The Secret To A Longer Marriage

In this 20th-anniversary episode of the Living Lucky® Podcast, Jason and Jana Shelfer deconstruct the "happily ever after" myth to reveal the actual relationship mindset required for an extraordinary marriage. If you’ve ever felt like you and your partner are "in different keys," this conversation provides the sheet music to get back into harmony.

We move past the "yes, dear" cliché to introduce a powerful personal development tool: the "Yes, And" Rule. Learn to stop negotiating away your individual joy and start building a shared life that feels like a playground instead of a factory floor.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn To:

• Master "Yes, And" Dynamics: Replace compromise with collaboration so both partners win.
• Stop the "Gnawing" Effect: How to identify small irritations before they grow "monster teeth" through negative attention.
• Apply the One-Degree Shift: Why tiny course corrections in tone and habits completely change your relationship's destination.
• Avoid the "Venting Trap": Why partner-bashing in social groups reinforces a doom loop rather than solving problems.

Living Lucky® Nuggets:

• Stop Dimming Your Light: True harmony requires both people to show up as their brightest selves, not draining batteries to "keep the peace."
• Marriage is a Playground: Keep novelty alive through shared adventures—ballroom dancing, travel, or new hobbies. Without fun, you’re just maintaining a factory.
• The Power of Reframing: Use a life coach or mentor to reframe hard seasons into "skill-building" seasons. The problem isn't your life; it's the conversation you’re avoiding.
• The Alignment Formula: Align your thoughts, feelings, and actions with a higher power first. When a couple aligns toward one goal, magic is accelerated.

Stop "tolerating" your relationship—start celebrating it. Hit play to discover the recipe for a marriage that stays spicy, strong, and soul-aligned!

Marriage advice, Relationship communication, Personal development for couples, Growth mindset, Living Lucky, Positive thinking, Overcoming resentment, Secret to long marriage, Alignment for success

#MarriageAdvice #Relationships #PersonalDevelopment #LivingLucky #Mindset #CommunicationSkills #CouplesC

Transcript

Anniversary Harmony And Real Life

Jana Shelfer 0:00

Are you ready to create a life you crave? Let's spin that doom loop of negativity into an upward success cycle and start Living Lucky®. Good morning. I'm Jana. I'm Jason. And we are Living Lucky®. You are to go into the chapel and wear. I was singing.

Jason Shelfer 0:39

I was singing in C. You were singing in G.

Jana Shelfer 0:42

No, no, no, no, no. I was harmonizing.

Jason Shelfer 0:45

Don't change the key on me.

Jana Shelfer 0:46

I was harmonizing.

Jason Shelfer 0:48

Don't change the key on me because I will change the key.

Jana Shelfer 0:51

I wasn't changing the key. I was harmonizing. Sheila, can you explain this to Jason, please? It's our 20th wedding anniversary. Happy anniversary, beautiful.

Jason Shelfer 1:04

The best 20 years, the fastest 20 years. It's been incredible.

Jana Shelfer 1:08

It has been great, hasn't it?

Jason Shelfer 1:09

I feel like the luckiest man on the planet.

Jana Shelfer 1:11

We can't quite harmonize yet, but but maybe in 20 more years we'll have that down.

Jason Shelfer 1:17

I'm telling you, it's gonna take millions of dollars in vocal lessons for me to be able to harmonize.

Jana Shelfer 1:22

Sheila, uh, you're hired.

Jason Shelfer 1:25

Yeah, people think they can do it with me, but uh, I'd I'm well, you know, never say never. Right.

Jana Shelfer 1:31

Like all the things that I say we're all about transformation are the are the things that end up happening. You can learn anything.

Jason Shelfer 1:36

I know.

Jana Shelfer 1:37

It's not we're all about growing, learning, expanding.

Jason Shelfer 1:40

It's not hard, it's new. That's the thing. There you go. It's crazy. I'm so thankful for the last 20 years. So the last 22 years.

The “Yes And” Marriage Mindset

Jana Shelfer 1:48

What has been the secret of a you know it's funny?

Jason Shelfer 1:51

We we've been to so many weddings.

Jana Shelfer 1:53

Extraordinary marriage.

Jason Shelfer 1:54

Yeah, we've been to so many weddings over the year, and I think the the the go-to answer for that is the the secret to a a long marriage is yes, dear. And that's kind of a joke answer, but there's the there's a little bit of truth in that, but it's the I think the secret is yes, and I I was gonna say, when you disagree with me, I know that you're disagreeing with me, and it almost it fires me up.

Jana Shelfer 2:18

I'm like, no, tell me what you really think. I want to know what you think. I think the the real the truth behind that, it kind of got um bastardized over the years, but I think the truth is yes and yeah, because whenever anyone says, Oh, the what's the secret to a marriage, yes, dear, that's almost like a everybody then everybody laughs and it's like ha ha ha, Joe, that's hilarious.

Jason Shelfer 2:42

You get a you get a funny, funny ha ha. Yeah. Because what it is is in that whole happy wife, happy life, yeah, happy wife, happy life, but also happy husband. You you you both want to be happy. So it's that it's that thing we talk about where it's like you both get what you want, no compromise, you build up and and make it better.

Jana Shelfer 3:00

Why is that? I mean, you just what you just said, without really saying it, is that you put your wife's feelings and emotions before your own. Well, see, and I want to say that the wife oftentimes will put the family's feelings and emotions over her own. So nobody's putting their own feelings first.

Jason Shelfer 3:26

Well, that and this is how relationships start, right? Correct. So we always get we always get in these relationships and we start saying, How can I be there for the other person? How can I how can I put them first? And we stop doing like we start changing that up.

Jana Shelfer 3:45

And then we start saying we also show up as our best selves. Right. And we show up Oh, this is so big.

Jason Shelfer 3:53

I love it.

Jana Shelfer 3:53

It is so big because we show up of what makes us happy.

Jason Shelfer 3:58

Yes. And then and then we start maybe dimming that a little bit because we because we think I can I can give this part of me so the other person has more. We start negotiating instead of taking what I want, saying, This is what I want, this is what my other part of my this relationship wants. How do we how do we take just a moment of time? How do we huddle up together and say, what makes both what I want and what you want better? So it's what we want.

Jana Shelfer 4:31

And create something that's even higher.

Jason Shelfer 4:34

And no one tells us how what that recipe is for happily ever after.

Jana Shelfer 4:38

Yes. Right?

Jason Shelfer 4:38

And that's what we talked about it several times. We we kind of pepper it in through our podcast over the last 500 and however many podcasts. Yes. But no one talks about what does that happen? Yes, and happily ever after look like. Like what is the recipe for that? They're just like you'll live happily ever after, kids.

Jana Shelfer 4:55

No, so when I was little and I would play house, we often played this game called House. I don't even know how we started playing house, but we did. We It was either that or Doctor. Yeah, you played house or doctor or teacher. House, doctor, or teacher. Those were the three things you played. And when we play house, you would pick your age, and then you would you would find someone to get married to, and you would have a job, and then you would have kids, and then you would live happily ever after.

Jason Shelfer 5:27

Yes, that was that was the ending.

Jana Shelfer 5:29

That was like the ending.

Jason Shelfer 5:30

And they lived happily ever after.

Jana Shelfer 5:31

Okay, Janet's time to go home. That's right.

Jason Shelfer 5:34

Y'all live happily ever after.

Jana Shelfer 5:35

Like that was fun. Thanks for playing. Yeah.

Jason Shelfer 5:38

And no one really goes into that. Well, what's that? How does that look? But you get to imagine it. Yes. But you don't share it, you don't talk about it, you don't, you don't clearly define it and then talk articulate it to each other.

Jana Shelfer 5:52

Right.

Jason Shelfer 5:53

And that's the thing. So the story never really gets written as to what it looks like.

Jana Shelfer 5:58

Right.

Jason Shelfer 5:58

So there's a there's a difference. The other thing is, is you were talking a little bit about when things start, when you start dimming yourself, and then you start I don't even think we realize we do it.

Jana Shelfer 6:10

I think we do it unintentionally.

Jason Shelfer 6:12

We don't. We just let our batteries start draining and we can do it to ourselves.

Jana Shelfer 6:18

We don't have the energy. It's just easier to go, okay, whatever.

Jason Shelfer 6:23

And we let things gnaw at us.

Jana Shelfer 6:26

But yeah, but we think it's not. We're like, okay, whatever. You know what?

Jason Shelfer 6:30

It's just easier for me to clean the garage than and then we notice it again, and we say, That's gnawing at me. And the more we notice it, the bigger the teeth get. So now it's not gnawing, it's biting. And now it turns into this bigger thing. Because we're now focusing on what's biting me, what's gnawing at me. And then we start creating these monster teeth that are chewing into me, my soul, my heart. And now we're not focused on all the things I love, all the things that are wonderful and beautiful, and why I got in this relationship in the first place. Yes. And that that will change a dynamic in a household, in a in a relationship, in a partnership in a so quickly.

Jana Shelfer 7:12

And once the dynamic changes just a little bit, we know that one degree change A one degree shift shifts everything. Think about a shi a ship.

Jason Shelfer 7:23

Yes.

Jana Shelfer 7:24

A one degree change in the compass will take you to an entirely different destination.

Jason Shelfer 7:29

Yeah. So really, what I'm hearing you saying though, also is you're only a one-degree change from moving from where you are to extraordinary.

Jana Shelfer 7:37

That is true as well.

Jason Shelfer 7:38

Yeah.

Jana Shelfer 7:39

That is true as well.

Jason Shelfer 7:40

All right, and a minimum and the direction of extraordinary.

Jana Shelfer 7:43

So uh speaking of moving to extraordinary, I will say one thing that has really made our marriage extraordinary for me is that is that I'm married to Jason. When people ask me, what is the secret to your relationship? It's being married to Jason. I will say that.

Jason Shelfer 8:02

Because you love to clean. And I love to give you things to clean.

Jana Shelfer 8:05

Oh, stop.

Jason Shelfer 8:06

Oh my gosh. I'm kidding.

Jana Shelfer 8:08

See what I deal with? Oh, lucky me, lucky me. Give you the things that you love in love. I would say that we have continued to try new things, get outside of our comfort zone, and live out loud. And uh that's all one thing. Spice of life. It really is. And I know when people say, oh, keep it spicy, many times they're talking about in the bedroom, which we could probably use. We could probably use a little work in our department.

Jason Shelfer 8:38

I'll get the Tabasco. No, bring the chili peppers.

Jana Shelfer 8:42

No, not in the bedroom.

Jason Shelfer 8:45

I'll eat the hot wings.

Jana Shelfer 8:46

I wouldn't be able to walk for days.

Jason Shelfer 8:48

I'll eat the hot wings before we come back.

Make Marriage A Playground

Jana Shelfer 8:53

No, I will say that we have tried activities and we have immersed ourselves in things that keep life exciting. Yeah. So if you have followed us, you know that we have done ballroom dancing, we've done water skiing, we've done mini camper, we've done things that have really made our life it gives us some gives me something to look forward to.

Jason Shelfer 9:20

Let the planet be your playground, not your factory floor.

unknown 9:24

Yeah.

Jana Shelfer 9:24

That's did you just make that up? Because that needs to be our uh quote. I think that we that we copyright.

Jason Shelfer 9:33

That's that uh I think a lot of people wake up in the morning and they feel like uh I know we say this a lot, but time to make the donuts. You know, they're this they want to escape the life. Yeah, they don't want to build a life there, they're they're not actively seeking fun.

Jana Shelfer 9:51

And same with your marriage, though. Same with your marriage. Let your marriage or your partnership or your relationship be your playground.

Jason Shelfer 10:01

We were oh, we were watching and it's a sacred bubble, the the partnership that you're in. Like it's the two of you. Yes, let your marriage be your playground, not your factory floor.

Jana Shelfer 10:12

I agree with that little piece of advice wholeheartedly. It bothers me to no end when I go to some of these women's groups. In fact, I I simply am not involved in women's groups anymore for this reason. I do not like to go to Bunko or you know, I won't name any more specifically, but when they start talking about their husbands, I don't like that. I just don't like that. And I understand that we're all in spaces where people need to vent and people.

Jason Shelfer 10:45

You need to have a safe space where you can talk about things productively.

Jana Shelfer 10:49

Yes, but it there needs to be a container, there needs to be someone that says, okay, wait, wait a minute. This just the way you just spoke that is not productive for you or for the group because now the group is picking up on your tone and they want to support you. They will support you, so they're going to they're going to even make it worse.

Jason Shelfer 11:13

They're going to help you support that evidence, is what's going to happen. So they're not going to help you build a new. Wow, what's happening?

Jana Shelfer 11:22

I don't know.

Jason Shelfer 11:22

They're not going to help you create that new story and help you re-identify the things that you are looking for. They're going to help you identify the things that you're finding already.

Jana Shelfer 11:34

Yes, that's and that's what happens. Our words matter because what we speak, our brains will prove us right every single time. Every single time.

Jason Shelfer 11:45

Yeah, a best friend or a coach will help you reframe the story that you're currently telling if your life is shit. You know, because your life isn't shit. It's what you're tolerating, it's what you're accepting, it's the conversations that you're not willing to have.

Jana Shelfer 12:02

It's it's that you are going through a growing period. And sometimes there are growing pangs that will help you gain the skills and the talents and the awareness that you need so that you can make it to the next level.

Jason Shelfer 12:21

We've because we've been there. Oh my gosh, we've been through it.

unknown 12:24

Oh, yeah.

Jana Shelfer 12:25

And I'm so grateful that we've gone through it.

Jason Shelfer 12:27

And I'm sure we're gonna go through it again. Like there are every time you get to another level, there's there's new things to learn and grow through and expand and evolve.

Jana Shelfer 12:37

We go through it, I think right now. Sometimes our communication is just slightly, we're not quite on the same frequency.

Jason Shelfer 12:46

The thing is, we we're able to come back together and say, okay, where are we going? And then what language are we trying to learn right now? So it's it's a beautiful thing to it's so many people just don't have the awareness of, hey, we are that one syllable off. We're trying to watch the we're trying to watch the same movie, but the sound is just a little bit off.

Jana Shelfer 13:04

It's just so neatly, you know, it is just it is like literally uh one one degree. The ship is one degree off.

Jason Shelfer 13:14

And then if we can get as soon as we're on that page, then you see national champion, you know, winning a dance competition.

Jana Shelfer 13:20

If you align align, yeah, alignment.

Alignment Formula And Goodbye

Jason Shelfer 13:23

That's why when people see us, they're like, oh my gosh, y'all are doing so much. And it's like they don't see everything that's happening behind the door.

Jana Shelfer 13:31

No, here's the formula. I'm just gonna say it so blatantly. The formula is when you align your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions with source, with a higher power, whatever you believe in, then the magic will happen every time. Now, when you align that with your partner's thoughts, feelings, and actions and their higher power, hopefully it's the same higher power, then it is accelerated beyond belief.

Jason Shelfer 14:02

Yeah, and two people working together towards the same goal is exponentially more powerful than one person working alone.

Jana Shelfer 14:10

We've talked about that many, many times. Thank you so much for joining us. And Jason, I am so excited to celebrate 20 years today. It has been the best 20 years of my life. I just feel like you've been the jackpot.

Jason Shelfer 14:24

Oh, I feel the same. Thank you so much, and I'm looking forward to the next 20.

Jana Shelfer 14:27

Bye bye.

Jason Shelfer 14:28

Keep Living Lucky®.

Jana Shelfer 14:30

If the idea of Living Lucky® appeals to you, visit us at LivingLucky.com