255. We Are So Compatible, How Come the Relationship Didn't Work Out? the Halo Effect in Dating & Relationships

In this episode, I break down exactly how the halo effect shows up in dating, in difficult marriages, and in divorce — and why smart, high-achieving women fall for it just as hard as anyone else. (Maybe harder. Because we're good at building convincing stories.)

A man can pay for every dinner from the first date to the wedding — and still refuse to share anything that matters once you're married. A partner can be a good provider, a good father, and a terrible spouse all at once. These things live together. Your brain doesn't want to hold that complexity. I'm going to help you do it anyway.

I also talk about the flip side — the horn effect — where one weird moment makes you write off someone who might deserve more time. The goal for evaluating a relationship is clarity, not suspicion.

Whether you're dating, inside a hard marriage, or in the middle of a divorce — the most important thing you can do right now is learn to see people as they are, not as you need them to be.

If this episode lands close to home and you want support, book a complimentary relationship strategy session with Sade. Book a strategy session ↗

Transcript

Hello, everyone. Welcome back to the Extraordinary Life and Dating After Divorce Podcast. It's such a pleasure to be here with you again this week. I'm Sade Curry, your host. I am a life coach for divorced women. I help them rebuild, heal, date again — really go on that journey of reclaiming everything that they want in their life after a divorce.

Today I want to talk about a cognitive bias that I am constantly reminding my clients about when they're dating, and talking to my clients who are either married or in the middle of a divorce about — and this is the halo effect. It's a very old — when I say very old, I mean about 100 years old. This is an old psychological concept that people have known about for a long time, and I think we're all sort of familiar with it, but we don't realize just how often it's impacting what we're doing in our relationships.

First of all, let's talk about cognitive biases. We have a mammalian brain, and what our brain tries to do — and I think almost every living creature's brain, whatever size it is, is trying to do this — is keep us safe. It's trying to keep us safe from predators. We all have a self-preservation instinct that causes our brain to work in certain ways. With humans, our brain tries to sort people into boxes. There are a lot of things that come out of that, but it's not because people are trying to be evil. It's because our brain is trying to very quickly determine whether the person it's looking at is friend or foe.

In a split second, if you can't tell the difference between the snake with the red, blue, and yellow stripes and the one with the black, blue, and red stripes, you could get bitten and die. So we are the descendants of the humans who were most quickly able to sort animals, berries, trees, and other tribes into friend or foe as quickly as possible. When you meet a person, your brain is trying to determine in a split second whether this person is a friend or foe — except that we no longer live in the environment in which that gut instinct works the way it was designed to work.

In those original situations, we were trying to determine whether it was life or death. Now we're trying to determine, especially in dating and relationships: Am I going to be happy here? Does this person have the capacity for my happiness? Is this right for me? It's a much more nuanced situation. Is this a deal-breaker, or is this something I can learn to live with? You're trying to use something that's a split-second activity — designed to sort people out instantly — in a situation that's going to take a lot more time, proximity, analysis, self-reflection, and situational awareness to understand whether it's a yes or a no.

When people tell me, "My gut instinct told me that he was a no," I tend to agree with my clients most of the time when they tell me a person is a no. But what I want them to do is figure out why he was a no — because that is where the learning is. We'll get to that in a minute.

As humans, we've developed a whole plethora of cognitive biases. To define them simply: it's when our brain makes an error in the way it sees something, interprets something, or judges something — and that error causes us to misread the situation. Our brain fires off some subconscious process, and we make a decision based on that. But then it's misapplied.

The halo effect is one of them. It comes from the paintings of the old saints — when you look at Mary in the Madonna paintings, she would have a halo around her head. Jesus would have a halo around his head. Saints would have a halo around their head that says: this person is good, this person is virtuous, this person is safe. What we tend to do is take one quality — so the definition of the halo effect is that we take one shining quality about a person we meet, and our brain then generalizes that one quality to say, "Overall, this person is right for you. Overall, this person is good." But it's basing that conclusion on one quality, and it's a cognitive bias, so you don't realize you're doing it.

If you go on social media, people talk about things like this when they talk about pretty privilege — where attractive people are given more privileges, treated with more kindness, given passes when they do things wrong, while someone who may not be classically pretty is given far less grace. The same goes for height. I think the statistic is that around 75 to 90% of Fortune 500 CEOs are over six feet tall, while only about 14% of the population is over six feet. We over-index on the things we can see. Our brain says, "This person is six feet tall — they must be competent." We think we're evaluating them based on credentials, track record, and portfolio, but really what's happening is the subconscious cognitive bias has kicked in, and we then justify that decision with things we later see on their resume.

So the halo effect is when you take one positive quality about a person and generalize it to say they must also have all these other qualities — qualities that may be ambiguous at the time. You may not have concrete information about those other qualities, but you decide they have them.

I see this a lot with my clients. They'll meet a guy, go on that first date, and maybe he was funny and kind, pulled out their chair, walked them to their car, and paid for dinner. They will take those incidents of politeness, etiquette, and generosity and extend that to his personal character. They'll say, "Oh, he paid for dinner," and take that one incident of generosity and conclude, "He's a generous person."

The fact that a man paid for dinner one time — or even two, three times, even a hundred times — does not necessarily mean he is a generous person. It means he paid for dinner. It could mean he's generous, but it could just mean he's personally principled about paying on dates. He might be doing it because of his own values, or because his dating coach told him to, or because his mother always said, "Make sure you pay when you take a woman out." If he's doing it because his mother said so, that is not necessarily a generous person — because generosity is a willingness to share. A man might pay for your dinner every time you date, right up until you get married, and then refuse to share other things he needs to share with his life partner. So the halo effect is taking that one good quality and extrapolating it into other areas, which can cause you to misread the people you're dating.

This is typically where I get into it with my dating clients — not criticizing the man for the thing he did, but saying, "Hey, that's wonderful that he did all those things. However, I want you to keep evaluating all the other things you want in a partner. Don't extrapolate that into other areas." And that is so hard to do. Our brain doesn't want to do that work of observing. It wants to relax and enjoy.

I get it — when you're on a date, when you're in the dating process, you want to have fun. You don't want to feel like you're on high alert. You don't want to feel closed off or on guard. And there is a way to do this without being hyper-vigilant. There is a way. I coach my clients to the place where they're relaxed — it's not that they can't be relaxed and chill — it's just that as long as you observe without making extra character evaluations, you can enjoy yourself all you want. There's a process by which they can be relaxed while also holding space for what they don't yet know about a person.

The halo effect also happens in marriages — in difficult marriages, or during the divorce process — especially for women who have been socialized to minimize things that are happening to them. I'll encounter a woman going through a difficult marriage, and when she's talking about the things that are wrong, she'll say, "Well, he did this, he did that, this was kind of hurtful, this was painful, I think this particular thing is going to lead to something worse — but he's a good guy. He provides really well for his family."

She'll take the one thing that person does well and almost use it to erase all of the harm that's been done. She won't give herself permission to say, "He is a good provider, he does pay all the bills — and all of these other things are also happening," because both things can be true. A man can be a good provider, even a good father, and be an unkind spouse. He can be a good provider and a good father and cheat on his wife. So many things can happen in the same space, because we're dealing with human beings — not robots. Human beings are complicated and complex, and we have to allow for that complexity.

A lot of the time we want to have a checklist — check all 10 things and say, "Okay, everything else is fine." That's black-and-white thinking. "If he is a good provider, then he's good, and I don't need to think about all these other things."

On the flip side, there's what's called the horn effect — the opposite of the halo effect — where a person does one thing wrong, and we write them off entirely. You hear this in today's social media landscape when people talk about "icks." It can be hilarious, but people are making real decisions based on these icks. "Oh, he jumped over a puddle so he wouldn't get his sneakers wet — that's an ick, and now we can't date."

I don't want to minimize people's intuition, because intuition can be real. It can be giving you information. What I'm always telling my clients is: your intuition is giving you information — but what is it saying? You may be neurodivergent and may have recognized a pattern, but you need to sit back and ask, "What am I noticing?" rather than just writing someone off for one quirky moment.

In coaching, we'll go deeper. For some clients, we'll find that yes, that was just a weird, human moment and it's not a problem. For others, there was something actually real there. I remember one client who was dating a man who was compatible with her on so many levels — pleasant, an all-around good human being. But she said, "I just don't have chemistry with this guy. I don't want him to touch me. I don't want him to kiss me. It's just not working." She felt really bad about wanting to say no to someone who seemed to have everything and whose company she enjoyed, but she felt they didn't have chemistry.

What I coached her to do was to find out why — not just by observing him, but by observing herself. That's one of the things that keeps us from evaluating properly: we're so busy observing the other person that we're not observing ourselves, our own thoughts, our own feelings — which can help you understand the situation you're in, the person you're with, and the energy between you.

She went on more dates, really present with herself — present in her body, present in her thinking. She realized it had to do with his health and his ability to participate in athletic activities. They had gone on several athletic outings, but she hadn't been consciously aware that this was what was bothering her. She finally said, "I don't think he can keep up with me physically, and for whatever reason, in my biology and chemistry, I need someone who I feel is energetic, super healthy, and able to match my physical energy."

And I said, "Well, now you've learned something new about yourself. Let's put that down as part of what you value in a partner and will be looking for in the future." She could have just moved on by saying, "I'm not attracted to him," and she would have been correct to do so. But by taking the time to understand whether a bias was happening, what was going on in her awareness, in her body, in her mind, she was able to get information about herself that she could take into the rest of her dating journey.

So that's basically what the halo effect is — and when you notice it, when you become aware of it, it can help you go on a journey of curiosity. "This person is very charismatic. I wonder what that's about." That's what you ask yourself. It's not to say, "Oh my God, all charismatic men are narcissists love-bombing us and covering things up." Some of them are, some of them aren't. The only way you'll know is to say, "I'm just going to observe. I'm going to be curious about this person, curious about where their energy is coming from, where this particular trait is coming from." Even with flaws — unless the flaw is obviously abusive or clearly harmful behavior — you can take the time to observe a flaw and make a decision about it with real information. Because your future partner is going to have flaws. The more you know about those flaws, the more you see them and stay in awareness of them, the better equipped you'll be to make an informed decision about whether it's a flaw you can handle, and whether the person has the capacity to manage their own stuff.

When you're in a marriage, this shows up as dismissing concerns, ignoring behavior because of a partner's professional success, or because they're a good dad, or because you're compatible in certain ways and you have a good life together. "We're both professionals. We're in the same industry. All of these things are good. I don't want to rock the boat because of all the other things that are going right." But you can't extend the good into areas where real harm may be happening.

The key is to ask: What else is happening that's giving me concern? What's happening that is harming me? What's making me think about this at all? Once you're thinking about leaving your partner or quietly quitting your marriage, it means there are real issues that need to be resolved. The first step — whether you resolve them on your own or with your partner — is to understand what's happening, not minimizing it because of their good qualities, and not dismissing the problem altogether.

For women going through a divorce, it tends to look similar to what happened during the marriage. A woman will try not to make her partner out to be the bad guy — and that's understandable. Ideally during a divorce, you don't want to be bad-mouthing your ex everywhere you go. However, some people take that to the extreme where they almost become their partner's PR agency. "He's a good person. He's kind. He's lovely." Selling the world on your ex, selling your kids on your ex, to the point of lying about where that person actually stands.

There are many reasons a woman might do that during a divorce, but some of it is still being in that place of disbelief, or still acting the way she did during the marriage: "He's a good man, so he's not going to try to take the house. He's a good man, so he's not going to try to take the kids away from me." He might. If you don't look at your situation with clear eyes, you might be surprised at what your spouse tries to do during a divorce.

And vice versa — you have the horn effect. Just because you and your partner didn't work out doesn't mean he is now the narcissist and devil incarnate. You don't want to go to either extreme. You want to take each piece of information as it comes and look at it with clear eyes.

There are a few things you can do when you start catching yourself using the halo effect to make a person better than the evidence supports.

In my coaching program, we call it your kryptonite. What is the thing that makes you extend or project qualities onto a person that they don't actually have? We all have it. I have it, and I've seen it with almost all of my clients. So we try to define it ahead of time. I'll ask clients: Do you know what your kryptonite is? Do you know the thing you want so much in a partner that you're likely to ignore red flags if they have it?

For some women, it's: "When that guy shows up and he's movie-star handsome, all common sense goes out the window." For me, when I was dating, it was if a man was well-read. Oh my goodness — if he was well-read and we could talk about books, and he'd heard of some of the obscure writers I loved, it was just like, take me home. And it didn't mean I shouldn't look for a well-read man. It just meant that when I met one, that wasn't the end of the evaluation. That wasn't the end of deciding whether we were compatible and whether he was right for me.

I remember one guy — very well-read. We talked about books all the time. He would send me Kindle books. I'd wake up in the morning and there'd be a new book with a note: "I really feel like this would be good for you," or "You mentioned this the other day — here's a book you'd enjoy." And he'd buy it and send it directly to my Kindle. Some people like flowers, some people like chocolates — and I like those things too — but a good book? Oh my gosh. That was my kryptonite. Every time I met a guy who was well-read, or seemed well-read, there was always the temptation not to look beneath the hood at everything else.

I've had clients where it was looks. For some, it was the person being a part of their religion — they really wanted someone spiritual, someone from their church. And every time someone showed up who was a Christian and attended their church, they began to ignore all the other red flags.

The first step is to become aware of when you're doing this. Name your kryptonite. What is it? It's not about being dumb. There's nothing stupid about it. This is a cognitive bias that's built into our brains — we use it every day to move through the world. If we had to stop and put every person into very exact categories, nothing would get done. But in the area of dating, or in your marriage, or in your friendships, slow down and start noticing where the halo effect might be happening. Figure out the thing — the cherry on top — that makes you ignore everything else. If you can name it, you can work around it. It's not something to cure. It's not something to stop doing. It's just to say: "I met this guy. He's very good-looking. I know that's my kryptonite. I'm going to make sure I'm not operating from the halo effect when I decide whether or not he's right for me."

Then ask yourself questions. "I think he's kind. How do I know that? What did he do? What am I basing this judgment on?" And also challenge the moments when you project. Some of us are genuinely good people — brilliant, generous — and we naturally project those qualities onto others. Seeing the best in people is not inherently bad. But when you are picking a partner, deciding whether to stay or leave a difficult marriage, or going through a divorce where serious outcomes are on the table, you want to see clearly.

Develop the ability to see a person as a mix of positive and negative qualities — and recognize that both can be true. That's one of the things our brain resists. Our brain wants to sort people: they're bad, or they're good. But people are human. They can have amazing qualities and terrible qualities at the same time, and everything in between. Develop the ability to see the whole person, and understand that you're not going to see the whole person on the first date — maybe not even by the sixth. It's going to take time.

So maybe don't rush into commitment or exclusivity, especially if you're not seeing each other frequently. If they're not available often, or you're not, it might take even longer to see the whole person.

And when you notice things you don't want — if someone has movie-star looks but is also showing up with something you don't want, or not showing up with something you do need — don't minimize it. Don't say, "Well, I don't need that," or, "I'm being too picky." Just acknowledge: "I notice they show up with all of this, which I love, and they also don't show up with this, which I don't love." Let that exist. Sit with it. Consider what it means long-term if you're dating for the long term, or what it means if you're dating casually. "We have a lot of fun, and maybe we can just enjoy that — but I would never marry this person because I couldn't live with this particular quality or inability long-term."

Some people will say, "There are really good people out there, and it's kind of mean to reject them based on one thing." Well, that's true — they might be a really good person. But if they have a quality that makes them incompatible with you, either in the short term or the long term, you have to be willing to see that. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up for that cycle: everything was wonderful, then it became terrible — over and over again.

It can be hard to say no or end a relationship because "I've already invested so much," or "I've been single for so long, I can't keep being this picky." You can decide that. I just always want my clients to decide with their eyes open. You can choose to move forward with someone who has qualities you don't enjoy — that is an actual choice. But it's far better to make that choice consciously: "I see all of these things. I know where it's going, and I've decided I can handle that." That is very different from lying to yourself that it isn't there.

When you pretend not to see something, you don't prepare yourself. You don't get coaching on the things you might need to develop to handle that flaw you're choosing. You're choosing it while pretending not to see it, which makes you less prepared to handle it. Whereas, if you go in with your eyes open: "This person is messy and untidy. When we get married, they're probably not going to change. How do I want to handle that? Do we need to talk about paying someone to keep the house clean? Am I going to take that on?" You're prepared. You saw it. You chose it. You can handle it.

I know a lot of women don't want to feel like they're being too critical or too hyper-vigilant or too skeptical when they're dating. But it's not about being skeptical. It's about seeing what you see, naming it, and then making your own personal decision about it. Making those decisions does not make you "too" anything. As women, we've been conditioned to run away from that label — "You're too this, you're too that." Shame is very much used to police women's decisions. But just notice: even if you try to please the world, you're still going to live with what's in your relationships. Choosing relationships that are nourishing, healthy, fun, joyful, and loving is far more important than what other people think.

Okay, so just to recap: we all have the halo effect going on. It's a cognitive bias built into our brains, and it keeps us from seeing people as they really are. It keeps us from truly taking in the whole person. Every person is a mix of flaws and good qualities, vulnerabilities, quirks, imperfections, and wonderful things.

What you really want to do — whether you're dating, in a marriage, or going through a divorce — is start slowing down how you think about and look at people so that you can take in the whole person and make decisions that are good for you based on accurate information.

The other thing that happens in a marriage is that we just stop seeing the person. We put them in a role — husband, wife — and project all the qualities associated with that role onto them. So whether you're married, divorcing, or dating: slow down. Take in the whole person.

When you're in a difficult marriage, stop assuming things will work out just because your partner has good qualities. If he has good qualities but you're in an abusive cycle, it may not work out, and the toll on you to hold on to those good qualities may be very high. If you're going through a divorce, don't doubt what you're experiencing and seeing just because you're holding on to the person's good qualities. Just because they were a good husband doesn't mean they're being a good person in the divorce. If someone is trying to take the kids away from you solely so they don't pay child support, the fact that they paid all the bills during the marriage does not change that. Don't mix those two things.

And when you're dating, take off the rose-colored glasses. Be willing to see both your partner's flaws and their wonderful qualities — slowly enough, long enough — so that you can make a decision that is right for you, with complete information.

Okay, that's our episode for today. I want to thank you for your time and attention. If this speaks to a situation you're in and you'd like coaching on it, I want to invite you to schedule a complimentary consultation call with me. You can do that at sadecurry.com/schedule-appointment — and the link will be in the show notes. I do have availability for quite a few calls over the next few weeks, so pick a time, let's get on a call, and talk about how you can start getting the outcomes you want — whether you're dating, divorcing, or in a marriage that just feels hard.

It's been great talking with you today, and I will see you next time.