WOFOYO SHORT: The Absalom Principle

Grief can be real and still be dangerous when it blinds us to the people who are faithfully standing in front of the fight. We jump into 2 Samuel and follow the long, messy road from Absalom’s family tragedy to open rebellion, then land on a moment that feels uncomfortably modern: Joab looking David in the eye and calling out the king for shaming those who just saved his life.

From there, we bring the Scripture into everyday relationships and Christian life. What do you do when someone keeps excusing the person who mistreats them, but grows cold toward the one who tries to help? We talk about perception, respect, and the “spiritual filter” that can make control feel normal and kindness feel suspicious. We also touch the hard realities many believers are naming right now: spiritual abuse, misuse of authority, manipulation, and the way unhealthy church culture can train people to tolerate what they never should have tolerated.

We keep it practical and personal: pay attention to patterns, set loving boundaries, invest in relationships that produce good fruit, and don’t confuse obedience to God with enabling bad behavior. If you’ve wrestled with toxic dynamics, church leadership wounds, or the challenge of living in the liberty of Christ, this is for you. 

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Transcript

Welcome And Setup

SPEAKER_00 0:15

Everybody, welcome to another Woe Fo Yo short. This is C Dub. I was reading in 2 Samuel here recently, and before I get into the scripture verse, we're going to get into just a little bit of background. David has a son named Absalom. Absalom has a sister named Tamar, and they both have a half-brother named Amnon. Amnon gets feelings for his sister, and based upon the recommendation of a friend, he tricks her and seduces her and then won't even do the right thing and marry her. So he's put her to shame. David's mad, but he never does anything to Amnon. Absalom waits for a period of time and kills Amnon in cold blood. And David is actually relieved of the whole situation. Well, he's committed murder, so Absalom goes to kind of one of the cities of refuge, if you're familiar with that principle that's in the Old Testament. So they bring him back, but they don't allow him into the palace. And eventually there's this rebellion. It says that Absalom starts executing judgment and he stole the hearts of the people away from David. Basically, he declares himself king, has some co-conspirators. Bottom line, David's on the run. He does some things with David's concubines. And that's the Lord saying that's payback for what you did with Bathsheba. He said, You committed that sin privately, in secret. And he said this through Nathan the prophet. He said, But if somebody's going to lay with your concubines, it's going to be out in the open. His son Absalom does it. Basically, it gets to a point where things cannot be resolved, which is one of the reasons behind laying with the concubines. They actually get Absalom and his army on the run. David's army does. And his captain, name is Joab, is a relative. And he said, Hey, take care, take care of business, but don't kill Absalom. Well, lo and behold, Absalom's riding on a donkey. He gets his hair caught in the branches of a tree. So Job goes goes out and kills him. And then David finds out about it. And he's happy that the army has been defeated. What about Absalom? And he goes, Oh, my son Absalom, Absalom, I wish I could have died in your place. Here we go to get in the word for ourselves. I know that's a long background, but this is a drawn-out affair here with Absalom. David's captain, Joab. You wouldn't want to go up against Joab, man of action, a man of violence. This told Joab, Behold, the king is weeping and mourning for Absalom. This is 2 Samuel chapter 19, that was verse 1. So the victory that day was turned into mourning for all the people, and all the people heard that day, the king is grieving for his son. And the people stole into the city that same day, as people steal in who are ashamed that they flee in battle. The king covered his face, and the king cried out with a loud voice, O my son Absalom, O Absalom, my son, my son. Then Joab came into the house to the king and said, You have today covered with shame the faces of all your servants, who have this day saved your life and the lives of your sons and your daughters, and the lives of your wives and concubines, because you love those that hate you, and you hate those who love you. For you have made it clear today that commanders and servants are nothing to you. For today I know that if Absalom were alive and all of us were dead, today you would be pleased. Now therefore arise, go out and speak kindly to your servants, for I swear by the Lord, if you do not go, not a man will stay with you this night, and this will be worse for you than all the evil that has come upon you from your mouth until now. And the king arose and took his seat in the gate, and the people were all told, Behold, the king is sitting at the gate, and all the people came before the king. You know, one of the things in reading first and second Samuel, and then again in first and second Kings, first and second chronicles, even some of the books of the Torah, but especially when you get in these historical books, if you're paying attention to what's going on, you're dealing with monarchies, you're you dealing with armies, you're dealing with people in authority, and therefore there's an element of political theater involved here. Some of these things can be like they're right out of today's headlines if you're willing to look. Are these the most exciting books to read? No. Some of them get in a long drawn-out list of names and genealogies, but those are important. They are important, but I'm not going to tell you they're exciting, but they are important. One of the things I saw here was there was a person I knew, and out of respect, I'm not going to say who they are, but it was a family member that one of the things that just boggled my mind, and a family member by merit, he is the first one that I noticed it in. Great guy. Just super great guy. Love the Lord, phenomenal guy. But it boggled my mind because I looked at his interactions with people, and I'm going, This is making no sense. But it reminded me of what Joeb had said, said uh in verse six, you love those that hate you and you hate those that love you. And this guy was a business owner, good dude, but his flaw was this. If you treated him like crap, he thought you hung the moon. And if you tried to do what was right and help him, he treated you second class. And he is not the only person that I've seen do that. That's something that really boggles me. And I think sometimes there can be a perception issue. Sometimes it can be spiritual in your filter. There's people that will allow themselves to be mistreated and think that the person mistreating them is good as gold. And those that try and help, it's like, what are you doing? They look down upon their nose and almost seem offended that somebody tried to help or treated them good. And it's not like a charity kind of help, but just because it's the right thing to do. Almost had that happen to me, and I established some parameters in a very loving way, and that was respected. But I think a lot of it has to do with respect. Sometimes we don't think about those that help us, but this is something to keep an eye out. Uh, I've I've seen this in the church as well, that you have those that, oh, I need help, I need help. And if you dare to help, then you're just no doggone good. But if you're the one helping to put them in a that person in a bad situation, they'll try and understand you all day long. I think there can be a spiritual filter to this. If you're used to being controlled, if you don't know how to walk in the liberty of Christ, Christ has made us free. He has made us free from the curse of the law. But people that have trouble walking in the liberty of Christ will often succumb to being manipulated, controlled, misused, and abused. And we're seeing a lot of this happen in the church. We're seeing a lot of this stuff come out here in the Western church, particularly in some of the charismatic circles, not limited to charismatic circles. But we're seeing that there's been a lot of I've heard the term abuse used. Well, that's a very vague term, but it, yeah, people are being mistreated, and it's coming about, it's coming to light, and thank God that it is coming to light. Uh now I pray that we deal with it in the right way. But this is one thing to be on the lookout to. Are we in our attitudes, are we doing this? Because if the Lord showed this to me, then I know one of the things I really need to look at is am I am I crapping on those that are trying to help? Like David did, you know, because this is the way it's perceived. And maybe he was just so much torn up about Absalom, we can get to where we don't see the forest for the trees. Uh, when Bones and I, right as we were going into the wilderness, you know, the Lord called us out of the churches we were active in, but we were looking for a new church home. We were looking, you know, this is what you're supposed to do. And we would go in and, oh, this is going on in this church, and this is, oh my gosh, you're you're prophetic and this and that. And I'm not trying to downplay that, but I'm also not trying to take up a bunch of titles. All I'm saying is the Lord was showing us some things, but it was easy to see it because we were outsiders looking in, and everybody else was so involved that they couldn't see what was going on. You had a lot of misuse, you had a lot of um misuse of authority, and and the thing about it is people wanted it. They wanted to be told what to do, they wanted to be controlled. It was too uncomfortable for them to live by grace, and then also you can have that combination that I've seen with people that everything's just off. It could be a spiritual issue, can be. It could be a mental issue, perception issue, can be. It could be a self-esteem issue. Definitely can be that, and I've seen it. But be aware of this. You know, the Lord's shown it to me, therefore I'm gonna be aware of it. Thought I would just share it to you in this short. Be aware of how people treat you, be aware of how you treat people. Realize that unless the Lord just called you into a certain situation and says, be obedient at all costs, uh, you don't have to put up with a whole bunch of BS and being mistreated. And and look how people are treating you. Invest time with those that it's gonna pay off to maintain those associations. If you have associations and relationships that are harmful, then pray about it. But I would advise drop it like a dirty shirt, and the Lord might be telling you different, so obey the Lord. But unless He's saying keep it up, then I would ditch it until there's a certain amount of mutual respect given. Who's treating you right? Who's treating you wrong? And are you enabling this? Because at the time David was. And if it's shown to us in that word, it's shown to us for our benefit. So make sure you're not doing that, but also more importantly, make sure that you're praying and being led in your relationships by the word and by the Holy Spirit. Wofo yo. Everybody, thanks for listening. We hope this challenges you and causes you to grow. You can always check us out at woefo.org or subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Audible, or even check us out on YouTube. For Bones and myself, this is C Dub, reminding you that if you're going to grow, you got a Woefo Yo. Get in the word for yourself.