You’re Losing Your Marriage…And You Don’t See Why

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🚨 If you want to save your marriage and Win Your Wife Back, watch my masterclass here: https://codybutlercoaching.com/broadcast?utm_source=podcast

This workshop is built from nearly a decade of working with men in marriage crisis, watching some recover their marriage and watching others fail. The patterns are predictable.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

So if you want to change your wife's mind about divorce, I'm going to show you the exact sequence of events to do that today that will that will give you the best chance of changing her mind. But I will warn you as well that this is going to be probably my most controversial presentation yet, and it's going to piss a lot of people off, no doubt. So let me give you a warning here. This is an opportunity to have a quiet evening. So if you're easily triggered or you're a bit of a snowflake, then I would advise checking out right now. So there is a group of men who do successfully reverse the divorce process and win their wife back from separation, from affair, from a divorce request, from legal papers filed, you name it, there are a bunch of different circumstances. And they do it by following the advice that I'm going to share here. So I can tell you after well over 10,000 conversations now with men in divorce crisis. I can tell you with a very, very high level of certainty within 60 seconds of speaking to that man if he is going to save his marriage or if he's going to lose his marriage based on the first 60 seconds of the conversation, whether he's going to have success or not, because the situation that he's in, the marriage situation, has almost absolutely nothing to do with success, and whether he succeeds or not has absolutely everything to do with him personally. So let's talk about the facts of the situation here to help you understand this. 70 plus percent of men, according to statistics, never saw divorce coming. In other words, they were completely blindsided by it. And that, after 10,000 conversations, I can tell you that holds true in my personal experience. So let that sink in for just a second here. Seven out of ten men whose wives asked for a divorce or one out of the marriage have had no idea that it was coming. So let's put that into a different context just so we can see exactly what that really means. So what about the Fortune 500 CEO who says, I had no idea we were going bankrupt to the board? We ran out of sick money six months ago. I had no idea that that was happening. Or what about the ship's captain who says to the crew, sorry guys, I didn't realize we had a massive leak in the hull and we were sinking? Or what about the doctor treating a patient who says to the nurse, sorry nurse, I had no idea that patient stopped breathing 30 minutes ago. When somebody says, I had no idea my wife was unhappy, or I had no idea she was thinking about divorce, or I had no idea, fill in your own blank, that statement is functionally identical to I had no idea the plane was out of fuel. And in every other domain of life, that level of awareness failure has a name. We call it incompetence. That is incompetent behavior. Now, marriage is the only domain where people try to excuse this awareness failure. Every other domain, accountability is immediate and it is would be absolutely demanded. The ship that sunk killing a thousand passengers because the the ship's captain didn't understand the ship had a leak, accountability would be demanded of that person. So in marriage, not only is accountability not demanded in a situation of catastrophic awareness failure, the man actually expects to be sympathized with, comforted, and excused from his behavior. This is like the doctor who said, I had no idea the patient stopped breathing 30 minutes ago, but it's not my fault. How am I supposed to keep track of everything? It's an absurd situation. And not only that, quite often they'll actually try to put the blame on somebody else. So the brutal truth here is that most men do not lose their marriage through a lack of effort trying to save the marriage. They lose their marriage because they are absolutely confident in interpretations that are absolutely wrong. Or in other words, it's not what you don't know that's it's not what you know that's doing the damage. Sorry, it's not what you don't know that's doing the damage, it's what you believe is true that actually isn't. So this brings us to the ego problem. And this is when we talk about the exact steps that men take that save their marriage. You've got to realize that your ego is the culprit here. You gotta eat you've got to realize that your ego is what is destroying your marriage. And the first step is to recognize that most men refuse to save their marriage for one reason and one reason alone. Their ego matters more than the marriage does. And we all talk about this. Anyone that's in the program with me understands the first question that I ask and repeat quite constantly is what's more important to you? Do you want to be right or do you want to be married? If you want to be right, then your ego is running the show. If you want to be married, then you have to crucify your ego on a daily basis. And it's gonna hurt. So the next question quickly becomes, if you already knew how to fix your marriage, why haven't you done it yet? The number of men to say, I I want to be, I want to be married, of course I do, Cody, and then go on to proceed to tell me how they're gonna fix the marriage. If you knew how to fix it, why haven't you done it? Is my question to you. And the answer is there are only two possibilities, there are only two realities that exist in any situation. And the first one is this. The first situation is the ego position, which is I'm just fine, the whole world is the problem. The problem with the marriage is not me, it's the mother-in-law. It's her, it's the time of the month, it's the female change. This is just what women do. She's getting bad advice, her friends are in her ear, it's the church, it's this, it's that, it's everything else. I'm fine. My relationship skills are on point, the whole world is the problem. This is the ego position. The second position, or option two, is the world is just fine. My interpretation of what is going on is actually the problem. Now, most men automatically default and choose option one in this situation. Now, the most dangerous mistakes and the worst mistakes that you make in a marriage are not the ones that you're aware of. Most of us who are watching this call, we're not nasty people. We're not, we're not just, we don't wake up in the morning and go, How am I how can I hurt my wife and family today? How can I do damage today? And you avoid all of the mistakes that you can see, you avoid the pitfalls and the traps. It's not the traps that you can see that are doing the damage, it's the traps and the and the uh ambushes that you have no idea that are there, the ones that you are not aware of that are causing the problem. So they're the mistakes that you have, zero awareness. There are two psychological traps that men fall into in these situations. These are scientific phenomena. I'm not going to go into the scientific details of this, you can Google this, it's well documented. But it's called the first one is called the Dunning-Kruger effect. And this, as I say, is a is a well-documented psychological pattern, and it is that low skill often creates false confidence. So the reason is because the same skills required to perform a task well are also the same skills that are required to detect the mistakes. If you are unable to detect your mistakes, you are unable to perform well. So this happens everywhere in life. We see it all the time. We see it in driving. Driving's a great example, right? When you first get your driver's license, you've never been more confident and you've never been more incompetent. It's the most dangerous time of somebody getting in their life, really, because they believe they have skill that they don't, they have false confidence. Business, investing, leadership. All of these things are the same problems. When somebody starts investing, they believe that they have skills that they don't, they think that they understand, and this is why they lose money. They have confidence in an ability that they don't have. And this is never more true than in relationships. Bottom line is you can put it like this you simply don't know what you don't know. But most men think they do. Let me ask you a question. If you had a blind spot, would you see it? The answer is no, of course you wouldn't. That's why it's called a blind spot. If you had a delusion, a delusion, would you know that you had that delusion? Would you be aware of it? No, of course you wouldn't. That's why it's a delusion because you can't see it. You don't know what you don't know, you don't understand what you don't understand. Yet many of us, due to the Kruger-Danning effect, believe that we do, and we have a false level of confidence within the relationship. We have higher skill, we think we have higher skill than we actually do, and we just drive the marriage into destruction. So people often feel confident before they become competent, which is explained by another phenomenon, scientific phenomenon, that reinforces this principle, and it is called the illusion of explanatory depth. Many of you have fallen into this, fall into this trap. And what it is is people believe that they understand something simply because they've heard it explained. Many of you watching this video on other videos of mine or been through my programs, you think you understand what's going on because you heard it. Nothing could be further from the truth. Now, the core concept here is understanding a concept simply does not equal being able to execute a concept. Just because you've been exposed to it doesn't mean that you're now competent in it. And this again is a trap most people fall into. This is why. So let's move this from fantasy into reality. Let's move this from thinking that you know what you're doing to actually understanding what you're doing. And there is only one objective reality that we use here, and that is results. The life you live, or the life you are living right now, is a direct reflection of the skills that you have. Let me let me give you a short story here to illustrate this. When I was younger, I wanted to learn the seminar business. I still want to learn the seminar business. So the way I learn is I find the best people in the world and I try to get around them. So at the time, Success Resources, they still are actually promoting Tony Robbins' uh his seminars. So I got a job with Success Resources, and I was talking to Richard Tan. I was lucky enough to speak to Richard Tan, the CEO and founder, one day, and he said, How do you know, Cody, if you give good seminar? How do you know you give good presentation? Is it because people clap and say good presentation? Or is it because everyone stands up and say, amazing job, or is it because you get standard innovation? How you know if you'd give good presentation? He goes, No, you know from credit card receipts. That's how you know, you know from credit card receipts. And what he is saying is like it doesn't matter what you think, how good your presentation was, there is only one objective measurement, and that's credit card receipts. Credit card receipts equal success, no credit card receipts equal no success. So what I demand is receipts, I need to see receipts from you. I can't accept that you've done A, B, C, and D unless the receipts are there. So let's apply this logic to some different situations, right? So you can see this clearly. If a man who owns a business claims that he's highly skilled in business, I understand business intimately, Cody, I'm excellent at finance, I'm world-class at marketing, I'm the best salesperson in the world, I've built an amazing sales team, I'm world-class leadership, but this man's business is failing and he's financially distressed. His beliefs about himself and his skills contradict reality. This same logic applies to a man that believes that he understands women, that he understands female psychology, a man says, I understand communication, Cody, I understand emotional safety, I understand leadership of the home, I understand what it means to be male masculine leadership, I understand how marriages work. But his wife is still moving towards divorce, she still wants out of the marriage. His beliefs simply contradict reality. This man is utterly delusional. If you understand marriage, if you understand female psychology, I want to see the receipts. How many times did you have sex this week? Where are the receipts? No receipts. You don't understand what is going on. And this this is the key right here. Men that can hear this can correct this. Men that can't hear this, they you know, they've answered the question, do you want to be right or do you want to be married? They'll say with their mouth that they want to be married, but with their action they want to be right. So quite frankly, reality simply does not care what you believe. You you if you get a if you plant seeds and you think they're tomato seeds and you get watermelons in the fall, you planted watermelons. I don't care how much you believe you planted water tomato seeds, I don't care what you think about the situation, if in the fall watermelons are coming up, you planted watermelon seeds. But most men think that if that their belief changes that reality. If they say enough times that's not true, I telling you, Cody, I planted tomato seeds. Well, you've lost your marriage, bro. That's all I can say. You've lost your marriage. There's no there's no way to recover it at this point. So let me say this is not a personal judgment of you, this is not an attack on you, this is not me digging into you and having a go. This is me simply laying out what reality is. Um this is a diagnosis of your situation. If you tell me, if you show up with holding a bloody armful of watermelons and you tell me that you planted tomato seeds in the spring, I'm sorry, but you didn't. I'm gonna diagnose your situation. And I said I, you know, I can tell within 30 seconds how if a man's gonna save his marriage, if the man is going to hold to the fact that he planted tomato seeds in the spring, he's done. I can tell you with a 100% level of certainty that that man is not gonna save his marriage because he's deluded, he's delusional, he's detached from reality, and his ego will not allow even the obvious to inform him. So here's the bottom line: reality is the scoreboard. I talk to business owners, friends, and the guy goes, I've got a great business, Cody. It's a really, really good business. I'm just having some cash flow problems right now. It's like, what are you talking about, bro? A good business throws off cash. You don't know what you're talking about. If your business is strapped for cash and having cash flow problems, it's not a good business. No, you don't understand, Cody, it's a good business, it's just the people that I've decided to work with. They're broke and they don't ever pay their bills. Then it's not a good business, is it? If a marriage is failing, you don't have marriage skills. If a business is failing, you don't have business skills, if your finances are failing, you don't have finance skills. And if you want to tell me, if you're more interested in telling me why your business is failing, then getting the diagnosing and getting the skills, if you're more interested in telling me why your marriage is failing instead of going, okay, it's failing, it's indisputable, that's the scorecard, and actually sitting down and getting the bloody skills that you need to fix the marriage, you're done. That's it. There's no nice way to say it, you're done at that point. So who am I talking all this smack to you? Well, I'm not your mentor and I'm not your guru. I know a lot of people look to me and go, you know, as an advisor, a coach, a guru. I'm not. I am simply the guide showing you your results. Your results are your mentor. Let reality guide you, let your results guide you. Let what is going on be your score your scorecard within your marriage. I'm not here to tell you what to do. I'm here to help you diagnose the problem within the marriage and accurately work on it. Here's the exact steps that will save any marriage. Try, fail, analyze, adjust. That's it. Most men don't want to try because they think they're gonna fail. If they fail, they think that's it, and then they simply don't analyze the results and adjust their approach. My job here is to help you, you've got to try and fail. My job is to help you analyze and adjust. And most of you won't let me do that. You you you simply you try and you fail, and then you want to tell me why it wasn't your fault that you failed. Well, okay, it wasn't your fault that you failed. You failed, but you still failed, and without the analyze and adjust section of the equation, that's it. That you're done. You're right, it's over for you. So results expose skill gaps. When you try and fail, that exposes a skill gap. Reality is telling you this is where you're deficient, this is the skill that you are missing, this is your blind spot. God is actually trying to help you here. You just won't let him. But the only way God or me or anyone can help you is you have to sacrifice, you have to crucify your ego every single day because your ego is not going to tolerate being told that you're incompetent. Why do most men stay stuck? Because they repeat the same actions over and over and over again. They're so hellbent on being right, they just do the same thing. They interpret their wife's reactions through the same assumptions, through the same lens, through the same ego, and they keep searching for the answers in the same place. It's like the lost keys problem. So a man loses his keys. We've all done this, right? He looks under the couch, they're not there. He looks in the drawer, they're not there. So what does he do? He goes back and he looks under the couch again, then he looks in the drawer again, then he looks under the couch again, then he looks under the drawer again. Over and over. How many people have looked under the couch at least 20 times when they've lost their keys? At some point, the evidence becomes obvious. The keys are not under the couch. What you are looking for is not where you're looking for it. But how you do anything is how you do everything, friends. If you've looked under the couch more than once for a key that's lost, or you've looked in a drawer more than once for a key that's lost, you keep looking in the same place for answers after reality has informed you that the answers are not there. But it doesn't stop you from looking, it doesn't stop you from doing the same thing over and over and over again. And this is exactly what men do in marriage crisis. They think even though everything points that the keys are not under the couch, you're gonna look there another 20 times. So here's the the next exact step that men take who see who save their marriage. They let reality be their mentor, they let reality be their guide. Again, how do I know in 30 seconds if a man's gonna save his marriage? One one question will tell me, does this man does this man follow reality or does this man follow his own ego? So here's the question. If what you wanted, if what you're seeking, if what you what you are looking for existed where you have been looking for it, you'd already have it. If the keys were under the couch, you would have found it by now, you would have them. If the the results that you're looking for in your marriage are where you think you're gonna find them, you would have them by now. So let's draw some inevitable conclusions here. An honest evaluation based on reality and facts, not emotion, leads to only one possible conclusion in this whole situation. The results you want are not found where you think they are. So the big idea in this whole presentation is marriage breakdown. This is not personal. Like a lot of people will take this as a personal attack. This is not personal. Marriage breakdown is data, it's all it is. It's information. Try, fail, read the data, adjust. What organization, what process in the world that like gets any results at all doesn't follow that process? Marriage breakdown is not a personal attack on you, it is simply a data point. That if you were plugged in to Reality and you're willing to crucify your ego on a daily basis, and you are more concerned with being married than you are with being right. Read the data points. They're smacking you in the face. Because feedback only becomes wisdom, only when it is accepted and acted upon. Remember, we talked about being exposed to information. Many men think they're competent because they are exposed to information. No, if you're not doing it, you don't know it. You can tell me that you understand what emotional safety is. If you're not applying it in your life, in your marriage, you don't understand it. You don't know it. You think you do. You have academic information, not wisdom. That academic information only becomes wisdom when the formula is applied to it. You use it, you try it, you fail, you analyze and adjust. So here's the reality where many people are ignored feedback, ignored feedback becomes repeated mistakes. That's all it is. Your wife is only going to let you make the same mistake over and over and over and over again. Say he's this guy's not smart enough to get in out of the rain. So outcomes are predictable. So my role in this whole process is not to tell you what to believe, it's not to give you the skills, it's not any of that stuff, it's not to be your mentor. My role is simply to help you interpret the data, to help you interpret the feedback that your marriage is giving you. That's it. Because that is the formula, that is the key. There is no easy way, there is no button, there is no. You have to be able to accurately interpret the feedback that your wife is giving you as to the correction of course that is needed for the marriage and implement it. Data has to turn into information, information has to become action, action becomes wisdom, ba-da-boom, bada bam, you're knocking boots with your wife again. Happy days. Most of you, you just can't get out of your own way for long enough to let your wife help you. So I also, my goal is to help you see the patterns that you cannot see yourself. Why do fighter planes fly in pairs like this? Because they have a blind spot. A fighter plane will never fly by itself because it understands that it has a blind spot. And the only way you can defend against a blind spot is a secondary opinion, a different angle. This doesn't have to be genius, life-changing, intellectually stimulating advice. It just has to be you've got a bandit on your sixth, break left. Simple stuff. You know, a lot of you, you just listen to the wrong bloody people, man. You just got itchy ears and you want to listen. Like you listen to fat people that are giving advice on how to lose weight. You listen to broke people that give advice on how to make money. You listen to divorce people and men's victims groups on how to have a successful marriage. Stop it for God's sake. Find somebody that has the result that you are looking for in the area that you're looking for, the result, and get some gosh darn advice from people that get the results. The number of like when when I lose, I I lost weight recently, and the number of people, fat people, that criticized me and said you're doing it wrong. I just lost 20 kilos, bro. You freaking uh you're 20 kilos overweight and you're giving me advice. People give me people give me financial advice. Just bought another investment property. You what are you? You're on welfare and you're giving me advancial advice. Stop it. Stop it. So I'm here just to help you adjust your behavior accordingly. If you want to save your marriage, you've got to understand you've got blind spots, you've got delusions, and you cannot fix them by yourself. You cannot see it by yourself. When you've got a blind spot, you cannot see into it no matter how hard you try. So the final question here, and we're gonna wrap this bad boy up, is if what you wanted, if what you're looking for, existed in the places that you think it exists, if it exists in the places that you think it you're gonna look for it, why haven't you found it yet? Why? Well, the part the possibility is the answer exists in some way you've not been willing to look yet. That's the answer. Because the truth of the matter is you've done everything that you know to do, you've done everything that you've willing to do, you're willing to do, you've looked everywhere that you you know to look, and you still haven't found it. I I talk to men all the time, just insanity, just pure insanity, and they go, I've done everything to save my marriage. What an insane statement. You how arrogant do you have to be to assume that you know what everything is. I've done everything, Cody. Really? Really. You've done actually you've done two things. You've done everything you know to do, not everything that there is, everything that you understand that there is to do, and secondly, you've done what's comfortable. You've simply done what's comfortable. When you when what it actually means when someone says I've done everything there is to do, what you actually mean is I've done everything that I I understand at this point in my very limited experience of this topic, based on my comfort zone. Do you want your wife back or do you want to be comfortable? It's a choice, it's a serious question. So the bottom line is if you could fix your marriage by yourself, why haven't you by now? Why haven't you? If you knew how to fix your marriage, why haven't you? If you understand why it's broken down, why haven't you fixed it? So if you want to take this to the next level, you want to dramatically increase the chances that you have of saving your marriage by uncovering some of the blind spots that are there right now, and do this by 90% or better. I've got another video, I'm gonna put that here to where you can get some actual solid strategy. And for everyone else, we're gonna jump over to the QA. So that's it for me. Let's jump over to the QA.