Maryann Samreth  00:00

Welcome to mental breakthrough, a memoir podcast about owning our most vulnerable stories so we can live a life of authenticity. I'm Maryann Samreth, the woman and behind the pen name sincerely, Miss Mary. Together, I take you through my healing journey as I share stories of moving through pain to get to the other side where the light shines again. In this season, I carry you moment to moment starting with multiplus breakup, then multiple breakdowns in eventually a breakthrough. I share stories of how my gift of writing guided me through the darkest moments of my life, leading me to reconnect with my Cambodian ancestors, and break the cycle of generational trauma. By sharing my truths, I paved the way for others to feel safe sharing theirs. We all have a story to tell stories that can be someone silver lining, stories of hope. In this episode, I talk about my first solo trip abroad. In the fall of 2019, I impulsively bought a plane ticket to Paris, in told no one. Until pretty much the day I left. I had this burning desire to go to Paris, I do not know why I was just calling my name, and I had to follow through. And during this trip, I learn to fall in love with myself, by being alone, overseas, not speaking the language, I only had myself and my journey abroad was life changing. It really shifted my perspective of what I needed in my life, to love myself, and what relationships I needed to nourish me. For a long time, I was giving my love our way to people who willingly took advantage of it. And I was breaking that toxic behavior behavior pattern I had in myself. So I am very excited to share my journey traveling alone to Paris, I think whether you're single or in a relationship, that is something you should do, you should travel by yourself. Decide what you want to do for you, and have that experience of learning to fall in love with your solitude. It's a very wonderful experience. And I think in moments of solitude, you really reconnect with yourself and you really learn so much about what makes you you and what you need to make you you what you need to make you feel safe. So I highly recommend solo traveling when it's safe to do so. I hope you all enjoy this episode. And I want you to think about where you would go in the world to fall in love with yourself. Episode 19 Paris taught me how to love myself. I'll never forget this conversation I had about how rock bottom creates a mindset of freedom, spontaneity and living as your most authentic self at rock bottom. You're fearless. at rock bottom, you meet yourself at rock bottom is my dear friend Marina said at our reunion dinner in one martic Paris, you have nothing to lose. And this is how I ended up in Paris on a solo trip reconnecting with an old friend from the time I live abroad in Florence seven years ago Lorina and I partied hard and Florence to the point where our only encounters were either at my apartment doing a pregame or at the clubs. We've never developed a real connection or even had a real conversation until I decided to reach out to her to see if she want to catch up over dinner on my solo trip to Paris. I was at a point in my life where I was seeking authentic connections. And in seasons of uncertainty Anything is possible which led to our dinner being over two hours of talking about our lives after our fashion studies in Florence. Marina told her story of rising from rock bottom and having the mentality of having enough thing to lose, which is what led her to move to her dream city, Paris. I was just rising from my rock bottom, which is what led me to Paris. The pattern of rock bottom is the beauty of doing whatever the fuck you want. Rock Bottom was exactly where I was when I made decision to buy a ticket to Paris. It was in between the stagnant seasons of fall and winter of 2019 I felt a burning desire to leave New York City. I was exhausted from healing a broken heart from a catastrophic ending of a five year relationship. And I hope you guys know the story by now. But if you need a refresher, there's always episode one. I was tired of crying. I was tired of the sleepless nights. I was trying hard of changing all my online passwords to prevent my ex from continuing to cyber stalk me and stalk me in person, which I talked about in Episode 17. No one believes you when your ex docs you so I did what any impulsive millennial would do. On a lonely night I booked a solo trip to Paris. I can't explain why I chose Paris because it felt like it chose me. For weeks, I kept seeing signs pulling at my heartstrings. My world was attracting all things French. I was surrounded by French schoolchildren in my neighborhood discovering French cafes on my way to work and was introduced to people who had just returned from their solo trip to Paris. The idea of traveling alone in the city of love as someone who just proudly shattered her rose colored glasses sounded perfectly ironic, why the hell not. I had just enjoyed my solo time in the Hamptons, and I was ready for a more daring adventure with me myself and I had to turn the volume of concern down from friends and family who were concerned of me going abroad alone. no one understood my intuition telling me to go to Paris and Paris is probably one of the safest cities to travel alone, especially if you're a woman. Paris was calling my name. So I silenced the noise of every fear, doubt and judgment of traveling alone. And jetted across the Atlantic to the city of Paris welcomed my heart with open arms. It began with reuniting with my cousin I haven't seen since I was 21. We lived worlds apart our whole lives as she grew up in France and I in America, but we were bonded to a similar roles of being the black sheep of our families. We were both raised with Cambodian cultural upbringings to be perfect. To live a life worthy in the eyes of our family. reputation was everything. stability, security, and especially checking boxes were always top priority. And I tried my best to follow this pressure of perfection until I realized I was living life for everyone. But myself, I think I stayed in my tumultuous relationship for as long as I did, because I was afraid of what people would think of me if I left I just couldn't be myself in my family. I felt like I broke out of the system after my awful breakup, marriage, kids, and a future with a partner was no longer in the cards for me and I couldn't be happier. I only wanted those things to feel worthy and fitting in with my family in what society and I lost myself trying to fit in a box that I was never meant for. I'd rather live of life of authenticity than please everyone and be miserable with someone who was on paper could have given me everything I wanted, but in Spirit gave me absolutely nothing. My desire was to now continue to fall in love with myself. I think the most romantic gesture of self love is a solo trip for your soul, a solo trip where you wake up to the Christmas morning with a renewed sense of freedom to do as you please. A solo trip where you discover that magic has followed you everywhere because it's been inside you this whole time a solo trip where you fall madly and deeply in love with the person you are becoming a solo trip where you fiercely show up to the world exactly as you are Paris was giving me all this freedom to learn to love myself. And part of this journey was meeting a blood relative who accepted me exactly as I am. I'm so grateful to have reconnected with my cousin after nearly seven years. My cousin and her fiance graciously took me on a tour of the outskirts of Paris from Disneyland to Bruges to a French Michelin star restaurant in the champagne country of rights. I was honored she shared her favorite places with me We both were in sync with trying to live a life of following what makes us happy. Rather than conforming to success painted by our families pressure, I felt so safe to tell her things I never told my immediate family. We both were filled with so much compassion, empathy, and curiosity for the past versions of ourselves so we could continue welcoming the newest version of ourselves. We both experience getting through setbacks in our lives without asking for help, because we didn't think anyone would listen. And now we realize we always have each other to lean on even for 1000s of miles away, we would always be there for each other to be seen, heard and validated in this relationship was the healing I needed. After a summer of isolation. Elaine, you're more than just family. You're part of my chosen family. After I parted ways with my cousin, I began my journey of solitude, allowing my heart to guide me the freedom to create my schedule was liberating. I would wake up past noon, nap at 4pm eat dinner at 11pm I was living and breathing a true Parisian lifestyle. My spear was free to roam the cobbled streets of Les Moray, weaving in and out of vintage shops filled with fur coats and designer dresses. I was energized with so low lunches, brunches and dinners I went to see the Moulin Rouge did a photoshoot and montmarte toward the catacombs of Paris and even took a yoga class in French. One night, I found a cozy bunch underneath the bright lights of the Eiffel Tower. I had never felt so renewed and happy in my life. Since my arrival in Paris, I stopped replaying my heartbreak. I was embracing the present moment, I was slowly learning to be okay to live a life without being in love because I was falling in love with myself under the Eiffel Tower. I wrote in my journal, you caught my name. For the first time I muted the sound of every fear, doubt and insecurity you whispered in my ear. I am here to be yours when you're ready when you are ready to live exactly as you are when you are ready to love exactly as you are when you are ready to simply be exactly as you are. You hold my hand gently tell me I welcome you open heart to open heart, exactly as you are. That was a love letter from Paris to me. I spent by stilted years with a partner who depleted me up until he left I gave and gave my love away with nothing mirrored back but deception, lies and betrayal. My trip to Paris showed how much love I had to offer and what would happen when I gave it to myself by choosing what I wanted to do eat or see. I was giving the love I gave away back to myself Paris mended my broken heart and coated it in Golden moments where I reconnected with the parts of myself I thought I'd lost forever in a world that conditioned me to find a partner before 30 I never knew loving myself provided me with unconditional feelings of trust, respect and worthiness. The love within created a new reality of the life I deserved and made me realize I was never bet too subtle for a man who laughed at my dreams, diminished my intelligence or held me back from my greatest potential the love within raised my relationship standards because I no longer needed anyone to validate my worth the love within said goodbye to an outdated belief system to create a healthier one. The love within was no longer afraid to live a life without being in love because I knew the only love I needed was in the safety of my heart. Paris You are a beautiful soul. You have a magnetic beauty You are a dream of a city not because you're easy on the eyes but because of the way you make me feel You make me feel see and that you make me feel desired You make me feel loved. And as I sit on the plane ride home, I turn around to say goodbye and it hits me all at once. Every way You made me feel was the greatest disguise of self love. Paris. I love you for allowing me to love myself. Thank you for listening to this episode. If you're in a single season, I hope you're able to fall in love with solitude. And if you need some guidance, I have my breakup workbook that will always be available in my show notes. If you liked this episode, please follow me on Apple podcast or Spotify and leave me a review. You can also find me on Instagram and tik tok at sincerely Miss Mary, I will talk to you all next week.