The Kindness Matters Podcast

Holidays, Grief, And Genuine Kindness

• Mike

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The holidays can feel like a spotlight—bright, demanding, and sometimes blinding—especially when there’s an empty chair at the table. We sit down with certified grief educator Maria Belanic, whose loss of her son reshaped how she understands healing, to talk candidly about what helps, what hurts, and how kindness can make the season more human. Instead of pushing forced cheer or tidy endings, we build a framework for real support that honors memories and respects limits.

Maria unpacks why grief doesn’t follow stages or timelines and offers her CARE pillars—Compassion, Acknowledge, Release, Embrace—as a steady guide through unpredictable days. Together, we challenge holiday myths, share simple scripts you can use right away, and normalize changing plans: keep a tradition, reinvent it, or skip it entirely. We talk about naming the person who’s missing, bringing a favorite dish in their honor, and asking better questions like “How are you feeling today?” that invite truth without pressure. You’ll learn how to set boundaries with hosts, plan graceful exits, and support someone who chooses to stay home without making them feel forgotten.

This conversation is about presence over performance and attention over avoidance. If you’ve worried about “saying the wrong thing,” you’ll hear clear, compassionate alternatives. If you’re grieving, you’ll get language to protect your energy and permission to be exactly where you are. And if you love someone who is grieving, you’ll discover small kindnesses that turn isolation into connection.

If this resonates, share it with someone who might need gentler holidays this year, then follow and leave a review so more people can find conversations that heal.

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“Intro music: ‘Human First’ by Mike Baker – YouTube Music: https://youtu.be/wRXqkYVarGA | Podcast: Still Here, Still Trying | Website: www.mikebakerhq.com 

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SPEAKER_01:

Down the street. Strangers. When not.

SPEAKER_02:

Doesn't matter. Welcome to the Kindness Matters podcast, a show that celebrates the powerful truth, that kindness can change the world. Every week I aim to shine a light on people and organizations making a positive difference in their communities, proving that compassion, empathy, and connection still thrive, even in challenging times. This podcast is about more than two stories low. It's about real impact through heartfelt conversations, inspiring acts, and physical example of humanity, the kindness matters podcast that invites listeners to rediscover the power of kindness as a force for human, growth, and genuine connection. If the message of this show resonates with you, please share it with your friends and family. Because when it comes to kindness, the ripple effect is the limitless. And she is a certified grief educator whose journey through the loss of her son reshaped her understanding of healing. Maria helps others today embrace grief as a testament to love and to find hope beyond stages and timelines. And her story reminds us that compassion and presence matter most. Thank you so much for being on the show today, Maria. I'm so happy to have you here.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, thank you so much, Mike. I am so honored to be on your show because kindness does matter. And also to share with your audience maybe some things that they hadn't thought about from a different perspective.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, and I mean as we're as we're going into the holiday season here, um, and every year about this time, I'm reminded that there are people in the world who are to quote Stanley Tucci from I can't remember the name of the movie, um Gurger Loins. Who was oh devil where's Prada? Gurger Loins, everybody. But you know, that there's a lot of people who are who are looking at the upcoming holidays, um, and and getting together with friends and family, and they may be experiencing a loss for the first time this holiday season, right? And and they don't know what to do. And and maybe some of their families are also where, you know, I don't want to say the wrong thing to Uncle Joe. Um, so I I think this is an important conversation to have. And and I I'm so happy that that you are here with me to to guide us through this, if you will.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, I appreciate that. And and I think sometimes, or I believe, Hollywood sells us a myth, which we bought into. Well, I'm sure they sell us a lot of myths, but did people killer and especially during the holiday times, because this is the time now that they have those holiday movies out. Uh, uh, every time you turn them on, it's it's the same sort of formula. But whatever it is, everyone seems to have this happy ending. They're always around the table, and whether they've experienced loss or not, just magically, yeah. They're okay. Yeah, right. Um, and that is not reality.

SPEAKER_01:

No.

SPEAKER_00:

The reality is we see the missing chair, we see who is missing, and we are dealing with feelings that at times we don't know what they are. They could be anger, sadness, frustration, um, whether it's at the person who's no longer here, who has passed away, and also at the people who are supposed to be comforting us, so to speak.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. And I think you brought it up perfectly. Um, people walk on eggshells when someone is grieving, whether it's a recent loss or even years later. There's this tiptoeing around of, well, we don't want to name the person who's not here. We don't want to say anything that's, and at times, and I get it, it's it is a dilemma. And I always say, bring the person's name up. Who's ever not here? It's okay to mention them because the griever, whether they're sad, is still going to be grateful that you had actually mentioned and remembered who was not here.

SPEAKER_02:

Didn't even think of it that way.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, because a lot of times we are kind of going, oh no, we don't want to upset them. And I think it's not so much the upsetting, it's more about we don't want to see the tears. We don't want to see, like all of a sudden, we don't want them to bring us down.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. Yeah, no, absolutely. I I and again, I never really thought of it that way. Um, but and and just a little backstory on this. You lost your your son, correct?

SPEAKER_00:

Correct.

SPEAKER_02:

To was it leukemia?

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, yeah. He had blood cancer for 11 years, uh, which changed. So it was an incurable blood cleaner, and so it did change into an AML, like acute myeloid leukemia. Um, and that's what he passed away from.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I am, I am so sorry. I I mean it's such a cliche at this point, but no, no parent should have to bury their child, right?

SPEAKER_00:

Correct, yes.

SPEAKER_02:

And but initially, after he passed, you you thought of grief the way we all think of grief, right? Okay, well, there's this step and this step and this step and this step. And then you eventually you came to a realization that that's not at all how it works.

SPEAKER_00:

No, I fell in the trap like many other people did, because we don't know anything. We happen to be grief illiterate, and most of the time that is actually what we've always seen. We've seen people who have grieved, who keep it silent, um, in some ways have been austerized because no one wants to talk to them about their loss or their person. And so a lot of times that is what we get. We get that tippy-toeing of, okay, it's happened, that person died. Now it's almost like, let's forget that they ever existed, is what it almost comes out to be like.

SPEAKER_02:

Right, right. Um, so and and and through this realization of yours that eventually led to your your business. Well, uh it is, it's a business. You're you're uh would you call yourself a coach or an educator, or what's the best and that's the the labeling.

SPEAKER_00:

It's really challenging because I always go, you can't really coach someone in grief. It is uh an educator guide almost. It's more of I say witnessing someone else's grief. It's not making anyone right or wrong of how their path looks like. Because a lot of times, and I was in that um, you know, in that aspect too, where we believe that grief is a destination, that we give it a timeline, that there's this framework, like, okay, this one here, you know, we passed now, all of a sudden, two, five years, ten years, like that seems to be like too long.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, it does. But I mean, no, but it's not really. Grief has no timeline, right?

SPEAKER_00:

It's it's a journey, the same way life is a journey, grief is a journey, and that's why I'm changing the language of how we review grief. I go, grief walks with us when we allow it to walk with us, and it's also we loss and love are in the same breath.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh wow. Wow. I never thought about that either. No, I see that's one of my questions. Look at you, you're just doing this all by yourself. No, and so okay, so when you talk about loss and love in the same breath, um, what practical steps can someone take to honor the memory of a loved one during holiday traditions without feeling like they're stuck in the past?

SPEAKER_00:

And that's a really valid question and good points. Um, one is to do what feels comfortable for that person. Do they want to keep the traditions that they had beforehand? Or do they find the traditions too painful and want to start something new? And it's really up to the person. Like, I don't want to say this is what you're supposed to be doing. It's sometimes maybe having the family dinner isn't what you want anymore. Maybe it's ordering pizza and being by yourself. That is okay. Or celebrating on a different day. No one said we have to celebrate right on the 25th.

SPEAKER_02:

True. And and yeah, I mean, we've seen that for other reasons too. I mean, there's a lot of you know, like mixed families these days, and everybody, you know, wants to do it on the 25th or whatever. And um, I know I always celebrated the 25th, and when I met my wife, she always celebrated on Christmas Eve. There is no right or wrong way to do it, right?

SPEAKER_00:

And that is so true. And one of the other aspects is that, especially when we think of tradition, the griever really has to care for themselves. I mean, I do have the killers, the pillars of care that I use, but one of the things is knowing your own boundaries and protecting your own space. Because when you're out in a gathering, no one's going to protect your space as much as you are. And at times anyone can be activated by a memory, a scent, a word. And one of the things is maybe you feel like you want to have company. You could say, okay, I'm gonna be going. And then all of a sudden something happens. Excuse yourself without giving a reason. You don't need to explain yourself, you just have to go, you know what? I gotta go. And leave that the options open. It's sort of like have a plan A, have a plan B, and be flexible whichever way it goes. Because none of us are going to know in that moment what we're going to feel like.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, you can make plans, and we all do that, right? And then you get there and you're like, this is not right. And and I love the fact that you're um that you're empowering the griever to to take control of a situation and say, this is not right for me right now. And maybe it will be some other time, but for right now, this I'm uncomfortable, or I'm, you know, whatever the case may be, whatever the feeling you may be having. And and don't be afraid to say that. Because your loved ones will understand.

SPEAKER_00:

And if they don't, then it's on them. I I think that's as a griever, and from my own experience, I've done this too. I've always wanted to make everyone else comfortable around me. And that in some ways then becomes even more uncomfortable. Because what happens is that as a griever, we put on a mask, we pretend, yeah, and all of a sudden, afterwards, we are even more exhausted rather than saying, as you said, empowering ourselves. And sometimes we may not even know what we want. Maybe five minutes in, we could say, Oh, I love this party. I'm so glad I came. Or five minutes in, we could say, What the heck am I doing?

SPEAKER_02:

Why did I agree to this? Yeah, uh, and and I think most grievers do this where they feel kind of a pressure to put on that mask, that happy face, that what have you. How can families create safe spaces for authentic emotions? Um what does that look like in practice?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, one is to actually go with what the griever is. Get the clues from where they're at, and don't make a big production of it. Um, for example, I'm going to say, and I'm not even going to use grieving as it. I'm also a vegetarian.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

And so beforehand, as a vegetarian, I find everyone would make such a big production of, oh, we had to make this special for you. Oh, you can't eat this. Oh, you and so the spotlight all of a sudden becomes on you. Yeah. And they want to show off that. Oh, we. I understand that people want to give you that that space and say, look, we're thinking of you. Do it in a quiet fashion without putting the spotlight on the person. Basically, treat them as you would any other time. Don't be rude as in, oh, you shouldn't be grieving right now. This is the holidays, you should be happy. All right. Like these kind of things that we want to say, or our favorite is always going, at least, at least you have friends that you can come to and visit.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh my God. That is, and you know, I I will say I probably used that, but I after I talked to your friend Heidi um last year, I thought about, I thought, oh my God, I used to do that so often. And how rude is that?

SPEAKER_00:

It's automatic. Um, and we do that without thinking, and yet for a griever, feels disrespectful when we say yeah, those two words, at least.

SPEAKER_02:

So what I'm hearing is open communication. For the griever, don't be afraid to tell your family or friends or what have you, what you're feeling, what you need, what you don't need. For your family, for the griever's family and friends, don't be afraid to ask if so just communicate, right?

SPEAKER_00:

So true. Communicate, and a lot of times we don't know how to communicate, how to voice what it is that we want. And a lot of times, sometimes as a griever, when you're setting boundaries, you can let your host know. Thank you so much for inviting me. I'd really like to come. I don't know how I'm going to feel on that day. I may show up, I may have to leave early, or I may stay if that's okay with you. Yeah. And most hosts are going to say yes, right?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

If they're a true friend, right? Because sometimes, you know, you want people who just want party people and want everyone to be happy and not walk on eggshells.

SPEAKER_02:

And along those lines, um, so how can friends and families support grieving loved ones who do choose to say, no, thank you. I I don't think I can attend that. How can they be be inclusive and um and supportive without still honor boundaries?

SPEAKER_00:

And that's a very good question. It really is about respecting the grievers' wishes, the person's wishes of what they want to do, and even the day of, just phoning them up, going, I'm thinking of you. Right? How are you doing today? How are you feeling? And whenever you're asking them, always put today or at this moment or right now. So end a sentence with when you're asking them, how are you feeling? Because that's an open-ended. So you want to say, How are you feeling right now? How are you feeling today? How are you feeling at this moment?

SPEAKER_02:

Perfect, yeah. That's uh similar to the how are you feeling really? Because people will automatically default to the I'm fine.

SPEAKER_00:

We do, and it really is, and sometimes even if the person wants to be alone, show up with a pizza, maybe, or whatever their favorite food is, or do um, I had actually heard of someone who basically included one of the favorite foods of the person who had passed away, right? Include the person who was no longer there, showing that, hey, I'm remembering. Yeah, I'm missing them too, rather than saying, oh, they're not here, they're gone, they're dead. Uh now we pretend that they haven't existed.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

Because that's a lot of times what a griever feels like is that everyone else has forgotten who their person is.

SPEAKER_02:

Huh. That's interesting. I had never thought of that. Um wow. So now we we talked about it a little tiny bit, but but talk to me more about your five pillars of care. Can you?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so my the the pillars of care were basically I came up with them from my own journey. So, and it is an acronym. So C is for compassion, to give ourselves the compassion that we crave and need. A is to acknowledge, acknowledge our thoughts and feelings without judgment. So many times we are making ourselves wrong for what we're feeling or what we're thinking. Yeah, especially in grief. Um, R is release, to release the regrets, the guilt, and the shame that we have surrounding the loss or what we could or couldn't have done. Our minds want to control things. We want to change the, we want to change the outcome. You know, those superpowers like if only I had done this, it wouldn't have happened.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Yeah. And E is to embrace, is to embrace who we are being right now and who we are becoming. Many people forget that grief changes us. And a lot of times in healing, we want to go back to the version that we were beforehand. And that's what a lot of friends and family want us to go back to. It's like, I want you to be the person you were beforehand. That doesn't happen anymore. We've been stripped away from sometimes our values, our beliefs, and our priorities. And now we're looking at who are we? Because our identity at times has been stripped away. I know mine was.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh wow. Wow.

SPEAKER_00:

And so we look at who are we now and being okay with who we are becoming.

SPEAKER_02:

So I I don't know how to phrase this properly, so I apologize in advance if it comes out as crass, but were you not seen as your son's mother anymore?

SPEAKER_00:

Or what I how do you uh in the regards of that, is that not that I wasn't seen as his mother. I think a lot of times people expected me to be who I was before he passed away. And a lot of times, and that's where I think I came up with a the care framework, is that people were constantly saying, Why are you stuck? You knew he was gonna die. At least you have another son, at least you have this. Why aren't you back to normal? And the more people kept saying that, the more we retreat into silence, into isolation. And so for 10 years, I always go, I walked in a limbo. I was like on automatic pilot, where the mask was plastered onto my face, but underneath it, I felt like I was broken. What's wrong with me? Why can't I fix myself? All these things. And then I realized grief wasn't going anywhere. It was walking with me, it was part of my journey, and that's why I go, it's love and loss in the same breath. Because I'm breathing and I'm breathing my love for my son, and I'm also breathing the loss. So it's the exhale almost, and with the release, it is the exhale. Have you ever tried holding our breath? How long can we hold it before our body says something's gotta give?

SPEAKER_02:

Right. It's different for everybody, just like grief. Yeah, okay. Sorry. So, and speaking of saying the wrong thing, if somebody were to tell you, um, I just I don't know about Uncle Joe coming, I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing. What do you say to that person?

SPEAKER_00:

I would say, you know, if you have love and kindness, be kind. Ask Uncle Joe. I I'm I don't know what to say, and I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing to you. I think sometimes we're not being honest with our own selves and with the people that we are dealing with. If Uncle Joe has a loss, let him know that you don't know what to say. And you'd like to be, you want to make him comfortable, not yourself. I think a lot of times when we reverse it, we're looking at, we're not looking at the griever and are we making them comfortable? We're looking at, are we comfortable being around them?

SPEAKER_02:

Right. Right, yeah, for sure. Um and speaking of being around people, I just keep falling into these. Um for those people who those grievers who deliberately isolate themselves, because I think that is kind of a it can be a tendency for some to just withdraw. Um what how can kindness in in small or big ways help reconnect people who feel alone, especially during the holidays?

SPEAKER_00:

A person feels isolated because they don't feel witnessed in their grief. And what do I mean by witnessed in their grief is they don't feel like they are being seen. So when someone is sharing their story, and a lot of times people will go, oh, they're saying the same story over and over again, they're telling me the same story of how their person passed away, or things like that. It's because they don't feel like they have been seen. And so a lot of times that's what it is is that if you can sit with them even in silence and allow someone to share their story, or to eat, or even ask them, tell me about what did so-and-so like at this time of year, or how what was their favorite food? Like, ask them about their person.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, that's so powerful because I know I I would and I've been in both of those places. Um I've been the the oh my god, I'm and I'm I was the one telling the story about my mom when she passed, like and I'm telling it, and in the midst of telling it, I'm going, you idiot, you have told this story five million times. I exaggerate a lot, but you get the idea, you know, and so I even knew I was doing it, but nobody judged me for it. Bless our hearts, bless our souls. Um so but by the same token, yes, the the whole I I can I can see where, you know. Mike, what was your mom's favorite traditions during the holidays, during Christmas, during Thanksgiving, whatever the case may be, you know, that would be so impactful to me, I think.

SPEAKER_00:

And it is, and I thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing, because realistically, that's what I I find your mother made an impact in your life, she was part of your life, yeah. And if she were alive, people would ask you those questions.

SPEAKER_02:

No, it probably wouldn't be okay.

SPEAKER_00:

But these are one of the things that we want people to ask us. What was one of your mom's favorite traditions? What did she like? Did she decorate or not? Or what's one of your funny stories that you remember about your mom at Christmas?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, right?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, it's it's honoring you as a griever, and it's also honoring your mother because they're saying, you know what? We value and we want to hear what you have to say.

SPEAKER_02:

That is so powerful. That is so powerful. Oh, I you know what? This has been so awesome. I I think this will help people, I hope. And maybe only one person, but if that's all it takes, or you know I I I appreciate what you've been through, first of all, and and secondly, your willingness to to teach others and to help others guide them through this process, because it's messy, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, totally. It's messy, and it's one of those aspects where I want people to feel comfortable who are grieving, whether they're grieving and sharing, and the people who are around them that love them to be comfortable, to say it's okay to be a mess. A lot of times we are a mess. I'm a mess without messy, and and and it's to be. To say it's all right. And I think that's the part that sometimes is missing. And I love your show because you're actually saying that kindness matters. And really, in grief, it is. We need to be kind to one another, compassionate, because none of us know what someone else is experiencing. And a lot of times we're going. I mean, and I'm a perfect example still. I shared with you earlier today. I had to remind myself to be kind because I wasn't happy my spouse.

SPEAKER_02:

Who are you not kind to? It happened. None of us are perfect. And and I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not perfect. But yeah, I mean when we hold ourselves up to that higher standard and circumstances and situations get in the way, and we sometimes lose that. Forget that. But thank you so much for taking the time, Maria. I really, really appreciate it. I appreciate your your openness and your willingness to share this with us. And um I maybe we can do another show sometime.

SPEAKER_00:

I'd love to. And this has been um such a pleasure and delight. Thank you so much, Mike. And of course, grief is my lane, and that's what I talk about.

SPEAKER_02:

I will have a link to your website in the show notes. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Kindness Matters podcast with my guest, Maria Balanik. Um I I hope that you're able to take something positive away from this conversation. Um I hope that it helps if you have holiday gatherings coming up with uh with somebody who has experienced a loss and maybe grieving. I hope that this um this episode left you feeling maybe a little easier, a little bit more hopeful uh about the state of the world that we all share. If you enjoyed this episode, please, please, please feel free to tell your friends, family, and co-workers about us. Also, don't forget to subscribe to our newsletter. There's a link in the show notes for that. And every month, for free, you will get uh a newsletter full of uplifting stories about people and organizations that are making our world a little bit better. Um, a little bit kinder. So go ahead and sign up for that, and of course, follow us on all of our social media accounts: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, LinkedIn, you name it. We are there, we would appreciate a follow. You have been listening to the Kindness Matters podcast. I'm your host, Mike Ratman. We will be back again next week with a brand new episode, and we would be honored if you would join us again. Until then, remember kindness matters, and so do you. Take care.