250. How to Plan to Get the Best Divorce Outcomes

You tell yourself it won't happen. You avoid the word "divorce" like saying it out loud will make it real. You wait. You hope. You pray things shift.

Meanwhile, assets move. Attorneys get hired — just not by you. And when it hits, you're blindsided.

That was my story. I lost assets, lost leverage, and watched my divorce drag on because I refused to face what was happening. I thought I could handle it. I thought we'd figure it out. I was wrong.

If you are in a difficult, abusive, or high-conflict marriage — this episode is for you. Not every divorce requires deep planning. But if your spouse is less than trustworthy, if coercive control or financial manipulation exists, if children and significant assets are involved — you cannot afford to leave your future up to chance.

Here's what I walk you through in this episode: the three steps you need to take right now — decide, plan, and act. I share what happened when I didn't plan, what happened when a client did, and why the women who protect themselves aren't bitter — they're grown.

Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Thinking you're the exception doesn't make you one. Eyes wide open, information in hand, and a solid plan — that's what makes you the exception.

No one is coming to save you. But you can save yourself.

Ready to create a plan for your next chapter? Schedule a consultation call with Sade at sadecurry.com/schedule-appointment.

Transcript

Hello everyone. Welcome back to the podcast. I am your host, Sade Curry, and we are still on the journey of creating your extraordinary life and dating after divorce. Today I am talking about planning your divorce.

Now, this might sound really obvious, but from being behind the scenes and working with women, there are certain things that can keep some people from planning their divorce the right way, or planning their divorce at all. It actually goes way back to when you find yourself in a difficult relationship, in a difficult marriage, and you are thinking about divorce.

Not everyone needs to plan their divorce. Not everyone needs to take what I'm saying into consideration. For instance, if you are in a relationship where things are reasonably amicable, you have no children together, you have no assets together — it's kind of a wash. You don't need to plan anything. You just need to be like, "Hey, I'm done. You're done. Let's be done." Moving on.

But that is not the case for a lot of the women who come to work with me, and that's who I'm speaking to. If that's your situation, you might need some tips, you might need to learn a few things, but you're not going to need this kind of deep consideration around your divorce, because you don't have the deep situations, you don't have the challenges, you don't have the possible high-conflict situations. There are no high stakes to that divorce.

I'm really speaking to people who need to check: Is this my situation? And if it is, you really need to spend some time considering how you're going about a divorce as you think about it or as you work towards it.

The first problem that I see is not making the decision to get a divorce — not making a decision to leave or making a decision to stay. This is where the problem of not planning starts. This is where the consequences of not planning happen: in not making the decision to either stay or leave. When you don't make the decision — and again, this is within the context of a very difficult marriage, abusive marriage, where coercive control is present, abuse is present, mental cruelty is present, psychological cruelty is present. Children are being impacted. Finances are a big deal. You have a lot of assets together, or maybe you don't even know where the assets are. Things like that are happening. That's the context for this conversation.

When you don't sit to think about the situation that you're in, your belief is sort of like, "I'm just waiting to see what happens." Some people have that belief: "I'm waiting to see what happens. I'm waiting to see if we can figure it out. I'm waiting to see if we can work on it." And then some people are like, "Oh no, that couldn't happen to me, that couldn't happen to us. That's not who we are, that's not going to happen." Those two beliefs are what keep people stuck in this situation.

I would say in my marriage, I definitely experienced the consequences of not planning my divorce. I ended up losing basically all of my assets. There was a huge impact on my children. The divorce dragged on for a long time. I had no leverage to get what was rightfully mine in the situation. And it was because I thought, "Oh, I can handle this. We're not gonna get divorced. It's not an option" — that's what I used to say.

That was what my religion dictated: "You don't talk about divorce. You don't say the D word. If you ever did, then you're gonna make it happen." It was this superstitious way of being — that if you said the word divorce, then divorce would happen because you said the word divorce. It was a way to spiritually bypass the problems that were happening, the problems that were moving the relationship towards a divorce.

In my case, I never planned for a divorce. I never considered leaving. I never considered a divorce. And so I was blindsided by the divorce. The not thinking about the divorce and not saying the D word didn't keep the divorce from happening. It just made it so that I was blindsided. I was caught off guard. I made a lot of mistakes. I made a lot of financial mistakes because I was overwhelmed by everything that was happening. Everything was happening so fast, and things had been set in motion in a certain direction. Then you're also in a system that has its own rules and its own way of thinking about things, depending on your geographical location. All of that was happening. In the moment when I got blindsided by the divorce, the consequences were already in motion.

If you either say, "I'm just going to see what happens," or "I can handle it, it's not going to happen" — that self-absorbed way of thinking, acting like you know the future — you could say that's a codependent trait, but that's a whole other conversation. You're setting yourself up to be surprised if and when it does happen.

If you are in a difficult, abusive, toxic relationship where things are turbulent, things are chaotic, things are painful — there is a possibility that you will divorce. It is entirely possible it might get there. You want to think about it. You want to make space for it.

If you don't: one, your spouse has the opportunity to hide assets. They may already be hiding assets or moving assets. Two, you might find yourself unprepared. You don't have the cash to pay for an attorney, you don't have a source of income, or you have left yourself wide open to be taken advantage of. The narrative has been set against you. Or now you just have too many things to handle to be able to handle them properly in the middle of the divorce.

One of my goals — I remember telling one client, and I'll tell you her story in a minute — my goal as a coach is to help my clients get everything I didn't get in my divorce. To get custody of the children. The children not being impacted. To get their fair share of the assets. To keep the divorce from dragging on forever so that all the money just gets spent on attorneys. I realize how preventable these things are with just a little bit of information and guidance and support — reading the situation correctly, having an awareness of what can happen. It's really not hard to have a reasonably good divorce. Now, of course, if you're divorcing a narcissist, "good" is relative, but a reasonably good outcome — the best outcome that you can get.

One of the things that happened during my divorce — I think I've told the story on the podcast before — is that we owned two homes at the time of the divorce. One home was on the market. The other home was where we were living, the larger home.

I was in the cycle of: he got mad, he's throwing chairs, he's doing all these crazy things. I'm just gonna go stay with a friend for a little bit or stay in a hotel for a little bit, and then we'll come back, and then we'll go on. Remember, I just thought it wasn't going to happen. "I can handle all of this."

Unbeknownst to me, he was ready for a divorce because I was setting way too many boundaries. All of that leaving — he didn't like that because I wasn't doing that before. Before, I would just put up with it. I wasn't putting money separately before. I was like, "Okay dude, if you start doing this nonsense, I'm gonna have to stay in a hotel with the kids for a minute. So here's some money in an account that I'm gonna use for that." I had just recently started setting those boundaries, and he was not here for the boundaries. So he started filing. He went to an attorney and was filing. I didn't know that.

While he was doing that in his lane, I was staying with a friend with the kids, and I was arranging for counseling. It's just insane how these things happen. But that was because my mindset was so naive and so unprepared for that situation — it didn't occur to me that that could be happening. He was working with an attorney to put his whole divorce together. This was over the period of about three weeks. I was working with a therapist for us to try to get back together, for him to behave better, all that stuff.

During that period, he waited until the second house — the second house was under contract. I could even have gone and stayed in that house. I could have just been like, "Okay kids, we're gonna go stay over there." I didn't even do that because it didn't occur to me. I was staying with a friend, and during that separation period, the second house sold. That was the big issue. The second house sold, the cash went into our joint account. He moved that money and then filed for a divorce.

I'm not in my marital home. My other marital home just got sold. I don't have access to the cash from that second sale. And now my now-ex-husband has filed for a divorce. Situations like that happen over and over and over again.

When you are divorcing a certain kind of person, those things happen over and over and over again. This is why, if you are with a person who is less than trustworthy, who is less than kind, who is less than someone who looks out for your well-being, who is caring and loving — maybe you're just divorcing because you're just tired, and that's not most divorces. Most divorces, when you're with that kind of person, you're usually not divorcing.

The majority of you listening to this need to say, "Okay, what kind of person am I with? What kind of person am I divorcing or thinking about divorcing?" That should let you know what kind of path you need to be on.

You need to assess your own situation. Don't go to your happily married friend for advice about how to divorce a narcissist. I get it — your friend is lovely. She has no idea what you're going through, and she has no idea what you're gonna face.

I'm getting a little wound up about this because I just see so many consequences for women. I've experienced the consequences. Divorce catapults so many women into poverty, into dire financial straits, into challenging situations. Even if you are the breadwinner — because I've also worked with women who are the breadwinner, who are the ones that have the income — they are basically on the line to give spousal support to the man or share their 401(k) with the man.

I told the story earlier of how my ex would not put money in his 401(k). My 401(k) was always the one that had it. Even then, it didn't occur to me that, "Girl, this man has no money in his 401(k). If you ever get a divorce, half of yours is going to him." Things like that are very important to think about, even if you're not going to file, or even if you decide you're going to stay. Those are situations that you need to think about. This is the real world, and this is facing reality.

One of the past episodes talks about this — this is just one way of facing reality, of coming out of the romantic love bubble that we are encouraged to be in. To come out of the fairy tale, and the hope of the fairy tale, and the desire for the fairy tale that women are conditioned to live in. We are basically conditioned to live like little girls in a world that is not going to treat you like a little girl when push comes to shove.

This is a call to basically grow up — in a good way, not in a shaming way. To grow up. To be like, "I need to be an adult around here." To not accept the infantilization that gets pushed on you in romantic situations, in marriage situations, in relationships, by religion. They force you to have childish, girlish responses to life versus grown-woman, adult responses to life. The reason older women are referred to as bitter when they speak up or they advocate is because you're pushing back for your equal rights. People just assume that you're bitter because it is so much more pleasant for men and your narcissistic spouse and the world if you're little-girlish, and you're like, "Oh, I don't know. I don't know anything about finances and I don't know anything about the world. I just need someone to help me and save me."

I was that. It wasn't like I tried it consciously. I remember the first court date, and my ex was bringing all kinds of accusations, trying to get full custody of the kids. He didn't even barely know the kids' birthdays. He ruined all their birthdays — story for another day. He would always create a scene, and most of their birthdays he wouldn't show up. But now he wanted full custody of all the kids. I was just shocked. Again, I was blindsided by the level of fight that he was bringing to the custody situation, while I had been like, "Hey, I'm taking the kids to martial arts. They're going to be there on this day. You need to come and see them and be there and share them." I had no idea what I was up against.

I went to my attorney, we're in court, and she was saying, "Hey, this is what he's saying." And I was like, "Oh my God, I don't want this to happen to my kids. This is terrible." She was like, "Girl, this is happening. Get with the program." She snatched my edges, and I got it together. I'm so thankful that she helped me get it together and get out of the damsel-in-distress scenario around a real-life situation that was going to have a huge impact on my kids.

What I'm saying here is you cannot afford to leave planning your divorce — or planning if you're staying, planning how you're going to stay — so that you're safe and you are taken care of in a way that makes sense for your situation.

Here are three things you need to do.

One, you need to decide. Deciding doesn't mean you are taking action today. You just need to say, "Okay, this is the state of my relationship." You need to accept the state of your relationship. Get out of the fairy tale — see the past episodes on that. Decide what you're going to do about it. Some people decide to stay, but then you decide to stay in a way that is safe. You figure out all the variables that are happening and how you're going to protect yourself and how you are going to do what needs to be done to protect yourself and your kids. Or you decide to leave — same thing. Or you decide to at least look at all of your options and go on a journey to make the decision of the option that's right for you. Don't just sit and leave things to chance. Don't just be overwhelmed. Don't just be sad and in a fog about something that is very real. Make a decision, look at your options, make a decision. Get help to make the decision if you need help. Get information to make a decision if you need information. But don't just not make a decision.

The second thing is to plan. Plan the implementation of the decision that you make. I have a client who had one of the best divorces that I have helped plan and execute. During her divorce, she was able to buy a house. She got — she wanted and got — 50/50 custody of her children. She was able to set boundaries so that during her 50% time with the kids, she was not running around doing half of the work for her ex. All those things got written into her divorce decree — all the dates and times and when they would be picked up and who would pick them up and where — so that there was no option for her ex to use the divorce decree to police her or to continue to abuse her. You want to plan everything out that you want.

The third thing is you want to take action. You want to begin to execute on the life that you want, the extraordinary life that you want, whether that extraordinary life is staying in that relationship or your extraordinary life is leaving that relationship. Because life is short. You get one life.

No one is coming to save you. No one. I've tried. No one is coming to save you. No one is coming to save you from living and executing on your own life. It just isn't going to happen. Most of the time, when people come to help you execute on your life, they tend to muck things up even more. Even if you are in a relationship that is supportive, owning your life and executing on the life you want to live is really still up to you.

There are women who are in happy romantic relationships but they can't find time to go on a girls' trip, because they're not executing on their own joy. They're just making sure that their relationship is happy. It's like they only get one side of life and they can't get the other. But you can, if you insist on getting it.

You can decide, "Okay, this is going to change, and I want to have a piece of that." It's up to the individual to do that. Now, this is not to say that circumstances and situations don't influence how and where and when you can get things. But don't leave it up to chance. By default, you will be surprised at what options are available to you. You would be surprised at how much freedom is available to you if you take a look at it and don't just live on autopilot.

Bottom line: Don't leave your divorce up to chance. Don't just wait to see what happens. Don't just assume it's not going to happen. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. That's one in two women at some point in their lifetime.

Thinking that you are the exception only makes you more likely to not be the exception. The way you become the exception is to have your eyes wide open and double-check all the things.

It's like driving. Driving is actually fairly dangerous. There's a ton of accidents. The statistics are really high. You are roughly a thousand times more likely to get into a car accident than you are to be in a plane crash. But we all get on the road and drive. How do I know that I am an exception to those kinds of things? Well, I'm an extremely and annoyingly safe driver. Annoyingly safe. I will not take any chances. That's how I make sure, at least within my power, to be the exception. I have plans to take defensive driving classes — which I've had plans for a while. Now that I say it again, I'm like, "Girl, you really need to get on that." I want to take defensive driving classes to make sure that I am the exception that I think I am, versus leaving it up to chance.

That's what I'm encouraging you to do: not assume that you are the exception when it comes to divorce, that your relationship is so nice that you would be the exception. If you believe you are the exception, then you should not be afraid to look at what's happening in your relationship, tighten things up, figure out where all the finances are, ask questions, make decisions about whether you want to stay or go so that you can be the exception.

You are the exception when you double-check things, when you are extremely careful, when you have the information that you need, when you are knowledgeable, when you are well-trained. That's how you become the exception.

Plan your divorce. Think about your divorce. If you are staying, plan how you are staying in a safe way. Have a safety plan. Have a financial safety plan. Have a physical safety plan. Have an emotional safety plan. Know where you are getting your needs met if you are staying. And if you're leaving, same thing. Know how you're going to stay safe, how you're going to stay financially safe, how you're going to stay physically safe, emotionally safe — all of those things. Don't leave it to chance.

Thank you guys for hanging with me today. I appreciate your time and attention, as always. I'll see you on the next episode.