Episode 2 Season 6

This isn't a goodbye but a see you later. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:18

Hey there, and welcome to episode two, uh season six of Rainbow Bitch Connection. And I have forg forgotten how to do this, I think. Um I am your host, Kayla, and if you are starting the podcast on this episode, I think you should go back to season one, episode one. Um I think you guys, I hate to say this, but I think everybody's gonna be kind of disappointed or maybe disappointed in me. Um, depending on how you all feel about this, but I um I'm doing this episode as a goodbye. Or maybe see you later is better. Not a goodbye, see you later. Um I well, you guys know if you listen to the podcast and you're a regular, um, you know, the last episode I did was in January. And in January I talked about how I had all of these hopes and dreams and that I was gonna still do the podcast and I still, you know, wanted to be involved and all that stuff, but there has been some like life events and things that have made me rethink um like my intentions with the podcast and how I felt about it, and if I was really putting out the content that you guys deserve, um I would say within the last year I've really dropped off. Like I I think last season I only did like 10 episodes, and normally our our seasons are like 21, 22, 23 episodes. I know those are still uh, you know, a drop in the bucket compared to other podcasts where they do uh bi-weekly or weekly episodes. Um, and so I totally, you know, I know you guys could see that I wasn't um, you know, putting out the content that I had put out for the previous four seasons. And um a lot of it is because I started this podcast with the full intention of, you know, there was nothing out there that was that was nobody else was discussing the same things I was feeling. Um, and you know, I would talk to Nikki about it and she would make me feel better because for once I found somebody that kind of understood uh what I was going through and how upset I was and the entire situation and she never judged me, you know. Nikki never was like, girl, get over it, or you know, uh the typical it was just a dog or what's wrong with you or anything like that. I mean, she was my safe space in terms of talking about it um whenever I wanted to. Uh, you know, other people I've talked to my family members about it, but I wouldn't do it on a regular basis because I know they got tired of hearing like the same things over and over and over again. And it's hard because, you know, when you're grieving, people can give you advice and people can tell you how they got through something or, you know, that it'll be okay. But the reality of it is if you've got something stuck in your brain and you just play it over and over and over and over in your head, you know, no matter what anybody says, it's not gonna change necessarily how your brain reacts to it and how and and to be completely honest with you, I wasn't ready for that. I felt like me grieving her and beating myself up about the situation and all the what-ifs and all the things I didn't do and how I felt like I fucked up was like my penance for her not being here anymore and doing those things and fucking up. And I wasn't ready to to, I don't want to say move on, but to reframe it or to think of it another way. I didn't care what anybody else said. Um, but Nikki was always there for me to like, you know, express my thoughts and my feelings and go over it and over and over and over and over and over it because she understood where I was coming from, and you know, COVID hits and we're all like super lonely because we're all stuck in our houses, and you know, it it's it's kind of like one of those things that gave me the push to be like, okay, here, listen, I'm super depressed. COVID, COVID did not do my depression any favors, and then you know, I you I mean, when you have nothing else to do, you just sit there and think about the same things like over and over and over again, and it got really bad. And I remember talking to Nikki at one point and being like, you know, I wish there was really a resource for people that could talk about these kinds of things and not feel judged and not feel like people, you know, the quote unquote regular population felt like we were being dramatic or stupid about how we were feeling. And that's why I started this podcast because I really, you know, I needed you guys as much as I as you guys needed the podcast. And so, you know, the podcast started out as very much like I was setting out to help other people to understand what their grief felt, you know, what it that it was normal and that it wasn't out of the blue or weird, or that you were allowed to be upset, that you were allowed to grieve them as long as you need and all that stuff. But what I noticed is at I would say probably season three, I was no longer in that same space anymore. I had actually grown with you guys and through the podcast, and talking about it really helped me. And meeting other people that felt the same way I did, you know, the podcast, it was awesome to be able to have all like my thoughts out there and um to tell you guys how I was feeling and for you guys to kind of resonate with that. But also it was like meeting all these amazing people, you know, like we met, I would say season one and season two, we met like the coolest people. All the seasons we met cool people. I'm not I'm not saying anything bad about sorry, I'm getting over sickness. I'm not saying anything bad about all the the awesome people that we met every season, every single guest we had, every single one of them was phenomenal. But season one and season two was like, whoa, there's these people that are movers and shakers and they're doing something with their lives and they're really working on all of this. Um, and it wasn't like we didn't have those people in all the the other seasons, it's just those were the two seasons that I realized, like, whoa, there is people out there that are really doing this and they're they're taking their grief and they're making something big out of it, and they're really making um a change. And the thing is, is I've noticed following through all of these people throughout the years, right, their goals and their um the things that they had set out to do have changed and they've evolved. And you know, I'll give a perfect example. Um one of our one of the people that we had on the podcast, she was a photographer. She had a border colleague that passed away, and she had written two books. And I'll tell you, so I still followed her page on social media when I had it. She um by accident started fostering kittens, and now she is training kittens and cats that are rescue kittens and cats, and she's taking like these were these like the worst cases you can see, and she's getting them healthy, and she's training them, like she trained her burder colleagues, to, you know, to keep themselves safe. You know, she's she's giving them pivotal training tools um for the these cats and these kittens that are being adopted out, like skills that'll keep them safe, right? Um, so that if they they run outside, they're not gonna run away, or you know, other things. And it's been phenomenal to watch her like do that to when I had social media to see her kind of pivot and change and and move, you know, and and really um adopt, you know, maybe like a new mission, right? Um and I've realized like watching other people thrive and change their focus and maybe change, you know, maybe maybe it's okay for change, right? Like I never like change, I never have, I never I'm trying to embrace it a lot more now. Um, but I really don't like change. I really don't like changing things up. I really don't like um having things outside of my schedule, having the same, you know, I like being predictable. And mental health, I feel like with with the things that I I go through, um predictability kind of keeps me in check, right? Like if there's no if I don't if I'm not changing, if I'm not, you know, making big life changes, then things are predictable and I can handle them. But then there's times where I feel like I'm stifled and I feel like I'm not making the growth that I really, really want and I need. And you know, the podcast, um I started out with these great intentions and I feel like I fulfilled them. And I feel like I have um, you know, brought a space, maybe a tiny, a little space to the internet, um, that people can listen to. And so I think I have outgrown it. Um, I I started realizing that like last season, recording was no longer exciting anymore. I I used to, uh, I would plan, well, and you guys know I've had like a full-time job the whole time I've been doing this, and I would literally plan my life around recording the podcast, and I would really go and plan things out of what the topics would be, and I would get, you know, guests on the show and all this stuff, and it made me realize like my excitement was no longer there last like starting last season. Like I didn't really want to plan and I didn't really want to record. I mean, I had people lined up for guests, some of them I recorded with, and I chose not to um do their episode because I felt like I don't know, like it didn't align with what the message was that I was trying to give you guys. I have always been very cautious on who I allow on the podcast, and there has been, to be completely frank and honest with you, even vetting majority of the people that I've had on the podcast and the guests that I have had, and trying my very, very hardest to make sure that I am only allowing good, wholesome um people that aren't here to, you know, live by different morals than than we have. A couple of them have sneak, you know, sneaked through, and I regret a couple of episodes that I have recorded with people. Um I am not a total piece of shit. So I have decided to leave those episodes up because I feel like a lot of people have the opportunity to vet people themselves. And um if I think majority of you can feel out vibes and feel out my vibes, and if I'm like kind of not vibing, there's a reason. And so um I'll give you guys like the T that, yeah, there's been there's been a couple people I've had on here that I don't necessarily wish to ever contain a space with again, even if it is online, um, and so you know, at the end of the day, um I just want to make sure that I'm living up to what my morals and my values are, and I think that I don't want to be creating space in something that I am not feeling is positive anymore for myself, and I've tried to push along because I feel very much that I owe you guys content. Um because at the end of the day, you guys have been there for me just as much as I've been there for you. And my whole goal was so that people I wanted to start this so that people had a they could listen to something and go, okay, I'm not I'm not a freak. I'm I'm normal. You know, they feel this way. And I I hope that you guys got that out of it. I hope that everybody that has listened to this podcast has gotten a little piece of joy and normalcy, even if for the 45 minutes that you listen to the podcast, you kind of forget um how fucked things up. How fucked whoa, how fucked things are, right? Like when you're going through grief, right? Like everything seems so messed up, right? Like everything. I feel like the worst, like even waking up in the morning, right? So for me, the worst thing ever of grief that I just cannot stand is that like 30 seconds of peace that you get in the morning, and then your brain catches up with your what happened, and then you're like, oh, okay, great. Now I get to start my day like I did yesterday and the day before and the day before, like totally wrecked. And I hope that my podcast was kind of that 30 seconds, right? Even if it gave you like that 45 second 45 minutes of your day. Oh, damn, 45 seconds. I would be sad. 45 minutes of your day that you're like not thinking necessarily about your situation and maybe kind of like, okay, you know, this guest was on and we were very similar. And also like, there's a lot of educational stuff that I did with this podcast that I'm very proud of. Um, like the, you know, when we uh talked to or talked about, you know, the the chip bag suffocation and all of that. Like, I didn't know any of that. And so it's fantastic, you know. I I'm very proud of myself that I was able to like bring that kind of stuff forward. Um, and maybe, maybe somebody can listen to this podcast and maybe avoid their companion animal passing away from that or you know, something to that effect. Um, but I don't know, I just don't feel like my heart is in it as much anymore. And I think it's because I have grown a lot as a person in the last six seasons. Um, you know, it's it's it's quite a bit of time, and I have gone through a lot of personal changes, mental changes. Um, I have gone through a lot these last six years, and this I'm not the same Kayla that started this podcast in 2020. I am very different. And I am doing you guys a disservice by continuing a podcast that I am not mentally all in anymore. Um podcasting is like my shit. I love it. I love to podcast. I love learning different things and putting it out there. I love seeing you guys listen. Even in these last two months, last month we had 710 downloads. I haven't put out new content. Like, honestly, I haven't put out like new constant content in over a year, and you guys are still showing up. You guys are still listening, you guys are still, you know, interacting, and I am so appreciative of that. You guys will have no idea, like, for the rest of my life, even if I don't really do anything with it, like this will be my one thing that I can take with me that I know I made a difference slightly. It may not have been a huge impact, but at least those, you know, 50 50,000 plus downloads, I think we're at 60,000 now. Those 60,000 downloads that I did were worth something. Like somebody listened and somebody kept listening and kept coming back. And I just think that you guys are owed more. I think that I am not in the same place anymore to keep revisiting grief. It's always gonna be there. For me, it's it's always gonna be there. And it's like kind of like scratching a wound that's healing constantly. And I just I think mentally and I'm I'm in a different place. I have been able, because of this podcast and a lot of counseling, um, I've been able to work through a lot of the things that I was thinking about when it came to Athena, and I was able to work through them. And I'll and you know, I'm gonna be completely honest with you. I was able to finally like realize like there's nothing I can change. I can't change it. I can't change how it went down, I can't change how she left, I can't change how terrible it makes me feel that she was so young and tra and it was tragic and all that. I can't change any of that. But at the end of the day, what I can do is try my hardest to live for her, to live for what she didn't have. So I'm trying to adopt like better behaviors when it comes to my dogs. Like, I am a loud person, and I, you know, I mean, hello, this podcast. I've been loud as hell on this podcast. I'm a loud person, and I'm trying to not be as loud, and I'm trying to be more um I'm trying to reframe a lot of things, the self-talk that I have. And I just basically I wanted to do this episode because I wanted to because Lord Because I wanted to show you guys like I appreciate you guys so much. You guys will never know the real impact in my life that you guys have made, and you guys are the best. And I know everybody says that right. Like I know every singer you go see, you know, every concert they say, you know, thank you so much, you're the best, and they say it every place, or sports, they say, oh, the blah blah blah fans are the best, or you know, every podcast, like, oh, I have the best listeners, or YouTuber, you know. But I really truly do mean it. You guys are the freaking best. You guys have stuck with me through thick and thin, through awesome interviews, shitty interviews, awkward interviews, um, weird episodes, my spooky season obsession. Like you guys have been there. Through a lot of it. You've been there through my personal life, my personal struggles, um, through me moving how many times? I mean, you guys have been there for me, and I appreciate you guys so so much, and I owe it to you to um to give you an explanation and to tell you guys what's been going on and to not just like leave you hanging. And um, I did make a decision 100%. I'm leaving the podcast up. So the way it works for podcasters, and I know I've like kind of explained this to you a couple of times when it comes to like the way things work, because like I didn't know how any of this worked when I started the podcast, I kind of just won it. You have to have like a hosting site, kind of like a website, right? Like, you have to have a hosting site to host the podcast, and so you pay money for them to host it and to send it out to whatever podcasting sites you want them to send it out to. And I'm I will pay the money as long as this podcast is needed. And if it's like the rest of my life, if I have to put in my will, that like the money has to come, like I like have to put in certain amount of money or something like that for for it to go on and on and on, even past when I die, I will do it. Um, because I think that it is an important tool. Even if people listen to one episode, if they can get something from that one episode, like I did my job. I did what I was supposed to, I did what I set out to do. And um I know it sucks not to get new content. I girl, I've been l I've been watching YouTube like a crazy person because I haven't been, I have deleted, officially deleted all my social medias except for YouTube. Because I feel like YouTube's easier to control like what you're watching and like what you're told to um watch. And so um, yeah. So I've been watching YouTube like crazy and a lot of it is ASMR because I still have anxiety and I still get stressed out. And I'll get I'll have I'm gonna tell you guys about like what I've been up to the last couple months so you guys can have like a little insight to why it's taken me this long to record this episode. But um I've been doing a lot of ASMR and when my favorite ASMR person like does an episode or like a new, I should see this when I'm like a podcaster, does a new um video. Oh my god, it's like Christmas. And so I totally understand like it's shitty that I'm not gonna have any more new content for this podcast. Um I do have a couple things on the horizon um that are not gonna be grief-centric. So I I apologize. I know a lot of you, this is the kind of content that you want to listen to, you seek out. And so if you're not interested in any of like if you're in it for the content and not for the obnoxious voice that I have, then I totally, totally get it. But if you like my obnoxious voice and you're in it for maybe what I used to be like, um, I am gonna continue with the Always Bothered podcast. Um, I started it and then I didn't see it through because I was trying to figure out this podcast. This was my baby, and I didn't want my baby to um turn into a toddler and then have another baby, and then the toddler get jealous, and then I'm not like paying attention to toddler, right? So I've been trying to, I was trying to work out how I could, you know, keep doing this podcast and do another podcast, and I thought maybe if I did another podcast, it would help with my uh desire to do this one. And what I found out was it made it the opposite, where I wanted to do the other podcast and I didn't want to do necessarily this one, and that's not something that I how I wanted to end the podcast, and that's not something that I think that you guys deserved, so that is why I stopped that one completely and try to focus specifically on this one. Um, but now that I'm letting the cat out of the bag that we are going to end this podcast with this episode, I am gonna continue with the Always Bothered podcast. Um it's gonna be funny and it's gonna be great, and basically it's gonna be the same premise where we're gonna have, you know, I'm gonna talk, I'm gonna some episodes are kind of gonna be like here where it's just me talking about things that get my goat, and then I might have people on that talk about things that get their goat, but then I also I want to do like a positive spin, so maybe have people on that do things for the community or like woman-centric things, um like women-run businesses or maybe nonprofits, or you know, just nonprofits in general, because men are awesome too. So I don't know. I haven't really pinned down that. I um have been very nervous to r do this episode, and I've been putting it off. I've been really um going back and forth with it, and then I realized within the last like two months when I decided I was gonna do a total life shift um that I owed it to you guys that I needed to do this episode, and then I needed to actually just be done with Rainbow Bridge Connection podcast for now. Um, like I said, maybe it's not goodbye, and then it's just more see you later. Um, because I still love Rainbow Bridge Connection and I have a lot of swag that I really like love and my whole office is Rainbow Bridge Connection podcast centric. And I just love you guys, and I don't want to say goodbye. Um so about my life the last couple months. Um, I think in the last episode I let you guys know that my son had joined the military and was um in training, and that was um four months that I couldn't really talk to him or see him, which drove me absolutely fucking insane. And um in March we were fortunate enough to go see him graduate boot camp. I'm not gonna give any locations or anything out because I know better. Um, and it was phenomenal, but it also made me realize like my relationship as his mom is significantly changing. Um, not a lot of people talk about this when you have any children, human, furry, it doesn't matter. When that relationship isn't the same anymore, you grief that grieve that too, right? Like I was not ready to be different. Like I didn't want our relationship to be different. And when we saw him after boot camp, he was different and distant, and it freaked me the fuck out. And you know me, I feel people's feelings, I feel feel you know, empath, blah blah blah. Um it scared me because I was like, what's going on? I I don't want this to change. Why are you different? And rightfully so, right? Like this happens, but it was a lot, it was a lot for me to take in, and I grieved the situation for all of April. Also, where we went, see, I don't travel. See, like that's not something that Kayla does. Kayla does not travel because of her anxiety, so she never could. But because of it was my kid, I didn't have, you know, I didn't have a choice and I had to sec it up and I had to do it. And it ended up being phenomenal, and it gave me the travel bug a little bit where I was like, oh, I could do this, I should do this more. And um, I ended up getting because I don't travel, I ended up getting hella sick. Like the sickest I've ever been in my life. Sorry about that, that's awkward. That was an awkward trans transition. But also, this is a raw episode, so guess what? You're gonna get witchcraft. Um, so anyway, I was the sickest I've ever been in my life for a month. I just started getting a little bit better um in terms of like the sickness I had. So I had tonsillitis at first, then it turned into an ear infection that broke burst my eardrum, and then I got double pink eye. And apparently you can get viral pink eye, and I had never gotten pink eye in my life, and I was so confused because I don't touch my eyes because of my OCD and my anxiety. So I was like, how the hell did that even happen? But I guess it can be a viral pink eye. So, yep, double pink eye, and then I was sick for like three, four weeks after that, with just being extremely flimmy and the cough and all that jazz. So I'm just now feeling better. Um, and so that is why it's taken me this long to be like, hey guys, sorry I'm a piece of shit and not recording and leaving you guys hanging, even though the last episode I told you I was gonna record a lot more. Um I just wanted to let you guys know that that's what was going on. And so I have been doing some I don't want to say soul searching because that's not like the right verbiage for it. But I, you know, this last month have been really trying to like think about how like what does it look like for me, right? Like what does my life look like in the future? Um, I am still my son's mom, but I'm in a I'm in a different it's different. Like, he doesn't need me the way he needed me before, right? So I have to like figure that whole thing out. And then I realize like, well, what do I want? And what are the things that I enjoy? And I think um I think the mental health part of it, I don't know if I I think for me, um, going and getting a psychology degree and then trying to be a counselor, I'm not sure my mental health could handle it, to be honest with you. I think that I had very good intentions. I think that I could have done it, I could have pushed myself, but the longevity of it, I'm not sure would have been good for me. Because if I'm burning out over, if I'm being frank, if I'm burning out over a podcast that I do twice a month, listening to stuff every single day, I think would wear on me, and it would have been, I would have burnt out. Um, so I've been trying to think of, you know, like I have that old thing in my head of like, oh, you went and got a degree and now you're an idiot because you have a degree that you don't use, like, aren't you stupid? Um, but I realized that like, okay, well, yeah, that's not great that I have a degree, but maybe I can use it in the future. You know, things look different every like day to day, right? I have to remind myself this. Things look different like day to day. What today looks like did not look the same six months ago, a year ago, ten years ago. Things that I'm doing now, I would have never imagined that I would have done 10, you know, 10 years ago, I would have never even imagined that my life would be the way it is now. Where I'm living, how much money I'm making, my job, my car, the podcast, my friendships, what I'm into, my hobbies, all of that. I would have never thought 10 years ago, let alone like as a child, that I would be where I am. Do I feel like I'm not where I wanna be? Absolutely. Absolutely. But I can make the choice to get there and all Okay, spooky, spooky, spooky. I'm gonna have to record the rest of this on my Mac speakers. So sorry if the audio is a little shitty, but my microphone just literally like kaput just now. So I'm not quite sure what's going on with that. And instead of me like messing with it like I want to for the next five hours, I'm not gonna do that. So I think what are the best bet is to maybe maybe that's like the universe telling me like you're literally just rambling, so you need to be done. Um, but anyway, I have thoroughly enjoyed the last six years, and I really appreciate all your guys' support. Um, please look out for uh the new podcast, Always Bothered, as well as um a possible YouTube channel. Um I told you guys that I kind of got the bug to vacation or go on vacations. And with my kid in, I'm sure he's gonna be stationed in many, many different places. And so um as someone who tends to disassociate slash have issues with anxiety when they're not in the five-mile radius of their own home, um, I think I might start a YouTube channel based off of people uh seeing like how to vacation when you're like me, I guess. I don't know. Um, but I will, you know, pop in maybe and do a quick little episode on if that comes to fruition. And of course, I'm gonna keep this podcast up, like I said, and I will for sure um keep the email going. So if you guys ever want to reach out, Rainbow Bridge Connection Podcast at gmail.com. I'm here and I appreciate you guys, and I thank you for the last six years and all of your support, and I love you guys, and we'll see you later.