Allison: 0:01

Hello homemakers and welcome to The Art of home podcast where we are exploring how homemakers cultivate a place to belong. I am your host Allison weeks. I'm a wife, a mom to four grown kids, grandmother to one baby boy due to arrive this fall. And I have been practicing the art of home for 30 years. If you are new here, welcome to the podcast. I pray that you will be inspired and encouraged to practice homemaking with confidence and joy, knowing that your labors are not in vain. Even though it might feel that way. Sometimes, the work you're doing in the home is so important because it helps to shape the hearts and the minds of all who enter there. It says to the world spinning out of control that place matters. And the kind of place that we cultivate for ourselves and our people to dwell in has the power to draw us closer to the presence of God. If we let it homemaking can develop in us an awareness of beauty and purpose in very ordinary everyday moments. While it may not feel like every moment is holy, we can certainly ask God to show us glimpses throughout the day of the sacredness of this calling. Each season of The Art of home we bring you several homemaker portraits. These are stories of home from women in all ages and stages of homemaking. In addition to these great interviews, I like to do a deep dive each season into a subject related to the keeping of the home. In the past, we have done a deep dive into organization and into sewing. This season, we are diving deep into something that is a bit less tangible, but no less valuable and necessary. We are going to talk about words in the home. I've asked my friend Karen Shepherd, who you might remember from season one, when I interviewed her about her story of building a home with her husband of 50 years. I knew Karen would be a good partner for this discussion about words in the home because she is a writer, a reader, a journaler and a lover of words. You may be wondering what in the world are we going to talk about for two episodes about words in the home? And what does this have to do with homemaking. Stick with us I promise it will be worth your time. First, we are going to lay some groundwork about why words are important in the home. Then we're going to explore what we're calling the cycle of words. That is words we take in. Words we hold on to and words we pour out. Much of today's episode will focus on words we hold on to because the words we tell ourselves whether truth or lies will shape us and determine the words that come out of us. And therefore it is very important what kind of words we bring into the culture of our home. We are going to cover some really abstract concepts here. But we are also going to give you some very practical applications and ideas to implement. There's a lot of ground to cover. So without further ado, let's get into our deep dive discussion on the power and importance of words in the home. Welcome everybody to the art of home a deep dive on words in the home. Now, you might be asking yourself, why are we talking about words? The reason we're talking about words is because words are powerful. Words are important. They have weight and impact on our hearts and our minds and our thoughts and everything that we do. And words in the home have lots of consequences and impacts. And we're going to get into all of that later on. But I had the idea for the topic from a chapter out of the classic homemakers book the hidden art of homemaking by Edith Schaeffer. She goes more into written word, and actual writing down prose and poetry and letters and things like that. We're today going to discuss not just the written word, but the spoken word, the words that we take in the words we pour out. And we're going to give it a fresh 21st century spin in our discussion today. And I have joining me my friend Karen Shepherd, whom you would remember from one of our very first seasons on the art of home where I talked with her about her story of home. And Karen has been making a home with her husband, Greg, for oh, how many years now? Karen? Oh, 5050 years celebrated 50 Congratulations. They have five children. They have 14 grandchildren. And Karen is a lover of words. She is a writer. She's a blogger. She's a journaler. She's a memoir maker, and a storyteller. So I knew that she would be a great discussion partner for this topic and how we use words in the home. So Karen, why don't you give us a little bit of your history with words when did work. It's become important to you.

Karen: 5:02

Well, according to my baby book, I started vocalizing syllables at four and a half months, at five months, I spoke my first word, which was Dad. And then at nine months, I added Papa and Mama. From an early age, I just remember words fascinated me. And I think I talked a lot. I remember, my parents had mentioned several times that I was a talker. And I loved reading, I loved writing letters, making lists, composing poems, keeping diaries. When I was in first and second grade, I actually was entered into this got a spot in the URL storytelling contest. And, and that was really fun. In first grade, I'm up on a stage you know, they tell you a story, you get up and you tell a story back to this audience. And so kind of started early there. Yeah, and I don't remember being that nervous then now I'm, I would get nervous. And I wasn't. And then I remember the first thing that I started reading was the Bible. And I just delighted in reading Bible words, I don't know there was just something about Bible words that just and I loved memorizing verses, and I remember my uncle would come over and we'd be sitting at the kitchen table, and my mom would say, you need to read read out of the Bible, show him how you can read. And I would read verses out of the Bible, and everybody would clap. And I also had a fascination with languages. I think I got that from my dad. He went, when I was about an eighth grade, there was a Greek class at church. And we, he asked me if I wanted to go with him, and I was the only kid there. But I loved that class. We did it for about six months, every week. And it was just a time to be with my dad to was wonderful. And then music, I loved music, music lyrics on my 45 RPM records. that dates me that, you know, groups like the Bee Gees, and Bobby Goldsboro, and all those no sad songs, I remember just listening, laying in my bed and listening to those songs and just crying, you know, they would just bring out all these emotions, that these songs would just bring motions. And then it was songs like been been been by the Beach Boys, and you know, and so, and I guess back then I didn't, there weren't too many recordings of like hymns and things like that. So unfortunately, you know, I listened mostly to secular music, which I kind of regret that. And I think really, back in that time, I just kind of some of the words I didn't, some of the words weren't so great. I didn't think about the word so much when it was like that, you know, when the songs were like that. So. But that was pretty much kind of how I got started with words and diaries. I loved writing diaries, and, and, you know, just recording things and reading and just everything had to do with words

Allison: 8:16

I loved. It sounds like your mother, what really encouraged encouraged you and maybe set the foundation for love for words.

Karen: 8:26

I think it was my dad more than my mom. Yeah, I really think he did. Yeah. I mean, she, she was kind of wanting us to be in the limelight, you know, that type of thing. But my dad was more. You know, let's do this, because we're going to learn something with this. He was always wanting to learn. And, and so you know, I would sit next to him and do language and, and read and, you know, give us we would read the funny papers together. So, yeah,

Allison: 8:56

that's really sweet. Yeah. So why do we need to talk about words in the home? Well, I

Karen: 9:03

think the very basic first reason that we need to do this is because in John one, one, it says In the beginning was the Word. And the Word was with God, and the Word was God. And so, I mean, essentially, God just spoke the world into existence with his words. And it was Yeah. And then in Isaiah

40: 9:28

8, it tells us that the grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God stands for ever. And so his words are going to be with us until we die. And you know, they have been with us since the very beginning. And I think that the use of words is just a unique and powerful gift from God. And words are powerful. Yeah, I mean, any way you look at it, whether you speak them whether you listen to them whether you write Are you seeing them? They're powerful. And I'm just thankful that God gave us words. And you know, he didn't. He only gave humans words. He didn't give animals words. And so we're so special to have gotten that gift and

Allison: 10:19

and that he chose to communicate with us. Yes. In that way. He chose to speak our language as it as it is. Yeah. I mean, he gave us language. And then he used it to communicate truths about who he is.

Karen: 10:32

Oh, yeah. Yeah. To our hearts. Where we have no question. There should be no question. Yeah, that that is truth. Yeah, you know, we got to have we've got to have that the truth. That and then I think the the words of Jesus and how intentional they were, and how his words always brought life. And if we look at his disciples, just the encouragement that he gave them, every day, through his words Ephesians 4:29, it says, Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouth that only such as is good for building up, that it may give grace to those who hear. So when you think about it, if every time we open our mouth, it ought to be something that is building up. And you know, it's logical that think it we're human, we're gonna, we're gonna say things that we regret. And but I think just trying to be aware of of the words by speak, I think that's a big, a big thing, just being aware of

Allison: 11:42

just being aware. Absolutely. Yeah. So when we talk about words in the home, we know that primarily who we're speaking to, in our audience are women who are they're the caretakers, they're the the keepers of the home. And this this is the way that it often is, is the the woman of the home sets the tone, very often, because it's kind of her domain, and how how we set the tone can be determined by a lot of things. But it's very often, the tone is set through our words, the words that we speak to one another, to ourself, to God. And that's kind of what we're going to flesh out here in this conversation, we're going to flesh out some, you know, some of this is a little bit lofty and theoretical and hard to grab onto. But we are going to get into some practical things as well. We have sort of a cycle of of word usage, if you will, we have words that we take in, and then words that we hold on to or we think and room and ruminate upon. And then we have words that pour out that we pour out and those things are interconnected, they're constantly, one leads to another leads to another leads to another, you can't really separate one from the other. And those are the things we want you to be thinking about as we go into this discussion about words in the home and how it affects the family and how it affects us. Be thinking about the words we're taking in the words we're holding on to in the words that we're pouring out. Alright, now the first thing we have to address are the words that we're that we're holding on to what let's talk a little bit about our thought life, the words that that roll around inside of our head.

Karen: 13:21

Yeah, and I think, especially we, as women have a really hard time with that sometimes. Well, not just sometimes, a lot of times, you know, we just, we just play that recording over and over in our head, and just the same old stories and negative thoughts and things that aren't good to hold on to that that can actually, you know, it can even hurt our health. I mean, you know, there are so many things that can happen from that. Not just emotional, but physical as well. And I think what we take in, and what we think about it, if you think about that it rewires your brain for good or for bad. And so I mean, you can put good things in there and you're gonna have is kind of rewired for good. You're gonna have those good neural pathways to the brain but you put constantly put bad things in there, negative things in there, if you're going to have those pathways, and that's that's how you're going to start thinking but I think the scripture that you know, taking our thoughts captive and Second Corinthians and it's in Romans also taking every captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. And I know we can't do that on our own. And when you think about the word captive, it definitions of the word captive. This may help help you to really think about this a little more would would be imprisoned, enslaved synonyms would be chained and shackled. And so those are pretty heavy words. Yeah. And when you think about it, and actually, the thoughts that come into our head are the temptations. Those are the temptations. And I, you know, we have we have the power from the Spirit within us to be able to change those thoughts before they get to our heart, because once they get to our heart, then they become part of us. And then they come out of our mouth. Yes, exactly, is what's in the heart overflows out of the mouth. And here's the Scripture, a good man says good things. These come from the good that is stored up in his heart. An evil man says evil things. These come from the evil that is stored up in his heart. A person's mouth says everything that is in their heart. And this is a different translation of the NIR V. That's in Luke 645. But I mean, that's, that's pretty true. That's very true. Yeah.

Allison: 16:08

And it's important to get that, to understand that there is an absolute connection of the words that we are taking in to our and then it goes to our brain, and then it goes to our heart, and then it comes out of our mouth.

Karen: 16:21

Yeah. It's like a pathway. Yeah, yeah. Well, here's an example. So say we, there's a chore. And you know, we as women, we have chores every day that we don't like to do. And so we every day, we have to do this chore, but we complain, and then all of a sudden, that becomes a temptation in our head. But we can do something about that before it enters our heart. Focus, we can focus on God's word, this is just an example. And this scripture from Philippians says do all things without grumbling or complaining. So that's just an example of if we just keep telling ourselves, look at that scripture, keep telling ourselves, this is what God wants us of us. He wants us to do these things, to His glory, even though we don't enjoy doing them. Right. You know, it's not a job we want to do. But But I think, you know, there are just ways that we can put other things into our head to try try to crowd out that negative feeling. Man, we still don't like it. But we don't have to just constantly be thinking we know why. Right?

Allison: 17:33

Well, I mean, this speaks to you know, you referenced a couple of different scriptures at the beginning, we talked about the Scriptures, the scripture that says to take every thought captive, and that's in Corinthians, correct? Yes, yes. And then the Romans one, which is Romans 12 says, Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, right? We are to be transformed by the renewing of our minds, and our minds get renewed or made new those neural pathways. This is biology, this is actual, like science. Yeah, yeah. The pathways of our brain are like a rut that if we just keep listening to the same old words, and an untruth lies, they just our brain keeps going down those same pathways, like a dog on a run, you know, just over and over and over again, and it's a rat. But if we put new truth in there, if we put new thoughts and truth and God's truth, it will actually transform our minds, it will change those neural pathways that will get us out of those ruts of thinking. And so when you're talking about, you know, crowding out the negative thoughts, it's, it's, it's your chant, you're actually changing those negative thoughts through the power of God's Word. And I believe personally, only God's word has the power to do that. I mean, you can do all the power of positive thinking and all of that kind of stuff. But in the end is going to be futile because it has to be grounded in truth. Yeah. And that's what we know about God's word. And so when we're facing things we don't want to do because we're bitter because the dishes are piling up again. And nobody in the house seems to be wanting to help us. And we just have a nice little pity party for ourselves. And we keep telling ourselves the same thing. And that's just going to cause a root of bitterness to grow up in us. And who knows where that will lead. It's not going to lead anywhere. Good. Yeah. So taking the thought captive means deciding when it enters your mind. No, actually, I'm not going to go there. And asking the Lord to show you what's really true about the situation.

Karen: 19:32

Well, yeah, and as we become faithful at being able to resist that sand that's made visible in the temptation. It dies. Yeah, it starts to die. And then our corrupted, human nature gradually is replaced with a new creation. Yes. And the destructive thoughts lose hold and guess what positive constructive thoughts and reactions replace those. And I love this scripture in Colossians. says, For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ and God. And when Christ who is your life is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory. So put to death, the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. That's great. So, and then Philippians, and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ. So you know, talking about our minds, we, we can fill it, we fill our hearts with love of Christ. And then when we do that only truth and purity comes out. And our words demonstrate the power of God's grace and indwelling. Spirit. So the words are so important, they're also. And then I think, you know, I think about our times now, I mean, it's all it's been always that, you know, it's it now, more so than in the past, maybe in the recent past. But we have to be intentional, because Satan is really battling for our minds. He's out there. And we got to learn to be more influenced by the Spirit to realize that we have God's Spirit working within us. But we have to let that Spirit work. Yeah, absolutely. And we have to desire the things of God. And so and also, I think it's really important to surround yourself by people who can help you battle the things in your mind, you know, other Christians who we can encourage each other in that Yeah, and that's where I think it's the power of more than one. The power of God is stronger than anything. When using when using his weapon to fight back the negative thoughts.

Allison: 21:59

We will get back to our discussion on words in the home in just a few minutes. Right now it's time for historical homemaker. Hence, the part of the show where we highlight some of the helpful and not so helpful hints doled out to homemakers throughout history. Today's hints are all about letter writing. And they come from the art of homemaking in city and country in mansion and cottage by Margaret Sangster published in 1898. In this monumental 18th century homemaking guide, Margaret devotes an entire chapter to letter writing. Here is her advice regarding supplies. For ordinary correspondence, one should use good white paper unruled have fine quality with envelopes to match which are large enough to easily admit the paper. eccentricities of note paper are to be avoided. Also tented papers or those which have curious devices. If you can afford it, your monogram at the top of the sheet or your residence in engraved script is a finishing touch to the letter which adds a certain elegance. But these are by no means necessary. Also, one may seal a letter with her own individual seal if she chooses, though, the only essential thing is to have good mucilage and enough of it so that the letter may safely go on its way. Very good suggestions, Margaret. And if you're wondering, dear listener, what in the world mucilage is, it's an adhesive or glue. We certainly don't want our envelopes coming undone midway through their postal journey. Unless of course you make the unpardonable mistake of writing a letter that would best be left on delivered. According to Margaret, there are a few types that fall into this category. Never write an angry letter. If you are distressed about anything, let it be what it will, or in any way troubled in mind say to yourself, I will wait till tomorrow, especially if you are resentful or vindictive, because the written word has a certain permanence. And while it may be to you an escape valve to sit down and write out your indignation, the letter in the hand of a friend or foe may be a destroying and wounding weapon. Above all things, never write to anybody that which you would not be willing in case of necessity to have shown to all your friends and blazoned upon the four winds. People should never carry on a clandestine correspondence or lower themselves by writing that of which they should be ashamed where it known. Oh boy, how we have seen careless, scandalous or inappropriate words sent via email, text or Twitter bring down politicians, movie stars, religious leaders. If you would not have it splashed across tomorrow's news feed, follow Margaret's advice. Don't text it, tweet it or write it. Well, that's all for today's historical homemaker. Hence, as always the tents are for entertainment purposes only. And we leave it up to you, the listener to determine the safety and soundness of this advice. And now back to our discussion on words in the home with Karen Shepherd. So we wanted to address this area of words inside your head first, because so much of what we do, obviously, the words we pour out, we've already said that as Jesus said, what what comes out of our, well it starts in our head, then it goes to our heart, and it comes out of our mouth. But even the way that we take in words, which we're going to talk more about, as well, are affected by the words in our head. So we need to keep careful guard over what's in our head and make sure that all of the things, the words in our head are being made subject to the truth, that is to Jesus, making everything in our minds all the words we think about and the thoughts that we have about our home life, and our family and our husband and our marriage and our kids are all those thoughts in submission to the truth. Right? Yeah, so let's move on to talk a little bit about some, let's move on to talk a little bit about pouring out some words.

Karen: 26:13

What well, once again, just reminding us, reminding me of the Scripture, in Matthew four out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks, our speech is an overflow of what's in our hearts. So that's kind of the beginning right there to think about, as we move on here, but, but our words really do more than just impart information, they have a huge impact, they have propensity to have just this huge impact on people. And in recent years, we've witnessed witnessed how words can stir up hate and violence can pit family members and Christians against each other, and just inflict a lot of hurt and pain. And so that kind of leads me to kind words, because I, I'm a, I don't know, I really have thought a lot lately about kind words. And here's the saying that I thought was good a quote, Our words should be purrs instead of hisses. And so, you know, when I'm about to say something, I shouldn't say I gotta remember. Yeah. And then another one from this is when I found on an outfit called so kind, and I'm gonna talk about that in just a minute. But perhaps you will forget tomorrow, the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime. And I think about that, when I go through my memory box, I have this big Memory Box, and I pull out letters where people have written to us and, you know, maybe encouraged us and, and said nice things to us. And, and, you know, when I'm down and out, and I read those letters, I thought, wow, I really did some I did something good back. And it's just, it's just a real encouragement to me, too.

Allison: 28:10

I love that you keep a memory box of those kinds of things. Yeah, I think I might have to start doing that. Yeah. How long does your memory box go back?

Karen: 28:18

Oh, way back. There are letters in there that my dad was in the Navy in 1944. So yeah, letters from my grandmother, my grandfather. And they didn't mean as much back then. But they mean a whole lot more now. And so,

Allison: 28:38

I know we're going to talk some more about letters later. But that's I just wanted to mention that I wanted to ask you about that because I think that's a really great practical thing that you could start doing right now is to just hang on when someone writes it's rare. It's rare to get a note in the mail a handwritten note, so I saved them just because of the rarity of them. But I haven't like tucked in the weirdest places all over my house so I should probably gather them up and put them in a box and it is nice to go back and remember you know that experience I shared with that person that they sent me the thank you note for or whatever Yeah,

Karen: 29:12

that's okay. And even scan them you know, you can scan the computer and but I still don't want to get rid of

Allison: 29:19

because they're they're tanjo to feel that paper

Karen: 29:22

and the paper is so different than the paper now that will surely all the

Allison: 29:26

old stuff so Okay, all right, but

Karen: 29:30

I recently read of a grandmother who asked her grandchildren about whether they thought it was good to speak kindly to others well, the five year old said Say I love you a lot. The seven year old said that when he says kind words that makes him feel good. He learned about being a bucket filler from this singer read grammar. And this read grammar he sings Yes, I'm a giver and not a taker. Every time I look I look to see the invest in you, if your buckets empty, I make an effort on my part to look beyond the surface and see what's in your heart. And I just thought, you know, if we can just pour those good things into our kids when they're young, and they're so impressionable, and they're so teachable. And but, you know, I just think we should never, ever underestimate the power of kind words. And I have a friend Alyssa, who started a hashtag movement in 2017 called so so w kind. And she invited others to join her on on this journey to be intentional with words of encouragement and acts of kindness. And I just, I love what she's doing. And now it's just, it's grown into this really cool thing where she does different she has, she has this Volkswagen van, this old Volkswagen van that she fixed up, and she takes it around in different places, like she'd come to my neighborhood and, and she does these little pop ups. And she does these meetings, and she talks about being kind and ways you can be kind. And they go out, she fills up her van and goes out to parking lots and they put notes on people's cars or whatever, you know, and I just, I just love this idea. got allergies today hear that. And one of her one of the things she has on her website is that words have the power to interrupt loneliness and change the trajectory of life. And now these days, we see so many lonely people. Yeah. And she has really touched the hearts of a lot of she's drawn those people out. And they've joined her in this movement. And so I just I love it. Yeah, that. So I've got several verses here that just popped out as being really meaningful to me, during this time of trying to do this talk I in Proverbs 16. It talks about says gracious words are like a honeycomb sweetness to the soul and healthy to the body. Who wouldn't want

Allison: 32:10

I love honey, I love honey. I know. That's a great verse for me to meditate on.

Karen: 32:15

Yeah. And then proverbs 15. It talks about A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. And I think we've seen that a lot lately.

Allison: 32:26

Yeah, when you were talking about your friend analysis, hashtag movement, I was just, what immediately came to mind was this is the exact inverse of what we see in our world today with Twitter wars, and how you know her quote about how it can interrupt loneliness and change the trajectory of life. We've seen how just a few words can change the trajectory in a negative way of someone just ruin their life. Yeah. So that's really powerful.

Karen: 32:52

Yeah, it is. And then let no corrupting talk come out of your mouth, but only such as, as good for building up, that it may give peace or grace to those who hear me, I think we've already talked about that, but then hurt to say it again. And then encourage one another and build one another up just as you are doing. And I think the way that we use words in our homes are very, very important. And you know, I think back and I haven't always been great, using the best words in my home, when I think back and, and I, you know, I regret that. But I would, I would really love to help moms be able to think more about what they say to their kids and how they say it, and how much it really impacts those kiddos that the tongue can bring life or death. And so it can bring life to our kill a relationship with a spouse or a kid.

Allison: 34:00

Yeah. And I think it's important to just say, we're not coming from a place of condemnation and set you know, we don't want to, you know, scare people and to think that every single word, although the Lord does say that we will give an account for every careless word spoken. So he cares a lot about our words. But there is also so much grace. And it's about it's a matter of the intention of your heart. If the in God knows the intention of your heart, if the intention of your heart is to build up your kids with kind words and with encouraging words, God knows that you are human, and you have limits and you cannot do that apart from his power and you're going to slip up and you're going to mess up. And that's why kids, they are so forgiving, like hats. I can remember with my children, you know, losing my temper and yelling and then coming back and saying Mommy, mommy, sorry, I just I lost my temper. Burn, I shouldn't have yelled at you and, and they're so Oh, that's love on you and hug you. I mean, they're so quick to give. And gosh, we could learn so much from their example. But I just wanted to say, I just wanted to point that out and say, Yeah, while we want to not minimize the impact and the importance of word and the weight of what our words can do, we also aren't here to condemn and say, you know, if you don't get every single word, right, then you're doomed. And your kids are doomed. Yeah, that's yeah, there's always grace and, and love covers a multitude of sins. So yeah, having had said that,

Karen: 35:37

okay. So let's just talk a little bit about how we use words with our spouse. And that's a good one. Yeah. One of the things that, after all these years of marriage that has that really, really stands out to me, and something my husband has talked to me about, at times, is that he wants me to be respectful, really show him respect in the way I talked to him and the way I talk about him. And, you know, it's kind of it's kind of a guy's love language, I think is is they want to be shown respect. And we all do. Yeah, I think it would say everybody wants that. But I think, you know, with guys, it's just, it's really, really important. And, and so I think when we're talking to our spouse, you know, just using if we can use positive and kind words. And also something that we need to be aware of is when we're with a group of people. And we're, you know, we have couples sitting around, we should always, always, when we talk about our spouse, or when we talk to them in front of you know, in a group of people we should talk positively. And no, you know, not no negative talk. Yeah, because that that's just not, oh, not good at all.

Allison: 37:01

I completely agree. There is nothing that makes me more uncomfortable than to be in a situation where a spouse is almost demeaning the other spouse, in the presence of other people or not in the presence of other people. That was something that somebody taught me at the very beginning of my marriage was, you speak about your husband, no husband bashing when you're with your girlfriends, and y'all, you know, the conversation turns to husbands. You talk about him with respect as if he were in the room, and you don't air out your dirty laundry. If you're mad at him that day to your girlfriends, you take that to the Lord. And you take that to your husband. Right. And you work it out with him. Yeah. And that has saved me. I think a lot of headaches and and yeah, pain and sorrow. Yeah, following that advice. But yeah, it's super uncomfortable when you're in a conversation with people, and especially if it's the couple in the room together, and you can tell there's tension there. Yeah. not healthy. Yeah, that's great advice. Yeah.

Karen: 38:05

Yeah. And then just a little exercise that that we might could do that might be helpful is write down at least 15 of your spouse's positive qualities. And then over the course of a month, just keep when you see them or, you know, observe, then just add, add more to that. And then you know, at the end of that, how to just ask yourself the question, how does your spouse make your life nicer? And so many times we just want to, you know, dwell on kind of negative things about, you know, our spouses, but if we can just try to overpower that by, you know, just thinking about hope. Okay, so what are the good things to hear, and I guarantee you're gonna come up with a whole lot more good things than you do bad.

Allison: 38:55

I mean, you did choose to marry this person. So there might be a reason?

Karen: 38:59

Well, one of the things that my husband and I started doing early in our marriage when our children were young, you know, when they when Daddy's coming home from work, and kids are excited to see him run Daddy, Daddy, you're home. And they just want to monopolize Daddy at that point, you know, and just tell him all about everything. And one of the things that Greg did, he said, Okay, well, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna have couch time before the kids. And so he's okay, wait a minute, you know, your time will come but mommy's first. And so you sit on the couch and the kids go somewhere and you have your couch time. Yeah, where you talk to each other about your day and and then it's the kids time. And I think they can see from that. It helps them to see how much Daddy loves mommy. Yeah. And how that money is You know, he she's other, from God being number one, mommy's next and then the kids come right you know, and, and so I think that's a really good,

Allison: 40:11

I love that you did that because that it also gave him an example, to see y'all communicating with one another, you know seeing the importance of that reconnecting through your words, through communication. At the end of the day after you had been separated for the day you come back together as a because y'all are one your husband and wife. And so you come back together because you love each other and you want to you want to communicate with one another as far as how How'd your day go, and your challenges and triumphs and all that stuff. So what a great example to your kids.

Karen: 40:44

That and then you know, with their with their children. Moving on to children. I often hear parents say to their whiny kids, use your words. Yeah, and I love that, you know, because I don't remember doing that when my kids

Allison: 41:02

that came that came after my kids were little that started becoming a fashionable. Yeah. Which I think is great. Yeah.

Karen: 41:08

And more more than not I see those kids when they want something and they're whining, and they know they have to use their words to get it, they will use their words. But if they're not reminded to do that, yeah. And they get it anyway, you know, yeah. But that's, I just, I just love that.

Allison: 41:27

And as a side note, I just thought about this, as you were saying that, if your kids are really little and they don't have the words yet, this is a lot of this is a lot of times at this at the center of the frustration that causes like temper tantrums and a two year old, or maybe a one and a half year old. They don't they know they want something, but they don't know how to communicate it because they don't have the words. So this is where baby sign language is so ya know, valuable. And I know all the all the young hit bombs today. Yeah, this is you guys know this, you guys are all probably doing this with your babies. I mean, my daughter in law is an American Sign Language interpreter. So this is something that's close to our hearts as a family. And I so wish it had been a thing when my babies were little, because I'm watching it in my younger friends with with babies, and how effective it is to communicate with the children who don't have the verbal words yet. So give them a language through which they can communicate when they're really, really little. And it will just make your life so much easier.

Karen: 42:26

I'm so glad you said that. Because that is that is something I love too. I've seen that happen time and again. And even my my girls have done that with their babies. And one of our daughters actually has a disabled child that can't he can't speak. And so he act, even though he's brain damage, he can do signs. And so it's so cool to see him going more. That's awesome. How negative words affect our children. Actually negative words can release lots of stress producing hormones and neurotransmitters, which in turn interrupt the brain's function functioning. And so you know, just to think about that, maybe that's a good way to, to think about it when you don't want to interrupt your child's brain. Yeah. Talk about positive parenting a little bit. So many times will say, Oh, don't run, don't hit stopped and stop interrupting. But what can we say instead of that? We could say, walk, please, instead of don't run we could say only gentle touches, please. Instead of don't hit our Oh, you know, and these things? It's kind of what do they call it? They have to double process. When you say just one thing, one negative thing. Don't run. Okay. I'm supposed to not run. But now what am I supposed to do? Yeah. So you know, if you give them an option, yeah, this is what you need to do. And you're giving

Allison: 44:08

them you're giving them an instruction as opposed to putting up a what's the word you're giving them instruction, as opposed to giving them a

Karen: 44:18

word, just a barrier? I mean, it's a barrier to Yeah.

Allison: 44:25

Like a, like a law, like, Oh, my God. And I guess my brains not off. Right. It's not cooperating. You know what I mean? Yes, I know exactly what to say. I mean, what you know, yeah, yeah. Right. Go ahead. Give them a positive instruction rather than a negative, you know, don't do that.

Karen: 44:51

Okay, yes. And then think about using more positive words. And it's hard to think about that when you're You know, stop hitting don't think about more positive words, praise positive actions with words instead of rewards and bribes. I think children respond well to that young children respond well to that. Well, and then one on one time, this is part of the connecting and engaging with your child one on one time delighting just delighting in moments that you can have and connecting with your child, and catch the kids being good and get positive feedback instead of focusing on bad behavior.

Allison: 45:39

Well, yes, and this is where it comes back to what is what are the words rolling around in your head? If the words are, you know, my kid is embarrassing me by this behavior. Okay, then you have a pride issue. If the words are this kid is never going to learn. I'm so frustrated. Well, that's not true. They will eventually outgrow that, you know, and what is your role? Your role is to train them to disciple them to, to model for them? Yeah. And then not take it personally, that was an issue that I had when my kids behaved badly. I took it as like a personal affront. Like they were personally doing it just to wound me. And that's not true at all. They're just behaving like children. Yeah. And to give them those positive examples, I think is just so much more powerful. But it, it has to start up here in your mind and the retraining of the way that you're thinking about the situation. Yeah, that's the only way you're going to respond in that moment, not in anger, but in a positive way.

Karen: 46:40

Yeah. So basically, we have, we have to be trained Yes, to train them.

Allison: 46:45

And that's the way God works.

Karen: 46:47

Parents, parent, write that. And another thing is avoiding phrases that point to their character or personality, like you're the best player on the team, or you're so smart. Instead, you know, try to praise the specific act if the child shows an hour instead of praising the specific yet, if the child shows concern for someone who seems sad, point out what they did, right. You know, they showed concern for that for that child, they showed empathy.

Allison: 47:24

Do you think we don't? Where's the balance in giving a child praise for something they've done? Where's the healthy balance there? Because we don't want to not give them any praise for their because, you know, some people really thrive on that positive feedback and words of affirmation, that kind of well, I mean,

Karen: 47:45

you could say something like, oh, I liked the way it like, say baseball. I liked the way you caught that ball. Yeah. You know, instead of you're the very best player ever. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, were they they're comparing themselves to everybody else. Oh, everybody else is worse than I am. I'm the best. Yeah, no, that's

Allison: 48:04

a really good distinction. And it's it,

Karen: 48:07

I think, trying to be aware, and of course, we have to be this way before we can teach our kids to be this way is to be others oriented. Yes, we think about other people. And that's where they learn. And they have to learn young. And then just, you know, emphasize, like how the other person might have appreciated their kind gesture of going over and given them a hug, because they were sad. And so we're

Allison: 48:35

praising our children for any time, they have a perspective, and then their behavior is focused on serving, loving being focused on the good of others. Yeah, because what sin wants to do to our hearts is make us look at have us look at others and compare. And either think we're so awesome. Or think we're so terrible. It both of those are weird forms of pride. So yeah, okay.

Karen: 49:01

I see what you're saying. It's all about me. Yeah, about me, you know, praising

Allison: 49:05

them anytime they're being selfless, basically, giving them praise for that, or just pointing

Karen: 49:10

out things in a in a different way. Yeah, absolutely. So Oh, and this is this is something that this is kind of a more concrete, the mementos that you save that when the kids are little, all these cute little cards and the things that they say and the pictures that they draw and saving though, sometimes, you know, our kids that go through hard times. And we have to just let that happen. But we can encourage them with with cards and letters and our words in different ways. And and so having those little mementos. What I like to do is like take pictures of them and then just send them incite. This is something that you said or did. And I feel like it's really it's, it's encouraging for me. And it's maybe encouraging for them to see that and hear that recently, I put on Facebook, a picture that one of my daughters drew when she was seven years old. And it had at the top, it said friends forever. And then it had these two old people that she was a great artist, but I don't know, I don't think I would want to look like those old people. But she said, my parents when they are old. And so I was like, Okay, I'm not sure I have words for that one.

Allison: 50:39

Funny. That's a great practice, though, to use, use your child's mementos as they grow old. to just say, hey, you know, this is a memory that I have of you. And because they won't, they probably won't remember that

Karen: 50:54

as well. And like with with some of our kids, there were maybe rockier times than with others. And, and sometimes they don't remember the good times. And you have to remind them, yes, there were good times because the bad overpowers the good.

Allison: 51:14

It doesn't your memory. Yeah. But what's interesting too, while you say that I want to point out that with my children, now that they're older, and they've reflected back, this goes back to don't beat yourself up for when you don't get the words right, and you lose your temper and use harsh words, right? Seek reconciliate, ask forgiveness, seek reconciliation, your kids are not going to remember a lot of that. You will have a memory of thinking that you just spent all of their childhood yelling at them. Don't remember that. Yeah, I mean, I'm not talking about abusive, you know, I'm just talking about situations, right? A typical mom who just loses her temper every now and then they don't remember, they don't dwell on it. You dwell on that, right? Because you have guilt over it, right. So you need to deal with that guilt with you in the Lord. And you know, seek their forgiveness and then God's forgiveness, but they're not going to remember that. Just wanted to throw that out there because I was really surprised at the things that my children remembered. And the things they don't remember at all, and the way that they remember a certain situation or event completely differently than I remember it. So yeah.

Karen: 52:24

Yeah, that's, that's true.

Allison: 52:26

Yeah, that's, that kind of gets into the importance of journal keeping in writing things. Yeah, but we'll get to that. Yeah. Okay, homemakers. Let's recap a little bit. First, let's remember our why. The homemaker usually sets the tone for the home. And the most powerful way she does this is with her words. Words are powerful. The tongue holds the power of life and death. It's a discipline and a skill to learn to be aware of and sensitive to our words. So you're not going to get this perfect. But just being aware is a really good place to start and cultivating a culture of life, and encouragement through words in your home. We spent a lot of time today talking about words you hold on to what's in your head, and how to let God's word transform you. By renewing your mind. The truth has the power to change those neural pathways. But it's not a passive exercise done while you sleep. It is work that we get to do in partnership with the Holy Spirit to identify the lies and replace them with truth. I speak from personal experience, that the work is well worth the freedom that follows. So keep careful guard over what is in your head. And make sure that all those words you're holding on to are in submission to the truth. I will link all the scriptures we mentioned today in the show notes for your reference to help you begin to do that work, and see how God will transform you and your home. We also started discussing the words we pour out and we focus today on spoken words. Next time we're going to pick up the discussion here and we're going to talk about the words we pour out in written form. We talk about letters and journaling, expressive writing to work through hardship or pain, as well as writing and telling stories. Then we finish up our discussion with words we take in. We're going to cover things like media, music and literature. Karen and I share a lot of practical suggestions in part two of this deep dive. So you don't want to miss it. Thank you so much for listening. If you have stuck around this far, I am guessing you found some value in this episode. If so, would you consider giving the show some love and one of the following ways share with a homemaker you know who could use some encouragement in her practice of the art of home Maybe she's holding on to some unhelpful or untrue words. And this might inspire her to let God's word renew her mind and transform her and her home. You can also help us by leaving a rating and review on your podcast app. And finally, you can leave us a tip and our virtual tip jar. Buy me a coffee tips can be given in $5 increments, as few or as many as you would like, every little bit helps to offset the cost of this podcast. So thank you for your generosity. Just go to buy me a coffee.com/the art of home. And don't forget to subscribe to our free weekly newsletter. I share what is coming on the podcast as well as what I'm up to and my homemaking and some stories and recipes from my 30 years experience in keeping a home. The newsletter is also the place to get your hands on recipes and other such things that our guests share with the audience. Just click the link in the show notes to sign up or go to the art of home podcast.com/subscribe. That's all for today's episode. We will be back next week with part two of our deep dive into the art and importance of words in homemaking. Until next time, keep practicing your art of making a home