From Dealer to Healer - A Story of Love & Redemption | Sean Hemeon

 In this powerful episode, Tiffanie speaks with actor and author Sean Hemeon about his extraordinary journey from a troubled past to a hopeful future. Sean, known for his roles in "True Blood" and "Criminal Minds," shares his life as a gay Mormon in Virginia, his descent into addiction, and his former life as a drug dealer.

He reveals the heartbreak, the turning points, and the resilience that led him to sobriety and inspired his book The Good Little Drug Lord. Sean's story is raw, emotional, and full of lessons on love, loss, and reclaiming self-worth. Don’t miss this unforgettable conversation about redemption and the power of second chances.

Join us as Sean Hemeon shares his story of survival, accountability, and the ongoing healing process.

How to contact:
https://www.seanhemeon.com/
https://www.instagram.com/sean_hemeon
Follow Sean on Instagram for updates on his book release.

Transcript

Tiffanie speaks with author Sean Hemion about self love and acceptance

>> Tiffanie: Do you find yourself in a constant battle for self love and acceptance? If so, you're in the right place. This is True Crime Connections, and I'm Tiffanie, your host. With me this week, you may recognize from TV shows like 91 1, Trueblad, Criminal Minds, Sean Hemion, who can now also add author to the list. So. Hello, Sean, and welcome.

>> Sean Hemeon: Thank you, Tiffanie. Happy to be here. love talking about this stuff.


The Good Little Drug Lord is a memoir that may be a tear jerker

Oh, yeah.

>> Tiffanie: So you wrote the book the Good Little Drug Lord?

>> Sean Hemeon: Yes.

>> Tiffanie: I have to say, this seems so intriguing, but it might also be a tear jerker.

>> Sean Hemeon: Yeah, well, yeah, well, that's a given. I mean, stories of redemption, you know, that kind. Like, it's. It's. I would hope it is, but I definitely. I have to say there. When I started writing the book, the title at the time was I don't want this to be sad. Because literally when I started writing it, I just went and I just. I don't want this to be sad. And I was like, oh, wait, maybe that's the title. And that's what it was for a little while. Because I just can't stand. I don't. I don't want to read the melodrama. I don't want to read. I. I'm not a fan of the memoirs that really, like, what's the word? They. They make. It's like grief porn. It's like, it's masturbatory. It's about. You know, which is also why this took 20 years not to write, but for me to get to a place to share the story. Because my first 10 years, you know, in recovery, this story was like my glory piece. It was like, look what I did. and it's not something to be proud of.

>> Tiffanie: Right? But you have to look. So, like, where you are now, you're also 20 years sober, which is amazing. You went back to college, you got your BA in creative writing. I mean, look at you go on with your bad self.

>> Sean Hemeon: and I actually am doing the acting thing because 20 years ago it was just a thing, but now I'm actually doing the thing, so.

>> Tiffanie: Well, I think you've always been doing the thing. So where does this story begin?

>> Sean Hemeon: Oh, boy. well, I should first say the book isn't out yet, so hopefully we. I can come back and, hey, Tiffanie, it's coming out. Let's do a quick little thing and be like, hey, did y'all love that podcast? Get ready for the real thing. You know, but in the book, I'm just referring to the book just because I Think it's a good starting place, which was when I came out at 19. Because the, the main rise and fall of this drug dealing narc story starts at roughly around 19, but it peaks around 21, 22, 23. I got sober at 23. So just to give some context, I'm from Northern Virginia originally. So Washington D.C. was my playground. So I started 19. And a little backstory with that was my. So I was raised Mormon, which is just another fun piece to this outrageous puzzle.


Mormon upbringing made me gay, according to Virginia Richmond

And what is, it's like, what would, what's the most tragic case? Well, you make the Mormon kid gay. Like just like, let's just pile it on there. And you know, I, when I was in high school, my I have three older, there's seven of us and so I have three older brothers. And you know, we're, we're all very athletic, so just naturally. Cuz they were jocks, sports legacy. They were automatically popular. So you know, when I came into high school, oh, you're Hem. You're a Hemian. You know, it automatically made me like popular and I was like whatever. But the problem with that was I was realizing I was gay and I couldn't hide it. I, I mean, I had to desperately hide it. So I was like trying to be a good Mormon boy, but like a cool jock dude. This is the 90s, so it's like the Mormons and the straight culture was like, you just, you can't be gay. Not good. not good at all. So needless to say, I wasn't the biggest fan of myself. And because of the Mormon upbringing, I definitely thought like God was punishing me to the point where as a 13 year old IT, this is just wrong. But as a 13 year old I just, I thought I wanted to die, which, which is the truth. But you know, I always say like, love saved me. I'm teasing. But it's true. Because my my best friend, who I met in 8th grade became my undercover boyfriend. And this is, this is in the book. This is a whole. I go backwards in time because I try to understand how this adorable little Mormon boy could become this drug lord, narc for the federal government dealing with Russian mafia. It's. I'll get there, I'll get there, but I'm just, just setting it up, the scene. So when I came out at 19, this person, this best friend, we had a terrible breakup. He became my entire world because our relationship was secret. It was like Romeo and Romeo, like we were hiding in the shadows. His home, Situation was so bad, he even lived at my home my junior year of high school, which is no teenager's equipped to even date, but let alone live with the person you're dating undercover. And other things happened that led to our breakup when I was 19. And because this person truly became my entire world, I had no other reason to like, live. I mean, that's just how I felt. I really, it was more. I really. It was more that I felt so much pain and I didn't know what to do with it, cuz I did not. I was not talking to anybody. And I discovered one weekend that like, you know, cutting myself with a razor felt better than the pain I felt inside. That was one weekend. Then the next weekend after our really definite, definite breakup, him leaving me for somebody else. Super melodramatic drama of a teenage. I did attempt more harm that my. When my mother discovered me, it looked pretty clear that like, yeah, if somebody didn't discover me in a few hours, I could have left the planet at that time. I was okay with that. So it starts at 19 with my outing, which was my mother finding me with bloody wrists. And I'm laughing because it's just ridiculous. It's absurd. And so we, I start with the therapist and who said if I got stitches they would have to report me. And so we decided to do that. So, and then afterwards I go to P. F Chang's with my mother and I come out to her and I'm like, ah. And the first thing she says to me was, do you have aids? I was like, what? Do I have aids? And then she was concerned about having grandchildren. It was like, come on mom. So now I'm going to fast forward a little bit, just, just for the benefit of the time that we have and everything. But from 19 to like 21, I was experimenting. I was experiencing being out. I was at theater school, so that helped. In Richmond, Virginia, at vcu, I started dating somebody else and he was an only child and his mother was very accepting of him. So watching him being out, it was, you know, I even tried to live in New York near him. But 911 happened and it sent me back to, you know, VCU. But all the while my. I wasn't doing anything to deal with all that pain and that angst that I developed through the years. And so I was drinking more M. I was drinking a lot more. I was experimenting with heavier drugs and heavier drugs. And then when that guy that I was dating and I broke up, my. My whole system was like, oh my God, another breakup we won't survive because the previous one I seriously tried to hurt myself. So I dove heavier into the club scene in D.C. which just means heavier drugs. You know, I abstained from doing crystal meth at that time. But you know, ecstasy, maybe a little ketamine here. All the, the fun party drugs, lots of cocaine, which truth be told, I hated because the second I would do it I would want more. And I just hated that. I was like, why do people do this? You just do it and you want more. And I didn't understand it, but I still did it. So I'm struggling to stay. As long as I stay in school, theater school of all places, as I'm struggling, I'm staying in school. If I can stay in school, then it means I don't have a problem. I mean I'm blacking out, drinking, I'm, you know, I'm, I'm missing Monday classes. Cause I'm staying through the weekends. I meet I meet a drug dealer who. This is the, this is the gay scene of DC and the party scene for gay boys is still to this day. They love circuit parties. They love. Circuit party is like a weekend bender. I, I don't know who your fans are that listen to this, but circuit parties are like one off huge dance parties in New York and there's, they're Fort Lauderdale and all across the country and stuff. And so people go dance and do lots of drugs. I started dating this dealer and I was so it was thrilling to be brought into this drug dealing world. But I didn't, I wasn't fully in it. Cuz I was, I was the mob wife. I was the I was, I was the kept boy.


My boyfriend was a successful drug dealer. And, and as I was observing him, I realized

Like I was like I was still on the outside. Cause I just could watch him. And the amount of drugs of usually in this world this is like the party scene. So this is definitely like baseline methamphetamine. This is like you know, quarters ounces, eight balls. I hadn't seen pounds just yet. I'll get there, but. And you know, bags of ecstasy. I think they call it molly now. Cause I'm so old they call it molly. but you know, ghb, like these kinds of drug, anything anybody really wanted they could get. And then suddenly I have this feeling like, oh my God, my life before this was not the real life. Because now I'm in the underbelly of society in the world. Like this is how, yeah, this is how the world really works. Like, because some of his clients were like, this is D.C. we're like campaign managers. We're like. Judges were high powered lawyers. And like, I was so, like, enthralled by that. One of them was a former pop star. I won't give that person's name, but I was just so, I was so like, this is what, this is. This is how the world really works. Yes, this is it. You know, and it was, it was thrilling. And of course it was thrilling because it was new and. And I'm still safe on the outside. but what, see, what had happened was I observed him doing, I observed him dealing. And I began to fantasize and wonder, like, what that, what that feels like. Because now, my goodness, you know, I. I was trying to be an actor. And yes, I felt powerless in my life. So the fantasy of being a successful actor meant power, meant people love me, meant I was enough, all those things. And. And then I turn and I watch how my drug dealer boyfriend is treated by everybody in the club. Or, I mean, like, it's more than celebrity. It's like the Messiah arrived at the after hours. Like, like. And then I hated when other dealers, if you needed to get drugs from them, they would do the whole. You'd have to do a whole song and dance and praise them. I just could, I couldn't stand that. That's why I dated him, so I could have an endless supply. But I was enthralled by just this power I saw, just this seduction, just this like, wow. And I want to know what that felt like. And, and as I was observing him, I realized, like, a successful, I don't know, as successful as he was at dealing, he was awful at it. Like, he was so unreliable. He was so, you know, he would make people do the song and dance crap. Like, he just wrote on the power that he had over people and stuff. And so as my addiction incre, you know, accelerated because by this point when he was out the first time he was out of drugs and needed to re up, we were coming down and it was an awful experience. And by this point, I'm starting to use on the weekends, like Friday into Monday and then not like Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. But I'm a month away from using every day and I'm barely hanging on in college, at theater school, the professors are starting to speak with me and threaten to kick me out and stuff. But one night he loved ketamine, which was. It's a fricking horse cat tranquilizer. And, you know, he would zonk out. And one night he did that and his Phone was blowing up. I mean, blowing up. He forgot to, like, he re it up. He got more, but he didn't distribute it to, like, all of his clients. And so his phone was blowing up. And, you know, there's sex addicts that want their drugs for their. Their orgy party. There's crazy tweakers in some random hotel that just want to tweak out. There's other friends. I don't. The list goes on. And. And I picked up the phone and I answered because I recognized one of the numbers was like his main client, like the, the guy that actually had like millions of dollars. And he asked me to come deliver, you know, drugs to them. And so I'm. I'm looking. I know, I know my dealer boyfriend's gonna be pissed off. He's gonna think I'm trying to steal everything. But I was like, oh. And then he offered to give me money to come deliver it. I was like, okay, actually, I'm doing a good thing. I'm saving his business. So I deliver it to that guy. And I'm like, sweet. Yeah. You know, and it felt like he pulled out the red carpet for me. I got all the attention and I, you know, it was, He was having, ah, a couple of men over who were definitely not dressed when I got there. But I don't know your listeners, so I'm keeping this sort of like PG13 slash R. But I won't dive too much into. I'll just get to the good stuff. it's not great stuff, but anyway, the phone kept going off and I was so proud of myself that I kept. I delivered the whole rest of the night to like, many other clients. And I was like, this is amazing. And I came back. I must have, I'm. I. I must have made him only like a couple thousand dollars, but, you know, I'm 20 and like, holding thousands of dollars in my hand felt like hundreds of thousands in my hand now. And so I was so proud of myself that I came back. Oh, I should state that part of the glamour with the drug dealer boyfriend was he lived in hotels and he would get two rooms, one on a lower floor where he would just keep the drugs, period, in the safe, and then one on the other floor where he would hang out and sleep and that kind of stuff. And so I lived with, you know, I would always be with him in hotels and suites for months. And this was how he operated. So I came back to the hotel, he was awake, he was pissed, he was throwing shit at me. He was, like, freaking out. He was like, I knew you wanted to steal my business and, like, threaten me and all these things to the point where I was so high and resentful at that point that I said, oh, you think I'm trying to steal your business?


I was determined to not be like the other dealers. I knew I could do this better than him

Okay, fine. Watch me. So I stupidly, you know, I was just. You know, it was almost like a climax, too, of all my life up to that point, of people telling me what I can and can't do. And it just peaked in that moment of, like, I can do this. And I knew, too. I was good at it. I was charming. I was reliable. I knew I could do this better than him. And I. I was determined to not be like the other dealers. This is stupid, I know, but this is like the Mormon part of me coming out. Like, I'm just gonna be a good boy. I'm gonna be a good Mormon dealer. Like, I'm gonna be noble and not lie to people and be responsible. So I enlisted some friends, some addict friends that. To help me. I got a guy to front me some drugs. Then I went to the club, and I started selling it, and I was like, see, I can do this. This is easy. But after, like, two weeks of doing that, he had, like, control of a lot of the clubs. When I say that, he just had, you know, ends with security and stuff. So one of the nice. He sent the security after me, and they took all my drugs and my profit and kicked me out and banned me from the club. And I was, like, just upset, pissed off. And I was like, this means I should take this as a sign. Go back to school. Don't do this. But it just pissed me off more. And then I was like, okay, all right, you know what? I'm gonna start a business in Richmond where I was at school, so I can prove that I'm still, like, you know, not. I can prove I'm still good, because I'm gonna go back to school, and I don't have a problem. And so I went back down to Richmond for, like, a month or two to finish out the semester, and I started dealing down there. There was no, like, buddy who had meth. So I was like. I was like a, kingpin right away. It was, like, the biggest deal that I had, all this stuff. And so I built my little tiny mini empire down there. And then I brought it back up to D.C. to start. My goal was to steal his clients, because then I was like, I can steal his clients and then prove I'm better than him. And like, fuck you. Goodbye. I'm gonna move on with my life and go back to being an actor who's trying to be famous.

>> Tiffanie: You already broke like the number one rule. You don't get high.

>> Sean Hemeon: Oh, that's impossible. I mean, by this point I'm using every day. Like, I mean, by the end of the semester of school, like I am high. I forgot already what it's like to be sober. Right. So school didn't work out because I effed up my finals because I fell asleep at the wheel and crashed my car and I couldn't get down to my finals. That's. I'm. I'm going to jump a few stories and leave them in the book. Cause that's a thrilling thing that happened. Anyway, I, I was very successful. I keep doing this. Successful at stealing some of his clients. And it just pissed him off so much more. And I felt satisfied. I felt like, okay, I can leave this world. I experienced it. I'm gonna get out. This is good. My resentment is over, like F him. I proved him wrong. And maybe I'll just go back to doing this on the weekends and you know, I, it's a little scary that I don't know what it's like to be sober. Okay, this is. Okay. All right, cool. I'm gonna, I'm gonna go. I'm going to go to community college. Cause I was kicked out of the VCU1 and enough kicked out. I, well, failed out and I'm going to get back on my path. This is good. I'm going to do this. And on the weekend where I'm like settling all of that in D.C. i have one more face off with the dealer. I, you know, like, you're nothing. I proved you wrong. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, sorry. You know what happened? You see what had happened was there was this, there's this guy that was out there. He was this big, like, he was Sicilian, but he was like black Sicilian. So he was like dark skinned, but he was big guy. And if you saw him on the street, you'd be like, that dude is like a hitman for some mob thing. And the straightest guy ever, he was very gay, but he was very straight acting. But he was very intimidating and he would do anything for meth. And so it was known that he would like go pick fights because somebody gave him meth and said, go fight that person or dangerous stuff like that. So we're in the club and I'm sort of celebrating my win of, you know, stealing his clients and doing well, and I feel this fist just across my face. And I look and it's. It's that guy. And I'm just like, what the. Like, what's happening? And then he comes at me, tries to tackle me, but somehow I squeeze his head between my legs and I just start.


Police arrested me after finding drugs and money in my car

Start hitting. Cause I don't know what to do. So I'm hitting the back of his head, and I feels like I'm doing this for 10 minutes. And it probably was 10 seconds. And I look up, I'm like, well, somebody help this guy. Get him off me. And I knew the owner of the club at that point pretty well. So he came into the rescue and sent this guy away. But I was pissed. Cause I knew the dealer boyfriend sent this guy after me. So I was like, I'm gonna go tell him what's up. And I did, you know, tell him I. I beat him at his own game. I'm better than him. And resentment. Resentment. I hate the world. I hate you. Da da da da da. Goodbye. And so I was, like, satisfied. I got back in my car. It was the middle of winter. And I was like, this is. I did it. I'm a. I'm. Yes. And I, My car is on, the heater's going. And I fall asleep. I fall asleep. And then I wake up, however many hours later, it's still dark. Tap, tap, tap. And I look up and it's a police officer. And I didn't know that my license was suspended due to that. Falling asleep at the wheel. Running away from the scene with my car that I totaled under the back of a Mack truck. So they had every right to search me and, Every right to put me in handcuffs after they found the plethora of drugs and money and other drugs and paraphernalia and scales and baggies and, every. They found everything. This was February 28, 2003. And I was carded in front of a judge. I had to stay in pri. So it, The jails in D.C. were giant cells, like, I don't know, a 20 by 20 foot room. And D.C. is, at that time too, was, There's a lot of racism in the judicial system. So, like, I was put into the cell. One of three white guys in a room of 50. You know, it was just. It was just. They called me White Bread. Oh, hey, White Bread. And that's what they. And so I was carted in front of a judge after spending the weekend there. And, Oh, this is. Oh, I gotta. There's so much to the story. But I was. I was released. And a few days later, investigators reached out to me and wanted to work some kind of plea deal if I became some kind of informant. And I was like, I don't. I don't. I watched all the movies. What do you mean? What? No, like, nobody. You don't rat. You don't do that. What do you mean? So I go to the meeting. At least. At least go to the meeting. And I made it seem like the stuff that they caught me with, or at least this is what I told myself, that. That I was holding for somebody else. And, But it was enough where they were like, oh, I know. I mean, it was like, that was my friends. I was just holding. That's what I told my parents and my very naive Mormon mother. My dad, by the way, was not Mormon. So he just kept rolling his eyes at me. My dad was like, street wise, which is. My mother was like, well, you should talk to that friend. Tell him to talk to the police. I'm like, like, no, that's just not how this. Just not how this works. But they. So in the meeting, in the investig debriefing, which was like. In this boardroom in like those giant m. You know, marble interior. If you've been to dc, every building is just like these cement blocks and stuff and giant seal of the United States right behind me. Because everything in D.C. it's federal ground, period. So you're arrested, it's automatically federal. And they in so many words, I said, I'm nobody. I can't get you information.


When they wanted me to sign the informant deal, but they said in so many words

When they wanted me to sign the informant deal, but they said in so many words that they're not idiots. They know I'm dealing, but they want me to keep dealing because they want me to get the information from somebody higher that they would help build a case around or something like that. That's how I became kind of this informant to them. So then I was released and word traveled fast that I was arrested. So nobody in D.C. would deal with me or talk with me. And so I was like, fuck, fuck. I have to keep dealing to get information to give to the investigators so I don't go to prison. But nobody in D.C. will deal with me, so what the fuck do I do? Of course, my drug dealer ex boyfriend was very accommodating and like, oh, come here. Because, you know, whispers were that he called the cops on me when I was in the car. So we don't know that answer yet. But he was definitely very. He was madly in love with me. So like I was suffering. So of course he was like, oh, come here, will take care of you. And I was happy to take his drugs. And to him, I to him, he won, you know, and that, you know, he got what he wanted. I was arrested. I'm out of the game, but I'm, but I'm not out of the game. In fact, I'm deeper in the game. in fact, I have to go deeper in the game. In fact, I have to get bigger. Like, I have to, like nobody in D.C. would deal with me. But how do I get information from somebody in D.C. to give to these investigators? What the fuck do I do? What the fuck do I do? And then I go, I figure out that I can go to these circuit parties that I described earlier. And there's always, like, always people using who, can connect you to a dealer and then a dealer can connect you to potentially to a supplier. Supplier would be like one or two people away from basically the cartels. Cuz those are the ones that were really bringing the meth in. So I started going traveling. I started traveling getting meth out of, out of D.C. i would go to, I'd go to Fort Lauderdale, I'd go to New Orleans, I go to Atlanta. And now I had a ticking clock. I had this about that was the end of February, and then my sentencing hearing was gonna be like, I, think it was June. So I had those months to just sort of compile some kind of information, but I couldn't get access to the information if I didn't have access to the drugs to get access to those people. So I was like forced to deal more. Did they give you your drugs? No, definitely not. But total, side note here, after I got sober and after I got my impounded car back, when this is crazy, maybe this will be in the other book, but when I opened my car door at the impound lot, picking up my car a month into sobriety, I look there on the floor of the front seat is a bunch of baggies of crystal meth. I was like, what the fuck? What is going on? And then in the trunk I had about a gallon of what's called ghb. And it was in a giant water bottle. It's clear liquid. So at that time I don't think they fully knew what it was. I don't know if your listeners know, but GHB is like a party drug. It makes you feel like you're drunk and the gay boys love it. Unfortunately, a lot of people use it as a date Rape drug. It's not a, it's not. Because you mix it with alcohol, it makes you kind of. Actually, there's something coming to that.


Dylan was trafficking drugs through airport security after 9/11

All right, all right. So. So I, I am I am I am traveling and because of the time frame, like I can't drive it back or I could, but it would take too long. So I risk trying to go through airport security with like tucked into my pants. And at that time, this is right after 9, 9 11. So I'm just this stupid looking white college frat boy. They didn't give a shit about me. But I would, I was stupid. I would buy day of one way tickets which is automatically gets you in the extra security pat down line. But I was put in that line with 20 other Middle Eastern men because that's who they were looking after, you know, after the, the fear of 911 again. So so I would make my way through these security lines really messed up because it was so, I mean nerve wracking to be able to do that, to. To do this. And I would bring it back to D.C. in hopes that the city was dry, meaning there wasn't a lot of product to get. And then I'd be the hero and people would have to buy from me and then I'd be brought back into the fold. And that's what started to happen. And then ultimately I found a supplier in Atlanta and we had a good run. Great stuff. I think he, his supplier got it from the cartels, which was. I was, I was one person away from the car. Like he brought me on a pickup one time and supposedly it was a whole thing going down. But that's, that's You know, you hear things in the. Doesn't matter. But we had a good thing going. Great, great, great math. Like. And I would bring back I, I'd have like, like a an ounce, which is a good amount, like tucked in this. I had underwear that had like a bottom part to it that would just tuck right up there. And I started basically bas. Not basically. I was trafficking through the airports again. I would play the role of stupid white frat boy twice. Twice I didn't clean out my bag well enough. And they found like a baggie of a white powder substance. I just did. I just, I cleaned stuff out. But they found it twice. First time was with this older white man, which is relevant because he could see himself in me because I'm. I'm 21, 22. And I put on this whole act like, oh, m. My God, My friends and I were partying, and I didn't. You know, I lifted in there and. And he fell for it. And he was like, hey, you know, I was like, oh, my God, my parents are going to kill me. He's like, hey, we've all been there. And he threw it away and ushered me forward. The other guy was visibly gay. And I say that because he was, like, totally checking me out before I even made it to the security line. And. And he. When he had to, My bag was flagged and he had to search, he was like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm just have to look through real quick. And he looked through it. He was so. He didn't really want to. He was so embarrassed and kind of shy that I'm just looking at him, staring him down, like, trying to be seductive, you know, move this process along. And then last moment, he found a baggie. And I. I shit you not, I don't. I don't know what happened, but I just. I looked at him. I looked at the baggie. I reached out, I grabbed the baggie, I turned around, I threw it in the trash can. I turned around and I just looked at him and continued with my, like, you know, seductive eyes. And we just both pretended like that never happened. And when we just. I just moved on. Anyway, I knew, so I'm laughing, but that's just, you know, it's just. It's again, it's just crazy. So. So I'm working with this guy. He's becoming a good friend, and I'm moving up the ranks well past my ex, boyfriend, dealer. At this point, like, I'm moving way more drugs than he ever did. People are trusting me. What I wanted to get to were the actual suppliers that came into D.C. because then I could give the investigators information who were harassing me. And for whatever reason they were in my phone as I didn't know what else to label them as. So there's two of them. I labeled one as yes, and one is no. And I think. I think it was. It was a manifestation of the battle of, like, yes, you should inform. No, you shouldn't. Like, yes, you should do this. No, you're not a rat. You're not. You know, and, one time I fed them information that was made up because they kept harassing me. I mean, they were texting me. They were like, we know you're traveling. We know you're doing this. I don't know how they were finding this out. So I. I gave Them. And I was like, somebody's doing something here. Like, I. I remember doing that, but I was still so torn because I was making friends with these folks and I didn't want to turn them in. And, Oh, oh, by the way, when I was being debriefed, they read me. They tried to get information.


The reason I even wrote the book is for this. What I'm about to share

They read me a bunch of names of people, and they read me, like a list of 15 to 20 names. And within the 15 to 20 names was combinations of names of every freaking person I knew at that point. So I'm in my head, I'm like, how many people have been arrested? Like, but they were mismatching the first and the last name and this kind of stuff. But they said my ex's name. They said this other guy's name. They said this other guy's name. They said. Like. I was just like. I tried to hold it in. I was like, is everybody a fucking informant? Like, is that how this works? Like, what is happening? Anyway, so this is the. Really. This. The. The reason I even wrote the book is for this. I'm going to keep it a short story, but it's this part that I'm about to share because this is. This is the. Everything this was. I go backwards in time as well in the story because I needed to understand where I came from to unders. To make sense of why. What I'm about to share, why I made this decision. I mean, you could argue, was I really making decisions as drugged as I was? But the. The reason my book is meant to be a. A message in a bottle. It's meant to be an amend. And that is because when I was at Atlanta, doing my routine, coming down, hanging out with my friend for the night, flying back the next day, that night I met one of his friends, and he came over and partied. I mean, this guy was stunning. This guy was gorgeous. This guy was like, you're on an Abercrombie bag. You are. And you're into me. Oh, my goodness. And I don't know how to function around that. So here's a bunch of drugs. Just take them all. Like, oh, you're into me. You're into me. And my friend was doing some other runs, and so the other. The guy and I were alone. And, you know, we got. We got very friendly. And, he was sharing a story about how his ex boyfriend, slash boyfriend, was in the hospital, potentially dying. But his. But his family was incredibly religious and would not let him go see him. So he was feeling very sad. Very. A lot of Feelings. And I gave him some ghb. I gave him a lot. And then he said, I'll be right back. He left. I said, take my number. Call me when you come back. He never did call me, but he came back and he was stumbling. And I was like, when you do too much ghb, you do something called falling out. It's. You just. You just. You pass out, essentially. And you really gotta be careful of that and people's breathing and stuff. And so he made it back, but he passed out. And he was acting like real m. More so. And I was like, oh, this is worrisome. My friend wanted to go to the club. and, so I was like, okay, we'll just put this guy in the back seat on his side. I tried to feed him more meth. I was like, just jamming it up his nose to kind of jumpstart the engine. And anyway, I'm going to fast forward. This is all. This is all in the. In the. In the book. But I'm gonna fast forward to the point. Cause you can see where this is going. Where, you know, hours later, we're at, like, the third different club. And I'm remembering he's in the car, and I'm like, I'm gonna go check on him. And I go out to the car to check on him. He's lying down in the back seat. I get in the front, I look back, and he just doesn't. He just doesn't. He just doesn't. It just doesn't feel right. It just doesn't. Doesn't. It's not right. You know, you. You can. You can feel the breathing is low.


Alabama says her biggest regret is not acting sooner on suspected overdose

You can feel these things. And I go back inside, and, my. My other friend, I'm like, you gotta come out and see this. Like, I. I think I'm might be losing my mind. But, like, he doesn't. Something's not right here. Something's not right. He's like, stop it. You're fine. Go back to, you know, go back to doing. And so I went to the corner. It did, you know, a bunch more drugs. And then I came to, like, a half an hour hour later, and I was like, oh, no. Oh, my God. You know, I should go check on him. But this is the decision part. Because my brain would not allow me to believe that this person was actually dying. My brain was not going to that place because I was paranoid of being caught. I was paranoid of the police showing up. I was paranoid of many things. And I still believed all the consequences Wouldn't happen to me. This is after I totaled my car, bailed out of college, was arrested, now an informant. Like death was something that, I don't know, it was still the consequence that just didn't seem near by or anything. And so, I. My biggest regret is not acting sooner. But eventually I got myself to like, no, you have to go, you have to go, face, whatever. You gotta go out to the car. So this time when I went out, I get in the front seat, I turn around and I fly back against the front console because he's staring at me. His eyes are wide open, his face is blue, his hands are blue. There's a pee stay. There's some snot frozen here. And he's staring at me. But from that stare, I know there's no life in that body. And just to make sure, I reach back and I pick him up. And the, the feel of his body, the weight of it is an experience I've never had, before. And from that experience it confirmed and I freaked out and I let him go. And then if I just was just to really drive it home, that this person is no longer alive, the way his body just fell back down and flopped on the door and hit it. And just the noise and everything was like, oh, fuck. And so I ran inside. I'm hysterical. I'm telling this, this friend of mine to come out. He's screaming at me to calm down. I'm like, no, get out the car. You gotta, come see your friend. He's joking. He thinks I did too many drugs and he just can't wait to get back inside. And then he gets in the front seat, front seat looks back and then just starts screaming. Just starts screaming. And I'm like, okay, that really confirms it. I. I was hoping my friend was gonna help the situation. Then I realized I gotta do something. So I smack him because literally he wouldn't shut up. And I was like, we gotta do something. And so I start calling the ambulance. And then I freak out, we can't have the police here. I asked the ambulance, where's the nearest hospital? Fortunately, it was like a mile away. I smack the friend again. I say, start driving. He takes off down a one way street. But this is like 5:30am, six, a.m. we get to the hospital and we do the classic drop the body off at the ER and drive away. And I'm, I immediately go to the airport. I immediately am paranoid that somehow the police are after me or something like that. And I get back to L. LA. That's where I live now. I get back to D.C. and I'm like, I can't travel anymore. That's no more. I gotta figure out a new solution. I gotta figure out a new path forward. The investigators are harassing me. And two, weeks later, as I'm in this pit of what am I doing? What am I doing? My m. Phone number was the last number he called. Therefore, it was the first number his mother called. Cause if I was the last number on the phone bill, and I'm, I'm super high. I'm doing whatever. And she calls in the middle of whatever. And, she had this deep, deep, like, Alabama, like, please don't hang up. And I'm just like, whoa. And she was just begging me, please, I just wanna know what happened to my baby boy. It took me a second. Then I realized what she was talking about. And she just was begging me not to hang up. She was begging me to tell her what happened. And all I could think about was like, okay, the police, I, I was thinking, okay, the police are trying to get me to confess. It's outrageous. But, I mean, that's what I was. I was paranoid. and I, and she's begging me, and I, and I'm frozen. And finally I said, I don't know what you're talking about, lady. And I hung up on her. So the reason my book is the message in the bottle is because a year later, after I got sober, I tried, I tried, I tried, at that time, looking at my phone bill to retrace it. I tried looking at the hospitals.


The book is for this mother. I have many readers but I have a reader of one

We may have dropped a mat. I tried for that whole first year. And then recently, as the book started to emerge, more and more, I did more research into trying to find what hospital that was in Atlanta. I was trying to find everything I could, following leads and looking at obituaries. But something tells me the obituary is probably not Atlanta. It's probably some other place. I have no way of contacting that friend, that, that dealer friend from down there. So, so this, the book is for her. The book is for this mother. I have many readers, but I have a reader of one. Excuse me. And all mothers, you know, this is what happens. You know, this is what could happen to your son. So if she reads it one day, you know, so be it. But this is part of my amends. And that call, I mean, I remember standing up and I, I, I, I smashed the glass bong. I screamed for everybody to get out of there. I threw everything off the tables. I mean, I was a mess. I mean, I was just, I was alone. I was, I was. The investigators, the prison. Like, my parents were not helping because I still thought they didn't love me because I was gay. Like, nothing, it was, I don't know how to describe just that, that level of loneliness. It was like being at the bottom of the ocean. the, the deepest parts of the ocean. The pressure of that, just the blackness, the darkness of that. And I didn't know what to do. And so one of my runners, he, he was, he cut hair. So he would deliver drugs while also cutting your hair. And that was his business and he would run. And one of his clients that he cut hair for was this girl who was dating the supposed Russian mafia, guy who had access to, you know, pink, pink meth from Hawaii. But it doesn't matter. What matters is it was the best meth I've ever had in my life. And I said, no, that's insane. Why would I deal with the mafia? That's stupid. But after this moment and nowhere else to turn to and the prison date looming, I agreed, I agreed to meet this person. The funny part was he was very attractive. And I, I don't know if I was sexualizing, the violence. I mean, the guy, if I didn't deliver, the guy was pinning me against the wall. Like, I mean, he was scary. He, he put this really ornate, stupid cliche, pearl inlaid gun in my face. Like he was very. And, and I just agreed to do it because I wasn't going to do it. Then I agreed to meet him. And then when I met him and then when I tried the meth, then my head blew off because the meth was the greatest thing I ever tried, felt. And it evaporated. You know, the, the despair I was feeling around the, the mother, around my family, it just, it took care of everything. So I was like, yeah, I'll work with you. But in my mind I'm like, I'm just gonna do this. I'm just so. I impressed, him because I sold a couple ounces in a few days, which is a lot, you know, if you're not, if you're like a dealer, supplier. And so he, he had pounds. And I was starting to move bigger, bigger amounts pretty quickly, getting him his money and you know, and then, and then it slowly started to emerge. Well, you know, I, maybe I'll have no jail time if I'm informing on mafia tied people. Like if they get this guy Then they can flip him to something higher. And I was in my mind now, and even now is saying this out loud. It's like that, that's like that. Have so many things happened where it was like, this is like a fricking movie. Like this doesn't happen. How am I thinking about trying to flip a mod? Like what? So I was contemplating that and this math was so good. But what happened, See what happened was I just was incapacitated with the high. Meaning. No, that's not true. I was incapacitated with the buildup of my emotional torment that the high needed to increase. And so I was smoking the meth by that point. And by that point I was smoking at least an eight ball a day, which at that time was like 400, 450 a day, which, which is nothing. Well, that's of course, that's a lot. That's, that's a lot. So I started, so I started doing more of the product than, than selling it. And so I eventually started owing him money and he got more violent, he got more threatening. And everything peaked in this moment. I'll never forget this moment. It's like, you know, 4:00am and somehow the investigators found me like in the middle of DC at the only 24 hour CVS and they found me in the street and pinned me and were screaming and it was like a few weeks from my sentencing and like, kid, you're going to prison. Do you know what happens when you. I mean the classic kind of like, do you know what happens when you go to prison? So the investigators are after me, the, the mafia guy is threatening my life and I'm just like wanting to just find a way to get more drugs to do them because I don't know what else to do. I, I could turn in the mafia guy, but I started liking him at that point cuz he was genuinely like a pretty good guy. And I was like, but then if I turn him in, are they gonna. Is the mafia really there? Are they really involved? Are they gonna go after my family? All these things are going through my head and I, I got to this place where just the illusion that I was somehow still in control of my addiction, which is insane, shattered. And I was like, I can't stop using and this is my life and I hate it. And I thought that by choosing to go to prison was a noble thing because one, I couldn't stop using. Two, I was terrified of the mafia guy. This might protect me and my family, but three, I felt I deserved it. I, I couldn't shake the mother. I couldn't shake what I did. I thought I was a good person. I thought I was a good person. I guess I'm not.


You know, I accepted my fate and went to my sentencing

I guess it's true. The Mormon God, what the Mormon God thinks of me, which is I'm a piece of shit who deserved to be gay. You know, like I was still holding on to that. So it's like, this is what I. This is my life. This is what I deserve. So I accepted my fate and went to my sentencing. And I had a court appointed lawyer this whole time. Heart of gold guy, beautiful human being. He gets up there with me and you know, the judge is. You can tell he can't wait to nail me to the Wall with the 10 plus years. He's salivating at the mouth. But the young federal prosecutor stands up, and he's like, your honor, we're asking for this case to be dismissed. In my court appointed letter. Dennis lawyer Dennis Braddock next to me like, don't. Whispering. He's like, don't say anything. Don't move. Don't say anything. The judge is even confused. He's like, are you sure? Like, are you sure? No, he's more pissed. But prosecutor was like, yeah. And boom, case dismissed. I'm dumbfounded. I'm like, what is happening? What is going on? The, the lawyer pulls me into a side room and he's like, I've, I've tried hundreds, thousands, thousands. I've. I don't. He was dumbstruck. He was like, I've never seen that. What did you do? What did you do? And I was like, you know, I, I dealt with, I dealt drugs to judges, to the campaign managers, to high powered lawyers. And along the way people sometimes were like, saying they could pull connections, but that's utter bullshit. So I said, I don't know, some people said they could do it and that that's not what happened. I don't believe that's what happened at all. I said that. And then I was like, I, I don't, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And he, he just looked at me and shaking his head, he's like, he's like, you got, you know, you better not be back here. You know, kind of giving me this second chance guardian angel speech and sent me on my way. And then I was, I remember the first call I made was to my mother. I was thinking of her and I, she just was sobbing, sobbing. I didn't talk about them much through this, but they, they were around as much as I would let them or as much as they could handle, but she was just sobbing.


Two weeks before my birthday, she was like, I want to go to rehab

Anyway, I'm gonna, I'll circle back to my thoughts about why that case was dismissed, but just to wrap that up, I lasted six more weeks out there. Just. I really need to make sure I was an addict. And on my 23rd birthday, September 26, my running mate, this girl who I was running with, the whole running mate meaning doing, she was running drugs for me. She was like my confidant. Two weeks before my birthday, she was like, I want to get sober, I want to go to rehab. And I remember looking at her and I shit you not, I looked at her and I said, you can do that. Because I thought rehab was for train spotting. I thought it was like I needed to be shooting heroin in an abandoned house. I was in an abandoned house at that time that friends let go of because it would flood out when it would rain. So it was abandoned and I'm living on an air mattress that would flood out when it would rain doing drugs. And I just didn't put it together. So I was like, oh, I saw a way out. I was like, okay, maybe I'll do that too. So my 23rd birthday, we were gonna have a going away party and I was gonna go get sober. But the morning of, when I realized truly that I could not stop when I said, this is the day I stop, then everything shattered and broke apart. And then, then a window opened up and she and I jumped through this window and we were like, we need to go, we need to jump. We need to call for people, we need to call for help. And she called her parents and they lived in Boston. And a half an hour later they were in the car taking the, doing an eight or nine hour trip down to get her. And I called my ex dealer boyfriend. I was like, come take all these drugs. Get it out of here, let's go. And then I called my parents and I'll never, I could never ever forget because all I said, all I said, my mother answered the phone, it was Sunday morning, she's getting ready for church. And all I said was mom. That's all I had to say. And she just said, where are you? Because she's been waiting for that call. I give her the address and you know, they're there 20 minutes later. And then I realize, oh, my case might be over, but there is still a very angry, potentially violent mafia, really good looking dude after me. What The f do I do? So I. In the book, I chose to have him show up and be there in. In my presence, just because it was easier to write it. But the dialogue was exactly the same, which is I called him, and he had repeatedly called me. I mean, on blast. On blast. And I finally picked up. Or I mean, I called him, and he finally was just screaming, screaming, screaming, screaming, where's my word? Where's my money? And then I just. I just. I didn't know what else to do. So I was honest. I was like, I'm getting help. I'm going to rehab. And there was a pause, and, this is gonna sound like I made this up, and I definitely did not make this up. He then said, you can do that. I shit you not. And I just. I'm trying not to laugh, and I'm like, yeah, yeah, you. You can. And, I'm gonna get a job. And so I was wondering if I could do a payment plan. And so I was like, I'm. I'm laughing now because it's absurd, but it's what I had at that time. And there was this long pause. I almost was like. I almost wanted to be like, hello. Like, And there's long pause, and he goes. You can hear him. He's rather wistful. And he's like, you know, I've always wanted to sell real estate in Baltimore, and I'm trying to hold it together. And I'm like, yeah, you know, you can do that. You. You can. You can do that, man. And then there's another long pause, and he goes, mind you, I owed him thousands at this point. And he goes, you know, just forget about the money, man. Best of luck. Then he hangs up.

>> Tiffanie: No shit.

>> Sean Hemeon: My parents show up. I, drive away, and I start rehab like, two weeks later. I slept for two weeks, and then I start rehab. It's so hard to tell that story and not want to go off on all these branches, because there was other parts to this story that, you know, obviously, for sake of time, that I just couldn't get into. But it's all in the book. I'm not trying to sell the book, but it's all in the book, so. Oh, I, Just a detour. So. You know what's really fascinating? Writing this book. Yes, I. I was very, incredibly, profoundly lucky. And writing the book, you could easily say that was probably white privilege. That was probably white privilege, you know, which I got lucky because of. However, it's still. It's part of my story.


The dismissal of the federal drug case left me thinking maybe this kid has hope

And so My running theory with the dismissal of the case, and I'd love to talk to a federal prosecutor and just see what they. Their thoughts are. Because my thought is, you know, their workload must be monumental. You know, the amount of paperwork, the amount of, like, the. I mean, who knows? And so I'm thinking they were lightening the load. I'm thinking they got nothing on this kid, and maybe he has a hopeful future. I hate to say this, but he's white. I don't know. You know, let's lighten the load, okay? We'll just dismiss this case. There's nothing there. And I don't know what the investigators said, because I didn't give them anything. I didn't give them anything.

>> Tiffanie: Yeah, because you were caught with all that. Like, what do you mean? We got nothing on this kid. You had a lot of bags. That's what you had.

>> Sean Hemeon: Oh, I. Possession with intent to distribute. No, I, I. But. But there was so many odd things. Like, I told you, like, after I got sober, picking up my car, my impounded car, there was crystal meth baggies. Baggies with crystal meth, like, on the floor of my car. And I'm like, what is going on here? Is it this disorganized? Is that what it is? Or like, what is. This is so strange. This is so strange. I'm just one lucky SOB that is granted this second pass so I can share this story one day that you know, because otherwise, again, otherwise, I would not be sharing this story if it weren't for the mother that I'm, Who may not even be alive, but it's for all those mothers that really, my mother plays a central part in, obviously in my life, but in the book as well, this journey that she and I go on, because not to give away the happy ending, but to give away the happy ending. You know, going backwards in time, you see how rough it was with her, my mom and mother. But lo and behold, the last chapter is getting married in 2023 to my now husband. And she walked me down the aisle. She walked me down the very gay wedding aisle. Proud, genuinely. Not like I'm gonna do this and be uncomfortable, but, like, proud. So she went on her own journey as well. It's just from where we were and from where we are now. I. It's a. It's astounding. Yeah. That's my story. Well.

>> Tiffanie: Holy.

>> Sean Hemeon: I don't. I don't know what you expected. I mean, you can. I'm sure there was a lot that I That I covered. Did. Was there anything ques. Anything to clarify? Any questions? Any. I don't know.

>> Tiffanie: It's just so crazy, just how everything worked out. Like, usually that shit does not happen. And how come all you people don't know that you go to rehab?

>> Sean Hemeon: Follow.

>> Sean Hemeon: Okay, good. That. Truly, I mean, because you watch, in the 90s, you watched a Requiem for a Dream or like. Or like, train Spotting. Like, you watched. If you watched an addict movie, it was only about heroin addicts and how their life went to shit. Basketball Diaries. Like. Like, the awful comedowns from that. And, like, heroin addicts went to rehab. But no, when I actually did go to rehab, I was with. Half of them were soccer moms who couldn't stop drinking chardonnay. One of them was a cokehead. One of them was like. It was like, oh, my God, everybody goes to rehab. Like, I really didn't know. I really had no idea, let alone I was in the disillusionment that, like, wait, I'm, I'm a narc for the federal government, dealing massive amounts of methods, and I don't think I should go to rehab. What? You know.

>> Tiffanie: Well, I mean, obviously your mind is not where it should be, especially when you're getting high all the time. You're. You're somewhere else. You're checked out. So, I mean, it's almost like you had a handicap for a little while, because you don't. You don't think clearly that.

>> Sean Hemeon: I mean, that's. That's true.


I still feel responsible for the young man. However, the last conversation we had, he informed me that he

I still feel responsible for the young. I mean, the young man. Oh. Oh. The thing I was gonna say was I lost contact with that guy in Atlanta. However, the last conversation we had, he informed me that he thinks that young man, when he left, went and drank alcohol. And he might have drank it intentionally, knowing that the effects of alcohol and GHB are lethal. I'm not saying he had a death wish, but he. He was in a place where he would have made that kind of mistake, because the way we witnessed him was a little bit more than a fallout from ghb. So we think he mixed things. And, that is not forgiving, you know, my. My actions, but it's also part of that mix. Like, you're saying, like, I was handicapped, you know, as you're saying he was handy. He handicapped himself further. it. But still doesn't take away from the fact that, wait, I thought I was a good person. Am I still a good person? How did this happen? Where. What. What. You know.

>> Tiffanie: Right. I mean, the first Time when you saw him kind of like that. Should have taken to the hospital. He might have lived. But you know, you, you wanted to get your friend, he derailed you. It's like this whole thing. So I mean, the coulda, woulda, shouldas, you don't know, you can't play that game. You can't, can't do that to yourself. but it's just tragic. And that stuff happens all the time. So it's, it's important for people to know and to, to take care of your friends, make sure, you know, if you guys all went there together, you leave together and all that. So it's just drug etiquette?

>> Sean Hemeon: No, no. I mean, no, no. They're for sure. They're for sure. What? Okay, so drug etiquette to me at that time was a, was a was. you definitely took care of each other, especially people who took too much ghb. Like, you definitely knew the protocols in order to help that person. Cuz you knew you could edge towards, you know, their system slowing down enough where they stopped breathing. So there was, we looked out for each other. That way if you did too much ketamine, you'd give them more methamphetamine. Like, you know, you knew how to mix the right alchemical mix of stuff. And the, the thing that surprised me too was there between the, between the dealers and the suppliers, there was this etiquette. We were definitely clearly obviously the true addicts of the bunch. And so we, when one of us was out, we would always give the other just some free product. Cause we know the pain of coming down. Because again, at that point I hadn't drawn sober breath in well over a year and a half, you know, so I do, I thought that was supportive. My competition, oh, you don't have any drugs. Like, but, but deep down you understand the pain of that come down. So you would, I'd be like, let me just give this to you. And they would do the same back. And so there was some etiquette in between trying to stop each other's business. but we knew. But again with the. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

>> Tiffanie: Well, I was gonna say, I do like coming off that stuff. It's horrible. Absolutely horrible. So when you know that, that it, it is, it's painful. And my God, you feel like you're gonna die, like you're gonna do anything that you can do not to feel that.

>> Sean Hemeon: Correct, Correct. Correct. And yeah, there's, there's empathy, empathy between the drug dealers. Well, that was one thing I Did. I mean, I noticed. I mean, it's obvious to me now, being on the outside, but in being in it, I started realizing everybody that I dealt with, at least the addicts, the ones that were I dealt with mostly were running from something. They had some tragic thing, they had some horrific thing, they had some fill in the blank. I mean, they were. And again, obviously now on this side having this knowledge and mindset that you and I both have had through the years and stuff, but up until that point, the age that I was not understanding much about how the world works, I was still able to clock. Wow. We all came from really fucked up things. Wow. Like, I was, I was reacting to that. I was also reacting to, you could see in the addicts, you could see who had dead eyes and who had the light in their eyes, meaning if you use long enough, there's just this sheen that comes over your eyes and it doesn't have the life, it doesn't have the twinkle. I noticed that. And I could tell addicts from like people who were just coming into the game. And, I started losing my twinkle towards. Right towards the end, thankfully. I mean, I was in and out for a year and a half. I was dealing with people that were in this for like five years. I mean, they were, you know, they were full blown addicts for five years. I mean, just walking dead. Crazy, crazy insane. Crazy insane. I got, you know, I got out in enough time where there was no, there's not a lot of physical damage. My, My gums still are, you know, 20 years later. Still not right fully. I have scars in the back of my leg from, you know, not sleeping for three or four days. Your immune system takes a hit. So a lot of tweakers get cysts that can grow to the size of like golf balls, softballs.


Childhood trauma affects us forever, and your body will heal from that

And so most have scars from those. But that was. And my nervous system is still, I swear, recalibrating 20 years later. Of course it is. Oh.

>> Sean Hemeon: Yeah.

>> Tiffanie: Your body will forever be healing from all of that. I mean, trust me, I had my days. I, you know, I didn't go down your rabbit hole, but on my own. So, like, we all do. But it, you're right. Most of the time it's because we're running from something, we're hiding from something. Childhood trauma affects us forever. And that's the whole reason even behind my podcast, like, it's time we realize that. And it's okay that we up, we're humans, but as long as you learn to pick yourself back up again, put yourself on track, then you're okay. I, I believe that.

>> Sean Hemeon: Yeah. I mean, and if you can't even do that.


It was asking for help that changed everything because I realized I couldn't pick myself up

It was asking for help that changed everything because I realized I couldn't pick myself back up. So reaching out, asking for somebody to help me was the big decision, you know, was like, I clearly, my way of doing my life clearly, is not the best way. And, and I completely failed at this. I need a new way. Somebody help me. that's the first step. That is the first step. You know that. That is the first step. That's exactly right. I didn't. I mean, you don't know you're doing the first step when you're doing the first step until you learn what the first step actually is. And you're like, that was the first step. That was the. I. Well, you know, actually to, to that point though, I will say this. I will say that morning of the 23rd, of the 26th, when I was turning 23, when I was like, you know, this is the day that I'm gonna stop using when I was alone after sending people away. And in my head, I know, like, okay, I'm supposed to like walk away from this. I reached for the pipe and I kept smoking. And there was this disassociation of like watching myself, my body moving in this way to do this thing. And I was telling it to stop, but it wouldn't stop. And so it just kept going and it kept going and it was a weird, more than weird, it was a terrifying sensation. Cuz there was no connection between here and here. And I suddenly ex. like saw what I had been experiencing this whole time was I was a slave to this drug and talking, about helping yourself when that. It was like the glass ceiling shattered because. Or of a disillusionment. Shattered. I mean, shattered to the point where it almost took the wind out of me. This realization that I truly have no control. Truly. And it was the weirdest, weirdest thing for my entire story that I felt where I felt like I got hit in the stomach and I felt like I came to. I felt like I just arrived back in my body that I hadn't been in for a year. And I swear to you, I looked around, the pipe in my hand and all the paraphernalia and I looked around and it. And, and I is like. It was like I woke up from a coma or I just came back from amnesia and I was like so confused. I was like, wait, what? What? And then I realized like, oh, My God, I've been dealing this whole time. It, it was so unusual. It was, I somehow came back to myself. I don't know, the shattering of the disillusionment brought me back to myself. And there's this story When I was 3 or 4, I was left behind at the house that we were moving into another house. And I was left behind at this one house. The other house was like almost a mile away, but I'm still in Spiderman underwear. And somehow I figured out how to get home to the new house after they left me by accident. But the part that marked my life was coming around the corner and realizing none of them noticed I was gone. And I had been gone walking there for like the last hour. And so that shattered my four year old brain, made me needy, made me a fear of abandoned list. The whole thing goes on. But it was almost as if when I came back to myself there was some reconciliation between the two because talking about helping yourself when I, I mean I, when I realized, oh my God, what the fuck am I doing? I just started sobbing so hard, like I was like convulsing. I dragged myself to the bathroom, I pulled myself up, I looked myself in the mirror and I saw, I saw the 4 year old, I saw the 13 year old. I, I, I saw them, I saw them and knowing them I was like, I have to do something for them. I didn't have enough in me to do something for me at that age, but for them that three year old is, four year old is innocent. I can do something for him. That 13 year old that was molested, I can do something for him. I can do this for them. This, I can do this. And so it was almost like a mantra. I was like, I gotta do something. I gotta, I gotta do something. I gotta do something. And then I, I remember falling down the, the, the stairs down to my running mate, the girl that I was living with in the abandoned apartment. She took one look at me and just started sobbing. She could just see it. And she held me, we held each other and, and we knew it. We were in this space and the window was opening and we had to jump through. And we were like, what do we do? Because we knew it was gonna shut soon and we were gonna be called back by the drugs. And so we pulled out the yellow pages and just called any random rehab, but there was like a hundred. You were like, oh my God, what do we do? We got one. And they were like, there'll be a bed available tonight. Can you make it and we're like, sure. And then that's what she called her parents. And then I realized I wasn't gonna make it. So that's when I called my parents. But to your point, it was that revelation of I can't save myself, but I can save that four year old that gets me moving and it makes me want to cry. But you know, I can save that 13 year old, I can do that, that, for whatever that, that he's innocent. I can do that. I'm, I'm fucked up. I'm not enough, I'm bad, I made some wrong decisions. But this four year old doesn't deserve this. So I'm going to help him. And that, that's what got me eventually obviously to call my mother, to your point. So it is an ask for help, but it is also that empowerment of myself, of yourself in that way. That's what worked for me at that time. I mean eventually it's going to be whatever works for whoever and whatever it is for their story. But that's what, that's what hit me.


Well, what happened was you hit rock bottom 20 years ago

>> Tiffanie: Well, what happened was you hit rock.

>> Sean Hemeon: You're telling me. I thought I hit rock bottom like 10 times.

>> Tiffanie: Well, that time it was bottom, bottom. So that's when you know, you will know when you have had enough. I, I say that as whether it's in m with addiction, a toxic relationship, whatever. You will know that day when you're done.

>> Sean Hemeon: Yeah. And, and fortunately enough that that was because I got sober from that point on. So that's, there was no relapsing for years. There was no back and forth testing it out. It was like, Nope. It was, that was, that was the bottom floor. And that. And, and 20 years later, that was the bottom floor. I have that super power of no matter how bad days are out here, I can always look back that still 20 years later and be like, I'm good today. I'm good, I'm good.

>> Tiffanie: I get that.

>> Sean Hemeon: I better be good, right?

>> Tiffanie: I mean, look at how much you've accomplished now though. You know, like, you can't live there. You can look and reflect on it because that is who made you who you are now. But you are not that person anymore. You have come so far.

>> Sean Hemeon: I, you know, past stuff, you know, Yes, I, I've. Yes, I should just simply say yes, I am not that person. We're always doing the work. It just gets to a deeper layer. You know, I've healed the relationship with my mother, my, my current husband, you know, tiny Things still get triggered from the past. I cried so many times writing this book. So there's. There's always to healing to be done. But there's a lot of thresholds I've crossed coming from to the point where I don't even. When I tell people the story like I just did, I'm like, it's a story. It's like, who is that guy? You know what?

>> Tiffanie: Right.

>> Sean Hemeon: Never imagine doing any of that now. Never, never. But I. But I do have the belief, though, that if I did drink, I would be curious about, man, let's try a little cocaine. And then from the cocaine, I'd probably be like, wonder if I could drink. Exactly. No, it would be. But. But I'm not. I, you know, I am a different person. But I'm also not naive to the fact that, you know, I hardwired those grooves. And just because I haven't turned them on in 20 years does not mean they can still be turned. You know, they can still be turned on is when I'm, you know, so, there ain't. I. I ain't confused over here anyway.

>> Tiffanie: I mean, it's a lifelong journey. You'll never be healed a hundred percent. It doesn't exist. So you just gotta give yourself grace on the bad days and keep working through it. But I think you're doing amazing work. So that means anything, really.

>> Sean Hemeon: Thank you, thank you, thank you. I. Let's. Let's hope other readers of the book feel, the same way.

>> Tiffanie: Yeah. So when do you think it's going to come out?

>> Sean Hemeon: we're still working on that date. So I will be able to update you, as soon as I know, but for sure within the next year. I mean, it'd be great to, you know, circle back and be like, hey, remember that thing I was talking about? Well, there's an expanded version of that. Here you go. They can get. They can follow me on Instagram and I'm already starting to do previews of it as well. I don't know if you have like a thing where you list the info or whatever.

>> Tiffanie: Of course I will put the links in the show notes.

>> Sean Hemeon: That thing. That thing. Of course. I didn't want to impose.

>> Tiffanie: No, please. I do it for all my guests, so. Yeah, I mean, I want people to be able to connect and people are going to identify with this story. Maybe not all parts, but, you know, it's very easily identifiable.


Chance's first year of recovery was in Northern Virginia, Washington, D.C

>> Sean Hemeon: Right.

>> Tiffanie: Chance, did you go to the Encino Detox Center?

>> Sean Hemeon: no. The Encino, like out here in La.

>> Tiffanie: Yeah, I just had Andrew on my podcast.

>> Sean Hemeon: Oh, no. So my first year of recovery was in Northern Virginia, Washington, D.C. and I went to this rehab called the Harrison House. It was a rehab for professionals. And I was like, oh, okay. I felt like that would be more normal people because I thought I was so normal. Again with the I, can go to rehab thing. And that's where I was with, like, you know, the chardonnay moms and the. I don't want to call him a douchebag, but the guy was a total douchebag cokehead. Like, total cliche. You know, the rehab was its own story. But, you know, we've read a lot of memoirs about rehab, but we had some characters. Actually. There was this blind woman who had a problem with drinking. And, and she would push a button that would tell her the time. This is before. So 2000. This, this. It was a. It was before phones, really. I mean, we had phones, but not like we do now. So you would hear during the group sessions and the talks, just this loud, Bing. The time is now 1:11. And, like, she would click it five minutes later. Like, she had. She didn't give a shit. She was just like, this is boring. She would always be checking the time anyway. I don't know why I'm thinking about her. I just thought that was funny. It's funny, yeah.

>> Tiffanie: I was just curious.

>> Sean Hemeon: I was like, maybe I've run into him, and by, you know, being around the rooms and stuff. But my recovery journey started where it ended and where my using ended. And so I've come out to LA alone, with, a clean slate. I don't live in a city where I can point to and be like, oh, I did this there and I did that there. Which is very helpful. But when I go to dc, I'm like, oh, boy, oh, boy.

>> Tiffanie: Yeah, I get that. Stay away.

>> Sean Hemeon: Well, for. I mean, the main club at that time is now gone. The, Washington National Stadium is on top of it. No.

>> Tiffanie: Well, then, yeah, that might make it a little harder.

>> Sean Hemeon: Yeah. Yeah.


So is there anything else you wanted to add? Um. I mean, I covered. I covered so much. The only other thing, uh

>> Tiffanie: So is there anything else you wanted to add?

>> Sean Hemeon: I mean, I covered. I covered so much. I'm probably gonna have, like, a vulnerable, ah, hangover here in the next day and being like, what did I just tell these people in the world? They're gonna judge me, but, no, that's not what's going to happen. But I'm going to feel it now. The other. The only other thing, again, is just when I do have the, you know, the book release date, I'd love to let you share that with you and you can do with that what you will.

>> Tiffanie: Absolutely.

>> Sean Hemeon: or if people listen to this and they have follow up questions, we can save those and I can pop back on when we have the book release date and I can go into some of those questions as well.

>> Tiffanie: Q and A. I like it.

>> Sean Hemeon: Q A. Put those cues in the comment section. No, what's the, what's the red. Oh, ask me anything. The Reddit. Ask me anything. Yeah, that thing.

>> Tiffanie: Yeah, I don't do any of that.

>> Sean Hemeon: No, no, I, I never have, but I mean, this is like, you know, put something in the comments, ask me anything, and then I'll come back on.

>> Tiffanie: Yeah, no, I'm down for that. Absolutely.

>> Sean Hemeon: Great. Good. Awesome.


All right, cool. Well, thank you so much for being here

>> Tiffanie: All right, cool. Well, thank you so much for being here. I really appreciate it.

>> Sean Hemeon: Yeah, thank you so much for having me and getting that out. Like, we've been here for a bit. I hope the listeners, are still hanging on. I'm sure they are.

>> Tiffanie: Oh, they are. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

>> Sean Hemeon: Oh, good. Yeah.