Kindness For The Man In The Mirror

The hardest kind of kindness is often the kind we refuse to give ourselves. I’m Mike Rathbun, and this is one of the most personal conversations I’ve ever shared, because it’s about men’s mental health, the pressure to stay “tough,” and what happens when we turn pain into silence.

I talk through the messages many of us learned as boys: walk it off, boys don’t cry, handle it yourself. Then we get specific about how depression in men can hide in plain sight. It doesn’t always look like sadness. It can show up as anger, irritability, sixty-hour workweeks, withdrawing from people who love you, drinking too much, vaping constantly, or scrolling your phone so you don’t have to sit alone with your thoughts. If you’ve ever looked fine on the outside while feeling worn down on the inside, you’re not alone.

A few weeks ago I completed a psychological assessment and received a diagnosis of major depressive disorder, recurrent, moderate, with anxious distress. I explain what that language actually means, why a diagnosis can be clarifying instead of crushing, and why men so often wait to get help. We also talk about the real stakes, including the sobering suicide statistics, and the practical paths forward: counseling, medication, and the many supports that can work together when we choose to participate in our own healing.

I’m also making a temporary change in August to focus on treatment while sharing the three most listened-to episodes each week. If this conversation hits close to home, please share it with someone you care about, subscribe for what’s next, and leave a review so more people who need this can find it.

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Intro music: ‘Human First’ by Mike Baker – YouTube Music: https://youtu.be/wRXqkYVarGA | Podcast: Still Here, Still Trying | Website: www.mikebakerhq.com

Transcript

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Welcome And A Personal Turn

SPEAKER_00 0:00

This is the Kindness Matters Podcast, a space for stories that inspire, challenge, and bring us a little closer together. If you've been looking for a reminder of the good in people, you're in the right place. Because kindness matters, and so do you.

SPEAKER_01 0:20

Hello everyone, and welcome back to the Kindness Matters Podcast. I'm Mike Rathman, and as always, I'm grateful you've chosen to spend a little time with me today. This episode is a little different. Um, in fact, it may be the most personal episode I've ever recorded. Over the years, we've talked about kindness in all kinds of ways, right? We've talked about showing compassion to strangers, extending grace to people we disagree with, supporting our neighbors, helping our communities, and finding ways to make the world just a little bit better. But today, I want to talk about a different kind of kindness. The kindness we show ourselves, especially as men. Because for a lot of us, the hardest kind of kindness to practice is that. If you've been listening to this podcast for any length of time, you know I try to keep these conversations honest. Not because I have all the answers, but because I think honesty creates connection. Sometimes the most meaningful thing we can do is simply admit that life is difficult and none of us has to walk through it alone. Today we're going to talk about men's health. We're going to talk about why so many men suffer in silence, why asking for help feels so difficult, and what happens when we don't ask for help, and why I believe that changing that conversation could literally save lives. So settle in. This is an important one.

The Rules Boys Are Taught

SPEAKER_01 2:09

Now, I don't know about you, but growing up, there were certain messages that seemed to follow boys everywhere, right? Be tough. Walk it off. Boys don't cry. Man up. Handle it yourself. Most of us have heard some variation of those our entire lives, right? And the people who said those things to us, they weren't trying to hurt us. They probably believed they were preparing us for life because resilience is important and life isn't easy, right? We all experience disappointment, heartbreak, loss, and failure. But somewhere along the way, many of us learned something else. We learned that emotions were something to hide, that asking for help was weakness, that strength meant carrying every burden ourselves. Those messages don't just disappear when we become adults, they become a part of us. They shape how we see ourselves, they shape how we respond when life becomes overwhelming. And unfortunately, they often keep us from getting the very help that could make all the difference.

Depression In Men Doesn't Look Sad

SPEAKER_01 3:29

One of the great misconceptions about depression is that it always looks like sadness. Sometimes it does, but not always, especially in men. Depression can look like anger. It can look like irritability. It can look like working sixty hours a week because being busy feels easier than being still. It can look like withdrawing from people who love us. It can look like drinking too much. Or smoking or vaping constantly. Or scrolling endlessly through our phones because we don't want to be alone with our thoughts. Sometimes it looks like losing interest in things that used to bring us joy. Sometimes it looks like simply surviving each day instead of actually living it. From the outside, everything can appear perfectly normal. We go to work, we pay the bills, we smile when people ask how we're doing. We make jokes. We keep showing up. Meanwhile, inside we're exhausted. The truth is, a lot of men become incredibly good at looking okay. Sometimes so good that even the people closest to us don't realize we're struggling. Sometimes we're so convincing that we fool ourselves. A few weeks ago, I completed a psychological assessment. For a long time I'd been wrestling with things that I couldn't quite explain. I was having trouble finishing projects. I felt overwhelmed more than I wanted to admit. My motivation wasn't anywhere near where it used to be. There were days when it felt like I was pushing a boulder uphill to accomplish just ordinary things. I knew something wasn't right. So I asked for help. When the results came back, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, recurrent, moderate, with anxious distress. I'll be honest with you. Even saying those words out loud feels strange. I debated whether I should share this with you. Part of me wanted to keep it private. Part of me worried that people might look differently at me. But a part another part of me realized something. If I couldn't have this conversation with the people who have welcomed me into their lives every week, then maybe I was proving the very point this episode is about. Now I want to be clear, I'm not gonna share any every detail of my assessment. Some things belong between myself and the professionals helping me. And I think that's okay. We all get to decide what part of our story we share. But I do want to tell you what that diagnosis means, because mental health diagnoses often sound scarier than they really are. Major depressive disorder. It doesn't simply mean feeling sad. It describes a condition that can affect your mood, your motivation, your concentration, your sleep, your energy, and even your ability to enjoy things that once made you happy. The word recurrent simply means that this isn't the first depressive episode I've experienced. And I didn't even fully recognize it at the time. Moderate describes the severity. It's significant enough to affect daily life, but it's also very treatable. And with dis anxious distress means that alongside the depression, there's persistent worry, tension, racing, racing thoughts, and difficulty relaxing. Learning that diagnosis didn't make me feel broken, oddly enough. It helped me make sense of things. It gave a name to something that I'd been carrying for a long time, most of my adult life, probably, without fully understanding. And names matter. Because once we know what we're dealing with, we can begin

Diagnosis, Stigma, And Why Men Wait

SPEAKER_01 8:09

treating it. So why do so many men wait? Why did I wait until I was very nearly 66 years old before seeking help? Why do we convince ourselves that we'll figure it out on our own? Part of it's pride, part of it's fear. Some of it is embarrassment. Some of it is worrying that people will think we're weak. Most of us don't want to burden our families. We tell ourselves other people have it worse. Or I just need to tough it out. But depression doesn't respond to willpower. You can't shame yourself into healing. You can't simply man up your way through a medical condition. If you broke your leg, you wouldn't expect positive thinking to heal the bone. Mental health deserves that same compassion. And the numbers tell a heartbreaking story. In the United States, nearly eighty percent of all suicide deaths are men. Think about that. Four out of five people lost to suicide are fathers, sons, brothers, husbands, coworkers, neighbors, and friends. Research also suggests that millions of men experience depression or anxiety every year, yet fewer than half receive professional treatment. Experts believe those numbers are actually much higher because many men never report their symptoms at all. Instead of saying dip I'm depressed, they say they're stressed. Instead of saying they're anxious, they say they're tired. Instead of asking for help, they simply disappear into work, alcohol, isolation, or distractions. Untreated depression doesn't just affect our emotional health. It increases the risk of substance misuse. It strains marriages and friendships. It contributes to physical problems like heart disease. It affects careers. And in far too many cases, it leads to a tragedy that could have been prevented. Those aren't just statistics. Those are people. People who mattered. People who were loved. People whose stories have ended far too soon. Here's something depression is very good at. It lies. It whispers. Nothing will ever change. It tells you you're alone. It tells you you're a burden. It convinces you that asking for help won't matter. But depression isn't reality. It's an illness affecting the way your brain interprets reality. Treatment doesn't magically erase every struggle, but it helps restore perspective. It reminds us that hope is still possible. That healing is possible. That tomorrow doesn't have to

What Getting Help Can Include

SPEAKER_01 11:30

look like today. Help looks different for different people. For some it's counseling. For others, it's medication. Still others, it's a combination of both. And for others, exercise, better sleep, faith, trusted friends, support groups, or learning healthier ways to cope. Sometimes it's a combination of many of those things. Healing isn't a one-size-fits-all solution. But here's what I've learned healing requires participation. We have to take the first step. We have to make the appointment. We have to answer honestly when somebody asks how we are doing. We have to believe that we're worth helping. And we are, every single one of us. One of the themes of this podcast has always been kindness. Not because kindness fixes everything, but because kindness changes people, right? I'd like to ask you a question. Would you speak to your best friend the way you speak to yourself? Would you tell someone you love that they are worthless? That they'll never get better? That they're asking for help is pathetic? Of course not. So why do we say those things to ourselves? Kindness has to begin there with the voice inside our own heads, with giving ourselves permission to struggle, permission to heal, permission to be

Stepping Back In August And Next Steps

SPEAKER_01 13:13

human. Before I wrap up today, I want to share one more thing with you. As I begin this journey, um, I've decided to make a small change, temporary change. During the month of August, uh, I'm gonna step away from the recording of new episodes so I can focus on my treatment and my mental health. That wasn't an easy decision. I there I felt like I was letting my listeners, you people, down by doing that. But after everything we've talked about today, it would feel pretty hypocritical if I encouraged all of you to seek help while refusing to give myself the time and space to do the same. Now, don't worry, the podcast isn't going anywhere. Um, every Thursday during August, you'll still find a new episode waiting for you. But rather than brand new conversations, I'll be sharing the three most listened to episodes in the history of the Kindness Matters podcast. If you're new to the show, it'll be a chance to hear those episodes that have resonated most deeply with my listeners. And if you've been with me from the beginning, maybe you'll hear them again with fresh ears. And, God willing, I'll be back in September with new conversations, renewed energy, and maybe even a deeper appreciation for what it means to extend kindness to ourselves as well as to others. If you're listening today and something I've said sounds familiar, please don't wait. Talk to someone a friend, a family member, your doctor, a counselor, someone you trust. You don't have to carry this by yourself. Asking for help does not make you less of a man. It doesn't make you weak. If anything, it makes you incredibly brave. Because courage isn't pretending everything is okay. Courage is telling the truth even when it's difficult. Especially when it's difficult. Thank you for for letting me share this part of my journey with you. Thank you for creating a community where conversations like this are possible. And if this episode reaches one man who's been suffering quietly, if it encourages just one person to make a phone call, to schedule one appointment, or simply tell someone, I'm not okay, then this conversation will have been worth it. As always, thank you for listening. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other. We will see you in September.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

This episode is made possible by the generous support of people like Sue Jackson, Dave Lewis, and John Teblin. I appreciate you so much for tuning into this episode of the Kindness Matters podcast. And if you found value in this episode, it would mean the world to me if you shared it with a friend or a family member or a coworker or took a moment to leave a comment or review. It's one of the best ways to help others discover this show. If you'd like to support the show like Sue, John, and Dave, we have both two and one time support options available on Find Me a Copy, as well as the merchbox. You'll find both links waiting for you in the show notes. And if supporting isn't financially possible right now, click the OK. The most meaningful way you can support the show is by doing one small act of random timest each day.