SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hi family, I'm an addict. My name is Marla. It's good to be clean and good to be in a meeting, Narcotics Anonymous. Just to qualify, my clean date is April 20th, 1990, continuous clean time. April. April 20th, 1990. And I want to thank Renata for asking me to share.

SPEAKER_02 0:38

I chcem podcast because I poprosil, aby som vzdial.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

I know the topic's willingness, but I'm gonna qualify just for a few minutes. So no matter how old you are, how young you are, you know, it doesn't matter when you get clean, but just get clean. Yeah, number one, um, uh I had the accent, the New York accent, and uh being biracial, it was it was frowned upon.

SPEAKER_02 2:22

Uh problem was mala ten pretty hook z Bronxu. A druhý problem was to point some rodič attack, drugo attack.

SPEAKER_01 2:37

And as a result of that, I denied who I was for a very, very long time. When I got clean, I realized that it was more in life than just my ego. Thank God my brother got clean six months before I did, because he brought me to meetings of narcotics anonymous. So I looked at the word willingness and it said cheerfully consenting to do something compliant.

SPEAKER_02 3:34

A pozral som si vlastne, že definícia toho slova ochota, a to bolo, že s radosťou urobiť niečo, s čím suhlasím.

SPEAKER_01 3:46

And I looked up the word compliance and it was adherence.

SPEAKER_02 3:51

A som si vyhľadala to slovo compliance.

SPEAKER_01 3:59

Yeah, and the definition was the act of seeking or faithfully following a plan, rule, or set of beliefs.

SPEAKER_02 4:07

I was like, na základe nejakých moich.

SPEAKER_01 4:26

We have beliefs here. We don't have rules and regulations. I came here very willing because I actually kicked and detoxed in the rooms of narcotics anonymous. Can someone please turn off the chat? I have ADD and it's real uh distracting in me when I'm seeing all this stuff come on screen. I would appreciate it if you could do that. Thank you. Um sorry about that. Um no, no, I'm not sorry about that. I'm just saying what's going on with me.

SPEAKER_02 5:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:24

So the word willingness has a lot, it has a lot of meaning to me as as an addict in recovery recovery. I'm more willing to be a better person today than I was yesterday. And as a result of my brother getting clean, I got clean, then my other brother got clean, and both my parents got clean. And you know, I don't know about anybody else, but I came in here really not liking my parents. I can prevent, but through the willingness I heard through your voices, I became even more willing to want to change my life, change my behavior, and change who I've been for those whole years that I was using. And because I don't drink coffee and I was willing to be of service, I just started making decaf. Nobody knew except my brother. So I had a business meeting that he was at. They asked for any new business and my brother told the group that I was using Dcaf. And then they fired me.

SPEAKER_02 8:59

I think we dali ako, že we state positiv.

SPEAKER_01 9:03

And they also told me don't get loaded over this, keep coming back. I thought, motherfucker, I'm not gonna get loaded over coffee. It turned out to be actually very funny because now if I'm at a meeting and they need a coffee maker and I raise my hand, they just ignore me. And the more I stayed around, the more the more I wanted to be a different person for myself. You know, I mean uh I really actually came to Narcotics Anonymous to find a husband. And of course I did because they had been taking a survey for every one woman, it was 15 men. And I know it's crazy, huh? Okay, yeah, I've done some pr I mean like all of us I've done some pretty strange things while I was using. And it never turned out very well. You know, what also when I when I think of the word willingness, I think of how how we used to say long time long, you know, we used to say a lot. I don't hear it a lot, but I say it. I had to I had to play that tape forward, you know, before I made any kind of uh I made a decision, but to take the action, I had to play that tape forward.

SPEAKER_02 12:22

A vásuť, keď som poprosena, aby som niečo spravil na službu v programe, ale nemám tam moc to spraviť a spraviť to aj tak, tak to dopadne dobre pre mňa.

SPEAKER_01 12:37

And what I have never done in recovery is allow anybody to chase me out of the rooms.

SPEAKER_02 12:58

A že vlastne.

SPEAKER_01 13:11

And do I hear things here I don't like? Of course I do, but I don't leave no matter what. And for consequences, I I believe I well, I hear people say you can they say you can do whatever you want as long as you stay clean. I don't I don't like that suggestion that people have given to people. No, it's not okay to rob somebody or rape or kill or murder, but stay clean doing it doesn't make sense to me. Like I said, when I got when I came in Narcotics Anonymous, I came to find a husband, but 36 years I have found much more than that. I found myself. And most importantly, I found the God of my understanding. And I'm I'm grateful that because when I I had never been clean before, this is the first time I've ever tried to get clean. I I I thought I was not going to be able to laugh anymore. I was not going to be able to enjoy life on life's terms socially, because what is there socially without drugs? But there's so much more without drugs. It's like having that if you don't have that peace of mind, you don't really know what I'm talking about. Yeah, nobody was drinking because my brother doesn't allow that in the house, but it it just got very overwhelming for me. Too much noise, and and the kids with the force to lie, you know, making too much being kids, and I was just being old, okay. I went, Oh, okay. I thought it was funny. It wasn't that bad because uh they uh recently furbished all the rooms and it was double pane glass, so I got to sleep. So, you know, when I when also when I think about willingness, I think about how willing am I to put up with something that that I don't love, and how willing am I to put up with something that I just love so much I want more of. And and then the will the willingness that I have now that is really it's it's it's all about love, it's because of narcotics anonymous and the God of my understanding. I have a really, really wonderful sponsor. She lives in Santa Cruz, California. And we get together every Tuesday with her sponsees and whoever I'm sponsoring, and their sponsees, and we all, you know, we read from we read from our literature and then we discuss what we've read, and and I'm getting to know the family a little better. So now I just figure if I'm in a relationship and some other woman wants my man and my man goes for it, they can have him.

SPEAKER_02 22:00

Jak to funguje tak to, że pan rakoman już nieczyćem smysl, że faktum premia wczoraj, tak nie musi być.

SPEAKER_01 22:09

Yeah. And peace comes from within, but still if you're surrounded by people who are non-peaceful, it can affect you. And there's anywhere between five to eight hundred people there on a daily basis. And what that meeting does for me, it's it's a fun meeting. It's a good meeting. But how can I explain it? I feel good going there and I leave. I leave feeling good. You know. So I went to go stay with my brother on hospice. And they told myself and my family I had two weeks to live. So after about three weeks, we went to an outside doctor. My friend did a go fund me, and I went to an outside oncologist at a different hospital, not with hospice, but just with the go fund me money. And with with her suggestion, I have been taking a pill every night at 9 o'clock. I'm not cured, but I'm telling you, that's where my willingness to have this faith in the God of understanding comes in. I'm not cured, but I think God has a better plan for me than the doctors did. And I have to remember that doctors are just practicing. Not that I'm like not good with money, I just don't like handling money. But I just wanted to say that if you're new, please keep coming back. Thank you for the interpreter, thank you for Renata and thank you, my family, for loving me. Loving me back to health. I love you guys so much. Thank you for letting me share.