You Think It’s Not Over - That’s Why You’re Losing Her

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🚨 If you want to save your marriage and Win Your Wife Back, watch my masterclass here: https://codybutlercoaching.com/broadcast?utm_source=podcast

This workshop is built from nearly a decade of working with men in marriage crisis, watching some recover their marriage and watching others fail. The patterns are predictable.

Transcript

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Cody here. In this live workshop, I'm going to share with you the three-stage framework every man must master if he wants to save his marriage. I share practical, actionable insight into your wife's psychology and the steps you must take to work with it, not against it. By the end, you'll have a clear diagnostic outline so you know exactly why what you're doing is not working, how to turn frustration into momentum, and precisely what your wife needs to experience from you to progress through each stage quickly. This is a critical and rarely discussed requirement in saving your marriage. So that said, let's jump over to the class. Alright, so today I want to talk about the three-phase framework that your wife absolutely must have from you in order to return into this marriage. So we're going to talk about three containers that every marriage must pass through in order to recover. And this is not a nice to have, this is an absolutely essential. You do this if you have want to have any chance of success. If you don't do this, then there is no possibility of success. So the goal is to really give you the three containers today, and to have this is the diagnostic session to have you accurately diagnose which container you're currently in. Because that's going to be critical as you'll see as we move forward, and to understand why your efforts may be failing right now, even though you're doing your best and they're well intentioned, and you you seem to be doing everything right in your own opinion. So we're going to talk about that. And the goal also is to leave you with a map of how to move forward here, not in not just uh you know positive in inspirational stuff. So these are our outcomes positive versus accurate, motivational versus diagnostic. So I had a conversation this weekend with with somebody in marital distress, and I gave them some advice, and they said, Well, I can see why you're so popular now with your positive thinking. And I'm like, Well, this is not about positive thinking. I'm not here to think positive, and I'm not encouraging positive thinking. This is about accurate thinking. I'm not I'm not about positive thinking, I'm about accurate thinking, and I'm not a motivational speaker, I'm not here to motivate you or hope-evate you, give you some hopium, give you some inspiration. It's about diagnostic. So, what is what what I actually am for is accurate thinking and diagnostic thinking. These are going to be what moves the needle within your marriage. So the first the first principle here that we're going to look at is you cannot navigate territory that you do not know exists. You don't know what you don't know. And as obvious as that sounds, many people still don't really know that. So let me move over here and show you. This is this is my new technology here. My iPad. New technology. So you need three. Let's see how this works. Look at that. You need three things to get anything that you want. You need, in this case, a destination, which is reconciliation with your wife. You need a map, which these are the roads that get there. This is the map, this is the territory, these are all the roads, like this. And finally, you need a starting point. So this is you. If you have that, then it becomes very easy, right? It's like follow this road. This is how maps work. But here's the problem. If you don't have, if if this is your accurate starting point, if this is where you actually are, and you think you're here, we've got a problem. We've got a problem because you need to head south on I-4, and you think you've got to head west on Route 66. And you're gonna you're gonna make mistakes, and if you're not able to accurately understand this is where you are, and if you're not accurately able to diagnose where you are in this map, this map becomes entirely useless to you. It just is gonna make no sense, and you're gonna say it's broken, it's a useless map. This map doesn't work. When the reality is you think you're here when actually you're here. And this is the really the number one obstacle that virtually every man I've ever spoken to that wants to save his marriage faces. That makes reconciliation a virtual impossibility. It's not that the map is broken, or it's not that the reconciliation is impossible, it's he does not know where he is, so he does not take accurate, precise information or action. So a good a good example here is I had a conversation with somebody who potentially wanted to be a client yesterday, and he said, I think I'm here, Cody. I said, No, you're here, sir. And his response was, Well, I'm gonna respectfully disagree with you. I think I'm here. Well, where do we go with that? If you think if you think you're here when you're actually here, there's nothing that can be done to help you. There's that there's no strategy, there's no reset button, there's no formula, there's nothing, there's nothing to do other than end the conversation. And here's here's the truth. What we've got here, this is called reality. This is called reality. This is called stupidity. And if you want to save your marriage, you have to deal with reality, you have to accurately locate yourself, and then you have to follow the map without deviation. Now, can can you are there are there multiple paths to this? Sure, you can take you can take the scenic route, you can take the long route if you want to. You can go any there there are different paths to get there, but you do have to understand where you are. And that's what we're gonna look at today. We're gonna this is about diagnosis, it's not about hope. So let's see if I can bring my screen back up here. How do I do this? Okay, here we go, here we go. So we'll come back to this in a second. So you cannot navigate territory you do not know exists. Now, the territory we're talking about here is there are three containers. There's emotional safety and security, mutual admiration and respect, and shared vision and direction for life. So let me again just jump over to the the uh oh, how do I do this? Where do I bring up? Here we go. Let me jump back over to this and show you how this works. So these are the three containers. We'll call it emotional safety and security. This one is mutual admiration and respect. Re-respect. And then the final container here is a shared vision. Shared vision for life together. And here's the map. You go like this, like this, right? So it this is much easier to understand where you are and why these containers are important to what's going on here. Moving it backwards. So most men start here, right, with a shared vision. Like, I'm gonna create, I'm gonna present a shared vision for my life or our life together, and I'm gonna give her something she can believe in and buy into. And a lot of times it's like, well, I'm gonna take her on the holiday, I'm gonna show her the, I'm gonna remind her of the good times that we had, I'm gonna talk about what we could do moving forward. But here's the problem, right? A shared vision for a life together, she does not want to have a life with a man she does not respect. And in order to reestablish mutual admiration and respect, every single problem that you've had in your marriage has to be talked about and has to be resolved. So men go all the time, well, she's still bringing stuff up from 20 years ago, she just won't let it go, she just won't forget. Well, no, that's that's not true. Yes, she's bringing it up, but she will let go, she will forget. Once it's resolved, the reason she's still bringing it up is because it's not resolved, and the reason it's not resolved is because there is not enough emotional safety to discuss the problem and to resolve the problem. So, in order to have a shared life together, there has to be mutual admiration and respect, and for all in order for that mutual admiration and respect to be re-established, you have to establish emotional safety. You cannot start here, and you certainly cannot start here. Most men try to start in offering a shared vision and respect or shared vision. So, this is why we talk so about emotional safety being so important. I'm not gonna talk necessarily about how to do that. We did that in a in a previous call. If you're watching this, if you're watching the replay on YouTube, or if you want to see that, I'll stick a link in the description so you can go into that in-depth teaching on how to do this. But this is where you are, this is where you have to start. So these are the three containers, and this is the order that we have to go in. So let's let's look at let's look at that. Let's look at that in some detail now. So we just discussed the three containers. What's going on? My screen's locked up here. Here we go. So again, you can't we've just covered this, you can't navigate territory you doesn't know exists. So here's a key point here. The value is in this, is in the sequence, not in the effort. Unless you understand this sequence of phase one, two, and three, emotional safety, mutual admiration, and respect, it doesn't matter how much effort you're making. If you're acting in in phase two or three or container two or three, you you can be putting in an Olympic level of effort. It simply doesn't matter because you're in the wrong place. You haven't identified accurately where you are on the map, and now you're heading west on Route 66 instead of heading to Miami on I-4. So the key premise here is the recovery and reconciliation of your merit. It's not about intensity, sincerity, desire, effort, any of those things. It's about sequence. It's about sequencing events and it's about accurate diagnosis of where you are and acting appropriately in that particular moment. So, as I've just said, men do this backwards. They start at container three before building mutual admiration and respect, which requires emotional safety to do. This is the only place you can start sensibly. It is the only place that you have any possibility of victory. So the first principle to understand here, man, is she's not deciding whether she wants a life with you. She's not deciding whether she wants the life you present to her. She's not deciding if she likes the shared vision and goal. She's deciding if she wants you in her life. That's where she's at. That's what she's thinking about. Do I want this man in my life? Whereas most men are going, do you want this life? I'm presenting a life to you. It's a catastrophic mistake. And if you don't see that, you cannot get it right. So the three the negotiation, the non-negotiable rules are containers, these three containers are sequential. You do not skip them. You do not substitute, and you do not negotiate the order. If you try to do any of these, then well, I don't know what to tell you, to be honest. So the key point here is that these are not steps, they're rooms. It's the container that your marriage is currently in. Now that we've talked about the seven steps, or seven stages before. This is something completely different. Any one of those seven steps that we've talked about previously can be going on in any one of these rooms at any given time. So you cannot access the next room until the current one is stable. You simply cannot start to work on mutual admiration and respect until you've fully re-established emotional safety because it's a prerequisite. The emotional safety is a prerequisite to the mutual admiration and so on. So let's look at these containers one at a time in a little bit more detail. So the first one's emotional safety and security. We, as I said, we've looked at that previously. I'll stick a link in the description for the full class on that. But the psychological purpose of this statement is to establish in her mind whether the relationship environment is safe enough for truth. She's not going to move past previous hurts and past wrongdoings and past upsets until she's able to talk about it and the environment is stable enough to where she can tell you the truth. Is she going to be attacked or is she going to be received openly? So we'll do it, we'll do another class, I think, maybe next week on the nervous system, how to reset the nervous system. But this is fundamentally what is going on at this point. So what is happening psychologically inside her mind at this point in stage one, emotional safety, she's scanning for threats. Are you a threat to her? Are you a threat to her emotional state? Are you a threat to her security? Emotional security. Her nervous system is regulating herself around you. So if you're a highly volatile man, then her nervous system is regulating herself to a highly volatile man, which is going to shut her down. If you're an open receptive man who's has good communication skills, then her nervous system is going to reset to a man that is able to have a conversation. She's unable to choose in her conscious mind at any given point how she's going to show up. She's going to show up as her nervous system dictates. And her nervous system has been dictated to by your behavior over an extended period of time. So also in this stage, she's deciding what she must hide from you to avoid conflict. So we've had this conversation with many men, like we have a breakthrough, but it's like it requires a lot of conflict in order to get to that breakthrough. She, her goal is to avoid conflict. If it requires conflict for you to have a breakthrough emotionally, you're never going to get to that point. Because understand, she right now is deciding what must be hidden to avoid the conflict. If you are a man that brings conflict to a conversation, she's going to hide everything. So the key diagnostic question in stage one here in the emotional safety container is can she be fully herself without fear of emotional consequence? So the primary function here in the emotional safety container is that it allows problems to be spoken without escalation. Common failure points in this stage are simply you don't understand the map. That's why I started out showing you the map here. Men believe that they're in container two or three, when actually they're in container one. But the woman, your wife, is still trapped in the first container. You're working on re-establishing respect and building a life together, and she doesn't have safety around you. A woman is not going to respect a man that makes her feel unsafe. And again, where a lot of the inaccurate thinking comes from, the misdiagnoses comes from, is hearing phrases like, I respect you as a father, I respect you as a provider, I respect the physical security that you provide, I respect who you are as an employer or as an employee. She's respecting positions, not personal and personality. When she says I respect you as a father, she's saying I don't respect you as a husband. And if we look at what is she doing here, she's deciding what must be hidden to avoid conflict. When she says I respect you as a father, she's effectively saying I don't respect you as a husband. But she's doing it in a way that's hiding the truth to avoid conflict. So we've got to get rid of the hopium, we've got to stop looking for what we want to hear, and we've got to start hearing what is being spoken accurately. If she's in stage one and you're acting in stage or container two or three, well then again, the game's over, you've lost. So container two is mutual admiration and respect. And the purpose of this container is for her to determine whether the man is seen as competent, stable, and followable. Are you competent? And again, we have to honestly look at this. If she's asked you to take the trash out a hundred times and you haven't even done that simple test, you are not competent. If you've told her you're going to change a dozen times, but when the pressure gets applied, you erupt and have emotional outbursts, you are not stable. And if these are present, you are not followable. Understand that for you to have a for her to want to see a shared vision with you, you she wants that with a competent, stable, reliable man that she can follow off into the distance. And again, when we're looking at the map, and the man the man is unable to honestly and accurately diagnose where he is, then it makes this absolutely impossible. This is why this is not therapy. I I I've said this to many men, quite frankly, I don't care how you feel. How you feel makes no difference to the situation. I feel like I'm competent, Cody. Well, then why is she leaving? I feel like she could follow you. The only place she's following you is out the door, bro. What is what are you talking about? There is no negotiation here. There is no, I feel like, there is only accurate, diagnosable truth. And when a man goes, I see your point, Cody, but I'm willing to negotiate, I'm willing to concede that I'm I'm not as good as I think I am, but I'm not quite as bad as you say I am. I'm somewhere else on the map. It's like there is only one outcome that gets the result you want. You have to accurately pinpoint where you are on the map, or the map is utterly useless to you. And if you're if you're off even by one street, if you're one street over, then this is not gonna work for you. And this is why these these calls, coaching calls, are so very valuable, is because you need someone who can accurately diagnose where you are and is not afraid of you to hide that truth, or is not gonna buckle when pushback comes. When you're told that you're actually in New York and you think you're in Omaha, that when you're given your accurate location, that person is not gonna buckle under pressure, they're gonna hold their ground. So, what's happening in the mutual admiration and respect container? She's evaluating you. She's evaluating your emotional self-control. Do you have control of yourself? Your responsibility, ownership. Do you take ownership of your mess? Do you take ownership of your mistakes? Do you take ownership of the situation? Or do you work use language like, well, what about her? Doesn't she have responsibility in this? And she's looking ultimately for consistency between your words and behavior. Many of you want to be judged on this, your words, and you want your behavior to be excused. When the reality is, she doesn't give two damns about your words. You've proved to her that your words mean nothing. You've trained her nervous system to respond to your behavior, not listen to your words. When you said you were going to change a thousand times and you didn't, you abdicated your right to move the relationship forward with words. When you said you would do what you were going to do a thousand times and you didn't do it, you abdicated your responsibility to move the relationship forward with words. And you've by default moved to the stage of the relationship where your behavior and your behavior alone is what you're going to be judged by. This is the truth. This is your accurate location. This is the diagnostic. This is why it frustrates me when men go, Well, what do I say, Cody? What do I tell her? Give me the words. What do I say in this situation? It doesn't matter. You can tell her you're Santa Claus or the Grinch. It doesn't matter. She's not listening to you. She's looking at whether you put presents under the tree or whether you try to steal Christmas. That's all she cares about at this point. Now, this is critical. Write this down. Put it on your wall. Put it as the screensaver on your phone because this is one of the most valuable phrases you could ever hear. Respect is being recalculated, not remembered. She's not going to remember how you were in the early days. She's not going to look at who you could be or who you were or what your potential is. She's not remembering anything. She's drawn a line under that, and she is now recalculating. You have no credit in the bank. If you are going to be trusted moving forward, she's recalculating that trust based on your behavior and your behavior alone. Nothing else, nothing. Not your words, not your promises, not your potential, not who you think you are, none of that. So here's the key diagnostic diagnostic. Does she believe that I can handle truth without becoming unsafe? Now here's the reality. A lot of people who are watching the replay on YouTube right now who are not in this program, you're clicking, you're leaving crappy comments, you're clicking thumbs down, you're going, this guy's a clown, doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Because that is exactly what's going on here. I'm telling the truth, but it cannot be handled, right? For a lot of people. Your truth doesn't come into it. How you feel about that doesn't come into it. If you've misdiagnosed the situation, you are lost. And that is the most accurate word to describe the situation. You are utterly lost. And for some men, telling them that truth is going to trigger them and is going to make them unsafe. For other men, that is relief. Thank goodness I finally see that I'm lost, and now I can surrender and submit to getting some direction and some help. Up to you which side of the coin you're going to be on. So here's what's even going on now. In this very moment, a common male misinterpretation. Men experience feedback as attack. Women offer feedback as love. Some people right now are going to feel attacked, some people are going to feel loved. Whether you experience the attack or whether you experience the love really comes down to the type of man that you are. Are you emotionally safe and you can take feedback without becoming unsafe? And you experience what's being given as love and compassionate correction, or are you going to experience this as an attack, in which case you're emotionally unsafe, and quite frankly, it's over for you. I don't know how to sugarcoat that. So here are the failure points. So you can diagnose what's going wrong. Men try to demand respect. I deserve respect because of my history. I deserve respect because of who I am. Those days are over, brother. She's recalculating respect right now. If you are in a position to where respect is owed or demanded or entitlements, again, I don't mean to be rude, but let's just get you some candies and turn the cartoons on and let you sit in front of the TV. Because respect only emerges once safety is proven. She may respect him as a father, she may respect him as a business owner, she may respect him as the president of the United States, but she will not respect the man as her husband. She will not. So let's move on to container number three. Shared vision and life direction. So the purpose of this container is determine whether she wants to co-invest in a future with you. If you want to be my business partner, then I need to like the first thing I'm gonna do is determine do I want to be in business with this person? Do I like this person? Would I stay in a hotel with this person on a business trip? Would I be willing to tie my family's financial future to this person? I don't really care what you're presenting in terms of an offer or the amount of investment that you're bringing. I'm evaluating you as a person. I'm not evaluating what you can bring to me or for me or do for me. I'm evaluating who you are before I co-invest or allow you to co-invest into my future. This is what is going on. She's not in the least bit interested in the future that you are presenting to her. She's interested in who that future is going to be with. So again, let's let's get some psychological triggers here. Let's understand psychologically what's happening. She's projecting herself forward with the man. Can she see herself with the man? It simply doesn't matter what that future is, whether it's going around the country on a bus, or whether it's building a property empire, or whether it's having a family, or whether it's whatever, it doesn't matter. Can she see whatever it is with that man? That's the question. And if the answer is she doesn't respect you, the answer is no. She doesn't want to go on a cruise around the world with a man she doesn't respect. Simple ass. She's assessing what the long-term emotional cost is. If she can't be emotional safe, emotionally feel emotionally safe with you, and if she doesn't respect you, then the emotional cost of being with you is very high. She's asking questions. Will I feel safe here? Will I respect him here? Will he be a man I can respect and look up to? So this is a critical clarification that many, many men get wrong. Vision does not create desire. Showing her a vision for the future does not create an ounce of desire for you. And in fact, if she feels unsafe and doesn't respect you, showing her a vision of the future reiterates and reinforces just how bad that would actually be. What vision actually does, it creates expression for desire that already exists. It's an amplifier, it magnifies. If I'm in a dating situation with a woman and I love her and I can see spending the rest of my life with her, and that's a good thing for me, the idea of marriage and having a family amplifies that desire. It makes it greater, it makes it stronger. If I'm with a woman that I don't really like and she presents the idea of marriage, it destroys the desire. The vision you create only amplifies desire that already exists. So before you go to presenting that vision to your wife, I highly suggest that you are very, very clear about where you are on where she is at in terms of her desire for you, how she feels for you. So the key diagnostic question to ask yourself before entering this stage is she voluntarily future orientated with me? Is she voluntarily future oriented, or are you having to present a future? So common errors that we make. Presenting vision is persuasion. Which also is treating vision like a sales pitch, right? So it's it's creating the vision going, well, she's always wanted she's always wanted to go to Alaska to see brown bears in salmon season, so I'm gonna do that. This now becomes this vision now becomes persuasion and it becomes a sales pitch. It's using the vision as a manipulation to try and get her to see herself in a future with you, but understand and hopefully you understand now based on what we've just discussed. She's seeing herself, she's not seeing herself in in the vision with you, she's seeing herself tethered to a man that she doesn't respect and doesn't feel safe with. So here's the failure mode to be avoided here. Vision offered too early is experienced as pressure, not leadership. And in fact, really, you don't necessarily have to even present the vision. The shared vision of a life together is gonna start to come when she when she feels safe, she feels secure, and she feels like a man that she can respect and follow, she's gonna start to see herself in a future with you. This is this is not something that you can preempt. So here's the diagnostic framework. Hopefully you can see that it's critical, brothers, that you understand where you actually are actually at in this process, where you actually stand. Because if you get it wrong, you can't go right. It's not possible. So here are the rules of the diagnosis. Diagnosis is based on her behavior, not your intentions. What you intend means nothing at this point. You have to evaluate her behavior. You intending to create a future together is irrelevant if her behavior is showing that that's not what she wants. So the diagnosis is based on patterns, not moments. This is critical. So many people that I talk to want to be judged on moments, not patterns. I'm a patent, I'm my my superpower is patent recognition. I see patterns very quickly and very clearly at levels a lot of people can't see. And many men, you will have seen it if you've been in the QA sections, sessions after these calls, is they want to be judged on moments. Well, what about this, Cody? This happened last week, or what about this situation? I did this, she said that. I refuse categorically to look at a situation, particularly a marriage, and make a diagnostic based on a moment. That is simply a moment in time. Patterns are truth. And quite frankly, when when this happens, when moments are presented as proof, the pattern that it reveals is you want reality to be based on moments, not on established patterns. This is a fantasy. When a man says, but what about she said this, but what about I did that, but what about this situation? This is a man who is basing his interpretation of reality on moments, not pattern recognition. This is a man that's going to struggle, to be honest with you. So we also need diagnosis without self-justification. This is not about getting it right or getting it wrong or being a good person or being a bad person. None of that stuff. The only thing that matters is outcome. If you want to be a good guy with no wife, go for it. If you want to be a guy that sees yourself as problematic, but that puts you in a position to start to move forward through the containers and potentially get your wife back, then I would suggest that that's the case. Now, a lot of times, like we see a man will show up thinking that he's the hero in the story when the truth is he's the villain. And they will use self-justification to explain why they're the hero by using moments. Again, I'm not here to motivate you, inspire you, give you hope. I'm here to give you accuracy. I'm here to give you diagnostic precision. Because that's what's going to move your marriage forward. So again, diagnostic accuracy. Here's where we're at. Here's how you know which container you're in. If truth is withhold held from you by your wife, you are in container one. If she does not yet feel as though she can really open up with you in a meaningful way, and she's still withholding truth, you're in container one. If truth is spoken but respect is absent, you're in container two. Now, here's the thing, right? You can she can be telling you the truth, but she's doing it because she just doesn't care anymore. She just doesn't care how you respond. She just doesn't care what impact. She knows she's leaving, so she can tell you the truth now. Many men think that because they're being told the truth, that that's they're in container two. But being told the truth does not mean that she respects you. It may mean she's just so completely sick of you that she's overriding her nervous system. And here's here's the diagnostic truth, man. If containers one and two are avoided, container three is utterly inaccessible to you. You will never get there. If you are in one of these two and you've decided because of self-justification, because you're unable to accurately diagnose where you are that you're in container three, I don't know what to tell you. So here's the next question that many people are going to have. So, what do I do, Cody? What's my next step? You cannot move her containers forward. You cannot move her through these containers through strategy, manipulation, tactics, reset buttons. All you can do, your only and only path forward is to stop violating the container that you're in. Stop violating it. Remove, identify and remove the behavior that's causing the violation. If she is unable to share truth with you because you're unstable, remove what is causing the instability. Stop violating it. If she doesn't have mutual admiration and respect for you yet, figure out some way why she's not responsible. What are the problems? It's not she just is incapable of respecting you. She doesn't respect you for a reason. Figure out those reasons and start to work on them. The only path you have forward is to stop violating the conditions that are keeping you in the container, then you move forward by default. So why do men get stuck? What are some common landmines that we stand on? There are three there are actually four. There are four reasons. Not that anybody really cares. So, ego is the first one. I'm owed this. She owes me emotional safety. She owes me respect. Many men think their wife owes them respect. Well, maybe she does. Maybe she does owe you respect. Maybe you're absolutely right in thinking that, but that doesn't mean you're getting it, and if you haven't got it, it lights out, sweetheart. Two is and this really probably is the biggest one is patience. Men just refuse to accept that this is going to be on her schedule, and that's that. You don't get to decide how long it takes for her to feel safe with you. You don't get to decide how long it takes for respect to be re-established. This is just not something you get to decide. It takes as long as it takes. You have no control over this. The prayer is not how do I speed this up. The prayer is give me strength to stay in the stage I am in long enough with the patients to not screw this up. So it's problem number three is control. People want outcomes, not diagnosis, not diagnostics. Just tell me what to do. Just tell me what to do, Cody, to re-establish emotional safety. I haven't got time for this. She's told me that she's filing divorce at the end of the month, so I just I I understand what you're saying, Cody, but I don't have time to deal with this, so just tell me how I established emotional safety and mutual admiration and respect so I can just stop this divorce in the next 15 minutes. Men want control that is simply unavailable to them. And then the fourth reason is the victim mentality. Well, what about her? She's not faultless. Well, what about her role in this? I don't respect her. What about me? What about her rebuilding respect for me rebuilding respect for her? I don't feel safe around her. What about her building rebuilding safety for me? Well, all I can say to you, brother, is good luck. I wish you were with that. So misdiagnosis guarantees to failure. Guarantees failure. There's no ifs, ands, and buts about this. If you get this wrong, if you think that you're in stage or container three and you are not, or if you think you're in container two and you're in container one, you're done, brother. You're finished. Your slides out. You don't know where you are, and you're operating from a map that is functionally useless to you. So accurate diagnostics, accurate, accurate diagnosis creates leverage within the relationship. The second that you understand where you truly are and your path forward, this creates leverage because now every move that you take is accurate, it's precise, and it's impactful. You have to be willing to trade reality for fantasy. Fantasy is comfortable. Many of you think that you're a strategy away, or a reset button away, or a script away, or a sentence away from restoring your marriage. You think that you're 10, 15, 20 minutes away, or a month away from restoring your marriage. The truth is, your light years in the wrong direction. You're thousands of miles from where you think you are. And the second that you release the hope of being 15 minutes away, and you enter into the accurate diagnosis that you're actually a thousand miles from your dire destination, you now start to behave in a way that moves you closer to your destination every day. It creates leverage. So here's the win today. The map is the win. The layout is the win. The goal of this workshop is not to give you hope or establish hope or positivity or motivation. The goal is to give you accuracy. Accuracy is the win here. So you don't need better words, more effort, or a bigger vision for your marriage. What you actually need is to know where you are actually on the map right now, where you are standing, and to stop acting like you're somewhere else. That's it. So my question to all of you is which container are you actually in? Where are you? And that's it. That's that's what I've got for you today. So let's throw this open to some questions. Hey Cody here again. I hope you got a lot of insight out of that workshop. If your marriage is unstable and you want an unemotional assessment of whether it can still be saved, book a divorce prevention session using the link below. This is not advice or therapy. It's for men ready to take responsibility and act. We'll look at your marriage and I'll give you an unbiased view. This is also the first step to working together if you want serious help.