Why Your Nervous System Needs a Village

What does it mean to truly support another human being? Not with empty phrases like "thoughts and prayers" or "reach out if you need anything," but with genuine, grounded presence that acknowledges our shared humanity.

This episode dives deep into the three fundamental needs hardwired into our nervous systems: love, safety, and belonging. These aren't optional luxuries—they're neurological imperatives for survival. When any one of these needs goes unmet, our brains panic as if our very lives are threatened. Many of us carry these deficits from childhood into adulthood, constantly searching for what we missed in relationships, communities, or even addictions.

The foundation for meeting these needs traditionally begins in family, but family takes many forms. Sometimes it's grandparents raising children, chosen family stepping up, or mentors filling crucial gaps. True support isn't about judgment or taking over—it's about asking "How can I help you today?" and then actually showing up. It might look like holding a baby so a mother can shower, respecting your adult children's parenting choices, or simply sitting in silence with someone who's struggling.

But, you know what? You can't effectively support others if you're dysregulated yourself. Your own healing journey must come first. By learning to regulate our emotions and nervous systems, we not only model wholeness for the next generation but create capacity for authentic connection in a world that desperately needs it.

Ready to break cycles and create ripples of positive change? Join our community of women walking the path toward greater peace, compassion, and wholeness. Connect with me on Instagram @LemonBalmCoaching or in our free Facebook community "Reignite Your Flame" where soul-tired women gather to find support, inspiration, and practical tools for their journey.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to True Support
• 1:51 What Support Really Looks Like
• 4:37 The Three Basic Survival Needs
• 7:35 Supporting Yourself to Support Others
• 10:18 Invitation and Closing Thoughts
• 12:24 Episode Wrap-Up and Resources

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:04

Hey friend, welcome back to the Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast. Today we're diving into a topic that I believe could change the way we show up for one another. Support, not just lip service or thoughts and prayers. Support, but real, grounded, life-giving presence. As women, moms, grandmas, aunties, friends we all play a role in shaping how the next generation experiences the three things that every single one of us was designed to need. Without those three things, our survival brain panics. With them, we thrive. Welcome to the Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast. I'm Melissa, your coach, cheerleader and maybe even a little bit like that mom who always has a warm hug and the best advice waiting for you. If you're a woman over 40 feeling like life's left you a little lost, aimless or downright stuck, you're in the right place. This is where your joy, your freedom and your purpose come back into focus. So grab a cup of something warm, settle in and let's start creating the next most beautiful chapter of your life together. Hey friends, welcome back to the show. If you are new here, hello, I'm Melissa. I am so glad that you're tuning in today.

Speaker 1: 1:22

If you've been around for a while, you know a couple of things about me. Number one I'm a realist. A lot of people think the glass is half empty or the glass is half full. I look at it and say what's inside. I'm pragmatic, I call things as they are, and I may not be an overly emotional person, but I am deeply compassionate. And today we're talking about something that sits at the core of who I am and what I believe the world needs more of right now, which is support. I am a mom of four. My oldest is in his forties, my youngest is in his thirties. I am a me-ma to five grandkids my oldest one is getting ready to start driving and my youngest one is just entering school. And I've walked along my kids through all kinds of seasons Kids, no kids, infertility, choosing not to have children. I've always believed that my role is not to pressure, manipulate, hover or guilt them, but to support them. You I'm sure have heard the phrase it takes a village to raise a child. Now, that doesn't mean swooping in and parenting everybody else's kids. What I think it means is creating a web of support so families don't have to do it alone. But what does support look like? Support can look like saying how can I help you? Today, a lot of people say reach out if you need something, but I don't know how many people actually say how can I show up for you today? So that's the first thing. Support looks like asking the right question how can I help you today? Support can also look like holding the baby so mama can take a shower or eat in peace. Support also looks like respecting your adult children's choices instead of undermining them with grandparent privileges.

Speaker 1: 3:23

I remember when my oldest son and his wife were planning on having their first child. People would come to me and say, oh, aren't you just looking forward to spoiling them? And I would reply with no, I'm looking forward to supporting my children and how they're going to raise their children. So you might be listening to this episode as a grandmother like me. You might be listening to this episode as a mom with older kids who maybe don't have their own kids yet, or you might be the awesome auntie who never had children of her own. You might be listening to this episode as a younger woman and wanting children.

Speaker 1: 4:03

Regardless of where you are, regardless of which stage you are at, regardless of what kind of woman you are, I want you to think about the ones in your life who are younger than you, the ones that we view as children, right, the ones that are younger than you, because, in my opinion, support isn't just for moms with babies. Support isn't just for moms with babies. It is about all of us, because every single one of us child, parent, grandparent, great grandparent we're designed with the three same basic survival needs. So this is the part I want you to lean into today. This is the part that makes all the difference. The three needs that we have. We need love, we need safety, we need belonging. Neurologically, these are not nice to haves. They are wired into your brain for survival. When one of them is missing, your nervous system panics as if you are literally going to die.

Speaker 1: 5:07

In a perfect world, a baby feels all three. The moment that they're born, the moment that they're laid into their mother's arms, love, safety and belonging exist Then dad, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, community. The family was designed as the foundation where these three basic needs are met. But I know that you know and all we have to do is look around at the world around us that not everyone got that. Not everyone felt love, safety and belonging in their family of origin. Many people didn't.

Speaker 1: 5:53

And those that do not get those three basic needs met, grow into adults who are still hustling for love and safety and belonging in all kinds of places. They look for it in relationships, addictions, fandoms, political parties, because our brains will find a way to fill that void. We will find it somewhere If we do not have love, safety and belonging, if we do not have love, safety and belonging, our brains will look for it anywhere they can find it. And this is why support matters so deeply, because family isn't always mom and dad and 2.5 kids, right. Sometimes it's a grandma that's raising the babies. Sometimes it's a chosen family, sometimes it's foster families, sometimes it's you, an aunt, a neighbor or a mentor that's stepping in to fill that void. When we as a society fail to support families, we're leaving the moms, the dads, the grandparents, the foster parents isolated and overwhelmed. When we shame women instead of asking how can I help, we're starving the next generation of their three needs of love, safety and belonging. But when we step in with humility and compassion, with humility and compassion, it creates ripple effects, positive ripple effects, ripple effects of love, safety and belonging.

Speaker 1: 7:36

It's easy to sit on the sidelines and judge parents right. How many of you have done this before you became a parent. I'd never let my kid do that. I'll never treat my child that way. But the truth is none of us know what we're going to do until we are in the thick of it, until we are stressed out to the max. But real, true support is not judgment, it is presence. Now I want to get spicy for just a second. How do we teach our children to be okay? How do we show them and let them experience that love, safety and belonging? The only way to do that is for you to be okay yourself.

Speaker 1: 8:15

If you do not know how to regulate yourself, your emotions, your triggers, your stress, you will have a hard time supporting others. You might think you're supporting them by showing up to help, but if you are stressed out while you're helping, you're not helping. As parents, we're meant to model regulation for our kids, but if you never learned how to regulate yourself, you are going to perpetuate that cycle. Even if you show up with a good heart to support someone who needs help, if you're showing up dysregulated and stressed out, you are continuing the cycle Support knowing how to support someone else. The cycle Support knowing how to support someone else starts with supporting yourself.

Speaker 1: 9:15

We have to learn how to regulate our own central nervous systems. We need to learn how to breathe deeply, pause, choose differently and we need to show the next generation what wholeness looks like. And what wholeness looks like. I'm not saying we have to arrive. We just have to be in the process of healing, because right now we are in a cultural moment where people are starving for love, safety and belonging. All you have to do is turn on the news, open up your social feeds to see the outcome of people who are starving for love, safety and belonging. The world feels off right now. The energy has shifted and everyone is feeling it, and if we don't step into our own healing journey, we will continue spiraling in hate and vitriol, venom and disconnection.

Speaker 1: 10:18

So here's my invitation for you Take a deep breath today and look around and ask the question how can I support the people in my life today? And ask the question how can I support the people in my life today? Maybe even go and ask them how can I support you today? Support doesn't have to be dramatic. We don't have to drop everything and run to someone's rescue. It could be a simple offer like hey, could I hold the baby for a little bit so you can take a breath. Hey, would you like me to come over and watch the kids for a while? Would you like to go grab a cup of coffee? Maybe you need to offer a word of encouragement to someone. Or, oh my gosh, and this is so powerful, you guys. Maybe support is just sitting in the mess with someone and not saying a word, and for you get curious about where you are trying to meet your needs for love, safety and belonging. Are you building them in healthy, life-giving ways, or are you hustling for scraps somewhere else? You do not have to do this alone, my friend.

Speaker 1: 11:28

This episode is all about support, and if you need support in your own healing journey, whether you're a mom, a grandma, an auntie or a woman trying to hold it all together, I am here to walk with you. You can reach out to me through the show notes or even come join my private Facebook community. I have a dream where our world is full of people walking around on their healing journey, people who don't give into triggers, people who don't live inside of their victimhood and their hate, but who live out peace, compassion and wholeness, and that starts with supporting you. So until next time, in the words of Truman from the Truman Show. Good afternoon, good evening and good night.

Speaker 1: 12:24

Thank you so much for listening today. Thank you so much for listening today. I am truly honored that you've spent this time with me and I hope you're walking away with something that brings you a little more peace, clarity and hope. If you want to keep the conversation going, you can connect with me over on Instagram at Lemon Balm Coaching, or join our free Facebook community. Reignite your Flame. It's where soul-tired women gather to find support, inspiration and real tools for their journey. You'll also find information at lemonbalmcoachingcom. If you enjoyed this episode, go ahead and follow the podcast, leave a quick review and share it with a friend who needs to hear the message. Every follow, review and share helps more women discover that they were designed to thrive. Until next time, keep breathing, keep leaning into what matters and keep choosing peace.