I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You - What Does It Mean

🚨 If you want to save your marriage and Win Your Wife Back, watch my masterclass here: https://codybutlercoaching.com/broadcast?utm_source=podcast

Transcript

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Hey Cody Butler here, and in this video today, I want to talk to you about what it means when a woman says to you, I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore. This is specifically directed at late-stage marriage crisis. Your wife's looking to leave the marriage. So this can be really difficult to understand for men. What does she actually mean? So in this video, I'm going to go through, I'm going to tell you what it means, I'm going to tell you what it doesn't mean, I'm going to tell you where this leaves you in your marriage, and I'm going to tell you what you need to do to start to turn this around or at least give yourself the best chance. So maybe your wife has just said to you, I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore. And as a man, this makes absolutely no sense to you whatsoever. What on earth do you mean you love me, but you're not in love with me? So the things that tend to run through men's minds at this point, having worked with thousands of men at this stage, is the mind starts racing. Is my marriage over? Does she still love me? Is there another man involved? Is she having an affair? Has she lost attraction for me? Is she saying that she's not sexually attracted to me? Can I get her back? And most importantly, what do I do now? What does this mean? And how does this influence what I do next? So, what you're going to learn in this video today is I'm going to demystify for you what this statement actually means when the woman says it. The biggest mistakes that men make when they hear their wife say this, why responding the wrong way inappropriately to when she says this actually is going to accelerate your divorce and make the situation worse. Why this statement may not mean exactly what you think it means, and ultimately I'm going to give you the opportunity hidden inside of this. So fair warning here that a lot of the information in this video is not going to be good news, right? Like if a woman is saying, I'm in love with you, I love you, but I'm not in love with you, this is not a good thing, this is not a positive place to be. But just so you know, there is hope, you can still turn the marriage around. There are certain ways that you can behave and really must behave. And I'm going to share with those, share those with you as well in this video. So don't get discouraged or give up hope. Make sure you stay to the end to watch all of that. And if you want more information, there's also a link in the description to a workshop called You Can Win Her Back, where I really go into a lot of detail on on more of the strategies of what you need to do. So what are the common interpretations that men come up with when they hear I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore? So most men here, she doesn't love me anymore. She's not attracted to me. She's not physically, she loves me, she loves me as her husband, she's not physically attracted. The spark's gone, the sexual excitement's gone, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And he also thinks, I need to convince her otherwise. I need to convince her that the marriage is not over, that this can be turned around. So the thing that men do usually when this happens is they panic. They fall into the habit of chasing, begging, negotiating, promising change, seeking reassurance, trying to save the marriage immediately. As men, we're problem solvers, and what we tend to see when a woman presents this statement to us is a problem. And depending on our psychology, our past history, our trauma, stuff like that, we go into a problem-solving state, which is going to, it can be panic, it can be negotiation, so on and so forth. But typically we're going to tend to try and solve the problem. So the biggest mistake that you can make when you hear this, or if you're in this phase of the marriage, is thinking that she's presenting a problem to you, or thinking that this is an invitation to a conversation, or that she's inviting you to fix something. She's not get she's not presenting this to you to open a conversation or to give you a problem to solve, something to fix. The reality at this point is she's actually communicating a conclusion. Uh she's telling the man where she is in the marriage right now and how she's arrived at that point. This is not the beginning of the conversation as far as the woman is concerned. This is the end of the conversation for her. Now, obviously, men and women are different species. We speak different languages, we work on different timescales and stuff like that. And like I say, this is this is the end of a long, reasoned-out conclusion for her. And in her mind, she's seeing this as the end of the conversation. Typically, as men, we see this as the beginning of the conversation, right? It's now it's time to jump in and go to work. So, what this is not is she's not giving you a diagnostic explanation of the situation. She's giving you a verdict, she's giving you a conclusion, she's giving you her assessment of the marriage, she's giving you her judgment about the relationship, where it's at, and where she thinks it can go. And it's a declaration of where she is emotionally. She's not inviting you into a conversation, she's telling you, right, this is where I'm at emotionally right now. This is this is how I feel. So this statement is very often misinterpreted by men because we're men, right, and we we think, well, she said she loves me, but she doesn't, she's not in love with me. What does that mean? How do I understand this? And we we filter it through our lens, and we go, if if I were if I'd said that to my wife, what would that mean? And then we tend to look at the meaning through that lens. So he often hears that she's lost love for me. She doesn't, she's lost the love for the relationship. That's what he interprets, but what she actually means is I've lost belief. She's communicating a loss of belief in you and a loss of belief in the relationship. So what she's actually saying, which is what we want to know, right? We want to demystify that. A more accurate translation of this is I care about you, I respect you as a human being, I value the history that we've had together. I'm not disputing that and I'm not discarding that. And again, this is you have to understand this because a lot of men here will go, well, if I show her the past, if I show her the good times, if I show her all of the things we did together. This is the I love you part. She's not discounting that, she's not disputing that, and she's not throwing that out. She's respecting the history, she's respecting the good times in the first half of the statement. But, and it's a big but I'm not in love with you. She's telling you, I no longer believe in us. I no longer believe in this that this relationship can become what I need this relationship to come for to for it to become, for me to stay in this relationship with you and to be happy. And I I no longer believe that change is likely or probable or even possible in this relationship. These are the two statements, right? I love you, is I care about you, I respect you, I value our history, but I'm not in love with you, is you're not you're not meeting my needs, my needs are not being met, and I simply no longer believe that they can't ever be met in this relationship. That is effectively, in its simplest format, what she's saying, right? So why is this important? Why does it matter? Well, because in order to treat the problem, you gotta you've got to diagnose the problem correctly, right? If you misdiagnose what she's telling you, if you misdiagnose the problem that's being presented, you're gonna create the wrong solution. And without some real understanding, and you've got to get this right, this is a serious situation. If your wife has told you she loves you but she's not in love with you, you're on the home straight of the end of this marriage at this point. So what most men do at this point is they think it's an attraction issue. So they or the problem is an attraction. I'm not in love with you, it's an attraction issue, it's a romance issue, it's chemistry, feelings, attraction. So, of course, they add date night, they try to add date night, they all kinds of things to bring back these things, but she is not telling you that there's a lack of attraction, romance, chemistry, feelings, or affection. She's telling you the conclusion that she has reached is what she's telling you. So understand this too. She's been considering this for a long time. As men and women, we're on different time schedules. Women tend to consider things for a long time before presenting them. Women are on a much slower, much more drawn-out time frame, whereas a man is very fast. So she didn't arrive at this solution overnight. She's been thinking about this for a long, long time. And typically, this is when she says this, this is the end of the reasoning process. This is the end of her consideration, this is the end of the conversation for you or for her. This is not the beginning. And as men, we get that wrong. We don't understand that all of the reasoning process took place up to the statement, and the statement is the end of the process. But as men, we think, well, now the statement has been made. This is the beginning of the process. Now we go to work on solving the problems. But before she came to this conclusion that she's not in love with you anymore, well, she loves you, but she's not in love with you, she had many conversations with you about this. She had many, she made many requests for you to change. She made suggestions directly and indirectly. She communicated her frustrations, she made her attempts at repair, uh, she made her attempts at connection with you, and she attempted to influence your behavior in a way that would bring the relationship back to a place that's acceptable for her. And her conclusion ultimately is I've exhausted every mechanism that I have available to me to bring this relationship to a place that I can live with and I'm happy with, and it's not gonna happen. It's not gonna happen anymore. So, what happened has happened is over time, throughout each of these attempts, directly and indirectly, happening within the marriage, her hope declines, her tolerance of behavior that she doesn't find acceptable to clients, and her certainty that you cannot change and you will not change increases dramatically. So I've talked about this in other videos in more detail. So make sure you check those out if you want more information on this. But the hope principle is at play here, and what hope does is it creates tolerance within her for behavior that she finds unacceptable within you. So as long as she has hope for transformation, tolerance remains within her. And as men, we can get very confused because we we see and we interpret her tolerance of our behavior as acceptance for our behavior when actually that's not what it is, and we can see it here in the hope curve. So when hope is very high, when hope is a hundred percent, when she has a 100% level of hope and confidence that you're gonna change ultimately and you're gonna meet her needs, her tolerance of your behavior is 100%. So a great example here could be alcoholism, for example. She loves you and she's gonna stand by you. She's saying, I'll never leave you, I'll stand by you, I love you for who you are, and all these things, and my love will never end for you, and it'll never die. And you continue in that behavior and she stands by you, she tolerates that behavior. But the truth of the matter is she's only tolerating the behavior because she believes that you're gonna change. She believes that that behavior is going to change. Now, as hope starts to diminish here, so when we're at 50%, when she's like, Well, it's 50-50 that he's gonna change, it's 50-50 that he isn't. Well, now the tolerance for the behavior becomes less and less. And she's looking at your behavior much more critically, much with much high levels of judgmentalness. And this is where the man goes, she's changing. I don't know what's going on, but she's changing in this marriage, yes, because she believed that you were gonna change, and her tolerance was based on the hope that you were gonna change until finally we reach a critical point where she no longer believes that change is a possibility. And when change, when when her hope reaches a critical level, her tolerance also reaches a critical level, and now she has zero tolerance, and this is where the marriage starts to really get into real problems because now you're confused, and rightly so to some extent. She's told you that she's gonna stand beside you, and she's shown tolerance of your behavior, but she's done that on the condition that you change, but she maybe has not communicated that condition to you. So you've accepted the tolerance, you've taken the tolerance as of acceptance of the behavior, or that you're doing a good job, or that everything is fine, or that everything is tickety-boo. And all of a sudden, when this hope level reaches a certain point and she snaps, then this is a real surprise to you. And it is a surprise, but at the same time, as we said, she's been she's been steadily communicating this out through throughout through conversation, request, suggestion, frustration, all of these things, hoping that you're gonna change. So the when hope dies, when you reach a certain point here, when that hope dies and she goes, I no longer believe there's any hope, her tolerance of your behavior disappears. Her tolerance for her needs not being met disappears, and the reality of her situation becomes unavoidable to her. She has to now ask the question, can I live like this forever? Right? And this this ultimately is the question that she's asking herself in this situation that brings her to the conclusion that I love you, but I'm not in love with you. So, can I live like this forever? Is the decision point that she reaches. She reaches the conclusion of, well, this is what this relationship is. This is who he is, this is what my future looks like, this is what our future looks like, this is the level to which my needs are going to be met moving forwards. The relationship reaches a point where she just simply does has no hope of it ever changing, and then she are then she's faced with the reality of either I accept that this is the future that I have with this man, this is this is my reality for the rest of my life, or I have to leave the relationship if I want something different. This is what she's asking. So again, she has she only has two options at this point. She either accepts that this is her reality, or she chooses to leave the relationship and stands a chance of getting her needs met somewhere else. So the hidden dynamic is that her nervous system has been building a predictive model about you. So effectively, what is going on is, and this is this is to some extent a subconscious thing. Her nervous system is predicting your behavior. When when she says something, she's predicting how you're gonna behave. When certain stimulus comes your way, when certain things happen. She believes that she knows how you're gonna react. She believes that she knows what you're gonna do. She believes that she knows what promises are coming next. Uh she also believes that she knows what you're gonna become. She also knows believes that she knows what you're capable of and what you're not capable of. And this is her nervous system has built this predictive model of you over years, if not decades. And as I've just said, she she has she's predicting what you're capable of and what you're not capable of. So she's no longer responding to your words at this point, she's no longer responding to your actions, she's responding to the predictive mechanism and the predictive modeling that her nervous system has presented as what's gonna happen. And this is very important to understand because this is the mechanism that you're gonna use to turn this around. When you act in a way that confirms her predictive modeling of you, it reinforces that she's made the right decision. The only chance that you have to turn this around is you have to interrupt how she thinks you're gonna behave. So if she thinks that you're gonna become manipulative, controlling, if she believes that you'll tell her that you're gonna change, if she believes that you're gonna start making promises that she doesn't believe you're gonna keep, so on and so forth, all you're doing is playing in to her predictive mechanism. So this is why most men make it worse, right? They react exactly as her nervous system modeling is predicting. And that can be a number of things depending on the man. It's not a one size fits all. So some men panic, some men pressure, some men go into pursuit mode, some men negotiate, some men go into desperation, some men go into emotional instability, some men promise they're gonna change, some men just say, I had no idea, tell me what I need to do. It there's there's a multitude of different paths that you can take, but what they're doing is they're playing into the predictive modeling that your wife has, and she's decided to leave this marriage, or she's decided that she's not in love with you based on these predictions. So every predicted behavior that her predictive her predictive mechanism got right reinforces her conclusion and it reinforces at a deep subconscious level, I was right about this man. Nothing has changed, nothing is going to change. This is exactly who he is, this is exactly who he's going to be. This is why reacting instinctively and doing what you think you need to do as a man right now is the worst thing. I tell every man that I work with in the Win Your Wife Back program, this is a very counter-intuitive program process to turn this around. Because the way to turn this around is you have to interrupt her predictive programming. When you act in a way that interrupts that programming, it forces her to question who you are, it forces her to question what you're capable of and reevaluate the situation, which is essential at this point. And if you act in ways that are instinctive to you, that are intuitive to you, then she's already predicted that out. She's she's she's she's modeled that out, and you are simply playing into your own funeral. The only path forward is counterintuitive because a counterintuitive approach is the only approach that is going to break her modeling that will cause her to question the decisions that she's made. So the trap that most men fall into is that they think, well, now she's finally told me what's wrong, now she's finally told me there's a problem in the relationship, now I can actually start to work on the marriage. And the the vast majority of men they never see divorce coming, they never see the separation coming. I believe the statistics are over 70% of men say I never saw it coming. And the man genuinely thinks that, okay, well, I didn't realize it was that bad. I didn't understand the problems were this severe. I'm willing to work on this, I'm willing to take action, I'm willing to do what's necessary. And you're absolutely genuine and sincere about that. But here's the problem, right? She thinks, I've been telling you for years, bro, I've been telling you for years what the problem is, I've been telling you for years this needs to be fixed, and now you're willing to work on it. So the deeper problem that arises here is that the man sees the statement of I love you, but I'm not in love with you as an invitation to work on the marriage. As she's now telling you that there's a real problem and this is your invitation to go to work. She's not seeing this as an invitation, she's delivering a conclusion to you. She's delivering a verdict and telling you, I've evaluated you, I've evaluated this marriage, and this is what I've decided. So timing's very important because suddenly the man, as I've just said, because you're not some terrible monster that just has no concern for your wife or family and is not willing to change, you just didn't understand the severity. You didn't she and to be fair, she was probably subtle in her uh telling you what was wrong. She sh as I tell as I tell women, the wives of the men that I work with, if if she's if they're serious about saving the marriage, concrete language is our friend, abstraction is the enemy. You have to tell him what you want. You can't hint, you can't beat around the bush, you can't be subtle and think he's gonna pick up on it. We're men, we don't pick up on subtlety. We need concrete language. And to be fair, she's probably not been giving you concrete language, and now you're getting it. You're willing to listen, you're willing to change, you're willing to learn, you're willing to go to counseling, go to read the books, watch the videos, do the work, watch this video that you're watching right now, even consider joining a program like this. But the problem is in her mind, she doesn't see that what she's been doing has been subtle or abstract. She's in in her mind, she's been telling you what the problem is for years, and there's been no willingness for you to work on it. So her experience of this is well, why now? Why not before? Why only after I introduce consequences and introduce pain into this into this situation are you willing to change? It's a problem of communication between a man and a woman, and that she sees that a woman would pick up immediately on her abstractions and her hints. But as men, we need that concrete language. But this is where we are. It doesn't matter how we got here, what matters is what we're gonna do now and what we're gonna do next. So why doesn't she believe that why doesn't she believe you when you tell her that you're gonna change, that you're willing to work on this? Well, the reason is because the change fits into her protective mechanism. She's predicted that you're going to tell her that you'll change. She's already predicted that you'll tell her that you're willing to go to council and you're willing to order these things. Now that the threat appears, or now that threat has appeared in the marriage, she's predicted that effort appears as well. So she concludes, well, he's not doing this because he loves me, or because he cares about me, or because he genuinely wants to meet my needs. She concludes that he's just acting out of fear. This is just panic, this is just temporary, this is just outcome driven, he just wants to change the situation. And quite frankly, as soon as the pain uh dissipates and goes away, he's gonna go back to being who he was. And to some extent, she's probably not wrong either, right? We have to understand these things. Her her her conclusions are not. Necessarily unjustified, but we have to work with them and we have to interrupt the mechanism that's causing her to think these things, and we have to we have to get her to see to reconsider and to see potentially a different reality, which you know is now available because you never really understood the problem up until now, and now you understand it. We're dealing with two different paradigms here: your your view and your paradigm, and her view and her paradigm. We need to bring these two together and get them to mesh to save this marriage. So the good news is, as I said at the beginning of this video, this doesn't mean that your marriage is automatically over, for sure. But it does mean that you're on notice, and it does mean that you're in a very serious situation. This is not something to be casual about, or this is not something to think that this is just going to go away, or she's just having a moment. This is hormonal. This is not what this is. And it's a very big mistake to think that. So what this means actually is that you've misunderstood where she is in the marriage. You've misunderstood how serious this is, you've misunderstood the severity of the situation, you've misunderstood the process that she goes through, right? You've you've misread the situation, basically, which has got us to where we are. We've got to start misreading it, we've got to accurately start diagnosing. So the opportunity that exists here, man, is to stop asking the question, what does this mean? How do I convince how do I convince her that I love her, that she can love me again? It's like most men go, well, I'm just gonna show a reminder of all the good times, and of course she will remember those, and then she'll be in love with me again. No, it doesn't, it doesn't really work like that. That kind of fits into the how do I get her, how do I get her feelings back category? We'll do date night, we'll do this, we'll do that. None of that is going to bring her feelings back. None of it. Trust me, anything that you think right now that's popping into your head is is an instinctive or an intuitive way to move forward. Throw it out. It isn't going to stirve you at all. So, what we need to start asking is what conclusions has she reached? And I've shared some of those with you. She's reached the conclusion that nothing can change, that her needs are not going to be met within this marriage. We then need to look at what caused her to arrive at these conclusions. And it's not about blame. This is about fixing the problem and about saving your marriage. It doesn't matter, it's not about being right. One of the questions that I always ask the men that I work with, do you want to be right or do you want to be married? And we can go back and go, well, this caused her to feel that way, and that caused her to feel that way. And as men, we want to get very logical right and go, well, if I can just show her that she's wrong about that, that is that is not going to work. Again, that's you being a logical man. That's you playing into her predictive mechanism. More important questions are what is this revealing about me? You have to start to acknowledge that I am a man who's misunderstood where my wife is. I'm a man that's misunderstood the severity of the collapse of this marriage. I'm a man that's misunderstood the process and what's going on. It's an opportunity here to start to see that this crisis is revealing elements about me that I need to work on as a man, that I need to, I need to become more emotionally sophisticated, more emotionally aware. And more importantly, ask the question as of how has my wife been experiencing me all these years? Because quite often, when once we realize that our wife has been experiencing us in a way that it's not how we would like for her to experience us, we're willing to change, we're willing to make those changes, but we've got to start to see things from her perspective. There are two people in this relationship. There are two people, there are two opinions, there are two points of view, there are two experiences, there are two emotions. And how you've been experiencing the marriage, very clearly demonstrated by the evidence that you're watching this video and you're still into this video right now, she has not been experiencing the marriage in the same way that you've been experiencing it. She's not been experiencing you how you feel like she's been experiencing you. And and the wise man opens his mind and goes, I want to understand how she's been experiencing me so I can change that. I want to, I want to understand what this is actually revealing about me and my understanding of my wife, my family, my relationship, and how they've been actually relating to me so I can be a better father, a better husband, a better man. Not that you've been a bad man, but hey, who doesn't want to be better, right? So what this actually is, it's holding up the mirror to you if you choose to use it in that way. The statement, I love you, but I'm not in love with you, is a this statement is data, not destruction. It's simply informing you, it's giving you data about the status of your marriage and the way that your wife is experiencing the marriage, the way that she's experiencing you. It's giving you data about your blind spots and showing you parts of uh the marriage that and the way that you've been showing up potentially that you are unaware of. It's showing you and revealing the gap between your intentions to be a great husband, a great father, a great man, and the actual impact that you're having on the marriage. And it's it's it's data to show you how you've actually been showing up as a man in terms of how your wife is responding to you and how she's experiencing you. And the wise man takes this as a gift, as an opportunity to get bigger, better, and stronger. And the man that looks at this as a mirror has a very good chance of saving his marriage. The man that looks at this as a criticism really is going to struggle. So, again, the required shift here is stop looking at her and asking the question, why and what do I need to do? Because that's what she's expecting from you. She's expecting you to look at her, she's expecting you to throw some blame around, she's expecting you to act a certain way, and start looking at yourself. She isn't that that's the last thing that she is expecting from you. She's not expecting you to look at this and go, okay, this is data, not destruction. This is revealing how I've been showing up in this marriage, and I'm going to use this. The objective here is to stop trying to fix the marriage and start understanding the man who helped to create the mess that is in front of you right now. And is this to say that she is this man bashing and to say you're the only one to blame and she has no role? And no, of course not. I'm not saying that at all. Um, of course, she has a role in this, and of course she has responsibility in this, but I'm giving you what you need to do to turn this around right now. We're not dealing with idealism and what it should be, we're dealing with reality and what it is, which is where you have power to take action and actually start to transform her decision. So let's get the man-to-woman trans translation here. The turn, you know, when a woman says, I love you, but I'm not in love with you, most men here, in some form or another, I don't love you anymore. What the woman is actually communicating at its most basic to understand format is I no longer believe in us. I no longer believe in this relationship, and I no longer believe in the marriage. This fundamentally is what is being said by the woman. This fundamentally is what most men are, the conclusion that most men arrive at. So our core takeaways here the statement I love you, but I'm not in love with you, it's not the beginning of a problem. It's it's very close to the end of the problem. It's usually a conclusion, it's not an invitation to solve the problem. It is not a problem being presented to you to solve, it is a verdict on the relationship being delivered by the wife to you. The big mistake that most men make, which will almost guarantee the divorce, guarantee the separation, the end of the marriage, is they look at I love you, but I'm not in love with you as a statement of a problem to solve. It is not a problem to solve, it is an opportunity to understand what created the problem in the first place. If you can make this shift, you can there's a very good chance you can save the marriage. If you take this as a problem that you need to solve, then it's going to be very difficult for you to move forward. So, my final advice practical steps, right? Men who fail in turning this around, they treat the statement as a problem to solve. Men who succeed in this are men who look at this as a mirror and as a gift and as an opportunity to become bigger, better, and stronger than they ever were before. So the real question here is not what does this mean? The real question is what is this situation revealing to me about the man I've been showing up as in this marriage? Clearly, I'm not the way my wife is experiencing me is not the way that I intended for her to experience me. So instead of trying to fix this problem, let me understand how I've been showing up as, how I've been interpreted, and let me try and understand her position, and then let me try and make the necessary adjustments. This is how you move forward. So that's it for me. If you want some more concrete steps than that and you want more detail, I've got a link in the description for a free workshop called You Can Win Her Back. I've also got Coach Cody AI, which is if you want my device advice directly at a fraction of the cost of a program or an engagement with me in a one-to-one engagement, Coach Cody AI will help you. Over 5,000 hours of coaching calls on there, thousands and thousands and thousands uh uh of questions that I've answered directly is in that, and it will give you it's as good as working with me directly. There's a link in the description if you want to find out about that. And if not, go ahead and watch this video now to get some more information on how to save your marriage.