The Josh Bolton Show

What to expect When having Expectations | Ben Winter

August 04, 2021
The Josh Bolton Show
What to expect When having Expectations | Ben Winter
Chapters
The Josh Bolton Show
What to expect When having Expectations | Ben Winter
Aug 04, 2021

Ben Winter is an Author (What to Expect when Having Expectations), Speaker, Actor, Improvist, Entrepreneur, Traveler, Father, and much much more. He loves to explore, yes, physical places around the world, but also he loves to explore the mind.
website
https://havingexpectations.com/media/

my linktr.ee
https://linktr.ee/JRBolton

Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/The_Josh_Bolton_Show)

Show Notes Transcript

Ben Winter is an Author (What to Expect when Having Expectations), Speaker, Actor, Improvist, Entrepreneur, Traveler, Father, and much much more. He loves to explore, yes, physical places around the world, but also he loves to explore the mind.
website
https://havingexpectations.com/media/

my linktr.ee
https://linktr.ee/JRBolton

Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/The_Josh_Bolton_Show)

Unknown:

Welcome to the Josh Bolton show where we dive interesting and inspiring conversations. And now your host, Josh Bolton. Welcome everybody. Today on the show we have been winter we're gonna talk about some team building tactics, his book, what to expect? What to expect. You have been you've a we're gonna go about how he came to epiphany of expectations and how to potentially deal with them. Here you go, Ben, take it away. Yeah, so the book is called what to expect when having expectations. And yeah, it's it's one of those interesting things where most people don't realize they had an expectation until it's going on met and they get upset about it. And that was kind of the the Epiphany part where you're, you just said, and I came to that realization that the only time I'm upset is when an expectation is being met. And it was cool, because I came up with this idea, but it didn't really solve any problems. And I was like, Well, you know, you can point out a problem all day long, but until you can solve it for people, that doesn't matter. So I sat down with the expectations I created from their flowchart. And I started at the top of the flowchart where it's like you're upset. And you know, the first question that I ask is, did you know you had the expectation. And a lot of times, people don't even know they had the expectation. And, and sometimes that's because, you know, maybe they were raised a certain way in that particular situation hadn't come up until they were at this point as an adult. And now all of a sudden, it's like staring them in the face. And they're like, Oh, I'm, like becoming a parent for the first time. Like, you don't know what your expectations are as a parent until you become one. And right. And then it's like, well, I sound like my mom, or I sound like my dad. And I said, I would never sound like them. But here we are, is adult sounding exactly like our parents? Because that's what we know. That's how we were raised. So. So yeah, I just kind of worked my way through this flowchart, and kind of found all the nooks and crannies. And and one question that always has to be asked is, is the expectation reasonable? Like I, I'm out there in the world driving around town, and and I just, I can't stand how people drive? Oh, yeah. I can't, I can't do it. But is it reasonable for me to expect them all to drive the same way? And absolutely not. You know, we all took the same driving tests, and we all had to pass them to get our license, but the interpretation and all of that sort of thing. Like it's just it's not. There's no way to have millions of drivers all kind of think the same way. It's impossible. It's hard enough to get 100 people to think the same way. Yeah, even 10. Right. So So yeah, it's like, immediately on my flowchart, when I get to, like in traffic, when I get to is my expectation reasonable? It's, I have to repeatedly tell myself, no, it's not. You can calm down now. So I went from being angry in traffic for the entire trip to 10 seconds here and there. And then I just, I caught them able to calm myself down because I've been practicing this for a while. Just checking. You're in California, right? I'm in Colorado, Denver, Colorado. Okay, so it feels like California, cuz so many Californians have moved here. But yeah, it's gonna be a lot of states where it's gonna be like, well, we weren't good until about 2020. Yeah, we've had, like, you drive around and you see California plates. You see Texas plates. You see Florida plates. And it's like, just people from all over the country have moved to Colorado. It's crazy. It's crazy. Yeah. There's a reason I was just asking because in California, like, no one uses their blinkers here. I don't know if that's the thing over there. Sometimes. Yeah. Okay. That's it's an issue. Yeah, but it's probably just California is just driving around like idiots. It's possible in the the crazy thing is like to pass your test. You have to do the prim and proper, like the like lights and everything. And then the funny part is I was when I got did my driver's license, got my license and all that and I'm driving home in my dad's Cadillac. DeVille. He's like, Alright, quick rule of thumb. Never use your license to hear like signals here. He just got your license. You don't use it. Quite. That's okay. I just went through this whole thing. And he's like, yeah, it's California. It's a sign of weakness. Don't do it. That explains a lot. Thanks for letting me in. The secret. Like, I don't use it until I'm about to make the lane change. Like I don't sit there and like turn it on and announced that I'm making the change. It's like, I'm coming over, here's my light proving it. And, you know, because otherwise people do they just close that gap. They're like, Nope, not letting you in, like, so I get it. I get why people are like, don't use it, just do it. Because otherwise they'll they'll take the space away. But that's, that's not how it's supposed to work is not. So give me a basic foundation of what you learned, like, the different expectations in your flowchart, because I don't have it in front of me to look at. So. Yeah, no, kind of visualize it. Yeah, so it works for any expectation. So, you know, we'll get upset at something stupid like traffic, but we'll also get upset at like, a loved one who's not doing what we asked them to do. One example that I put in the book, which I think everybody can probably understand, is, you know, wife's cooking dinner and the guys watching sports ball. And she's like, honey, take out the trash, right? That's a simple request, you know, if anybody that's been in a relationship long enough, they've had something similar. And, you know, he's, he says, okay, from the other room, but then he doesn't do anything. You know, and as time goes on, she just gets more and more upset that he's not doing it, when he has every intention of doing it. The problem there is that neither one of them was, you know, Cognizant enough to actually like, ask questions, or provide more details and really set those expectations and get buy in. You know, she could have said, Hey, honey, can you take the trash out right now? I just put fish heads in there, because I'm making dinner and our guests are coming over. And I don't want the house to smell right. You know, then Bz get up for that one. Exactly. She's specifying why now. She's specifying the win. And you know, the whole situation. So it's, it's very obvious. And he could have said, Yeah, I'll get that in about two minutes when this happens over Yeah, commercial or something. You know, and that's, that's called communication. That's called negotiation. That's, that's what we should be doing in the world. But instead, you know, she's sitting there getting pissed off that he's not doing it yet. And he's gonna wait till the end of the game or halftime or whatever it might be. And, you know, I'm not letting the guy off the hook in any way, shape, or form, because you get to said, hey, can it wait until after the game, you know, he could have asked questions. And, again, started that whole process of communicating. And so you know, an expectations, sometimes we'll have him on ourselves, and say, I'm expecting myself to go to the gym every day, this week, and then you don't go the next day, and you're like, I suck, I don't go to the gym, you know, right. We get upset at ourselves and the expectations we set on ourselves. And, you know, it goes back to one of the questions, you know, did, is it a reasonable expectation? And, you know, something like the gym, if you've never gone to the gym, how can you expect to go every day of the week? You know, maybe it's like, I'm gonna go to the gym for the first time. Because I've never been, and that's a good starting point. Or I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to the gym tomorrow, or I'm going to go to the gym, Thursday, whatever it might be. That's a great way to start. You know, a lot of people they put on themselves, like, I want to be a millionaire. Like, okay, sweet, do it. But don't expect that to happen tomorrow, if the most you've ever made in a year is $50,000. Right, right. So you know, you can't go from 50,000 a year to a million dollars a year. Unless, I mean, you. There are people that do it. I'm not saying it before, but it's really hard. Yeah, most people have to work their way up, they have to create more and do more overtime. And you know, business owners are one of those prime examples, I'm gonna open a business, I'm gonna turn on my web site, and I'm going to be a millionaire. Whoo. Except nobody knows you exist. So you're not going to be a millionaire deal with it. You know, it takes some business owners 1015 years to get to that point. 20 years? Yeah. So I've never reach it. But you know, you have to, you have to look at where you are and decide, is it reasonable for me to set an expectation or a goal or something? That's, it's got to be somewhat reasonable. And then when you don't get it, you can add, you can take that step back? Well, you know, was it reasonable? it like truly, you know, feel it out, look at it, dissect it, you know, was it was it something that I could have achieved? And then maybe there's some other expectation that was in the way that why you didn't actually get there. So but a lot of times, you know, people they'll get upset with a co worker or a family member, because they're not doing what you asked them to do. But did you ask them to do it? You know, a lot of people get frustrated on how somebody does something as opposed to it Asking, you know, like, Hey, can you take out the trash? Well, in that scenario they want to they or she wanted him to do it right then and there. And maybe she wanted him to tie it with a really tight knot so that you know, air can escape or I don't know, whatever, right? You know, you show up at work and you do the job that's requested. But then your boss is like, Well, you didn't do it, right? Because you because you know, you didn't do it, how I would do it. So you didn't do it right. But did they actually explain? Not only do I want you to do this project, but this is how I want you to do this project. You know, was that shared? And is it reasonable? Is it even necessary to do it the same way every time? Because as long as the works getting done? Does it matter? And, you know, so there's so many world, so many scenarios, so many expectations in the day. And most of the time, we don't even realize we had the expectation, you know, we wake up in the morning, the electricity is on the refrigerators running, we have coffee that we can make. When all that goes as planned, we don't think twice about it. But if you wake up and the alarm clock didn't go off, you're like freaking out, like, oh, why didn't the alarm clock go off? Or why is the refrigerator not working? You know, that's when we get upset because we had the expectation that was just going to happen. So, you know, it's, it's, it's impossible not to have expectations, and anybody that says otherwise. You know, they're like, I just don't have expectations. Well, it's impossible. Well, guess what? choosing not to have expectations is an expectation. So if you have one Sorry, it's it's impossible not to. So yeah, that's, that's just kind of how we are. In general, how we've always survived. We have expectations, like, back in our primitive time, when we were hunter gatherers, we expected to find a deer If not, well, we were upset, but we didn't. They didn't hopefully didn't ruin their, like, complete day kind of thing. But it's just like there's always tomorrow. Yeah, yeah. They're just like, well, if we didn't find it today, we gotta find one tomorrow. Otherwise, we starve to death. Pretty much. Yeah. There's no one's gonna get upset about it. Yeah, it goes. But that's, that's funny. So I, with my martial arts studio, there's a when we were transitioning between two stores. This one guy who was married to his wife 68 years. Nice. And we all were like, okay, what's the secret? Like? What's the key to having a successful happy marriage? And he's like, would you like one or two sentences? Like, just smiles, picks up a sandwich bites it with a little gleam in his eye and said, lower your expectations? We all just write? What doesn't even make sense. Oh, really? How wait. And it was super funny. His daughter was like teaching me a class. And she's just a Paul, cuz he's the he's thinking like, she's thinking he's like, Oh, good, bad or ugly. Like you got to lower your expectations for a woman. Then later on. She told me like, Oh, I get what he meant. Just don't expect things to happen instantly. You don't this that I'm like, as a young kid, I'm like, Wow, he probably dropped the biggest knowledge bomb right there. And we're all too dumb to figure it out. I think the wording there is kind of misleading, because people think like, lower your expectations means wanting less, maybe where it's more of make your expectations more reasonable. Right? I think that's probably the better explanation to that is, you know, you don't want to be in that relationship, expecting them to read your mind and do everything you ask them to do. It's like, Okay, let me reel it back and say, we're going to set expectations of each other, but we're gonna discuss them and come to an agreement, as opposed to imposing our expectations on others, right? Like, that's the big keys, like, yeah, you're gonna have expectations, but the other person's gonna have expectations and somewhere they're gonna meet. And the times that they don't, those are what we call deal breakers. And that's usually a relationship ending thing. But yeah, I don't like the terminology, lower expectations. I think it's more just, I think making them more reasonable fuss. Yeah, I mean, but it's still valid, because you got to be able to work with each other. But yeah, it was just I think it was sent two sentences or less kind of thing. So you just like make a real short. That's awesome. Yeah. So can we go through a couple of lists of the different expectations and the calibers that your chart would have? I'm gonna have to buy your book, just see that chart. Well, I can hold it up on the screen for Perfect. So, so there, there it is, uh, you know, there's, there's nothing specific, like, category wise of expectations, you know, it's, it's kind of one of those applies to all expectations, and you just kind of have to go through it and say, you know, you know, after most expectations that go in met, I don't think we realize we had them until that point in time. And so, you know, like the, you know, did you know, you had the expectation No, right there, you can just start exploring your expectation and, and kind of decide, as something I want my life, you know, maybe my parents instilled in me, like, being a perfectionist, like, I grew up in a household where it was like, everything has to be, you know, in order has to be cleaned up before, you know, it's got to be perfect. And, unfortunately, in real life, that this doesn't work, it's, it's stressful. Yes, it's stressful, it's a pain in the butt. And most people just don't care. Right? It's like, so when I'm moving through life, and there's an expectation, and it's not exactly as it's supposed to be, I get to check in and say, is that my perfectionism coming through? And do I want it to be there? Am I okay, letting it go? And oftentimes, that question right there, and the exploration of it will take us away from that moment of being upset, and just kind of put it in a neutral for a while, while we while we explore it. You know, and sometimes, you know, once you have that expectation, the question like, if you didn't even know, you had the expectation, then the next question is, have you shared that expectation? is automatically a no, because if you didn't know you had it, you couldn't have shared it. consciously, at least, yeah. If you did know about the expectation, and you didn't share it with those involved, then there's no way you can get upset with them. They can't read your mind. Right? Like, it's just, that's where it goes to this is completely unreasonable, like you have to. And a lot of times, we just don't want to share because of our fears. You know, and that's another expectation, you know, if I share this, they're going to not like me, if I share this, they're going to leave, if I share my expectation, they're gonna get mad at me, whatever it might be. There's so many reasons that we don't share our expectations. And, and most of them, it's just fear. But on the other side of that is, what if I share the expectation and the relationship gets better? What if I share this expectation? And they do what I asked, What if I share this expectation, and everything just works better? You know, there's the opposite of the fear of like, amazing stuff can happen. I was actually just talking to a friend about dating and sex and all this other stuff. And it's like, there's so many expectations around sex, and relationships. But do we share it? Yeah. And some of them are super unrealistic to, some of them are, but some of them are not. And some of them, were so afraid to tell our partner like, Hey, this is what I like, or I don't like that, or whatever it might be. It's having this conversation of like, setting those expectations, and then all of a sudden, the sex is better, because your shirt. Right? What I mean, who doesn't want a better sex life? You know, there's so many books and, and sex therapists and all this other thing, this is specifically what they talk about. You know, so many so many people want to try different things, but they're so afraid to say anything, because they don't want it to be one of those relationship ending moments in time. So you know, it's, it's a legitimate question. Have you shared that expectation and, and that was one of the main reasons I had to write the book after doing this flowchart is to talk about those fears to talk about why people are afraid to share what's on their mind, and, and go through all those things. So every time there was a no on here, I was like, there's depth, I've got it. I've got to write it out. I got to share the information so people can work through it. That's interesting. So I was alluding to it but then you said it was the fear part. So what aspect of fear did you figure out with expectations? Fear is an expectation. It's because think of any fear, like, Okay, I'm jumping out of an airplane. What's the fear? The fear is the parachute doesn't open and I die. Right? So you're expecting at some level for everything to go into shit. And you're you're going to this is the last time you're going to be alive and breathing and or you're going to land or break a leg. You know, there's there's tons of things that you might fear about jumping out of an airplane. But that That's sort of like setting an expectation of what's going to happen in a negative sense. Whereas more than likely, you're thinking, Okay, this is gonna be a thrill, this can be fun, my jump out of the plane and parachutes gonna, I'm gonna be breathing heavily. And at the end, I'm gonna be screaming, woohoo, and all that good stuff. So we have both sides of it, there's the fear and the excitement. Same thing with like, the relationship thing. If I share my expectations about what I want in the bedroom, and, you know, maybe they're gonna leave me. I don't want them to leave me. So maybe if I just don't share it, then I don't have to worry about that. But the other side of that is, maybe you share it and everything gets better. So one of the things that I've noticed in my life is that 99.99% of all worries that I've ever had about the future have never come true. Yeah, like the statistic there's like, Well, why bother worrying about the future if it never comes true? Yeah, or it's like you're fixated on that 0.00001% chance of happening, which is like, a cat. Yeah, but for some reason the mind fixates on it. That's, that's a reason one for me, I realized that, like, whatever I'm scared about, it's like, it's nothing. It's like a sand in the frickin desert, you know, even bother, kind of thing. I think of people that are doing like, They're so afraid of public speaking, they're afraid of going up on stage, what's the fear? You know, and all the fears that you can think of, of standing up on stage and being in front of a room. Those are all possible expectations of the future. possible outcomes. But what if none of them happened? What was the but there's also what you're not taking series and it may be that one speech start you on a whole different path in a good way. Exactly. You're too scared of a wanting to look like an idiot spilled coffee on myself. superhuman shit happens. Yeah, spill. You know what that's, and that's where my improv background kicks in. I'm like, Hey, everyone, guess what you are saying spilled coffee. I haven't bring a change of clothes. But I still have to do this speech. So take a look. Get it out of your minds, and let's move forward. Like, you address it. It's done. Like, nobody cares. If you do. And that's the biggest one. Going on expectations and fears. I never realized how much people don't care about you. They only care about themselves. So true. It's like it's one of those he hit me hard at a certain point, especially where I work as a like a night shift janitor for a grocery store, especially with the 2020 like grocery store buyouts stuff. I realized at a certain point, like I totally forgot, I was just nighttime, we can pretty much wherever we want by like the store opening. We're like leaving like Dracula, we're just shrinking out of the store to our car. But we had to work longer. And it was like, I didn't have proper clothes. I like had a Metallica shirt on I had like scary. Like a mask on because that's when they had us. No one cared. And that's when I realized I'm like, unless you directly affect them. But even that they don't care. Like you. Literally people don't give a shit. And that was because that was a big fear for me. Or expectation for you is like, Oh, I will never make people happy like this. And then I realized you can't make everyone happy. It's impossible. Just make yourself happy in the few around you happy? And that's more realistic. Yeah. And especially in today's day and age people there. They're out there. They're concerned about how they look. They're concerned about how they're acting. Yeah, there's people with their their video cameras taping like, the Karen's of the world so they can put it on YouTube. But it's even then, like, I've probably seen a bunch of these videos and I can't recall who these people are. And I don't really care like right. Nobody cares. interesting situation kind of thing is like yeah, that's cool, but it's like bad on me and I don't care. Yeah. And now I'm gonna go on with my day. I'm gonna do what I was gonna do anyway. And yeah, it's it there's so much out there where people just they just don't care about anything except what's happening to them in their life. And so if you can take yourself out of that equation of like, I don't need to impress the other people around me. Right? Because I'm making me happy then. You know, it doesn't matter. It really doesn't. And that's a big one probably people are sitting there going like writing down like oh my god just don't give a shit. It's like Well, yeah, you don't want to be a total idiot kind of thing, but it's just one of those. Well, here's the reason I wanted to start to show God like four years ago, but I was scared of the like air quote Twitter mobs back in like the early 2017 2018 when they were just taking podcasters, down, left and right, and I was scared and I never did, my expectation is they're going to come in, they're going to counsel me Take me away from my job security and income. And then now I'm like, God dammit, please like castle me free PR. Right? Yeah, I'd be lucky to be, you know, successful enough where people are coming after us. Right? Like, that's, that's kind of like the new measure of success. How many haters do I have? Right? How? How many are literally starting a Facebook group and saying screw Josh. It's like, yes. Continue that, making it? Well, yeah. But you know, at the same time, they're the people who do care are the people who are closest to us, or family members or loved ones. You know, I personally don't want to hang out with people who are assholes to other people. So from that standpoint, I do care. That like my friend is being a nice person as a kind person. But this, this random person walking down the street dressed in clothes that I would never wear, like, I don't care. That's, that's what they want to wear. You know, like that person's loving who they want to love. I don't care. Like it's it does not affect me. Right, right. So it doesn't directly affect me. So I don't mind. Let them be them. Yeah, I mean, I, I mean, I'll be honest, I dated somebody who wants and we went to a club with her best friend who happened to be gay, and it was his birthday. And so of course, we were at a gay club. Right? I went to the bathroom and I was hit on on the way. It doesn't it like it's not like he's pulling down my pants on my way to the bathroom. Like it's not a plus, I cannot I honestly I took it as a compliment. Because I'm like, Okay, if a gay man thinks I'm cute, like, that's the same as a woman saying I'm cute in my world. Right? So like, sweet. I got hit on on the way to the bathroom. But you know, I went to the bathroom. I went back to my girl. And that was that, you know, but it's so many people would freak out on that said something like, Oh, no, no, I You can't. But first of all, they wouldn't put themselves in the situation. Right, be there. But again, like, Who cares? Yeah. That guy was at a gay club. He probably thought I was gay. Like, yeah, it's a natural thought. Right here. It's like 99% chance you're gay. So it's like a Yeah. So, you know, maybe later he saw me like, with my lady and whatever. Who cares? Right? He doesn't care? No. Is it all? Wrong one? All right. Next one? Yeah. Oh, I'll get the next guy who walks by? I don't know. So I think I think some people care too much about what other people are doing. And that causes problems. And then. So most people, they just don't care what you're doing. They, as long as you're not hurting others, nobody cares. It's it's like the 510 percent out there that are caring too much for the rest of us. And it's, it's because they're trying to avoid their own lives. They're not happy with their own lives. So they're trying to take it out on others. Do you think that's a expectation too high for themselves, they know they can achieve so then they take it out on others because they can achieve it? To some extent, absolutely. Right, it comes back to most likely, it's a subconscious thing. And it probably goes back to how they were raised, where you're never going to be good enough, like you're not smart enough, like whatever was told to them when they were kids, you're never gonna amount to anything, you're you suck, you're stupid, you know, whatever it might be, they're gonna grow up thinking those things on a subconscious level. So when they're out in the world, and they're not successful, but they think they should be whatever that looks like to them. Because when they were kids, it was taken that, you know, their parents, lack of success was taken out on the kid, they're now taking it out on others as an adult. They're not thinking about it. It's just, that's what's happening. And there's so many scenarios. But that's typically what's going to happen is they're, they're just sort of lashing out at others, because they're not happy with their own lives. They're not, they're expecting more of themselves, and they're not getting it for some reason. And maybe it's society saying you should be more You should be happy. You should have the house with the picket fence and the two dogs and the two and a half kids or whatever it might be. Whatever the American Dream is, it's it's one of those things where we put so much pressure on ourselves because we watch reality TV because we watch regular TV because we have social media. We compare ourselves to others and then when we don't have what we think we should A lot. Unfortunately, a lot of what's been taught in this world is a victim mentality, which is it's your fault, not mine. Yeah, you're the reason I'm not successful, not me. And unfortunately, we need to unlearn that and say, I'm not successful because I didn't do what I needed to do to be successful. had nothing to do with you. You know, if if, you know if I write this book, and it doesn't sell to anybody, I don't have nobody to blame but myself for not getting the word out and marketing and, you know, doing things like podcasts interviews, to say like, hey, maybe this book will help you in your world? Who knows. But if I go through life, and I don't sell any books, that's on me, that's not on the rest of the world. I didn't do what I needed to do. You know, did I submit it to like every book house out there and say, You guys should probably like, buy this book and sell it for me and make me rich? Like, no, I haven't done it. It's self published. It's out there on Amazon. that's out there in the world. Whatever. I turn around, obviously, just real quick. Are you on board? It's Noble. ebook. Yeah. Good. Yeah. So it's, it's all out there. It's, it's just one of those things where so many people are like, I don't have success because you screwed my life over. No, no, sorry. That's not how it works. That's that okay. I don't think he would mind me talking about him. If anything, he just said to listen to this episode and complain more. There's a guy we'll call him john Snyder's name, we'll call him john complains about everything in his life, with total victim mentality. And he's like, Oh, I was forced to come to work. And like, dude, we're in California, it's an at will state. If you want to stay home and not call, they can't hold that over your head kind of thing. Like, No one forced you to do anything here. Even though they did. I'm like, Yeah, they came to your house, put a gun to your head. And so get in the car like, yeah, that's, that's what I told him like, yeah, so they just had a personal team come out, kidnap you, force you to drive your own car. Got anything? And he's like, yeah, oh, no, no, they didn't. I'm like, Yeah, see, I'm like, see, you're just blaming others for your problems. I'm like, so I just told him like, jokingly, because he complains, how he can't drink on the job anymore. Because he's like, back in the 90s. I used to do that, like, Dude, that was like, 30 years ago. A lot has happened in 30 years. Good. I think the thing now to see and, and the interesting thing, and what people need to realize is that the people who complain they do get something out of it, they get attention, right? From some people, they get compassion. And if they didn't get compassion in a different way, and that's the only way they get compassion and somebody caring about them. Then it feeds what feeds them what they want. They're like, I want attention. I want compassion. And the only way I know how to get it is to complain about life. until somebody says, you know, that's bullshit, dude. He knows not to complain around me. Because I, he talks very loud, you can hear him halfway across the building is one of those. I have a very good voice and yelling, so shut up. Yeah. So and those are the types of people where they learn, you know, who they can talk to, and complain to and get what they want? You know, I've got I've got a family members there, they won't tell me about their issues, because I'm like, Okay, what are you doing about it? Like, I don't let them sit in it. I don't let them wallow and like, do something with it. Right? make a change. And so yeah, it's like that's a setting boundaries, which is setting an expectation for the other person, like, Look, I don't want you to complain to me, because you're not doing anything about it. When you complain. If you want to complain and do something about it. Okay, well, maybe I'll listen. I'll help you out. But if you're just gonna complain for the sake of getting attention, go find it elsewhere, man. Right. Yeah, that's just the moral of the story for me. It was just one of those. Like, dude, well, that's why I was jokingly saying the time fair for him because he'll come he'll talk for like, 30 minutes straight. And I it's funny, he'll follow me around like a puppy. But I'm working away I'm like, do you hear my supervisor and you're like, you're all over the cameras are watching you talk to me. I'm sleeping. Just doing nothing. Avoid if you're gonna complain, like if we're, if I'm helping on the same aisle, then yeah, go for it. But like put stuff on the shelf. But Mike, you're doing nothing. You're not helping the company? Yeah, it's like maybe I should have your job buddy. Follow me around. That's nice. Oh my shit. I should just be a supervisor, then I'll just sit, stand around and be like my legs. You work for me? I think John's gonna hit you with the broom and I say, hit me with a couple ropes. He's on vacation this week, you'll probably be nice. Yeah, he's on vacation. So you'll be, he'll be happy for about three days. fourth day done is gone. Yeah, it wears off. Real quick. Yes. Good times, it is. So and tell me more about your book. Stick with the topics I didn't cover in my questioning. So I mean, we've kind of covered it, because what I what I talked about in the book really comes down to why we have expectations where they come from, and, and really just dealing with them as they come up. And, you know, we live in a world where everybody's like, stop getting upset, don't get upset, chill out, you know, everybody wants everybody to be calm and, and relaxed. And, you know, to chill. And I, I'm kind of the opposite of saying like, you know, it's okay to get upset. Don't be like, john, and stay there. But you can use those moments in time of getting upset as a trigger point to do something different. Because if you know now, that that point in time of getting upset is an expectation going on met, then you can kind of do like the flowchart in a mental state. Or you can bust out the flow chart and say, oh, here, here's where I am. You just uncovered an expectation you probably didn't know you had. And then you get to grow from it. if you so choose. You know, if you're upset, every day all the time, that's a lot of expectations to go through. But you might start realizing like, Oh, I am in charge of my life. And I'm not doing what I need to do to get what I want. So I can't really be upset at anyone else anymore. And now I have to figure out who I am. Oh, no. Oh, God, that hurts. I have to work. Yeah. But uh, but yes, that's mostly what the books about where where our expectations come from, why we have them and what to do with them when they they start going array. That's wonderful. So then I like to cut it there to go now questions for you. And then where everyone can contact you. Other than work, what have you been doing during this lockdown time of COVID? To keep yourself Actually, yeah, so I actually started writing my own sci fi novel, because I'm a sci fi fan. And started exploring the idea and playing with, you know, what do I want to write about? And then I was driving down the road, and I saw a tree and I was like, I wonder if wormholes are like trees where there's just branches going every which way and like, and then what if you took a wrong turn once? Oh, I'm gonna write the book the wrong turn. And it's in space. And wormholes. So, so I'm in the process of writing that I think I'm probably a third of the way through, maybe half. It's an ongoing process. I have no idea how far along well, whenever you get that done, definitely come back on. Let's talk about that. I love wormholes and theories like that. Yeah. So it's, it's a, it's, I've been told, but because I created a writers group of several sci fi, wannabe authors, where we're supporting each other and getting, you know, kind of accountability and moving forward and keeping on track. And so far, the group says, it's really fun to read. It's, it's captivating, and there's humor in there, and all that good stuff. So that's good. That's good. Yeah. Um, so other than that, and pretty much our whole chat. What are some advice or tips and tricks for someone aspiring to be like you, a writer, a coach kind of thing? What are some, like, basic steps or how tos for them? I would just say, start writing down ideas, start writing down things you want in the book. The more things you write down, the more you'll start seeing the pieces of the puzzle. And then you can start putting them together. It's like, don't just if you want to write something, start, just start somewhere, do something, don't let it die with you. And one of the best questions I was ever asked is like, you know, something along the lines of if you died tomorrow, like what would your legacy be? Or would you have any regrets and I can honestly say, I've written some books, I've gotten thoughts and ideas out of my head and into the world. If I died tomorrow, those books will be there forever. They will live on whether they're ever seen, even if it's seen by one person. 100 years from now. That's pretty Awesome that my words will be there for somebody down the road. And so everybody's got a story. Everybody's got a book, just write it. Just do it. I get with the self publishing off options today. There's no excuse anymore. Just do not. The gatekeepers are not as strong as they used to be. Yeah, I mean, I could, I could put 100 page book together with one word on each page and publish it. Like that's, that's how easy it is to publish a book these days. Like, nobody cares. Nobody would buy that book. But you know what I was, that'd be a 99 cent book and Bradley after two purchases, Amazon's gonna be like, he know. Yeah. It's zero stars on two purchases, whatever. 75 cents review. Yeah. But yeah, that's my, that's my thing is just just start writing down ideas. Because just writing down ideas will open the floodgates and allow you to, to get the bigger ideas out and start writing things. It's got to go from there. Perfect. So then where Can everyone contact you? And like basic links and stuff like that? Yeah, the easiest would be go to the easiest would be to go to having expectations calm, okay. from having expectations, calm, you can find links to the book, you can download that flowchart for free. Find all kinds of information there. Perfect. And I have automated email, pick that up and put it in the show notes. Everyone get that? Cool. Wonderful. Thank you, Ben. It's been an absolute honor and a pleasure. Likewise, thanks for having me on. Thank you.