No-Drama Divorce: Stay Peaceful Without Getting Steamrolled | Ep 65

You really can get through your divorce without it turning into an all-out war.

I’m breaking down how to keep your peace and your power. Because being the “peacemaker” doesn’t mean being a pushover. It means you’re smart, strategic, and keeping your eyes on the long game instead of getting lost in the drama.

We’ll talk about what a real peacemaker looks like (hint: calm and confident, not quiet and compliant), and how to protect what matters most to you without letting emotions run the show.

Here’s what we’re diving into:

• The real difference between being peaceful and being passive
• How to get in the right headspace before a big talk or mediation
• Why your emotional "state" affects how well you negotiate
• What to say when your ex pushes back without making things worse
• Red flags that you're giving too much away (and how to stop before you do)
• The one thing that can save you time, money, and a lot of stress

If you’ve been trying to “keep the peace” but end up feeling walked on, this one’s for you. I’ll show you how to stay grounded, protect your interests, and actually get to the finish line faster, with a lot less stress and way fewer lawyer bills.

MEDIATION STARTER GUIDE: https://mailchi.mp/2939c428981d/mediation-resources

KELLY'S BOOK: Victim Is Not Your Name – https://a.co/d/e4VguRk 

LEGAL: Legal & Mediation Help: https://saperelawfirm.com 

INSTAGRAM: https://instagram.com/saperelawfirm 

FACEBOOK: https://facebook.com/saperelawfirm

Transcript

0:03

From the studios at Sapere Law and Mediation, this is the Splitting Smart podcast. We are here to help you resolve divorce and family disputes out of court with practical, insightful, and real world strategies. I'm Kelly Bennett, your host with over 30 years in the family law. Mediation and negotiation trenches. Saving you time, money, and stress. Each episode breaks down tools and tips to help you approach family law disputes with clarity, with privacy and efficiency. Are you in a family law quagmire? Well, you're in the right place. Let's get you on the smartest, fastest path forward. The information presented in this podcast is not intended to be legal advice. It's for informational and entertainment purposes only for legal advice. Call a great lawyer whether you call re law or someone else. Legal advice happens when the lawyer is given the opportunity to hear your specific situation and give you advice based on your unique facts. Now, let's start the show. Well, hey, welcome back to the podcast. Today I'm going to talk to you about how you can be a peacemaker and go through a divorce without giving away the farm. Is it possible? You bet it is. So I want to talk about how you can maintain the peace in your divorce process and not let it roll out of control while you protect at the same time what matters the most to you. Now, I want to give you a little caveat here first before we begin. This isn't about being weak, it's not about sacrificing fairness, is not about sacrificing your rights. This is about how to get through a divorce with less stress, lower costs, and in the long run, better outcomes, really. So first, let me talk to you about the mindset of a peacemaker. I've been a peacemaker for almost 40 years now on a professional level. So I think I can offer you a few things that'll work here. Let's first understand the difference between peace and passivity, the difference between peace and passivity. Well, first of all. Peace is a proactive thing. It's very intentional. It's not a weakness at all. In fact, the best peacemakers I know are extremely strategic because they set out and set their mind on, I'm going to do this a peaceful way. I'm not going to get out in the weeds on this conflict. There's no reason to. Right? It's not passive. Passivity can contain a lot of aggression. It can be aggressive behavior. You've heard the phrase passive aggressive. Yeah. You can appear passive like, okay, I'm not going to fight back. But under the surface, you're simmering and your behaviors do things that are different than what you're saying. This isn't about being passive, it's not about rolling over, lying down, being a doormat, all of those things. Like I said, being a peacemaker is extremely proactive, it's strategic and it's intentional. So what kind of traits do we see? In peacemakers. Well, first of all, one of the biggest traits of a successful peacemaker is someone who exercises a tremendous amount of patience. This is about letting your emotions settle down before responding. This is about responding rather than reacting and really keeping the focus on what's important and not letting the emotions run the show. It's about patience and being patient with the other side, but again. It doesn't mean there's not boundaries. We'll talk about those in a minute. It's also about perspective. This is about seeing beyond this immediate conflict to focus on the long-term goals and what's really important here. A lot of times people who find themselves in protracted litigation or long conflicts where they've got, you know, wars in the family and big disputes, you'll see all kinds of drama going on, and they're not seeing past that immediate conflict and the emotions and the triggers that that stirs up and that gets you off in the ditch in a hurry. And sometimes people really get addicted to the conflict itself. So a key trait of a peacemaker is someone who sees past that immediate conflict and drama and onto what's really the more important thing. It takes some maturity to be a peacemaker, I'll tell you. And then focusing on the facts over drama and feelings. You know, this is something that's really interesting and it translates into corporate America. We've implemented it on the personnel level in the way we do business in our law firm and our, in our mediation practice. And that is, we have a no drama policy here in the office. And that means if something upsets you, most of the time it's because you're choosing to be upset and you're letting emotions and drama kind of get in the way. When we talk about no drama, it doesn't mean... sometimes we get our feelings hurt or we feel low, or we feel great, or you know, feelings aren't like the worst thing in the world, but they just shouldn't drive the bus and they lead to drama. So what we say is we kind of get back to the old Dragnet approach. If you weren't raised in the sixties, you won't know what I'm talking about. But on the old sitcom Dragnet thefamous phrase was just the facts, ma'am, just the facts. And that's really what you get to when you're trying to avoid a high drama environment. Focus on the facts and what you know for sure, versus the feeling and the upset and the gossip. And all of the things that come with drama. So let's say someone comes to you and, and I'm going to put it in a business situation for now. Right. So you have a coworker comes to you and says, I'm really upset. And you know why? Because Susie Q in the office next door, she didn't, she didn't put away any of her things in the kitchen. She just left things all over the place. And I had just cleaned the kitchen and she comes in full well knowing I cleaned the kitchen and left crumbs everywhere and made a terrible mess. And she doesn't care about anybody but herself. Can you believe her? And you know, I think she's got it out for me. And on it goes. The drain that's going on in that conversation. But if we stop and say, good to know, what are the facts here? What, what do we know for sure before we start jumping to conclusions about whether Susie Q cares about anybody else in the office or whatever. Well, what we know is that you cleaned the kitchen earlier that morning. And it had been a mess. And so clearly anybody who came into the kitchen could see that it was nice and clean. That we know, right? Number two, we know that the kitchen is now in a big disaster. There's crumbs all over the countertop, and we know that's a fact. And the third thing is, do we know for sure that Suzy Q made that mess? Maybe we do. We watched her go in there, make the mess and leave it. What else do we know? That's all we know. We don't know if Suzy Q got a phone call from the school that her child had fallen off the monkey bar bars and they think he broke both legs. Stop everything. Run to the emergency room now. We don't know if she has a splitting migraine and can hardly see straight and was so nauseated she was about to lose her lunch and had to run to the restroom and leave the kitchen a mess. We don't know. We don't know if she's just a natural born piggy and left the kitchen a mess and doesn't really care about anybody. We don't know. All we're going to focus on are the facts and how we are going to address the facts. In other words, that's not how we want to leave the kitchen. So let's find out what happened. Okay, so a big trait of a peacemaker is somebody who focuses on the facts and not on the drama and not on the feelings. Ask yourself the question, what do I know for sure involving this dispute? And then the other really great trait about wonderful peacemakers is they've mastered some communication skills. And what that means is they know when and how to speak during a discussion where we've got a conflict going on. Maybe it's a negotiation, maybe it's a mediation. They know when and how to speak, and they know how to speak calmly, but at the same time, assertively. Okay? So that's a skill to master and to practice. So let's do a self-check. Are you ready to negotiate with the other side? How do you know you're ready? Are you ready to step into a mediation where you have a a, a mediator helping both of you negotiate a good result to your dispute or your divorce? Let me give you some tips for managing your emotions first during those discussions so that you will be ready. First of all, before you go into any kind of a negotiation or a tough conversation about something that you're in conflict over or divorce mediation, right? Sit down and define why you're choosing the negotiation discussion, to have it or why you're choosing mediation. Why? Why? Why would you go to mediation? You might say to yourself, well, because we have a hard time communicating, and I think it'll be more productive with the help of a mediator. Okay. There's one reason. I want to have productive discussions about this. What's another reason? Well, it's faster than the court process. Much faster. And so if we can resolve it this way through a negotiation together and have a good conversation about it, or we can resolve it through remediation. We get through that process in just a couple of months versus wasting two years or more of our lives down at the courthouse. Okay, that's another really good reason. What's another reason? Probably financial, right? If we can get through this dispute right now, it's going to save us both a lot of money. I want you to define why you're choosing to have the conversation or to go to mediation. Because you want to focus on those whys. When you focus on those whys and keep them upfront and center, when the emotions and the negative comments start to fly, you can stand as the peacemaker because you don't care about those things. Water off a duck's back. You're focused on, I want to have a productive meeting today. I want us to come up to with a creative solution privately and outside of the court. I want us to be done with this and move on so we don't have to stay in this quagmire for so long. And it's really important that we save as much money as we can so that we can both go forward productively, successfully, and our children can have a future too. So you see, when you define those things and then you focus on those things, it really keeps you moving and on a productive path. Another way you manage the emotions during the discussions is prepare for the game. Okay. If you've got a lot of anger and most people do, or a lot of frustration or a lot of grief, you name it, the gamut of going through a divorce, there are so many emotions, prepare for the emotional game. Going through a divorce, whether we like to admit it or not, is both psychological, emotional game, and it's a spiritual game. Sure is. So what can you do to learn how to prepare for the game well? I would recommend that you get into a qualified therapist who can give you some tools for handling triggers and emotion. And practice them. Now, it might take a little time to find the right therapist. Some people poo poo it because they say, I go to a, I went to a therapist and I just, you know, that person didn't help me and I just didn't click with them. So all therapy is bad. No, no. There are some really talented marriage and divorce therapists out there who really can help you prepare for the game and you will manage those emotional times during the mediation and discussions like a champ. This is one I'm really big on, and this is about managing your state. What's your state? Well, your state is how you show up mentally, physically, emotionally, to an important discussion. Your state is something that you're in all the time, and there are many kinds of states and you're choosing your state, right? So think about it this way. And I tell people in mediation this, by the way, before you come to the mediation session, I want you to do everything in your power to get a really good night's sleep. You might be a little bit of a sleepless night, but do what you can. Take a sleeping pill, I don't care. Do what you can to get a good night's sleep. Do everything you can to eat a decent meal. Nourish your body in the days before and on the day of. Don't come hungry. Don't come hungry. Come fueled. And rested and ready to go. What am I telling them? I'm talking a bit there about their physical state clearly, because when you show up to an important discussion, an important meeting, where we're, we have some conflict issues, we don't want to physically be in a very low, poor state, in a sleepless state, what other kind of state would best serve you in that scenario. How do you want to show up? Do you want to show up anxious? Do you want to show up angry or defensive? Do you want to show up in that kind of a state of mind? Probably not. Especially if when you go back to why are you there, why are you doing mediation? To be productive, to get through this faster, to get through it with less money. Get through it with less damage. Does an anxious state, an angry state, a defensive state, does that help you get to those end results you're after? No, it doesn't. You know, most of the time the state you want to be in is a calm, centered, confident, not cocky, confident state, rather than an excitable or excited state. You want to be well rested. So think about what you want to achieve and what state of mind and physical state and emotional state in your head space will best serve you for that mediation, for that negotiation. And then get yourself in that state. So let's say you want to be in a calm centered state. Well, how do you get there? Practice breathing. Maybe it's prayer, meditation, yoga, reading. Practice in advance and do those things right before you go in order to get yourself in that state of mind. It really makes a world of difference when you pay attention to these things. Now, let's talk about protecting your interests while maintaining peace, right? So there's a balance there, right? And they're not mutually exclusive. So first of all, as you prepare to go. And when you are in a mediation or a negotiation, set really clear goals and boundaries. Be really clear on what it is your goals are and what you're willing to compromise on and what you're not willing to tolerate. You want to know what you want, know what you want. And by the way, back to that why situation again, know why you want it. Okay? You don't want to just say, I want this and not have a why to back it up because. Sometimes the solution isn't always in the exact thing that you're stating you want. It's in the why you want it. And, and we will ask on a regular basis when people say, I'm not going to compromise on having at least 50% of the time with my children, or 53% or 54%, whatever number it is. And then when we ask why, why is that number so important? It's usually not about the number. It's about, I just want to make sure they, they know who I am in their lives and they have quality time with me and I'm an active parent. Okay. Well, what ways does that look like? What kinds of scenarios will get you to that goal of being an active parent? It might be 49%, it might be 60% of the time. Who knows? But you want to make sure you know why you are making the statement I want what I want. These kind of examples are obviously in time sharing and custody arrangements, but in asset division and debt division too. Because if somebody is saying, I have to have this investment account and I won't settle for anything less than a hundred percent of the investment account, ask the question why? Why is that so important to you? And what you're going to find out is there's different drivers there that then opens up other alternatives than, the only one that's being proposed. Okay, so also focus on solutions, not blame. Okay? It is time to check blame at the door. Just check it at the door. Check pride, anger, and blame at the door. You want to approach every single issue that you're discussing in mediation or an informal negotiation as a problem that is there for you to solve together. It's like I put you in a room with your soon to be ex, and I say, here's a puzzle, and you two don't get out of this room. You can't go to the bathroom, you don't, can't have anything to eat or drink, and you can't go to sleep until this puzzle is put together. A hundred percent. I don't care how you do it, do it. Those are the terms of you getting out of this room. Well, guess what? You're going to look at each other and you're going to say, we, we better get this thing put together. That's how you want to look at the issues that these are problems to be solved together. It's not a win-lose battle. I mean, that would be ridiculous in that scenario, right? That's the same way to approach this situation when you're going in and you want to be effective here. Hey, before we get back to the show, would you like me to serve as your personal mediator? You know, where I help you and your spouse or your soon to be ex navigate some pretty important family law issues, deciding things about your kids, how to split up your assets, your debts... all outside the chaos of the court. How do we do that? We do it faster, way more economically and with absolute civility and confidentiality. If you want to know more, go ahead and hit that link below and you'll find out how you can connect with me and we can talk about what's most important to you and your future. Now, back to the show. And then you want to learn what's important to the other person, the other party, like I've just said, ask them why it's important to them. Because when you do this, you can include this in the problem solving. And this really is how you protect your interests while maintaining peace, because it is not weakness to say, I want to hear what's important to you. I want you to hear what's important to me, and let's see if we can come to an answer that meets both our needs. That's not weakness, that's smart. And that's also how you're going to gain, some momentum in that discussion. And you're going to bring down the animosity. How do you address this when you're in this? Trying to, you know, get the things you want out of the negotiation, but maintain the peace. Well, I want you to use phrases like this. Hey, what can we agree on here? And ask the other person to identify what they can agree on. Here's another one. Help me understand why that's important to you. Write that down. I've said that before in this podcast, earlier on. I'm going to repeat it. Ask the question, help me understand why that's important to you. You also in protecting your interests while maintaining the piece. I want you to use tools like mediation and early settlement discussions. So here, what are mediators? Mediators are people like me who facilitate a productive negotiation, help you talk to each other in language you can understand.'cause let's face it, if you're in a dispute, it's probably because you are having a hard time communicating with each other, right? So a mediator comes in as a neutral. Helps you have a productive communication with each other, and negotiation helps you explore all of the options, helps you ask those questions. Why is that so important to you? Help me understand what are your interests here? Hey, did you hear what her interests are? What are your interests? Okay. Do you think those are mutually exclusive or can we find some ways of meeting both those needs? Have we thought about this option? Let's write all the options down and talk about them. That's what a neutral does. They're not judging you. They're focusing on the facts. They're calling out all the interests and helping you have discussions that are fair and neutral, neutralized discussions. And obviously if you're able to do that, what is mediation doing for you? Ultimately, it's reducing that animosity that has been there in the relationship that led you to where you are, right? And it reduces any animosity that. It might come up if you go the traditional court route, because that is an adversarial environment. It just is. It's not conducive to creative solutions that meet both your needs. Now, how do you handle, how on earth do you handle pushback? Yeah, let's get real. People are going to give you pushback, especially people who aren't listening to podcasts like this, trying to better themselves, trying to understand how you do this in a better way. And your ex is probably one of those. Hopefully not. It'd be nice if they were as thoughtful as you are in trying to learn how to do these things. So how do you handle it when you get the pushback? First of all, you need to stay calm at all costs. Stay calm. You do that by focusing on the facts, letting all of the insults, if there are any digs, any of that, the triggers. You've learned some of those with a therapist, hopefully how to, how to overcome that, and you just commit to staying calm no matter what. I'm staying calm. Make it a game, right? Re reiterate, as you're staying calm, your willingness to compromise without giving in on the things that are absolutely critical, non-negotiables to you. That's one way to handle the pushback. Also, use those strategies like asking, clarifying questions or taking breaks to diffuse the tension. Putting time and space between the conversation and taking breaks for everybody to calm down, change their physicality, change their state. Those are effective tools that people don't use often enough. You do not have to be locked in a room for 12 hours at a time without taking breaks and let it go nowhere. It's okay if you say, I need a break and try to do it ahead of time. Don't do it when you're in the heat of the moment. If you feel yourself kind of getting triggered, take use, make use of that tool and take the break and diffuse it and make sure you ask those clarifying questions. If someone in the middle of a mediation or a negotiation says something that feels like a dig to you, then just ask a simple, neutralized clarifying question like, I'm not sure I understood that. Could, could you explain what you meant by that? That way you don't make assumptions and it doesn't escalate. And again, focus on the facts. What do we know for sure? Okay. Lastly, here's some common pitfalls that happen when you're trying to be the peacemaker without giving away the farm, right? And how you can avoid them. So first of all, when you're in this process, I want you to avoid emotional decision making. So anger, guilt, and fear can lead to really poor decisions. A lot of times you might have some guilt over why the relationship has broken down and you're getting a divorce, or you may feel guilty about how it's affecting your children and out of guilt, feeling like somehow you have to pay back some kind of a debt. You make some decisions that you ordinarily wouldn't make because you feel so guilty. That's not sustainable. And quite frankly, when we make decisions about divorces in mediation or in negotiations, in settlement, out of guilt or out of fear or out of anger, we regret it later. And it often contributes to somebody trying to back out of a settlement agreement. You don't want that. Here's an example of what that might look like. Agreeing to an unfair settlement just to end it quickly. This is super common. A lot of people are really uncomfortable in that zone of meeting face-to-face and talking about hard issues. Even in the mediation arena. We are really careful in mediation to be watching and if we get the sense that somebody's trying to rush through it. And we know, you know, as as neutrals, we can see that something is really going down a lopsided road here. And it's not our job to make the decisions for you, but it is our job to make sure you're in the right state of mind to mediate. We're going to stop that mediation, pull you to the side and go, is everything okay? How are you feeling about this? It seems like you're rushing and the response we'll get most of the time is, yeah, I just want this over with. I just want this over with. That's really not the place to be. You want to be calm, centered, not rush through it, and no, you're going to be okay. A little discomfort or even a lot of discomfort is okay, quite frankly, in life. If you think about your biggest growth moments, it's where you had the biggest amount of friction and conflict, right? It's where we're uncomfortable. So if you can start identifying those feelings of discomfort, having uncomfortable conversations, not running away from them as an opportunity for massive personal growth. You won't see it in the moment, but you will see it in the days, weeks, and months afterwards. Then you're going to be able to tolerate it quite a bit more. Alright, when are we over compromising? What are the red flags that you're giving too much. Okay. Well. It's when you agree to something that you have kind of that sick feeling in your stomach, that pit of your stomach, because when you think about it, you know that realistically you can't perform what you're promising. That's a big red flag. That's your, uh, you know, warning sign. Slow down. You may need to take a break. You may need to say, I need to think about this point a little longer. Can we come back to it? And you circle back to it. Maybe it's not even in that conversation. You come back to it. Maybe you need to speak to some advisors, but if you know in the pit of your stomach, I don't think I can, I want to be done with this, but if I agree to this, can I really meet that agreement? If you can't, don't pass go. Don't collect a hundred dollars or whatever it was in Monopoly. Okay? If you're agreeing to something that, you know, let's say you're agreeing to an asset division or a support amount and you know, you absolutely can't live on that little money or without at least, you know, some decent amount of assets, we're not talking about being greedy. We're talking about, you know, it's just not doable. Right? So listen to your gut and come back to it and be honest at the table. You don't want to give away the farm when it will result in bigger problems later down the road. And another red flag is you are just agreeing too fast. You're just, yep. Okay. Yep. What's the next one? You need to think through the consequences of every decision you make. They're not going to be comfortable all the time. But just remember for every decision you make, it's dropping the rock in the middle of the pond and all the ripples effects that, that waves that go out. You need to think about it ahead of time so that you don't come back and say, oh my goodness, I didn't think about that. You could really get yourself into a lot of hot water and blow up your agreement. Okay, so what are some strategies to assert yourself very respectfully? Well, again, back to focus on the facts. That's a huge strategy. I can't emphasize that enough. Now the next one is, you know, I mentioned what are your non-negotiables? Know what they are. Well outline, take a piece of paper and I want you to outline two things on the left side of the page. These are my non-negotiables, and why it's a non-negotiable. Draw a line down the center and on the right page. These are my expectations. What's the difference between a non-negotiable and an expectation? Well, the difference between a non-negotiable and an expectation is a non-negotiable, truly is like, I cannot live without this result. Right? And identify why. Make sure you really can't live without it or some kind of a result close to this. That's a non-negotiable. This deal's not going to happen unless this happens. Okay? An expectation is something that I'd like to have happen, but it won't be the end of the world if it doesn't happen. Most of the things in life that we get all emotionally upset about are unmet expectations. They truly are. Very few are about non-negotiables. Most of them are about unmet expectations. You want to be in the realm in order to assert yourself respectfully of understanding the difference between expectations, things that you would like to have happen, and what the real non-negotiables are. I know the difference. And then, of course, acknowledge the other person's needs. That's how you can stay respectful through this process and acknowledge that you both have stated needs that are legitimate. I heard what you just said. I understand you have a need to be in a safe home with the children and know that you can sleep at night and be safe even though you don't have a spouse in the house with you. That's a legitimate need. I also have the need to be able to have a home as well, so that when the kids are with me, they're safe and they're comfortable. Those are both legitimate needs, right? How do we get there? Okay, so that's how you stay respectful. About not knowing your rights. Don't go into a negotiation or a mediation without knowing your rights or about using part of that process to find out about your rights. Okay? It's really critical to understand the legal landscape of your divorce. Super critical. Why? Because when you go into a discussion with your soon to be ex about how to get this divorce done, about the children, about how to divide things, if you don't know what you're entitled to, and the other spouse says, you're only entitled to a hundred dollars a month. And you haven't done your due diligence to find out what the spousal support or the child support or the both amounts would be, or in mediation, you don't have a mediator that's going to provide you those support calculations ahead of time. Don't ever do that. They don't provide 'em to you ahead of time. Shouldn't be going to mediation. You need the information and because when you know your rights, then you know what, where your boundaries are, where your non-negotiables are. It gives you the confidence in choosing to agree or not to agree. It also helps you know what you are compromising or not compromising. You know, you may be quite aware of the whole package of legal rights you have and could get if you went down to the courthouse and when you know that there may be some that quite frankly you don't really care about or they're not that important to you, those are the things that you want to know about because see, now you have some things to compromise on. But if you don't know about those in advance, you've given away some areas of possible compromise. And then also, when you don't know your rights, you don't have a very good way of navigating threats or arguments that don't hold any water. Again, you don't know if they're true or not. So do some due diligence. Know your rights. And if you go to mediation, make sure a mediator is giving you the information on what the law says on all of these issues. And also, please be sure that you consult an expert to ensure fairness. So again, in the mediation world, make sure it's an expert mediator who's done a ton of cases, who has a lot of experience in that subject matter. If it's a divorce like we're talking about now, it has to be a mediator that's an attorney. Because there's so much law that is applicable to what's going on, obviously in the divorce. A family law attorney, someone who's done a lot of mediation and has been down at the courthouse and has done it himself or herself. And then also, let's say you're in the mediation environment and you come to a settlement agreement, make sure, that before you sign a settlement agreement, if you go to mediation without attorneys, you then go to an attorney before signing the agreement that you came to. Now, let me back up for a minute. Family law mediations, divorce mediations it's very common that people show up without an attorney 'cause they're trying to save money, right? That's normal. It doesn't mean you can't mediate with an attorney present. I do it both ways. If parties want to come in with their attorneys and help them mediate and represent them through a mediation, that's perfectly fine. But the reality is the majority of divorce mediation cases come in where the parties are coming in to together, well, not together, but they're at the table together without attorneys and with just the mediator there. And in that instance, after we've helped you do the homework, we've sat down, we've done the mediation, we've come to an agreement, we've drafted the terms of your agreement, all of your paperwork for the court, and it's all ready to go, we never let you sign the agreement in our office 'cause we want to make sure there's no pressure on either side, and more importantly, we send each of you the settlement agreement that you came to and we say "Now, go see an attorney and get input because we're neutrals, we can't tell you if it's a good deal, a great deal, a bad deal. We can only give you information and tell you the laws and the facts. So we can't give you legal advice." So what are we doing here? What we're saying is now's the time, if you haven't done it already, to bring in a professional, pay for an hour or two of an attorney's time. And make sure you understand and you feel confident about going into this agreement. You know what you're giving up. You know what, you're not giving up and you get the the advice from an advocate. Okay? So key takeaways of this video that I want you to just keep to the forefront of your mind. Being a peacemaker doesn't mean you're a pushover. Absolutely not. It means you're being strategic. Stay informed and stay calm. And focus on your goals. Know the difference between a non-negotiable and an expectation. I'm encouraging you now, right now'cause you're listening to this 'cause you got a divorce about to happen, I presume, or you're in one or you have a very dear friend or family member who's about to go through it. They need to take these actions or you need to take these actions. One, write down your non-negotiables and your expectations and know the difference. Two, write down all the potential compromises you may be willing to make about the things that are important to you. And then three, reach out for mediation or professional guidance. You don't want to walk into this blind. Be prepared, be strategic, you know? I've created a freebie for people just like you who are going through this. And it's a video along with a downloadable document and the video is called How to Talk to Your Ex About Divorce Mediation.'cause let's face it, if you're in conflict with your ex, it's kind of hard to talk to them about anything. But this is about getting you more information about the option of divorce mediation, right? And helping you introduce the subject to your ex. So in the video, I share some techniques about how to open up that conversation without it going south. And I also give you a downloadable document that has a couple of things. It's got a whole set of resources for both you and your ex on mediation, mediation FAQs, all things mediation. It also has scripts so a text message script, an email script, and even a phone script that gives you some prompts on how to start that conversation and invite the other party to explore. The very smart viable option of divorce mediation over a traditional court litigated divorce, and it provides some links to give to the other side on the resources on mediation as well. So you'll find the link to that resource. I encourage you to get it. It'll be in the show notes today from today's show. Or if you go onto the saperelawfirm.com website, head over to the mediation page and you'll find the link to it there divorce. Is tough, but approaching it with a peacemaker mindset can make all the difference in the world. So thank you for listening, and until next time, remember, resolve conflict with intelligence and split smart.