Fire Your Committee of THEY!

#005 - Who are THEY?  And why do you let THEM tell you what to do?  The inner critics and the naysayers aren't your friends, and you need to FIRE THEM immediately!  Join host Dr. Charles Boyer for a lively romp through this provocative topic.

Transcript

Hello there!  Welcome to Keys for New Leaders! OR, welcome BACK if you’ve joined us for other episodes.  This is your host, Dr. Charles Boyer, but my friends call me Charlie, and that’s YOU, my friend.  If you haven’t already done so, please take a minute to SUBSCRIBE to this podcast so you will get announcements of future episodes and special events.  And, as before, I’ll include three coaching questions for you, as well as a SPECIAL KEY at the end of this episode.

The previous episode was about LISTENING and how important it is for leaders, especially new leaders, to be excellent listeners.  But it’s also important to note that there is a down side to listening as well that we need to consider in this episode – and that’s when you begin to listen to voices of doubt and the ones who tell you it can’t be done or the naysayers who don’t have anything positive to add and only serve to grind things to a halt.  THEY are your COMMITTEE OF THEY.  And you need to

FIRE YOUR COMMITTEE OF THEY!  Now, there’s a challenge for you:  FIRE YOUR COMMMITTEE OF THEY.  What in the world is a Committee of THEY?  Everybody has one, whether or not you realize it or will admit to it.  THEY are that invisible committee of people in your mind who try to tell you what to do or what to think.  And you should fire THEM immediately!

Just who is on YOUR Committee of THEY?  Well, everyone’s Committee is different, but there are some similarities.  Do any of these sound familiar to you?

·        THEY are the neighbors your mother wanted you to please

·        THEY are the ones who always tell you it can’t be done.

·        THEY are the experts, with more knowledge, more experience than you.

·        THEY are the cool people, the smart people, the popular people.

·        THEY are your own conflicting intentions that get in your way and stop you in your tracks.

What are THEY telling you – and what is it costing you to hire THEM?

·        The neighbors – you can’t do that or wear that.  What will THEY think?

·        The naysayers – THEY said it couldn’t be done, so I never tried.

·        The experts – THEY must know better.  Who am I to question THEM?

·        The cool people – THEY are laughing.  Are THEY laughing at me?

·        The conflicting intentions – THEY talked me out of doing what I really thought was best.

Now, what’s the REAL truth here?

·        What will THEY think?  The truth is, THEY probably won’t notice at all.

·        THEY said it couldn’t be done.  Oh, really?  Which one of THEM has tried it?

·        THEY must know better.  Who says so?  You’re giving a lot of credit where it isn’t due.

·        THEY are laughing.  Good for THEM.  Let THEM have a good time.  It’s not about you, anyway.

·        THEY talked me out of it.  No, THEY didn’t.  YOU did!

Why is it that we give more importance to what THEY think than to what we ourselves think?  We all do it.  The need to seek the approval of others is very strong, and we’ve been at it for centuries.  I recently logged onto a major search engine and typed in “others’ opinions.”  I got more than a million hits – everyone from Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius to computer guru Steve Jobs.  And here is what they said:

Marcus Aurelius:  I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.

Steve Jobs:  Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.

Just imagine what might have happened if some famous people from history had listened to their Committee of THEY:

·        If Edison has listened to THEM, we’d still be sitting in the dark.  It took him thousands of failed attempts before he was able to perfect the incandescent light bulb.

·        If Einstein had listened to THEM, he would have remained a slow talker and a failure at math.  Yes, he really did fail elementary math in school.

·        If Beethoven had paid attention to THEM, he would have stopped composing years before he had created many of his greatest masterpieces.  In 1804, a Vienna newspaper critic wrote:  “Beethoven’s Second Symphony is a crass monster, a hideously writhing wounded dragon, that refuses to expire…”  You know who Beethoven was.  Does anyone know who that critic was?  My point exactly!

Why do we put such value on what others think?  Caring what others think and seeking their approval can be a sign of low self-esteem.  Advertisers know this and use it to THEIR advantage – and you buy what THEY are selling because you want to be slimmer, faster, more glamorous, and on and on…

Low self-esteem can creep up on us in many ways.  We tend to condition ourselves to accept:

·        Waiting – waiting for permission, waiting for approval, waiting for someone else to tell us it’s OK before we do anything.

·        Powerlessness – a lie we tell ourselves to keep resisting what we CAN do, that others have more power, so there’s nothing we can do.  The saddest stories I’ve ever heard usually begin with “…but I didn’t have any other choice…”

·        Assumptions – we ASSUME that others know more than we do, that others can do better than we can.  We ASSUME that because something HAS NOT been done that it CAN NOT be done.

Well, who says so?  THEY do.  Your Committee of THEY.  THEY are very good at helping us measure ourselves against another’s standards.  I wonder – shouldn’t we compare ourselves to ourselves, rather than to others?  I like an expression I heard from a friend:

What you think of me is none of my business.  

Come to think of it, that would make a terrific T-shirt slogan!

FIRE YOUR COMMITTEE OF THEY! How do you do that?  Well, you can start by resolving to develop better self-esteem.  Sometimes it isn’t easy, and it does take time.  But YOU can do it!

Did you ever hear the story of the two wolves?  I’ve heard (and read) several different versions, but basically it’s the same story:  A wise old man tells his grandson that he has two wolves inside him.  One wolf is angry, bitter, filled with hatred.  The other wolf is filled with kindness, love, forgiveness.  “Which one will win?” asks the little boy.  Grandfather answers, “Whichever one you feed.”

Which inner wolf are you feeding?  You can begin to feed the kind, loving, forgiving wolf by loving and forgiving yourself.  Challenge that inner voice that is telling you that you are not good enough, that you’ll never make the team or get a promotion.  That “Inner Critic” can be very harsh – but only if you allow it to be.  Eleanor Roosevelt said, Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

Challenge your negative self-talk by nurturing and taking good care of yourself, my friend.  After all, you’re worth it!  Get enough sleep, eat healthy food, and get plenty of fresh air and exercise.  Don’t give a thought to what THEY think.  Remind yourself of all the things you do well, your strengths, your accomplishments.  There’s an old Johnny Mercer song, written in 1944 during the dark days of World War II.  It has a catchy title that I think of whenever I need a lift:  “Ac-cen-tu-ate the positive, E-lim-i-nate the negative…”  Lots of truth in that old song.  Find a copy – you can probably download it from somewhere on the Internet – and listen carefully to the words.  That song sent a great positive message in the 1940s, and the more I think about it, the message still applies today.

It will take some time, but you must re-program your brain to send you positive messages, rather than the negative ones you’ve been receiving from your Committee of THEY.  Here’s an example:  How would you finish this statement?

·        The grass is always greener …  Most people would probably say “…on the other side of the fence.”  Now just what does that tell you?  Well, it REALLY looks inviting.  It looks better than 

what I have on this side of the fence, BUT … it’s out of reach. BUT … I can’t go there. BUT … I can’t because …  BUT there are Boundaries … excuses … and all the other ways we make excuses for what we can’t do.  Get your BUT out of the way!  

·        How about this version:  The grass is always greener … where I water it.  Now what does that say?  There is no fence, no boundaries, no excuses, and you CAN go there and enjoy the lush, green grass.  Best of all, you CHOSE to do something positive by making your own grass greener!

This may be the most difficult part of firing your Committee of THEY, but it is most important:  ASK!  ASK for support from friends.  ASK friends and loved ones what they like about you.  ASK someone to listen – just to YOU.  ASK for help or explanation if there is something you don’t understand.  Most people are flattered by being asked, and THEY won’t think less of you for asking them.

Build yourself a good balance of self-confidence – it’s well worth your best efforts.  A healthy level of self-confidence often makes the difference between a successful leader and one who isn’t.

Jon Gordon wrote a fun and fascinating book titled The Energy Bus.  It’s a terrific book, and I recommend it highly to you.  Jon is a great champion of using the power of positive energy to create a wonderful life.  Jon’s book includes Ten Rules for the Ride of Your Life.  Here are just three of them:

·        You’re the driver of YOUR bus (in other words, it’s not about THEM)

·        Don’t waste your energy on those who don’t get on your bus (or, don’t worry about what THEY think)

·        Post a sign on your bus that says NO ENERGY VAMPIRES ALLOWED (that says THEY  aren’t welcome)

So, are you ready?  FIRE YOUR COMMITTEE OF THEY.  THEY aren’t YOU, and you don’t have to listen to THEM anymore.  Easier said than done, so THEY say.  I know YOU can do it!

I like to collect inspirational quotes, and here are a few I’d like to share with you:

Olin Miller:  We probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of us if we could know how seldom they do.

J. L. Herlihy:  Be yourself.  No one can ever tell you you’re doing it wrong.

Actor and comedian Danny Kaye:  Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.

And one of my favorites from Auntie Mame:  Live! Live! Live!  Life is a banquet, and most damn fools are starving to death.

FIRE YOUR COMMITTEE OF THEY.  YOU DON’T NEED THEM!

Here are a few questions to help you do just that:

1.     Who is on YOUR Committee of THEY?

2.     Which member of YOUR Committee would you most like to FIRE?

3.     What support do you need to take that first step?

And now for that SPECIAL KEY.  This time, it’s the Key of C – for Courage to take that first step to Fire THEM.  You can do it!  I have Confidence in YOU, my friend!

Hey, don’t forget to click on the Subscribe button.  I’m looking forward to building a good list of subscribers, and I’d sure like to have YOU with us.  I do hope you’re enjoying these podcasts.  I’m enjoying putting them together for YOU.

Next time, we’ll have a jam-packed episode on Team Building and Team Work with a twist – I call it “Herding Cats.”  Join us for the fun!

Until then, stay safe and well, my friend.