Transparency

Keeping it real is a phrase that we often use to describe how true we are to ourselves and to others.  We use it to express just how “real” we are being at the time.  However, we have to ask ourselves:  Are we REALLY living up to that phrase?  Transparency is something that is difficult for many of us.  We often hide behind the facades that we create to present the best version of ourselves to the outside world.  What we don’t realize is that we are only lying to ourselves.  There is so much fear in being transparent because it requires vulnerability.  That vulnerability is deeply rooted in being true to yourself about the correlations between your past and the present.  It is about being open to understanding our actions and thought processes and how are impactful that is to ourselves and the relationships we have with other people.  But why is it so difficult for us to take off our masks and shed our many protective layers?   What is it about our core that makes us want to hide ourselves?

In this episode of Girl G.O.A.T., we are joined with Bree Williams, creator of Vibes of a Queen, as we analyze the importance of transparency and the effects that it has on our personal development and growth.  This episode is filled with authenticity, truth, and wisdom as we discern the ways that something that is viewed as weakness is actually rooted in strength.
 
Temeka "TWRITEs" Weaver
@thepodcastmaster
Musical Artist DeQuan Curry, I'M BACK 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:08

Thank you for joining the Girl Gold Podcast with your host, Valencia Manny. This podcast is about relationships and marriages. We will explore the ups and downs of pain and healings that women go through in relationships. Girl Go is here to help you grow to your greatness. On this podcast, we will have real conversations with real people discussing topics such as rejection, abandonment, and infidelity. Let me know what you think of the GOAT, the Girl GOAT podcast with your host, Valencia Manning.

SPEAKER_02 0:57

Today on The Girl Goat, I'm so excited about this episode of Girl Goat. It's actually called Transparency. And today we have the creator of Vibes of a Queen, Miss Brie Williams, with us today. Hello, Brie. Hey, how are you doing? I'm doing great. I am so glad that you're joining the Girl Goat podcast today. This subject, this topic that we're about to talk about. Transparency, it's different for me. And I was kind of scared of this topic, even though I know Girl Goat is all about going into your greatness. And I know on each episode I am exposing more and more myself. But talk about actually being transparent and the things that we go through. This episode was kind of one of those I had to step up and just come on, just get with it. So, how do you feel?

SPEAKER_04 1:52

I feel better. I definitely understand why you said the whole stepping up to it because transparency means you like you naked, you letting it all out, and you letting everybody see what is really behind the mask. Yes. Take those masks off layer by layer. I definitely understand the nervousness behind it.

SPEAKER_02 2:13

The nervousness behind it. So vibes of a queen. This is so cute. I love the name because it tells you like vibes of the queen, it gives you the energy of knowing what you're about to expect. Tell us about vibes of a queen. What does that mean?

SPEAKER_04 2:30

The queen part came in the labels that that's been placed on me over the years from family to friends to co-workers, bosses. You know, everyone puts a label on you. And it was like I was trying to fit everyone's label. It was either I was trying to live up to your label or I was trying to prove that I'm not that label. Yes. So it was, hey, I gotta stop trying to please and prove people wrong and get to who I really am. And so the whole queen came about, as black people, we don't really know exactly where we're from.

SPEAKER_03 3:07

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 3:08

But we know we are African descendants. And I'm thinking, like, the continent of Africa is so majestic, not this world won't be where it's at right now without Africa. So I'm like, go back to your roots, girl. You are a queen, you came from a dynasty, you came from powerful ancestors, so that should be your label for yourself.

SPEAKER_02 3:29

Who you define yourself as being. Yes. Right. Yes.

SPEAKER_04 3:34

And hey, what type of queen do you want to be? I am independent, strong, confident, and with all that, I am immersed in my femininity. Yes, yes. That's my like definition of a queen. A queen. Yeah, yeah. That's so off. But then the vibes come in, like my energy, my articles is pretty much those are my perspectives, my thoughts, my opinions. So you're getting the vibe of me, basically.

SPEAKER_02 4:00

Okay. I like that vibes of a queen. We're talking about transparency, and how did it start for you? What brought you into this, into being transparent? That what was that? I don't know, what that light bulb moment or the emotional moment that you decided, hey, I'm about to step into my greatness, and this is what I'm gonna do.

SPEAKER_04 4:20

Back in 2015, I went through a deep depression. And I know we have our ups and downs, but this time it was like all the demons that I was running from came and caught up with me. I'm in the Navy, so my first five years in the Navy was just go, go, go, go, go. Then I went to shrug duty where things slowed down. Okay. And I couldn't run from those demons anymore.

SPEAKER_03 4:42

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 4:42

So that depression came. I went through a lot, I learned a lot about myself. And through it all, I felt like I don't want anybody else to go through this.

SPEAKER_03 4:52

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 4:52

Because I've gone through it, I can kind of like see now other people going through it. Like, oh, I I can identify that because I did it too. Yes. And so I start talking. I used to be very judgmental. That's just how I grew up. But then when I start noticing, Ray, you are not perfect.

unknown 5:11

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 5:12

You know, Ray, you got a lot of issues. Yeah. Yes. And the thing is like I always knew that, but I had to admit it. Yes. And so when I start admitting it, I couldn't really point the finger at people anymore. Right. Because I kept seeing myself in them.

SPEAKER_03 5:32

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 5:33

So the more I started talking, I start noticing, wow, your story is like mine. Not the same, but similar.

SPEAKER_02 5:41

Right. Like you said, yeah, you could see bits and pieces of that same thing unfolding in that person that you know that was in you, but you just wasn't ready to let out.

SPEAKER_04 5:52

The more I did that, they was helping me just as much as I was helping them. And so I was just like, you know, let's just stop being fake.

SPEAKER_03 6:00

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 6:01

Put the mask away. And it's so free. I can definitely be my authentic self. I don't have to be apologetic about it. And if you don't like it, that just means you're not for me. You're not supposed to be in my world right now.

SPEAKER_03 6:16

Right, exactly.

SPEAKER_04 6:17

I feel like the transparency really came in the more I started noticing, I'm just like you and you just like me. So let's just help each other out.

SPEAKER_02 6:26

Let's just help each other out. Let me tell you, for me, I noticed that the transparency for me came when I made up my mind to be transparent. It was actually two new people came into my life, and we developed a great relationship. And relationships are an investment. And I'm thinking to myself, if I'm about to invest time into these new relationships, I don't need to be surface, you know, because I was surface with everyone else. I was surface. I'm just, you know, you don't need to know that because being transparent is putting those guards down. And so one of my friends out of these two people, one has a very healthy marriage, which I had a very toxic marriage. So I'm listening to her, I'm learning things, I'm learning what to say, what not to say. And then the other person, she does a lot of self-examination for herself. And I'm thinking, okay, these people are being transparent with me. It's time for me to be transparent with them. It's time for me to let them know my ugly truth about my marriage, about my life, about I was going through so many changes. And I decided I'm letting all the guards down, and I trusted them. I told them everything. And our relationship, it was already good. I mean, it just blossomed. I was free, and now I could just talk to these people. We could just be free with each other. I think it was no longer one-sided, they were just free with me, and I wasn't free with them. We were both now all on the same playing field. Yeah. So that's when mine came, and I'm so grateful for it. Did you have an experience that brought you into transparency?

SPEAKER_04 8:16

Just the people I've met. Like I had one friend, cool dude, met him in the Navy, and he had some issues of himself. And I like, like I said, I was able to start see, like, hey, I remember that day to be me. And when you meet him, you know, he had those guards up to real tough dude. And a little bit at a time, I was like, you know, maybe you should try it this way. Maybe you should try it this way. And one day he was like, Why do you keep doing this? And I'm like, because I just see some pain in you where I was at. Yeah. And so I told him my story. Yeah. He was just like, wow, wait, yes, how are you speaking my language? So it was that. And so we became friends, and on that level, like, let's help each other out. I think my biggest thing was I grew up a certain way, certain teachers, and so forth and so on. If you didn't do it a certain way, you were wrong.

SPEAKER_03 9:09

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 9:10

And that closed me off from thinking, okay, yeah, other people's lives and perspectives and things like that. So I made a decision, like, let me start investing in other people as far as asking different questions, as far as what do you think? Yes. What are your ideas? What are your views on different things? And when I started doing that, I just noticed that we're all the same.

SPEAKER_03 9:34

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 9:35

There is nothing different about anybody. Yes. And my best friend, Nadia, that started us. She's very caring and so forth and so on. And I was very like, no, I ain't got time for this, you know. It's cut. Look, it's about 10th ABC. We ain't got time for tears. We ain't got time for this. We all got this. Maybe it's the military part of me. I don't know. But she was just all caring, like, no, get chances and this and that. And she kind of like irritated me a lot in the beginning of our friendship. Because she was just so open. Yes. But then the more and more I was going through my transition time, and the more and more it's like free. It's okay.

SPEAKER_02 10:17

It's okay.

SPEAKER_04 10:18

It's you know, let it go. Yes. And when I started with let it go, I became more free. Yes. I can talk to people more, I'm not as judgmental as I used to be, and I can be my authentic self and let other people be authentic as well because I'm not judging you.

SPEAKER_02 10:36

Exactly. So let's just go and dive into what does it mean to be transparent so people can really understand. Because I think sometimes we think being transparent is letting a person in a little bit, or I shared a little bit of my story, or maybe our version of the story. But if someone is transparent, it means that the person cannot hide or conceal anything. A transparent person has no secrets and tells no lies. So we need those things in any type of relationship. My thing is that we're going to take the time to invest in a relationship, in a marriage. If you're investing your time in these things, then why not be transparent? Why are you holding up a guard when you invest in your time? It's not going to move forward. It's not going to grow because you're keeping secrets and you're not telling the truth. So that person can't grow with you because they don't know everything about you, and you're refusing to let them in. Transparency, it does help us and it does heal us. But to be transparent, you have to trust. Yeah. So I was reading this quote. The quote is from Deepest Mind. And it says, Two keys to every marriage: being transparent and trust. Be transparent enough to gain trust and trust enough to be transparent. I love it. It's just they go together. They like salt and pepper. Right.

SPEAKER_04 12:15

Another thing was transparency. You gotta trust yourself. And they may sound crazy to some people, like how what do you mean? Because it's a lot of decisions in relationships, even mine. I thought that this was the right guy. And it turns out he cheated on me. I thought that this was the right guy. He lied to me. So after a while, it's like I was starting to not trust myself for my decisions.

SPEAKER_03 12:36

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 12:37

About different things. So that trust had to come back into like it's not your fault, or even admitting my faults that I had in that relationship. And I would say, in this current relationship, I'm in right now, that was one of the biggest hurdles we had, the whole trust thing. And the trust I feel like also comes behind fear. Because I'm afraid if I show you who I really am, are you gonna still like me?

SPEAKER_02 13:04

That brings us to our next question is can you share exactly what were you protecting? And fear is one of those things that keep us from being transparent. What stops us from being transparent is fear, anger, resentment, and there's many, many more. So, what stopped you from being transparent? What were you protecting?

SPEAKER_04 13:28

For me, it was way back in the past. That eight-year-old little girl whose heart was broken by her dad. Wow. And I think we're grown now and we don't really think about our childhood traumas as much as we really should. And so at eight years old, your first love is supposed to be your dad as a female. Yes. That's your first true love. When my dad walked out, and the way he walked out, that broke me. And as an eight-year-old little girl, I don't know how to express that. I shouldn't even have to even have to express that. You brought me into this world. And so not getting that healing at eight, I'm now a broken nine-year-old, ten-year-old, fifteen-year-old. It increased over the years because I still didn't get the teachings I should have gotten. Hey, this is how you behave as a woman in front of a man. Right. My mom is there to teach me how to be a woman, but I I never had that confirmation from my dad saying that you are beautiful. Right. I had to seek that elsewhere.

SPEAKER_02 14:36

Through other people, through other men, other relationships.

SPEAKER_04 14:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 14:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 14:41

And so I was protecting the brokenness that I had. And then when my dad left, that means my mama wasn't very available because she had to take care of me and my brother. Yes. So now if she's working two or three jobs at a time, I'm looking at her and she's a strong, independent black woman, right? Yes. But that can be you being too strong. Now, you know, I'm learning these characters of being strong, independent. No one's gonna take care of you. You got to take care of yourself.

SPEAKER_03 15:13

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 15:18

The mothers give us emotional nurturing, but when the mother is busy and she's working and she's and you understand that as a child, and you understand that being raised by a single mother, you understand all of that because you you get it. But at the same time, you need as a little girl, you do need the father to build you up. Because if you don't get built up by your father, you're gonna look for it in somebody. And like you say, nine times out of ten, we look for it in a man. And then we don't have a standard of what we should be looking for, yeah. Because the father is gone. So I truly, truly understand that, what you just said about the past hurt and what you were protecting yourself from. And for me, what I was protecting myself from, I was protecting myself from feeling vulnerable. And I was ashamed of all of the things that I had allowed to happen to me. I was ashamed that I had allowed someone to reject me, someone to abandon the marriage several times, and someone to keep having adulterous relationships in the marriage. I was ashamed of that, but I had to make up my mind to move forward that I gotta be transparent about these things. But that's what I was protecting. I was protecting those things, so I wouldn't tell nobody. I would keep that secret to myself of how much that I had endured. And at some point, I'm just gonna say, I think we tell ourselves to nobody really needs to notice. But if it's a true relationship, we don't know the baggage that comes with those things that we're protecting. We don't know the baggage that's in that luggage that we're holding that we haven't opened up. So we move into different relationships, holding that baggage, and like you say, we see it in other people, or we're moving into a new relationship, whether it's a male or female, and the person can, I don't know, let's just use a simple example. You meet a new friend or whatever, and you've dealt with rejection of the person not answering the phone when you call them, always going to voicemail. You meet a new person and they don't answer the phone. And they could actually be busy or you know, doing something, but they don't answer the phone. And you start feeling rejected. It's triggering that triggers rejection. It's simple things that triggers abandonment. You can have a friendship and you can plan to have a dinner date, girls' night out, and somebody decides they don't want to do this, they decide to go do something else. That abandonment issue it comes back up because now you feel like this person is not being loyal to you, or this person is doing the same thing that you've already experienced in a relationship. So I was protecting myself from those emotions. I didn't want to feel those emotions anymore from nobody. I feel you that way. So that's what I was protecting, and I had to own it and move forward. I'm done with it. So it's it's not helping me, holding on to it, it's not helping me. The luggage is old, it's beat up, it's gone.

SPEAKER_04 18:40

Yeah, and I know for me, I feel like I learned later on. I was thinking that I was good hiding these things, but all it was doing was like bleeding out and the way I was acting, the conversation. Even at work, there's someone at work, and I can tell she's hurting just from her behavior. Yes. You can't hide those emotions. You it's just right there, it's right there.

SPEAKER_02 19:07

And I think only when you have experienced those emotions, you see it. Like you said, the depression, and you can see it in somebody else. Since I have gone through a toxic relationship, I can see toxic relationships. I can see it. It's so clear to me. I don't care what the person is telling me. And I understand with toxic relationships, they have to go through that. I think I was in some form like you, I could judge relationships and be too judgmental about it and think, why would she put up with that or why would she do that, or why would she allow X, Y, and Z to happen in a relationship? But what I had to learn for myself is in any relationship, people have to go through their own journey. You can't rush another person's journey. And once they go through their journey and learn whatever it is that God wants them to learn, then they can move on and they can be free. A good friendship would allow a friend to go through the journey and hold their hand and carry them through that journey. That's a good friendship. Not rush them, not push them through, allow it, and just keep being there for the person. That's a good, healthy friendship. And I'm I'm grateful I have that I have, you know, I have that kind of circle, and I had it when I was enduring all of the toxic emotions that I was going through. So we have owned up to what we were hiding and what we were protecting, and not being transparent to others and holding it back. But being transparent means being true to yourself, it means owning up to your mistakes and your lies and much, much more. And what advice would you give to someone to make such a bold move to really be true to themselves, basically, is what we're doing.

SPEAKER_04 21:04

I posted something yesterday on Facebook because it definitely hit me hard. And it was like uh it's easier to be mad than to be happy. It's real easy to stay sad because there's no effort. Right. Just stay where you at.

SPEAKER_02 21:22

You just waddle.

SPEAKER_04 21:23

Yes. Yeah, yes. But if you really want peace in your life, if you really want like that's just not even thinking about other people because everything starts with self. So if you really want that peace, you have a decision. What do you want for yourself? Happiness, joy, peace, love is what you want, then that's your ticket.

SPEAKER_01 21:45

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 21:46

Take the stuff.

SPEAKER_01 21:47

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 21:48

So I think that's just my advice. It depends on I can sit here all day long and tell you how it's helped me, and it will help you as well. But you have to make the decision yourself and what you want.

SPEAKER_02 22:00

Yes, you're right. We have to make the decision to be bold and to be honest and true to ourselves. Basically, I want to say this one other thing. I was listening to the host of Black in the Garden. She made a statement in one of her episodes in the podcast: transparency breeds integrity. I just resonated on that because it does. If you're going to be transparent, you're true to yourself, you're true to your relationships, you're no longer holding any secrets in the relationships, and there's no room for secrets.

SPEAKER_04 22:40

And take baby steps along the way. It's not going to happen overnight.

SPEAKER_02 22:44

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 22:45

You're going to slip back. You know, and I thought those were like my in the beginning, like me getting out of the depression and so forth and so on. That was like the most frustrating moment of my time for my life because it was like, all right, you're good. We're good. We're tracking. All right, Steve. And I keep saying a trigger comes about, and all of a sudden you just slide back. Oh my God. But it goes back to the choice. What do you want? You're gonna either continue to go and get to where you want to be, or you're gonna just stop and sit there.

SPEAKER_02 23:20

It's so funny about the things that hold us back. The one thing that I when I read so much from different articles or what different doctors say or psychologists say, it's always fear. Fear is like the one thing that holds people back in everything. And so the fear of trusting a person keeps you from being transparent because it's the fear of holding you back. And like you say, you're never gonna move forward. So we gotta let go because it paralyzes us in so many ways that I don't even think we truly understand. And God created us as emotional and spiritual beings by not being transparent to me goes against the whole makeup of what he made us into. We are emotional. So if you're going against how you're created, you'll never be free. I never thought about that. That's good. I like that. Oh, shoot. One other thing you had mentioned to me about being transparent, because I always look at being transparent in a marriage, in a relationship, relationship with your male or female. But you had made the statement to me about being transparent to family. And that's pretty deep right there because family is on different levels. It's funny that it's family, but sometimes friends are closer than family. That's true too.

SPEAKER_04 24:45

Whoever you consider your family, once again, in the black community, there's some topics we don't talk about.

SPEAKER_03 24:51

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 24:52

There's secrets in the family. We're not gonna speak on that because it's gonna make Big Mama mad. Yes. It's gonna bring up a lot of other skeletons in the closet.

SPEAKER_03 25:02

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 25:02

You know, in the black community, going to a therapist is not a thing, really. Talking about your issues is not a thing, really. And then we wonder why, and communications and other relationships, we wonder why we can't speak and we can't talk, and it's always an argument, and so forth and so on. So that transparency, I feel like I'm not a parent yet, but I definitely want to get to the point. My child, mommy sad, explain what that means. Explain, I'm not telling, I'm not saying to tell all the information because they they don't need to know all that. But right, but on their level, yeah. No, mommy sad, mommy's gonna go for a run, mommy's upset, and talking amongst the family and getting things off your chest is gonna teach the next generation how to communicate.

SPEAKER_02 25:52

That's the biggest thing, communication. I always like to leave girl go audience with some nuggets, and the nuggets that I would want to say to them about transparency. Number one, it frees you, it frees you up from so much baggage, and then number two, you being true to yourself and it brings you closer into your relationships. And we have to remember we are emotional beings. With being an emotional being, you know that you gotta let guards down. And so I'm just glad I'm growing into my greatness. I'm glad I'm free. Yes. Can you tell the audience more about Vies of a Queen? What platforms, how can they find you, how can they read your articles?

SPEAKER_04 26:42

Vies of the Queen is all about healing. Everything I write about is true. There's nothing fictional about my stories, it's all about me. Some people have given me ideas to write about, but I can't write about it if it's not my story. So you're getting the authentic story of me. And I'm doing this because it's not just gonna be my story, it's gonna be other people's stories in the future as well. So you can get perspectives of different people that I bring on my future podcasts and the articles I write as well. But you can definitely find me on Facebook, Visalaceen. I'm on Instagram, Vis of the Queen on Instagram, and I also have my own website, visiblequeen.com, and that's where you're gonna find all my articles. And you can go in there and leave comments, discussions, and things in nature as well.

SPEAKER_02 27:25

Once again, thank you for joining the Girl Go podcast. I hope that this episode touches you the way it touched Bree and I, and moving forward into your greatness and being transparent. It's healthy for our relationships, and we need to do it. We just gotta do it, black woman. We gotta do it. Thank you for joining.