S5E37 The Sideline Social Shuffle

🎀Show your support by subscribing to the channel 👉https://www.youtube.com/@iamabowalways?sub_confirmation=1

Regular episodes drops every Tuesday and when the spirit hits.

tiktok: @iamabowalways

Transcript

Speaker 1 (0s): All right. Good morning. Bow and bow ties. I know it has been quite a while since I have come on live, and that's because y'all know this time of being untouched death with the crazy allergies and I even had a cold on top of it, but also I just needed to take some time and I plan on doing that more often because I need it. I've been running, running, running with my family, my kids' activities and just actually just trying to pour into myself.

And I wanna come off camera now since I'm driving and it's nighttime and I got these lights on and it could be distracting. Okay, so let's, let's, let's get on into what it is that I wanna talk about. So, I just said that I have been pouring into myself. I took some time, I needed it, but part of the reason why I had to take the time is I remember my daughter was asking me while I was running to her various activities.

And when it comes to the, a sideline parent, whether it's at a game or practice or whatever, she noticed that I talked to some of the other malls sometimes and I was like, yeah. She was like, are you okay? And I'm like, I'm perfectly fine. And she thought maybe I was sad or being left out or whatever. And I said, well, this is the thing I, I'm not looking for new friends.

And I'm like, I'm good with me. I'm absolutely good with me. And she was like, but I notice that you don't talk all the time with all these other ladies. I'm like, well, depending on the various groups, depending on which thing I'm at, I don't, I'm like, I'm polite. Sometimes I engage, but oftentimes I don't feel the need to engage. And I explained to her, I said, at my age, you don't care about a lot of things.

Like, so for one, what she doesn't really get is, you know, I, I remember when I was younger and I started having all my kids and I remember somebody need to comment to me. My youngest is as old as your oldest. And I had to pause. And I was like, oh, wow. Because I was the young mom then. I was the young mom. And now at some of these, these things, I have become one of the older moms, which bothers me.

Not because think of that now that my kids are older, you know, you've seen a lot of things. You've learned a lot of things. For one, you learn that your relationships with many people may literally just be for a season, like a literal season. Or it could be for a sporting season, meaning like however long your children participate, doing a particular activity, whatever.

You know, people change teams, maybe other people's kids stop participating or playing certain sports or whatever. Maybe yours stopped playing, right? And so I've learned that some of those relationships were seasonal, like literal and, you know, figurative seasons. And so I invest only but so much into those relationships. It doesn't mean that I'm not friendly, but I don't feel the need to go out of my way to invest heavily.

It definitely has to be organic. So those were one of the things I've learned. Number two, those relationships oftentimes may be just transactional. Like maybe what you could do for them in that moment or vice or whatever it is, right? Like, you know, they're, some people also aren't interested in like these deep rooted connections, you know, 'cause everybody has lives outside of whatever thing going on, right?

So I've learned that like oftentimes that people may want to have a connection with you based off of how well your children are doing. I wanna let that one sink in for a second. Sometimes people don't want to know you if your child isn't with a star or they want to get to know you because your child is a star.

Everybody loves a winner. So, and then also there's just a natural competition when you're in these teams. So I have learned that I don't need to invest in a whole lot. You, you know, so it has to be organic. And when I go into many of these, these engagements, whatever like that, I just take it how it comes to me.

I'm, I'm just not that depressed. I have my family, I have relationships outside of whatever sad thing is, but just more importantly in general, in life, I just feel like it's hard to make new friends. But partially because when you get to be my age, most of us recognize it for what it is. You either have your existing relationships or recognize like, I'm going to take it as it comes.

And if it becomes too hard, a lot of times we don't wanna invest in this new relationship because we don't know. And, and of course we should probably take more chances, but at least just know that like, this probably won't last. So why am I investing? I just find that as I've gotten older, my, my circle, I don't really have a big circle. I, I find that most of my relationships, or, or, or let me rephrase that.

My, my circle is smaller and I invest only but so much. We're all busy. Y'all have things going on. And it becomes one of those things where he has to be mutual. You don't want to invest way more than you know. So I look at it like that.

And so when I'm trying to teach my daughter about friendships and relationships, I also teach her, 'cause she's young. Like you have to be able to discern what do they want from you? Why do they, and I'm not saying that you should approach all relationships in a negative way, but I look at like, even like how she's navigating her social relationships in school, right? Oftentimes you'll find that people who never disliked you or anything like that, they may attach themselves to you more when their other relationships start to disintegrate.

So then you have to wonder, why are you practicing my friend now? Like we had a very, like, our relationship was fine, but what, what's driving this more? Is it because something else is falling apart? So I told her, usually when those relationships fall apart, they will get back. They, they, a lot of times they'll, they'll get back together and fall apart, get back together, fall apart, get back together, fall apart for a period of time. So don't think too much of anything.

You just take it how it comes to you and you make the decision whether or not you choose to engage. Now, this isn't because of anything bad happening or anything like that, but ultimately I'm just trying to discuss with why. When my daughter was asking me about how I approach people, I'm like, I'm not really looking for whole knowledge friends. 'cause I understand that relationships could be seasonal, they could also be transactional.

I know sometimes people may or may not wanna talk to me because my daughter's really athletic. I also know sometimes, depending on which team that people don't want to communicate with me as much because he's athletic and it becomes competitive. There's also other factors. There's racial factors, right? Like I don't think anyone's anti-black, I'm not anti-white, but all there's cultural differences and sometimes I don't feel like engaging.

I don't want to perform, I don't wanna do anything. All I wanna do is just sit there. But I also feel like I've earned it. I'm older, I'm good. Like I'm not looking for new friends. But if it's organic, that's great. But I'm not pressed for relationships. I'm not. I also know, I see how other relationships move.

Excuse me. I see how they move in those relationships and I understand that that won't last anyway. I have the luxury of being old enough and having lived life and experienced good things. I just saw something. Kayla, good day. Oh, I don't know what I'm doing here. Thank you. I just saw your comment. I can't how I get outta this. Yeah.

Oh, let me see. It is difficult to meet and befriend new people these days. That's true. Well that's because much of what we've got going on is we, we, we treat our relationships or we, we tend to, I think, establish parasocial relationships really. 'cause people are on social media so much. And so what happens is when you're out amongst people, I think many people these days, at least some of the younger people, they don't know how to engage in, in like just normal conversation.

They don't know, they don't understand the a the art of small talk, right? So I think that's part of it. But for myself, I am 49. For me, I, I have the luxury now of having lived and I see how relationships are. I see how people move. I see how, depending on where you are in your life, like, like if you have an, if you don't have like a, a long friend, like an established friend from maybe grade school or high school, then it does become hard to make friends.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm just going out here in and I'm not being friendly or, but I also know that it's hard to make real connections because most people right now are moving in a way that'll serve that self-serving. And I get it doesn't mean that people are bad, but I understand that many of these relationships may be transactional, may be seasonal in that is okay too.

That is okay too. So where I, where I'm going with it is I know that I have the luxury of having lived long enough. Not that I'm 60, but I've lived long enough to see things of what they are. So when I am attending some of, whether it's like a game or, or a practice or something, right? I don't feel the need with most people. That's a couple people that I'm pretty cool with. But I don't feel the need to always engage.

I don't, a lot of times I don't want to, I want to be in my own weirdo thoughts 'cause I'm my own personal weirdo. I just want to be there. Sometimes I just wanna watch, like sometimes there is beauty and watching it, I'm gonna tell you why and actually learned this one too. Sometimes I just wanna watch because after like knowing that my, my twins are my, my last ones, right? They're 13 years old.

I know I've got them for like another four or five years. And as much as I want them to, to to, to fly the nest because I have one in high school and I have one in college, I recognized it hit me like you've got a handful of years and all of the, the noise and the fizziness and the games and the practices and the ups and the downs of what it's like to win a big game and to do the tight game and you see like the, just the constant competition and all this stuff like that.

I know that's going to come to an end. And so now I'm just in a stage where I'm appreciating what I'm watching and what what, what I'm witnessing when I'm watching them grow as athletes and grow as people putting things in their proper position and understanding that this is another day. Some of the younger parents, not that they're young, but they're younger than me, I'm 49. So you got, someone might be 40, maybe 38, maybe even 44, right?

But I'm 49, some of them, I'm watching them go through this period of thinking like it's like the end of the world and it really is not. I'm watching them walk through this process of thinking like every child is gonna be amazing. They don't realize that your pro, your child's probably not gonna do this in another year or two, right? So I have that luxury of knowing how some of this is gonna go down and they haven't experienced it.

They haven't gone through like experiencing like what relationships their child is going to gain and lose in this process. So I personally don't feel all that pressed to engage in some of the stupid conversations that some of these parents are engaging in. I just like to just sit there and watch my kids or listen to a podcast or a book on a tape or something like that. Or talk with people that I have tighter connections with.

Or a lot of times I sit in my car away from people and the ones who are closer to my age, I notice they do these similar like things. It's not personal, but what I don't feel like I need to do is pull out and try to make all these new friends. I don't feel like I need to be in all of these circles. I don't feel like, I don't, I, I don't feel like I have a lot of fomo. I just don't care.

I wanna have my own thoughts. And it could be just because I've experienced some things. Two, you know, two years ago I lost my mom. That was a really tough time that I didn't talk about on social media because I don't feel like I need to bring everything to social media. So I would show up to these practices. I remember I would show up to a practice planning my mother's funeral, writing her obituary in the car because I was probably the best one to do it.

Not my sisters, not other family members. It was me, you know? So while I had my own suffering, there was one lady at the time who knew what I was going through and she was really cool. But that relationship was seasonal, right? That since then I've changed. You know, she's changed sheets, all kinds of things like that, right? But I put things into a proper perspective. I watch how some of these parents are moving and how, you know, I can see where the bus is coming, where relationships will start to disintegrate, et cetera.

I don't feel I need to be involved or that I just wanna be me. I wanna watch my son or my daughter play. I wanna watch them in their practices when I do go to some of their practices. 'cause now I sit in the car, right? I don't feel the need to make a whole lot of new friends. The relationships I have or the relationships I have right now. It doesn't mean that I won't make new friends in the future when my kids are at a house and I am a true empty nester and now I have to connect with other empty nesters.

But what I am saying is I don't feel like I have to create a whole bunch of new relationships for the people out there who are younger than me who struggle with that. I do think a lot of it has to do with growing up in this social media era, era. And so many people have lost the arts of how to engage in small talk and how to be emotionally present because it's easier to just post things they don't know or understand how to connect with people, how to be intentional, how to do or, or engage in friendships.

Even when it's inconvenience. That's like a lost art. If it's not purely transactional, like what can you get? What can I get from you? What can get from me? Then it's like they don't invest in people. They don't invest in relationships. And I think that's why some people are having difficult times making friends. And it requires people on both ends to be committed to those kinds of activities.

And those activities take time. You gotta build foundation, right? Like it doesn't just happen, like there's the initial connection, but you have to build on that. And a lot of people don't wanna spend the time building those relationships. They are comfortable with transactional relationships. And that's why you're seeing so many people struggle. They have a rather post about what has happened versus connecting with people. They don't spend time with people, they don't fellowship with people.

They, you know, and I'm not saying you tell all your business, but that's part of the reason why, well anyway, I can, I can talk more about this, but I'm getting close to my employment so I will be disconnecting shortly. But this is a good time for you to go ahead and subscribe to my channel 'cause I'm amazing and everybody could do no wrong. I'm gonna come on camera for two seconds just to say goodbye. I don't know, this is terrible. I'm dealing with my sinuses and stuff like that, but those are just my Botox.

I probably should come on camera again or create another video, but I had taken some time away because I needed it. I didn't have anything earth shattering to say and I didn't feel like just cameraing, so I just didn't come on in video. But anyway, let me know your thoughts. I might go part two. Long stretch chance. Oh, I think I might definitely do that. All right, have a good one.