The Impact of Personality Colors on Relationships and Self-Awareness

Ever wonder how much your personality colors influence your behavior and interpersonal relationships? Brace yourselves for a deep dive into the beautiful palette of the Hartman Personality Profile, guided by yours truly and the brilliant Cat Larsen. We'll be peeling back the layers of the intricate relationship between our core and secondary colors and the surprising ways they shape our everyday interactions and decision-making processes. Join us on this enlightening journey as we share our personal experiences with our own unique color combinations and how this understanding has enhanced our interactions and relationships. 

We're also blowing the lid off the often overlooked subject of boundaries and entitlement in relationships. By decoding our personality colors, we can tailor the way we manage our relationships and face challenges unique to our color profiles. We delve into the unique struggles blues, reds, and yellows may encounter in building connections and how blues can empower themselves by embracing their truth and learning to trust. We'll also walk you through the ways your secondary color can subtly tint your life experiences.

And it doesn't stop there. We're taking a hard look at the unsettling issue of manipulation. We'll arm you with strategies to spot manipulation and build effective boundaries to guard your peace. We'll reveal which colors might be more susceptible to manipulation and how you can identify them. We'll wrap up our discussion on a positive note, emphasizing the central role self-awareness plays in managing our interactions and relationships. Join us in this insightful conversation, and let's color your world with a deeper understanding of yourself and others.

Take the Personality and Character Profiles at TaylorHartman.com.

Send questions and comments to Taylor@TaylorHartman.com Or Cathy@TaylorHartman.com with “Podcast” in the subject line.

Transcript

Speaker 2: 0:13

Hello listeners. This is Dr Taylor Hartman, with Very Best of Living, and my colleague and friend, kat Larson. Hello, how are you, kat?

Speaker 3: 0:21

Hello listeners, this is Kat Larson. I just wanted to copy you. You're cool and I'm not.

Speaker 2: 0:28

I'm like, did I not just say that? Okay, okay, you did a very good job. Good job, I'm proud of you. So, kat, you talked about, we're going to do some questions. Our listeners have given some great questions. Some are on my Instagram Hartman Personality and some I just have written to us directly at Taylor at TaylorHartmancom or Kathy at TaylorHartmancom. We love the questions that come in. One of them that I liked very much came from a listener who asked how does secondary color influence or make the primary color look different? For example, a red with white versus a red with blue or a red with yellow Does also, does it make a difference if the secondary color scores high or low in numbers? Great question, so I appreciate that. Very much Came in from Lori, and what I love about this is I am such a Nazi about getting your core correct that when people try and muddy the waters with me, like I'm kind of really red and blue, I'm like here we go, I'm purple.

Speaker 2: 1:30

No, you're really not Like. You have to find your core. But to Lori's point, your secondary has a huge impact on how your core plays out. For example, I am yellow, yellow, yellow. 43 out of 45 answers yellow. But if I can't answer yellow, I am red. So oftentimes people will say, well, why is my yellow child not driven like you and like, well, a problem, because he's nicer, like he just enjoys floating and enjoying life. And I'm driven Like. I have to produce, I have to perform, but I'm still yellow. I can take off a week and never wind about having to come back to work, that's not a problem. But I still have a secondary that pushes my primary. So if you have a high number of a secondary, then you can guarantee that that color will impact your primary core.

Speaker 2: 2:27

So I think of that client of mine who is yellow, core secondary blue, no, core blue, I'm sorry, secondary yellow. And she took all the neighborhood to the bay to swim and once she got there, that's her yellow, like, let's go to that party, have fun. She realizes a blue, I can't swim, I can't manage all these kids at the bay and packed them up and took them back to her place to party with them at her house where it was safe. And I thought that's such a classic example of a blue person adding her yellow dimension. But at the end the blue went out. So I mean I'm never going to rival a red. I'm not equal to a red in their intensity and their just a directness and affirmations of strength and assertiveness. But I have certainly the comfort zone of going there. It's not awkward for me to be direct in a relationship, even though a yellow in general doesn't really want to have conflict. I don't mind it because of my red secondary.

Speaker 3: 3:25

What color is awkward for you to go to?

Speaker 2: 3:26

any Well, I have no white, no yellow. I know white, no blue.

Speaker 3: 3:30

So probably white is hard for me.

Speaker 2: 3:33

I'm very caring, but I don't. I don't know where it comes from. I just have always had a deep care for other people. I love depth. I love all the things yellows don't do, like the superficial and whatever else, but I I love depth of meaning. I love connecting at a deeper level, hearing who people really are. But maybe you know, that's just. Maybe that's who I am spiritually Like. There's more to me than just that yellow play.

Speaker 2: 3:58

But, but I'm not like. White is the hardest for me. I I really have to struggle to feel whether they're coming from a guy I watched, for example, recently, a white just gets so stressed and so anxious, screaming and yelling and over the top and I'm like what is going on here? Well, the the, the reason that she was doing that was she's out of control. She does not sit in structure, disciplined. That allows things to flow.

Speaker 2: 4:27

Mm-hmm unless she's screaming and yelling. Well, the white who craves peace, she's trying to get back to peace, she's trying to get where she can be free of the tension of life or children. And I and I saw that with two white women recently that they said I am so Frustrated that I'm trying to get back to peace and I'm thinking because I'm much more, I'm stronger.

Speaker 2: 4:50

I'm like well, put in place a structure that allows you not to be so chaotic, but they are overwhelmed and they can't find a reason to our pathway to get there. It's so intriguing to me. And then, on the other hand, I see what a white kindness like where I'm gonna be sarcastic or I'm gonna blow something up. I watch them literally give a pass to people for bad behavior. I watch them not to make it personal. It's a remarkable gift. So I think I have to stretch more in those areas than any other color.

Speaker 3: 5:22

Do you think some people like when you're doing Therapy and we talk about your path and and your agency and what you have to do?

Speaker 2: 5:30

right.

Speaker 3: 5:30

You think like a blue really needs somebody else to actually, you know, help them along that path. Like to don't blues like connect and learn better and Thrive better with somebody else, as opposed to all by themselves 100%.

Speaker 2: 5:47

The saddest story in life for me is a blue person who has been traumatized, hurt, rejected Whatever, to the point that they've sought no longer to connect Because their core motive is intimacy, whether they like it or not. And so your point is so spot-on, cat. It breaks my heart when they don't have that access to somebody who will help them move forward. In fact, they're so vulnerable as blues. They want someone so badly. They will often accept someone who takes advantage of them Because they want that relationship. And yet I absolutely think that, for example, in counseling, oftentimes blues will come because they want to do the right thing and they want to share the experience with someone they trust. And they may have a spouse who's sick you don't need that like you're fine, but the spouse doesn't care, the spouse doesn't listen. This person is really kind of alone, quite frankly, on their path.

Speaker 3: 6:42

So they just resonating with them that someone else sees where they're coming from, understands what they're going through is very important to blue Very much so so a blue goes to therapy or gets a coach and you send them that coach, your therapist sends them that out into the world with the therapeutic tool be Finding somebody. I mean I almost think like like an AA group, like that kind of support right.

Speaker 3: 7:06

Yeah, that's amazing to me, those people we have. We have a, we have a Facility right down the road and every day there's in this area, it's where all different every day there's an AA meeting and it just it fills up my heart like it's, like these people can only you know are doing this work together.

Speaker 2: 7:25

Right, right, and they value each other like the value being with these people. They care about and they care about new people who join them, like wanting them to succeed. I think I like about those. Are they? The intent is behind it is meaningful, like it's about others, not about One self you know it's yourself doing the work right, but I I think your point is really really good.

Speaker 2: 7:48

I think I like, for example, the blue, I would want to validate their truth, like truth is not their truth. That's true, and so I would want to give them what resonates with something that is true and can fall like hold its own over time. But I would probably recommend more learning how to trust, because I can't really make them find someone I'm more like. Maybe your skepticism and your fear of rejection is preventing you from allowing that into your life. So make this work on you trusting the universe, trusting other people more. That might give you access to connections. Or, for example, they are judging other motives. I Talked to one recently has said I think my problem is I don't trust other people's motives, so that's kept us in the prevents me from building solid relationships, which is good, great insight.

Speaker 3: 8:36

So the secondary, like, no matter what I mean, that's one thing, it's like a blue, a blue red still has to have intimacy to have a healthy life.

Speaker 2: 8:47

Yeah, you know I like that. You say that because the truth of matters. I like people, know I love blue reds because I'm everything they're not and they're everything.

Speaker 2: 8:54

I'm not, but they have a harder road to Because they they have this blue Desire to connect and then they have this red, bossy, demanding, assertive side that doesn't make people want to connect and so they struggle with that constantly and Sometimes they give up on making a connection because they can't kind of tap down. They're negative, red and it prevents them from getting what they really want ultimately, which is someone to care and connect with. But again, they're like a blue was red is a very different animal than a blue was white. They're different. So I think a blue was white's problem is their lack of affect, their lack of Risking being assertive in connecting.

Speaker 3: 9:39

They still want intimacy, but they may, are perhaps too passive in Allowing that to happen and the higher the number, the more that might be Relevant in their life, like if I'm. If I'm 42 blue and 41 White, would that be harder than 57 blue and, you know, 23 white?

Speaker 2: 10:00

It would be, because the truth of the matter is in that number you have positive and negative mm-hmm.

Speaker 2: 10:06

Again, I always tell listeners take the character profile because it allows you to answer all the questions and then you'll see how much good and bad you have in each color. So if I'm blue, secondary white, I may be actually doing negative white things that prevent me from getting my blue needs met. And Remember your core Motive is like breathing, so it's literally you are dying if you're not true to your core. Your secondary is like a broken arm or a strong arm, a healthy arm. Mm-hmm. It definitely impacts how you flow through life.

Speaker 2: 10:40

Mm-hmm but it's not the same as breathing. So what happens is, if somebody takes their secondary and makes it their priority as opposed to their core, they're sabotaging their ability to breathe. I talked to a man just recently who is yellow. We allow his life experience as a police officer and other things to push, push him into red, and he's never been satisfied or happy and he's now, for the first time, owning oh, it's because I gave priority to the red instead of my yellow core. I let the red take over priority. Oh.

Speaker 2: 11:15

Oh so it your secondary does color you. It is important. Remember the only color they can do all four equally like they're really a strong blend across the board is white. They're still the chameleons and the driving course still peace, but they have highs and lows of each one. I love this question. It was excellent. Other ones that we were asked, for example, that was so good.

Speaker 2: 11:38

How should a blue treat an unhealthy yellow who gets mad when I don't adore her 24-7 and I'm like, oh my gosh, that's such a good point. So the blue wants to please, the yellow wants to nurture the yellow and the yellow is running amuck and the yellow is like Adoring myself because I am breathing, yes, but you also aren't getting dressed and moving on with life meaningfully. You're doing only things that you want to do at my expense. I can't adore that. I can adore you, but not your behavior and you want me to adore your behavior. It's proof that I adore you not happening. And I told him. I said you know, sadly, you're dealing with somebody who has been given a pass on her life, and the princess really doesn't believe she should be held captive.

Speaker 2: 12:25

She thinks you should be adored because she's yellow and yellow. You know how we are cat? We think we should be, and so there are yellows that they won't do their work to be adored. They simply expect it, and when you take that away, they sulk and they pout and they get angry and throw things, and they seek other people instead of you who will validate them for being Wonderful, and it breaks my heart when this happens. I am telling you, though you cannot break them down unless you stop allowing the behavior. The longer you allow it to go on, the worse they get, not better, and it kind of leads me into a topic we're gonna get into at one point, called entitlement. It's an intriguing phenomena to me that the more you defer to people who are not legitimate, the worst they get at, feeling entitled to get whatever they want, because there's no structure or discipline or consistency in what you're expecting from them.

Speaker 3: 13:16

Okay, hold it, hold it, hold it, say that again.

Speaker 1: 13:19

Okay, so, because this is deep. So, what I mean really.

Speaker 3: 13:23

I mean this is not just on the surface stuff. I mean our listeners are like I really want to get this, and I know that people out there do too, so say that again. I'm sorry I interrupted, but say that again for me.

Speaker 2: 13:34

No, I think it's great. My problem is this that people that are being allowed to run amok don't get better, they get worse. It's like the fat person who is never told you've had three plates, now You've probably had enough. They don't start eating less, they just eat more. So if you want to help somebody, you have to start putting a structure and a boundary around them, and when somebody acts a certain way, which is bad behavior like I'm a yellow who doesn't care about taking care of you, I'll show up.

Speaker 2: 14:04

When I'm going to show up, I need to look good. That's all you need to understand, and I want you to appreciate that when I show up, well, that person is not going to get my support. That is not going to happen. I will be leaving without them. I will go to the event and they can show up when they want and I'm happy to talk about it anytime they want, but I will not support bad behavior. That's not going to happen, because then, if I'm doing that, I'm only facilitating them being more entitled. They have more rights, which they don't have in the first place, but they think they do, and then the worst part, kat, is that if I allow that to go on. That's the box I put you in. I can't get out of the box. I've now facilitated my own destruction with you because I have made it okay for you to behave badly, and so when I try and stop that, it's really difficult because your reaction to me is going to be I don't accept that. You've always accepted before. So no, you need, if you're going to love me. This is how you do it and I'm the one that has to be strong enough when I was too weak before to say no more. I'm not doing it anymore.

Speaker 2: 15:07

So remember, listeners, if you are involved in a relationship where bad behavior is being allowed, you are setting yourself up by allowing it. You're acting weak, you're deferring to an incongruent, immature child and I don't care what age they are. And the sooner you stop that support of that behavior and never, ever, ever stop loving, never stop adoring, I still think you're magical. That behavior sucks. That's not going to go on for long. That's not going to go on for me. If you can't do that, that person will continue to push the envelope. And sometimes the problem I have with people is they're so not that way they almost can't believe it Like they're sure that you're going to stop being that way, and so they don't really push the envelope. I'm like, no, you have to push the envelope because they're not you. They, honestly, are screwed up in their thinking, and their twisted ideas of what they're entitled to are at your expense.

Speaker 3: 16:03

Should yellows work at not wanting to be adored?

Speaker 2: 16:06

I think they should work at reasons to be adored.

Speaker 3: 16:09

Reasons to be adored.

Speaker 2: 16:10

Yep, like, show up and care about other people, like, don't make it about you, make it about others that you enjoy. And then you are adorable for good reason. But if you think you should be adored simply because you breathe, you'll find that you take a lazy path and eventually what you're wanting you don't get any longer, but it's on you. The reason you don't deserve to be adored is you have not earned that by being a good yellow, a healthy yellow.

Speaker 3: 16:38

So I can look at you and say you're, I mean, you do that right, Like you show up and you care about people.

Speaker 2: 16:43

I do and I do my part, like I will keep things clean and I will keep my word follow up. I will do all of those things that you really should do as a good human being. But you're right, I would prefer to be adored. My wife doesn't need that, but she also needs much more care and feeding I don't need. So you know I I'm not going to deny yellows love to be adored. I'm just saying yellows should not see that as an entitlement. Despite that behavior.

Speaker 3: 17:12

And that can be really contentious in a relationship that you start beating. You know well you're too needy. Well, you want to be, adored for so that can become like the narrative in a relation, in a blue yellow relationship like this gentleman's talking about.

Speaker 2: 17:25

Constantly. That's correct. That does happen, I mean. All I'm sad about is the reason I love blue people is they are so nurturing and caring and they're not that way typically, like they don't really even understand that kind of narcissistic self aggrandizement. That's just not a blue's nature. So I'm afraid that if he doesn't step in soon and say, look, we're going to fix bad behavior, it doesn't change the fact that I love and adore you, but the behavior I don't. The sooner he does that, the better off he's going to be. And I hate to say this, but because of agency, if she doesn't choose to play, then he may have to look at whether he wants to stay in that.

Speaker 2: 18:04

Another question Can you please talk about manipulation? It's such an intriguing phenomenon, kat, because as a therapist, it's kind of a fun game when someone comes in not to get better but to manipulate, and they're busy trying to work me the whole time. We're in this conversation and I will speak very directly to it. I will say okay, here's what you just said, but you told me what you wanted in life was this. But you, what you just did was trying to manipulate me to make it okay for you not to have to do something that would get you the very thing you said you wanted. So explain to me how you think manipulating me and my response is gonna help you get what you say you want and and almost always the responses. I didn't do that. That didn't happen. So People have to get really astute at feeling. When the dots don't line up, there's incongruence. That's how I use, that's the skill I use to identify.

Speaker 2: 19:06

Manipulation is what is being said versus what is being done. That don't fit. And I, you know, I've worked with people my whole life that are manipulative and I think they could be a lot of wasted energy, because it's kind of. You're batting around Non-specific, non-concrete things and if you're not careful, you get caught up in this nonsense and you start thinking well, maybe I'm wrong, maybe I heard it wrong, maybe I'm not being very kind, maybe I'm the problem. And that's, of course, where the manipulator wants you to go. They want you to believe that they're not wrong. You're wrong. They want you to validate them with things you really don't want to validate them for, but they convince you you should if you cared about them, and they would appreciate that more if you would that kind of stuff.

Speaker 2: 19:51

It does help, by the way, if I don't care whether you want me or like me or I need you, if I don't really care, then it's much easier to say you know what that doesn't work from, but I don't need you in my life. It's almost freeing to be able to do that. The problem is like when you need someone in your life and they're being manipulative To separate. I'm not gonna allow you to manipulate me, but I also want you to know that I do care about you, and that's typical about parenting, by the way.

Speaker 2: 20:22

Like almost always in parenting, at some point your kids are gonna manipulate you. And for you to be able to say I don't accept the manipulation, but I do care about you, I want the best for you. Like, for example, if they say if you love me, you let me go out, or Later, or if you love me, you wouldn't expect me to do all these chores, I have all this homework to do, or those kinds of comments I do love you, now do the dishes. You reinforce the truth, but you also stop the manipulation, and unfortunately, I see a lot of parents that are so weak they fall for the manipulation, therefore destroying the very thing their kid needs most, which is being responsible in the relationship.

Speaker 3: 21:02

Do you think people always know when they're being manipulative? No, no, no.

Speaker 2: 21:08

No, I've had many people even say to me how do I miss that? How did I not see that? I'm like it's just not who you are, you don't live in that world. That's not what you think about. And because you're not that way, you miss it. You don't see it, but it's, it's I. I feel it's kind of a gift that I have a feeling manipulation out, I sense it more and I don't really mind. By the way, if it doesn't really matter to me, what do I care? But if it's gonna affect me, yeah, I care. Or if I'm in a loving relationship with someone therapeutic relationship, any of those kind of things my children, my spouse, whatever no, absolutely no. I'm gonna speak to the behavior that is manipulative.

Speaker 3: 21:45

Can you talk to about a couple of like, if I don't know, like I'm listening to you and I'm going. Well, what? If maybe I am. How, where do I start? How do I start being aware of that?

Speaker 2: 21:55

I would start with what feeling you got from what happened. Like they did, at the end of the day, did whatever it happened. Feel good to you. Are you glad that you played out the way it did? And typically they'll then say, well, I, I was kind of mad actually. Well, why were you mad? Well, I realized that this is what they were saying, but this is what, not what they were doing, or here's. I didn't feel like I could ever measure up. It didn't matter what I did, it never met their expectation.

Speaker 2: 22:22

That's another way of being manipulated and you just have to realize that maybe I need to not listen to their voice. I need to listen to what is important for me and watch how they interact with other people. That's another way to kind of see manipulation. You can. It's almost easier. You know these retreats that I would do. I'm so in your face that in that moment you really can't hear me. It's just too much. Right, like a fire hose, but the person next to you is going oh my gosh. I see that totally, because they can understand it when it's not focused on them.

Speaker 2: 22:51

So I think sometimes when you watch how people are with other people, it becomes very easy to see the manipulation, easier than when it's to. You Always know the motive of manipulation is dirty, but a child at birth is crying, so you'll hold them. Okay, I get it, you gotta be angry about it, you just don't do it. The fact that you say I know why you're doing this, it's okay, it's just not going to be my expense, I'm staying asleep, they get better. But if I defer to them and let their manipulation win, then I actually hurt them and I hurt myself and I hurt my relationship with them. So it's a manipulation. It's kind of a fun area for me. I enjoy that dynamic. What I don't really enjoy is when it's preventing growth and development. If it's just a game we're playing, then at some point it's an expensive game emotionally and financially.

Speaker 3: 23:42

Mm-hmm, do you think that there is a color that manipulates more than others?

Speaker 2: 23:47

Oh wow, that's a good one. I don't. I think all are guilty. I think some are better at it. To be honest with you, some people are better at it, not necessarily color, but they're better at by their nature. But I would say that all colors manipulate and they manipulate so differently. It's so hard to see unless you understand that color and what you're looking for.

Speaker 3: 24:08

Can you talk about that a bit?

Speaker 2: 24:10

Yeah, I think, for example, yellows, they are con men in that they will deny the manipulation. Oh, I was just kidding. You're like wait a minute. You're always just kidding at my expense, or you make a big deal out of everything. It wasn't that big a deal. No, you being a half an hour late was a big deal. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 24:28

And yet they'll make you feel like you're so negative They'll twist it and turn it on you. You're making a big thing out of nothing. And then the reds they're better at their force of confidence. They'll make you believe that just do what I'm telling you to do, you'll be better off. And you're thinking, no, I need time to think about that. No, you don't. If you trusted me, you wouldn't need time. And it's that.

Speaker 2: 24:50

And the blues like well, you're probably right if I didn't trust you, but I don't really. I'm not really comfortable with that decision. Then they start feeling guilty and I'm like, oh my gosh, can you not see the red is bullying you. They're pushing their agenda on you because they don't want to spend the time waiting for you. They want it on their terms. Right, that kind of stuff. A blue and his blues are great at guilt, like they. They, you know, if you cared about me, you wouldn't ask me to do that, or, yes, I would. I still ask you to do that because they're a partner in this life. Like, why am I doing everything for you and that shows that I love you, but you don't have to do anything for me to show you love me? And then whites are brilliant because they don't talk, they literally won't give you anything at all, and that's a manipulation in itself isn't it Unbelievable?

Speaker 2: 25:32

It's so strong you almost can't beat it, to be honest with you, because there's no words, they don't give you anything. So it's really important that when that's happening, you say okay, you know what you're, on your own, figure it out. When you're ready to talk, we'll talk. But if I needy, I want you to want me, then I'm not going to be able to do that, and so they own me. Oh, great, thanks for today.

Speaker 3: 25:53

Great one.

Speaker 2: 25:54

Lots of stuff. It's kind of fun. Yes, it is, Kat. Thank you and listeners, we love you. Thank you so much for your words and your ideas. We will do more of this later. Have a great week. Hope it's sunshine and I hope it's not too hot.

Speaker 3: 26:08

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 26:10

Love you guys. All right, bye for now. Bye.