This is Part II of Donor Dylan's story.
Picture this – you just found out you have 97 biological children. Baffled? So was our guest, Donor Dylan, when he discovered this shocking revelation due to sperm donation. In a heart-to-heart conversation, Dylan unravels his rollercoaster journey of having so many biological children. We dig into his initial reactions, the impact on his family, and how he's been dealing with the emotional maze of these complex relationships. Unraveling the darker side, we bring to light the ethical implications of sperm banks distributing to numerous families beyond the agreed limits and the necessity for tracking such information.
Shifting gears, we touch upon the delicate issues surrounding communication and honesty within these donor-conceived families. How do these children perceive events like Father's Day? What are their experiences of interacting with donor siblings? Dylan shares his poignant instances of parting with the kids after visits and the importance of being open with them. To lighten the mood, we have an interesting segment where Dylan describes himself as a drink - a metaphorical peek into his personality. Join us as we delve into the intriguing world of non-traditional families, their unique challenges, and joys.
This is Part II of Donor Dylan's story.
Picture this – you just found out you have 97 biological children. Baffled? So was our guest, Donor Dylan, when he discovered this shocking revelation due to sperm donation. In a heart-to-heart conversation, Dylan unravels his rollercoaster journey of having so many biological children. We dig into his initial reactions, the impact on his family, and how he's been dealing with the emotional maze of these complex relationships. Unraveling the darker side, we bring to light the ethical implications of sperm banks distributing to numerous families beyond the agreed limits and the necessity for tracking such information.
Shifting gears, we touch upon the delicate issues surrounding communication and honesty within these donor-conceived families. How do these children perceive events like Father's Day? What are their experiences of interacting with donor siblings? Dylan shares his poignant instances of parting with the kids after visits and the importance of being open with them. To lighten the mood, we have an interesting segment where Dylan describes himself as a drink - a metaphorical peek into his personality. Join us as we delve into the intriguing world of non-traditional families, their unique challenges, and joys.
Hi I'm Hera, the mom, and I'm Estella the kid, and this is Seeking Different. There are times when everyone feels different or left out. As a non-traditional mom and kid family, we're sitting out to explore all the ways that families can be different. This is Seeking Different.
Speaker 2:Welcome back to Seeking Different. Last week, estella and I started our conversation with donor Dylan. If you missed last week's episode, you should totally check it out. Donor Dylan told us about how he has 97 biological children. The sperm bank that he donated to pretty much lied to him and told him that there was a limit on biological children, when it doesn't really seem like there was. So donor Dylan has been telling us all about how some of the moms reached out to him before the children were 18 and how he's been coping with the knowledge of having so many biological children and also trying to get to know them. So how did your own family react? Did they know you were a donor and that there may be 40 families or 40-something families out there? How has this impacted your family life and potential relationships and things like that?
Speaker 3:Yeah. So my family did know that I was donating. They did not know that the limit was 40 or that the number could get anywhere close to that. They did not know preconceptions about what me being a donor meant.
Speaker 3:And even when I was aware that there had been some births, which, jumping back just a little bit, at first, the sperm bank told me that there were two births. That was when I was 22 or 23. The next time I checked in, they told me it was eight. The next time that I checked in, they said it was 50, five-zero, and then, at the beginning of 2020, it was 77 and a slowly risen, so the bank was telling you that it was going up.
Speaker 2:Did you ever ask them, like yo, what happened to the limits here?
Speaker 3:Well, when they said 50, it's so shocking to hear that, especially when they told me 26 girls, 24 boys Then in that moment I was like these are human beings that are here with us now and it's very beautiful, but what does anybody do with that information? It's just so shocking that and I didn't understand the ethical implications of that I didn't realize like, oh, that's too many, because it's a risk in these ways when they grow up, or it's too many because it's emotionally exhausting to try to allow that many people into your head and heart, which it turns out your head and heart are capable of doing, but it takes a lot of energy to do so. So I just didn't know or understand enough to challenge them and say, hey, what happened to 40? I just kind of left and walked around with that information for a little while and went back to being a parent to this little boy who I was cohabitating with at the time, with my now ex-wife.
Speaker 3:Anyways, all that to say, I knew this information and was kind of carrying it around and sharing it with my family at one point.
Speaker 3:But even when you say, hey, mom, I have 77 biological children, you know, you're sort of quasi biological grandmother of 77. If it took me that long to process 50 walking around and really carrying that around in my mind, my family they're a little more removed from it and had a lot more processing needed to happen for them to recognize that this was real. So it took a while after telling my family for them to recognize these are human beings out in the world. This is the reality of my life now and I want to be here and this is important to me showing up for these kids. You know there was a long stretch of sort of denial as to there's no way that this wild situation is real, but eventually they got around to it and they've been super supportive now and folks like my sister. When I told her she was so sweet and open and it was a beautiful conversation telling her she just really saw how beautiful it was and they've. My whole family has gotten behind my advocacy work now with USDC.
Speaker 2:When I told Stella that you had 97 biological kids and that it meant that like there was a child out there who had 96 biological siblings. That's like what do you think of that? What would you think of 97 or 96 biological siblings?
Speaker 1:I would think that you were crazy. I would think that you wouldn't be telling the truth if you actually told me that I would never expect to have that much siblings.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think we have at this point like maybe like 12 or 14. So we use California Cryo Bank and they had a limit of 10 families. I think it's been like there could be some we don't know about right, but of the ones we know about, it's roughly that.
Speaker 3:Wow, yeah.
Speaker 2:I suspect there's probably instances where people don't you know you're supposed to tell the bank that you got pregnant, but there could be instances where they don't tell them and then they don't track it.
Speaker 3:Right, right. So that's what happened with Zytex and me. They kept on distributing until the reported birds came back. So if families didn't report the birds, then they're like, oh, we haven't reached that 40 limit yet, so we're just gonna keep distributing. So that's what they did. There's no they keep saying there are no laws requiring recipient parents to report the birds. And that's how they kind of get out of jail free by continuing to distribute well above the limit.
Speaker 2:That's me, because I mean most people. I know that there's a way for you to do this at home or whatever, but, like to me, this would be fairly easy to track, because most of us had to go to some kind of fertility clinic and most of the banks, like they didn't, they wouldn't ship it to my house, like they required shipping to a fertility clinic or like a dual or something right, and so you would think there's also requirements for us to take. We have to talk to a therapist and get, like a therapist sign off, which, like I guess, is, you know, reasonable but realistically, if you're working with a bank, there should be some level of like yes, this person had a confirmed pregnancy. I mean, you might have some fall through the cracks, but to me it seems completely reasonable.
Speaker 1:What are some of the things you hope for as it relates to your bio kids?
Speaker 3:Oh, I love this question and, estella, if you don't mind, after this I would love to ask you a question too, because I think I can learn a lot from you about this. You being a donor conceived kid, I wanna listen to you, but let me go ahead and answer your question here. What do I hope for my bio kids? I hope my bio kids connect with their dibblings. Do you know that term, dibblings?
Speaker 2:That term. Tell them why you hate that term. What does it sound like?
Speaker 1:to you. This might be a little embarrassing for me, but like I feel like it kind of sounds like mouse poop.
Speaker 3:Okay, whoa.
Speaker 1:Like you found dibblings in the pantry. That's it does sound like.
Speaker 3:So we refer to them as donor siblings. Donor siblings. Okay, well, I will use your language here. Estella, I don't wanna make you think of mouse poop. You cannot hear that, you know. You're gonna hear that, I know.
Speaker 2:You're gonna be like dang it, that's dibblings.
Speaker 3:I gotta lay down after this.
Speaker 3:Okay no, I love it. I love it, love hearing that perspective. So, okay, what do I? So? I hope my bio kids connect with their donor siblings, cause I think those can be some really special relationships. A few of them already have, and I just it just warms my heart seeing that they are there for each other and that they'll never be alone, unless they choose to be. You know, I hope they know that. I hope they know they are in a very unique situation where they really will never have to be alone If they choose to connect with the people that share their DNA.
Speaker 2:And there's so many of them that they're gonna find somebody who's like amazing. Even if they don't get along with all of them, they're gonna be like you know what? There's like 30 of them that I really buy.
Speaker 3:Yeah, statistically, they're gonna find a best friend if they want to. So they can always choose family and define family however they want, and that's another hope that I have for them. You know that they define, you know who's important to them and who their family is, on their own, without society telling them anything different. I hope they know I love them very much. We talk like that me and many of the kids you know we'll use that language and it's just super special and yeah, yeah, as far as like and and for any any donor conceived kids, really, I hope you know that your needs and wants matter and it's not easy when they simply can't be met. It's.
Speaker 3:It's okay to feel however you feel about your donor and about being donor conceived. Your feelings matter and I hope you find community in the growing donor conceived community too. You're not alone. There are so many people that are donor conceived and they get together in groups and and talk to each other about their feelings and about being donor conceived and and it's just a really special connection that you can have and you can always find these groups and friends within those groups who understand your experiences. You remember Melissa, your friend, melissa Estella, and you talked to from donor conceived community. She's sweet, huh, she's, she's awesome and and she knows so many people who will always be there for you, no matter what you're feeling.
Speaker 2:Kids group. Like they have, like you need to do it for kids. And really in spite the parents at first just have the kids, you know, and then and then parents can maybe come in at some point. But I think it would be, it'd be really fun.
Speaker 3:Wow, that's such a good idea. I've got Several that I think 97. And have I use that term simply for sort of the jokie context of this conversation? I understand they are not mine, they are the parents. Is that I'm lucky enough? To be, but some people have an issue with me saying I have you know right, well, I mean, I guess we've talked about you know, we've talked about With Melissa.
Speaker 2:Actually, we talked about, like, the different ways you can describe to people you know, like I know Stella talks a lot about, like when people ask her, oh well, where's your dad? You know, and what to say. I really loved how Melissa was. Like, everybody has a biological father, but not everybody has a dad, right. And so you, you tech, you have 97 biological kids, right, you're not their dad, but you, you have biological, biologically absolutely.
Speaker 3:Stella, do you mind if I ask you my question now for you? Okay, so I want you to put yourself into the shoes of some of my bio kids, and how would you want your parents to tell you that you have 96 biological siblings? What, what a kind of how would you want them to to tell you? What kind of how would you want them to to tell you?
Speaker 1:I think that any way they would tell me it would really like surprise me. But like I think that at first they should say like you have, you, I think you have like a lot of siblings or something like that, just to not freak me out too much, but like once I kind of get used to that, they can say like you have, like about like 97, like you have about like 96 siblings you want to ease into it like you have a lot and then be like, well, it could be this number.
Speaker 3:Brilliant Estella, thank you.
Speaker 1:I might be okay with being like really freaked out, but like I don't want to be too freaked out that it gets like really out of hand with my feelings.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, that makes perfect sense to me, estella. Thank you, I'm going to pass that information along to the parents who are going to have to have those conversations with their kiddos there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think people sometimes also don't give kids enough credit. With honesty, I'm a really big proponent of just. Do you remember the first time I told you I had a donor? No, no, because she's always known like. I told her when she was like, before she could talk, I was like practicing. I was like, hey you?
Speaker 3:know, you know.
Speaker 2:And so I think it's just like kids. I talked to so many women that are like, oh, you know what that's like too much for them, or you know, and I'm just like, how is their history too much for them?
Speaker 1:like it's not Well, like well, like what I think is that, like maybe, for like it's actually depending on your and like the kid's personality whether it's too much for them to tell you because, well, like you shouldn't tell them when they're like 42 or something that's not okay but like you shouldn't tell them when they're too young either, because, like I think that, like, as they grow through the years, like you should probably like see how they're reacting to certain things and then, like, maybe eventually you can tell them that they have a donor, but like, if your kid might not be able to handle, like knowing that they have a donor yet, then you should probably not tell them.
Speaker 2:I don't know, though. I feel like if you always knew, it wouldn't have to be a big deal, right, yeah, but like maybe but if you like, didn't tell them at first and then, like it would be hard to like, all of a sudden be like hey, guess what? You have a donor.
Speaker 1:No, not like that, but like, I guess like what I'm saying is that like you can't tell them where they're too young, but like you can't tell them when they're too much older.
Speaker 2:You have to make sure you tell them young enough that they feel like you lied to them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so like you have to tell them when they're young enough that they actually understand. So like with me, I think, did I understand. Like you told me when I was really young I don't even remember it.
Speaker 2:I definitely we went through a phase where she thought that every man's name was Daddy because, like I call my daddy Daddy, and then her friends called their dads daddies, and like we didn't have a lot of men in our life who weren't daddies, and so like I think she just thought it was a name and so she was like calling the guy at the checkout counter Daddy, and I was like no, I'm like he might be a daddy, but he's not yours.
Speaker 1:Like you have a no, not a dad, and so like I feel like it has definitely also like I feel like the kid might have to like depending on the kid like they might have to like develop, like how you know that, like your parents aren't gonna lie to you, like how you know that it's real, how you know that you're just gonna have to deal with it.
Speaker 2:That's true but see, that's why I want to set a precedent of not lying, because if you start lying and then you start telling them like if I didn't tell you that you had a donor until like today, and then all of a sudden I was like oh yeah, you also have like 102 siblings, you'd be like wait a second, like is this for real?
Speaker 3:And one of the things that I've noticed, estella, is a lot of my bio kids. They go to school and their school celebrates Father's Day. So what happens is they get to this moment in school where all of their friends are celebrating Father's Day and they are thinking you know, what does my family look like? Or who, where is my dad and who this or that? So we I think your parents want to help you understand your story before you come across something out in the world that tries to convince you that family looks a certain way. Right, when family can look any type of way. And you're incredibly lucky to have such a thoughtful mother too, by the way, because not everybody tells their kids as sweetly as she told you and as as thoughtfully and what's that like I mean you got 40, some families.
Speaker 2:There are obviously probably all very variations of you know diversity and how they tell their family and what structure their family is. Have you had scenarios where, like some of the moms haven't told their children that they are donor conceived?
Speaker 3:Yes, I have. There's at least one family that I'm connected to that, to my knowledge, has not shared that information with them, possibly more among the sort of hetero couples, and what is definitely common is the the the parents, not telling how many siblings they have, donor siblings they have. So when I, unfortunately, the hardest part of everything that I'm doing is saying goodbye to the kids after each visit, especially when they don't know or understand that the only reason I'm leaving is so that I can be equitable and share my time with the other kids as well and do that in a way that it's fair for everybody. So if I have to leave without the kids understand, if they think, okay, we're your only biological children, like, where are you going? That's a really really hard thing for me and it's a really really hard thing for the kids. So your mom, being honest with you, estella, I swear is, to my knowledge as a donor, the best possible approach.
Speaker 1:In each episode with a guest, we always ask them to describe themselves, like they describe their favorite drink.
Speaker 2:How would you describe yourself? As if it were?
Speaker 3:like, like, like I'm the drink, like pick a drink, yeah, so like she's a Shirley Temple, because she's sweet and bubbly Okay.
Speaker 1:Ask everybody because I'm interested in adults and adults favorite drinks, because, like usually, I either hear like wine or coffee.
Speaker 3:Sure.
Speaker 1:So like it doesn't to one or coffee. But also I think that it would actually be surprising for them to choose white and white and coffee because, like lots of adults have wine and coffee Wait, do all adults have wine and coffee?
Speaker 2:Now some people have said different things. I am both wine and coffee, so that's probably why.
Speaker 1:We're all wine. Tea is coffee. Tea always needs coffee.
Speaker 3:She can't go with it. Right, me too. I'm definitely leaning more towards coffee with an occasional tequila, but what I will say is the drink that I am is a delicious, healthy smoothing with a few ingredients. That kind of taste a little gross because they're so healthy, but my sweetness covers them nicely and you feel great afterwards.
Speaker 2:I love that. That's good, so like a kale apple.
Speaker 3:Kale, but with a bunch of strawberries in it too. Okay yeah, Strawberry definitely, and some chia seeds and some weird green powder that you're not sure exactly what's in it that makes it taste a little bitter. But then afterwards you're like, wow, I got all my vitamins.
Speaker 1:Oh wait a minute, mommy. For some reason mommy fans all have a cup with water, and then this weird green powder of all veggies. Oh yeah, like the poor things, I let it green. It's like it's gross.
Speaker 3:So, I definitely have some of that for sure.
Speaker 1:I've tasted it before and it just tastes really vegetable-y.
Speaker 2:I think it's delicious, but I like vegetables.
Speaker 3:I tend to like it.
Speaker 2:All right. So finally, thank you so much for joining us. We want to make sure that you have a chance to rep your platform. So how can people find you and find your videos and learn more about the advocacy work that you've been doing?
Speaker 3:Yeah, you could email me directly at Dylan at usdccorg if you want to get in contact to talk about, say, volunteering for USDCC or donating. We really need your support with writing laws and legislation and providing all sorts of advocacy work for donor-conceived people, for recipient parents and for donors like myself. Part of that work is you can find me on TikTok at DonorDillon. I make some sort of funny infotainment things that educate about the donor conception space, while also I like to think being kind of funny or at least telling you a bit about my story. You can also find me on Instagram to learn the most about my story and follow along as I meet more kids and share my experiences of what it's like to be a known donor.
Speaker 2:That's awesome. Well, we really appreciate your time today and again, thank you so much, and we're excited to follow your journey on Instagram as well.
Speaker 3:Yeah, thank you. Thank you both. It's so great to meet you, estella, and thank you for answering my really important question. I'm going to pass what you said along to all the moms, I promise.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to Seeking Different.
Speaker 2:If you like what you heard, share us with your family and friends.
Speaker 1:Tell us what you'd like to hear on future episodes and share your stories about belonging and family.
Speaker 2:You can connect with us on Instagram at Seeking Different.
Speaker 1:See you next time.