Or their socks are off. Like, what's which is better? You got you got somebody barebacking your kitchen table with their feet or their socks. So it's so so then we can we can explore our boundaries as well. Yeah like okay, well, where's our comfort level? And now we can say, okay, this is this is where we have this our comfort zones, and say, okay, now we can start setting our own parameters again.

Jana Shelfer 5:02

You know, anyone listening to this podcast is gonna be like, oh, I don't want to go over to jail and Jason's ever.

Jason Shelfer 5:07

Well, that's why we're that somebody coming and clean before and after everything.

When People Pleasing Pops

Jana Shelfer 5:12

Well, that's where I feel, or not even because of the cleanliness, but just because we're setting these walls and these boundaries, and that's where I struggle because here's the thing my soul was talking to me the entire time, and I kept saying, you know what, Jana, it this is uncomfortable for everyone. Just go with it, just go with it. And then there was a point on Wednesday where so five days in, six days. Five days in, I actually, I mean, I was trying to speak up, trying to speak up, and I feel like I said a few things in different ways. However, then I had a moment where I actually crashed on my a hard crash. I was I was nervous. And Jason was worried, he was like, Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay? And then it was like the zip popped because I was okay physically, but I which I didn't know. I just let it out about where I felt like my boundaries had been encroached. Am I right? And I just had this release. It was like an emotional release.

Jason Shelfer 6:34

A Christmas story or something where Ralphie's like, Raggles, and he just started cussing, like all the all the words came out, and his parents were like, Oh my gosh, what's happening here? Right? Is that what happened? It was well, you weren't using all the profanity, but it was like it was like everything bubbled up to the surface and the steam started coming off.

Jana Shelfer 6:53

Yes. And I realized that I hadn't been maybe firm enough or direct enough, or I mean, it was like I unleashed the it's like you were trying to build the fence and someone kept people kept tearing it down.

Jason Shelfer 7:10

It's like because you you weren't because I wasn't being stern. You weren't saying I'm building a fence here.

Jana Shelfer 7:15

I wasn't being direct enough with my communication.

Jason Shelfer 7:18

Yeah.

Jana Shelfer 7:19

The the only thing is is that I was still trying to figure out where that line was.

Jason Shelfer 7:25

Right. So clarity, not knowing where the line was and having clarity so that you could say, hey, this is where I'm planting my flag. Yes, makes it clear for everyone so everyone knows like where to go and where not to go.

Jana Shelfer 7:42

I feel though that maybe it was slightly different for you than it was for me.

Jason Shelfer 7:46

Yeah. So if we don't, and this is probably raising kids where a lot of challenges come in for parents because if they both have different ideas of where the the flag sits or where the where the boundary is, yeah, it creates this um this confusion or lack of cohesion.

Jana Shelfer 8:10

So that's because you know that, well, if you ask mom, yes, if you ask mom if I can buy this outfit, she's gonna say yes. If you ask dad, dad's gonna say, uh, or you ask Wait for Christmas.

Jason Shelfer 8:22

Ask mom if I can cross the street, no. If you ask dad if I can cross the street, yeah.

Jana Shelfer 8:26

Or if I if I wanted to say, hey, can I get this new car? My mom's gonna say, no, absolutely not. My dad's gonna say, of course you can. Yeah, drive it fast. You deserve the best. Drive it like you stolen it, son. No, no, my dad would definitely not say that. Definitely not say that.

Jason Shelfer 8:43

Safety first. Yes, but my dad But the thing is, if if if people aren't if people in a union aren't on the same page with the boundary, it creates this confusion, lack of clarity for the people that the boundary sets.

Jana Shelfer 8:59

Lack of leadership.

Jason Shelfer 9:00

Yes.

Jana Shelfer 9:00

Oh, I I just realized I was not the best leader.

Jason Shelfer 9:05

So when so what you're saying is that when I have guests in my home, which creates frustration for the leaders, which we're both the leaders of the home.

Jana Shelfer 9:15

Yes.

The Dog Rule And Being Direct

Jason Shelfer 9:15

Right? Which creates frustration for us but and between us, and also probably frustration for the guests because now they have to see, they have to feel that new energy.

Jana Shelfer 9:26

I was really grateful for you at one point because you were brave enough to speak up boldly at one point, where I was trying to be a people pleaser, and that was when one guest was having trouble coming because their dog didn't have a sitter, and so I, in my mind, was trying to come up with a solution. Oh, well, maybe the dog can be on the lanai, maybe you know, we can somehow accommodate accommodate. We can make allowances in some way, and you put your foot down and you said, absolutely not.

Jason Shelfer 10:08

No, no other dogs.

Jana Shelfer 10:09

This is Tater's domain, big boundary for me. This is Tater's uh space, no shedding dogs, and we don't want hair in our house. And I was so grateful though that you were bold, you were bold and direct because I'm gonna be real with you, Jason.

Jason Shelfer 10:26

A lot of times I'm not direct.

Jana Shelfer 10:28

You are the most, most indirect communicator.

Jason Shelfer 10:32

Well, I try to be extremely accommodating because I do want to be inclusive, and I absolutely love that person that was a guest and was trying to make I I know that person how badly they wanted to be here and also how much effort they were putting into making all the accommodations on their end. Right. And I wanted to assist in some way. Uh like I can't call and find them a dog sitter, and I can't do the work for them. Right. But I'm like, I'm not gonna break that one of those boundaries for me. So that so I have my limits and I know where they are. I will allow people to to get up close to the line, but they're I like I'm not gonna let people pass to a certain point.

Jana Shelfer 11:16

Yes.

Jason Shelfer 11:16

And and it's you'll you've seen it several times in life where people push the the edge, and it doesn't get nasty or anything, but it just gets, hey, this is where the boundary is.

Jana Shelfer 11:31

But you are clear with where your boundary is. For me, I try to be accommodating to the point where it's gone too far, and then it's almost and here's the thing is I do feel, I look back and I do feel that I try to communicate the best that I know how, but then once it has gone too far, then I it goes back unleash a tantrum because a lot of times people will it's that whole if you give them an inch, they'll take a yard.

Jason Shelfer 12:03

And it's a and I I get where that saying comes from. And it's and it's and it's because you're very kind and you're very generous. And I think I'm very kind and very generous, and people get to that some and oftentimes people will get to that point with me. They have to, but I I think also sometimes I start way far out. Does that make sense? Okay, but when you say way far out, away from my boundary, yeah, and I start what I start doing is I start making allowances way far away from the quote unquote fence line, and I say, okay, we can we can move closer to the fence, which is not a great thing.

Jana Shelfer 12:46

So maybe the saying is we're giving a mile and then we're taking back inches.

Jason Shelfer 12:50

Right, yeah, maybe that's it. Right?

Recovery Time And Visit Length

Jana Shelfer 12:53

Yeah, and I do the same thing. Like I will get I will I will give inches a mile out to the point where on day five, after my my little zit popped, or my emotional zit, I literally was like, I need to just go rest close the door and be a little bit.

Jason Shelfer 13:14

You needed space. I needed you needed you needed to put boundary back around you and and and rest and recuperate. I mean, there was a lot around that because you needed your physical, you'd skied for five days straight. We had gone out and entertained for five days straight, we had cooked and cleaned for five days straight. It was there was a lot that you needed to protect your energy, your emotional, physical, spiritual, mental boundaries.

Jana Shelfer 13:41

And just even my vibe.

Jason Shelfer 13:43

Yeah. So you had to recharge. I get it. I think everybody needed to, not everybody had the discipline to do it. And we were getting so close to the end.

Jana Shelfer 13:55

Yeah, then I kept wanting to push myself, like, hey, you know what? There's just one more day. I can just go out and one more day. And I I felt badly though that I kind of I kind of left that to you. I I just was like, I'm I need to take care of me right now.

Jason Shelfer 14:10

And I I knew that I could do it. So I was like, I I've got it. I I and I won't, I'm not sure.

Jana Shelfer 14:16

But I do feel we we pushed you a little too far as well.

Jason Shelfer 14:19

Well, and I I got my rest and recovery on on day seven. So I was I was fine, right? Because I literally, it's like at 10 o'clock on Friday, yeah or 11 o'clock on Friday, I was like, out. I took it, I I crashed for like four hours on on I took a nap.

Jana Shelfer 14:38

You fell asleep with ice cream in your hand.

Jason Shelfer 14:40

I know. I was like, I'm getting some ice cream, and I I literally fell asleep holding it. So if you want to know how to not eat ice cream, I took a photo.

Jana Shelfer 14:50

I took a photo of it because I'm like, oh my gosh, that's just funny. Yeah.

Jason Shelfer 14:54

If you want to know how to not eat your ice cream, go work yourself to death for a week and then you'll just fall asleep holding it. Spoon melting in it.

Jana Shelfer 15:03

Boundaries. Okay, so then one last question because we are at the end of this podcast. My when we opened up today, I said, Do you feel that maybe your boundaries change?

Jason Shelfer 15:13

Yeah, and I think so we started this with the the opening the year with wanting to create more relationships and deeper relationships. And we have to open up and we have to kind of pull down the fences to see how we can push open up the yard more.

Jana Shelfer 15:30

Yes.

Jason Shelfer 15:30

And then we have to explore, okay, where might some new boundaries be so we can allow people in and kind of explore, okay, what what might we allow people to be closer to us and how can we allow people into our space and teach them about us and learn about them? So yeah, I think it's just saying, where have we put up these fences or put up these little walls and where can we invite people in? Yes. And also how long are we gonna allow people to be in that space, like and before we need to recharge and re-re-energize ourselves?

Jana Shelfer 16:05

Yes.

Jason Shelfer 16:05

Because for us, for me, I think three and four days is gonna be perfect. And then it gives me a chance to invite people in fully, allows them to go out and then lets me recharge, and then I can invite the same people back fully. Yes, and they can we can keep having this interaction where we learn each other quickly and and more deeply. Does that make sense?

Jana Shelfer 16:30

I I just think you are a beautiful, beautiful soul. Thank you. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for just being my friend. And I mean, I could do a whole podcast on the way you think we interact.

Closing Thoughts And Where To Go

Jason Shelfer 16:45

I love the way we interact, and I love the way we have spent the last 10, 20 years learning about how to just live the best life possible. It's been the best 20 years of my life.

Jana Shelfer 16:57

I feel warm and fuzzy now. Thanks for joining us.

Jason Shelfer 17:01

Keep Living Lucky®.

Jana Shelfer 17:02

Bye-bye. If the idea of Living Lucky® appeals to you, visit us at LivingLucky.com.