Today we're talking about what to do when someone says we need to talk. What do you think or feel when someone says we need to talk? I used to shudder and feel an ever expanding pit in my stomach. I wouldn't question the person. instead, I would question myself. And I would just suffer in silence for days or hours or minutes leading up to the time we had scheduled for this talk. Oh, and if the talk got rescheduled, oh my gosh, that just extended my anguish for even longer. I would wonder, what if this and what if that? Coming up with a ludicrous number of possibilities, none of which turned out well for me in my analytical, critical comparing and judging head, my mind would toss up different possibilities ad nauseam. And then slowly, anxiety would creep into my being, followed by tossing and turning. At night, when rest and sleep was my usual thing and much needed thing, my complete focus would be on we need to talk. What could this person possibly have to talk about which was such intensity? What did I do? What happened this time? What am I in trouble for now? Why are they mad at me? What's wrong? Am I going to be berated, talked down to, or worse? Again? Are they going to say no to me? Or there would be some other flavor of self deprecating thought that would find its way into my head and then catapult into my body so that I could feel even worse than I already did about myself. We need to talk. It's not a feel good kind of thing to say to someone, is it? Not without stating what you want to talk about, what you are wanting to accomplish as a result of the conversation, and how you would like to feel during the conversation. Whenever we hear we need to talk, we shudder, get fearful, or become anxious. We lose sleep wondering what in the heck it's about. The one thing we don't think in the moment is to say, sure, what would you like to talk about and when so I can clear my schedule for you. We don't think about asking kind questions to learn more so that we can shift from not knowing to knowing so that we can be prepared, so that we can just remain calm and relaxed. This not knowing is just crazy. Making the unknown wrecks havoc on our left brains and creates this intense, starving hunger for knowing. Because that's the left brain, yet there's nothing to feed it, so it feeds on itself. With our permission we get ourselves all worked up and then show up to have talk, to have that talk with that energy present. And the times I've gone into conversations with that mood mode and energy, I can tell you they really didn't turn out great or well. I get upset, they get upset. We miscommunicate, we misinterpret, we assume, and perhaps even argue or fight. It's a no win situation for either of us. Oftentimes there's also something that I want to ask that person. But once I hear we need to talk, I would automatically shut down, or it would put me in another downward mental spiral. The thought of asking for something we want from that person with the already determined mindset that it's just going to result in a negative reaction or being told no can be downright debilitating. The fear of being rejected for what we need or ask for is traumatic to those of us who have been told no in the past. So we just suck it up and just move forward. Our needs don't get met. We don't ask. Our needs don't get met. Again. We don't ask. And the cycle continues until our bodies and minds cannot take anymore. And then we naturally and automatically create a self sabotaging experience. Maybe we blow up in a meeting over something trivial, or we start looking for another job, or we yell at our loved one about the unfilled glass of water. That emotional energy has to go somewhere. The disappointment energy has to get released and expressed. Here's my invitation to you instead. Here's what to do when someone says, we need to talk. Say, sure, what would you like to talk about and when so I can clear my schedule for you, let them respond and remain calm and neutral. And if you need to ask just one or two more questions to clarify if needed, so that your left brain gets that need to know met and then say, I look forward to talking with you about that on x date, and repeat the time. Repeat the date and the time. Now, most importantly, remember, the conversation is not about you, it's about them making it about you. There's a big distinction here. Let me say that again. The conversation they want to, have with you is not about you. It's about them making it about you. So you can just go into neutral and recognize they're just going to have a conversation with you. And you get to show up, be kind, and respond in a kind, compassionate way as you continue with this dialogue and give them the gift of listening. This conversation is about their perspective, their filters, their bias, their opinions, their desires, their requests, their needs. And please, if you need to talk to someone, please simply just ask for a few minutes of their time and let them know you'd like to walk through something that's bothering you and you know they can help you resolve it. Say something like that. Also, if there's something that you want to ask for but you've been delaying it, avoiding it, or just sucking it up and moving forward, here's a simple way to do it. Say, I want to ask you something. Bear with me as I've been thinking about this for a long time, and it's a hard conversation for me to have in general because I'm asking for something for me that ultimately benefits us, the company, our family. You can add in whatever word that it benefits more globally. Please take some time to think about it and I'll come back in one or two days to see what your response is and we can dialogue some more about it. Maybe we can negotiate, other win win options. I'm going to start with making my request. Then I'm going to share three reasons why it's important to me. Then I'm going to share three reasons it can make a difference for us, the company, the family, whatever word you want to insert there. Then share your ask, share your request. Then be silent for about three breaths. Then say, thank you so much for listening and your consideration. Can we talk again? On and repeat the day and time? That's it. Then leave and patiently wait. Firstly, you got it off your chest. You made your ask. Now you're giving each other time to process. And being respectful, kind, and clear will result in the person having a really positive experience, regardless of what their response ends up being, and feel good that you actually made the ask. The energy of waiting and silence is powerful. I hope this was of value and benefit to you. If so, and any of this resonates for you, I invite you to take this step in your life and in honor of your fears, take the relationship superpower quiz@relationshipsuperpower.com. You're going to find out what your superpower is and what your kryptonite is. You're going to know when your kryptonite is active that that's the time to wait and be patient. Get clear about the conversation to have. And once your kryptonite passes and you're back in your centered ground but grounded, joyful place in alignment with your relationship superpower, then you can check in again to see if it's a good time to have the conversation by all means. When someone says we need to talk and you're not in a good place, it's okay to share that I'm not in a good place right now. Can we do it on x time and x day? If they're saying they want to do it right then and there, that is absolutely acceptable. And believe me, when you share that with people, they are going to give you the time and space you need because they want you to be in a good space to have the conversation. Remember, it's just a conversation and it's not about you. When someone says we need to talk.