Babbling About Why Your Hormones Ghost Your Crush

#218: You can go from thinking about someone nonstop to feeling strangely neutral, and the most unsettling part is when there’s no blowup to explain it. We unpack why attraction can change in dating, long term relationships, and marriage even when nothing “bad” happened and why that doesn’t automatically mean you’re toxic, broken, or unable to commit. I walk through the hidden mechanics behind desire, including how your nervous system can label unpredictability as excitement, how dopamine can turn the chase into a craving, and why calm can feel like “nothing” when you’re used to intensity.

Then we get practical about the patterns that trick people into making big decisions too fast. Sometimes the intensity drops because you finally feel secure and your brain can stop scanning. Sometimes attraction shifts because you’re seeing the person more clearly, not because you’re inconsistent. And sometimes that sudden pullback is self protection when stability starts to feel real and vulnerable.

We also go deeper on hormones and attraction, especially for women. I break down how the menstrual cycle can change libido, confidence, and even what you notice in a partner through estrogen, ovulation, and progesterone. If you’ve ever thought “I was so into him/her last week, what changed,” your body may be answering before your mind does. If you like conversations on relationships, emotional safety, attachment patterns, dopamine, and women’s hormones, this one will click. Subscribe, share with a friend who’s overthinking their feelings, and leave a review. What phase do you notice attraction shifting the most?

Transcript

Why Attraction Suddenly Changes

Johnna 0:00

What is up everyone? Welcome back to another episode of the Babbles Nonsense podcast. Today we are going to talk a little bit about something I feel probably everyone has experienced sometime in their life, and that is why we lose attraction when we are either in a relationship, dating someone, um, whether it's been a very long-term committed relationship, like marriage for many years. And it's mostly like when you're excited about something, or maybe you're thinking about them constantly and you want to be around them, and then out of nowhere, you're like, wait, do I even like them anymore? And nothing bad even happened. Like there was no argument. Um, there was no red flags, there was not a big moment that you can go back and be like, that's what it was. You just all of a sudden start to feel differently. And then you may start questioning yourself like, Am I the problem? Am I the toxic one? Do I just get bored? Why can't I stay consistent? Is this how I always am and always have been? Is this how I will always be? And those feelings, honestly, can be confusing because one version of you really liked them, and now this version of you is like, I could honestly take it or leave it. So which one of those feelings are real? And that's what we're going to discuss today on the podcast. Stay tuned. All right, guys. Welcome back. So we are kind of continuing a little bit of the hormone conversation that we had last week. So if you have not listened to that, feel free to go back and listen to that one and then come back and listen to this one. Because anytime I do a podcast that's kind of out of my norm, obviously I get questions and then I have to do a little deep dive into it more. Obviously, I want to make sure it aligns with maybe something that I'm curious about or maybe have experienced myself because I think that giving real world examples or relating in a way makes it more interesting to talk about. That's just my perspective. But this one was a good one. This was a good question. Like, have you ever lost attraction for someone? And I think that's something huge that we can all probably relate to. Um, well, I haven't really ever been in a long-term serious relationship in a really long while. I've dated um, you know, different people throughout the years, and I wouldn't never necessarily say that I've lost attraction for the people that I've dated. So I kind of relate, um, but not really, if that makes sense. Um, not in the sense of like you've been in a a relationship for a long time and you're like, well, am I even attracted to this person anymore? And things like that. But before we get started, I just wanted to say I made it through Lent with no social media. And when I signed back on this past Sunday um on Easter, it was very strange. I felt like I was cheating to get back on social media. I was like, should I lag on? Because life has been kind of great. Like it's just been very smooth. There's been obviously like work stress and stuff like that, but I'm not in anything on social media, whether that be the political realm. I don't even know what's going on with my friends. So at work or with my friends, when people are like, oh my gosh, did you see this? I'm like, no, I don't even know what you're talking about because I also don't have cable. So I just stream Netflix and Hulu, and that is that. So the goal coming out of this is to hopefully not mindlessly scroll um like I was before taking a break break from social media and to just only get on it like if I feel like I want to get on it, but not to just do it aimlessly, if that makes sense. All right, anyways, let's jump on back into the topic. Um, we're gonna, I'm gonna give some like examples of what I found in my research of why people could lose attraction and then kind of really hone in on the hormones to kind of carry it over from last week. So we're gonna try to normalize this first. And before we even break any of this down, I just want you to hear me. Just because your attraction changes does not mean something is wrong with you. It also doesn't automatically mean that you don't like this person, you're not emotionally unavailable, or you're one of those people who can't commit or anything like that. Now, it could mean that, but it doesn't automatically mean that. It means that something has shifted, whether that be something shifted internally with you, maybe you're, you know, going through a growing season, whether that be emotionally, spiritually, um, and maybe they're not growing with you, or maybe it's just that there's something going on in the relationship that has to be taken into account as well. But instead of judging those feelings, I think we just need to try to understand the why. I'm a huge why person. And there are actually a few different reasons why this can happen. And this is where people get it wrong. They think attraction is just, well, that attraction. Like you find someone hot, you are like, I'm just really attracted to this person, whether that be, I mean, obviously, we're kind of all superficial to a some degree. Like we want to be attracted to the people that we like and are dating or in a relationship with. And for the most part, I think that we can agree that attraction is either there or it's not. But attraction can be influenced by your hormones, your nervous system, your emotional safety patterns, and your perception of that person. So, of course, throughout a relationship, it can change, right? Um, so let's kind of go through the different things that can cause your attraction to either change, ebb and flow. Um, maybe it's just in hiatus at the moment. So we're gonna start with the first one, which was be would oh my gosh, I cannot talk today, guys. But the first one would be your nervous system is involved more than we think it is. Sometimes we're attracted to someone because maybe they feel a little bit exciting. But what feels like excitement could actually be unpredictability, inconsistency, or even a little bit of anxiety. So when that person becomes more consistent or more available, maybe even a little bit more calm, your body doesn't read that as exciting anymore. It reads as, whoa, wait a minute, what is this? It's very unfamiliar. And suddenly we then are like, I don't feel it the same way anymore. I'm not like so drawn to this person where we kind of mix the emotions of love and chaos because maybe we had a turbulent childhood where chaos was what we equated with love. But really, our nervous system just shifted from being very stimulated to very regulated. And if you're not used to that calm, calm can feel like nothing. And this kind of goes back to that conversation we had a couple of weeks ago about dopamine and how I explained, like, I can understand why people cheat and I'm not condoning cheating, but when you're constantly chasing dopamine, which is that stimulated state of our nervous system, and then we go into a more regulated state, it does feel like okay, this is quote unquote boring, and then boring no longer is attractive to you because you're like, well, it was exciting. I used to feel this pull, I used to feel this drawn, like I need you now type of vibe. But really, it was just a toxic pattern and it was a stimulation of dopamine. But whatever shifted in that relationship, maybe you grew through therapy and changed, and maybe they actually have calmed their nervous system and they're and are being a little bit more what you want in that calmness, and then now you don't know how to accept it because it's something that you've never experienced before. And then number two, you your attraction could change because maybe you finally did get what you want and your brain got to relax a little bit, which kind of goes back to the nervous system. So one and two are kind of similar. And this one is really big, I feel like, because when you're unsure about someone, I think our brains like analyze and chase and try to figure it out, constantly asking questions, creating stories, it creates intensity. But once we feel like, okay, I have them now, they're doing what I want, they're doing what I ask, that intensity drops significantly. And then we, if we're in that state, we interpret that as, oh, I'm losing attraction for this person. But really, a lot of times you're not losing the attraction you had for them. You're losing the uncertainty that created a more intense attraction and that draw and um pull towards them. And then third, which is a huge one, actually, I'm gonna save the hormones for last. Third, it could be that you're seeing them more clearly now for what they are. So, like maybe in the beginning, you often saw them through a lens of curiosity or you're projecting your own feelings onto them, or the lens of, hey, this person has so much potential. But then as time goes on and things change and shift, you could start seeing them for what they actually are, for how they actually show up, how they communicate, how you feel after being around them. And sometimes our attraction shifts because you're like thinking, oh, wait a minute, this isn't actually what I thought it was. And that's not inconsistency. I think that's just becoming more aware of your actual feelings before you're sitting there going, Well, maybe I did like them, maybe I don't like them. And you just have to really realize, like when you were chasing them, what were you chasing? Were you chasing their inconsistency? Were you chasing the projection you have of your feelings onto them, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera? The next one, the fourth one, would be you may be protecting yourself in the moment. And this one could be a little bit deeper. Sometimes when something starts to feel real or stable or even emotionally vulnerable, maybe you pull back in that moment. Not because you don't like them, but because your brain is like, let's not get too attached. So then your attraction feels like it's dropping, but really it's just your guard coming up. And then our last one that we have is the hormones. And this is the one I kind of wanted to spend a little bit more time in because I think that hormones play a bigger role than we would like to admit when it comes to attraction with somebody. And this mainly probably for females more than males is what I'm gonna touch on here. And I know it kind of makes people uncomfortable when we talk about hormones, but it's real life. And as women, our attraction can shift throughout our cycle. And this was something that I found really interesting when I was looking this topic up because there are times when we may feel more drawn to them, more turned on, more emotionally connected. And then there are other times in our cycle where you feel neutral. Maybe you're less interested, maybe you're more analytical at that moment, and maybe even a little turned off by them. So you might literally catch yourself thinking, I was so into him last week, what changed? And the answer is, well, your hormones and your body changed. So we're gonna break it down because I think once we understand it, just like I said last week, once we can understand hormones a little bit more, then it makes it make a little bit more sense. So in the first half of our cycle, I'm gonna do a little bit of repeat of what we talked about last week. But in the first half of our cycle leading up to ovulation, that's when our estrogen is rising. And estrogen is very magnetic. It increases our dopamine, which is our reward system and pleasure chemical. It also increases the libido, it increases your confidence. And this is the phase where we could be more open, more flirtatious, more optimistic about someone that we're either dating or in a relationship with. And this is when we're like, okay, he's amazing. He's hot. I love being around him, I feel connected. And then our brain is literally wired for attraction during this time, which, if we think about it, makes complete sense because when your body is preparing, obviously, our bodies in our cycle are preparing to get pregnant, have a baby, and the first half of our cycle, obviously, you want to become attracted to someone to then procreate and have a baby during ovulation phase. So after your estrogen rises before your ovulation, then obviously your ovulation hits mid-cycle. And this is our biological peak. Our body is primed for reproduction, whether you consciously want it or not. I know I've talked about on this podcast how I have consciously made the decision that I personally do not want children for me. And that does not mean that my body is going to be like, oh, you don't want kids, then we're not going to do any of this hormone cycling stuff for you. Unfortunately, our bodies are just going to still do what they naturally are primed to do. And that's primed for reproduction. And so that's when we are typically more attracted, more sensual, more responsive to chemistry. And here's the part that people don't talk about. And that's you may even be more drawn to confidence or masculinity or intensity during this phase. So attraction actually feels stronger and it can also feel faster and like you're very certain of what you want. But then after your ovulation, everything starts to shift. Your progesterone rises, and progesterone is not the same energy as your estrogen. It's more slow, it's more protective, and it's more grounded in reality, is what we call the calming hormone. This is when your brain can move from do I want him in your peak estrogen phase to is he actually right for me? Do I even find him attractive anymore? In our more calm progesterone phase. And we become more analytical, more aware of red flags, less tolerant of inconsistency, less driven by pure chemistry. And sometimes that even means that you are less physically attracted to the person. So now, if you're sitting there like, wait a minute, I don't feel the same during different days or different weeks or whatever it may be, which can come across as confusing if you don't understand what's happening in your own body, because nothing about them necessarily changed, but your hormonal lens did. And this is where I think a lot of women start to question themselves. Questions like, was I just caught up in the moment? Was I forcing it? Am I losing feelings? And sometimes, yes, those are all valid questions that we should ask ourselves. But then sometimes it's just that we're just moving through different phases of our cycle. And if we wait till that second half of the cycle ends and we get back into our estrogen cycle leading up to ovulation, those feelings will probably just go back to normal. And hormones don't make your feelings fake, they just make them very fluid. And that means that they can change on a whim. So, yes, when men are like you're acting crazy, well, maybe we are, but you know what? Biology did this to us, and we just have to accept what our hormones do to our bodies. That's where at least that's where I'm at in my phase of life. Um, but anyways, if you don't know that, you'll keep thinking something is wrong every time your attraction fluctuates throughout your cycle. So instead of reacting immediately at that moment where some people will be like, that's it, I'm ending it, I'm not attracted to him anymore. Him, her, whatever you're attracted to. Um, but instead of reacting to that immediately, instead of ending something in that moment where your feelings may just be dipped, just take a pause. Give yourself a full menstrual cycle and see how you feel in different phases because real attraction, the kind that actually lasts, can hold steady even when your hormones aren't amplifying it. But I know I've talked to my married friends and friends that are in long-term relationships when I was doing research for this podcast, I would ask them and be like, Do you ever look at your significant other spouse, husband, wife, and go, I just don't know if it's there for me anymore? And almost every single person said yes. And I was like, wow, this is so much more normal than I think people admit or people want to talk about. But when we understand kind of what our bodies are going through, which again shifts every day, um, we have four different phases during four weeks. So every week something usually is changing. But honestly, with all of that to say, the more grounded, slightly less quote unquote obsessed version of attraction is probably where the truth lives in all of that. But with all of those different reasons why our attraction can change throughout the month, throughout our cycle, or just throughout the course of you growing spiritually, mentally, emotionally, all the things that we just talked about, our nervous system, dopamine, all those things. What does all of that actually mean? And this is the part I wish more people did understand. Just because your feelings changed doesn't mean they weren't real before. And it doesn't mean that they're gone now. It just means that your internal state has shifted for whatever reason that could be. And the better question probably to ask ourselves is not, do I still like them? It's probably how do I feel around them? Do I feel calm? Do I feel anxious? Do I feel like myself? Do I enjoy their presence without needing intensity? Because attraction, that is only based on intensity. That will always fluctuate throughout any relationship. And so we sometimes have to reframe that. And it's maybe that we're not inconsistent, maybe we're just responding, adjusting, becoming more aware of our feelings. And maybe that version of us that feels quote unquote less intense is actually the more grounded version. Because with all of that to say, I've seen some people like leave relationships or cheat on their spouse because they're like, I wasn't physically attracted to them anymore. And like we've somewhat talked about throughout this podcast, attraction is so different. It's it can be physical, emotional, spiritual, you know, what they're what they're bringing to the table, whether that be finances, whether that be helping out around the house, whether that be how good they are with children, any of those things can create this attraction. But again, it's gonna ebb and flow. And I think that sometimes people leave or cheat and they think that they can find that attraction somewhere else. And sure, you can for the moment, but then it's just gonna circle back to what you're in in your current relationship. So I think that's why it's really important that we really dig deep and figure out where these feelings are coming from and just take that pause before we make any kind of rash decision. So if you've ever felt like this, I don't understand why my attraction changed. I want you to stop immediately assuming something is wrong with you. Get curious instead, take that moment to pause because your feelings aren't random. They're usually information. And the more you understand your feelings, the less power they have to confuse you. All right, that's it. That's all I wanted to say today. I hope that all makes sense. And until next time, guys, bye.