215 Gamer Guilt - Part 1

Gaming The System: Gamer Guilt Part 1 – Show Notes

🎮 Welcome back to Gaming The System! This week, Jem, Alex, and Matt dive into gamer guilt—that nagging feeling about how much time we spend gaming, what we play, and whether we’re making the “right” choices with our hobby.

This episode focuses on time, priorities, and responsibility—how we fit gaming into our lives, the social pressures that make us feel guilty, and how different perspectives shape our experiences.

What’s in this episode?

• ⏳ How much time do we actually spend gaming? The team compares their own gaming hours to UK averages and reflects on how those numbers shift with age, responsibilities, and life changes.
  
  🕰️ Matt: "Whenever I look at the amount of hours I've put into something, I think, ‘Oh, I'm so glad I've been able to pour so much time into this thing.’"
  
  
• ⚖️ The “right” way to spend free time? Why is gaming often seen as less valid than other hobbies, like sports or reading? How does guilt creep in when we could be doing something “more productive”?
  
  🤯 Alex: "My feelings of guilt really [are] based around the feeling that I'm not doing enough. Whatever enough means."
  
  
• 🤯 Social pressures & self-worth – From societal expectations to deeply ingrained personal guilt, the discussion takes a fascinating turn into the emotional labor women face, productivity culture, and even the pressure to have children.
  
  💭 Jem: "Lying on your couch and just thinking is not something that is at all encouraged these days...we're always encouraged to strive for the next thing and be making ourselves better, doing more things."
  
  
• 🎭 Personal experiences with guilt – Matt shares insights into how he’s built a gaming/life balance through structured routines, Alex discusses gaming as a solitary vs. social experience, and Jem reflects on juggling gaming with parenthood.
  
  🏗️ Matt: "If you can shrink the list of needs down to as small as you can and then turn to look at what do I want to do... 

 👀 Up next in Part 2 – We tackle spending guilt, game preferences, and the completionist trap. Plus, is screen time guilt real? And why do some hobbies feel more "productive" than gaming? Don’t miss it! 

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Transcript

Speaker: 0:15

Hello and welcome back to another episode of Gaming the System, the podcast where three intersectional feminists examine gaming and games through a feminist lens. I'm your host for today. I'm Gem and I'm here with my friends Alex and Matt. So before we get started, if you want to support us, you can subscribe to our patron at patreon. com forward slash gaming the system for some exclusive content, or you can send us a one off donation via PayPal to our email address. We are gaming the system at gmail. com.

Jem: 0:54

Today we are going to talk about gamer guilt. And this is really looking at the guilt that we feel around All aspects of gaming. So first of all, we're going to look at, time priorities and choices. And then in the second, half of this conversation, we're going to look at game preferences. spending and, completion guilt. So we're going to talk about all sorts of things within that. So hopefully we're going to cover it all, but I've talked a lot about my lack of time, that I'm very time poor when it comes to gaming. And that means that I spend quite a lot of time worrying about, whether I'm getting the most bang for my buck when it comes to my gaming time. So that means that I can spend a huge amount of time researching games that I want to play because I want to make sure that they're going to be enjoyable and actually possibly spend more time researching those games than actually playing them in some cases. So, I do spend a considerable amount of my gaming time. Researching and reading reviews and looking at and trying to decide. Obviously I must enjoy that because I wouldn't do it if I didn't enjoy it, I suppose. But, it's, it's an interesting thing because it all ties up with this idea of, of guilt around how much I play, how much I can play, what kind of games I'm playing and whether I'm getting the most out of it. And I just, I was thinking about this the other day. Because I was thinking about what game I wanted to play next. And I just thought, yeah, actually, this is a topic that I think we should discuss because I think it hooks into a wider issue around social attitudes towards gaming and gamers and what. It is to spend your free time or gaming or to refer to gaming as a hobby. How does that compare with say, I don't know, golf or football or any of these other things that you can do in your spare time. So the first section that I want to discuss is about time and responsibility, which is, something that is obviously quite close to my heart. So just to get an idea of what, where you guys are at, roughly how much time do you spend gaming on average?

Alex: 3:38

I think for me, it depends on what games we're talking about. If it's just average, I would say at the moment it's between 5 and 10 hours a week. But if it's a game that I've been waiting for for a long time that I know I'm going to be really excited to play, that probably raises up to like 15 to 20 hours for that time while I'm playing that game. It's a difficult one to quantify, obviously, because Every week is different, but yeah, I'd say it's somewhere between 5 and 10, on average.

Jem: 4:09

Okay, and what about you Matt?

Matt: 4:13

I managed to pack in about 40 hours

Alex: 4:16

Mm

Matt: 4:16

a week and this is, this conversation has come at a perfect time because at some point we're going to be talking about the completion, completionist

Alex: 4:29

Mm.

Matt: 4:30

and all of this comes down to what you, there are things that you need to do, things that you want to do and as long as you do the things you need to do then you can be free with what you want to do and I, even with playing, so, there is also the appreciation that I'm very, very fortunate to have that space in my life to spend doing this thing that I love.

Alex: 4:59

Mm.

Matt: 4:59

And, but I fit in everything in my life that I need to, and am able to play, that much.

Alex: 5:10

Mm. Mm. Mm Mm

Matt: 5:15

I've done a huge amount of work on guilt and shame associated with my life. And, the, uh, The amount of time that I spend gaming, whenever I look at the amount of hours I've put into something, I think, Oh, I'm so glad I've been able to pour so much time into this thing. To pour all the stuff, to get everything that I wanted to out of it.

Jem: 5:43

it's interesting because there's a big difference between what you guys have done.

Alex: 5:49

Mm. Yeah.

Jem: 5:50

time and I probably fall around the same amount of time as you Alex in that. and as you said, it goes up and down depending on what else is going on, which is probably the same for everyone and all of their hobbies. So according to my research, the Average amount of time that people spend gaming in the UK is, around 7 hours, 11 minutes per week. That was in the second quarter of 2023, which is very specific. it's, actually gone down by over an hour, since the same quarter the year before. I think we're far enough away with those dates from Covid to be able to discard that as a impactful factor. 13 to 15 year olds are playing around 11 hours, 40 minutes, so they're, pretty hardcore in that. And the 16 to 20 fours are. just under eight hours. The 25 to 34 age group are looking at around six hours, 50, So there's not a big difference in any of those brackets. And they haven't even listed people over 34, so who knows what they do? we don't care about them. men. Gay, more than women, and, about three hours a week more than men. Apparently, but the research didn't explain, whether they were talking about mobile games, because I bet that would be very difficult for people to necessarily track. Honestly, I think we're all unaware of how easily we pick up a mobile and play a game for a few minutes while we're waiting for, I don't know, the kettle to boil or the toast to pop. what you were saying, Matt, about shame and, and how our gaming impacts on that and what is and isn't socially acceptable is something that I spent a lot of time grappling with. many years ago when I was helping to run an online game and would spend considerable amount of time on there because not only was it a game that I played, it was also an online community that I supported and I had responsibility to ensure that I was actually helping to develop the game. So it was almost a job. I probably would have spent in excess of 40 hours a week doing that. And then, that would, that was sort of my base level. And then on top of that, I would then play other games. Because it was at that same time that I was playing Resident Evil and things like that as well. So, I was finding time to fit that in. In fairness, I was a student at the time, so I had time and then when I went into World of Warcraft days, again, I would get up and log on and I would be logged in until I went to bed. So I, I spent a lot of time wrangling with myself about how healthy that was and balancing the online socialising with the face to face socialising and is it as good for you to be in that online space? So yeah, it's something that I think is difficult to find an answer to and I think we just have to find our own answers. So, um, Have you ever felt guilty about the amount of time you spend gaming? What triggers you when, if you do feel any kind of guilt?

Alex: 9:52

This is a very reminiscent of recent therapy that I've been having, We talked a lot about my feelings of guilt and why. so I think for me, my feelings of guilt, really. based around, the feeling that I'm not doing enough. Whatever enough means. Which often I can't really identify what that means. I just always feel like I need to be doing something. something. practical and useful. and it does depend on, my level of self esteem at that particular point in time as well. If I'm feeling low. Then I'm going to be like, well you shouldn't be doing that, you need to be doing something else. And then when I'm feeling a little less low, obviously I'll be like, yay, time to do some gaming. This is my allotted gaming time, and I'll feel a lot less guilty about it. But also, it's about recognising, when gaming, it becomes almost a sort of procrastination tool, which we might come onto in future questions. But, it creates a different type of guilt when you realise that you are going to procrastinate from doing other stuff as well. that's all getting rather complex now, I'm sure. But, yeah, it's lots of different types of guilt can be produced. But, it's something that depends on. I think a lot of other stuff that's going on in, in your own life, and like how you're feeling mentally. but also I think a lot is tied into the pressures that women feel, and the like emotional labour, and the actual labour, labour that we all have to do as women in terms of looking after our household. And that pressure is always there, even if, We are doing enough, and people tell us we are doing enough, and like, we don't need to worry. I think I still feel that a lot of the time.

Jem: 11:45

I think that's a really valid, valid point. And I think that you hit the nail on the head. It is, it is something that I think is primarily experienced by women or most women experience it. I think men do too, because we live in a society that doesn't allow time to just be and explore yourself in, Ways that are not viewed as being productive as moving something forward. Aristotle and all the great thinkers would be horrified because they wouldn't be allowed to think. I mean, lying on your couch and just thinking is not something that is at all encouraged these days in many, many scenarios. And we're always encouraged to strive for the next thing and be making ourselves better, doing more things. So what about you, Matt? How, how do you I

Matt: 12:51

taken a long time to develop my personal routine and structure of my life to be Exactly what, have it be as bespoke to me as possible, because my life wouldn't, the way I live my life wouldn't be in any self help book. It wouldn't work for 99 percent of other people. And the, the, the real clarification and freedom that comes with really looking at, in the simplest terms, what do you actually need to do in life. And then, what do you want to do, which you're not always sure what you want to do. But then there's the what you should do. And what you should do gets shunted into the what we need to do pile forever. And then if you try and, it's a, it's a vicious circle of going, Oh, but if you do this thing, then you'll be enough, then you'll matter. But then there's always another thing, which keeps you going round and round in that negative circle of thinking, I'm not enough, I'm not enough, I'm still not enough. And there's no amount of work that you can put in to, to fill that hole to answer that. So you take should out of the equation entirely, which is so difficult. It's so difficult to, um, to untether yourself from all the pressures that you've developed out your entire life going, Oh yeah, you can just the vast, vast, vast, majority of things are that. you should be doing, you don't need to do at all and don't matter. And then you, then it gets you down to thinking, okay, the things I need to do, I need to eat, I need to sleep, I need to drink, I need to, for most people, work full time job, which is, again, something I'm very, very fortunate that I, I don't. I'm not in a position where I need to do that at the moment. And of course, those, when you're spending 40, 50, 60 hours a week doing that, then that's something you go, Well, I need to do that. And if you can, you can shrink the list of needs down to as small as you can. And then turn to look at, what do I want to do? And then I, I, I, this only occurred to me for the first time. I wonder if, Alex, it's something that you feel either, Like, pressure about, or feelings about, or Gem, if you, if you had this in the past, that women are told your only point on earth is to have children. And as long as you don't have a child, then you're feeling that negative pressure. Even if, as feminists you go, I know that my, my, my point on earth is to be myself and to live my life. It's got nothing to do with having one of the most difficult jobs possible. And as long as you're going, I'm, oh, I feel good about myself. And then this massive lifelong pressure comes along, but you haven't done me yet! How can you possibly feel good about yourself until you've done this? And then you go, but I don't want to do that, and it goes, I don't care! And traps you like that, so is that, is that something you too

Alex: 16:30

Yeah, it's a really interesting point, Matt. I think it's even more complex when you add societies perceptions of disability into the mix. Because so often disabled women, well, disabled people generally, are not thought of as people that can have children. Or that have children or are parents or, or have relationships or whatever else. So there's this weird thing where, as a woman you're like, oh, this is what the society expects of me. And then society is telling you that, oh no, but you won't have children anyway, will you? you don't do that sort of thing. So it's like a weird juxtaposition, I think there's always like that outside background pressure that, that people feel based on who they are as a person, that society kind of puts down on them. It's a tricky one, definitely.

Jem: 17:30

think as you say, it's got so many factors that are at play, it is a challenging one to answer. Back in my unenlightened days, I did feel that my primary purpose as a human being was to procreate. I felt that was what humans are on this planet to do. And I did feel that having a child would, level me up in some way. And I did feel that it would. resolve those feelings of I need to be doing something because then I would have done the thing that I need to do, the thing that I'm here for. I can categorically state that is not how it goes. That's not how it feels. It's not what happened. you know, I'm sorry. Blessed to have, um, a child and to have had that experience and I adore her, but, it didn't stop me feeling like I should be getting on and doing something. I thought that it would make me feel like I was, Doing everything I needed to be doing and that all those shoulds would go, but they haven't. I still feel like I should be doing that and all those other things now. So actually it just added to the pot. But yes, I think there's definitely a feeling that, that is where we should be working towards and how we should be spending our time. That our main job is to find a mate, make a nest and have. I think it takes, that takes up a lot of the space that could be filled with gaming. And adds to the shame of, and guilt around gaming. that was heavy, that was heavy. Thinking about this whole idea of shame and guilt, I'm interested in how you rate gaming alongside other things. I was gaming, hardcore gaming, in World of Warcraft while I was pregnant and in the first sort of eight months of My daughter's life, and I did find that extremely challenging and very conflicting. And I had a lot of issues around how do you balance that? but I was still expected to turn up for raids so there was a responsibility on me, and a lot of the people in my online space didn't know that I was a mum, that I was a new mum, and I didn't want them to know, So I wasn't able to give those excuses. so by my own design, I got myself into this pickle where I felt the pressure to be available, as available as I had been before I had my child, whilst also dealing with the chaos of a new baby. But if we think about what about, relationships like your family relationships and your, partner relationships or friendship or real world connections that perhaps You're having to balance with your gaming experience. Mm hmm.

Matt: 21:02

get very easily lumped into a need to do category, where some of them, where really all your relationships are a thing you want to do. You could, you could emigrate to Spain, Gem, You could, and you're not gonna die if that happens. But, you probably shouldn't do it, and I doubt you would. But, plenty of, plenty of people are stuck in unhealthy, or unhappy, or un, un Just, relationships that don't give them stuff, that don't And that's, that's, uh, a hard thing to accept, that these things that you feel like responsibilities around and this can include jobs as well. I think oh if I leave this job but I, I fill this particular position what will they do without me? you go yep that's true

Alex: 22:01

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Matt: 22:03

You can't base your life on being something for other people. And that's a very, very difficult cause it is very easy to overdo it, to shut yourself off entirely and go, I don't want to do anything to do with people. But again, part of the clarification of my life of things splitting between needing and wanting and shoulds and responsibilities is going all my responsibilities. I've got my family, I've got a couple of friends and I have my goals. My I'm very ambitious. I have massive ambitions for lots of different areas. and having chopped up my routine into the needs and the wants, um, and removing as much of the bullshit shoulds as I can, it's much easier to pace yourself as I build, as I build the things I want to build. So I'm going, I've scrolled for such a long time, I have such a manic approach to things. I just want to do them and do them and do them and do them and do them until they're done. Because then like when having a child you think, oh once I've crossed that goal post everything will be fine from there on. But then that leads, that's a cycle of burnout. You do too much, you crash, you do too much, you crash. Whereas if you do something it's like 15 minutes three days a week and then in a year's time you won't have crashed and you've gone much further. And then I've, I've built in. So, for example, my game design stuff, uh, like the last two years I've done nearly two hours a week, every week, and not burnt out once. And,

Alex: 24:02

Uh, Um,

Matt: 24:04

you go, right, I'm doing this chunk every week, it allows me to relax into the time where I'm not having to do anything. And, so it's a very complex relationship to build up that really no one else can do for you. You really do need to discover that on your

Jem: 24:24

do you actually structure your week? I'm going to spend X amount of time doing this and this is free time. And you can put what you like in there, or do you just wake up in the day and sort of decide how you're feeling that day?

Matt: 24:37

I will preface this with saying that it has been a five year journey getting to this point because it's something that my, my psychiatrist who, uh, is just an unbelievable man, what he's been able to support me to be able to do. Starting from, it's called graded exercise therapy. It's the approach where you start, you do something, there's no size too small to start something, and then there's no speed too slow to build it up. So I started off having no structure whatsoever, and was in as bad a state as I'd ever been. And I started off going for a walk for five minutes, five days a week. And over the course of six months Built that up to half an hour five days a week and that was the start of it. It was that and Him sorting out my sleeping pattern that I hadn't I had no idea that and sleep is the the foundation for my entire day now and So that was that's that's an indicator of where I started about five years ago To build up to where I am now and it has not just been a straight Oh, this is the next step, and the next step, and the next step. It's been so much up and down, up and down. So at the moment, I, I wake up and go to bed at the same, the same time every day. Uh, no matter what, no matter what I'm doing in the day or whatever, I play Hitman for the first hour that I wake up, and the last hour before I go to bed. Because it's my ultimate, mindful, reset place. Where, because I, I, I have that, I have to fight that manic drive to do things all the time. And as long as I start every day that exact same way, it gives me more space for the rest of the day to have that free. And then I have my walk that I do five days a week, I have the gym that I normally do three days a week, I have therapy twice a week, I nap, I have a nap every day. And then, outside of those things, so I, and I would do, when I was doing the game, so I'm taking a break from it, I would do that for a set amount of time each week. And then in the in between times, that's my complete free reign to do whatever I want. Because even when I, when I write down the list of the things I'm going to do, I look at it and go, that seems like plenty.

Alex: 27:22

Yeah.

Matt: 27:22

Just saying it then just takes a few minutes going, that seems like, that seems like plenty to be getting on with to have planned. And if I say to myself, right, you've got to do that and have a child, I'm more likely to go, why would I, what are you talking about? And then, I'll, I'll, well, I'll save the raw dogging, I'm trying to wait for the perfect opportunity for the raw dogging life bit to come up, so we've got that fun bit to look forward to. But yeah, the building up of doing the minimum that I need to do to get what I want. And then outside of that, it's about packing in as much stuff as I want to, which is my, why I'm so angry at life raw doggers.

Alex: 28:07

Mm.

Jem: 28:07

thank you so much for sharing that. I've heard of that technique, or at least similar ones, And it, it sounds much more achievable than what were so often recommended to do from social media and other life gurus, which is just, Oh, just change everything overnight, and we're not like that. We're not those kind of creatures. So I found that really interesting. what I'm getting from what you've just described is that by having that structured time with that, with your needs, then it gives you space to allow yourself to. Indulge the wants, and that's a really nice way of balancing it, Yeah, really interesting. Thank you for sharing that, Matt.

Alex: 28:53

Mm.

Matt: 28:53

Ah, please, it's one of those things where I, I, I struggle, I still struggle constantly with the Am I doing enough? Am I doing enough? What do I want to do to get where I want to go? And these support structures support me in those places. So doing the things that I want to do as much as I'm able to supports me building my capacity to do the things that I need to do. And then doing the things I need to do makes me feel good that I get to do the other

Jem: 29:31

helps you to recharge. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So what about you, Alex? Yeah.

Alex: 29:41

and, um, it's interesting, I've been with my partner for, almost to as long as we've been doing this podcast, so five years. we've known each other for a little bit longer actually, nearly 10 years now. but it's interesting because when you talk about how do you manage the balance, I think that depends on how you use gaming and view gaming. Because an interesting kind of comparison between me and my partner is that I think Tom tends to game for socializing a lot more. So he games a lot more with groups of friends online. And I use gaming as a very sort of solo, or unless I'm playing with him, a solo activity. So I tend to view gaming as more of a treat or a reward to do after I've done the things I should be doing, or the errands that I need to be doing, or whatever else it is that I feel like, okay I've done that now I can do this thing. But I think for Tom, gaming is much more a part of his weekly routine. he has set days where he's doing D& D on this night, and then he's got another group that he does a different D& D with on another night, and then extra gaming with other friends on another night. yeah. And it has been interesting, really, thinking about that, and the kinds of, well not issues, but like, feelings it creates within the relationship, because living where we are. Tom has a lot more local friends than I do. And as I've said, I don't tend to game that socially, because not many of my friends are gamers. So it did at one stage create a little bit of tension, in that I felt like I was being left on my own, and I had to work through a lot of feelings of thinking about, is it lots of feelings of jealousy, that I'm feeling that I don't get enough social time with people, and he is getting more than He should. but actually, it takes a lot to step back and think, what is causing that feeling of jealousy and stuff? So it brings up a lot of, it brings up a lot of complicated things. But I think that's what's so interesting about it is, The seemingly innocent hobby is actually doing a lot in our lives, and it's impacting our lives in lots of different ways. So it's super interesting to think about.

Jem: 32:07

It impacts our lives in ways that, very different from say, TV watching or, you know, those sorts of things.