S6 EP21: Zoe's Story - Bullied and Scared To Be Alive!

This week we are lucky to have Zoe Rose on the show, who talks openly about her early life, when she was constantly bullied at school for her weight. To make matters worse, her home was not a safe space, with her parents unhappy and rowing, even throwing things, Zoe was unable to find safety in any situation. This of course, all feeds in to later life, where she picked a man who was not good to her, and even hid their pregnancy from his family, for the first 8 months! Zoe has taken her life back, she is changing the way she feels about herself, and shifting her perspective, to live life for herself and not for others. Its a come back story that should be heard. Thanks Zoe!

Site: https://www.iamzoerose.com/

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to another episode of Well That Fucked Me Up. I am your host, Luke Colson. Today I'm joined by Zoe Rose. Hi, Zoe.

SPEAKER_01 0:09

Hi, how are you?

SPEAKER_00 0:10

Good. I'm very good. How do we know each other?

SPEAKER_01 0:13

Through TikTok, actually. I am one of your followers and I absolutely love your content on there.

SPEAKER_00 0:20

Fun. This is like I I I rarely mention my podcast on TikTok, and I'm rarely mentioned my TikTok on my podcast. But the other day I did a video about my podcast, and now lots of people that follow me on TikTok want to come on the show, but it's very different, obviously, right? Because my TikTok is very silly and um telling funny stories. And my podcast is a very serious um content topic, but done with an element of like it's all gonna be okay, you know? So yeah. So honestly, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:55

You know, honestly, I think that they're actually very paralleled in a way because I feel like your funny videos are very like healing for people that have gone through trauma. So it's like both ends of it. It's like you have the various part, but then you have the the it's kind of therapeutic. Yeah, the laughter and the funny.

SPEAKER_00 1:13

I agree. I think laughter is therapy, and also when I was going through my trauma and my addiction and my alcoholism, I lost that sense of myself. So to be free of the burden of uh of addiction and to finally have Luke be able to be Luke again is a wonderful thing. So, okay, so uh every week we have a guest who comes on and we talk about surviving life-changing events and experiences, and that can be anything because I think we've all been through life-changing experiences, some huge, some small, and and often causing kind of trauma along the way, can be physical, can be emotional, mental. We've had people who have had diagnoses, who've lost a leg, we've had people that have fallen off a bicycle, we've also had people who uh were in a toxic relationship or had an awful upbringing from their parents or were born into poverty. Like our lives are our lives, and we have one shot, right? And we're all on this trajectory, and sometimes we get bumped to the left or bumped to the right, and we find our way back on, and that's what we're here to talk about. So, Zoe, with that, where would you like to begin?

SPEAKER_01 2:24

I mean, just going back throughout just throughout my life, I've always kind of been like a black sheep in my family, um, never really fit in. And I honestly, ever since I was very, very young, I was bullied every day in school because um the school I went to was a private school, and there was only 20 kids total in the whole grade, so in all of kindergarten or all of maybe 40 maximum, but it's a very small, you know, school. And literally everybody would make fun of me and my best friend every single day from kind or like first grade to fifth grade. So it was really hard, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:04

Where was that?

SPEAKER_01 3:05

Uh it's an Armenian middle uh school called Mardinon, private school. It's actually on Riverside across and you're where in the world?

SPEAKER_00 3:13

I was I forgot to ask that bit at the beginning.

SPEAKER_01 3:16

I'm in Tarzana, California.

SPEAKER_00 3:18

Okay, good. Yeah, we're both in Cali. That's fun. So you were bullied for your weight.

SPEAKER_01 3:24

For my weight, and then they would just bully me for my name. They would literally just bully me for everything. Like, I remember even in first grade, I was the only one not invited to a birthday party, and I like sat under my teacher's desk and like cry.

SPEAKER_00 3:37

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

Because it just was like um, yeah, it was just hard with everybody.

SPEAKER_00 3:43

Like bullying is bullying is horrific. At the time, how did you deal with it? And did you know the the trauma it was causing you at the time?

SPEAKER_01 3:57

Yeah, it felt very um unwanted or unchosen. Or I had one best friend, but they would make fun of both of us, right? So we were like the two, and we were both kind of overweight, so we were it's kind of funny, but it's like yeah, funny now. It is funny, like if you see it as like a movie or something, but yeah, it's like the two of us were like a little overweight, and but we were best friends, and she's still my friend to this day, which is crazy. My first friend ever, and my still my best friend, but um, yeah, we were made fun of all the time. But I did have moments where I did stand up for myself, like I don't know. One time me and this girl kind of got in a little fist fight, even though I was like in second or third grade, I don't remember. And one time someone made fun of my best friend, and she I don't I don't remember this story, but her dad remembers it, and he said that I hit the girl because I was like, nobody makes fun of my so it did have some moments of bravery, but it did really hurt. Um, and it affected me a lot because I just felt not good enough, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 4:58

Yeah, it's really tough. I it's interesting you had a friend that was being bullied with you. I I wonder if that in some way helps because at least there's two of you together going through the she must have felt the same way that you felt. And did it get to a point where you just didn't want to go into school each day? You must have been worried about what each day looked like.

SPEAKER_01 5:21

Yeah, I didn't like going to school. The worst time was when my friend left. So there was one year where she completely left, and I was like her whole family, um, because she's one of four kids, like everybody left the school. I don't remember why, but they just changed to a completely different school, and then I ended up making friends with like some other kids that I guess you would call us like rejects or whatever you would call it, but like the unpopular kids. But I didn't rejects, yeah. That's you know, if you're just seeing it as a movie, like that's how I would say it. And um, you know, I did make friends with them, but I told my mom I was like, I want to get out of here. I don't want to, I was always unhappy, but I really wanted to leave. Um, and then they took me into public school, which actually was great. I made friends, people didn't judge me, nobody made fun of me. I started to lose weight because I was playing with the people and like I my whole life kind of changed. But also when I was in middle school, I mean, in that other school, I was also one of the only kids that was seeing the counselor there, like a school uh therapist, because my parents were also fighting, like my dad would throw things and like it would get like so it was like my whole it just felt like as a child, it was just no escape from anything.

SPEAKER_00 6:31

That's really, really I mean, the the parents arguing is that hits home for me. My parents argue a lot, and yeah, you know, when you're in a volatile surrounding at home, your home is meant to be your safe space. So you're in a volatile surrounding at home, and then you're going to school and you're in a volatile surrounding. So your life was that doesn't sound at all nice. Like as a father of two boys, my goal is to make sure they feel safe, right? That they feel safe and supported, and if they don't, we do something about it. Yeah, so my eldest was at a small private school in California in West LA. Uh same thirty thirty kids in the in a year. And he went there for middle school. And the bullying was off the charts. He'd only been there for three months, and there was a whole cyber bullying situation, then there was like group bullying over text, then like someone that he thought was his friend smashed his tray out of his hand in the canteen, and then he was and then he was exiled from the and you're there's nowhere else to turn because you can't blend in anywhere else because there's so many, so few people in the school. And we got to the end of middle school, and he was like, Get get me out of here. Like we should have done it sooner. And he went to a public school, a huge one, huge classic US high school, right? Like you see in the movies with with miles of corridors, with hallways, with lockers. Yeah, and he's thriving, right? Because he's found his people. Um they all look the same, his friends. They're all they've all got the style and the look and the thing, and that's that he went through the same thing and it and it traumatized him. He had major, major social anxiety as a result of that. And we don't we have at least we're aware now growing like in the society we live in, we're a little bit more aware of these things. So, how did you what happened for you when you got out of that school, but then you still had the issue of your parents, you know, to deal with at home?

SPEAKER_01 8:43

Yeah, the parents was that was like a really big issue because um my dad tried to have a business, but he was never successful. My mom was the main breadwinner, and she would use me as a therapist and talk to me every day about how she's unhappy with my dad, how he's not doing good enough, and whatever. Like, so she would just dump everything on me, and that they would fight, and then their reasoning was like, Oh, we're staying together for the kids, but it was so toxic and it was just so bad, honestly. I wanted them to get a divorce when I was like because I was like, This is just insane, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:17

We were the same, and the thing is, is like, don't I'd say this to everyone now like, don't stay together for the kids, yeah, because again, it's that toxic environment. Like, if there's hostility in the air, your children feel it, your children absorb everything, right? So, you as a kid being in that environment, like when my parents announced to us that they were getting divorced, my brother and I were like, Thank god. Oh, thank god for that. Like, we don't want to be in the middle of this shit anymore. Do you know what I mean? And my mum was devastated because she loved my dad so much, you know. But he just he wanted to go off and do his thing, and whatever for whatever reason he was he was angry, he was always angry, my dad, always. And to the point where like I didn't want to go home after school. I didn't want to I don't want to go, I don't want to go home. And I come out. That's one thing I remember about my childhood that I only recently realized. I I remember there'd be times I'd be coming down my road and I'd see his car and I'd be like, oh dad, that like dad's home. Imagine thinking that about your own parent. And like I'm just gonna walk, I'm gonna go to the park and I'm gonna walk around rather than go home because I don't want to be like emotionally abused or shouted at by my father for no reason.

SPEAKER_01 10:33

Yeah. That's really hard. That's hard for a kid too to have to deal with that and prefer to go elsewhere and like yeah, prolong going home.

SPEAKER_00 10:44

Can you imagine? Do you have siblings?

SPEAKER_01 10:47

Yeah, I have one brother, younger brother.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

So he was in that mess as well.

SPEAKER_01 10:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:53

And how did that work out with your parents then? Like at what point did did they separate or did things get easier for you in the home? Now you're shaking your head. So sounds like they didn't get easier.

SPEAKER_01 11:06

I mean, they they never separated. I feel like over time, because like the physical fighting stopped, and some of the like I think over like over a long time, I don't know how many years, but maybe after high school, or maybe when I got older, like an adult, they kind of like maybe got used to each other, or just like you know what I mean? I don't know how to explain it, but they're still not happy and they're still not very compatible with each other, but they're just used to being with each other, so they just are like, oh, this is normal, like we just fight and we just whatever, but it's not like as bad as physical anymore, or yeah, you know, you know what's crazy is like people staying together, people settling, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:47

And you I I keep going to back to this whole thing about that you've got one life, but you've got one life, and if you're unhappy, you don't need to be. But a lot of people think that they do, or they don't deserve any better, or they're too scared, right? So I'm not like condoning separating or getting divorced, but like it can be liberating, you know what I mean? And if that's all you know is a toxic relationship for the 80 years that you're on the planet, my God, that's not cool.

SPEAKER_01 12:16

No, and honestly, that whole dynamic with my parents and living in that, obviously, as a kid, that's all you've experienced, and you kind of think that that's normal or acceptable. And I kind of unfortunately put myself in a dynamic like that where I just felt like whatever was going on in my childhood, I repeated it in my current marriage that I'm currently now getting a divorce because I'm not doing what my parents did, and I'm like recognizing the patterns. But the thing is, is that I thought that that was normal. And I thought, oh, you have to shrink, you have to lessen yourself to be accepted or loved, and you have to sacrifice in order to have a family or a marriage, and like this is normal, but it's like this is not normal, this is not loving, like this is just roommates trying to get on with life and and you know, do like that's really interesting, and that's not that's very common, right?

SPEAKER_00 13:10

So, like we we if we're from like an abusive upbringing or you're from a volatile or toxic surrounding, you you don't know any different, right? So you don't know that there's there's better than that. So often in the relationships we choose, I did that. I didn't think I was deserving, I didn't think I was able to be strong, right? So I settled and I had my heart broken, or I was I was actually very heavily emotionally abused by a girl for two years in a relationship. She manipulated me to the point where I wasn't allowed to see any of my friends or to speak to my parents. Yeah, I didn't know that was happening, but I was weak because I was scared, and I was scared because I didn't wasn't built up as a child to like have a voice and feel empowered, right?

SPEAKER_02 13:58

Right.

SPEAKER_00 13:58

So that's another thing that I did with my children. So for you to and and again on the podcast, we've had people that have come from abusive relationships, right? Where they've been abused as children, and they find partners that do the same to them because they attract the pattern, and that sounds like that's what happened to you. Yes. That you were like, well, hold on a second. Now I'm in a marriage that's reminding of my fucking parents, but it sounds like you've had the wherewithal to do something about it.

SPEAKER_01 14:26

Yeah, it's like I it's kind of weird, but I had like some kind of like relationship awakening. I don't know how to explain it, but it was as if like um at some point, like my whole relationship flashed before my eyes, and I woke up and I'm like, what the heck am I doing? What did I just do? What am I like what am I doing here? Like this is crazy. But I just felt like you know, and it was also kind of hard because um I also like I got pregnant, you know, before we were married. And I honestly think that if I didn't get pregnant and have kids, we wouldn't really be here today. And I was doing what I thought, you know, like you want to be like, okay, we're we're gonna have a kid, so like let's try to be a family, like let's try to do the best thing. And so in most of the relationship, I was always in the hoping phase, like, oh, I just hope things will get better, or like maybe the time, you know, like that kind of delusion. And because it's like, you know, you want to try, you don't want to just, you know, give up from the beginning, I guess. But it was just uh kind of like that. And and you don't even want to know the horror stories of like the whole pregnancy and how like you know what exactly happened. But basically, like the the short version of it was just all really bad um during the pregnancy, but he wouldn't even tell his family about me until I gave him an ultimatum at eight months pregnant when he told me that he wanted to tell his family about the child after the child was born. And I was like, Your family's gonna be really upset about and he was 40, he was 40 years old. Okay, so this is not like a teenager, this is not like a 20-year-old. Wow, and he'd already been married before. Um, but he was so scared of his family and his family's judgments or something that he didn't want that, like it was the the and he would like yell at me during my pregnancy, his child from his family, yeah. Like until because at eight months I packed myself, I said, I'm leaving, I can't do this. Either we do it the family way or like we'll just do it the single way. I was like, because I'm not doing this. Wow, and he finally and he's like so proud he told his family, but I was like, I gave you an ultimatum, like you. I literally asked you millions of times to tell them because that's the right thing to do.

SPEAKER_00 16:34

So you hadn't seen his family while you were pregnant, because otherwise they would have seen that you were pregnant.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

Yeah, the only family member I saw was his sister because she lived in the same condo complex that he did. So he lived in a condo in Century City, and there were two towers, yeah. So he lived in one tower and she lived in the other, and she's more like younger, like they're the closest of age. Um, so she knew about me, and then like this other person that was his niece's in-law, some guy, like the his niece's husband's brother, so basically, like somehow related. Yeah, he saw me, he would see me because he lived in that building too. I know it's a small, a small town, Century City, like you know, and he would start talking crap about me to the family, and like even though like nobody really knows me except the sister, and he even went to the lengths of letting me meet his brother, his older brother, because there's I think six of them. So he let me meet his older brother, who's a doctor, took me to his doctor's office so they can both talk to me about how horrible. Oh, sorry. Okay, sorry, it's my dog.

SPEAKER_00 17:38

We like barking dogs on the podcast, right?

SPEAKER_01 17:41

Sorry. Um, so he he went to his brother to so they can both tell me how terrible his family is and how they'll never accept me. He also made me like convert. Well, he didn't make me because I just decided, but he says if you don't become Jewish, then they're never gonna accept you. It's because he was like a Persian Jewish person, and apparently Persian Jewish, it's like like a kind of like a click or kind of like very and they only want you to marry within their people, and like so it's very and me not being a very religious person, I'm very spiritual person. Like I believe in God and the universe and in my own way, but I don't follow like a strict religion or anything. Yeah, so he put me through all of these things, like I was literally converting, and he still wouldn't tell his family about me. I was literally like doing everything I could to make this work, and the meantime, every time I mentioned the parents, he would yell at me and like oh my god, blame it on like his Adderall or blame it on like Yeah, it's like a documentary. It's crazy. My life could be crazy.

SPEAKER_00 18:42

So you but then you had the baby and you got married.

SPEAKER_01 18:45

Uh well, I had no. See, I had the baby and I wanted I really wanted to get engaged, at least engaged, because I was like, I want to at least like not just be like the baby mama, let's say, especially to your family. Like, I want it to people to know that we're serious or whatever. He didn't actually propose to me until I was eight months pregnant with the second one because I got pregnant four months postpartum. Oh and I feel like he did that on purpose because he had the sense that I wanted to leave because there was multiple times where I did want to leave.

SPEAKER_02 19:17

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 19:18

Um, even three months after the baby was born, because he would go out late with his friends till one in the morning. Then I found him like texting a girl at like two or three in the morning. And I like kicked him out. He's like, I'm drunk. I was like, I don't care, sleep in your car. I was like, get out. Like, you know, this this is a lot of drama.

SPEAKER_00 19:32

Sorry, but like that's what the whole point of the podcast is. The more drama, the better. Thanks. Keep it coming.

SPEAKER_01 19:37

So it was just um, and I feel like he did well, not like he did it on purpose. Obviously, this was like a mutual act, you know, creating a child, but like I I I wanted to like kind of I was already feeling like I wanted to get out, but then when you're pregnant again you have like a four-month-old and then you're pregnant again. Like, could you imagine the horror of that? Because you're still like your body still adjusting. I was dressed. You're like, here we go again. And I'm just like, I'm trapped. I'm like, I just felt stuck in my own body and stuck in the situation, and so whatever. And then eight months before the baby was the other baby was born, he did propose to me. Um, you know, and then like we ended up eloping, so we never actually had a wedding or a or a like you know, we just we did like a little chapel thing or like a little um because none of this was in my dreams because you didn't want to have a marriage for the two families because there was disagreements in your you not converting and him being this and you being this. No, I just think it was um I wasn't I didn't feel like I looked good because during the pregnancies I gained like 70 pounds, so I was like the most overweight I'd ever been in my life, yeah. And we didn't have the the means, I think, as well to like have a wedding because weddings are kind of pricey, and he already had a wedding before and did that whole thing. He told me like he never wanted to get married again, right? But I told him like I wanted some kind of a security because like I don't have a job, I'm not working, I got laid off during COVID. Um and the whole time I was like helping him at his business or was pregnant and you know was with a child like nonstop, basically. So like, yeah, I wanted some security.

SPEAKER_00 21:22

It sounds like you were in a I mean, after everything you went through as a kid, it sounds like you were in a pretty bad place, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:30

And I've always um throughout everything, no matter what all the things that have happened to me, which there's like so many more things, but I always was I never let life harden me or take my optimism away. Like I still was very like my friend calls me, like I don't know what she says, but she says you always have this like light and you always like see the best in people, like kind of like being naive in a sense, but like it's like I don't know how to explain it, but I never let life harden me.

SPEAKER_00 21:58

Yeah, so you'll kind of Like you're hopeful, do you know what I mean? You live in you live in eternal hope that it's it's life's okay's okay.

SPEAKER_01 22:06

Yeah, and I don't yeah, because I I do love and appreciate a lot of things about life, and I do see so many great things in people, even though if I personally haven't, you know, but it but those events do kind of make it hard for me to get super close to people because in my experience, super close people have hurt me the most than like yeah, you know, people that I connect with here and there or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 22:28

Of course, yeah. So how did the how old are your kids now?

SPEAKER_01 22:32

Oh, they're four and three, so they're 13 months apart and they're still like babies, kind of.

SPEAKER_00 22:38

And you guys are separating, you're going through a divorce now.

SPEAKER_01 22:41

Yes, I'm three months into the divorce process. I I like you know, because there was um a couple incidences that happened that like because I was waiting because I was like, Oh, I'm not financially dependent. Sorry.

SPEAKER_00 22:54

That's okay, don't mind the dog. So, yeah, so you want your what you waited to your you could financially support yourself.

SPEAKER_01 23:01

So that's what I was waiting for to try to figure that out, but then certain circumstances and fights that we were having like kept looping, like you know, when the same fights keep looping, even if it's a different subject, and I couldn't take it anymore, so I kicked him out of the house for like two weeks. And then he started doing like weird things, like saying, I'm gonna take the kids away from you and threatening me with stuff. And then he took out all the money out of our joint bank account that I was using to pay for the kids' daycare, but I like convinced him to give it back to me, and then I run ran. I ran to the lawyer's office. Oh wow, and I called him, I said, I'm ready, because I already I met with the lawyer before just to do that initial meeting to you know, that introductory meeting, whatever that's called, yeah. Um, but not put in a deposit yet or actually sign anything. Yeah, but a week later I called him, I was like, I'm coming over, I'm gonna bring my checkbook. Uh we need to ASAP this because I don't want to take a risk on him doing anything because he's very like narcissistic, yeah, and he has a lot of his own issues that he never wants to like ever deal with or like figure him himself out.

SPEAKER_00 24:07

But you'll and will he be in the kids' lives then?

SPEAKER_01 24:11

Yeah, like I'm totally fine. Like, he is a good dad and he loves his kids and he wants to be involved. And both of us luckily are from what's going on so far, being amicable, where we're both agreeing to 50-50 custody and all of that stuff.

SPEAKER_00 24:27

Very important that, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:28

Yeah, so I'm not like it's tough.

SPEAKER_00 24:31

Divorce is tough. I mean, when I went through divorce, I was like massively alcoholic, and that was kind of the sole reason. Well, one of the reasons, and you know, I just couldn't get my shit together, and and it was tough at the time because you know, you just it's tough, it's so hard, and the kids are young, and if everything feels terrifying, but you know, a few years, well, many years down the line now, it's the best thing we could have ever done because you again back to the thing, you got one life, right? You got one life, don't stay on a bumpy track if you can't deal with it, you don't want the bumps. You can go, you can go smooth, take a smooth path. And it's like it was really tough at the time. It was a few months, maybe a year, of like, ugh, like just I didn't have security, I didn't know where I was, I didn't know how life was going to end up. And I I was I was so scared, but that was just my inherent, like little Luke, who's always scared of everything, and then getting sober and then dealing with that divorce, and then realizing the path of my life isn't determined by my past, it just gave me strength, and every month and every year has been better and better, and just then my relationship with my ex-wife is fabulous, my kids are 50-50 in my life, yeah. And and I have confidence and strength in my ability to make decisions and make and and even take a few risks, whereas before I was like beholden to this like doubtful brain of like you you can't you can't do that, like success is for other people, happiness is for other people, you know? No, yeah, I don't feel that way.

SPEAKER_01 26:11

No, and you're not, you are very successful, and you seem very happy to and you're doing a great job being a father to your kids and and you know being very caring and thoughtful to them, and you know it's tough, it's tough being a parent, you know?

SPEAKER_00 26:26

Oh yeah. So okay, so keep us posted on that, and then let's just be conscious of the time. What are you what is that we're doing today? What are you how have you kind of continued to grow in your strength as a human and with the divorce that's going on, and and how are you finding your path?

SPEAKER_01 26:46

Um, I'm just so I made a decision a couple of years ago, also around the time when I kind of knew that I wanted to get a divorce of um, I'm no longer doing things out of fear or making decisions and choices out of fear, and everything I do, I wanted out of love and alignment. So whatever feels good is a yes, and whatever doesn't feel good, as scary as it is, it's gotta go. I love that. So I've been, and that has really like helped move me into the right path and direction because yeah, a lot of times you do things because you're scared, like you make decisions because oh, I'm too scared of this or too scared of that, and you'll choose something, but that's not what's the best for you. So I have been, you know, I've been putting myself out there, I've been doing things like I became a certified sound healer, I'm already a certified Reiki healer going into my spiritual gifts, and then I've been also posting on TikTok and um, you know, and having some success in that too. Like I just booked my first one-on-one call with somebody to like do like a consultation call. So like things are, I don't know, I feel like the universe is showing me like a path of like, don't worry, even if you don't have like a solid career right now, things are opening up and and working for you.

SPEAKER_00 27:56

Um, yeah, so it's it's taking it to leap.

SPEAKER_01 27:59

Yeah. Right.

SPEAKER_00 28:00

And also you said it really well, which is like not operating out of fear. Because for people like us, we have lived in fear, right? And so it's hard for us to understand that that's not normal. And most people don't live that way. And for me, the anxiety is was a big thing for me. I was just ta panicked, scared, and had anxiety every single day. I was like, I can't, I don't know how I'm supposed to live. I don't know how I'm supposed to get through life, and now I'm like, okay, it's it's easier than I thought it was, or it's easier than I had made it out to be in my mind.

SPEAKER_02 28:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:35

So gosh, it's it's nice to to come out the other side of something. So kind of traumatizing. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. So how how's how are you feeling today?

SPEAKER_01 28:50

I actually I feel really good and I'm kind of, you know, at times I'm really proud of myself for because my friends will look at me because a lot of times I felt kind of crazy because my friends would be like, Well, what's your plan A? What's your plan B? Like, how are you doing this? I could never do this because like you don't have you don't know what's gonna like I like I don't know, we're gonna have to leave this house. I don't know where I'm gonna live, my car lease is gonna come up, I don't have a income, like I don't know. I'm just following what I feel is right to do and just taking it one step at a time. So at those times I'm kind of like because the old me wouldn't do that, would stay somewhere stuck and scared. Yeah, yeah. Um but I've always been one to I don't know, kind of sometimes take risks or do things that are yeah, a bit out of the like norm for people.

SPEAKER_00 29:37

Yes, it's it's good, and also like just doing a day at a time. I mean, that comes with like my sobriety program, but like you can get caught up in like what the fuck is gonna happen next week or next month, or I couldn't have told you when I was going through my divorce that things would be okay, and now things are better than they've ever been because shit happens for a reason, you know. Yeah, um, where can we find you? Um, you're on TikTok and we are on anything else. You have a website, and we'll make sure that on the show notes we include any links. So if you're listening, you can find Zoe on the the clicks that we put on the show notes. But where's the best place to find you, Zoe?

SPEAKER_01 30:22

So everything like my TikTok is at Iam Zoe Rose, and my website is also Iam Zoe Rose.com. I also forgot that I also um I became also sub certified to do subliminal tracks. So I'm also have I'm a subliminal artist, I'm a Reiki healer and uh and a sound healer. I love sound and frequency and art. Yeah, I love them.

SPEAKER_00 30:42

So my my got long-term girlfriend is um a certified soundbath person, so she doesn't have yeah, why does she have a lot of things? She has the big seven balls and she takes people on journeys literally to space.

SPEAKER_01 31:00

I mean it's oh my god, I love that wild, and so honestly, that works for me.

SPEAKER_00 31:06

I feel like I feel the tone and the vibrations go through my like skeleton, and I when it's over, I normally just start crying. It's oh that's good, it's releasing. And what's it heals you on a cellular level? Yes, it it literally does. Highly recommended. And what's the what's the subliminal track? What does what does that mean?

SPEAKER_01 31:28

So I basically uh I make subliminal tracks, which is like you get like an audio sound, like I usually do ocean waves, but layered underneath to where like you can't hear it with your audible ear, but your subconscious can hear it. I will layer in different affirmations that I've like thought out carefully that are all positively worded that help you. And I have them on everything, like for motherhood, like you know, going through motherhood and postpartum. I have them for depression, anxiety, for even like glow up for health. Like I've made like over 20 or 30 subliminals. So basically, what you do is you listen to them at night when you're sleeping, because that's when your subconscious can activate it the most. And what happens is that 98 or 90 percent of your reality is all based on your subconscious. So everything you experience in the world, your energy, everything is through subconscious programming. So even if in your conscious world you're saying, I am rich or I am wealthy, but if your subconscious doesn't believe that, then you have resistance. Well, you want to do is program your subconscious to do whatever it is that you want it to achieve, and then it works more harmoniously.

SPEAKER_00 32:32

Do you have it on while you're sleeping or before you go to bed?

SPEAKER_01 32:36

You can listen to it all the time in the background, it's meant to be listened to like at a low volume, but I listen to it all night long. I need to uh upload because like right now my tracks are maybe like an hour long at the most, but I think I'm gonna have an option for an eight-hour long that you could just like listen to it all night. And I listen to it every night.

SPEAKER_00 32:53

Okay, I can say I have nightmares like really vivid at nightly nightmares that are obviously all invented in my subconscious that I didn't and they're always following a theme of like I'm drinking again, or I've lost my kids, or I've let someone down, or I've gone on holiday, but I don't know where I am and I can't get home. Like they're all the same theme of like loss, grief, anxiety, and and an addiction every every night. And so every morning I have to process the fact that this wasn't real.

unknown 33:26

Right.

SPEAKER_00 33:26

And it's it's exhausting. I've spoken to every single type of therapist, I've done every single type of meditation, but what you're saying about subliminal messaging in a track that I could have while I sleep feels like something I've never heard of before and something that I'd love to try.

SPEAKER_01 33:44

Yeah, I would love to send you some. I can send you some. Yes. That would be great.

SPEAKER_00 33:48

Okay, Zoe, thank you for the most amazing um episode. Thanks for coming on. Lovely to meet you in real life. And again, to our listeners, we can you can find Zoe on the show notes, and I'll see you on TikTok, Zoe.

SPEAKER_01 34:01

Yay! I'll see you there.