The Fastest Way To Reset Your Marriage

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🚨 If you want to save your marriage and Win Your Wife Back, watch my masterclass here: https://codybutlercoaching.com/broadcast?utm_source=podcast

This workshop is built from nearly a decade of working with men in marriage crisis, watching some recover their marriage and watching others fail. The patterns are predictable.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

So, as a men's marriage coach, I hear strategies every day, literally, from men who are utterly convinced that what they are doing is exactly what they need to do to save their marriage. And quite frankly, it isn't. So, not only that, misunderstanding these mechanisms, such as no contact, just as an example, is actually the fastest way to destroy a marriage that could otherwise, with good sound strategy, have been quite easily saved. So if everything you've tried to do to save your marriage up to this point, to get her to reconsider divorce, has only actually made the situation worse, then I'm going to show you the pathway today that when you do this properly, it's not only going to cause her to choose to come back into the marriage, into you, but she's actually going to become literally chemically addicted to you when you do this. So this is going to be a 30-day divorce reset plan for you. So if you want to understand how to save the marriage, you've got to go back to the very beginning of the story here. And there are only two reasons why she agreed to marry you in the first place. And if you can understand these, then you can go back and you can understand what's going wrong and you can recreate these circumstances. So the only two reasons are firstly, she loved the way that you made her feel. She loved the way that you created self-esteem, positivity, hopefulness. You made her feel beautiful, you made her feel special, you made her feel heard. She liked that, and that's why she chose to be around you. And the second thing was she believed with all her heart that a future with you was significantly better than a future without you. Staying with you was definitely the best option. So now she's leaving the marriage or she's saying that she wants a divorce. It's because the exact opposite of this is now true. She sees, she she feels, she doesn't like the way she feels around you. She doesn't like the feelings you create, and she sees that a future without you is better than a future with you. Now don't mistake this to think that she sees a future with another man is better than a future with you. It can simply be a future of being alone is better than a future with you. But nevertheless, she sees the future without you as the better option. So you're not losing your wife because you don't care about her and because you're not making an effort. You're actually losing her because you're doing everything that's making these two factors worse and exaggerating those conditions. So there is actually only one goal of the 30-day divorce reset, and that is to become emotionally safe around again, to be pleasant to be around, basically. So everything else other than that is simply noise. So what this actually is, it's going to be a 30-day negativity diet. Negativity is what is absolutely destroying your marriage, and there is only one rule that is applicable here, and that is eliminate all negativity from your mind initially for the next 30 days, and then ideally forever, really. So without doing this, every other marriage repair strategy and mechanism is going to fail. You can do everything right and you get this wrong, and it doesn't matter. She's not coming back. So without this, reconciliation simply doesn't happen. This is utterly foundational to her coming back. So this is also why everything that you've tried so far hasn't actually worked, because every mechanism that you've used actually comes down to these core functions, which is you're trying to control her perception of you and the marriage, you're trying to trigger her emotions to have those positive feelings towards you, and you're trying to change her decision on the marriage, which is actually it's a control and it's a manipulation mechanism, and that is neither going to encourage her that you are the best option for her, or is it going to encourage her to feel good around you? This is typically what is going on. So to put this in the simplest language possible, she simply wants to be happy. As do you. If you can understand this, this is the key to unlocking human psychology and human behavior. Everything that we actually do when we chain chase the chain of custody and following it back to the beginning, it comes down to you want to be happy. Why do you pay taxes? Because you don't want to go to prison. Why do you not want to go to prison? Because in order to be happy, you have to be free. Why do you go to work? It's because you want money. Well, why do you want money? It's because you want to buy a house. Well, why do you want to buy a house? Because that gives me security. Why do you want to feel secure? Because in order to be happy, I need to feel secure. Security makes me happy. Everything we do as a human being can be chap can be traced back to this makes me happy. Both as you as a man and her as a woman. And when you understand this, the mystery disappears from relationships and the mystery disappears from human nature. She is simply choosing the path that she believes is going to make her happy. As are you. You believe the path that's going to make you happy is re-engaging in the marriage. She believes that the path that's going to make her happy is leaving the marriage. You both want the same objective, you both seek the same outcome, happiness, you just have departed ways on how you're actually going to get that at this point. So if we put it in these terms, no emotional safety equals no happiness. This is why it's critical. No stability in the marriage equals no happiness. No communication, or for you, no sex equals no happiness. If this isn't fundamentally fixed, nothing else you say, do, think, or try is going to make quite frankly an arse slicker difference to what's going on. So here's the diagnostic. This is the part where we start to get serious and a little bit uncomfortable. So imagine being married to this person. They're terminally negative, just negativity all the time. They're depressed, anxious all the time. They're critical, they're dismissive, nothing good to say about anything or anybody ever. They're pessimistic all the time. They're the type of person that has a problem for every solution. No matter what you suggest, it's like, yeah, but there's always a problem. They're terminally miserable and they're always in victimhood mode. They're a victim. She did this to me. The government did that to me. It's society's fault, it's taxes' fault, it's interest rate, it's everyone's fault but mine. Imagine being married to that person. I know some of you are probably saying, you say you've met my wife. No, I'm actually talking about you. The question is, is this the version of you that she's experiencing right now? And if she's leaving, then that then reality informs us that to some degree or entirely that it actually is. And when you put it in these terms, it becomes very easy to see why this is so destructive to the marriage. So let me ask you these questions. Does that person that I've just described to you, does that person make you feel good about yourself? Yes or no? Are they nice to be around? Are they pleasant to be around? Is this the person that after church, after the church service, you seek out and you gravitate to because you want to talk to them, because you're addicted to them? Or is this the person that if you see them in the grocery store, you dive down an aisle and just pretend you haven't seen them? Do you actively seek this person out in your day-to-day life? Does this person that I've just described make you feel happy to be alive? Do they make you feel positive about life, give you hope, aspiration? Would you see a positive future with that person? Or would you actually want to get away from this person as quickly as you possibly can? So hopefully you can see here now that negativity is without a doubt the most common cause of marriage collapse, and it is most certainly the most common and the most powerful amplifier of marriage collapse. Now everybody has problems in their marriage with human beings, right? Like it's it's gonna happen. But negativity is what amplifies those problems to the point that they just can't be dealt with anymore. It amplifies the problems to a point to where the person says, I don't feel good, you don't make me feel good about myself anymore, to the point I don't want to be around you, and the future that I see with you is decidedly worse than any future without you. No matter how bad that future is, you are the worst option. And that is what is happening in a marriage situation. If we can't face that and recognize that I am the worst option, then you can't fix the problem. As hard as that is for us to hear as men, if we can't recognize that, then we're going to be incapable of fixing the problem. So, what is the 30-day reset that stops the divorce protocol? Well, the objective here is to eliminate all negativity from your mind for a continuous 30-day period. So let's be specific here. What counts as negativity? Because we need precision. Don't be negative, it's very vague. It's escape language. It's like it leaves it up to you to determine if this is negative. A lot of us will go, well, yeah, it's not positive, but it's justified. No, it's still negative. So let's define the precision here. So this reset, if you choose to participate in it, it prohibits the following categories for a continuous 30 days. Internal negativity. So what is that? And this is not exhaustive by any stretch, this is just to get you in the ballpark, right? Complaining. When you complain, you become a giant shit magnet. All you do is attract to you other people who want to complain. If you go in a Facebook group and complain about your wife, you will attract a hundred other men who want to complain about their wife immediately. If you go into a Facebook group and say, I realize that I've messed my marriage up and I'm seeking to improve myself to so I realize now that fix the man, fix the marriage, you will attract other men to you that understand fix the man, fix the marriage mentality. If you complain, you are going to do nothing but attract shit to you. I don't know. Now a lot of us won't won't see that as negative, but let me explain what I don't know actually means and why it is so negative. Let's put it in this context. I don't know why she's upset. I don't know why you're upset right now. Is that positive or negative? I don't know what to do. I've got no clue. I'm clueless. I don't know. Positive or negative? I don't know what she wants. I don't know what you want, woman. Positive or negative? Well, the answer is this is avoidance thinking. You're avoiding taking responsibility for the situation. And what this signals to your wife is low control. And from her perspective, all she sees and all she understands is he doesn't understand me. He doesn't understand the problem. He's not leading me, he's not leading this household. That he's not solving any of the problems that I need solved in order to stay. That's what I don't know communicates, and that's why it's so very negative. So the next one is self-pity. Well, we know what self-pity is, right? Poor, poor pitiful me. Again, that's gonna victimhood and blaming, etc. Imagined future failures. I call this catastrophe thinking. You all you can see is what can go wrong, all you can see is is the damage that can potentially happen. You decide to focus on the downside instead of focusing on the upside. I talked to a uh a very, very, very wealthy property developer one time and he just closed. He probably made $30 million that day on a deal that he closed. And I asked him, I said, What goes on in your mind to do that? How did you how did you do this? Because I I don't have the bores to do that. That took some bores, and he goes, I stopped asking myself, what if it goes wrong? And I started asking myself, what if it goes right? And I'm like, my goodness, what a question. There's no more when we are the the question, what if it goes right is equally as valid as what if it goes wrong. There's no evidence to support either one. It's just the the question that we ask and what we imagine speaks volumes as to who we are and what we believe and what we create. And start asking the question, men, what if this works? What if it goes right instead of asking the question, what if this goes wrong? And stop internal arguments with imaginary opponents. Many of you say, Oh, well, I hate arguing with my wife. No, you don't. You love it. Like you she does your wife doesn't even have to be present for you to have an argument with her. You'll you'll rehearse an argument in your head with her on the way home. You'll you'll take something that you're gonna talk to her about, you're gonna decide that she's gonna respond negatively, and you're gonna have the fight with her in the car on the way home. Your wife doesn't even have to be present for you to fight with her. That's how much you crave conflict with your wife, and this has to go. Second category is external negativity. Criticism without a proposed correction. A lot of men will go, well, I'm just telling the truth, I'm just saying the way it is. Well, that's fine, say like it is, constructively criticize, that's a good thing, but don't do it without a proposed correction, that's abuse. To say, Cody, these videos suck, I don't like them, that's fine. Maybe they do suck, and maybe you have every reason not to like them, but what do you want to see in them? Tell me what you want, don't tell me what you don't want, tell me what you want. Sarcasm. Nobody likes a sarcastic person. Blame, victimhood, etc. It's always somebody else's fault, it's never my fault. Everyone's to blame but me. And then C is environmental negativity. Now, this is this is your highest leverage point here, so you will not outperform your environment. So this is going to be just as some simple examples. News media. Stop turn turn the news off. The best thing on the television is the off switch. Turn it off. It's designed to keep you scared, to keep you manipulated. That's all it is. Social media scrolling. What what benefit have you got from social media scrolling? Zero. YouTube Doom commentary, etc. If it's negative, if it doesn't support your outcome, if it doesn't support your mission, get it out of your life. It's as simple as that. If it pollutes your clarity, it is out. Whether the the current war that's going on in Iran is whichever side of that you're on, who gives a crap? If it is it justified or is it not justified? Well, what does it matter? Is that gonna help your marriage? If you're able to figure that out in your infinite genius, what are you gonna do? Go get an audience with Donald Trump or somebody? No, it's completely pointless, it's irrelevant, makes no difference to anything in your life. And then there's the replacement protocol. So uh nature abores a vacuum. When you remove something, you have to replace it with something else. So what the reset is actually about, it's about subtraction, right? We're subtracting negative behavior that can't be lived with. So we've got to subtract the trash out of our consciousness, which ultimately subtracts the trash out of our marriage and then replace it with something. So what do we replace it with? Well, we replace reaction with control, self-control. We replace complaining with decisions or complaints with action, complaints with suggestions. I remember one time my wife kept saying she wanted to go on on vacation. I said, Well, pick somewhere. And she goes, I want you to pick some. So I picked somewhere and I booked it and she complained. And it's like, no input in the decision, no, no input into the outcome. Don't don't tell me you don't want to go here, here, here, and here. I don't need to know where you don't want to go. I need to know where you do want to go. I need to know what you do want. Don't complain about what's going on. Tell me what you want, tell your wife what you want, and then place renew uh rumination with action. Basically, the uh analysis, paralysis, right? Thinking things through what could go wrong over and over again, etc. Get stop that and start taking action. So, what are the rules for the reset? There are some very specific rules here. So the first one is the clock reset, we reset the clock. The clock resets back to day one anytime there's negativity. So there's a 10-second rule here. You can't control what comes into your head, right? Negative thought pops into your head, that's fine. That's why we have the 10-second rule. You have 10 seconds to get it out of your head and recognize it and replace it with something positive. If if you hold that idea for more than 10 seconds, you're indulging yourself now and you're playing with it, and we reset back to day one. So this is not golf, there's no mulligans here, there's no I slipped up, but it's fine. If you slip up, it's not fine. We go back to day one. That the in order for this to work, it is 30 continuous days, not 30 days over a period of 12 years. So the reset mirrors your marriage, the reset mirrors your wife. It requires results, not intentions. Nobody cares about your intentions, they only care about the results that you produce. So you can have every intention to do this, but we don't care about that. We only care about the results. So to be clear, this is a 30-day enforcement cycle. 30 continuous days. Now, the second one is the daily log or the journal. Let me make this super easy for you, right? There's no journal in your feelings, etc. One entry per day, and it's binary. Did you maintain the diet today? Yes or no? This could the journal could be a spreadsheet for you. 30 days, yes or no, red or green. You either did this or you didn't. You either maintained the diet today and eliminated negativity or you did not. It's that simple. We don't care how you feel about it, we don't care about your emotions, we don't all we care about our results. Yes or no. And rule number three is accountability, which this is the biggest one. So the men in the private group here, you've got this. This is the win, right? So let me share with you how you use this accountability to your best effect. And if you're not in the group, here's some tips as well. First, share failures with people, not excuses. Share where you fell down so they can help build you up. Nobody cares about your excuses when it comes to saving your marriage to your marriage. We care about where it broke so we can fix it. We don't care about whose fault it was that it was broke, so you don't have to it broke so you don't have to be responsible for it. Second is share facts, not feelings. I feel like she feels this way about me. I feel like she wants to be another with another man. What are the facts? Has she been with another man? Yes or no? Facts, not feelings. Thirdly, share patterns, not stories. This is about pattern recognition. Stories keep you stuck, patterns help you see the way out. A map is a pattern, a story is a fantasy. And finally, we want data, not drama here. Uh most of us are just addicted to drama. When we actually ask the hard questions and ask for the data point so we can get feedback, we get drama, we get stories. And rule number four is the environmental control. Again, this is this is the most powerful one. If a man keeps the same environment, he's not going to change. This is why the most important thing in a business is its culture. If it has a toxic culture, if the culture of the business is one of toxicity and laziness and criticism, and you go into that business and you're a very positive person, one of two things will happen, only two possibilities. You will become toxic and critical, you will you will adopt to the environment, adapt to the environment, sorry, or you will say this is toxic and you will leave the environment. Those are the only two options. Men and women who think that they can go into an environment and change it are delusional. It's not going to happen. The fastest way to change your life is to change the environment. So it's getting around people that have shared views, shared worldviews, shared outcomes. The sum total of your life can be is going to be the average of the five people that you hang out with the most. I can tell you, your finances are the average of the five people you hang out with the most. Your marriage reflects the five people you hang out with the most, their marriages. That's why the highest leverage activity you can do is get into a group like this and be around men who all want to fix themselves so they can fix the marriage. Men who share the same goals, share the same outcomes, have the same objectives. Men who will have abandoned victimhood. Because without this, you will fail. If you're in the wrong environment, you simply will fail. There is no way to overcome environment. There is there's only change your environment. That's all there is. And this, as I've just said, is absolutely the highest leverage point. So at a minimum here for the for the 30-day challenge, you must alter one environmental factor immediately. If you can't change your entire environment, then you must unfollow somebody. You must mute a conversation online, you must delete something, a channel you follow on YouTube, block something, block somebody, decline an invitation, replace uh something that's going to be negative with something that's going to be positive. These words here unfollow, mute, delete, block, decline, and replace. This is how you can start to replace and change your virtual environment, if not immediately your physical environment. And this is going to be the highest leverage activity that you can actually get into. So, what are the expected effects here if you do this? What can you expect? Well, within seven to ten days, you will start to see predictable shifts within her and within the marriage. So if you successfully do this, emotional stability starts to replace reactivity. Stabilization starts to show up, conflict intensity drops dramatically. When you start negative, when you stop negatively. Interpreting situations, you stop being a warlord and start becoming a peacemaker. Conflict intensity drops. She becomes more willing to engage in conversation, and as a result, her defensive behavior softens. She no longer sees you as a threat. She starts to see you as an ally and a confidant. And I said, get her addicted to you. Well, this is absolutely true. She's addicted to happiness. She already has an addiction, as do you, as I've pointed out, right? The only problem is her happiness dealer is outside of the marriage right now. If you can become her happiness dealer, she needs that dopamine hit. Every time you build her self-esteem, dopamine hit, every time you make her feel good about herself, dopamine hit. Every time she feels heard, understood, seen, valued, validated, dopamine, dopamine, dopamine, dopamine, dopamine. When I say get her addicted to you, I'm not even joking. That's not hyperbole. Because she's already addicted to happiness, become her dealer. Your drug you deal with is happiness. What I'm teaching you here, what I'm telling you, is the pathway to that. And it quite frankly is the only pathway to that. Any reconciliation, any any marriage recovery that happens without this, it's a false recovery. She's not come back because she loves you and she's seen the error of her way. She's come back because she's more scared of what's out there than she is of you. She she even she hasn't looked at you and gone, he's a good option. She's looked at what's out there and gone, yeah, that's a really, really, really, really, really bad, really, really, really scary option. He's just really bad and really scary. That's really, really bad and really scary. You don't want that. And connection begins to return. So, what is the consequence if you decide to just ignore my advice here, which most of you, quite frankly, will do, what's gonna happen? Well, if a man cannot go 30 days without negativity, we're not dealing with habits, we're not dealing with bad habits. What we're dealing with is complete identity malfunction, disorder, breakdown. The man is addicted to chaos. His dependence is not on stability and order, his dependence is on emotional stimulation. And the way you get that is to trigger your wife. And it's it shows an unwillingness to enforce internal boundaries. If you cannot even enforce and respect your own internal boundaries, it is it's quite frankly an absolute impossibility and a ridiculous idea to think that you are going to respect external boundaries. You you are indicating to your wife that this man cannot even uphold his own internal boundaries. How on earth can I expect him to hold my external boundaries? It's just a joke. You're just communicating that you are incapable of creating that stability that she is desperate for within the relationship. So the final terminal phase here, when this goes right, is she will start to initiate interactions with you again. Slowly but surely, as she starts to get small dopamine hits from you saying something nice to her, from you being positive, from you being the man that is moving forward and progressing, and that she wants to attach herself to, she's going to start to initiate small interactions. Conversations at first will become neutral, then they'll become positive, then they will become sought out, and then they will lead to intimacy. This is how it happens. It's a process. Her resistance to you, and ultimately the resistance to the marriage begins to disappear. She starts to forget. The greatest mechanism that you have available to you is forgetfulness. As human beings, it is our defense mechanism. It's why we don't remember the first five years of our life because if we did, we'd be so traumatized by the mistakes that our parents make, we just wouldn't be able to get through life. God, in his infinite grace, wisdom, and mercy, has caused us to be very forgetful. We forget trauma, we forget damage, we forget pain and harm. Your job is to allow that to happen, to stop re triggering it, stop reminding her of the trauma that you cause, stop reminding her of the pain that you inflicted on the relationship. That's all you need to do. And I've just walked you through all of the steps to do that. So, why do most men not actually succeed in doing this when really this is the easiest thing in the world, right? This is easier than getting drunk and falling off a chair. It's because understanding is easy. Intellectual acknowledgement is easy, but actually doing it when it matters is very, very difficult. And as I said, nobody cares about your intention, we care about your results. So most men are able to understand the concepts that I've just laid out to you, but almost none of them actually successfully execute it. So if you want to be one of those men that are able to actually execute on this and remove the remaining obstacles that will cause you to fail, then I have a video, I'll put it right here, it's beyond the scope of this video where I'll show you exactly where all of these ambushes are and how to avoid them so you can execute this and you can actually succeed in saving your marriage. So that's it for this presentation. If you're on YouTube, uh if you like this type of analysis, give me a give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and if you're in the private group, we'll jump over to the QA now and uh we'll take questions and coaching, etc.