Part IV: Emotional Intelligence: The Missing Link in Recovery

Emotional intelligence transforms recovery from a daily struggle into a journey of self-discovery and healing. Most of us enter recovery as emotional children in adult bodies, capable of identifying only the most basic feelings while missing the complex emotional landscape that defines the human experience.

For years, I operated as an eight-year-old emotionally, despite being a thirty-year-old man when I entered my first 12-step meeting. I could recognize anxiety, distinguish between happiness and sadness, and feel excitement—but that limited emotional vocabulary left me unable to process the deeper hurts driving my addiction. This emotional stunting isn't unique; it's epidemic among those struggling with substance use disorders and recognized by the American Medical Association as a disease in itself.

The path forward requires asking ourselves daily: "How do I feel?" While this seems simple, it's revolutionary for those who've spent decades disconnected from their emotional reality. As my therapist explained during seven years of emotional education, "A child has one feeling at a time. An adult has multiple feelings all the time." This distinction marks the difference between emotional immaturity and the awareness needed for lasting recovery. When we can identify multiple emotions simultaneously—recognizing that hurt often underlies anger, that gratitude can coexist with sadness—we begin developing the emotional intelligence that connects us to ourselves, our spiritual nature, and others in genuinely intimate relationships.

Ready to transform your recovery through emotional intelligence? Join our Recovery Freedom Circle on Facebook where we explore the steps, ask important questions, and create a community of emotional growth and healing. Life truly becomes wonderful when you finally know how you feel.

Chapters

• 0:02 Introduction to Emotional Intelligence
• 1:07 Season 7 Overview and Past Recap
• 2:37 Emotions as a Disease
• 4:06 Personal Journey with Emotional Immaturity
• 5:45 Multiple Feelings and Adult Emotional Growth
• 8:53 Developing Emotional Awareness Daily
• 11:13 Conclusion and Call to Action

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Emotions. How do you feel? What is your emotional intelligence? Welcome again to another episode of the 1% in Recovery, where we encourage you to laugh every day, to work hard, work hard in recovery, work hard in relationships, work hard in your job, your business, in school, just work. And to love unconditionally. Just put much more love out there and watch all this love return tenfold. Now what we encourage you to do is to join the Recovery Freedom Circle in a Facebook group. The link is down below. That's where we can talk about the steps and see how the steps will change your life, will change your character, move you forward, live your best life. Also, if you have something inspirational, motivational, or you have a problem, you have a question, something about recovery, let the community help heal you and move you forward. So join the Facebook group Recovery Freedom Circle and let's all grow together and just live our best life. Now let's jump into this week's episode. Welcome, season 7. We're just enjoying sharing about the 1% in recovery, about recovery, about the steps, about changing your character. And what we had finished season six with were the four keys to recovery where we talked about a month ago. Where we talked about the four keys, relationships, the oxytocin, on how to grow and have more connection. We also talked about your subconscious and how your words and your thoughts push you forward. And then last week we talked about the spiritual disconnect and how to get more spirituality, more trust, more faith. The spiritual disconnect, on how to get more spirituality, more trust, more faith. Now we're going to start Season 7 with the last piece, because this is going to lead us into some interesting and helpful conversations. We're going to be talking about emotion, emotional intelligence and some of the interviews that are coming here in Step 7, we're going to be talking about treatment centers. We're going to be talking about treatment centers. We're going to be talking about gambling research. We're going to talk about some people with 20 plus years in recovery. So now let's jump into this week's episode Emotional intelligence. You've got to addiction. It is proven in the American Medical Association, the American Psychological Association, that they have proven that addictions and emotions are a disease. The lack of having any type of emotional intelligence is a disease, no different than if you are lacking in some type of mineral. Let's say you are low on potassium, low in iron or zinc. You will have complications within your body, not understanding your own emotions. You will have complications in your body. You will be more depressed, more anxious, you're going to have more stress, you're going to have higher levels of cortisol. You're going to have all these effects on your body. It'll be in your nervous system and that will dictate your actual overall health. Because what we're trying to do here in the 1% Recovery is to have total health. We are talking about emotional health, we're talking about spiritual health, we're talking about mental health, physical health and also financial health and social health. All of that will make you a better person, will give you much more life, and so you'll have much more vitality, you'll be able to sleep better, you'll have more energy, you'll be able to focus, you'll be able to connect. But it all starts with that really key thing how do I feel? What is my emotional intelligence? How am I going to move Now?

Speaker 1: 4:06

If you're like me, you grew up in a family that never talked about emotions and we never said I love you, we never hugged. I had no business. I was pushed academically. I was pushed athletically. I went to weekly service. So I was pushed spiritually within the Catholic religion. But the one thing, like they say, you're only as strong as your weakest link is that I was a 30-year-old man when I first walked into my first 12-step meeting for alcohol.

Speaker 1: 4:35

As an eight-year-old emotional child, I was very immature, I was very insecure. I had no idea what I felt. I can maybe list five. If I was being pushed, I could say I was anxious. I could understand the difference between happiness and sadness. There was obviously points of excitement, but there was no really expression of feelings and really getting into the nitty gritty, into the actual levels of joy, of contentment, of serenity, of happiness, being able to identify the level of depression, anxiety, sadness, hurt Let me repeat that hurt.

Speaker 1: 5:25

So many of us addicts have hurt and we all we do is we want to talk about the anger. We have anger issues because we're so hurt Let me repeat that hurt. So many of us addicts have hurt and all we do is we want to talk about the anger. We have anger issues because we're so hurt. The only thing that comes out is anger. The only thing that comes out is we're just walking around like zombies, depressed, and we're always in a bad mood, or we're just never trying to fully engage and we're wondering why we're not moving up in corporations or our business aren't succeeding or why we're wondering why we're not moving up in corporations or our business aren't succeeding, or why we tend to attract and we're involved in relationships with men and women, especially a loving relationship that always ends up in some type of fight because I'm dealing with my trauma. I'm attracting other people dealing with their trauma and we're almost like trauma-bound, trauma-connected, and we're not moving anywhere Instead of coming from a place of healing, in a place where I dealt with Things that happened in my past, whether it was being bullied, financial family bankruptcy, abortion, homosexual acts, sexual acts, inappropriate sexual acts, inappropriate use of money and lots of fighting fighting within myself, fighting with people that I said I loved, or in a relationship with another woman, fighting with family.

Speaker 1: 6:47

You know it's constant. It was just constant turmoil. There was just there was no peace and ultimately that's what I wanted peace. But the only way to find peace is if you truly understand what your emotions are. How do you feel? How do you feel? And you got to be able to ask yourself that question each and every day how do I feel? I feel this and knowing and this is what my therapist I was in therapy for seven years, so I got some training finally, at the age of 30, between, actually, 31, between 31 and 38, just a lot of coaching, a lot of mentorship around.

Speaker 1: 7:24

How do I feel? How to process past stuff from childhood, how to process things from early adulthood, how to process things in addiction, how to process things in recovery, and be able to sit in my feelings, either positive feelings or negative feelings. And then when, when he first asked me, when I was confused, is you know? I could say that I was anxious, because what else are you feeling? I was at that dumb look on my face, I was like deer in the headlights. I had no clue. And he says a child has one feeling at a time. An adult has multiple feelings all the time. A child has one feeling at a time. An adult has multiple feelings all the time. And even though I may have three feelings, when I wake up after a couple hours, maybe all three of those feelings change, maybe one stays the same.

Speaker 1: 8:08

Something else is kind of going on. We're dealing with things within our loving relationships. We're dealing with things at work. We're dealing with things with ourselves. We're dealing with things with kids or pets or parents. We're dealing with a lot of things that are going on. Or the specific day some type of stranger comes into our life and there's something on road rage, there's something that just happens and we just got to have to deal with it, we push our emotional buttons or if we are in a much more controlled state of serenity. So we should always be in this state of contentment, gratitude and knowing that there is going to be blips, there's going to be assholes out there. We're going to have to just deal with it. We're going to have to know how to use our words.

Speaker 1: 8:47

I'm also a believer in. Sometimes it's going to have to come to some type of physical confrontation, but that should be truly about 0.001%. It should be very, very little that it would actually come to that. But we have to be clear on our emotions. So I say, if you cannot constantly say at any moment, how do I feel, and at least have three feelings come out, you need more work. And the only way to do that is to ask ourselves each and every day we don't do this in early recovery. We don't constantly ask people and push people how do you feel? How do you feel? Because if you keep asking those questions and you keep pushing people and then keep a journal, just like anything else, whether you're doing the original 12 steps, you're doing the 12 steps explained and that's what I get into the Recovery Freedom Circle.

Speaker 1: 9:32

I have questions. There were those 72 questions that you asked. Get over 18 weeks is. You are asked questions of how do you feel? What are you feeling? What about fear? What about crying? What about happiness? What about joy? What excites you? You know what, what? What do you feel about faith? You know all these different questions and you've got to keep asking that question and the only way to truly recover is to be emotionally open and tell people, hey, I love you. And if they don't say and they don't love you back, realize that there are so many other people out there that love you. Just let love embrace you and move you forward.

Speaker 1: 10:13

So be clear about your feelings, learn about emotional intelligence, learn how to identify all your feelings and, if not, hire someone like me, hire a therapist, hire someone. You cannot do this alone. You need to hire some experts to kind of coach you through able to feel and embrace the emotional disease. Increase your emotional intelligence, know how you feel. That will also connect you to your spiritual connection. That will also connect you to your having a strong subconscious, which also means you're going to have much, much more intimate relationships and you're just going to love life. So with that, let's start season seven off with a bang. Tell me how you feel, put that in the comments, let me know and let's all recover. Life is wonderful, especially when you know how you feel. With that we're going to conclude this episode of the 1% in Recovery Podcast.