I Am Enough

Understanding our true values, as individuals, is something that is often difficult to do.  Oftentimes our past hurts and struggles serve as a pivot toward how we view ourselves and drive home the critical nature of how society views us.  This is especially true for black women.  We are constantly told that we are too much and, even more often, we are told that we are simply not enough.  With that level of confusion circulating around us, it's no wonder that so many of us have feelings of inadequacy and insecurities.  We navigate through life with a false sense of who we are and a diminished feeling of power.   Of the many different populations in this country, Black women deal with the effects of that projection of decreased power and purpose at a much more alarming rate than other groups. 

As the late Malcolm X stated, “The most disrespected person in America is the Black woman."  Well, we can add, most misunderstood, most underappreciated, most undervalued, and most overlooked.  These stigmas that exist in our society have crept into the hearts and minds of black women and have held us back from realizing and reaching our full potential. 
 
Today’s episode is geared toward exploring the nagging question of “Am I enough?”.  Our special guest, Mr. Trey Carrion, brings a unique perspective, rooted in psychological and holistic aspects.  The clarity that is established during this episode is a breath of fresh air as we focus on the detriments of not understand and believing that we are enough.  Consequently, we learn that we must first adjust our thinking in order to adjust our crowns. 

Podcast editor @thepodcastmaster
Content Writer: Tameka Weaver
Music: DeQuan Curry single I'M BACK
 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_02 0:52

Join me to see the morning of the girl go podcast with your host from the CMA. Thank you for joining the Girl Go podcast. On this episode, we have Mr. Trey Carrion from Atlanta, Georgia. He is a mental health professional and he's also a minister. Thank you. Well, hello, hello, Trey. How are you doing?

SPEAKER_00 1:20

Good. How are you doing today?

SPEAKER_02 1:22

I'm good. Well, thank you for being a special guest today. I'm just going to start out and just jump right on in here with this topic on being enough. First, I'm just going to start out with the plight of the black woman and why we have a problem with being enough or why we can't say we aren't enough. And I'm just going to just name three small problems that I have faced myself. And I'm sure there's many, many more. But the plight of the black woman not being enough comes to her beauty, her sexuality, her education, or her not being able to bear child. So the black woman has to be enough with her man. Like I said, in her beauty, in her sexuality, and her education and her childbearing. She has to be enough on her job with other black women, with other races. Sometimes positions are created for other races, and both people qualify for the same position. Or the black woman can speak up for herself for equal rights, for moral rights, and she's perceived as rude, aggressive, hard to get along with. We're also faced with this challenge, even in the church. We have this problem where we have to prove ourselves to have a seat at the table. These are the problems that we have with standing up and saying, I am enough. What's your take on this meaning of being enough?

SPEAKER_00 2:53

As a mental health professional, I've watched and I've read and have black women unfortunately have been misunderstood. Black women have been labeled as aggressive and volatile, not only emotionally aggressive, but verbally aggressive. And that has a lot to do with conditioning and programming. Unfortunately, a lot of people and even black men, we haven't educated ourselves enough on all the trauma that the black women have had to deal with. I'm talking about from slavery up until now. When you look at the cards that have been dealt, it's no wonder why some black women have the demeanor, the attitude they possess. Because when you've come out of the womb fighting, what have you, nothing has been given to you, that creates a demeanor, it can create a demeanor, I should say, of uh hostility and aggressiveness, which in reality it's not really her demeanor, it's her way of saying, I want to be heard, I want to be understood, I want to be valued, I want to be taken seriously because I'm just as educated, I'm just as intelligent, I have just as much going for myself as the counterpart. So I think in order to effectively answer your question, we have to go back to the beginning and understand that the cards black women have been given an unfair day. Yeah, women undervalued. Exactly. So I think, for instance, is it's one thing to label black women, but it's another thing to understand. And when I'm counseling my patients, I always say to my patients and to the families I work with, all behavior has meaning. And so we need to really understand why certain black women or some black women respond the way they do. Yes, react the way they do, communicate the way they do, because behind that voice of aggression, there's a deeper meaning. There are some unresolved issues, and a lot of it, Valencia, has to do with the programming and the conditioning and the way she's been conditioning. And when you look at a society, you know, you have your PhD, and yet you are paid $75,000 a year, and your counterpart is paid $150,000 a year.

SPEAKER_02 5:19

Yes, right, right. It's just not equal, it's not fair. And like you said, too, we could have a PhD and our counterparts could, like you said, not have a degree, and a position is created for that person. But we have done all of the steps that society tells us to take to hold these positions or stand in the gap. I don't know, get what we're supposed to get. Society has taught us to say, okay, you know, go to college, okay, be educated. Okay, here's the requirements for this job. And you get the requirements, but because of the black, because you are the black woman, you don't get the same position. And like you said, and not even the same pay.

SPEAKER_00 6:02

So all behavior has meaning. Yes. Kids don't act out simply because they don't have anything else to do. They're acting out because of hurt. They're acting out because of pain. A person who is addicted to drugs, they're not addicted to drugs just because they're bored and they don't have anything else to do. There's a deeper meaning behind their addiction. Same way with the black, conversely, with the black women. Black women, some are not verbally aggressive or, you know, have out of tunnel because they don't have anything to do, or how to say that correctly, because of they're bored or what have you, and they choose to be aggressive. No, behind that, there's some pain. It's some pain. Right. And a lot of it has to do with, you know, to your point of not feeling value, uh, being misunderstood, feeling powerless. Black women's worth has been devalued so much when in reality they're the ones who bring it the most to the table.

SPEAKER_02 7:00

Yes, exactly. We need to dive a little deeper into that emotional pain that we deal with. I'm just gonna use myself as an example about that emotional pain that we deal with as black women. For myself, it was hard for me to say, I am enough because of the pain that I was dealing with being in a toxic relationship. Those little words hold a lot of power. The emotional pain that I felt with being cheated on, and the emotional pain of not being valued brings us to, you know, dealing with that emotional pain. And why is it that you think we don't deal with that emotional pain, especially in a relationship?

SPEAKER_00 7:41

Because we don't understand the purpose of pain. Pain is designed to free us, it's designed to liberate us, if you will, it's designed to emancipate us, it's designed to promote us, to elevate us. But yet, because we don't understand the value of pain, we've run from pain. Yes. But what's interesting, when we finally confront the pain, when we finally address the pain, then we realize that you know what, there was purpose in my pain. My pain served as a purpose to elevate me, to provoke me, but the human brain is so defensive. We're conditioned to shun pain, to avoid pain, and to neglect pain simply because we don't want to confront it. And once we confront it and we deal with it, we're healthier and better on the other side, and we spend so much time running from our pain because we don't understand the value of pain. Recently I was teaching a class, and I told my class, I told my audience, I said, pain isn't your destination. Pain is the transportation that God is using for your elevation. Yes. God uses pain to elevate us, to promote us, and to take us to a different level and to free us, but yet we run from it, we shun it because we don't understand the purpose of pain. And it's not fun. No, through the process, we on the other side, we look back and say, you know what? I'm glad I went through it because now I'm at a whole different level. Exactly. That's when we started to at that moment, that's when we realized the value of pain and purpose in pain. There was a purpose to my pain.

SPEAKER_02 9:27

It's it's a purpose to the pain, and like you said, we value the pain. I value the pain that I went through. At that time, being in the toxic relationship, then the pain wasn't, like you said, it wasn't good, but it has brought me forward. I can only thing I can do is look back and be grateful for the pain because it could have been some other pain. But you know what I'm saying? The journey of what God allowed to happen to me has moved me better, it's moved me forward, it has freed me. Pain is a great teacher, and like you said, we move from it, but in relationships, we were talking and we were talking about emotional pain and dealing in relationships, how sometimes women in relationships don't want to deal with that emotional pain. They're scared to be alone, they don't want to let go of that man. Those are things too that we have to recognize why we won't get to the root of what the problem is, why we don't want to be free, why we don't want to be resolved. I mean, I understand pain can be self-inflicted. You know, it depends on your situation. It depends on if you don't you don't want to move. That's kind of what I'm trying to say.

SPEAKER_00 10:38

A lot of times we avoid pain simply because number one, we don't understand the value of pain, the purpose of pain. And then two, because we've self-sabotaged for so long our value, our importance, our worth, our significance, who we are. And if we don't understand who we are, we don't understand our value, our purpose, then we will stay in dysfunctional relationships and toxic relationships simply because that a lot of times with people, that's all we know. We do what's most common and we'll do what we know. If I have a pattern of being in toxic, unhealthy relationships, it's going to be extremely difficult for me to break that pattern.

SPEAKER_02 11:28

It is, until you want to be healthy. Also, I have to say, the problem is we believe we're not enough because we're giving our hearts and our time to someone that cannot value the love. When you're already devalued and you giving your time to someone that can't even value who you are, like you say, you stay in that in that bad relationship. The toxic relationship is not just you, it's both people. You don't realize the value that you are, and the person that you're in a relationship to probably don't even realize their value. So you got to devalue people. It's not going to be healthy.

SPEAKER_00 12:09

When I'm dealing with clients, I often ask my clients to uh enrolle play to ask me for a million dollars. And my clients will respond to me, Mr. Carrion, give me a million dollars. And my response to them is no. But then I clarify that. It's not that I don't want to give you a million dollars. I don't have a million dollars to give you. So how can I give you something I don't have? A lot of times we expect people to give us things internally, intrinsically, that they don't have to give. They don't have to give. And we expect a man who's extremely unhealthy to love us, to cherish us, to value us. A woman expects a man who is extremely dysfunctional to value her, to validate her, to honor her. How can he give you something that he can't even give himself? How can he give you something that he doesn't have to give? Right. And so the distance between expectation and reality is disappointment. A lot of women end up disappointed, rather, because their expectations are not mad. But how can that man give you something that he can't even give himself? But the but the most important thing in this in that scenario, if you will, is what are you doing with him? If he's dysfunctional, if he's unhealthy, what is that saying about you? And that's the real challenge, and that's the real question because it's easy to play the blame game, it's easy to project. But if I'm with this man who's emotional, emotionally unavailable and who's toxic, then that's a reflection of who I am.

SPEAKER_02 13:55

I learned this from I was a coworker. I used to say negative stuff about my marriage. Just negative, just comments. You know, you could just you when you're so used to doing something, you don't even, I don't even think you realize that the comment was negative. I remember her saying, you know, you need to speak healthy about your marriage. When you say something negative about this person, you with that person. So in terms, you're saying something negative about yourself because it reflects you. You picked, you, you chose this person, and that person chose you. Those comments reflect you. It reflects where your mind is, it reflects where you were at that time. We have to look at ourselves, especially if we want to know that we are enough. We got to look at ourselves and we have to peel back that onion and find out what's the root problem to heal, to get better.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

One of the greatest injustices that we do to ourselves, particularly when the relationship ends, we start to criticize the other person. Yes. We start to make harsh and negative comments about that person. And let me tell you the psychology behind that. We're doing that simply because we're trying to justify our pain. And we're trying to make it seem as though we're better than that individual. The people I work with here in Atlanta, I tell them all the time, I say, when you end a relationship or when the relationship ends, the worst thing you could do is to become critical of that person. What you need to do, my suggestion would be okay, if you see a lot of dysfunctional behavior in that person, start to explore why I was attracted to that person. Yes. What led me to that person? Why did I gravitate to that person? Yes. And then spend your time working on you. Because think about it, if if I'm criticizing my boyfriend or girlfriend or whomever, that's a waste of time.

SPEAKER_02 15:52

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 15:52

What I need to be doing and what I should be doing is spending my time. Okay, why if if this person was emotionally unavailable? Why do I consistently attract men who are emotionally unavailable? Why do I consistently attract women who are emotionally unavailable? What's going on with me internally that I consistently and constantly attracting a certain character? That should be a time of exploration, a time to self-investigate, to self-examinate, to really understand why I continue to find myself in these unhealthy situations.

SPEAKER_02 16:31

This is a point that was made. Mr. Haywood said it best today. He said, how you think will manifest it in your behavior. You have to adjust your thinking to change your behavior. And I was like, wow, it said, so is a person thinketh, so is he. It manifests out in your behavior. It manifests out in who you choose to be with, but you gotta change and adjust your thinking. And then you won't attract the same things. Like you say, the empty person, the person who is toxic themselves. And I want to make this quote also that my man Angelo said that you alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anyone. We need to know that, the black woman, just that you alone are enough. We have enough in us. We are very powerful. And we need to know that. And we need to carry ourselves like we are. What would you say are the benefits of confronting emotional pain? And I'm just gonna name a few that I might not have myself when I think about the black woman and how we're undervalued. I think if we show our true attributes, then we will shine. If we show we have compassion, loyalty, honesty, being kind, confidence, those are the benefits of confronting your emotional pain. But what do you think on that? What's your spin?

SPEAKER_00 18:03

I'm gonna answer your question this way. When you think of a prisoner or someone who's in prison, what do you think of?

SPEAKER_02 18:10

I think that's somebody who has committed a crime and that their time is due to them, that they're serving the time for whatever crime they committed.

SPEAKER_00 18:19

Typically, when we think of a prisoner, we think of someone in in prison behind bars, you know, no visitation or limited visitation and what have you. When I think of a prisoner, the first thing that comes to my mind are still bars. And about it's cage, right?

SPEAKER_02 18:38

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 18:39

That's typically the way we think of a prisoner, right? But not everyone who's in prison is in prison. Think about that for a moment. Not every prisoner, so to your point or question about confronting emotional pain, when we finally confront, when black women finally confront their emotional pain, they're freeing themselves from their emotional prison. They're liberating themselves. Because a lot of times, and I said all the time as a mental health professional, we have a lot of prisoners walking around, but they're free. Physically, they're free, but emotionally, mentally, they're in bondage, they're in prison. And you could tell that by their attitude, by their behavior, you could tell that they're in prison, if you will, by the way they communicate, their choices, their decisions, their responses. So when that woman finally starts to confront her pain, what is she doing? She's freeing herself from this emotional prison that perhaps she's done placed herself in, or others have placed her placed her in. And so the benefit of confronting her emotional pain is number one, she's freeing herself. She's liberating herself. Now she's getting to the essence of who she is, who she really is.

SPEAKER_02 20:03

And now she can show the attributes that we really convey, that we really have in us, but that has been devalued, that they don't want to see in us, or that they just tell us we we don't have. Men do the black woman like that also. It depends on what type of relationship you're in. If you're in a controlling relationship or an abusive relationship, it depends on that type of relationship that you're in that you can get devalued if you allow yourself to.

SPEAKER_00 20:33

Because a person can only do to me what I allow them to do. That's true. When I know my worth, when I know my value, and when I understand that I have purposes in this life, and this person's behavior doesn't complement me, it devalues me, and he he's constantly critical of me. If I choose to stand that, that's a reflection of how I feel about myself.

SPEAKER_02 20:57

Yes, right.

SPEAKER_00 20:58

That is so true. When a black woman really started to understand her value, her significance, it doesn't matter how society defines beauty. It doesn't matter how this man defines beauty, because I'm enough, she's enough within herself. She's enough within herself. And I made a point earlier that all behavior has meaning. Some of that aggression, some of that attitude, that hostility, that's indicative of the fact that she may not be and she's insecure because she really hasn't learned her value yet, her significance, her worth, and her purpose, and she responds aggressively when she finally realizes who she is. She doesn't allow this man to define her. She doesn't allow society standards of beauty to define her. Why? Because now she's liberated herself from that emotional prison that perhaps she's placed herself in, or someone else has placed her in. That is so true.

SPEAKER_02 21:57

I'm gonna ask you to give us some examples. Of a brokenhearted woman that God used.

SPEAKER_00 22:03

In the Bible, there are so many women that God chose, and we're thankful to God that He highlighted these women in His words simply because for the woman who's brokenhearted, for the woman who's struggling with her worth, her self-esteem, her value, you can go to scripture and read about women who dealt with some of the same issues that you're dealing with now. And in the Bible, Valencia, and I'm about to answer your question specifically, but in the Bible, there are women who competed with one another. There are women who were hurt simply because they were barren. They allowed their uterus to define them. Yeah. If you will. In Genesis chapter 39, you have two sisters, Leah and Rachel, who competed over a man. Yeah. You know, and so when you study the word of God, there are so many different examples of women dealing with some of the same issues that the black women are dealing with, is dealing with today. So to answer your question more pointly, in John 4, there was a woman we call the woman at the well.

SPEAKER_01 23:14

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 23:15

This woman had a pattern of dysfunctional relationships. As a matter of fact, she had been in five relationships. Jesus and his disciples, they were trapping, you know, but he specifically went to the city of Samaria. Now we look at Samaria contextually, Samaria was a place where the Jews just didn't go to simply because they thought they were better than the Samerians. This woman, she was a Samaritan, right? Jesus sent his disciples into town to get food. It was 12 o'clock during the day, scripture teaches. Extremely hot. Jesus sat by a well. This woman was at the well. What's so interesting is then a rabbi didn't talk to a woman in public, not even his daughter, not even his wife. It was a uh chauvinistic society. So Jesus is breaking all kinds of norms, but he's breaking norms for a purpose. He's talking to this woman in public. Eventually, he's going to address the core of this woman's issue. What was her issue? Her pattern of unhealthy relationships. So eventually, Jesus started to talk about relationships, right? Not in a condescending way, but he was asking her questions to trigger critical thought, to invoke critical thought, if you will. So Jesus responded to the woman by saying, You know what? The man you live with now isn't your husband, isn't your husband. Watch this. And then she says to Jesus, You must be a prophet. And then she went on to say that how one day the Messiah is coming. And Jesus said to this woman, I am the Messiah. Why is that significant? Why am I giving you so much background? It's extremely important. When Jesus said to this woman, I am the Messiah, that was the first time in biblical history that he said, I am God. But look who he chose to say that to a broken woman. A woman who society had who was considered an outcast, a known prostitute, if you will. A woman who had not only had devalued herself, but others had devalued her. A woman didn't know her worth, a woman who allowed herself to be abused and misused. Yes. But Jesus thought the best in her. The best in her. Jesus wanted to teach, he wanted to reach the city of Samaria with the gospel. But Jesus understood, I need help in doing this. Who better to use?

SPEAKER_01 25:54

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 25:54

Than a broken woman. Then a broken woman. After Jesus ministered to her, talked to her, never condemned her. Watch this. This woman went back into town and said, I met a man who told me everything about myself. Now others came and met Jesus. And the Bible says a lot of people believed in him because of the testimony of this woman. So he took this woman who was broken. He took this woman who was devalued and he done great things within her. Yes, he did. And there are so many different examples in scripture of Jesus taking not only broken women, but broken men, cleaning them up, mending them, and using them for his glory and for his honor.

SPEAKER_02 26:43

Yes, for great works. Exactly. Thank you so much, Trey, for that example. Because I think we have to look at something as being the example to know that it's not just you. It didn't just start now, you know, in this century. Thank you so much for that example. Lastly, I always like to leave my audience with some nuggets before I say what I have to say. Lastly, what would you say to that brokenhearted person to encourage him or her that is thinking that all hope is lost and they cannot imagine I am enough?

SPEAKER_00 27:19

With God, all things are possible. When we're at nothing, God is up to something. Oftentimes, God allows us to hit rock bottom. And when we finally at that point where we have no choice to turn to him, that's when God steps in and he does his greatest work. I want to illustrate that, if you will, if you allow me to. In Judges chapter six, there was a man named Gideon. And when you look at Gideon's life, his family's background, they were dealing with some very serious, intense consequences simply because of their disobedience to God. They went off and they uh worshiped idols, they neglected the commandments of God. They treated God extremely bad. They just neglected their spiritual responsibilities. They found themselves in a very dire situation. Their enemies were getting the best of them. They felt hopeless. They felt defeated. The children of Israel felt hopeless, they felt defeated, overwhelmed with just sorrow, with grief, just in a very, very painful situation. One day, at the blue, God appeared to Gideon and he said to Gideon, He said, I'm with you, Gideon. I'm going to use you to deliver your family and your children from the Midianites. Now, mind you, they were hurting and they had been hurting for seven years. And the first thing Gideon said is, Who am I? I'm the least in my family. Who am I? My family is the is the weakest clan. But not only am I weak, not only am I deplorable, if you will, my family, they are too. But notice who God chose to use, Gideon. And God said to him, even though Gideon felt weak, he felt hopeless, he felt defeated. God called him a mighty warrior. Wow. And God said to him, I'm gonna use you, I'm gonna use you. But mind you, before God appeared to Gideon, he was at his lowest moments. He felt defeated, felt like there was no hope. Hope. David, I was reading the scripture of the day in Psalms 116, I think it's verse 12, where David said, I was brought low, and then you helped me.

SPEAKER_02 29:33

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 29:33

And so oftentimes when we're at our lowest, when we're at nothing, God is up to something. So the person for the woman who's feeling hopeless, for the man who's feeling hopeless, you might just be what God needs you to be. Exactly. Because when we're at nothing, God is up to something. And God often steps in at that last moment and pulls us out. And he does that because at that particular time we have no choice to give him the glory.

SPEAKER_02 30:06

But surrender. That's right. That's right.

SPEAKER_00 30:08

But surrender and say to him, you know what, God, if it wasn't for your strength, for your power, for your sovereignty, I wouldn't be out of this situation. Exactly. Exactly. And I know we're getting ready to close. When you look at Gideon, watch this. In Judges 7, Gideon started off with 22,000 men. God said to Gideon, you have too many men. 22,000, you know, Gideon is getting ready to go to war. God said to him, You have too many men. He went out, reduced his army to 10,000. He came back to God. God said, You still have too many men. Wait, wait, wait. Are you serious, God? Yes. 22, now 10? And you still saying I have too many men? Gideon went back. He came back with 300. God said, Now you're ready. Why did God do that? He explains it to us. He said, Because when I deliver you, I don't want you to boast. I want to get the credit. Yes, right. So God reduced his army to 300, and he used those 300 Gideon and those 300 men to defeat other armies. But at the end of the day, he got the glory.

SPEAKER_02 31:20

He got the glory. That's right. And so, girl audience, we have to know that we are enough. And it does not take a whole army to be behind us if we all, if we give it all to God. That's the bottom line. It's been said by quote. There is nothing to prove and nothing to pretend. I am who I am. And it is enough. A quote by humbling over. So thank you today for joining the gurgle audience, the gurgle podcasts. I feel like we are now fulfilled in what we is supposed to be accomplishing as the black woman. I feel we are enough. I can say that with everything in me and feel confident in what I'm saying. This is a revolution. Thank you for joining the Girl Go podcast with your host, Lindsay Manny.