Differently: Stop living by default. Start living by design.
Differently is for when you need to get out of your head and back into your life.
Created and hosted by Carla Reeves, creator of The Differently Journal, her work is built on over 20 years of helping people use writing to navigate real life. Not as a habit to keep up with, but as a way to calm your mind, get clear, and move forward.
You are always writing your life, whether it’s in your mind or on paper.
It's time to take the pen back.
Turn overthinking and self doubt into clarity, confidence, creativity and momentum.
Do you ever feel like you're in a go, go, go crash cycle? Do you feel out of alignment and struggle to make change with how you spend your time? The real barrier to having more time might not be what you think it is.
In this episode, Kathy Decocq and I talk about getting to the root of that feeling of misalignment and how to change it. We know that checking the boxes to the next achievement can be addicting, but there is a better way and we are committed to showing you how. :)
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Thank you for listening!
SPEAKER_00
How much is your time really worth? We all have the same 24 hours a day. It's how you manage those hours that counts. If you're constantly battling the clock, you are going to love this conversation. Kathy Dico is back, and we've put together a simple series to get to the root on how you can sustainably shift the way you spend your precious time. Together, we bring a holistic approach, touching on the mindset, strategy, and action components that are so vital to true change. This is number two of four conversations. So if you didn't hear the first, you might go back. Where we will explore the real barriers to maximizing your time and what you can do differently to finally make traction on the things that matter most. Today, Kathy and I dig into how our identity and need for validation can drive the way we spend our time and take us way out of balance and what you can begin to do now to change the course. It's not too late. PS during next week's episode, we had an inspired idea and it involves you. We can't wait to share it with you. Be sure to tune in next week for a special announcement and exciting invitation. Here we go. And last time we landed on this idea of identity and how important it is when it comes to managing our time and our productivity, because often our identity and this need for identity and this attachment to kind of getting that next external validation fix, if you will, um, can often really be wreaking havoc on the way you manage your time and your day and everything. So hey, Kathy, I'm excited to be back. I am so excited to be here. Um you started to talk last time about um the identity sort of crisis that you had, and and I'll share mine too, but why don't you kind of take us back there? What what exactly happened and um how did you kind of break that cycle that was running your life at the time?
SPEAKER_01
Absolutely. Yeah, and so you know, if I think about it, if I you know, it's been several years now that this happened, but yeah, I was wearing kind of the the fact that I was working long hours several days a week, uh, weekends, nights, whatever, you know, like I was wearing that as a bit of a badge of honor to say, you know, like I don't know, almost like it wasn't so much woe is me, but like look at you know, this superhero that's you know burning the candle at both ends and still getting all this stuff done and you know, whatever, and you know, trying to be that superhero um at work. And um, you know, I didn't realize it at the time, of course. Looking back on it, it's very obvious, but uh, you know, at the time it was like people would would say things to me like we were in a virtual environment, so they're like, Oh, you're always online, and I'm like, Yeah, because I'm always working, you know, or you sent me an email at you know 10:30 last night, like what the heck? Like, well, it had to get done, Bob, or you know, whatever. So that you know, people would say things to me, and my reaction was defensive. It was like, yeah, but the stuff has to get done, nobody else is gonna do it, you know, and so those, you know, that that's kind of where I could see that I was trying, you know, to rationalize it in my own brain, like why I was doing what I was doing, um, and trying to look, you know, very dedicated, um very hard. Honoring the badge. Like, yeah, that's my badge, check it out, you know, and and uh what turned out was it was only me that cared about the badge. No one else in that environment. Um it didn't matter to them whether I got the email sent that night or the next morning or two days from then. I was putting all of that pressure on myself to I don't know, look appear hardworking. Part of it's a virtual environment problem. Part of it is, you know, I had a like a new boss at the time. There was a big global launch that was happening. Like there was a lot of things that kind of fed the perfect storm. But um, you know, what ended up happening was I just worked myself into illness. And you know, my boss was telling me, like, hey, you've got to take a day off. And my reaction was like, Well, then it's all you know gonna fall apart if I take a day off, can't do it. And you know, eventually my body said, nope, we're gonna take three months off. And so it was like, well, now all of those, uh, you know, that badge got put in the drawer because there was nobody to tell it to anymore, and I just had to focus on, you know, getting myself back to a level of health where I could even work again. So it got pretty crazy, and you know, looking back on it, like I put all that pressure on myself. And it wasn't like nobody was expecting it of me, it was just me doing it.
SPEAKER_00
Question for you Is there like I always like to ask my clients this, but I'm gonna ask you is like, is there a reason it made perfect sense that you did life that way for that period of time? Like given given your upbringing, yeah, you're nodding your head.
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I mean, it was super so so my my upbringing, my work ethic is all you know, very uh very hardworking, very uh want to be valued uh and recognized by you know for my contributions to to whatever it is that I'm doing. And so in my mind, I was you know kind of pulling that martyr card and you know, um justifying, rationalizing, however you want to think about it, that you know, this is just what had to get done.
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah. It makes such perfect sense because often it is driven by something in our past. I mean, for me too, that's how I learned, you know, working really hard, being really loyal, being really dependable, getting stuff done were all things that I learned at a very young age to that got me accolades, got me acceptance and approval, and those things I wanted. And it became almost like, you know, the next fix, almost like a drug addict, you know, like I needed that next accolade or external validation. And even as a grown adult, that was still running my life, you know. And until I I actually was working with a coach and he asked me to track my time. And at the time I was saying, I want to create, you know, I'm out to create this extraordinary marriage. And he's like, Yeah, why don't you track your time for a week? And I came back with my tail between my legs because I am a woman of integrity and I was totally out of integrity and did not know it. It was like a blind spot because my husband was getting the leftovers at best of my time. And so a lot of times we're out of alignment with what we say we want, but what we're actually doing. And I yeah, Kathy, your story is so powerful because your body was telling you, and I think as we move into um later about talking about takeaways from this and giving people takeaways, one is to listen and to your body, because our bodies will tell us when we're you know extending well beyond what um you know, what is healthy and well for us.
SPEAKER_01
Well, yeah, and mine was my last line of defense. Mine, you know, because and I I'm sure everybody listening has experienced this at one time or another. You get into a rhythm, you get into a habit of working from sun up to sundown, so then your body kind of adjusts to that, but it can only sustain it for so long. And that's what I'm hoping, you know, by sharing um my story, I'm hoping that folks listening pay attention earlier than I did, which is when my body was like, ah, we are finished. Because I mean, that's that's your last line of defense. If your body goes like everything, you have to stop. Uh, or you know, then it becomes very grave, which is, you know, like, guys, it's just work. Like, it's not just work, it's not worth it.
SPEAKER_00
And no, I loved what you said about no one cares. No one cares about it. No one cared.
SPEAKER_01
We put so much pressure on. I mean, they cared about me as a person, you know, they're like, oh my gosh, like this is not sustainable. Like they would tell me that stuff, but I'm like, yeah, whatever. They, you know, I I had just put all that pressure on myself for no reason.
SPEAKER_00
Yeah. And that's what our our need for identity, you know, can really do. And I think that um, you know, looking at at my pattern, it was like I would go, go, go, crash. And then I it would take me out for a few days, you know, that cycle, go, go, go, and then crash, because I wasn't taking care of myself along the way. And that's, I know that's what you teach your clients when you're working with them. And it's what I teach my clients too, is like, let's learn to cultivate our well-being along the way. And and I think one of the first steps is stepping away from, you know, are is your identity and need for identity and validation, sort of running the show here. And I think you talked about awareness being really the first key to that, right?
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, for me, it's it's always awareness, and it sounds a bit cliche, but like unless you're paying attention, unless you're tuned in and you know what's happening or you know what the cause and effect is, like you you don't have any impetus for change. You'll just be blind to it, like you had mentioned earlier, just having a blind spot because nobody had said, hey, write it down. And you're like, oh geez, like when you look at it, like then it becomes so obvious. Now you're aware, and that's really the first step to being able to make meaningful and long-standing change, is that you just have to know it's happening. And then I like to to um you know, coach my clients to look for their tells, look for their, I call them like little pink flags. So before you get a red flag, you just want like a tiny little pink flag to pay attention to so that then you know you know something less than ideal is about to happen, and you can interrupt it a little bit uh sooner than it gets all the way to red flag status. I don't know, how about you? Like when you are working with your clients, like how do you help them with this?
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I identity is you know an interesting topic because what I see have seen over the years is that a lot of times people are living to avoid, people are living to not fail, people are living to look good, have everything look good. And I certainly fell into this too. And so the first part of our work together is to kind of unpack that to say, you know, that may have been required at one time in your life. It may have made really good sense that you behaved that way and you learned to kind of survive your environment and and you know, feel worthy and as a human. But now we're grown adults and we get to, we have the opportunity to really look at the patterns and the things that are running us to say, hey, is this is this working? And I along with awareness, I think it's like, wait a minute, is is this working? Are we I was just writing something earlier today about, you know, are the the check boxes leading to the life we want to have? Is the next achievement, the next achievement, is it getting us where we really want to go and really want to feel? And I think awareness along with what do what do you really want? And is all of this busyness and doing leading you in that direction? And I think the answer to both of those, you know, questions or the inquiry into both of those things is going to give you some really good information to say, hey, I'm ready to make a change. And just for me, like, you know, a lot of times in my life, it was like, you know, I knew something wasn't working or wasn't right, and just saying, you know what, I know there's a different way. I want to do something different here. I know something better is possible was really the first step of the how appearing. I didn't know how that was gonna happen, but I knew I wanted to make it happen, and I think that's a great step too. Any final thoughts?
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, I I mean it's like, and I have a silly example for this, but it came up, you know, just in this past week where my, and I'm sure folks listening to like there there's some element of like just toe the line and just keep on going, like, and not paying attention to whether something's working for you or not, or or leading you to a desired outcome. So silly example, but I think it illustrates the point. Um, I got a new tablet because I need to have some you know mobility with my role, and I turn that thing on, and within two minutes, I'm like, oh, this interface, I can't handle it. And I was like, all right, I'll just learn how to do it. And then, you know, like 10 minutes later, I'm like muscle our way through it, right? Suffer through it. No, I'm returning it and I'm getting something else. I was like, So, you know, me five years ago would still have that tablet and still would be agonizing through learning a new operating system. When here last week, I'm like, oh, forget it, I'll just get something else. And I just took it back. So, like it's a silly example, but I think it illustrates what you're saying. Like the awareness to just say, I don't like this. And then the next step, I think, which is probably the harder step, but you know, that's that's what we're working here to do is to help people kind of work through this, is you know, give yourself permission to just be okay with not liking it. Like it's fine.
SPEAKER_00
I love that, Kathy. And I think that's gonna be a future session is just giving ourselves permission to kind of work within our own likes and our own rhythms and not have it look like what somebody else is doing. Um, but yeah, it's tying it back to just saying, you know what, this isn't working. And let me, you know, being aware that something isn't working and that you're ready to change, take that into your day today and just do an inquiry and see see where you lie um inside of that.
SPEAKER_01
Yeah, and I I like that, and I think finding small opportunities for that. Like, you know, are you gonna build Rome in a day? Are you gonna change your life in a day? Yeah, probably not. But, you know, like if you wanted orange juice and they brought you apple juice, like just ask them for the orange juice, you know, like a small thing like that can help snowball that that thinking and bring it to, you know, a more meaningful space than just what breakfast drink you're having. But like start small is what I like to do.
SPEAKER_00
Uh, it's a great suggestion. I I love starting small. I think small shifts lead to the big changes that we desire. And the the choices that we're making in in the little tiny moments of our life are the ones that ripple to the larger shift we want to create. So awesome. Absolutely. Thanks for being here, Kathy. You bet it's been fun, Carla. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Differently. I hope it stirred your thinking, and I invite you to take one inspired action. If you want to get back in the driver's seat of your time, your inspired action this week might be to sign up for Time Camp. Camp starts soon. There are limited spots available. Put a link in the show notes where you can find all the details. We're packing our bags and getting all of our gear ready for you. And we can't wait to see you at Time Camp.
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