My Story (Extended Dance Version)

This is the long version of my story. Prefer the Cliff Notes? Listen to the trailer…

Otherwise, sit back and hear the tale of how a first-generation college student, born and raised on the beaches of SoCal, found herself completing a PhD at Brandeis University, only to have her life profoundly changed by unexpected news. The story is full of twists and turns (probably not unlike yours) and ends with how COVID-19 was the catalyst for the creation of the Happy Doc Student podcast. I believe you can graduate with your sanity, health, and relationships intact.  

Thanks for listening and I look forward to connecting with you on the next episode. Until then, I’m wishing you more joy in your journey.

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Transcript

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I believe that this is a problem that is prevalent throughout many sectors of society, but certainly the expectation is there in most graduate programs that you are to focus on your research at the expense of everything else in your life. Your listening to the Happy Doc Student Podcast, a podcast dedicated to providing clarity to the often mysterious doctoral process. Do you feel like you're losing your mind? Let me and my guests show you how to put more joy in your journey and graduate with your sanity, health and relationships intact. I'm your host Dr. Heather Frederick. And this is episode one. In this episode, I'll be giving you what I'm calling the extended dance version of my story. For those of you who don't feel like you need the nitty gritty details, just listen to the short version I have in the trailer. But for those of you who enjoy a good story, go ahead and sit back, relax, and let me tell you my tell. My parents are high school graduates who valued education. I remember being very, very young, I would go so far as to say I was probably kindergarten, first grade, and my mom telling me that if I got an education, I would have many more opportunities than she and my dad. I was the first born. I have a little brother and I was really comfortable in my role as the family academic, my brother kind of had the surfer art thing covered. And so I just kind of fell into this role of the nerd and I was quite happy there. And growing up in Southern California, we spent most of our weekends as a family down at the beach. I didn't really have any academic role models, but I definitely knew enough that I should care about my GPA and show up for the sat. A I wasn't avaledictorian or in any advanced placement classes, but I did do well in high school. I ended up at SDSU because it was close and it was affordable. Back then in the late eighties, you could literally wait tables at Chili's and put yourself through school. I chose psychology as a major, truly only because I had no idea what the heck I would do with a college degree, and the guidance counselor said, if I was undecided that was always a good one to start with and I could switch it later if I wanted, but I didn't end up switching my major. And that was because of something that happened to me in my second year. I was in a physiological psychology course with a professor by the name of Dr. Teresa Cronan and her class was really challenging. Most of the classes I had taken so far were Scantron type tests. And you didn't even really have to show up to class as long as you studied for the multiple choice tests you could get by. But her class had essay questions. And I remember the last day of class at the final, I turned in my exam and she asked if I could meet her outside. And even now, as I'm telling the story, my armpits are kind of sweating, because I thought I was in trouble. I wasn't sure why on earth would my college professor want to see me outside. But she invited me outside because she said she was starting a research lab and she wanted to know if I had any interest in joining. So of course I said yes, because, you just wouldn't say no to a college professor, right? Plus I was just so relieved I wasn't getting in trouble, even though I truly had no idea what I was getting myself into. I joined her lab and I was surrounded by other first generation college students because Dr. Conan herself was one and really had a heart for making sure that these kids that were going to school and didn't really know what we were doing, had role models and had the help and the support they needed to succeed. So off I go, going to my classes and working in this research lab. And at some point in my junior year, she looked at me and said it was time to start thinking about my PhD. And honestly, I was confused and I must have given her a quizzical look because I remember her saying doctor of philosophy and I thought, whoa, I haven't even ever taken a philosophy class. I don't know what I took instead in college that counted for that part of your, you know, the basic criteria you'd have to meet, but I remember walking away going, why on earth would she be suggesting I get a degree in philosophy when I'm getting my major in psychology , but I was too embarrassed to ask and side note. in case you are wondering why I didn't Google it, not only did Google not exist, I actually didn't have a computer at this point. And shortly thereafter, I found myself in my English professor's office. Dr. WilliamNericcio and I saw his diploma on the wall and I noticed that it said PhD. And he saw me staring at his diploma and he asked if I had any questions. I remember asking him if his degree was in philosophy. And he took the time to explain to me that yes, he had his PhD in English and suddenly things started making a lot more sense. So anyway, I remember talking to my parents about this idea of applying to graduate school. And I remember being nervous because I felt like I had already delayed being in the workforce by four years. But at the same time, if I didn't go to grad school, I honestly didn't know what it was that I would do. So I delayed my graduation by a semester so I could study for the GREs and plan a wedding. Now I applied knowing that it was a potential long shot because I didn't have my master's degree, but working with Dr. Cronan I did have some publications under my belt, and I also had letters of recommendation, which obviously played a huge role in me getting accepted to a couple of different schools. So I took that as a sign that, yeah, I should go to grad school. So I married my college boyfriend and off, we went to Brandeis university, 3000 miles away. And I felt like I was dreaming because I was attending on an NIH training grant. I was in a lifespan development lab, and I just fell in love this idea of successful aging. Of course, I guess it's easy to be interested in aging when you're 24. But one of the first classes I took was statistics. And I remember it absolutely kicking my butt and thinking there is no way there is no way I can get through this. I passed, but I asked if I could audit the next round, you know, the next year when the new students came in and I literally audited that class for three years until not only did it make sense, but I actually started to really, really enjoy it. So, if you're listening to this and statistics has not been your friend in the past, hang in there and who knows, maybe you'll actually end up teaching it one day. When I reflect back on my time in graduate school, it's not that there weren't good times because truly there were, but overall there was a culture of suffering and I want to be really, really clear that I don't believe that this was specific to the university that I was at, or the people that I was working with, it is a product of not just the academic system, society right now, it's this idea that unless you can prove that you're working really hard, you're less than, you know, the person next to you, this idea that if you are working yourself to the bone it's to be rewarded or admired. So the person who's getting to work early, staying late, offering to work on the weekends, sending emails at three in the morning, those are the ones that are quote, unquote, more committed or dedicated. And I absolutely bought into that. In essence, you were a better graduate student, if you, for forewent vacations and self care. And during that time, my marriage dissolved and my health really suffered. And again, I just want to say one more time I don't believe that this was specific to the place where I was. I believe that this is a problem that is prevalent throughout many sectors of society, but certainly the expectation is there in most graduate programs that you are to focus on your research at the expense of everything else in your life. And that started me on a path where I completed my degree in four and a half years. I remember defending on December 2nd and I packed it up and moved back home to San Diego to start a postdoc just four days later. I joked that there was no way I was going to be spending a fifth winter on the east coast. So here I was teaching statistics in classrooms that I used to sit in as a student. And I really kind of felt like my life was coming full circle and I was generally happy. It was pleasant, although a little bit unfulfilling. And here I was, I decided I had this like big, fancy degree and I wanted to go out and see what else I could do with it. And so I landed a job as a research analyst and while for all intents and purposes, it was a pretty good job I just didn't enjoy being in an office, staring at a computer screen all day. So I had this friend and she was obsessed with the FBI and after 9-11 occurred, she started sending me these job alerts and I thought, well, you know what, what the heck? I'm just kind of floating through life here and maybe I need a new adventure. So I took the exams and I was at the point where it was time to schedule an interview up in Sacramento. But that very same week I was presented with the opportunity to welcome my young nieces my home. They were four and eight at the time, and we didn't know each other because they had been growing up in different states. So I put the FBI on hold. I focused on the kids. And during that time I met and married my second husband and shortly thereafter, I found myself on bedrest pregnant with twins. I had a colleague suggest that I start teaching courses online. I was definitely apprehensive. This is 2003 just to put it into context for you. This whole online thing was very, very new. And I remember thinking, hang on, I can barely teach statistics to students when I can see their eyes. You know, either that vacant look or the, oh, they got it. How on earth could I ever do this online? But, frankly, financially, we were a family of four about to become a family of six living in Southern California. I really didn't have a choice. So I went for it and I was shocked to find out how much I loved it. I loved not just the medium being online, but the students, the students that were drawn to pursuing education without boundaries. I met students in so many fascinating, different situations and I felt so truly in line with my purpose, just in my flow, that it was easy to excel. So when the twins turned about two, my husband and I looked at each other and we realized there is no way we are going to survive here in Southern California with the cost of living. So we packed everyone up. We moved out to Arizona and at this point I had pages and pages of publications and presentations on my CV, I had been recognized for my teaching, and I had students whose research I mentored that were winning awards. And so my teaching positions kind of morphed into more administrative positions. And before I knew it, I was a Chair. Then I was a Dean. Then I was a Vice President of Academic Affairs. And it definitely felt as if the universe was confirming I was in the right place. But I worked a lot. Some nights, I remember thinking what is going on here? What is wrong with this picture? Is it felt like the harder I worked, the more work there was to do. I was chronically tired. I was having trouble sleeping. I walked around in a constant state of overwhelm and stress. My second marriage fell apart. But if you had asked me if I was happy, I probably would have shrugged my shoulders and said, um, yeah, only because by the looks of it, I felt like I should have been happy. I was driving around town in a convertible BMW. I vacationed with the kids in Hawaii. I had a nanny, I was able to afford organic food. I had an office with a window. I even had an assistant. So all things told things were pretty good for a first-generation college student who did not know what she wanted to do with her life. But then my life changed, I was given devastating news that absolutely changed my path. And the news came to me on a Thursday evening in the form of a plain clothes officer. And the news that was delivered to me that night was that the father of my children had died in an accident. And I remember immediately thinking. How will they remember him? They were only eight at the time. And then that night I remember lying in bed and thinking, well, that's an interesting question. I wonder if it was me who had died, how my kids would remember me. So I left my position. I headed back to California. I made the decision that I would find something online so I could spend not only more time with the kids, but frankly more time with myself and trying to figure out what the heck am I doing here? What is my purpose? It started this fascinating adventure. I got trained in transcendental meditation. I got certified in energy psychology work. I learned Reiki. I became a certified yoga instructor. I learned how to open my Akashic records. And if all of this sounds totally weird, I get it. I get it. But just hang out with me here for a little bit longer. It was during this process that I started to discover who I was. After five years of being on this journey and working with private clients, helping them discover their life purpose an interesting string of synchronicities, because isn't that how the universe always works, landed me back in Arizona. And I was in the process of establishing my business when I got a phone call from a friend and a colleague asking if I would consider coming back to the university in the role. Methodological Reader for dissertations. And, you know, I thought about it and I thought, well, you know what? It might be fun. It's been a while since I've done some academic work, you know, maybe I'll just do this as a hobby and financially it would be helpful because I was just trying to get things started in a new city. But what I discovered was that having had that time of way, really stepping away from the university and having had the time to really explore why I thought I was here, I approached everything so differently. And I saw so many opportunities for helping people find their joy in what is often a joyless process, this whole doctoral journey. And after about two years of doing this again, I was recognized for my teaching, I had students winning awards and it was as if the universe was telling me I was exactly where I was supposed to be. But this time I felt calm. Relaxed and at peace. Enter in COVID 19 and after the initial novelty of not having to get up and drive the kids to school at the crack of dawn wore off, I found my joy fading. And even though I was maintaining my daily self-care routine, something just started to slip. And one day after meditation, I asked myself. Heather, what would you do with your day today, if you didn't have to worry about money and you had no other responsibilities? And the answer came fast and it was really clear, it was I'd hang out with wise, insightful and fun people creating something that could make someone else's life better. And lo and behold, this podcast was born. I really felt like I could combine my decades of experience with the information I gained on my own personal journey to help others find their joy in their journey. So typical of a lifelong learner, I enrolled in a podcast launch school. And this school really focused on the importance of creating something that the audience really, really wants and needs, and really drove home this point, that in order to do that, you need to develop a relationship.

I created a document called: 16:53

The doctoral journey- 12 things you need to know that they probably won't tell you. And I have that document for you available at ExpandYourHappy.com. And when you download that document, you'll have an option to subscribe to a seven day email adventure. These emails are inspiring and motivating. They do contain action items, it will only take about five minutes of your time. I ran 14 doctoral students through this email adventure as a pilot, and this is what they had to say. I wish I had had this information on day one of my program. The daily emails did create a positive shift in my mind and body. Thank you for inviting me on this journey. I'm implementing the suggestions in the emails and it is helping me with managing feeling overwhelmed. Thank you. I needed to hear this information. I really looked forward to those daily emails. The email adventure gives you a chance to let me know what points you'd like me to expand on in this show. So until next time here's to more joy in your journey so much for listening, the Happy Doc Student Podcast is brought to you by ExpandYoureHappy.com and you can learn more there. Oh, and Hey, if you want to make my day, would you rate review and subscribe to the show?