Disagree Without Being Disagreeable

The fastest way to lose trust is to “win” with power. We start with a simple question that shows up everywhere from leadership meetings to group chats: how do you disagree with people without becoming disagreeable? Along the way, we call out a pattern that feels normal right now, using authority, volume, or status to force agreement, and we name the real cost: you create compliance, not commitment, and you train people to stop thinking out loud.

We talk through why power moves can look effective in the moment but limit growth over time. A team built on yes-people can’t adapt, and a leader who always needs to be right eventually hits a wall. One of the most helpful reframes we’ve ever heard anchors the conversation: do you want to be right, or do you want to be in relationship? We unpack what “relationship” means in a practical workplace sense, keeping enough respect and curiosity to understand another perspective and stay effective together.

Then we get tactical. We lean on a simple decision approach that emphasizes options, because options turn conflict into collaboration. You’ll hear specific phrases you can use with a boss when you’re nervous to speak up, like “I see this differently. Are you willing to have a conversation about it?” and “Can we explore other options, or has the decision been made?” We also cover how to handle peer conflict, how to avoid the stuff-it-then-explode cycle, and how to decide when an issue is truly worth pushing on.

If you want better conflict resolution, stronger communication skills, and more psychological safety on your team, hit play. 

Transcript

Karman 0:30

Good morning, Tammy and Scott. Good morning, Karman.

Scott 0:37

Good morning, Karman. And you know, like life, we need more cowbells.

Karman 0:42

More cowbell. I have a cowbell.

unknown 0:47

Yeah.

Karman 0:50

So I I had a couple of little noisemakers here that audience, we have decided Zoom will not record. But I found them in my son's old bedroom where he used to game. And when he would game and like, you know, get into arguments with his gaming buddies. And then he would have these like bells or whistles, literally bells of whistles, that he would use to like call them out on things. And sometimes listening to my son, you know, my 16-year-old son, who was no longer 16, but and the way that he would talk to his gaming buddies, I would walk through and be like, that's not how we talk to people. You know, like 16-year-old, imagine like 16-year-old boy caught talking to other 16-year-old boys about their performance in a game. So my question for you guys today, Scott and Tammy, is how do we disagree with people without being disagreeable?

Tammy 1:57

Scott, have you have you learned this skill?

Scott 2:00

Nope. I'm the CEO. I don't need to learn this skill.

Karman 2:04

You are so the the concept of this question.

Tammy 2:09

The whole premise, I have power, I have no need. I can use power to get everything that I want.

Scott 2:16

For sure.

unknown 2:17

For sure.

Karman 2:19

I guess you know, I suppose if the question were how do you disagree effectively, the answer would be so you didn't ask that question. No, that's not the question.

The Hidden Cost Of Leading By Force

Scott 2:30

He said, How do you? And I said, uh, you don't need to, you just have power and you're good. There are so many examples in our world today that may demonstrate that. Anyway, to the premise of your question.

Tammy 2:43

Yeah. And and I think that's part of the problem, right? Is that the way that we like experience the world right now is that the way that you win is power and authority. He who has the biggest bat wins, or he who talks the most smack wins, right? In that space. And as much as that might be the examples that we are seeing in the world, there's a downside to using power and authority to get what you want, right? So, Scott, what's the downside of saying I'm the big dog and all of you have to bow down to my perspective, my wishes, my right? What's the downside?

Scott 3:38

Yeah, well, I mean, the the reality becomes is you limit the organization to be you, right? You'll never out, you'll never grow beyond that person. And if we just talk about the organization, let's assume even if you're always right, that is gonna get you so far. But at some point, if you're not constantly growing, expanding, etc., you're gonna hit a roadblock. And along the way, you are doing all of this people damage. You're you're you're basically creating jump how high order taker compliance, right? Right, everybody behind you. There is a time and a place that I need that.

Tammy 4:19

Correct.

Scott 4:20

And that is not a hundred percent of the time. That's a smaller, less in my experience, less than probably less than 20% in my mind.

Tammy 4:29

Well, so I love that. Like, okay, one, assuming you're right all the time. Great. Okay. And we do have some brilliant leaders who are really good. And so they're right a lot. Okay. Downside, however, is there may come a time that you're not right. Downside is you're creating yes, men and women behind you, compliance behind you. You're not teaching them to think, which means when you need them to actually think and weigh in, you are creating a place where they're not going to be capable of that anymore. And then, Scott, I'm gonna add one. When I was a kid, there was a song, Big Bad Leroy Brown. Okay, oh, badest man, the whole damn town.

Scott 5:15

Better than old ping Kong, meaner than Duckyard Dog. That song, right?

Tammy 5:20

Love that song. Right? It's a great song, and you know, he was the guy who like owned that area that he was in until what happened.

Scott 5:34

Oh, till somebody bigger than him. I I don't remember the guy's name at the end of the song, but yeah, somebody comes and basically beat the snot out of him.

Right Versus Relationship And Real Goals

Tammy 5:43

So the thing about that is is that yeah, you can be the big powerful person, you can be right most of the time, you can create a whole bunch of people who will follow you and say yes, sir, or yes, ma'am, who are not thinking, who will do your bidding, minions, right? And that works until there's a crisis that we need more than you, or someone bigger, badder, meaner comes and cleans your clock. And the fact of the matter is, if you look at our world, that's what happens over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. It is the way of man that we have people who think power and authority gets you places until there is another alternative. There is another alternative, and it's one that folks don't take very often, right? And that is how can we do it together?

Scott 6:41

Yeah. Well, and I don't remember, and Tammy, it may have been you, it may have been someone else. What has always stuck with me is the question, do you want to be right or do you want to be in relationship?

Tammy 6:53

That was what my counselor told me when I was Michael and I were struggling. And he literally looked me straight in the face and he asked me that question. And I was like, Oh.

Scott 7:03

I want to be, I I want, I want both.

Tammy 7:06

I want to be right and I want Michael around in my life. And he was like, it doesn't work that way.

Scott 7:13

And so I think, I think when you look at it, it's this element of, and we can sit and say, Well, gosh, I don't, you know, hey, they're my competitor. I don't want to be in relationship. Yeah, or like they're my employees. I don't want to, well, relationship doesn't have to mean we go and have beers after work. Relationship doesn't mean we're gonna go get married or be in romantic related. It just means can I at least understand their perspective?

Tammy 7:40

And do I have enough space in my life to allow other perspectives to have some validity? Yes. Or am I so damned egotistical and so in my own head that I really don't think that other perspectives, other experiences, other ways of seeing the world could possibly be right. That is so it blows my mind when I think about how egotistical it actually is, when it's like you don't you don't even consider that there could be another perspective other than your own.

Scott 8:19

Right. For me, it's just fascinating to think about, you know, what what are you really trying to accomplish and why? And it it's and it's almost like when you're fighting, like the thing that I why are you fighting? And to me, coming back to what are you fighting about and what's the real problem? Because if I can say, hey, the real problem is this, now I can problem solve versus I can sit and fight and argue and debate and like okay, how does that how does that help? Now, don't get me wrong, for those who know me, yes, like I do enjoy the occasional debate, but at the end of the day, how is that helpful?

Use Options To Defuse Conflict

Tammy 8:58

Well, uh Scott, I'm even gonna take it back to another spot. If we just go to the road model that is in our book, think our is reflect, and it really is what do we know? Like what's happening now? What's the information? What are we trying to achieve? Right? That's that first thing, our road, reflect. But the next letter in road is oh, it's options, right? Right. And I think there are a lot of people who they go, here's the information, here's the answer, and they don't take the time to recognize how important options are. And if I am rejecting other perspectives, to go back to Karman's question, right? If I think my answer is the only one, I am not actually exploring what could be. And when we are not exploring what could be, we could come up with answers that may not work. We may come up with some par sub-par answers, right? And just a little bit of time and options actually allows us to be able to go past that. So for me, a big part of it is hey, quit thinking that you have all the world's answers in your back pocket and you know everything, and open the door and just say what could be possible. And if you as a human being are willing to do that, then it's really easy for me to disagree with you. Okay, because I'm not disagreeing with you, I'm bringing another option to the table.

Karman 10:36

And that works if your perspective is I'm afraid of conflict, as well as if I think it's hilarious that both of you have like interpreted this as like, I'm the person who's right, and I want to disagree, and I'm gonna be obnoxious about it when a lot of people I coach who are looking for help in this area are like, I disagree, and I'm afraid to speak up. But your point of like, how do we come to and they probably just need to grow a pair, frankly.

Simple Phrases That Open Dialogue

Tammy 11:10

Yes, and oh, I mean bosses, bosses have power, okay. And usually this is so the first message in this is hey bosses, you know, don't be big bad Leroy Brown, okay? Yeah, because someone's gonna come and undermine you. It's just it's what happens. The second piece of that, in all honesty, is to recognize that okay, I am that person, I am an employee, bosses have power. Okay, got it. And they're not perfect, they're just humans, and we have to find a way to be able to bring things to the table in a way that they can hear us. Waiting until we get frustrated, and then we're like, cute, this is so stupid. We shouldn't be doing that. Because that's the other thing that happens, Karman, is that they get they're they're afraid to speak up, they stuff it, they stuff it and stuff it until they can't stand it anymore, and then it explodes and nobody can hear you then. Okay. There's some really easy phrases though, things like this. I see this differently. Are you willing to have a conversation about it? If the answer is no, you got your answer.

Scott 12:20

Yeah, it's okay. Oh, yeah. And the other way I might do it is if I'm not sure if that decision is like a final, final decision, I might say, you know, is hey, you're suggesting we go down to the left. Are we able to look at other options? And you might be told, no, we cannot. This this we have to do this, and you might learn something like, oh, it's a regulatory thing.

Tammy 12:45

Or it's not even your boss's decision, it was their boss's boss's decision, and this person is following directions in that spot as well. So, like finding out if there is any other like can we explore this or not? That is a really great question to ask. Can we explore this or has this decision been made? If the decision's been made, like a line, okay. But asking that question, I can't imagine someone getting really mad, right? I have another, I have another thought. Is that something we can talk about or not? Or has this decision been made?

Scott 13:23

And this, if you're the individual, it's yes, you do have to self-advocate. And Karman's point is true. Sometimes people are concerned or nervous or whatever it is, like they may have to do some self-work to say, hey, how do I muster up the energy and and confidence to do this? And or like if the boss is really jumping down their has jumped down their throat, they may have a reason to be cautious. And right, that's to me, that's a whole other podcast. It is, but it's yeah, questions that's it, it is a total reality. And I just want to have a conversation. So to me, it's can we have a conversation? And as a leader, can you be open to having a conversation? And if, and let's just say if Tammy's coming to me and we're constantly having conversations, I as a leader might need to say, hmm, I'm not doing a great job explaining the why. Or I'm making two quick decisions and we need to explore more options.

Tammy 14:27

Or Tammy is not hearing the boss say the decision's been made and she still gets pushed back.

Scott 14:33

Yes. So I I need I need to look at these and say, hey, what what path is it? And and my course of action is going to be different depending on what path that is.

Is It Worth Pushing Back

Tammy 14:43

So, in all honesty, if you are an employee, right, and you have a boss and you are frightened and you haven't tried, you haven't tried. Your history is just it just you authority scares me and I don't push back. Then these phrases, hey, I have another perspective. Is that something we can talk about? You're asking permission to bring another idea to the table. That's a really good way when you are talking to power. Okay. So that is a great way. Now, if it's a peer, I don't ask permission. I don't need to ask permission from a peer. When it's a peer, it's like I see that differently. And then I just tell them, okay, this is my perspective. And when I get done, I'm like, so that's mine, that's yours. How can we move forward together? So oftentimes it's a matter of like, there's some stuff in this, in your perspective and my perspective that's the same. Let's start on that, right? But notice in that space, I didn't ask permission because I didn't need to. We're a peer. But with a boss, I almost always do because it's respectful, right? So I see this differently. Can we talk about it? That's what I say to a boss. A peer, I see that differently. We just share it and say, okay, now we've heard two sides. Now what? And we start that problem-solving spot. And you just don't wait and get frustrated and then think yelling and screaming is going to get you there or tearing someone down is going to get you there. Because that never, ever, ever works. People can't hear you then.

Scott 16:16

No, I I think that's I think it's spot on. So to me, it's I I need to assess what's what's the situation. Is it worth? Because sometimes it's also I need to make a decision. Is it worth even a conversation? Like I need to, I need to do my work to say, all right, am I just being a whiny little bitch and I need to suck it up? Or is this something that really is worth pushing on?

Tammy 16:40

And by the way, we should we should talk real quickly about that. Is it worth it? That doesn't mean, is it worth me getting out of my comfort zone?

Karman 16:50

For sure.

Tammy 16:51

Right? No, is this thing that I want to disagree with, is it important enough that I am going to in this space take the opportunity to do it? All right. If it is like just a personal preference or whatever it is, sometimes you need to suck that up. But if it is like an organizational issue or even a personal, like like you're it's crossing value lines or something along those lines, those are the time periods when you really should speak up. But don't say, oh, it's not worth it because it's not worth my energy. Okay. Oh, that means you're running away and you are not learning these skills of being able to disagree without being disagreeable. Because it is a skill set. I mean, most people are not like, hey, I came out of the womb, conflict ready, right? I mean, it truly is a skill set to learn how to have these conversations and not blow up the room and not blow up the relationship. Because I can disagree with people and still be in relationship. That's not a problem if I know how to have the conversation, how to open it, how to walk through disagreement, how to find common ground and how to come up the other end with something that we can move forward with. Sometimes it means I changed my mind. Sometimes it means they changed their mind. Sometimes it's compromised. Sometimes it's a brand new solution because we just took the time to talk about it. Okay. So don't think about it as winning or losing. It is truly about did we find a solution that will get us to the outcome we're looking for? Because that's why we should be having conversations, not about this power play. I win, you lose.