Navigating the Ocean of Grief: Finding Light Through Feeling the Loss

Grief touches us all, yet we rarely understand its full complexity until we drown in it. Beyond the passing of loved ones, grief emerges when we lose jobs, places, relationships, and even versions of ourselves we've outgrown. When was the last time you allowed yourself to fully feel a loss instead of pushing forward?

In this deeply personal episode, I share my journey of avoiding grief for decades and the surprising breakthrough that came in my fifties. After rushing past denial, anger, bargaining, and depression to reach acceptance throughout my life, my brother's passing changed everything. For the first time, I allowed myself to experience the full weight of loss without shutting down. This newfound emotional connection transformed not just how I processed his death but how I experienced a later move from Guam—marking the first time I genuinely missed a place I'd left behind.

The truth about grief is stunningly simple yet profoundly difficult to embrace: we are all born sensitive beings meant to experience the full spectrum of human emotion. When we shut down grief, we also inadvertently close ourselves to joy. Through practical approaches like writing memory-focused letters, seeking professional support, and practicing presence within each stage of grief, we can honor our losses while still finding moments of light.

Whether you're personally navigating grief or supporting someone through it, remember that grief follows no timeline. Loneliness often hits hardest about six weeks after loss, when most support has faded. Your presence then—a simple "how can I help?" rather than "let me know if you need anything"—could be exactly what someone needs to feel less alone in their ocean of grief.

Ready to bring more mindfulness to your grief process? Download my free guide "Five Ways to Practice Presence" and start finding moments of peace even amid loss.

It’s time to rediscover YOU. Join the Reignite Your Flame Facebook group—a supportive community where women like you find peace, joy, and purpose. Together, we’ll nurture your mind, body, and spirit so you can shine again.  Don’t wait to start your journey back to yourself. 
Join Reignite Your Flame HERE

Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding Grief Beyond Death
• 5:52 My Personal Journey with Unprocessed Grief
• 10:17 When Grief Finally Broke Through
• 15:34 Born Sensitive: Learning to Feel Again
• 18:04 Effective Ways to Move Through Grief
• 24:38 Supporting Others Through Their Grief

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:05

Grief is one of the most powerful, complex and deeply personal experiences you will ever go through. It can sometimes feel like an overwhelming wave, it can knock you off balance when you least expect it, and yet it is something that we all experience at some point in our lives. In today's episode, I'm opening up about my own journey with grief the raw, the real and the unexpected moments that changed me. I'll also be sharing some tools and insights that can help you move through grief rather than feeling stuck in it. Whether you're grieving a loss, a season of life, or even a version of yourself you've had to let go of, you are not alone. Let's have an honest, compassionate conversation about grief, how we process it, how we honor it and how we slowly begin to feel light again. Take a deep breath, grab a cozy drink. Let's get to it. Welcome to the Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast, your cozy corner of the world where we'll sip on life's lessons and squeeze the most out of every moment. I'm Melissa, your coach, cheerleader and maybe even a little bit like that mom who always has a warm hug and the best advice waiting for you. If you're a woman over 40, feeling like life's left you a little lost, aimless or downright stuck. You're in the right place. This is where your joy, your freedom and your purpose come back into focus. Together we'll laugh, learn and rediscover what makes you come alive. Because it's not too late, this is your time, so grab a cup of something warm, settle in and let's start creating the next most beautiful chapter of your life together.

Speaker 1: 1:47

I think when we hear the term grief, we always think about losing a loved one, the death of a loved one, someone that we love, passing away, whether it has two legs or four legs or no legs irrelevant we always kind of think. I feel like we think it's about the loss of that individual. But grief isn't always about the death of a loved one. It literally can be about losing a job, moving away from somewhere that you've loved, being connected in some way and then losing that connection. Grief covers all of those things and more. It's not always about physical death, and I really feel like that's something that we don't remember in our daily lives. It could be grief over losing a former version of yourself.

Speaker 1: 2:48

Like I said in the intro, it can be about anything. It can be about relationships, it can be about losing your favorite food. You know what if you woke up tomorrow and you could no longer eat the foods that you love. I've had that happen with friends of mine. Friends of mine have gotten sick and they've had to go through elimination diets and realized they can't eat the things that they've always loved.

Speaker 1: 3:15

Personally, I can't eat the things that I love because they are not good for me, and one of the things that I find kind of interesting and sad about myself is I never really grieved before a couple of years ago. Here I am in my mid-50s and grief was something that was really foreign to me and even though I didn't really experience it myself, I didn't allow myself to experience it. I understood it and I could have empathy for other people going through grief, but I never allowed myself to grieve and it was actually a survival mechanism for myself when we're younger. I remember I had a really good friend up until I was 11 years old and then we moved and that was really hard and I think it was after that that I just stopped allowing myself to grieve. And I do remember coming up against other things in my life that I had lost, you know through my teen years and stuff like that and how hard it hit and I would just close myself off, not allow myself to grieve, you know, because if I didn't feel it it didn't hurt, right. But the problem with that is when we shut ourself off to emotions emotions that we consider bad, emotions like grief when we shut ourself off to emotions, we shut ourself off to everything. I didn't realize it at the time, but after my physical breakdown I realized, you know, not allowing myself to feel those things and holding it all inside and allowing that energy to become trapped in my body led to my physical breakdown.

Speaker 1: 5:08

My physical breakdown didn't just happen. I mean, it was years in the making, and I'll share more about that in another episode coming up. I'll share more about what I went through, my experiences. But shutting all that stuff off harmed me in a major way.

Speaker 1: 5:28

So when I was younger, right, I didn't allow myself to grieve. I would shut it off, pretend it wasn't happening and move on, right, move on, keep moving, keep moving, keep moving, run, run, run, run from that grief, run from the pain. And I think back and again. This is something I realized just recently. But I think back out of all of the moves that we've done, because we're a former military family, we moved every three years like clockwork right Create new friends and then leave. Create new friends and then leave. Create new friends and then leave. Create new friends and then leave, get involved in organizations, get involved in just, and then leave.

Speaker 1: 6:10

And I never really grieved the leaving. I typically would start shutting myself off about six months before leaving so that we could just leave, no big deal, it's just time to move. Oh well, bye, friends. Hopefully we'll stay in touch, maybe, maybe not. But I didn't grieve. We just kept moving. I kept moving, I kept.

Speaker 1: 6:37

Yeah, I cried, but I don't believe I allowed myself to really, truly grieve because I'd gotten so good at shutting it off, I had gotten so good at shoving it down, I had gotten so good at not letting things bother me at shoving it down. I had gotten so good at not letting things bother me. I was fine. My sister would ask me do you miss mom sometimes? And I'm like no, not really. And she can't understand that because she's much more in tune with her emotions than I am or than I used to be anyway, and I didn't grieve. I remember very clearly because my mom was non-responsive at this time. I remember very clearly saying to her I know you're a prideful woman and you don't want us to see your passing, so I'm going to lay down here and I'm going to close my eyes, take a little rest and you are free to go. And about 10 minutes after I did that, she breathed her last and I heard the death rattle. If anyone's ever been at the bedside you know what that is. And I heard the death rattle. I woke my dad up and I said this is it, she's leaving. And we came together around her bed and we were with her when she passed.

Speaker 1: 8:07

There are stages of grief that people typically go through right Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I skipped all of those. I skipped the denial, the anger, the bargaining, the depression and I immediately went to acceptance in all of these situations. And I immediately went to acceptance in, like all of these situations, every time we would move, anytime a pet would pass away, anytime someone I loved would pass away. I would just go past all of those other stages and immediately to acceptance. But I know, for me it was about protection. I was protecting myself, I was protecting my heart and shutting all of that off and shoving it down, moving right past all those other stages and going straight to acceptance. Well, it was their time, time for them to go. No big deal. That sounds so callous now that I look back at it, but that's where I was at that time. But I had my first true grief experience as an adult when my brother passed away two and a half years ago.

Speaker 1: 9:11

In the last episode my sister and I talked a little bit about our brother. I look at grief like an ocean little island out in the middle of the Pacific and there were some beaches where the waves were nice and gentle, and then there were other beaches that would crash. The waves would just crash. And that's kind of the way grief is. Sometimes it's crashing, sometimes it knocks you off balance and sometimes it's just this gentle, soothing covering. Yeah, and when my sister and I were talking about my brother in the last episode, that brought forward some of those gentle grief waves.

Speaker 1: 9:55

Sunday in church we sang a song I'd never heard before, so I don't even remember the tune, but I can read to you what the lyrics were oh, the overwhelming, never-ending reckless love of God. It chases me down fights till I'm found. Never-ending reckless love of God. It chases me down fights till I'm found and leaves the 99. I couldn't earn it, I didn't deserve it. Still, you gave yourself away. Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God. And as I was singing this song, just waves of grief about my brother were coming back in. And then, of course, course, it had me thinking about my entire grief journey as it surrounds my brother. So we were living on Guam. I'm going to go ahead and share this story with you.

Speaker 1: 10:37

We were living on Guam and I was coming back to the States to visit. I had a retreat to go to and then I was going to stay for about a month and go visit family and friends all over the United States. We've got people everywhere. So after my retreat, I went to visit our oldest son in Northern California. I stayed there for about a week and then I flew to. Where did I go next? I flew to Florida to visit my dad and my brother. He was going to meet me in Florida and take a little road trip with me. My dad had been caring for my car while I was overseas, but I was going to take it up to my son in North Carolina and my brother was going to join me on that road trip, because I love road trips. He loves road trips and he was just so excited to be able to spend time with me.

Speaker 1: 11:28

As an adult We'd never really spent a lot of time together as adults. You know, we didn't have the best relationship as kids, as most people probably have that experience. And then, as we became adults, we each went our own ways and we did our own things and raised our families etc. Etc. So we didn't really have a whole lot of time together. And he reached out to me when he found out I was coming back and what my plans were and we were going to road trip together. I was so excited about that. So I'm at my dad's.

Speaker 1: 11:59

I had just gotten to my dad's, probably an hour before the phone rang and he called to let us know that they found a tumor in his colon and he was going in for surgery to have the blockage removed because it was cancer. And my dad and I flew out to Las Vegas to be there for his surgery and it was a beautiful time at his bedside and that was the beginning of his cancer journey. And his cancer was diagnosed and 84 days later he passed away. But we got the call from my sister-in-law that his time was coming close to an end. So I flew back to the United States to be at my brother's bedside. I had no return date. It was an open-ended ticket and I had been up until this point.

Speaker 1: 12:50

I had been doing so much personal work. I had been working with. I had worked with a therapist. I had worked with coaches. As an aromatherapist, I used my aromatherapy tools. As a holistic, intuitive healer, I did what I could for myself. It's always hard to work for yourself, healer. I did what I could for myself. It's always hard to work for yourself. It's so important to have other people who can speak into your life, which is why I was working with coaches to help me become a better me.

Speaker 1: 13:21

When he passed away and the days leading up to his passing, I allowed myself to feel. I allowed myself to his passing. I allowed myself to feel, I allowed myself to be present. I allowed myself to just experience being there. It's not like I've never been with someone who'd passed away before. I have. I've been with people who've passed away. I used to volunteer for hospice, I've been there at the bedside, but this was the first time I actually allowed myself the chance to grieve, the chance to feel the weight of his passing.

Speaker 1: 13:56

And then fast forward another year and we got word that my husband's time at his office in Guam was done and we were going to be moving back to the States. Well, I'd moved so many times before. No big deal, right? No big deal. Well, this time it was because I had allowed myself to experience my emotions. Working with my coaches, I had learned to connect with my emotions.

Speaker 1: 14:29

I believe that we are all born sensitive beings, every single one of us. The reason I believe that is because we need our senses to survive this life. We have to be able to feel, hear, see, touch, smell. We have to be able to do those things to be able to get through this life. How do you know something's hot if you can't feel that it's hot? Like? We need our senses, and when we're lacking a sense, the other senses are heightened. We are all born sensitive beings. We are meant to experience the full range of human emotion on this planet. That's part of our sensing. That's part of our ability to survive. So I had learned to allow myself to feel again. So here we are, leaving Guam and I'm thinking to myself no big deal, this is fine. We've moved so many times before, but this is the first time. We've been back in the States for a couple of years now, but I miss it. I actually grieve leaving Guam. I miss Guam, I miss my friends there, I miss my experience of the island. This is the first time I've ever missed somewhere that I've moved from. This is the first time I've ever longed to go back to somewhere and it's because I now allow myself to actually feel emotions.

Speaker 1: 15:47

Grief is an emotion. Grief is something we need to allow ourselves to feel, to again have that full experience of being human. But how can you move through the stages of grief? How can you make it through and still be okay? Because that feeling of loss again going back to the very beginning, whether it's a person, a pet, a place, an experience, regardless of what it is how in the world can you manage the heaviness of that grief? There are a lot of ways and you know what you can do a Google search. There are podcasts about grief, there are coaches that focus on grief, there are therapists that focus on grief. There is so much out there about grief, but my personal experience of grief the thing that helped me the most experience of grief, the thing that helped me the most.

Speaker 1: 16:54

I was participating in a mentorship program here where I live, and the topic that we were talking about was death one day and I shared this experience of being at my brother's bedside. But I also shared that I'm still struggling with it. And here it is, you know, a year and a half, two years later, still struggling with it. And at the time that I was in this mentorship program and all my aromatherapy friends out there might understand this I was experiencing phantasmia Now that's a fancy word for olfactory hallucination as I was going through this mentorship program. This went on for a couple of months. I was smelling cigarette smoke, cigarette smoke constantly, smelling cigarette smoke. Now, there's a number of possible reasons to experience phantasmia. It could be like sinus infection, migraines, head injuries, but I was experiencing it because of the loss. I was experiencing this phantasmia because my brain was struggling to make sense of this loss, to get through this grief. But I'm smelling this cigarette smoke constantly and it was just the weirdest experience.

Speaker 1: 18:06

And when I shared that in the mentoring group, my mentor, he said, well, have you worked your way through the grief? And I was like, well, not really. So he suggested and this is my first suggestion for you, if you're working through grief yourself, is to write a letter, and not just a letter about the grief, right? Not that A letter. I wrote a letter to my brother about all of the wonderful things I remember about him, all of the fun that we had growing up, the experiences that we shared, and it was really cathartic to write it all down and get it out of my head and out of my heart, because when you write things physically, write things with your hand, you use a different part of your brain. It wakes up new neural connections and new pathways. So writing that letter was a huge part of my grief process.

Speaker 1: 19:01

So if you're going through a stage of grief and again, doesn't matter what it's related to and I want to tell you this also Again, doesn't matter what it's related to, and I want to tell you this also no one can tell you and I want you to hear this no one can tell you that something is not worth grieving. No-transcript. Everyone on this planet is unique. Everyone is different. Every relationship we have, every connection that we make is unique to us. No one can tell you what is worth grieving and no one can tell you how long grief should last. No one. Do not let anyone ever tell you that. Anyone ever tell you that.

Speaker 1: 19:47

I had a friend one time, an older lady whose husband passed away and I was friends with one of her children. She called me one day, really, really, really upset, and this was several months after the passing of her husband. She called me really upset because her children were telling her that she needed to change the message on her answering machine because they didn't like calling and hearing their dad's voice. It was very hard for them. Well, I told her. I said you know what? That is your husband's voice. And she told me it gives her comfort to hear the voice. I said you tell your kids stop calling if it's too hard for them, because that's what's making it possible for you to get through the grief. Don't let anyone tell you how long grief should last, but writing that letter to my brother was a huge part of my grief process. So if you're going through a grief process, maybe writing a letter could be cathartic for you as well. So if you're going through a grief process, maybe writing a letter could be cathartic for you as well.

Speaker 1: 20:50

Like I said earlier, there are therapists that focus on grief. There's coaches that focus on grief. There are people who can walk beside you as you move through your grief. Just find ways to invite joy into your life. Find ways to bring joy into the grief. I know that sounds crazy, but it's totally possible. It is totally possible to find joy even through grief.

Speaker 1: 21:20

Grief takes its own time. Don't let anybody tell you how long your grief should last, and the timing is different for everyone and the timing is different for each grief situation. Just because it took, you know, six months for you to grieve one thing doesn't mean that's what it's going to be every single time Because, again, you are unique. The people, the animals, the things that you connect with are unique to you. Every single one of them is going to have its own grieving period. And be gracious with yourself, be gentle with yourself as you move through the stages, as you allow grief its time, as you allow grief it's time.

Speaker 1: 22:09

But the other thing I want to encourage you to do through grief is seek presence at all times. Seek presence at each of the stages of grief, whether you go through them quickly or you take your time moving through the stages. Go through each stage with presence, and I actually have a gift for you that might help. You know, what if you could slow down through the grief? What if you could breathe through the grief? And I know this sounds kind of counterintuitive, but what if you could actually enjoy the moment that you're in? Because sometimes grief is remembering the good things, right, but what if you could actually enjoy that moment without feeling guilt or without feeling stressed? How great would that be.

Speaker 1: 22:59

And that's exactly why I created Five Ways to Practice Presence. It's a free guide for you to help you feel more grounded and connected, reduce the overwhelm of the grief in just a few minutes a day, and to experience more peace, joy and clarity, no matter where you are, whether you're going through grief or you're just moving through life. Presence isn't about doing more. I want you to hear that Presence is not about doing more. It's about fully living in the moments that you have right now, and this guide gives you simple, practical ways to bring more mindfulness and calm into your everyday life, starting right now. So if you're ready to stop rushing through everything, especially the grief, right, like I used to do, moving right to acceptance, if you're ready to stop rushing through it and start truly living it, just download Five Ways to Practice Presence today, and I will include that link in the show notes. It's yours, it's free, just go grab it. And I want you to breathe in and exhale and allow grief its time. One more thing I want to tell you before we close today If you are not experiencing grief right now, but you have someone in your life who is, this is something that I found so helpful when I was outside of grief right.

Speaker 1: 24:33

Remember, at the beginning I said I didn't allow myself to grieve, but I could have empathy towards those who were and understand their experience. I had a friend this is a long time ago, decades ago whose husband passed away and I didn't reach out to her right away. And the reason I did that? Intentionally because in the moments immediately following the grief moment whether that's the passing of someone or the moving or whatever it is Usually in those first two weeks everybody in their pet monkey is reaching out. How can I help? Let me know if you need anything. Blah, blah, blah. Here's some food, here's a card, here's some flowers.

Speaker 1: 25:24

In those first two weeks you're inundated, right. You're surrounded by people, you're surrounded by love, you're surrounded by compassion. After those first two weeks, it kind of starts to taper off and you get the occasional card or the occasional hey, just checking in, but after about six weeks people forget. We are so forgetful, people are so forgetful. And after about six weeks people start to forget. People not start to. They have forgotten. They're caught up in their own lives, they're busy moving on. And here you are, six weeks out, and now the grief hits brand new. It hits all over again, because now you're alone. Now you're alone.

Speaker 1: 26:07

So I waited after my friend's husband passed away for a couple of months, and then I reached out hey, would you like to get together? Let's do something, let's go, let's do whatever, pick a thing that you enjoy doing with that person, because it's at that point where the loneliness really hits hard. So I encourage you, if you're not in a moment of grief, but you know someone who is, give yourself that few weeks and then check in with them and then invite them to go do something and then ask them how can I help? I think that is such a powerful question. Rather than let me know if you need anything, how can I help? How can I support you? I want to remind you, though, I'm not a grief coach. I've been there, I get it, I feel it, I know it, I've experienced it and I'm here for you. How can I support you?

Speaker 1: 27:08

Thanks so much for spending a little time with me today on the Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast. I hope you're walking away with something that sparks joy, hope or a fresh perspective for your journey. If you loved today's episode, let's keep the conversation going. You can find more inspiration, coaching tips and resources over at my website, LemonBalmcoachingcom. Don't forget to follow me on social media for encouragement and updates, and you'll find me on Instagram and Facebook at Lemon Balm Coaching. And hey, if you're looking for a supportive, uplifting community of amazing women just like you, come join us in the Reignite your Flame Facebook group. It's a safe, welcoming space where we share, grow and cheer each other on, and you can find the link on my website or just search for Reignite your Flame on Facebook. Remember, honey, just be yourself. The world needs what only you have to offer. Take care and I'll see you in the next episode.