Remember the flutters of first crushes and the buzz of schoolyard whispers? Together with my daughter Estela, we take a heartfelt plunge into the world of tween crushes and the ensuing gossip that can feel like navigating a minefield. We swap stories, with Estela offering a peek into the pulse of today's tween experiences, rife with the excitement and anxiety of burgeoning attractions, as well as the sometimes harsh reality of gossip. Through laughter and a bit of cringing, we dissect how to manage the tender confessions of young hearts, proposing personal journals as a safe haven for those secrets not quite ready for the light of day.
Ah, the rollercoaster of tweenage drama, where yesterday's crush could become today's mortification—believe me, I've been there. Recalling my own tales of awkward crushes, like the time I found myself bewildered by the Brazilian classmate I once admired from afar, I share how these experiences, complete with the perils of puberty and cruel jokes, shaped my understanding of the often strange dance of youthful attraction. We encourage embracing individual preferences without the sting of judgment and invite our listeners to join the conversation—because whether you're a parent navigating these waters with your child or simply reminiscing about your own squirm-worthy escapades, we're all in this together. Catch our candid discussions on Instagram at Seeking Different, and share your own journey through the laughs and the lessons of growing up.
Remember the flutters of first crushes and the buzz of schoolyard whispers? Together with my daughter Estela, we take a heartfelt plunge into the world of tween crushes and the ensuing gossip that can feel like navigating a minefield. We swap stories, with Estela offering a peek into the pulse of today's tween experiences, rife with the excitement and anxiety of burgeoning attractions, as well as the sometimes harsh reality of gossip. Through laughter and a bit of cringing, we dissect how to manage the tender confessions of young hearts, proposing personal journals as a safe haven for those secrets not quite ready for the light of day.
Ah, the rollercoaster of tweenage drama, where yesterday's crush could become today's mortification—believe me, I've been there. Recalling my own tales of awkward crushes, like the time I found myself bewildered by the Brazilian classmate I once admired from afar, I share how these experiences, complete with the perils of puberty and cruel jokes, shaped my understanding of the often strange dance of youthful attraction. We encourage embracing individual preferences without the sting of judgment and invite our listeners to join the conversation—because whether you're a parent navigating these waters with your child or simply reminiscing about your own squirm-worthy escapades, we're all in this together. Catch our candid discussions on Instagram at Seeking Different, and share your own journey through the laughs and the lessons of growing up.
Hi I'm Hera, the mom, and I'm Estella the kid, and this is Seeking Different. There are times when everyone feels different or left out. As a non-traditional mom and kid family, we're sitting out to explore all the ways that families can be different. This is Seeking Different. Alright, welcome back to Seeking Different.
Speaker 2:Alright. So this week, as promised last week, we are going to talk about a very hot topic in the world of tweens. Now I'm including ages 9 and 10 in the tweens, even though I think maybe a tween is like 10, 11, 12. I don't know. Do you know the definition of a tween?
Speaker 1:I think that a tween is like probably from like 10th and 12th, when you're a decade old, that's when like that's kind of like a couple years and like so, like if you're a little kid, you are not tween.
Speaker 2:Okay, so tween is basically before you get to a teenager but you're not a little kid anymore the drama rats its up. I definitely feel like at this age y'all are just like super awkward and everyone's still trying to figure out like how they're feeling. And all of a sudden there's this interesting new dynamic between boys and girls.
Speaker 1:And, like I said, if you have already listened to our last episode about book writing, I mentioned the awkward series. It's like, like Wama said, like when you become into the tween age, or like when you're 10, before the tween age, or if you're in the middle, things start getting awkward. Like the first book, then you start creating enemies, which is the second book like a lot of enemies. Then you start to get into the phase where everybody starts having crushes and starts getting drama, which is what we're going to talk about in this episode. Then there is like a lot of times, like right before you become a teenager, a teenager, where you start have where, like you have to like kind of start being a little bit more brave than you were on the tween.
Speaker 2:All right, so let's give a shout out to the author. What she's talking about is the awkward series. It's called the Barry Brook Middle School like series and awkward is the first book. So I recommend people check out the first book because it will put things into better context, and the author is Svetlana Chakova. I can't really like I think it's Svetlana Chakova. We got ours on Amazon, but I think a lot of independent bookstores sell it because we also bought the last one in the series, I think at Politics and Pros in DC. So I highly recommend checking it out. Stella keeps on reading them in like one day, like I'll get it, and then she'll be done with it by the end of the day.
Speaker 1:Maybe I think that they're amazing books.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think one of the reasons it's great is that it's very relatable. Okay, so we decided to talk about crushes today because it is like the hot topic in the tween world and I know that at Stella School, like we talk about it amongst parents and I know the kids are talking about it. So I'm really curious, like, what your thoughts are.
Speaker 1:Okay. So at my school it's not as bad as my old school, but at this school it's still like pretty dramatic because, like, if someone doesn't have a, so like let's say that someone has a crush, I start pestering them, trying to make them tell them a crush, and then, since that kid gets so stressed out about everybody pestering him or her, then they just tell them and then it starts becoming like a thing or like one person. So the person with the crush says please keep it a secret.
Speaker 2:Oh, and they never keep it a secret.
Speaker 1:Yes, and then so the next person who is supposed to keep it a secret, she went on to another person and she was like, don't tell anyone, but he or her has a crush on this person. And then they're like keep it a secret. And then the next person just goes on and on, and on and on until it gets to one girl who gets so involved with it no-transcript, it's a group of girls, but the real leader is so involved with it that she starts involving all of that boy who has a crush as friends and literally everybody. So what happens if?
Speaker 1:you don't say anything. If you don't say anything then it still kind of becomes a whole entire thing like a rumor basically.
Speaker 2:So then they just make something up, even if you don't say anything.
Speaker 1:Yeah, If you say I don't have a crush, leave me alone, please. Then they start going on and on about saying they say they don't have a crush, but I think they do. They might have a crush on you, like something like that.
Speaker 2:See, that's dramatic. So I think, what's also hard is at this age like sometimes kids are still trying to figure out like who they like, like maybe a boy who likes a boy, and then all of a sudden everybody starts talking about that and you have to deal with people's weirdnesses about gender and sexuality and you guys are only nine and 10.
Speaker 2:So, that's really stressful. One of the things that sometimes kids will do at this age is that they will take a book and start writing things down and then, next thing you know, they're spreading it. So we're going to see the Mean Girls movie today and that's part of it. I don't know if it's crushes, but they have this whole burn book thing. I think it. Just I don't know if boys do this, but girls definitely do this. They're always gossiping and they're always trying to keep records of the gossip and just doing crazy things like that.
Speaker 1:Also, I suggest that if you might be one of those people who, even if you don't release gossip, if you feel like you are so close to releasing gossip, then you should probably take a journal or a diary and just write whatever you want down.
Speaker 2:And don't share it with anybody.
Speaker 1:Yeah, don't share it.
Speaker 2:But one thing I do think is actually interesting about this is that at this age you guys are also first starting to figure out what is a secret that I should keep to myself, and what kind of secret is something that shouldn't be a secret. So, for example, sometimes people and girls do this. I don't know if boys do this or not, but I know that lots of girls will do this. They'll be like oh, I have a secret, and they say it as a way to exclude someone else. So let's say you were going to go to play on the playground and do something. You'd be like oh, it's a secret, because you wouldn't want somebody else to do it. And that's a bad secret, because that's a mean secret.
Speaker 1:But then a different secret wouldn't. Is it a reasonable secret? Is it a good secret If you have a really, really close friend you've been telling her stuff has been embarrassing to you? And then the other girl keeps it to herself, and then you've always known that.
Speaker 2:See, that's a good secret. If someone confides in you and they tell you something that is very deeply personal, unless it's something that you think could be harmful. If a kid said something to you that you think would be dangerous if an adult didn't know, that's a secret you should share with an adult. But if a kid was just telling you about something they felt or something that was deeply personal, or if something happened and then you would be like, please don't tell anyone, you're my best friend.
Speaker 2:Yes, so you don't want to be the friend If you have.
Speaker 1:It's kind of like if you're on a play date and then you're at your house with your very best friend and then like you feel like you have to tell the truth, not only like with your parents and stuff. Like you feel like everybody else at your school they're not too protective of your personal problems or something that happened, and then so like maybe there's someone else then like a good, that good secret will just be telling them like something that's really personal to you and then you would know that thing to keep that secret because all your life they've been keeping your very own secrets and you don't want to be the friend that is, somebody that people don't trust, yeah.
Speaker 2:So yeah, I think that, but that's hard. Oftentimes kids at this age don't understand the difference or they'll hear a secret. That is like super juicy gossip and it may feel good to like be the person that has the gossip, but then it feels really bad when your friend finds out that you told and then it's like mad at you.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So like I think that anybody who's listening to this you do not want to be that type of person who gets super mad at. You also don't want be careful about who you tell to anybody. Like, be careful about what you tell to somebody because, like you don't want to be the type of person who gets gossiped about and then you also really don't want to be the type of person who gossips about that person.
Speaker 2:Exactly, you don't want to be the gossip and you also want to be the type of friend that people actually tell things to, because they can trust you to keep it to yourself, because sometimes it's like really nice to have a friend who you can talk to about something, because it's really hard to keep things to yourself all the time, and so you don't want to have to worry that your friends is going to like ratchet you out to the entire class.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I've never done this before, but like would it be okay if, like your friend called like you something and then you would tell your parent?
Speaker 2:I mean, I think that's different. I think that when your friends tell you stuff especially if it's like a crush or something you definitely don't want to go tell other kids in the class.
Speaker 1:But would it be okay to like tell your parent? To tell your parent like if they're your parent they would definitely not like start gossiping other?
Speaker 2:people. I mean, it depends on what type of parent Like. If you tell me not to tell anybody, I'm not going to tell anybody Because I'm not that person Like.
Speaker 1:If I had a crush, then I would tell you.
Speaker 2:And then you wouldn't tell me yes and I wouldn't tell your crush yeah, Because that would be not nice.
Speaker 1:Yeah, when you were a kid, did you have a crush?
Speaker 2:I did have a crush. I had a couple of crushes actually. Oh, I read your diary. You did read my diary. So I kept a very detailed journal slash diary when I was in fourth grade and I let Stull read it because I wanted her to feel like similar to how books are Like. I wanted her to feel the connection and also it was cool because it was like her mom going through this. I did have a crush. I had a couple of crushes. My first crush, his name, was Pablo. I will not give his last name because I don't want to put him on blast. I had a big crush on him. Sadly, like most of the girls in the class had a crush on him. He was a pretty cute kid, but you want to hear something crazy.
Speaker 1:What.
Speaker 2:So I saw a picture of him as an adult. He was not a cute adult. Yeah, he like peaked in fourth grade. I also remember in fourth grade like I was really uncomfortable with the attention, so I also didn't want to tell anybody my crush, because I also didn't want the attention and I also didn't want the rejection. Like I was really worried that if someone told him that I had a crush on him and then he was like ew, I don't have a crush on her, I don't like her, then like I would feel really bad.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So like you, even though, like, even though it might be true, you don't want to actually know.
Speaker 2:I yeah, I didn't really want to know if he had a crush on me, because also at that age, like I think that sometimes you can like, just really like someone as a friend. And the sad part about the whole crush thing is that people get nervous that if they just try to be someone's friend then like the whole class will be like ew, you must like that person. Because I also had boys in my class that I just thought were cool and I wanted to hang out with them and like I didn't have a crush on them, I just liked them as people and I wanted to be their friend. But I was also like super nervous because I was like, oh, I don't want everyone thinking that like me and Antonio are dating, even though I just want to be his friend.
Speaker 1:I think I can kind of get that because, like at my school right now, even though there are like some boys Like I think that might be like good to be friends with or something, mm-hmm, I I am worried that people would be like, oh, you have crush on him. I know that at my school there is one boy who I think that would be a good boy to be friends with. I'm a little bit worried that people be like, oh, you have crush on him. And then I can also tell that I can also kind of tell that he's worried that people would be like, ooh, you have crush on her something like I don't remember the age that it shifts like I think it's a little bit, I don't know.
Speaker 2:I feel like even in high school it was a little bit like that where people would be like, oh, you guys must be dating. I think you just have to get to the point where, like you just don't care, and you and that person know your friends and you'd be like, ah, whatever, people can think what they think, we're just friends. So, and I also think sometimes, like, especially at this age, like you might think that you're gonna like someone, like as a friend, and then you start like hanging out them and you're like, oh, like I don't know if I like them as much as I thought I like them, what? Now that we're friends, I don't actually have anything in common with this person.
Speaker 1:Um, and so I have another question about you. When you were a kid, was there any drama with you and the boy you had a crush?
Speaker 2:on. So not Pablo, because I Never was super verbal about my crush on Pablo, because everybody had a crush on him. So it's kind of like, okay, well, I'm not gonna say anything. There was another guy I think I was in seventh grade in his name, whose name I don't remember his name, so he was like he came in seventh grade.
Speaker 2:He was a Brazilian guy and he was tall and I was like the tallest girl in the class because I stopped growing in seventh grade and we were on this like class field trip and I remember Everybody teasing me about him and we ended up sitting together at some point and that was kind of the moment I realized like oh, he's kind of weird. Like I thought I had a crush on him but then, like I don't know, he was just just kind of like dopey and weird. Once we actually hung out. But what was the question? Was it like? Was it? Was there any? Was there any drama? I mean, I guess it was drama because I felt like people were teasing us and I also felt like people were kind of like forcing us to hang out and I don't know what they expected.
Speaker 2:I was like a seventh grader. We were just sitting there and I was like okay, hi, and it was like super awkward. So that was pretty much the drama. I mean, sometimes it was dramatic because, like as a kid for me, I was like always bigger than everyone, I got taller faster, I got boobs earlier than many of the kids in my class, and so I do remember it being really uncomfortable and dramatic when, like, the boys would talk about it because I didn't like. I said, I didn't like the attention.
Speaker 1:What did one of the boys even say?
Speaker 2:So there were a couple times.
Speaker 2:So one of the things that was super dramatic I think I was about 12 or like 11 or 12 and I was the first kid in my class to get my period, which was like not great. And I remember I told a few of the girls on a sleepover and the next day you had a good idea, not a good idea, really bad idea. The next day, this girl named Barbara, who I never forgave I still hold a grudge to this girl to this day she told all the boys in the class that I had gotten my period and I was so mad at her and also so mortified. And I remember there was another instance where it was like we were in PE class and one of the boys put basketballs in his shirt and it was like this is Hera, and I was also deeply embarrassed, like to make him look like he has boobs.
Speaker 2:Yes, and it was not nice, and so, yeah, it was a very awkward and dramatic time and kids can be super mean and this is why I worry about the crush's stage, because I think sometimes, when that all starts, oftentimes kids don't necessarily develop what they think is attractive, independently of what society says is attractive, and so what can happen is that somebody who is actually really pretty ends up feeling not pretty because the kids in the class are like oh, but I like this other girl, and so it's like all this, all the standards of beauty or ugliness from society comes out, and the same thing can happen for kids.
Speaker 2:If a boy has a crush on a boy or a girl has a crush on a girl, instead of just being able to just be yourself and not feel weird about it, I feel like sometimes society, just all of the ugly things of society, come in and people get a complex about it, and I think at this age you should just be able to like who you like. You should be able to just feel what you feel and know that this was a very awkward stage in life and everyone's gonna feel kind of awkward because you're gonna be growing really fast. The boys, they get so awkward, like they grow really fast and like cannot manage their arms and legs, they start looking like just all over the place, and so it feels really weird for both boys and girls.
Speaker 1:Okay, that sounds dramatic. It is dramatic, okay. So do you know, like any people who were like in seventh or eighth grade who had a crush, who had a crush on me, or like, do you know any people? Yeah, like, do you know any people when you were like a teenager or like a tween where, like, you knew that they had a crush on you?
Speaker 2:Yes, and, unfortunately for me, nobody that I had a crush on ever had a crush on me. Everyone who had a crush on me. I never had a crush Like at that age I was not into Actually, no, I take that back. There was a boy in a sixth grade dance that I think both had a crush on me and I had a crush on him. But I also remember in high school there was this really creepy boy that used to just like follow me around, like he would hide in the bushes and like jump out after basketball practice, and he'd be like hi, and I was like ah, I did not have a crush on him, but I'm pretty sure he had a crush on me.
Speaker 2:I tried to be nice to him. He was just weird. Like I mean, he was a nice guy, but like he was just weird and creepy, and this is gonna sound really bad. He was one of those people was like so pale that she could like see his veins, and I know that like some people are into that, but like I was not into that and I was like, oh my gosh, I just he was just very odd, and I did feel bad for him, though. So I tried to be nice to him.
Speaker 2:And I think the hard part is that, because I tried to be nice to him, people were like oh yeah, like you know, hermus like him. And the same thing happened with some guy on the debate team who was like this German guy who I could not stand. Actually, I could not stand that guy.
Speaker 1:I have one question for you. So at the sixth grade dance, how did you know that that boy in sixth grade liked you?
Speaker 2:Because he asked me to dance and we got along. I mean it was like just a dance. So I mean I think sometimes you can tell when boys or girls like you, when they just like want to be around you. And I did have a couple of guy friends who I think liked me. But I was like pretty clear with them that like we were just friends, because I was also like the type of kid that even though I had crushes, like I didn't want to like kiss anybody in middle school. So like I would have a crush on someone and I'd be like OK, we could just be friends.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I have another question. So, like you know, the guy on the debate team that you said that you couldn't stand, what did he do?
Speaker 2:He was just always trying to like mansplain. You know what that means. It's like when boys think they know more than you and they try to explain to you something in a really like like speaking down to you as though you don't understand, because you're a girl and he was like always doing that.
Speaker 1:So like he's trying to impress in front of you, and trying to explain everything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but it's like done in a way that it like seems like he doesn't understand that I already know and I didn't like that, and so he was always doing that and I think he thought that he thought it was like a way for me to be like oh wow, you're so smart. Instead, it just like really irritated me. Wow, that's bad. But people also tease me about him. They're like oh my gosh, like you and David must be dating. I'm like no, we're just the head of the debate team, I have to deal with it. Crushes are awkward, but I think everybody gets to the point where they have to deal with the drama. But I know that in the book crushes didn't the, didn't the girl have like a really good response when they were teasing her about it.
Speaker 1:Stop being like a gossip yeah.
Speaker 2:Or like why are you so obsessed?
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, like she was more like stop it. Why are you gossip? I'm so obsessed with me right now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly, it's like the Mariah Carey song.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like, why are you so obsessed with me? Yep.
Speaker 2:Yep, exactly, I told Estella to think about that song.
Speaker 1:I love the Mariah Carey song. It is so good.
Speaker 2:All right. So the moral of the story is if someone has a crush on you, try to be nice. If you have a crush on someone, be careful about who you tell and try not to make it too obvious. Yes, try not to make it too obvious and don't be a snitch.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to Seeking Different. If you like what you heard, share us with your family and friends. Tell us what you'd like to hear on future episodes and share your stories about belonging and family.
Speaker 2:You can connect with us on Instagram at Seeking Different.
Speaker 1:See you next time.