249. Divorce Drains Your Joy - Here's What to Do About It

Divorce doesn't just break your heart — it can shatter your mental health in ways you never saw coming.

You tell yourself you'll feel better once the papers are filed, once he moves out, once the court date passes. But the truth is, healing doesn't work on a timeline. Grief hits you in the strangest moments — standing in an unfamiliar grocery store, driving 40 minutes to your kids' activities, watching your whole routine dissolve.

The losses can be huge. You lose the relationship, the home, the neighborhood, the friend group, the church. Your kids ask questions you can't answer. Your attorney bills you for every email. Your ex hires a shark who treats you like a criminal. It all crashes down at once.

If you're a woman with a vision, your instinct is to power through. You've handled everything else — why not this? But divorce can crack open old wounds you thought you buried. It can trigger childhood trauma, collapse your nervous system, and push you into survival mode — especially when you're also juggling midlife, hormonal shifts, teenagers, or aging parents.

This is not the time to be superwoman. This is the time to build your support team. Find a therapist who champions you. Hire a coach who's walked this road. Ditch anyone who plays devil's advocate with your pain.

Seeing your real needs during this time can make all the difference.

Ready to stop surviving and start building your extraordinary life? Schedule a dating consultation call with Sade at sadecurry.com/schedule-appointment.

Transcript

Hello everyone. Welcome back to the Extraordinary Life and Dating After Divorce Podcast. That is a mouthful, but I love it, because that is what this podcast is about. We did several years of just dating, and now we're expanding to an extraordinary life, because dating is just a part of that. One of the things I found was that the more a woman was invested in building her extraordinary life, the easier it was for her to date and create friendships and create community. They go hand in hand, and that's why we have this long podcast name that I love.

So today's podcast episode is probably going to be relatively short. I'm going to talk about some things that will seem kind of obvious when it comes to divorce and your mental health and healing and growth during divorce. But what I've found is that when it comes to your mental health and dealing with the pain and the grief that comes from divorce, that's usually something people learn the hard way along the way. I wanted to talk about it during the series on divorce because the time that people need it the most is when they don't know that they need it. It's like right at the end of the marriage, when things are getting really difficult, when your mental health is probably at an all-time low, and then during the divorce, especially the early days, where you may have been blindsided by infidelity. You may have been blindsided by the divorce. You may have been the one who filed for the divorce, but then you didn't realize just how overwhelming everything was going to be. Or you have a point where your ex, your soon-to-be ex, is responding to the divorce in ways that you were not expecting.

That is the time that you need the most help with your mental health, and that may be the time when you're not aware that you need help. You might be thinking, "Oh my God, once this is over, then I'll be able to figure it out. Once this period is over, I'll feel better." You might be thinking you'll feel better once you file, or you'll feel better once you have a temporary order in court, or you'll feel better once XYZ — whatever it is — once he moves out, once I move out. And it's not the case. It is not the case. During a divorce, your mental health is a journey. It's a long-term journey, because there's so much that happens during the divorce.

Again, this is going to be obvious to those of you who have been divorced, or who have been like six or nine months in and you're like, "Oh yeah, I had to get a therapist, I had to get a coach, I had to read some books." But I really want to speak to those of you that might be earlier in your journey and you don't realize that this is happening, so that you don't get to the point where things get really dark. I've talked to women, and there are times where even when they are in therapy, even when they are in coaching, there are some really dark moments. There are some really dark moments and some really dark thoughts that can happen. I want to make sure that you are prepared for this possibility by having professional help, by having a support system, and by expecting that things might be tough for a minute.

I think what makes it really hard is the fact that we don't expect it. We don't expect that these things can get really tough. We have no idea how we're going to respond to it. And so when we see ourselves in these responses — like maybe you have kids and you're just laying in bed and you can't get up and you're just in a fog — but you don't realize that the grief has hit you and that you need support. And your children cannot be the support. You don't realize that because you've never been in this situation before. You don't even recognize what's going on. And if you have friends who haven't been through it, or who aren't fans of therapy or whatever, you may not realize that you need therapy. You need coaching. You need experts. You need an expert team. You need people on your team that understand what is happening. They can tell you what's going on, and they can give you the tools to get through it.

When you first get into this world of divorce — divorcing a narcissist, whatever your moment is that creates this need — you have a whole bunch of emotions that are going to hit you. There's grief. Grief is a big one. Depending on your situation, you might be grieving the relationship. You might be grieving the dreams, the future. You might be grieving the loss of your home. If you were the one that had to move out for safety reasons, or if you lost the home in the divorce, you might be grieving the loss of your home, grieving the loss of your routine.

I remember, because I was the one who had to move out for safety reasons, and I was staying in a townhouse across town. I remember when I went to the Walmart in that neighborhood for the first time — and this is a long time ago, y'all. We were still buying things from Walmart at this time. We hadn't canceled Walmart then. I remember walking into the Walmart and wanting to shop for groceries and not knowing where anything was because it was laid out very differently from my Walmart, which I had been shopping at for eight years. I went from a Walmart that I'd been shopping at for eight years, every week, multiple times a week. My grocery store — I knew where everything was at the grocery store. I knew where everything was at the Walmart. I knew where everything was at the Target. My life was laid out to be in a completely different part of town. Shopping was taking me twice the amount of time because I didn't know where anything was, and the grief hit me in that moment.

So grief is a big one. There are so many little losses that go with the big loss, and that's why I think people who haven't been through divorce don't get it. They don't understand. People who haven't been through a divorce, they don't get it because they're like, "Okay, you hated him anyway. He didn't treat you well anyway. You should be happy." It's like, no, we had this life together. Even if he wasn't a good person to me, I had this whole life, and the reason I had that life — he was a part of that, or the house was a part of that, or the neighborhood, or the friends, or the friend group, or the church. Then you're watching your children go through the loss of their routine and their home. You're going through the loss of your routine and your home. You're watching your children go through the loss of their routine and their home. I was having to drive — whereas I could drop them off at their activities within 10 minutes, I was now having to drive 30 to 40 minutes to get them to their activities. It was a whole thing.

So you have your main loss, you have your secondary losses, and then you have your experiences with your kids that are not the same. Your kids are asking questions and you don't have answers. And that's not counting the financial things that might come along. Your attorney is billing you for every email that you send and every question that you ask, and you may not even have known that right away. You see the bill piling up and you're like, "Dang, am I going to be able to send my kids to college?" And then you get to court, and your ex has hired the worst shark in town who is now badgering you like you are a criminal. All these things happen during a divorce, and they tend to happen really early, one after the other after the other after the other, and they can really knock you off your feet.

You can go into survival mode, and then your mental health can really spiral. If you're in a divorce situation, mental health may not have been in the strongest state going in, because you were in this relationship that was probably affecting your nervous system. You might have been with someone who was cruel or angry or verbally abusive, and so that's been affecting your mental health. It's a very vulnerable period.

I know a lot of people going through this. Even my clients — I often have to encourage some of them who come to me without having a therapist to find a therapist. And I encourage them that it might take you three, four, five, six tries to find a therapist that you like, and it's worth it. It is worth it. Having a coach in your corner, someone who's been through divorce, who can explain, "Okay, this is what you should expect so you're not blindsided. This is how to prepare for the things that are coming," to help you stay on your feet.

A lot of people feel like, "Oh, I'll do that work once the divorce is over." Well, how long the divorce takes and how good your outcomes are from the divorce are going to depend on your state of mind. I'm going to do a podcast episode down the line on your mindset, which is slightly different. Mindset is different from your mental health. Your mental health is your baseline emotional state — your ability to function at an expected level. What's your baseline emotional state and your ability to carry out your day-to-day activities at a functional level and be there for the people who are depending on you? Your children — you're able to meet their needs emotionally only if your own emotional state is at a good baseline.

Because divorce can be a long journey, you need a sustainable way to keep your mental health up. Just moments where you go catch a coffee with a girlfriend and you get a little shot of feeling better is not going to carry you through. You need a practice. You need tools to be able to get through this.

I remember when I went back to work before my divorce was over, and then I'd get a text through the Family Wizard app. My ex was doing whatever. I'd get an email from the attorney, and I would get really anxious. But at that point, I had tools. I would go to the bathroom, do my tapping, whatever it is I needed to do — the tools that I'd been given — calm down, and be able to come back and carry out my job. And I was able to do a good job. Not perfect, but I was able to do a good job at my job because I had tools. By the time I went back to work, I had gone to therapy, I'd had coaches. My mental health was in a much better state. So this is not something you can put off until the divorce is over. This is something you need right away.

Also, because divorce, in addition to the grief and the pain — heartbreak is a real thing. It's a physical thing that happens. Divorce can trigger all kinds of trauma responses. I know for me, the divorce triggered my childhood trauma that I had packed away nicely. I did not think about my childhood trauma before my divorce. I had packed that stuff away nicely, tied it up with a bow — or so I thought. It was coming out other ways. Looking back, I could see other ways where it was coming out, but in terms of it bothering me on a day-to-day basis, I was far away from the people, I was far away from all the drama, and I felt good. But when the divorce happened, it was like boom — everything, the whole can of worms, was just all over the place. I needed to get a handle on it, and that took some work. That took some effort.

A lot of women that I talk to, because they are very successful, they are financially stable, they are making an impact in the world, they're raising kids — a lot of the women I work with are kind of like superwomen. And so their first response to the mental health situation is, "Oh, I can handle it. It's one more thing." But sometimes this can be the thing to end all things. This can be the thing where it all comes crashing down. Especially if you're also in midlife, perimenopause, the hormonal changes are happening, you have teenagers, you might have aging parents. You potentially have a lot going on. Those of you divorcing in 2025, 2026 — you've got this political craziness happening at the same time. You're having to deal with the onslaught of all these things happening in the environment. If you're a person of color, you have worries. If you're a person of color in the workplace, there's all these things happening. Those are already causing erosion of your mental health, much less going through a divorce.

Some women that I've worked with have special needs children and are trying to manage that, which also requires a lot of care and respite to be there fully for your kids. When you have someone who has special needs in the family, and then you have a divorce on top of that, and then you have the political stuff that might be happening, you might have financial stuff happening — it's a lot. And even if you are superwoman, there's nothing wrong with superwoman having some support, having some help, having people in your corner who can help you. It is not a sign of weakness. It does not mean that you're not on point. It does not mean that you are messy. It does mean that you are facing something that 50 to 60 percent of women have faced or will face in one form or another. There's nothing wrong with you being supported during that time.

What you want to do is ask yourself, "Where am I in my mental health?" Like I said, this is not necessarily for everyone at all points, but I really wanted to send this message to anyone who might need it and not realize that they could get help. It's okay to get help. Help is available. This is what's happening. So the question is just to ask yourself: What is happening with my mental health? Let me just catch a baseline. How do I feel on a day-to-day basis? How am I feeling? How am I doing? Am I thriving? Am I just coping? Am I hanging on by a thread? Am I overwhelmed by everything happening? All of that is normal, considering everything that's happening with you.

If your ex is weaponizing the court system against you, it is perfectly normal that your response is overwhelm and grief and anger and pain. If your ex is weaponizing the children, it is completely normal that you would be shell-shocked and maybe even panicked at what might happen with your kids. That is normal.

What you want to do in that situation is not shame yourself or blame yourself for having that response, but to realize, "Okay, this is a situation, and these are the tools that are available to me to help with the situation that I find myself in." So you want to think about that baseline, look at where there are gaps, and understand what your nervous system is doing, what your responses are.

You want to find professionals that you resonate with. The wrong professional can make things worse. So I definitely want you to feel free to switch professionals out. If you're like, "This person does not get it. They don't get what's going on with me. They are playing devil's advocate." That is so annoying — when you're paying someone to work with you and then they want to play devil's advocate. If your therapist is playing devil's advocate with your feelings, they need to go work with your ex. If they're busy defending your ex to you, let them work with your ex. You find someone who's going to champion you and back you up, because that's what you need in this particular situation. So find professionals — coaches, attorneys, therapists — that you resonate with, who understand where you are at and what you're trying to achieve, and whose tools are helpful for you.

And finally, watch out for toxic positivity and pride, or the need to not be vulnerable. You're going to find people in your environment who are uncomfortable with you feeling vulnerable. They don't want to see you vulnerable. They're like, "Listen, I was here for you when you were the strong friend, when you were the one taking care of my problems, when you were the one who had it together. I could come to your house and I could chill and I could take advantage of all the things that you offered. But now you have a need." That happens a lot. That's okay. Let them be. But don't feel the need to get it together for those people.

You have a need currently. You're lying on the side of the road bleeding out. There are people who are like, "Oh, can you make me a sandwich?" Just be like, "No." So don't try to be positive. Don't try to be strong. Don't try to not have any needs. Don't try to just get over it. Don't try to feel better about it.

There are times where there's going to be a moment where you're going to be like, "Okay, it's time for me to put my big girl pants on and get over this hump." This is not the period that I'm talking about. I'm talking about when you're in the thick of it, when things are coming at you left, right, and center. That is not the time to act towards yourself like you don't have needs. That is the time to get support. And there's support at all levels. There's support at all levels of payment and cost. There's support at all levels of whether it's group or one-on-one. There are support groups. You can find friend groups, you can find 12-step groups, free groups. There's all kinds of groups. But not getting the help you need is really harming you.

So that's what this episode is about — really just wanting to put this out there to say, hey everyone, check in with your mental health. The fact that you have mental health needs does not mean that you have a disorder. Does not mean you are mentally disordered or that you have a diagnosis or that you are somehow broken in some way. These are normal responses to difficult situations. Anxiety and grief and pain and anger and feelings of betrayal, and even sadness — these are all normal emotional responses to situations like divorce. Getting support helps you not collapse under those responses if they become too much for you to handle. That's all it is. It's got nothing to do with whether or not you are a successful person. You are brilliant. You are awesome. You're making an impact. Nothing to do with that. In fact, you are more likely to be able to pick up the legacy that you are leaving and continue the work that you are doing in the world and with your kids and with other people if you keep your mental health healthy.

All right, that's today's episode. Thanks for joining me for this one. I really appreciate your time and attention always, and I'll see you next time.